Disclaimer: Do not own-duh. I think you intelligent readers get the point by NOW!
Dedication: To Twilight-Cullen. Thanks. Oh, and missy mee who has stood by this story for so long. People, read her stories or may you be killed by a sofa falling on you off a very tall building…
Mort was worried. Ever since his psychiatrist had "somehow" (yes fan girls, I'm talking to YOU!) died in his garage the visitors hadn't come. Mort had in fact taken to talking to a little sock puppet called Ringo…
"Yes, my leeeeedle Ringo…what's that you say Ringo? You want to smoke some pot? Well, I can't see anything wrong with that! Do we Ringo?"
Audience: Right, WHAT THE HELL?
Narrator: Meh, we needed someone to take drugs…
Audience: Sure we do, because EVERY story needs a crazy junkie…
Narrator: Glad you see it my way. Now shut up…im bored and the plot needs to develop…
Audience: Because this is SUCH a SERIOUS work of great literature…
Narrator: Sarcastic comments hurt! May your televisions only get the weather channel!
Fan Girls: HELLO! WHERE IS OUR DARLING MORT?
Narrator: Oh yeah…
The telephone rings. Not very ominously, Mort changed the ring tone to play La Cucaracha. He had once looked up the words on the internet; it turned out to be about a cockroach that can't walk anymore.
"Oh Ringo. Remember the internet? In those good ol' days when I had electricity…when I actually paid my bills I mean. When I could sit at home and rub peanut butter on myself…."
Stunned silence from the audience. The fan girls have all fainted from that particular mental image…those dirty, dirty obsessive freaks
"Yes Ringo, that was the life. NO! Of course I love you more than Amy!"
Audience: He loves a damn SOCK PUPPET more than his wife!
Fan Girls: Huh, if he was married to US then he wouldn't have to look to a sock for comfort!
Random Fan Girl: Amy must have treated him reeeeal bad…LETS GET HER!
Cue film: The Fan Girls get down Psycho Style!
Narrator: Anyway…back to the story…
That phone was still ringing. Mort wondered why. People did not usually call Mort. Not after the unfortunate incidence when he "accidentally" danced around the neighbourhood naked….
"Hey! It was only the one time! And I was wearing SOMETHING! Okay, admittedly just a cowboy hat, yet STILL!"
Audience: SOMEBODY can't hold their drink…
The fan girls have once more fainted. No one really cares though
"Okay, okay I will answer the phone…"
And so he does….
Creepy Phone Dude: Mort, the time has come….
Mort: OH! Is it the end of the world ALREADY?"
Creepy Phone Dude: NO! What have you been smoking?
Mort: Meh, the usual…
Creepy Phone Dude: Um, that was a rhetorical question…
Mort: I know! wonders what the hell "rhetorical" means. Decide it must be something to do with the area of circles
Creepy Phone Dude: Anyway…it is time for you to join us…
Mort: Oh no, last time I joined a cult I got sent to a Russian prison for seven years!
Creepy Phone Dude: I MEANT to join us I celebrating world cookie day!
Mort: Riiiiiiight…I get you, you're the Mafia aren't you? I thought that horses head thing was suspicious…
Creepy Phone Dude: Okay, you got me. Now, just pay us the money and leave the town. For the love of God you are THICK! I'm you new psychiatrist! It's a standard procedure to see you just how mad…sorry, I mean "Unique and special" you are…
Mort: OOOH! OOOH! Am I unique and special? Please tell me yes!
Fan Girls: Look at those puppy dog/ Puss in Boots eyes!
Audience: Yeah, kind of makes you fan girls wish you hadn't have given up your incredibly successful careers in psychiatry up, doesn't it?
Fan Girls: Don't make fun of us! Just because we quit school to become models doesn't mean we're not PEOPLE!
Narrator: Actually, according to the New York Corn Treaty of 1922, you're not people if you do that. You're considered as mush…
Fan Girls: giggle well shut my mouth!
Audience: glares at author That was evil. Keep it up!
Creepy Phone Dude: well Mort, you are very special.
Mort: YAY! We like Mr nice psychiatrist don't we ringo?
Creepy Phone Dude: Um, my name is Matthew W. Wilkins…
Audience: OOH! His middle initial is cooler than ours!
Narrator: It actually stands for "whatever". I couldn't be bothered to think of anything….
Creepy Phone Dude/Matthew "Whatever" Wilkins: So Mort, I'll see you Tuesday, at around 2:30 okay?
Mort: I can't, I'm washing my hair…
C.P.D/M.W.W: Fine, how about first thing Thursday
Mort: You are such a charmer aren't you? Okay darling…
Audience & Fan Girls: EEEEW!
Narrator: See, we are all one when it comes to sick comments aren't we?