Disclaimer: DO not own. But take a while to consider mailing me the things you own, and the fact that I am on a writing ROLL baby! Sorry. I will spend the rest of this story in a dark hole…
Mort was looking forward to Thursday. He had discarded Ringo (he has gone on to bigger and better things. Namely, he is the new face of Levi jeans) and had gotten drunk for the first time in ages…
Audience: Oh, we wondered why he got "M.W.W Thinks I'm Special!" tattooed on his chest…
Narrator: Um, no. He wasn't drunk when he got that…
Audience: oh. OH!
Fan Girls: KILL M.M.W! KILL! KILL! Wait, who is he again? Never mind, lets go watch 21 Jump Street! We love you Morty!
"Mmmm…Matthew Whatever Wilkins my sweet psychiatrist of doom…I can't wait to give you some of my home grown corn…."
Thoughts along those lines kept Mort busy until Thursday.
"Mort and Matthew! Aren't we just made for each other!"
Narrator: Before the fan girls kill me…
Fan Girls: DAMN RIGHT!
Narrator: Then I would like to point out its probably just a side affect of smoking pot for three days in a row…
Fan Girls: Okay, that's good! Morty loves us still!
Audience: Look who else has had a go at the pot…
Fan Girls: "whistle innocently"
The time had come. Mort had washed his hair, put on his best suit, his most ridiculous beanie hat and driven to his appointment…
"So what I'm six hours early? It's GOOD to be early! In fact, maybe I should just go and sit outside his house, safe him the trouble of going into work…"
Narrator: Um, Mort? Some people call that stalking…
"Oh you can't talk!"
Narrator: Oh yeah…continue, continue…NO! Don't do it Mort! You will end up living a worse life!
"Worse than being a schizophrenic southern redneck who goes around killing people with shovels and making corn porno?"
"No…and what the HELL are you talking about? Corn porno?"
Fan Girl: Tralalala, again, not hearing a thing…
Audience: You have a sick, sick mind, you're worse than the fan girls!
Fan Girls: I wonder where we could find a bikini made of corn so Mort would come home with us…
Narrator: You were saying?
Audience: Comment withdrawn. Proceed…
"Okay, I shall just wait in my little car…"
After he had driven his old car over a cliff Mort had brought himself a golden pick up truck…
"Shows my southern roots AND is classy!"
Audience: yes Mort, classy…whatever you say…
By this time (A.K.A the time it takes for the author to run out of conversation ideas) it was time for Mort's appointment…
Matthew: So Mort, in Mrs Arnolds records…
"Yes Doctor?"
Matthew: Um, could you take your hand off my thigh? It's kind of distracting, and you can call me Matthew if you like…
Fan Girls: BURN MATTHEW! BURN HIM AT THE STAKE!
"Sorry…Matthew. So, tell me about yourself…"
Matthew: Um, back to your files…
"You read my files? See, I told you Shooter, Matthew likes me!"
Matthew: Yes, of course I like you Mort. Now, it says here…
"You know, I didn't imagine you as the type who would have a beard. I guess it makes you look all dark, broody and intelligent. It sends out a clear message. That message is: "Women, I am lonely. Please massage my back while we listen to Bob Marley"
Matthew: Great. I only have a beard because I am a psychiatrist. All male psychiatrists must have beards. It's like a law…now. Let us get on to your mid life crisis issues…
"So you admit, the beard is a mid life crisis thing? Well, I can help you there…"
NOTICE: Mort has been bound and gagged for the rest of the session. We have translated his muffled screams for your convenience…also, the audience comments and fan girls wild protests have been deleted due to the obscenity of said comments…
Matthew: Okay, Mort. Mr Rainey. Your case is very interesting. You are schizophrenic…
"Am not! I was just so lonely without Amy…"
Matthew: Tell me about Amy
"Well, being with her was like…like…you know that song? "I believe In Miracles"
by Hot Chocolate…
Narrator: God bless the radio and its good timing…
Matthew: Yes…do you feel like you did not deserve her? Or possibly that she did not deserve you?
"You're sleeping with her aren't you! OUT WITH IT! Good Lord, I thought you were different! No lies, but you slept with my ex wife…you're both dirty hos!"
Matthew: Ah, I think I see what the problem is…
"Well, I thought THAT problem had stopped ever since I burnt down all motels in existence!"
Matthew: You need a new girlfriend. May I recommend a fan girl?
Fan Girls: Our hero!
Audience: Hey! How come the fan girls can comment yet we can't?
Narrator: Shush my little ones…
"NO! All I want is more visitors…"
Fan Girls: Aaaaw...
Matthew: I don't have as many contacts as your previous psychiatrist, yet I'll see what I can do…
"Could you loosen these ropes? I want to get a little more comfortable Doctor…
Matthew: I'll let security drop you off home and I'll see you again next Monday…
And thus, mort was drugged and sent home.
Authors Note: missy mee/jess, please do not kill me. For it is only you who gets all these manic references about the dude I love…sucker! NO ONE CAN SHARE THE BURDEN! Sorry…please review. I get lonely otherwise…