Several of the assembled teenagers coughed and shuffled impatiently. It was inbred into their systems to be punctual at all times, and the lateness of their teacher made them nervous. Presently, a girl their age stalked up to the podium, glancing around at them with feral eyes. They were used to seeing oddly colored eyes, but never eyes that looked so eager to display their humiliation. The girl flicked back a golden brown coyote ear. "Attention all Mary Sues! Do you know what I have already accomplished today?"

There were murmurs, but no one spoke up.

The girl flashed a canine grin. "I have arrived late. This marks my superiority over the lot of you."

A brave girl raised her hand. "Miss, how does that-"
"Very good question! By being late, I have shown I am human."
Silence.

"But you're not-"
"That is beside the point! Being a little late makes people feel less awkward around you. They feel as though you are like them."

She stepped down. "My name is Coyote."

Whispered murmurs. Mumble.

"I know you all may find it a bit less fancy than your own. That is why I would like a volunteer."

Another girl raised her hand.

"Where's Jareth?"
"He's teaching the Gary Stues. We thought it would be better this way. I teach the Mary Sues how to be at least tolerable."

The girl ignored the verbal attack with some difficuilty. "But, he's not a girl." She pointed three seats down from her.

Coy walked towards the individual. "Yes, actually, he's a she, for all purposes. Although He'll have a rougher time of it than you lot, I daresay he'll get the hang of it sooner. Now, for my volunteer, you, the one who asked about the typical lust object. Your name?"
"Lady Amariana Princess of the lost race of stargliders through the endless nights of the maze and dusk curtains, keeper of the crystal fountains."

There was silence. Coyote recovered quickly.
"Right. All you with names as long as a sentence, stand over there. Anyone who wants to dominate the goblin king without any sort of implications, stand in that corner. And those of you who come to seduce Jareth and take over his castle but find your ice melting and instead live peacefully under his rule, you can go over there, there may be hope for you."

A shuffling occured as the three groups scattered. Coy looked at the ones who were left. "Yes, you, in the front row?"

"I am quite unacquiesed to your archetypical style of overbearing the rules."

"You, and anybody else who sleeps with the dictionary, over there!"

"Whai cnt I jest meat Jereth? Im sere hel fell in luve weth me."

Coy's eye twitched. "My ears throb just hearing that horrible grammar! Someone THAT bad has to be lazy! Because Jareth would throw you into the bog of eternal stench before you could even blink! Now, I am not here to provide a dating service! I am here to act as an instructor in the ways of a longer life! The purpose of this lesson is to teach you to act regal but not overbearing, or some semblance of normal! You are going to learn how to fit into other roles if it kills you!" She stopped, grinned, and removed a dagger. "See this you hussies? THIS was borrowed from another fandom once I found out that Mary Sues are godlike in their imperviousness to death! This is the hinds-blood dagger!"
Collective gasp.

"Yes! And it will kill you, or at least incapacitate your creator with the effort of fending off a crossover attack! Now in a line, all of you within your respective groups! Anyone here with a horrible tortured past?"
Several hands quaver into the air.

"Over there. Anyone the last survivor of a race?"

More hands.
Coy points to an unoccupied section of the building.

"Anyone from Jareth's past, a childhood crush or former betrothed?"
"The rest of the unsorted hesitantly raise their hands.

"Last remaining wall! Not a single semi-original sue today!"
She paces towards the center of the room.

"Now, we're going to play an elimination game. The knowledge you learn here will help you attempt to survive in the Labyrinth if you actually pass, which I doubt. Your team gets one life point for every correct answer. The winners are set loose inthe Labyrinth with no responsibility for health, stolen or lost property. Sound good?"
With the hinds blood dagger still glinting ominously at them, the Mary Sues all nodded fervently.

"Good! Question one- Motion with your hands, because I'm not ready to hear you talk again. When postponed by the helping hands, which way do you want to go?"
Fingers flew upwards.

"Everyone has one life point. Question two- Is the Labyrinth a piece of cake?"

Coy could swear she heard brains short circuiting.

"You! Leet and horrid grammar group! Did you even pay attention to the movie at all? Minus one point!"

She thought for a moment. "Question three- Do you ask if you want to get through the labyrinth?"

Confused huddles.

"Everyone but evil sorceress group, minus one life point!"

Collective gasp and frenzy.

"Question four- What color was Sarah's dress in the ballroom scene?"
Coy waited until the dreamy looks had dissipated from their faces.

"You dont know, do you? Minus one life point for all! Question five- What line could Sarah never remember?"

The evil sorceress group huddled, then sent a representative up.

"Yes?"
"In all fairness, you're not asking any Jareth questions."

"You're absolutely right. Your group can go fare in the Labyrinth. But quietly, don't let them see you."

Coy grinned as the sorceress group weaved through the back and dissapeared.

"Minus one point for the tragic background people! Question six- Which guard said, 'Oh, that's a lie?'"

Silence.

"Bottom Blue, you're all disqualified."

Gasps.

"Are you going to kill us?.!"

"Xena wants this back, I'd rather just drop you all in the oubliette. Bye!"
Before anyone could express fright, trapdoors opened beneath them. Soon the only people in the room were Coy and the Mary Stu.

"There's an elf clan right outside the Labyrinth. If you keep your left foot on the wall at all times you'll find it."
He nodded, and hurried out.

Coy grinned, darkness enveloping the room once more.

"That's the third time this week. I wonder if it's me." She sauntered out the door.
"I think I'll go help Jareth with the Gary Stus..."