Disclaimer: I do not own this thing. It is the brainchild of me, root beer and bagels. Yet legally the whole shebang isn't mine. Love counts for nothing these days…
Mort was dancing happily around his little kitchen. He wasn't cooking anything, it was just the nice clean surfaces and all those happy little knives just waiting to be used…besides. Mort couldn't cook. He HAD tried to enjoy raw meat, but it wasn't worth all the movies jokes it has had. So Mort was dancing and singing and movin to the groovin'….and waiting for his Chinese takeaway. Despite the fact he lives in the middle of some woods and the nearest town is just there so it could be used in westerns where everyone commits suicide and drink beer. No way did that place have a takeaway. But magically, Chinese food appeared at his house. Mort had a theory involving flying monkeys…
"Hey! There is evidence they exist! How could anything on the Simpsons not be true?"
Audience: Um, has no one told him it's a cartoon?
Fan girls: Shut up! It shows his child like innocence!
Audience: Girls, he is a psycho who goes around killing people with shovels
Fan Girls: So?
Audience: Nothing. Tralalalala….
Fan girls: What is up with them?
"Excuse me? I thought I was the main dude here!"
Narrator of this sorry tale: No, it's really all about Madonna's rise to power…
"Oh. I'm sorry. I shall go and die somewhere in a cramped space...then my remains can get squished by a sofa with Amy and Ted…THE EVIL ONE!... Making out on it…"
Audience: God, what issues
Fan Girls: Can we join him in the cramped space?
Narrator: For the love of Elvis Presley! NO! Besides…in a psychological point of view those issues are incredibly interesting!
Audience: What the hell do you know about psychology? All you have done is watch "Spellbound" too many times….
Narrator: It's a really good film!
Fan girls: If it don't star our Johnny, it is nay worth a watching'
Audience: We would have to agree with the fan girls here, apart form the way that sentence was constructed…
Narrator: It was made before Johnny Depp was born!
Fan Girls: Sure Narrator, great excuse…
Narrator: That is not the point! What I was trying to say was…
The heated argument was stopped suddenly; Mort was looking a little worried. The fan girls rushed to comfort him, this brought Mort back to reality and he shoved them off…
"I'm sorry. My…my parents divorced when I was very young…"
Matthew: Hmmm….interesting Mort. Tell me about your parents…
"Where the fuck did you come from!"
Matthew: Meh, I sleep behind you sofa so I can do things like this…
"So…so, you still love me?
It is very emotional. Mort couldn't even be crying…
Matthew: No you little shit face.
"Okay"
Matthew: Now…
"Hey! You shaved off your beard!"
Matthew: Fwah, aren't I sexy? No. Back to the point…
Narrator: Aw, don't worry Matthew; you will always be sexy to me…
Audience: Um, narrator? Hah, DON'T DO WHAT YOU WERE JUST ABOUT TO DO! Get a grip! He's a damn fictional character!
"Fictional whatta?"
Audience: Ahem. We said nothing…ignore us Mort…
By this time Matthew is looking incredibly scared, but gentleman he is…
Narrator: Like James Bond!
Narrator no. 2: I can't believe you would interrupt your own story!
Narrator no. 3: Shut up! Let her type out her fantasy you fool! As Matthew is really just some guy she likes shoved into her story at random...
Narrator: Where did you guys come from? Besides, Matthew is NOT just "some guy"
Narrator no. 4: Nowhere. Ahem, we are not your other personalities…and no, he sint some guy. He is someone more than twice your age and...
Back to the story beforethis breaks out into world war three.Matthew continued analysing Mort despite the fact the Narrator is going kind of weird now…we shall ignore her.
Matthew: So, did your parents divorce affect you?
Mort: No, not really. But according to some statistics, if your parents divorce, you are more likely to divorce…
Matthew: So you blame them for you divorcing Amy?
Mort: No…
Matthew: Okay…
Mort: I blame that absolute bastard Ted! THE MAN MUST BE ROASTED SLOWLY THEN EATEN BY FAT, UGLY AMERICANS WATCHING AMERICAN FOOTBALL!
Matthew: So, you've given this um, a LITTLE bit of thought…
Mort: No, you just don't get as much satisfaction when you just leave them to be beaten to death by old ladies wielding umbrellas…
Matthew: Great…great…
Despite the fact Matthew is disgusted; he jots down some of the ideas for future use. Johnson would pay for what he did…oh yes…
Matthew: TAKE PHOTOS OF ME WHILE I SLEEP WILL YOU? DIE!
Narrator: um, how about we take a break and get some frozen yoghurt?
Audience: You watch your "Friends" videos way too much…
"Look, aren't you supposed to be helping me? And why can't I have people trying to chat me up?"
Fan Girls: Hey! What about us Mort? Don't you love us anymore?
"Okay. That's why I don't…"
Matthew: Look, I am too busy being canoodled to really care because this is the only action I have had in years, so why don't you just try going down to the gym with…I don't know…a simulated version of Muhammad Ali and beat the crap out of something labelled Ted?
"Ooh! Can I be listening to Michael Jackson's "Beat it"? Please…"
Matthew: Oh okay, I can't resist those eyes…
Fan girls: Sigh, neither can we. Hmm, there are many dark alleyways near the gym…MUAHAHAHA!
And thus the fan girls threw on their various pink, fluffy, um, sequined cloaks of doom and planned to ravish Mort…
Narrator: AHEM! Back to the canoodling…
Matthew: Right. Mort…
"Why are you making those shoving motions with your hands? Is it some kind of signal?"
Matthew: I know it's your house and all…
"I don't mind, it will take me back to my married days…yes, watching porno after dark while Amy was committing adultery…
Narrator: Mort…
Matthew: Dont worry honey,I can handle this. LOOK! CORN! ITS ONLY FIFTY MILES AWAY!
"OOOH!"
And thus Mort ran, ran away to the imaginary corn. A bouncing and a signing his little heart out….
"Ashes to Ashes, fun to funky, we know Major Tom's a junky…"
Audience: Narrator? Couldn't he be singing something a little more…you know…
The audience realise the Narrator is too caught up in her fantasy world, and indeed, the newly shaved Matthew Whatever Wilkins, to care.
Audience: Right. Well, I hope he's feeling lucky…
And that is where we leave this happy tale.
Oh, not forever. Just long enough for me to have breakfast. Besides, it's a nice scene:
the fan girls doing there best to sing David Bowie, Matthew not noticing the newly Clint Eastwoodafied (it could be a word!) audience coming after him with some kick ass shotguns and a happy couple rolling around on the sofa...
And… and for some reason Zorro was there, he shook his head, mounts his horse and rides majestically into the sunset while whispering sweet Spanish swearwords and random lovey-dovey (still in spanish) stuff to missy mee…until of course, they do actually ride into the sunset and are almost burnt to death and Bruce Willis has to rescue them…