Due to recent developments, in an effort to save Jareth's sanity and the Mary Sues who are trying to save it, he has issued that all aspiring Mary Sues go through a training course held by his mastermaid in hopes htat if they do happen to meet a horrible demise, their authors will have no cause to sue His Majesty for neglect, and he'll have a lot less stained blotchy spots around the walls. We take no responsibility for explosions, falling pathways, wrong turns, falling into oubliettes, lost or stolen property, transformed creatures, physical or mental damage, and sudden death/certain doom
Course Goal: NOT to be a dating service. If Jareth really wants to dump me for an Authoress, Sue or Muse, they'll have to find out how to get there on their own with me as a potential enemy.
WE WILL BE primarily a health class, specializing in happiness from reviews and popularity, with a section on awareness of dodging flames, as well as general ability to become at least a tolerable person.
TO IMPROVE the skills and abilities of Authoresses/Sues and Muses, also a pyschological section tied in about having all of your skills and still be tolerable to most people.
ULTIMATE GOAL- Reforming of Authoresses/Sues/Muses to be more assertive/potentially human/individual
CRASH COURSE SEMINAR:
You cash, you'll be facing one of the nice traditional number of three fates determined by the crime and instructor's general mood. In an effort to at least try to warn you although you'll doubtless pay no attention, I have listed them below.
THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH
Always a favorite, the classical answer to Jareth's annoying problem. If you become an annoying problem, this is where you'll be deposited. Also used to keep the failures, as that's the one place where no one will notice how much you stink.
THE OUBLIETTE
Think you're safe where you're standing? Think again. Those oubliettes tend to pop up in the strangest places, darn them. Cleaned out every month or so if we happen to remember, these are used to store the hopelessly set students, including idiotic Jareth lusters. If we're lucky, you'll start eating each other down there.
THE FIREYS
As the official keeper of them, I've decided they need some company. Firileanm has expressed an interest in collecting the full set of Mary Sues, to play mix and match with.This is where you will go if you express imperviousness to reason, have a strong narcissistic complex, or try to attack/argue with the instructor. While mature and intelligent debates are part of the learning course, phrases like 'You're nothing compared to me', 'Because I said so', and 'I am all powerful' will win you an immediate one way ticket to the rave that NEVER ends.
RULES AND REGULATIONS
Leave all weapons at the door
Refrain from using magic unless asked to and then with direct instructions
Omnipotency is useless, as every second the outcome shifts
The highest offences will be dealt with by separating Authoress, Mary Sue, and Muse, as well as sealing the offender;s creative spark away.
Don not intentionally act like idiots, you're bad enough normally.
And remember, I know you're not immune in the Labyrinth, you all suffer from a 'want to be saved by Jareth' complex. You cannot change that, so give me no cause to exploit it, minus the Goblin King.
A SAMPLE OF THE DISCIPLINARY ITEMS TO BE USED
SPARK SEALER: guaranteed to lose your inspiration when your spark is captured
HINDS BLOOD DAGGER: On loan from Xena. Can kill gods and has been quite succesful on Mary Sues as well. Don't make me use it.
CALLISTO: Also on loan from Xena. She has shown an incredible ability for driving Muses insane and getting Authoresses copmmited.
And remember, everything may not be as it seems here, but this is one of those times when it is. Also, Jareth knows where you live.
Glitter and Peaches,
Coyote
Mastermaid and Course Instructor