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Part 7

(In which Yato is reminded how lucky he is to be alive at all, but everyone still has fears.)

Yato sat with his back to the cherry tree, a plate of food sitting mostly untouched by his knee. Although Hiyori had made sure to bring foods easily eaten with hands—reasonable enough for picnic fare—he still hadn't warmed up to the process of eating just yet. Even when his stomach grumbled and he labeled it hunger pangs, it still didn't quite feel connected to actually eating, and that was before all the strange sensations of taste and texture. Other bodily sensations were harder to diagnose. He could identify the simple things like cold and heat without too much hassle, but subtler aches and twinges and feelings were more difficult to discern the source of, especially since some of them originated with Yukine.

It was overwhelming, a thousand pieces to a puzzle he hadn't quite reassembled yet, but he found it more manageable if he was more selective of what he focused on. The bark of the tree was rough and scratchy and solid against his back, the grass was a bit prickly underneath him, and a gentle breeze rustled the leaves and brushed along his skin. It was a lot of sensation at once, but he had managed to calm his thoughts and let his mind go more or less blank while the external sensations washed over him. It helped when he wasn't trying to frantically analyze everything that came his way.

"What are you doing?" Hiyori asked, and he didn't realize she was talking to him until she approached with her hands braced on her hips. "I feel like you're always off hiding in corners these days."

Yato managed a rueful smile. She wasn't far off the mark. He still clung to corners and walls, making himself small and keeping out of the way and retreating if anyone got too close. He was still half convinced someone would walk through him if he wandered into their path. He had also attempted to walk through doors or walls a handful of times, and he received odd looks if he tried it in front of anyone. He had done it again a couple of days before when he'd gone to Bishamon's with Yukine to pick up his things, and Bishamon and Yukine had teased him mercilessly after their initial concern. The first time he'd done it at Kofuku's, Yukine's mirth had faded to wariness and he began watching Yato more closely.

"Sorry," Yato said. "It's a lot of excitement."

Hiyori frowned, and he wondered how long the excuse of being overwhelmed and out of sorts would last before reaching its expiration date.

"I suppose everyone did jump on you." Hiyori glanced back at the clusters of gods and shinki scattered about the lawn.

Tenjin and his crew had seemed surprisingly glad to see him returned from the dead, despite a few good-natured jibes. Baby Ebisu looked a little older, Takemikazuchi seemed just a hair less abrasive, and Bishamon had picked up a few new shinki to add to her flock, but everything seemed more or less the same.

"It's nice," Yato murmured, even if he didn't quite know what to do with all the attention. In another life, he might have reveled in it, but now he felt the weight of it like a physical thing. Still, it had touched him to see that they remembered him and cared enough to be glad of his return.

Hiyori bit her lip. "Yeah. Everyone's glad you're back." That familiar edge of guilt was back again, something sharp and double-edged and too close to Yukine's reaction after playing Father's pawn. Yato had never liked seeing guilt, especially not on the kids' faces. "You should really eat something."

Yato looked back down at his plate. "Oh, I'm not really hungry. I ate some."

"Not enough. You used to always complain about food and eat everything in sight, and now it's like you won't touch it."

"Do so."

"Is there something else you'd rather eat?"

"No. This is fine."

Hiyori looked unconvinced, but Yato was saved by Bishamon's approach. The goddess swayed ever so slightly on her feet and carried a couple bottles of sake in her hands.

"Never thought I'd catch you sitting out of all the action," she said. A slur softened her words already. She might not be drunk yet, but she was on her way. "Even Yukine's being social."

Yato's gaze slid past her. Yukine was telling some story to a group of Bishamon's shinki, gesticulating wildly. Kofuku looked on with wide eyes, her loud exclamations of surprise ringing across the field every so often.

"I guess I'd better go see what he's up to," Hiyori said, and she slipped away with one last encouraging nod to Yato.

"I already said hello to everyone," Yato said as Bishamon dropped to the ground beside him.

"Sure, but you didn't talk anyone's ear off," she said. "Here."

She thrust one of the sake bottles at him, and he took it.

"Thanks," he said, even though he had no intention of drinking today. His senses were already overwhelmed without being thrown into a drunken stupor, and he felt it prudent to keep his wits about him to make sure he didn't say too much.

"It hasn't been the same without a drinking buddy," she confided, taking a swig. "Kazuma is a little too uptight for the job."

A smile ghosted over Yato's lips, and he pretended to take a sip. "Sounds like Kazuma."

Bishamon sniffed. "I remember you being a lot more excitable. And talkative. Goodness, you never shut up. I don't get all the moping."

Yato smirked as she took several more swallows of sake. Someone was tipsy.

"I'm not moping," he said.

"Uh-huh, whatever," she slurred. Yato nursed his drink while she downed hers. They drank—or pretended to—in silence for a few minutes before she said, "I missed you. Even if you were an annoying bastard." When Yato's eyebrows jumped up his forehead, she scowled and added, "Kazuma is too uptight to be a proper drinking buddy."

Yato snorted. "Yeah, you already said that."

"Did not."

"You are very drunk."

"So are you!"

"Not half as drunk as you are. You really think you'd say you missed me if you weren't wasted?"

Bishamon squinted at him. "I guess not."

"Definitely not." Yato hesitated, but she was drunk and he was supposed to be drunk too, so he supposed it didn't matter. "Thanks for taking care of Yukine. You did a good job with him. I'm glad you were there when I wasn't."

"Hm… We should talk about what to do with him now. When I should release him." She frowned down at her empty bottle. "But when I'm sober."

"Don't release him. If you release him, you won't be able to name him when–if I disappear again."

Bishamon winced, but she didn't protest like the kids would. She knew how precarious his position was.

"Unless you want to designate a different backup master, I guess."

"No," Yato said quietly. "There's no one I'd trust more to guide him."

Bishamon squinted at him some more. "Funny, I thought you'd be rolling in your grave when I named him."

Yato smiled humorlessly. "No. You're an annoying bitch, but you did well by him. He did well with you."

"Except for when he was moping over you. But he did start doing better after a while. Your kid sucks at teamwork, you know."

"That…does not surprise me." Yato watched Yukine getting worked up across the lawn, jabbing his finger at another shinki's chest. One of Bishamon's new ones, probably. "I didn't mean to sweep in and steal him away from you. He just…needed to know, I guess. I'm not sure what to do now."

"Eh, he was yours first. He warmed up to me eventually, but his first loyalty is still to you. And that's okay."

"He's been through a lot. I'm worried that if something goes wrong…"

Bishamon whacked him in the arm with her bottle. "Quit thinking about worst-case scenarios. Yukine's a smart kid. Listen to whatever plans he comes up with and you'll be fine. You could use a guidepost."

"Yeah, I could," Yato murmured. He just hoped that if Yukine's best-laid plans failed, he wouldn't blame himself.

"Quit being grumpy! You're back from the dead, aren't you? And you didn't even have to lose your memories and reincarnate, you lucky bastard."

Yato watched Ebisu sitting cross-legged on the blanket and poking at his food. "I would have rather reincarnated," he said grimly. "It would have been kinder."

Bishamon looked at him as if he had grown a second head, but her eyes were also slightly crossed and she was staring at a point to the left of his nose, so he wasn't too worried. He wondered how much she'd had to drink—usually she held her liquor better than this.

"You're crazy," she slurred. "Thought you'd prefer to keep your memories." Yato only hummed noncommittally. He would have thought so too, but there were some things he'd rather not remember. "You're lucky to be alive at all," she declared. "Aren't you happy about it? I would've thought you'd appreciate a second chance more than anyone."

Yato raised his eyebrows, but it was a true piece of drunken wisdom. Even if his reprieve was only for a few days, he was insanely lucky to have this chance. If he was to be condemned to exist as a mere shade once more, how could he bear to waste this opportunity? He should make the most of this chance. He had always been intensely aware of how lucky he was to be alive at all. It would be a shame to forget that now.

"You are absolutely right," he said. "Thank you."

He handed Bishamon his untouched drink and offered her a small smile before leaving her staring after him as he loped back across the grass to wedge himself between Yukine and Hiyori and rejoin the party.

Yato was jerked awake by the sound of a phone ringing far too close to his head. He squinted into the darkness blearily, hoping someone would pick it up soon.

"Are you gonna get that?" Yukine moaned from across the room. When Yato didn't respond and only pushed himself up onto his elbows to see who else was in the room with them, Yukine added, "Yato! Get the phone already! Do you have any idea what time it is?"

The sound of his name shook Yato from his stupor. There was no one else in the room. Yukine was talking to him, because he wasn't invisible anymore. The phone was his, collected by Yukine when he vanished and returned with reverence when he reappeared.

He reached for the phone, fingers scrabbling against the hard plastic case. The light of the screen seared his vision—such a small, silly thing when he'd once been able to stare at the sun unblinking and feel nothing at all—and he squeezed his eyes shut and pounded his thumb against the screen until the call went through.

"Hello?" he grumbled.

"Yato?" Hiyori asked. "Yato, are you alright?"

"Yeah…? Is something wrong?"

He couldn't come up with any good reason for her to be calling him in the dark hours of the morning, especially not sounding so panicked.

"Oh… No, of course not." Hiyori laughed, but it was high-pitched and shrill. "Sorry for waking you up."

"What happened?"

"Oh… Nothing. Nothing. It was just a dream, I guess, but I had to make sure…"

Yato's heart dropped. She had dreamed he was gone or something like it, and it was real and frightening enough that she had to make sure he was still here. Her panic was contagious, sending anxiety prickling up and down his skin like static. She couldn't forget him now. Was she on the edge? He couldn't go back.

Hiyori yelped in surprise when Yato materialized at her bedside, dropping her phone as she tugged the covers up to her chest. "Y-Yato?"

Yato flipped his phone shut and looked her up and down, searching her face. Was she so upset because her memories were starting to grow hazy again and she was on the edge of forgetting, or was she just frightened by a nightmare? Would he be able to tell just by looking at her? If he could, would he want to?

But if Hiyori's secrets were painted on her face, he had forgotten how to read them. All he could see was her pale face and wide eyes and trembling hands, and those could mean anything.

"It's okay," Yato said. "I'm here."

Hiyori's face crumpled. "You aren't supposed to teleport into my room in the middle of the night," she mumbled, her eyes filling with tears.

"I must have forgotten. I consider boundaries more suggestions than rules."

Hiyori snorted wetly, half laugh and half sob. "Come here."

"Are you going to hit me?"

"I'll give you a free pass this time."

Yato circled the bed, and Hiyori scooted over a few inches to give him space to perch on the edge. Hiyori reached out but then hesitated, her hand hovering in the air.

"May I…?"

Yato raised an eyebrow. Since when had she needed permission?

"Of course."

"Sorry." She smiled sheepishly. "You've been…a little weird about touch lately. You used to be so touchy-feely, and now it seems like you're always flinching away."

"Oh. No, it's…fine. I just don't like…being taken by surprise, I guess. It's okay if I see it coming."

Hiyori raised an eyebrow but scooched closer and leaned against him. Yato draped an arm around her and relaxed just a little. If he could touch her, she wasn't forgetting him. He craved touch like he always had, even more desperately than ever before just to prove to himself that everyone saw him and he existed. But if someone approached without acknowledging him, his instincts kicked in. It was one thing if they said his name first or he was absolutely sure they saw him there. If they didn't acknowledge him first, it wasn't worth the risk. He didn't think his heart could take being walked through again when he least expected it.

In theory, he should know if he was visible based on whether he could feel other sensations too, but in the moment that hardly counted for anything.

"I'm really sorry," Hiyori mumbled. "I can't help but think…"

"It's not your fault," Yato said. "And I'm fine. We're fine. It's okay now."

"I'm afraid. I'm afraid of forgetting again. And if I do, what if I don't remember? What if you don't…?"

"Don't be afraid," he said. That's my job. "You're here, and that's what matters."

Hiyori turned her face into his chest. "But what if that's not enough?" she breathed so softly that he wasn't sure he was supposed to hear.

So he said nothing, and they huddled close in the dark, trying to stave off fears with the warmth of touch alone. It took a long time for Hiyori to fall back asleep, and Yato stayed for a good while after. He stared unblinkingly into the dark, listening to Hiyori's steady breathing and pressing as close to her as he could.

Eventually, he maneuvered her back onto her pillow and tucked the blankets in around her. He stole out the window and walked back to Kofuku's shrine slowly, dragging his feet. He buried his hands in his pockets and watched the play of moonlight and shadow. The whole incident left him feeling ill at ease and sick to his stomach. Even the clean night air was difficult to breathe.

He was still walking a fine line, a knife's edge. How easy would it be to fall back into oblivion?

When he finally pulled himself together and climbed through the window into the attic, Yukine was sitting up in his futon, watching him in the light of the lamp.

"You're still up?" Yato asked, abandoning his pretense of stealth.

Yukine sniffed. "You got a mysterious call in the middle of the night, thought something was wrong, and disappeared without a word. Off to Hiyori's, I presume. What did you expect?"

"Oh." Yato hesitated just inside the window and dropped his gaze to the floor. "Sorry. I guess I shouldn't have just disappeared like that."

"Uh-huh. So, is everything okay?"

"Yeah. She just had a nightmare."

Yukine didn't say anything for a long time, but then blew out a harsh breath. "I've been coming up with some plans and things. We need to really get back to work now that the parties are over and there's not as much fuss. Get back into the swing of things. Hiyori is great, but…we shouldn't just rely on her. We need to get you some more believers."

Yato had never had any great luck attracting believers even with Yukine's help, and he didn't see why it should be any different now. "I guess," he muttered. "It doesn't seem like I'm very memorable, though."

"Don't you dare give up before we've even started," Yukine said sharply. And then, quieter, "You were memorable to me."

Yato sighed and drifted across the room, sitting beside Yukine on his futon. Yukine watched him warily, mouth pressed into a tight line.

"Sorry, kid. You're right." Yato looked at his shrine perched on the edge of the windowsill. The coins had since been swept out of the way and into the cash bottle, but they were seared into his memory. "I know that…all those wishes were yours. That you always came back and left offerings and prayed. And I…I really appreciate that. It means a lot to me, that you still cared."

Yukine looked away, cheeks pink. "Whatever."

"Really, Yukine. You could have just… But you still came back."

"I didn't think you were coming back."

"Neither did I, honestly. It would have been easier to move on and not look back."

"I guess," Yukine mumbled, squirming.

Yato hesitated, wondering how far he should push, but then asked, "Are you still angry with Hiyori?"

Yukine looked up, eyes wide and guilty. "What? What makes you think I'm mad at Hiyori?"

"She forgot, even though she said she wouldn't. Because of that, I… But you lost a friend too. I know you were always afraid of her forgetting you too. You lost both of us at once. And honestly, you pretty much deal with all of your negative emotions by turning them into anger."

"Do not," Yukine grumbled, but he looked away again. "I don't know. It's not fair to blame her or be angry. I'm really happy to have her back. It's just… I guess I'm afraid of believing it's forever again. I'm afraid of getting too close if she's going to forget and I lose you both again."

"Yeah," Yato said quietly. "I'm scared too. Hope seems like a dangerous thing when things could fall apart again at any minute. But…you can't let fear rule you, either. Otherwise, you'll miss out on living."

A small hand brushed against his fingers.

"I have ideas," Yukine said. His voice wavered, and he cleared his throat. "Even if Hiyori… You won't disappear again. I won't let you."

Yato wrapped his arms around Yukine and hugged him tight. "You're my guidepost," he said. "I trust you more than anyone. If anyone can pull it off, it's you."

Yukine's body trembled. He felt so small in Yato's arms, still a child. His hot tears seeped through Yato's jersey.

"I have nightmares too," Yukine whispered so quietly Yato wasn't sure he was meant to hear. "I've had them all along."

This time, Yato didn't feign ignorance.

"Not tonight, you won't," he murmured. "I'm here tonight, and I plan to stick around."

"You'd better," Yukine mumbled.

So Yato stayed, until long after the sun peeked above the horizon.