Chapter Eight: The Lament of Autumn
September 7, 2004 - October 23, 2004
"She said, "I'll throw myself away, they're just photos after all." I can't make you hang around. I can't wash you off my skin. Outside the frame, is what we're leaving out. You won't remember anyway." - Queens of the Stone Age (Go With the Flow)
Tuesday, September 7, 2004 - Bella
It was dark for a long time, but I was vaguely aware of the passage of time. Not in the sense that I knew what day it was, it was more like I was partially aware that I was alive, and the world was moving around me. I knew I was in a hospital, but I was so disconnected that it wasn't a worry. What gradually woke me up was the pain. It was subtle at first, then as the world started to come back it became more and more acute.
When I woke up sometime later in a hospital bed, I almost screamed because the pain in my chest and back was like an exposed nerve. I felt eyelashes tear as I forced my eyes open, and the dim room was very blurry. I looked around, and could just make out two human sized shapes. One was at the foot of my bed, their head resting by my feet. The other was against the far wall facing me. Both were making sounds as though they were asleep and I recognized both. My parents were here, in the same room. It had to be bad.
How long had I been out?
I tried to sit up, but found I was totally immobile. I blinked a few times to clear my eyes out, and tried to bring my hand up to wipe them. My right arm wasn't moving, and found it was encased in a large cast covering from my fingers up to my shoulder. So I tried my left and discovered it was attached to a mess of cables and an intravenous line feeding me fluids.
"Help." I said, my voice was low and scratchy, and barely audible. But it was enough, Dad roused immediately and looked directly at me. We met eyes for a second and his mouth dropped and his jaw began to quiver. He was on his feet and at my side so fast.
"Bella…" He paused as he whispered my name in reverence. "What do you need?" He spoke gently, as if his voice might hurt me, while brushing my hair back from my forehead.
"Water." I croaked out. He nodded with a deep breath and reached for the nurse call button. A few seconds later a woman came running in. The nurse's name tag was the first thing I noticed; G. Mallory.
She looked at me and smiled widely, then nodded once at my father before moving over to my side and checking my pulse. "I'll call Doctor Cullen right away."
"Can you get her some water first?" Dad asked rather gently.
"Of course, I'll be right back." She was nodding at his request and was already turning towards the door. She nurse returned quickly, with a pitcher of water and a plastic cup with a straw. The cold liquid felt good on my lips and tongue, and nearly made me sigh in relief when it hit my throat.
"Slowly." She chided, and pulled the cup back as I gulped the water down. It was the best thing I had ever tasted, which in a perverse way was kind of wonderful.
She spoke at normal volume though, which caused my mother to stir. I braced myself as she woke up and as soon as she saw me awake she stood and rushed up along the bed and then stopped herself from going in for a hug. "Bella!" She practically screamed.
"Give her space Renee." He said softly, she was hovering near my face and it was a bit intrusive.
She turned and glared at him. "She's awake, she needs me." Renee said with venom. It was clear there was an argument there I wasn't aware of.
"She doesn't need you to get so close to her face that she can barely breathe." Charlie said with clear frustration.
Renee turned on her ex-husband. "She doesn't need you at all. Get out of here Charlie."
Charlie blanched, and took a small step back. Then shook his head and squared his shoulders. "I will be here as long as she wants me here."
"Mom, Dad. Please stop." I said with a cracked voice, my words almost inaudible. Yet they both heard me and turned to look at me. I almost wished they hadn't.
"I'm so glad you're awake sweetie." Renee said with a smile that said entirely too much. Not only was she sad, she looked at me as if I were broken. My father's expression was a bit more complex, he was clearly sad and worried, but he was also relieved and overjoyed that I was awake..
"How long?" I croaked out, almost terrified of the answer.
"Seven days." The doctor said from the door. I glanced over to find Dr. Cullen standing there looking like a movie star. He quickly moved to my side, checked over my chart and then did a quick examination of my pulse and blood pressure. Which forced mom to back away. "Bella, would you please close your eyes."
"Okay." I said, feeling like what he was about to test would define my condition.
"Tell me when you can feel something." I waited for what felt like several seconds, until I could feel something sharp rolling up my left hip.
"Yes." I said softly.
"Alright, you can open your eyes now." He spoke very gently, and gave me a reassuring smile. "Do you feel up to eating anything?" Doctor Cullen asked almost randomly, and as he did I felt my stomach gurgle. So I nodded a few times, because talking felt strange.
"Nurse Mallory, please add her to the lunch rotation and resume your rounds, I'll call you when I need you." Doctor Cullen looked at her briefly and smiled professionally, dismissing her easily. She nodded a bit too enthusiastically and left immediately. He glanced at my parents as if looking for permission. Charlie nodded almost imperceptibly.
"Bella. This will be difficult to hear, but you and your parents are going to be faced with challenges over the next several months and you need to be informed. You were in a terrible accident, which caused massive damage to your chest, right arm and spine. We performed three surgeries on you after you arrived. The first to repair any internal injuries, the second to set broken bones, and the third to work on the damage to your back."
"I managed to repair the damage to your kidneys and liver. I also fixed your heart as best I could; however, there is a touch of irony there. You had a minor congenital defect that could've become problematic later in life. In that respect I increased your life expectancy by a decade. However, the damage to your lower spine was too severe. I'm sorry to say, you will likely never walk again."
I gasped and felt a weight on my chest as I struggled to breathe. Without even a touch of panic, he reached behind me and produced a small mask he fit over my nose and mouth, which began to force air into my lungs. I took in several mouthfuls and reached up with my left hand to remove it. He shook his head and removed it for me.
"There is more, the initial impact caused some crushing damage to your chest. This compromised your upper gestural intestinal tract and I had to remove a part of your right lung, which will reduce your breathing capacity and make exertion difficult. Your right arm was crushed, causing nerve damage and several types of fractures. We did what we could, but you may need more surgery to regain full functionality of that arm. The damage to your GI tract was too extensive, and you will have an altered and possibly diminished appetite."
"Due to the damage to your nervous system and your lungs you will be at heightened risk for lung infections and possibly seizures. At the moment you're stable, and in time you should have a decent quality of life. But I don't want to lie to you. You will likely have some pain; how much I can't be sure of. We will work together to try to manage your medications to suit your needs. Do you have any questions?" He was precise but compassionate. I could tell it was killing him to have to break this kind of news to me.
"I'll never walk again?" There was too much information to absorb. I had trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that my life as I knew it was over.
"No, you will be in a wheelchair for the remainder of your life. For the time being, until we can restore your right arm, we will give you an automatic chair…" He continued, and I nodded at the things he said, but my mind was elsewhere. I had come to Forks to try and make my family happy. Now they were miserable again, and it was my fault.
Wednesday, September 8, 2004 - Edward
I was still living in that moment. The crash replayed in my head again and again. Despite the news that she was awake, I felt like just going through the motions of my old life was pointless. I wanted to go back in time, reverse what I had done. Not hesitate, leap over that truck and pull her away from those monstrous metal beasts. But I couldn't. I was stuck in time, a living nightmare of consequence.
It didn't help that no one in the family would talk to me, and Alice and Rose were so angry they wouldn't even stay in the same room with me for more than a few seconds. Emmett was distant, and wouldn't hunt with me. Esme was locked up in her gallery and refused to let me in to talk. At least Carlisle was cordial, but even he barely said hello when we crossed paths.
What was even worse were their thoughts, which I tried not to listen to, but Alice and Rose were so loud that it was hard to block out. Alice kept up a steady stream of obscenity at me, and Rose was angry in a way that made me fear she would eventually lash out at me. The rest of the family was just disappointed, Esme most of all. She was obsessing over something Alice had said to her, a detail from the life I had stolen from her. A daughter that would never be.
The school was oddly silent, despite the usual cacophony of mental voices. Teachers were somber, and their thoughts betrayed a level of guilt for not coming out to investigate the crash sooner. Several of the students, especially Jessica Stanley were deeply affected by the accident. She had almost completely withdrawn from her clique and threw herself into her studies. She also began to date the Newton boy but their relationship wasn't what I expected. There was a mutual level of respect and friendship that made me hope they would go the distance.
Then there was Angela.
Alice threw caution to the wind and embraced her as a friend openly. She began to sit at our table, and in a lot of ways was more welcome than I was. It was a strange dynamic, I would sit in silence at lunch while Angela and Alice and Rose talked. Even Emmett seemed to like her, and I had to admit it was nice to have a connection to Bella there. Angela had already seen her, well officially. I had snuck into her hospital room a couple of times to check on her between nurse checks.
I knew it was wrong to go there without anyone's knowledge or her permission, but I had to see her. The first time was the night after the accident, when she was still puffy and hooked up to everything. I was half tempted to try and turn her right then. It would be strange for her, but I knew from Alice that she would accept it. Perhaps even like it. Yet I held off, partially because I wasn't sure she would survive the process, but mostly because I was sure she should have what was left of her life.
I imagined what her life would be but in truth it was a fantasy. A dream of a good long life for her. Of course I couldn't be sure, because Alice wouldn't share Bella's future with me. But it had to be better than life as a living statue. Apart from society, never changing and always thirsting for blood. A constant impulse that could turn you into a monster in any interaction with humanity.
I didn't want her to endure that pain. Sure she would have some physical pain, but Bella would never have to feel what I did when I closed my eyes. To see the faces of those men I killed. I was sure my soul was lost when I gave into my impulses, and I was positive it would only be a matter of time before she succumbed to that need as well if she were turned.
But was that selfish? Was I imposing my views on her? She had an opportunity that few mortals ever had, she had drawn the interest of immortals. Even in her present state, she would be fully restored after the transition. Then there was the question that Esme posed to me, if she were to be my mate… assuming that she could forgive me for my hesitation, it would be impossible to have a true partnership if she were not my equal. Which meant that she would have to be turned.
So was that my choice? Or was it hers?
I was deeply conflicted, and I had to wait for any developments in human terms. Which was very slow and proportionally frustrating. What little I had gathered from Alice, Bella wouldn't recover enough to return to school until January. Which meant I would have no meaningful interactions with her until then. Unless she came to visit the house… perhaps that could be an olive branch, let Alice know I wanted Bella to visit us when she was well enough. Perhaps then I could gauge what she would want, and maybe figure out what I wanted as well.
Thursday, September 9, 2004 - Angela
"Here, you dropped this." Jessica had approached my desk in Government, and plopped down my purse and bookbag. I had thought they were lost the day of the crash. I couldn't fathom why she had kept them for over a week.
"Where did you find them?" I asked, thinking that she had stolen them.
"You dropped them right in front of me, and I grabbed them to give back to you. But when you didn't come back that day I took them home. I wasn't sure I wanted to return them. They've been sitting in my room for a week and I thought it was time. Look, I'm sorry about Bella. No one deserves that, and you were right about Lauren. I'm done with her too. But I cannot forgive you either. So we aren't friends, but I won't talk about you behind your back or bad mouth you. There's no point. It's time I got ready for college." She didn't give me a chance to interrupt so I just stared at her unblinking. Then she immediately turned away.
"Thank you." I was all I could think to say, and she nodded once as she moved to the opposite side of the class.
Lunch was nice, as Alice and Rose saved me a seat. Emmett gave me a warm smile and even Edward showed a bit of joy in my presence.
"Hello all." I said as I sat with a soft happy sigh.
"I see you found your stuff. Where was it?" Rose asked, and I nodded with a bit of befuddlement.
"Jessica had them, she's decided that she's no longer upset but doesn't want to be friends" I was feeling almost positive about the encounter, sure I just officially lost a life long friend, but it felt like it was more about her life pursuits than anything to do with me.
"How are you doing?" Alice asked, a sympathetic look on her face.
"I thought I would be more upset after we finally spoke, and I think I'm okay with it. Isn't that strange, last week I was practically devastated by the idea of losing them. Now it seems kind of irrelevant." As I spoke I knew what I was saying was true. Losing my old friends was no longer important. Bella was important, my friendship with Alice and Rose was important. Helping Charlie deal with his daughter's situation, my parents, my little brothers. Getting ready for college applications. The list of things that mattered above Jessica and Lauren was a mile high, and that perspective was uplifting. I actually smiled.
"That's good to hear, I know you were struggling with it."
"Thank you." Edward said out of the blue. I looked over at him, for really the first time since I had started sitting at their table. He had that gorgeous crooked smile on his face, and I searched his expression for an answer.
"What for?" I asked, unsure of what I was being praised for.
"What you did for Bella, when I wasn't able to be there. I have been feeling such shame over my actions that day. I'm sorry, to you and my family and most importantly to Bella." His heart was in the right place, but I couldn't really understand what he was apologizing for. Perhaps running away? In that respect his actions were no different from Alice or Emmett.
"You can tell her yourself, the doctors are letting friends visit now." I said somewhat incredulously, apologizing to me was a bit pointless.
"Would you ask her if she'll see me?" His request was so sincere and heartfelt that I immediately nodded.
"I will." I agreed.
Monday, September 13, 2004 - Charlie
We had been preparing the house for Bella's arrival for almost two weeks. I had gotten close to selling the house, but I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. So instead I got one of those lift chairs installed for the stairs so that she wouldn't have to rely on me to carry her up to her room. I wanted to make her feel as self sufficient as possible, by installing things in the bathroom to help her move around.
"Renee there is no way they will allow a party in the hospital. Doctor Cullen might let her have a small sliver of cake, but no open flames and I bet only one friend at a time." I knew the point was right, but I was a little upset to make it. I wanted Bella to have fun and be happy on her birthday.
"You are such a spoilsport." Renee said in disappointment, she actually looked crestfallen. It felt so childish that made me want to lash out at her.
"I'm practical. It's why you divorced me." I said with some bitterness.
"No, I divorced you because you refused to leave Forks. Why didn't you come with me?" I looked over at her in confusion.
"My life was here, my family, our home." I said, reiterating my reasons… again. We had that argument a dozen times before she left.
"This dinky house is not our home. Your mom is dead now, and I don't get it. Children leave their hometowns all the time. What was so special about Forks that made you give up your wife and daughter?" I couldn't understand what she meant. There was no way she had left that kind of choice unsaid. The idea that I would choose Forks over her and Bella was absurd. Back then she had made it clear she wanted to leave, but I couldn't remember a single instance or off hand remark that left me with the impression I was welcome to go with her.
I shook my head. "I honestly didn't know that was an option. You never told me I could go with you." I wanted to say more, but it was far too late. I still had some love left in my heart for Renee, but I could see nothing in her eyes that told me she felt the same.
"Oh… I guess. Didn't I? Charlie, I'm sorry I've been thinking all these years that you abandoned us." Her response was hurtful. She had known full well what she was doing back then. Had the years hardened her so much that she could be so casually cruel? Or was it just me, did she hate me?
"Hardly." I responded with biting sarcasm.
"What did you end up getting her? I know you nixed my idea." Her change of topics gave me whiplash, but at least it brought us back to the day. We were set to visit Bella in an hour for a little pre-party celebration. Well as much of a party as was possible in a hospital with someone two weeks out from a major accident.
"Getting her a camera right now seems like a bad joke. Next year." I explained my reasons for the third time. I had never seen Bella inspect the world around her as a photographer would. I just wasn't sure she would care much about a camera. Renee seemed to think it was the best gift ever.
"She could document her journey in the hospital, but whatever." She was shaking her head, as she wrapped up a long white box with some kind of necklace in it. She had refused to let me see it, but I honestly didn't care. It was a gift for Bella.
"I got her that tablet with the keyboard and voice to text software to go with it." I said as I grabbed her already wrapped presents from the bookshelf by the TV and put it in my shoulder bag. I put my hand out for hers and she reluctantly gave it to me.
"Wow, that's extravagant. Can you even afford something like that?" I wasn't going to get into my finances with her. I owned the house outright and my insurance was covering the upgrades to the house for Bella. I had no need to defend spending money on my own daughter.
"She's a writer Renee, this way she can still write." I explained. Bella needed continuity, she needed to know I didn't think of her as broken or pitiable. She was the most important part of my life, and I had just gotten her back before all of this. Seventeen years without my daughter, I wasn't going to spend another minute without her… at least until she left me in another year for College.
"Oh that's just a passing phase." She waved her hand as if it was unimportant. Even I knew that Bella has been writing since she was ten. Seven years, that could hardly be considered a phase.
"Have you read any of her stories?" I wondered, hoping she had at least asked.
"Nope, you know I hate reading." I kept my face neutral, but inside I was wincing. I knew that Renee loved Bella, but sometimes I wondered how much.
"Well, she let me see the one she shared with Angela, and it is really good. I want to encourage that." I said thinking about that short story, I had told Bella it was good. I hadn't told her it made me cry. It spoke to the kind of love I had always hoped to find. Even the tragic elements spoke to something greater, even through loss her protagonist had her memories of love. Which in my mind was better than almost two decades of loneliness.
"You're just trying to get her on your side." She sounded like she was trying to be playful, but her expression made me react as though she were being serious.
"There are no sides, we're all in this together. Our daughter is going to need a lot of care for months at least. It will never work if we're at each other all the time." I was almost begging for peace, I couldn't keep fighting with Renee if I had a hope of giving Bella the attention and care she needed, while also keeping my job.
"You're right." She replied in a way that made me almost sigh in relief. It was an acknowledgement of the truth. "Oh I forgot to tell you, Phil is going to be here over the winter and will leave again in the spring when the season starts."
"Good to know, so you're keeping that apartment?" I asked perhaps a bit too enthusiastically. The house simply wasn't big enough for four people.
"For now, it's month to month. I'll stay until Bella gets better." She made it sound like it would be a few months and that was it.
"That might never happen Renee, are you ready to stay here for years?" It was the test, if she could handle living in Forks for any length of time for her daughter then I wouldn't have to worry about Renee causing drama for Bella.
"Years…" I could see the weight of that choice as she realized the reality of our situation. "It's Bella. I'll stay for her." It was something at least.
Monday, September 13, 2004 - Bella
Mom got me a charming little necklace with a phoenix on it to remind me of 'home'. While dad got me something that was both incredibly touching and mildly sad. Once they were gone I spent a couple of hours setting up and playing with my new tablet and ended up getting the speech to text program to work, only to realize the tablet didn't have a microphone. I was able to hunt and peck my way through a couple of paragraphs with one hand and that was enough.
My mind was still a little fuzzy from heavy drugs and well, the almost dying thing. Then it was my friends' turn shortly after the school day ended, and I was a little bored as I sat alone waiting for them to arrive. Somehow, and I had even bets it was Alice, one of them convinced Doctor Cullen to let everyone in at once.
"Happy birthday Bella!" Alice said with far more enthusiasm than I felt. While it was nice to be alive, I was going to spend the rest of my life strapped to a wheelchair… Suffice it to say, I was a little depressed.
"Happy birthday!" Angela, Rose and Emmett all joined in. I gave them all appreciative smiles and tried to look happy to see them. It wasn't that I wasn't, but it took effort to be positive lately and I'd already used up most of my reserves on my parents visit. Mom was in top form, but at least they only argued once in front of me.
"There's cake over there, dad got me caramel fudge. The bastard." I said, trying not to laugh at my own sarcasm. I loved caramel fudge cake, the bakery in town was actually decent and it tasted wonderful. But I could only stomach three bites before feeling ill. Before I would've polished off half the cake myself.
"Dad said you would have problems eating. Are you feeling any better?" Alice said as she came up alongside and took my left hand in hers. I felt a shock at contact with her skin, but I'd been so hot with a fever and multiple casts that it felt nice for a change.
"A bit, they changed some of the bandages the other day for smaller ones, and while it's nice to be able to move a little more the pain is worse." I hated to admit it, but I didn't like to lie.
"Yes, and expect the surgery sites to feel tight and possibly hot to the touch as they heal. Plus it'll itch like mad." She said as if she were an expert, although living with a doctor might have given her a few bits of knowledge over the years.
"Wonderful. I can't wait." I said dryly followed up by a mildly desperate chuckle.
"I see this whole experience has sharpened your sarcasm." Alice smirked, but I could tell she was only teasing, there was nothing mean in her expression.
"Possibly." I said with a straight face. "Really, I'm just glad to have friends. Thank you for being here."
"My pleasure. I'm gonna go bother someone else so that you get some face time with everyone. I'll be back later." She gave me a big smile flashing her perfect teeth. I felt a flash of discomfort, as though a simple smile were somehow sinister. Yet it was stupid, I felt perfectly safe around Alice. Why had I reacted that way?
"Okay." Alice spun on her heels and was over by the cake so quickly that I wasn't sure what I was seeing. Then she tapped Rose on the shoulder, who turned and made her way over to me. She glanced at my hand, and motioned with her eyes almost asking if she could touch me. I nodded gratefully, the gesture was subtle but important.
"I'm not going to ask how you're doing, that would be silly and mean. I wanted to say how happy I am that you are here and I look forward to getting to know you better." Rose's grip was much like Alice's, her skin was cold and very smooth. She held my hand a little differently, and I found her touch to be a bit exhilarating.
"I... feel the same. I'm very glad I'm still here and I would love to get to know you better." I actually stuttered. I wasn't sure my attraction to her was anything more than a drunken illusion, but her physical beauty seemed to be more than just surface deep. There was a strange kindness in her eyes that I hadn't seen before. She wasn't feeling sympathy for me, she was angry. But it didn't feel like she was angry at me. I wanted to know why, but I didn't want to be nosey.
"Alright. So little known fact about me, I'm a total gear head." The declaration caught me completely off guard.
"Really, like race cars and stuff?" I asked enthusiastically, and she confirmed with a nod and a happy grin. I liked cars but I wasn't into them, but it was so interesting that she was. "So do you fix, build or drive?"
"Yes. I built a vintage 67' Shelby most recently, and I absolutely love tinkering with my Bimmer. Actually my Melbourne is barely stock anymore, except for the frame." She said proudly, I didn't quite understand what she meant but it was clear she loved talking about it. So I responded to the best of my understanding.
"Honestly they are kind of mystery boxes to me, but they are pretty mystery boxes." I shrugged, not sure how she would take my utter lack of experience with cars.
"You know, turning a wrench can be done on your back or from a chair, there's nothing that says you need your legs. If you're ever in need to get your hands dirty, let me know." The offer was clear, she wanted to spend time with me. I was genuinely happy and a little intimidated by the prospect. Or I would've been if it were not for the mountain of a man giving her a rather loving side glance from across the room.
"I'll keep that in mind. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to do more than hand you tools, but I like watching people work." I said, being somewhat disparaging about my abilities.
"You might be surprised, but fair enough. I'm in my garage every day and most weekends. I do maintenance on all our cars." She gave me a friendly smile, and I found myself nodded in acceptance.
"It might be interesting at least. So out of curiosity how many do you guys have anyway?"
She thought for a second, "I don't count the Shelby because it is still up in Alaska. Otherwise we have four that we use daily." I caught the inference that they only used four, but there were obviously more elsewhere. Which made me wonder how many properties they had. Yet instead of asking, I chickened out and changed topics to something trivial.
"Alaska, that would be quite a drive down here. " It fit with the conversation but was a bit out of nowhere, yet her eyes lit up with an idea.
"If you're better by the summer, maybe we'll do a road trip. I haven't done that drive in a long time." I blinked for a few seconds in surprise, a road trip with me would be difficult for anyone. She would have to do so much just to get me in and out of the car. But I couldn't say no, it sounded wonderful.
"If I ever get out of this bed, it's a plan." I gave her an appreciative smile and squeezed her hand.
"According to Alice you'll be back in school by January." It sounded a bit like a platitude, but a bit oddly worded. Yet as I thought about the comment the weirder it sounded.
"I hope so." I replied simply, not sure how else to respond.
"Anyway, I'm going to let Angela have her turn. We'll figure out the trip soon." She squeezed my hand gently, and gave me a warm smile before turning away and tagging Angela in.
Angela pulled the chair over and sat next to me. It was only the second time seeing her since I woke up, but just having her there gave me a bit of a lift.
"So, you'll never guess who asked to see you." She was clearly a bit amused by this, so I responded in kind.
"Lauren Mallory." I threw it out as a guess, knowing it was wrong.
"That'll never happen, no it was Edward Cullen." She said as if it was surprising. I kept back my smile, as much as I wasn't sure about him he was far too pretty to turn away without giving him a real chance first.
"That's not surprising, he seems interested in me for some reason. Or he was, I have no doubt he'll find me less than appealing now." I lowered my eyes a little, I couldn't imagine a world where Edward Cullen found me attractive in the first place, let alone now after I had lost everything.
"Don't talk down about yourself, you're still you." Angela shook her head at me, and leveled me with a serious look that said I couldn't argue with her.
"By half." I snarked back, but she just frowned. Although I could see Emmett in the corner chuckling slightly. Could he hear me? Or was it someone else who had made him laugh?
"I'm not joking, you are Isabella Swan, and I wouldn't have you any other way… well I um, that came out wrong but you know what I mean." Angela continued with a straight face. I twisted my lips to the left and shrugged with a small head tilt.
"Okay. So I'm still me, just shorter." I said deadpan, this time she broke and started to laugh.
"Okay, that was funny." She said between giggles.
"Good, that's the first laugh I've heard about this admittedly ridiculous situation. I got squished by a couple of cars and now everyone is so serious all the time." I was trying to make light of things, because I honestly wasn't sure I could handle anything else.
"I promise it won't always be like this." She said with a deep sincerity, and then reached out and squeezed my shoulder.
"I'm gonna hold you to that." I nodded, because I would need some laughter in my life if I was going to make it.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004 - Edward
I waited outside until I heard her wake up. Visiting hours had started an hour before, but I didn't want to disturb her before she was ready. Angela had called me to let me know Bella had said yes to my visit, so I skipped school to see her. I knew it was foolish, but I had been obsessing over this girl for three weeks, and had spoken to her only once and I desperately wanted to know more about her. Carlisle was waiting for me outside her room and gave me a look of mild disappointment when he saw me.
"It's too dangerous." He said low enough so that no one else could hear. "She still has stitched wounds that are seeping from surgery. Putting you in that room alone with her is a mistake."
"I won't hurt her, I can't." I said feeling a touch of desperation. How could I explain that her scent was no longer what controlled me. That I had been in the same room with her for hours, just watching her breathe.
"Ten minutes, no longer." He said setting a cautionary limit. But how could I begin to grasp her mind in ten minutes?
"I cannot promise that long, how about I leave as soon as she asks me to." I said hoping he would accept my compromise.
"Fine. But I will be listening." His warning echoed in his thoughts, but it wasn't a point I had any interest in arguing. I would likely do whatever Bella asked me to do, and I honestly couldn't understand why. It was the primary reason I had come to her room, so that I could begin to figure out my own motivations.
"There will be no need, but I respect your desire to protect her." I said hoping that would be enough to placate him. He nodded once, and I went into her room, knocking on the door stop to get her attention. She glanced over and for a second I could see excitement in her eyes, which disappeared almost immediately. Her expression was dark and she was clearly suffering from the reality of her new life.
"Hello again." I said, accompanying the knock.
"Edward, come in." Despite the darkness she was fighting inside, she was looking well. Her color had improved, well as much as it could given her normal alabaster skin tone. I was certain that being around people that cared about her had been good for her, and I made a mental note to encourage my siblings to visit often. We were already breaking the rules, might as well embrace it.
"This is for you." I set her present down on the tray table attached to her bed. Then walked over the window and drew open the drapes, and stood there for a moment.
"You didn't have to do that." She said, although I could hear her picking up the gift.
"It is the least I can do. But if it helps, it is only a trinket." She nodded and I heard her open the box, lifting out the simple silver necklace with a sapphire. Esme's painting of her depicted her in a blue dress that brought out her best features. She stared at it and her mouth opened a little. "Do you like it?"
"It's beautiful. Is that a real sapphire?" Her voice was hard to read, so I had to glance back to see her expression. She was staring through the stone trying to see if it were real. I was half tempted to lie, but I couldn't. I knew my concept of money was skewed, but this wasn't extravagant. Not like the ring I would get her if I proposed… Why had I thought of that? I hardly knew her, how could I be thinking about marriage. I shook it off and turned to face her fully.
"Yes. I thought you might look good in blue." I said off hand, already knowing how good she looked in the color.
"Thank you." She clearly didn't like compliments, but took it in stride.
"You're welcome. May I sit?" I asked, motioning towards the chair near her bed.
"What day is it?" She asked, furrowing her brow.
"Tuesday. Yes I'm skipping school to be here." I said with a small chuckle. My attendance was already bordering on expulsion, and I couldn't bring myself to care.
"I'm honored, but I get the impression you don't really care about school anyway." She was laughing softly too, and gave me a quick shake of her head in mirthful incredulity.
"Not really. I've been thinking about our last conversation." I admitted, hoping it would draw her into a conversation.
"Oh right. The one where I stormed away because you were being pushy." She said with more than a little sarcasm and a bit of bitterness. I knew I was being intrusive that day, in retrospect I should've pushed harder. If I had, and learned more about her, then I might have acted instead of watching the accident that robbed her of her youth and vitality.
"I suppose that's fair. You intrigue me, I find you hard to read." If I could only tell her how true that was. Or maybe giving her a clue about my gift would be a way to fulfill Alice's desire to let her know the truth on her own.
"My mom says I'm an open book, but she rarely guesses what I'm really thinking." She smirked a little, and there was obviously more she wasn't saying. I had picked up bits from the rest of my family that gave me the impression that Bella and her mother had a complicated relationship. I thought about the consequences of bringing this mortal into our world. Perhaps it couldn't hurt to give her something, and maybe begin to patch up my relationship with Alice.
"People cannot understand what goes on inside those around them. Yet ironically most minds are similar, with simple primal thoughts and basic desires and wants. There are a few focused on needs, and very rarely there is someone deeply kind, like Angela and you." I said pointedly, hoping she could read between the lines.
"You talk like you can hear thoughts." Her guess was almost too accurate, and I wanted to confirm but I couldn't. Not yet, not with Carlisle listening. I could hear his thoughts in the hallway as he weighed in on whether this avenue was a wise choice. He wasn't going to fight the family, but he had some reservations.
"Wouldn't that be something." I gave her a smile, but I had done as Alice wanted. Planting the seeds of her figuring out the truth. I hoped it was enough, because I refused to do more.
"I thought Angela was just religious at first, but she's more than that. She's the best friend I never knew I needed." Her small confession was good to hear, I was glad that they had grown close. Although I hated the idea that Angela was on a path towards immortality as well.
"I've only spoken to her a handful of times, but she was always gracious and accepting towards my family." I couldn't exactly say that I spent hours in Angela's mind as an escape from the rest of the school students' inane internal chatter.
"She defended you the first day we met. Actually, how is she doing? At school I mean. She won't tell me if there's anything wrong." The question was unexpected and welcome, I was more than happy to give her news of her friend.
"She's still separated from her old clique, but that seems to be a good thing. She lunches with my family now. Of course you will be welcome to sit with us when you return to school." There was more, but I couldn't detail the litany of concerns running through Angela's mind. First and foremost was her questions regarding her faith. Bella's accident had shaken her to the core, and nothing was going to help her through it except for time.
"Good to know. From the popular table to the outcast table… no offense." She actually laughed a little at this, but I wasn't in on the joke. So I raised an eyebrow in curiosity. She shook her head. "It's not important."
"Okay, well no offense taken, we have outcast ourselves by choice." I knew it was a strange confession, but I wasn't about to lie. We were fully capable of being the most popular people in any school we attended. We had even gone to such lengths a few times, but that much adulation eventually caused issues that were difficult to extricate ourselves from. Without lasting ties we could leave without notice or obligation. In that regard we had already failed during this cycle.
"Why is that?" She of course asked the one thing that was the hardest to answer. Of course I had invited the question so I couldn't exactly be frustrated by it. I thought about my wording, and thought I'd found a nice explanation.
"We are a group of people not related by blood, but are still a family. Due to those unusual connections we've always been outsiders, so it is just easier to keep to ourselves." It was skirting the truth about my family, but I couldn't imagine she could guess how we were actually connected. At least not yet.
"So Edward Cullen, why are you here?" She pursed her lips and looked at me directly. She immediately began to search my eyes, which were black again. I instantly regretted not feeding before I came. My eyes were something she had noticed before.
"As I said, I wanted to get to know you. I understand if the feeling isn't mutual, and I have treated you poorly in the past. Can you believe I will never do that again?" I asked hoping if she could forgive me for acting like a fool, then she might forgive me for acting like a monster.
"Yes, I think I can. So what would you like to know?" She shrugged and motioned with her head that the ball was in my court.
"What's your favorite color?" I asked brightly, and she let out a big blast of laughter.
Saturday, October 23, 2004 - Alice
"Any minute." I said, feeling anxious. I already knew the night would go fine, but this was the first real test of our plan.
"Emmett, it'll look better if you helped her into her chair." Rose said from beside me, she looked almost as nervous as I felt. We were playing hosts again, for the first time since the crash. Dozens of timelines had already vanished as little decisions were made daily. Our visits to Bella and hanging out with Angela daily had been pushing them slowly towards us. I felt a little guilty about the fact we were nudging Bella towards the truth and her eventual choice, which I still couldn't quite see. But at least it was becoming clearer that things would settle in one direction by Bella's next birthday.
"Of course." Emmett stepped forward and led us outside, just as Angela's car turned off the main road onto our driveway.
"I can't believe we're back here." Bella said with a genuinely happy smile.
"Just give me the signal when you need to go home." Angela gave her a quick smile, then got out and moved to the trunk where Bella's wheelchair was stowed. Emmett quickly moved over, slightly faster than a human could walk.
"Here, please allow me." Angela nodded appreciatively, as Emmett pulled out the surprisingly compact automatic chair. Angela helped him set it up and then Emmett moved to the passenger side of the car and offered a hand to Bella who had gotten her door open and her legs out. He scooped her up in his arms without even a grunt of effort, and gently sat her down in her chair. Bella actually giggled as he lifted her up, it was the most joyful sound I'd ever heard.
"My god Emmett, how much can you lift?" Bella asked in wonder, her eyes wide.
"I honestly don't know. I don't lift." Emmett shrugged, he had been an experienced mountaineer when he was attacked by a bear and Rosalie came across him. So he was large when he was turned, but his strength afterwards was matched only by a newborn vampire.
"How is that possible?" Angela asked as she stepped up beside them.
"I was just born big, my mom liked to call me her little giant." Emmett's smile was always infectious, but even more so because it made Bella laugh. I hadn't thought I would see that smile again so soon, but I was ecstatic to see it.
Once we were inside we set up in the main living room. Where Edward was already waiting.
"Welcome." He said accompanied by a piano flourish. "Angela, would you accompany me?" He motioned towards an acoustic guitar set up next to his baby grand piano. She picked it up and examined it with a bit of awe on her face.
"Is this a Martin?" She looked at Edward who nodded with a big smile on his face.
"It's a D-45 if I'm not mistaken." Edward said casually as he motioned for her to sit on a stool next to the piano.
"Alright, so what are we playing?" Angela was a bit nervous but enthusiastic. Although I wasn't sure if it was because of the guitar or the opportunity to sing. I also caught a glimpse of a couple months from now at Christmas of Edward giving the guitar to Angela as a present. A ten thousand dollar guitar. I could only imagine how she would interpret a gift like that. Of course his plans for Bella were even more extravagant.
"You tell me." Edward said with a wide smile, as he tapped on the keys with a bit of playful impatience.
"Any requests?" She said looking around the room.
They played several songs, and we finally got to hear Angela's voice. It had a quality to it that could melt your soul. I kept glancing over at Bella who was having a great time, but every so often she would make a face and slowly adjust herself. There was still a half cast on her right arm, which hung at her side limply. After a few times I looked into the human future that was already beginning to atrophy and found that the pain she was experiencing was somehow worse than before. Instead of her late twenties, she committed suicide at twenty-two. I winced as I saw this, and the vision caused Edward to miss a key. He covered very well and neither Angela or Bella noticed, but Rose did and she flashed me a questioning glance. I shook my head slightly and mouthed 'later'. A few hours later and they were heading home, Rose quickly pulled me aside.
"What did you see?" She said with a note of panic.
"Is that good enough Edward? Do you finally see?" I shook my head and glared at Edward. He had made a few inroads towards rebuilding trust between us. But I was still angry at him, perhaps more than Rosalie in a way because I had to frequently see the consequences of his actions spread out in the future.
"Yes." He said, closing his eyes in pain.
"See what?" Rose insisted.
"Bella doesn't make it to her late twenties anymore. She takes her own life at twenty-two." I said in a whisper, I didn't want to alert Esme to the possibility. I didn't want her to worry unnecessarily.
"Damn it. How does that happen?" Rose said with a deep frown of clear frustration.
"I'm not sure, but I think her body isn't healing as well as we hoped it would. Maybe something will happen that causes her some kind of physical trauma that sets her back." I postulated, but the future wasn't budging.
"I settled on our trip up to Alaska. Do you think that might be it?" Rose's guess made sense, if she had just made the decision then that future would solidify. I just hadn't looked too deeply into that branching future yet. There were so many to check on a daily basis.
"Just the two of you?" Edward asked in curiosity. I knew he rarely looked into Rosalie's mind because she liked to pretend she was shallow and empty inside. I knew better, but I never let that cross my mind because I wanted Rose to have her privacy.
"That was the plan." Rose said drolly, her own anger towards Edward had clearly not abated as much as I thought it had.
"Let me see something." I thought about making the choice to invite Angela along and the four of us doing the road trip together. Suddenly Bella's human future was restored, and that darker fate was all but erased. "Easy, me and Angela will go along driving the Porsche down."
"Alright, that's settled." Rose nodded once and then went to her garage. I looked around for Edward but he had vanished again. I stood feeling a bit lost, trying to figure out what I wanted to do. A part of me wanted to follow Angel and Bella, but that would look strange. Then I felt a presence I hadn't expected.
"Alice?" I tensed, how had I not seen him coming back?
"Jasper?" I turned to find my husband standing in the middle of the driveway looking rough, his clothes were filthy and his eyes were a bright crimson red. That stopped me from running towards him. "Oh Jasper."
"I… I'm sorry I was away for so long. Look, Alice. The truth is I can't do it anymore. I kept at it because I thought it was what I wanted, that you were all I needed. I mean I do love you; I'll always love you. I just cannot live this lie anymore. I don't have the strength to fight against my nature anymore." He paused, and I started to interrupt but he held up a hand. "I'm going to join Peter and Charlotte for a time, and maybe in a few decades I can return. I don't expect you to wait for me."
"Jasper. I don't understand. I thought you didn't want to hurt anyone. That you were done with killing." I couldn't make this about me, I didn't want to manipulate him that way.
"In theory yes, in practice it's untenable. I suffer surrounded by humans every damn day. Is that misery worth it? I've struggled with that for decades now, and I've come to the realization that we can only fight our nature for so long. Or maybe it's just me. I know you and Carlisle and Esme have stayed true, but even Edward broke and succumbed to his instincts for years. We're predators, and they are our prey. Tell me that isn't true." Jasper had made his decision, and I couldn't think of an argument to talk him out of it. I wanted to use us as leverage, but if he had chosen to return to his old lifestyle, maybe he didn't care as much as I thought he did.
"It sounds like you came back to say goodbye. Is that now?" I said sharply, letting my anger deflect the fact that my world was crumbling around me.
"Yes. I've already made arrangements to untangle myself from your family. I left instructions with J. Jenks, you and Carlisle will be his contacts from now on. I'm sorry Alice, I wish you could come with me." Jasper closed the distance between us, and for a second I thought he was going to kiss me goodbye, instead he leaned down and kissed my forehead.
"Goodbye." He said before running East and quickly disappearing into the forest. I watched the shadows where he had disappeared for some time before finally turning back towards the house. There I found Esme, just waiting for me in the doorway. I ran to her and she pulled me into a tight hug.
"I'm so sorry sweetie. You could have gone with him." Esme offered, but I just shook my head. I thought about it as we stood there, until I realized how I felt deep down and shook my head.
"No, this is my life. Jasper was a good part of it, but he didn't define me. Our choices, our lifestyle does. I will never hurt a human again." It was the reason Jasper knew it was over, he knew me too well to ever consider that I would abandon this life and my family.
"I know sweetie. I was always afraid this would happen." She just kissed the side of my head and hugged me tighter.
"What am I going to do?" I asked not sure if she would have an answer. She just hugged me tighter.
"Live, and hope that love will find you again." Her words felt right, even as I began to sob unbidden into her shoulder.
Author's Notes:
So to clarify my stance on Renee, she is not an antagonist or even necessarily a bad person. I think that she does love her daughter, that is without question. We don't really know anything about her. She is basically in four scenes in the books, Bella's departure from Phoenix, when Bella is laid up at the end of Twilight, the visit to Jacksonville in Eclipse and the Wedding and they were all from Bella's point of view. I would argue that Bella is not the most reliable narrator in the novels.
What I mean is that Bella is clearly a caretaker child. Forced to grow up too quickly to accommodate a parent incapable of fully taking care of themselves. It is mostly subtext in the original books, I'm just making it text here. My interpretation of that is relatively simple, Renee is almost entirely self-centered. Her filter isn't great, and she's prone to theatrics when things get overwhelming for her. She won't take responsibility for her actions, and pushes everything on Bella. When she finds she can't do that anymore she falls apart because she has already burned Charlie in that regard.
Anyway, this was a challenge to write. This was supposed to be one chapter... it is now four. Might as well go through the seasons.
Next Chapter: Home for the Holidays - October 31, 2004 - January 1, 2005
Thank you for reading!