The promise of novelty had her reflecting over the events of weeks past. Short is the love and long is the forgetting. Burton had read her those words, Pablo Neruda. There'd been a time when she'd wished she could go back, save their time together in a bubble and live there. Her friends, her mother had tried to warn her. Looking back now, she can see it. She can see the permanent damage he did to her. He'd made her doubt herself even as a grown woman, he'd made her question what she'd long believed to be the love of her life. It'd been easier when she'd been able to tell herself he'd been the love of her life. She'd had it early in life and so, everything else, she'd managed to explain away.
Everything had always been on her terms with him, and somehow, she still hung on to his every word like a loaded gun. Giving her the last word conditioned her to want to do whatever she thought he would prefer. Now she sees it. Her mother loved her. She once empathized with a teenaged victim whose alcoholic mother tried to separate her from a slightly older boy. It'd ended with the daughter killing the mother. She'd felt for that girl. Every second of that case she'd had her own mother and Burton lulling in the back of her mind. Would she ever have been pushed to the brink of doing it? Even now, the thought of it sent shivers down her spine. Maybe through the rose-colored glasses, even then, she'd known deep in her soul, her mother's love was genuine. Circumstances, changing times, desperation, pain, and growth had pushed her. She'd tried her best, and now she knew he couldn't say that.
Seeing him in the courthouse steps, accused, was the moment she knew. Even before all the other women spoke up, even before she could see it on his face. She knew. She knew in that place where spirit meets bones. Like pulling the curtain to find the grand magician fleshed a charlatan. As the hours passed by, proof against him became tangible, undeniable, unforgivable. Rather than feel anger, she felt a sense of relief. It'd all been a mirage. He wasn't the love of her life, that wasn't as good as it would get, the best was not yet over. With relief came the need to speak up for herself, to finally have their relationship be on her terms. He wouldn't have his day in court for any of it.
Cathartic in its shattering, that single glass against the wall made her realize she'd sat there forever, frozen in time, inside a fantasy that was safe to retreat into. In the past she'd hidden her heart behind his glass, and now, she held it securely in her hands. All those nights she'd spend willing him to somehow walk back into her life, willing the fantasy to be real. As she looked into the flowing waters of the Hudson, wind in her hair, she remembered it all.
He'd known. Elliot had heard her describe her first love, and he'd known. He knew even then about her mosaic heart, it's depth and somehow, knew how to swim its waters from the very beginning. Not pushing too hard, but just enough to uncover a new layer. They'd fallen, like children running, fated to break each other's hearts. Loving him had been timeless. In a way, her soul had been in love with his even before their eyes had met. His Midas touch had helped soften the blows that came with the job. The streets of New York had once been their wonderland. It'd all felt new and exciting, they'd never stopped to wonder what would become of their curious minds.
They'd gone on, but there'd been strangers watching. Every time someone asked them if they were together, done it, or the forever haunting "you ever sleep with your partner detective?", she'd feel electric currents of guilt somehow mixed in with the desire of it being real. Maybe speaking it into existence somehow. Every day they spun a little further out of control. He'd calm her fears with the Cheshire cat smile. All fun and games until the moment she truly realized they were no longer through the looking glass, having fallen down the rabbit hole. He would have helped her keep Calvin. He would have been Calvin's father. If she'd let him, he'd have given her the child she'd so longed for. Even through the roughness of his voice and bravado, the choice had been hers all along. He'd been hers for the taking. He'd always been.
That's why he'd had to leave. She reached for him, but he was gone. And in the end, in his eyes, years later, she'd confirmed that in wonderland they'd both become lost forevermore. He could tell her any of his truths, but never goodbye. So many lines, she'd crossed unforgiven, her luck only drawing her down empty streets and dark alleys. They could have searched the world for something like what they had, but in the end, they could only ever fall back into each other. They'd marked one another, through blood and tears, they'd found their way back. She'd cursed him for the longest time, he'd have to remind himself daily why he had to forget her. And here they were, she was looking at the lights coming in through the window as they fell on his naked back. His breath even, she knew he'd wake easily if she stirred. The love of her life, the only man she'd ever been able to truly trust. Together, they were all they needed to brave the seasons.