Chapter Twelve: Rest In Peace, Isabella Swan - Bella

"It's creeping in, it's gonna get me by the end of the night - I'm sinking deeper, still I'm reaching for the end of the light - Burning in the lava - You can't go and pray this type of pain away - Don't bother me, my misery - It's holding me - Won't let me speak" - Demons - Hayley Kiyoko

Monday, September 12, 2005 - Wednesday, September 14, 2005

The anesthesiologist made me count down from one hundred, and this time it felt like a countdown to death. I knew something was about to change, and I had no real idea what was about to happen. In theory, I was about to become a vampire. Yet that possibility felt strange and alien and more than a little bizarre. Yet I found myself obsessed with the possibilities of this new life as I felt my eyelids growing heavier.

"Everything will be fine Bella." Carlisle said from behind a surgical mask, his friendly eyes giving me comfort as I fell into unconsciousness. I quickly slipped into what I called the void, a state where I was not quite perfectly asleep, but nowhere near conscious. I had a sliver of awareness that kept my mind going. Turning things over over again and again as whatever was going to happen to me happened. I had experienced this void all too often over the last year, and I was overjoyed that this was going to be the last time I would ever experience the unsettling sensation.

This change held the promise and the peril of hope for the future, and for the first time I felt as though I actually had a future. Unfortunately, that future also held a bunch of dark unknown secrets. My part in the surgery should've felt the same, I mean Carlisle had to do all the hard work. Yet, this time I felt like I was plunging headfirst into an endless abyss.

In a lot of ways I had grown close to pain. A constant reminder of both my mortality and frailty. I could barely remember what it felt like to walk, run, or even breathe without effort. After a year of thinking I understood the sensation, perhaps even grown used to it, I was deluded into believing I had a full grasp on what it could mean. I was proved utterly wrong, as I discovered the abyss wasn't endless, when I landed in a lake of fire.

This new pain was the kind of agony I imagined being burnt at the stake would feel like, or falling into a lake of lava. Except it wasn't fleeting, as the flames rocked up and down my torso with wave after endless wave. I was already outside of time, and after a while the very concept of time lost all meaning, as the world I had once known faded away. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was faintly aware of people nearby, but they didn't matter, because in my new reality there was nothing but the flames.

I reasoned that there must've been something moving through my veins like a thousand snakes covered in razor blades, slicing everything they touched. Inching forward with every beat of my heart. A heart which I thought I knew, but realized I had never truly felt it beat before. Except my heart wasn't beating in the familiar rhythm, it was as if each beat was distended for hours.

I tried to remember my life before, but this experience was more visceral and intense than anything I had ever experienced. I had been used to pain, right? The crash. Alice, Emmett, Angela… my friends. Edward and Rosalie… my something else. My life in that chair. Charlie… oh god Dad. What had I done to him? The glimmer of memory I had regained felt amazing, yet in the same instant those fleeting threads to my past were yanked away by the superheated acid coursing through my body. A part of me knew I should have been screaming and writhing, twisting from the agony. Yet for some reason I was motionless, unable to even move my arms. This new kind of paralysis terrified me more than the fires, what if it were permanent?

Then I felt something change, and I could tell I was being moved around. At one point I felt cool air gently blowing against my chest for a long time, and a light weight on my stomach. The cool air was such a relief that it never occurred to me that I was naked. Was I exposed to the world? The distraction of such a thought helped to keep the pain at bay for a few seconds. Until I felt something grab a hold of my hand.

"I hope you can hear me. If you can, I promise I'll be there for you, even if that means I can't be in the same room with you. Give me a call when you can. I Love you Isabella, you will always be my best friend." It was Angela, I felt almost euphoric to hear a familiar voice.

I wanted to reach out to her and let her know I felt the same. But my frustrating new paralysis kept me from comforting her. She moved away from me then, and again my world was consumed by the pyre. Then something else changed, while the fires had been eating away at me little by little, I still had no sensation in my legs. Then suddenly there was a feeling below my waist, as if whatever was damaged in the crash was miraculously reconnected. I would've been ecstatic, it was the first sensation I had felt in my lower limbs in a very long time, but the euphoria faded as the pain doubled. It left me so distracted that I almost didn't hear Edward.

"Carlisle did this for me, because Bella…" He paused for a frustratingly long time, which was only accentuated by the realization that my ability to concentrate on the outside world was getting stronger. "…I love you." My body reacted to the emotion of it. It felt like my heart was swelling with excitement, well metaphorically speaking, because it was still beating so slowly that I wasn't even sure I was alive. Yet as much as I wanted to reach out to him and hug and kiss him and then tell him I felt the same, there was a part of me that wasn't entirely sure.

"I have to go; I can't be found here right now. We'll come to get you as soon as we can, and then we'll be together, I hope." He kissed me gently on the forehead, and then pulled what must have been a sheet over my face. I heard his footsteps moving away, after lingering for a long while at the door, and then I was alone, in the cold. The next several hours were excruciating, and confusing. Even though I knew I was supposed to be dead, it was still surreal to hear the doctors treat me like a corpse. One even grumbled over my chart.

"Damn Cullen, why doesn't he want an autopsy? He might be able to perfect that treatment, think about the good that it would do." The other doctor seemed to agree, but they thankfully obeyed the order and put me in a storage locker. Then I waited for a long time, until finally the mortician came. He wrapped me in what I imagine was a body bag, which was more than a little unsettling. I was hefted onto a gurney and rolled down a long corridor with bumps in the floor until finally we were outside, and he put me into the back of a refrigerated vehicle with an unceremonious grunt.

The doors slamming shut felt like a strange omen, as if he were shutting the door on my life. Shrouded and alone, I was strapped onto a cold metal table and could feel every bump the van went over. At the same time the flames were crashing in tidal waves up and down my flesh and muscle, distending time even more and making it bloat like a corpse washed up after a week at sea. The ride felt eternal, every second stretched into an hour, and every minute seemed like a day.

We stopped abruptly and I was hoisted out of the van like a bag of meat. I thought he would transfer me to a bed, but he didn't seem to care, tossing me roughly onto another gurney, this one without any padding, and pushed me into another cold space that felt small and confined, and then left me for a long time. I hated feeling out of control, but what was more frightening was being left utterly alone and totally exposed. Eventually they pulled me out of the cold and rolled me out into the middle of a room. The wheels below me made hard sounds like they were being dragged across concrete.

"Well now. What do we have here?" The sound of papers being shuffled were followed by a soft tisk of disappointment. "Isabella. Only seventeen, so young." The mortician's voice was somewhat creepy, and surprisingly close. Next thing I knew he was above me and pushed my hair from my face. I knew I naked, and yet I didn't feel any embarrassment. He took his time, washing me with a sponge and dressing me like a doll, then he methodically painted hard makeup on my face. Finally, he transferred me onto a soft bed, which took me a moment to realize was a coffin. As the lid was closed, I felt forgotten, like a toy cast aside by a careless child and I was returned to the cold place.

It seemed like hours, and it probably was, yet the flames were somehow still growing in intensity. After a while in this purgatory, I started to feel my anger spiking, convinced that nothing could be worth this level of horror and pain. When I was finally pulled from the cold storage locker. Someone opened it up after a few minutes and stuffed something extremely cold underneath my chest and legs, shoved underneath the padding. Then I felt the coffin transferred to something with wheels and I was moved once again. Shortly after that I felt upward movement, like I was on an elevator, which stopped just as suddenly as it started. A few minutes later I heard two voices that I couldn't quite make out, until one of them opened the lid of my coffin. I wanted to lunge at them and escape from this hell, but I wasn't sure I could move or and giving into that temptation would be betraying everything I had already suffered through.

The two men that were speaking went away without another word, and once again I was left alone. I wanted to at least open my eyes and look at my surroundings. But the pain forced me to keep them closed. More than that, I feared that if I could open them, I would no longer be able to keep up the act and the sight of the world might unleash my screams. Then I heard people crowd into the space, and from the echoes I realized it was a very large room.

I wanted to curse and scream at my mother who must've planned it. I was on display like a prop for people to mourn my death. A fucking viewing. The crowd seemed to file in forever, and I lost track of how many voices I heard. Voices that were frustrating in their familiarity. I was losing patience and resolve, and still the fire was relentless. I tried to drown out what was happening, until someone nearby cleared their throat. Mr. Webber's voice was distinct, and his tone was somber. I was mortified, I didn't know if I could endure listening to him talk about me.

"We are gathered here to remember Isabella Marie Swan. Due to the family's wishes this viewing will be brief." I almost sighed with relief, but his pause was short enough that the urge was easy to ignore. "Bella, as she preferred to be called, was a caring and selfless soul. Her sharp intelligence and wit were contrasted by her generous nature. She seldom asked for anything and was fiercely independent despite suffering a devastating accident that left her disabled. From that disability she inspired those around her with her capacity to keep positive in the face of adversity, and the displays of strength she demonstrated after several painful operations." He paused then to clear his throat again, obviously upset.

"On a personal note, she was also a great friend to my eldest child Angela. The two of them have been so close that they regarded each other as sisters. In that way I considered Bella an extended member of my own family, and she will be deeply missed. The last two days have been difficult for everyone including myself, yet her loss has been most acutely felt by her parents. Charlie Swan wanted to say a few words today but has chosen to reserve those sentiments for the funeral later this afternoon. The graveside service will be a private family affair, so those who wish to pay final respects should do so now. Thank you all for coming, your presence is a great comfort to those closest to her." I felt like screaming again in frustration. I knew that I wouldn't be at my own funeral and I wanted to hear my father's last words to me. It was the most difficult moment so far in this impossible and crazy experience.

I heard several people get up out of their chairs. After a few moments the first of several people stood by my coffin and said goodbye. I recognized the several unexpected voices, Mike Newton, Lauren Mallory and Ben Chaney all apologized about being childish and ignorant about my disability, then each said goodbye in their own way. Then Tyler came up next and leaned in close.

"I'm sorry, for everything. I'm sorry you're dead, but maybe that's better. I hope you're in heaven right now, dancing." He left then, and another took his place.

"Bells, there wasn't enough time. I don't know what to do, my little girl. I... I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say it enough." Charlie's voice was broken, and it took every ounce of willpower not to reach up and pull him into a hug. Then he was gone, and there was Renee.

"Bella, I know you're up there but I hope you can hear me. I'm going to be okay, you don't have to worry about me. Goodbye my love. Goodbye..." Her voice trailed off and I could hear her start to sob, a few seconds later she collapsed by the side of my coffin. I could tell my resolve was fading quickly, and desperately wanted to move or run or anything but stay still and accept such emotional torture. A couple of others carried her away, but even as she was taken out of the room I could hear her wails of pain and loss for me. I began to second guess everything, nothing could be worth putting my parents through this kind of hell.

Then Angela came up and leaned in close to my face. In a voice that was barely even a whisper she said, "The Cullens aren't here, but Rosalie told me earlier that they would be close by and watching just in case. I'll look after Charlie, I promise. I don't fully understand, but they said you'll be awake by tomorrow, hopefully we'll talk then. Love you Bella." To cover herself, she kissed my cheek and quickly moved away.

Then several parents and teachers came up and said brief goodbyes to me. I wanted to cry; I had no idea so many people cared. Finally, after everyone else had visited me I heard the all too familiar sound of a wheelchair being pushed down the aisle. After a few grunts Billy Black leaned in and whispered softly to me, "I'm sorry this happened to you Bella. The pack believes the Cullens have broken the treaty, if they did there is nothing I can do to stop them. They'll be waiting for you to awaken, there is no way they will let you hunt so close to our home." His words frightened and confused me and I felt my left-hand twitch involuntarily. "So, you can hear me. Bella this isn't personal, if you could be trusted I could make them understand you are a friend to our people, and I might get them to consider leaving you alive. But you will be far too dangerous. For what it's worth, I'm sorry this happened to you." Then he called Jacob over who helped him into his chair. Jacob leaned over and muttered goodbye quietly, and then they were gone.

The Clearwater's all came up and said goodbye. Harry was first; "I wish I could see you run again. I'll be there for Charlie if I can, don't worry about that. Remember, you're a good kid, no matter what you're feeling." The context was clear, he knew just like Billy Black that I was alive and changing. What were the Quileutes? Billy mentioned a pack, could that mean werewolves? Had I been pushed into the center of a conflict between werewolves and vampires? I couldn't dwell too much on it as Sue and Seth both came up and said a few things that were touching and sad.

Then it was Leah's turn. "You shouldn't be in there. No one our age deserves to be in there. I feel miserable that I wasn't nicer to you, that I didn't try to be your friend. I hope you found peace wherever you are."

Finally, they all left one by one until, yet again, I was alone. I thought in circles about the threat leveled against me by a family friend when I was not distracted by the fires. Eventually the mortician initiated the elevator back downstairs and closed my coffin. After a few minutes I heard it open again and a pair of very gentle hands lifted me out effortlessly. I heard the coffin closing and then we were moving.

I couldn't get a sense of speed, but it felt fast and I was barely jostled. Finally, I was inside a building again and the hands laid me down gently on a bed. The bed was obviously a medical bed; I recognized the way the mattress pushed into my back in all the wrong places. After several minutes a cold hand intertwined through my fingers and someone brushed a strand of hair out of my face.

"You are safe now Bella. You don't have to worry about any more unpleasantness, and definitely no more coffins, I promise my love." It was Edward, and I felt a release of tension as well as something deep inside. "It looks like we got you here just in time. Alice, can you see when she'll wake up?" After a few seconds he said, "That's wonderful." Then he kissed my cheek and whispered to me. "It won't be too much longer now, and you should start feeling different soon."

As if on cue I felt something new. The fire had been a constant for a while, but suddenly it began to grow even more intense. This coincided with several things all at once. The sounds around me grew exponentially sharper, and the distance I could hear also jumped significantly. I could separate out all the occupants of the house as they moved around, and their infrequent voices were so clear that it was like they were standing next to me. The scents of the room also jumped out at me; a touch of subtle floral perfume, the deep musk of old books, and another sweet smell that I couldn't place. And my mind was opened in a way that let me experience everything all at once.

Then my heart started to thunder and quickly pick up speed. It shifted from slow to normal to fast until the beat transformed into a jungle rhythm of white-hot music hammered on metal drums. As my heart played its crazy music, the fire started to retreat from my fingers and toes. They felt cool and strong and I wiggled my toes gleefully, and gripped Edward's hand tightly and noted that his skin felt different. I was surprised how soft and warm his hand felt in mine, and I wondered if it was perception or something else that brought about this change.

Little by little my heart continued to speed up, drawing the fire into it. This amassed in an ever-growing mountain of pain until finally it was beating so quickly that it no longer felt like separate beats. The nearly deafening single note of my heart sounded like the drone of a hospital heart monitor blaring out a flat line. Next, I felt new instincts asserting themselves as the rest of the family gathered into the room. I felt their presence as a danger, and suddenly they were not the caring people I loved, but potential threats.

It was as if the fates had a part to play in the irony of my life, I felt a swell of anticipation knowing that this was a moment of great importance. That was until the last anticlimactic moment of life, when my heart sputtered and stopped. I gasped in shock and threw open my eyes as the pain stopped abruptly. I lifted my head and looked around the room. Through my new eyes the world was bright and sharp. All the details of the space were almost painful in their clarity. I gasped again, unsure of what was happening to me. The threats I had just discovered vanished as I took in the Cullen's, one by one they smiled at me and my connection to them reasserted itself. But it was too much too soon, so I flung myself off the table tearing my hand out of Edward's grasp.

I landed easily, and the shock made me pause in place. As I stood there, I felt my breath catch and slowly looked down. My legs were holding me without effort, they looked even better than they did before the accident. The skin was smooth and pale, even more so than my usual alabaster skin tone. I drew my eyes up to my hands and forearms, and found that my right arm no longer had scars from the surgeries. I looked down and pulled the front of my dress out, the numerous scars crisscrossing my chest were gone as well. My body wasn't ravaged and broken at all, I felt… amazing. I took a deep breath and felt no pain or pressure and I closed my eyes in relief.

I wasn't just restored, I was renewed. I started to laugh and hugged myself in a state of pure joy.

"Bella." Rosalie's voice was different than I remembered. There was a quality to it that felt warm, and it pulled me out of my euphoria. I found her eyes and for a split second it was just the two of us. Then I remembered myself and looked around for Edward.

That's when my eyes found his, the usual topaz of his eyes were coal black, and while he was still unbelievably gorgeous, he looked drawn and tired. He was staring at me with passion and more than a little fear. I knew how he felt about me, and in my heart I felt something like love for him. But we had been so flat and passionless that I wasn't sure it was what I wanted. I also felt a strange desire to play with his emotions a little, payback for putting me through days of torture.

"Days of pain, loneliness and fear. Then you tell me you love me when I'm utterly incapable of responding. What do you have to say for yourself?" The words coming out were not playful, and I realized I was holding onto more than a little anger about what I had just been through.

"Edward wasn't a part of this decision." Carlisle said, trying to defend his son.

"I'll get to you in a minute. I need him to say something first." I felt intense, confident and strong. My body felt powerful, and I was no longer afraid of my future or the world. I felt like I was finally in my proper body, it was a bizarre feeling that I knew I had to explore further. But first, I leveled a glare at Edward and waited for him to respond. Edward looked crestfallen, his face a mask of fear and worry. He took a step back, and I wondered if he would run from me instead of explaining himself.

"Carlisle's reasons are his own, but I know some of that reason was because of the way I feel about you. There's no excuse for leaving you like that, cold and alone. I hope it helps that we never truly left you. We watched every moment, waiting to see if you struggled. You never made a sound. You're the strongest person I've ever met." He looked down, having trouble meeting my eyes. I felt my heart go out to him, and I could see he was hurting. I pushed my anger aside, and let myself feel. I let myself love him, and that feeling quickly blossomed into something more. We would eventually have to resolve the how's and whys, and I would need to figure out my own anger. But I couldn't make him suffer any longer.

"Say the words." I commanded, the tone of my demand almost alien on my lips. I wasn't even sure who I was anymore.

"I love you Isabella Marie Swan." Edward said locking eye contact with me, any fear vanishing from his expression. I paused for a full ten seconds, examining his face and making him wait for my response.

"I love you too." I threw myself over the bed standing between us, and pulled him into our first kiss releasing all my pent up passion and longing all at once.

Author's Note:

This chapter wasn't difficult to edit, but did require a line edit where almost everything was touched up. Bella is different from my original version, she's somehow stronger. Her relationship with Edward isn't going to be easy.

Next Chapter: The Hunting Question - Edward

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