Chapter Twenty: Mirror, Mirror - Rosalie
"I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale. But here you are in the ninth, two men out and three men on. Nowhere to look but inside, where we all respond to pressure."
- Billy Joel (Pressure)
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Contrary to popular opinion, I hated my reflection. I suppose the family always thought of me as vain, looking at my mirror image day after day. It wasn't my face or my hair or even my smile that I was searching, no it was my eyes, the windows to my soul. If I even still had one. The mirror was ornate, with a Regency era gilded carved wooden frame that was passed down to my mother when she came of age by my nana Greta. I had it restored in the late 1970's but it was starting to patina and fade again and the silver had come away from the back in a couple of spots. Yet the glass remained intact, after nearly a century and a half.
The room I shared with Emmett was spacious with a nice couch and a giant overpriced television hanging on one wall, both of which were his choices. I had a handful of pieces that suited my personal aesthetic. The mirror sat atop my mother's antique vanity, although they were not a matching set they looked good together, a testament to my mother's taste. She found that vanity during an antique hunt in southeast Pennsylvania, the original dresser having been discarded during a move from Georgia back in the late 1800's.
It was one of a handful of pieces that had come with my family estate, along with a lovely little property just off of Lake Ontario outside of Rochester, New York. I could clearly remember running through the small wooded area behind the house. Although most of those trees were long gone after I'd given permission to Carlisle and Alice to build on the lot. They promised me the old house still existed as it was, maintained as if a family still lived there. A museum to my human life.
The acreage was enough to build a house for the family adjacent to my old house, along with a garage that would suit my needs. I'd had countless offers to sell, but I refused. I was clinging to my human life in a desperate attempt to maintain my history, my sense of self, and perhaps a tie to that elusive humanity I had been searching for since I murdered Royce and his friends. My little killing spree.
Carlisle had been gracious enough to acquire all of our estates, and I would imagine when Bella and Angela's families finally sold their houses in the future he would purchase theirs as well. Esme might've found it rude to think of Angela's turn into one of us as inevitable but I couldn't imagine a scenario where she wouldn't end up like us. There were too many things working against her staying human, not the least of which was Mason showing up in our lives.
Mason, I was fearful of his presence but not because he seemed to pose a threat. His relationship with the Volturi still being a question mark, none of it truly mattered because he rescued Angela. Sure it could've been a move to ingratiate himself with us, but the impulse to do such a thing would not come naturally to one of our kind, or at least none who killed and drank human blood. That commitment to preserving human life was enough for me to trust him to a degree. Yet his history and motivations were unknown and potentially suspicious.
So I sat considering what he had told me, of my impossible power. A part of me desperately wanted to believe it was real. A gift that could make my every desire only a whisper away. Except what I wanted I could never have. To grow old with the person I loved.
I had frequently pictured what my life would've been like had I found Emmett instead of Royce. He would never have hit me, he would never have raped me. He wouldn't have let his friends brutalize me and leave me for dead in that alleyway. He would have loved me and respected me and gave me the children I longed for. I was lucky to have found him at all, going deep into a hunt that day chasing a somewhat elusive mountain lion. I never did get my prey, but I did find a husband.
He was the only man I had ever been with willingly. I had loved him for decades, my lover, my mate. Yet I knew that deep down things were not perfect. We gave off that impression, we never really fought and he loved me unconditionally. Yet, I hadn't found him attractive in quite a long time. I loved him dearly, but I wasn't sure I was in love with him. It was a hard truth I had grown to live with, and something I would never admit.
Then there was Isabella. That kiss had been occupying my thoughts for over a month. I knew it was just passion, and it was likely to never last. But it made me feel young, and I wanted to know if she still wanted me, and if she liked me for more than my beauty. Did she see something in me that was deeper than my outward behavior would suggest? I knew I came across as prickly and vain, but I loved my family intensely and was very grateful to endure this existence with them instead of being alone or worse a monster like Royce.
I picked up my brush and started to run it through my hair, not that it needed styling. Alice came in once a week and did something fancy with my mane of golden locks and it stayed in place for a long time. I wouldn't have bothered most days, throwing it into a simple ponytail. The makeup felt excessive too, I knew I was beautiful but I didn't have to be so unbelievably gorgeous that it made others jealous. I had been pretty before turning, although my nose was a bit crooked back then. As a teenager I had always wanted it to be straight, until the day I woke up to this life as a vampire, and it was miraculously perfect.
I missed my silly crooked nose. I missed my heartbeat and being able to shut away the world for eight hours a night. I missed yawning, eating and a hundred other little things. Yet I had to admit I did look upon my human years through rose-tinted glasses. For every thing I missed, there was another that I didn't. Monthly cramps for one, constant bathing, and eating foods that were healthy instead of tasty. Bodily functions that I hadn't thought about in decades, and being around men who found it funny to fart or belch. I had spent the last several decades next to teenagers who were one loud burp away from pushing me over the edge.
So I sat in front of my mirror, absently brushing my hair, waiting for someone to come to me. It was a silly act, selfish in a way. I was the one that had caused the drama, but I wanted to talk to someone, anyone. Esme, Alice, Carlisle, Angela or even Edward would be fine, as long as it wasn't Emmett or Bella.
"Rose?" Emmett's voice was expected, but hearing him made me want to throw my brush into the mirror that was older than me.
"Go away Em. I don't want to talk right now." I set down the brush, pushing away the instinct to destroy my history in one moment of frustration.
"What's wrong, you've been acting strange for over a month now. Is it Bella or Angela?" It was a perceptive guess, but it made one thing clear to me; It was finally time to tell him about my indiscretion with Bella. I couldn't lie any longer, even though the family was close enough to hear every word.
"No… and yes." I said somewhat vaguely, trying to order my thoughts.
"That doesn't make sense." He shook his head in confusion, his brow creased and for a second I hesitated. This could end my marriage, not just from my infidelity and betrayal, but because of who I had almost had the affair with, a woman.
"I love them both and have no problem with either of them joining our family. It's just hard, because…" I started, and then paused wishing my heart could beat, so I could feel it squeezing my chest. I wished I needed to breathe so that my breath was short, catching from the emotion of it all. Extreme emotion forced us into familiar human mannerisms, but in truth they were affectations. I felt numb, and I couldn't quite put my finger on why.
"Was there some kind of fight?" He was still concerned, his honest love made my dead heart hurt.
"No." I closed my eyes and braced myself, I knew he wouldn't yell. I knew he would accept this with grace and love, and I hated myself for causing him pain. But this wasn't something singular, there was something underlying the impulse that had been dug up when I had given in to her kiss. "I, god this is so hard."
"Just say it, whatever it is I won't be mad." He gave me a supportive smile and started to reach out towards me, I moved away and stood to face him.
"I know. But I say this and there's no going back." He nodded, still clearly concerned. "I kissed Bella." While she had instigated the embrace, I had given into it almost completely.
Emmett looked down, and the worried expression vanished. His features hardened, and the concern washed away from his eyes. "What does that mean?" The question was almost too much to answer, but his flat voice was worse.
"I don't know, I've been struggling with it since the trip." I said as honestly as I could manage.
"This happened back in July and you are just telling me now?" I nodded feeling ashamed of hiding it, the lie was always worse. But I concealed it for a reason, I concealed it because I knew what it meant. I just wasn't ready to give up my Emmett, not when it would leave me alone. Except that was the rub, it was a selfish desire to keep up a lie for the sake of comfort and convenience. He was all I'd ever known, and I had trouble wrapping my head around who I was without him.
"I didn't know how." I confessed.
"Are you a lesbian?" That was the question I had been avoiding. This time my breath did catch, and I felt the hollow sensation of pain and extreme sadness stinging the corners of my eyes despite the fact that no tears would ever fall.
"Maybe, I don't know. I never had a chance to actually explore that side of myself. I was eighteen and beaten to within an inch of my life, then I was turned and within a year I found you. You were everything I ever wanted that I never even thought to look anywhere else." I couldn't meet his eyes, we had been together for so long that by mortal standards we were soul mates. A stable, perfect marriage for decades.
"It's been seventy-two years Rose, I think it's more than time for you to find out." I wanted to yell at him, to make him mad. Instead I just nodded.
"You're not angry?" I asked in an empty voice, I wanted him to end my world and all he was doing was supporting me, even now, when I was hurting him.
"I'm furious, but not at you or Bella. I want you to be happy, Rose, that's all. If you're not happy with me, then I'll support you in whatever you want." I felt my body almost twitch from the pain of hearing him be so accepting, he was too good. Why couldn't I love him the way he loved me?
"I don't deserve you." I met his eyes and for a second he flashed a smile.
"Probably." He half chuckled, and that was it. We looked at each other for a few seconds, and I knew our marriage was over. I felt like dying, yet I couldn't stay so I started to leave and he held up a hand to stop me. "To be clear, I am not okay. I'm gonna need time no matter what you decide."
"I know. For what it's worth, I do love you." I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to say, but I had to say it. I wasn't leaving him because I hated him, I was leaving him because he wasn't right for me. That's when the reality of what was happening actually hit me… I was leaving him. It was happening.
"God Rose, I love you too and I wish that was enough. Please go, I can't look at you right now." He sounded more than hurt, and I wanted to be the one to comfort him.
I almost reached out but stopped the impulse, because I was no longer his person. I made my way downstairs and the family was all waiting, watching me as I entered the dining room. Edward had a strange expression on his face, but did not look angry. Bella was looking down, and I could see she was afraid of looking up at me. Esme came over and pulled me into a hug, and the simple acceptance made my heart weep.
"What's going on?" Angela said with a look of confusion.
"Emmett and I are, I don't have a proper word, I guess we've separated for now. Bella, can we talk?" I didn't sound as sad as I felt, but my voice did sound hollow and flat.
"Right, of course." She got up and Carlisle held up his hand.
"Can this wait, we have a family meeting." He was the only one that looked a little upset, but I couldn't begin to unwrap that yet, I would talk to him later after everything else was settled.
"Hun, let them go." Esme gave Carlisle a pleading look and he nodded once. Bella sighed and took off through the main back entrance and I followed her. She ran until we were sure no one could hear us and stopped in a clearing full of damaged trees, and one that was recently felled.
"This is who you are messing up your marriage for, I'm not worth it Rose." She pointed at the trees and I realized this was the place she had come to after finding out about Edward's choice.
"You killed some trees, I killed five men." I said a bit more coldly than I intended.
"Your story, I've heard it's legendary." She must've been talking to Alice who looked upon my story of vengeance as though it were a Hollywood drama.
"Hardly. I had fooled myself into believing I was in love with a man who only thought of me as a trophy. Then when it suited him he used me as a plaything and passed me around to his friends. They brutalized me, leaving me at the point of death. Carlisle thought he was helping, and turned me. Leaving me like this. I have hated this existence, but it did afford me the opportunity for revenge." I said plainly not really able to impart the emotions anymore.
"I had no idea." She reacted as most do after hearing my tale, except she looked nearly as angry as Emmett was when I told him the first time. It was all the confirmation I would ever need to understand her feelings for me. Whether that translated into romantic love was the question of the hour.
"It isn't something the family talks about, in fact they basically pretend it never happened, but it did. The thing is I was only eighteen years old, barely more than a child. No offense." I winced slightly, I didn't want to start off so poorly.
"None taken, I know how young I am. That's why I'm worried about Angela." Bella's response was just as I expected it to be. Aware of herself and concerned about our vulnerable sister.
"See, that's why this is so hard. You are not a child, no matter how easy it would be to dismiss you and my feelings. The truth is I never even had a chance to explore who I am or what I want. I've always looked at other women and never at other men, but I never thought about what that meant. I have only ever thought of Emmett, always knew he was enough for me and I believed that's why my eyes never strayed. Even after decades, I have only ever been with him. So why can I not stop thinking about our kiss? You are basically my sister, I shouldn't have romantic feelings for you." I didn't feel it was strange or wrong, because at this moment we hadn't become family quite yet. Our relationship could go either way, but this was the turning point.
"Rose, you once said you would be interested in me, in another life. What did that mean, what do you want?" Her question was valid, and it was the thing I wanted to hear. She was open to something starting between us.
"I… I don't know." I shook my head, I didn't want to say it out loud.
"Do you want me?" Her directness was almost painful, but it did force me to come up with an answer.
"I say yes and I'm betraying my husband and the vow I made to him." I wasn't sure of anything, it was all too new and the realization of what I had done to Emmett was far too fresh. Yet I had to do something, and I had to figure myself out.
"A vow you made, what a hundred years ago?" Her response made me angry for a split second, dismissing my marriage so easily. Yet I had just left my husband, and it made me very conflicted. I held in the impulse to lash out with hostility, and instead just relied on fact.
"I just turned ninety, and we've only been married for seventy-two years." The numbers were normal for me, but her eyes widened immediately.
"Only. Seventy-two years, that might be the longest marriage I've ever heard of. God, you're ninety. I made out with a woman who is old enough to be my great-grandmother." She said with a strange half smile on her face, shaking her head slightly in disbelief.
"Thanks for that. Carlisle and Esme beat me by a decade, they tied the knot in 1923'." I wasn't really upset about the age thing, but being called a great-grandmother hurt in a completely different way. Not that she would know, so I pushed that down too.
"Sorry. I'm still adjusting to the fact that I'm never going to age." I nodded, remembering what it felt like to have that realization. To know I would never look in a mirror and see my face as anything other than what it was the instant I finished transitioning into a vampire.
"You're the only person I know who has gone through anything close to this. What should I do?" I hadn't really interacted with anyone else who identified as homosexual… Was that the right word? I knew so little about what it meant, it was part of the reason I never realized it about myself.
"Well, I'm still figuring that out too, but we could try and see if we work. Although I don't know how well that will go over with the family." She tilted her head and examined me, waiting for my answer.
"Neither do I." I said at a loss, I didn't have any real answers.
"Alright, I think I need to forgive Edward first, I cannot just leave him in pain. Whatever he saw tonight shattered him. Then maybe we can figure out what we are to each other." It sounded like an excuse, but I had to disagree. I had this feeling our moment was fleeting, and we either had to take it or let this thing between us die.
"I get that, but this isn't about Edward." It was my turn to beg, after pushing away so hard the last time we were together in private.
"Point. Can I try something?" She said, still staring at me intently, a soft smile brightening her face.
"Yes." I said feeling very vulnerable, and gave her a small nod of acceptance. She walked towards me, and reached out and played with my hair. Then she ran a finger down my cheek, and I felt myself shudder. Her touch was something I hadn't expected. Then I closed my eyes and felt her lips stop just a hair's breadth from mine. I closed the gap and began to kiss her again.
It wasn't like Emmett, it was more. It was almost indescribable. It made me realize the truth I had denied for longer than a lifetime. Except in that same moment, I knew I couldn't explore my new sense of identity with Bella. We weren't right together, and while it was a good kiss I didn't feel the same as I did on that trip back in July. Then a rush of foreign emotions boiled up from deep inside, and I had to pull away. I threw up my hands as I backed away from her.
"I can't do this." I said through uncontrollable sobs.
"I know. We're never going to happen. But I am here for you Rose." She reached out and pulled me into a supportive hug. She then helped me over to a downed tree and just held me. It felt so good to have her there, to talk to, to lean on. She was my sister, not my lover. It was a good realization that felt right. We could be close again, without drama or tension.
"Rose, are you okay?" She asked very gently, stroking my hair.
"I can't get my mind around that kiss. It wasn't like Emmett, it wasn't exactly better, but it was what I'd always imagined a kiss to be. I'm just so confused." It was hard to describe what I was feeling, except that it felt more like me than I had ever thought possible. I felt a sharp spike of pain in my gut, an emotional dagger which seemed to shut off my ability to think. For a long time we just sat there as I cried longing for tears which would never come, cradled in her powerful arms. When I finally felt strong enough, I pulled myself together and looked up and found her smiling, staring up into the trees.
"Bella, I love him enough that I cannot leave him in pain like this." I said a little pathetically. She looked down and gave me a small shake of her head
"Someone wise told me that this isn't about him. This is about you. Rose, you already have already hurt him, and now I think you owe it to yourself to find something that works for you. Emmett will find love again, I'm sure of it." It was the right words, and I did feel encouraged that I'd made the right choice, even though it felt awful. I stared at a small puddle that had formed in the center of the clearing and struggled to wrap my head around what came next.
"How?" I said helplessly, I had no idea what to do.
"He's a big hulk of a wonderful man, he'll have no trouble…" I shook my head.
"I mean how do I find something for me?" I asked while sitting up and trying to compose myself again.
"Oh, well you need to act on that thing inside of you, that person you've always hidden. I've seen it once, on the side of the road just after we kissed. You looked free. Then you pulled back and I knew you weren't ready. As for us, I think there's too much standing between us to ever work as a couple. Not just Emmett, Edward or our family but the fact I trust you as a friend and maybe as a sister more than as anything else. But that's me, what do you need?" I admired how sure she seemed, how straight forward. Yet she had to be as confused and conflicted as I was feeling, she just had an inner confidence I seemed to lack. Perhaps it was this shield that Mason spoke of, maybe it gave her a kind of clarity of thought. It could explain how she seemed more mature than people twice her age. Of course that was placing credit on a gift rather than on her own inner strength and willpower. So I pushed the idea away.
"I feel the same. It's kind of nice to define what we are. So I need to figure myself out, but how do I even go about that? Where do I even start? Go to a club full of humans?" I wasn't sure why I was asking her, maybe to find out how she dealt with her sexuality… except she never had an opportunity. She was cut off from her own body just as she was figuring things out. I felt stupid for even asking.
"That's what I did earlier today, and it was so overwhelming, but amazing." Her eyes were wide with residual excitement, but I had to shake my head at her recklessness.
"Bella, that was very dangerous." I tried not to scold, but her actions felt contrary to the person I thought she was. Someone impulsive and callous to risks, especially to human life. She could've easily killed an innocent, and I had no way of knowing if she had given in to those impulses.
"I was fine, I got a little close once but I didn't hurt anyone. I needed to know, and I do now. I'm in full control, that means I get to just start my life." I could tell she wasn't lying, there was nothing evasive in her words, tone or expression.
"I'm happy you didn't hurt anyone, but I still think it was a bit reckless." I felt a little disappointed in her choice, but I was happy she was able to skip being a newborn. It could extend our stay in Forks by years.
"Maybe, but I couldn't just sit here any longer hearing lectures. I turned away from a hunt, and I was sure that self control was real." As an explanation it was sound, fully mature vampires had trouble turning from a hunt.
"I wish I had that confidence." I looked down and shook my head slightly, "I don't get to have the life I wanted. I'm stuck like this, as a monster. Never fucking changing. How can I be anything to anyone? I can't love Emmett like he deserves, I can't have you. I can't have children or grow old, or blush or sleep or fucking cry. We're monsters Bella, god damn monsters that have stalked this planet for so long that the world forgot about us." I shivered as I finished, I hadn't said that much out loud ever. She felt like the one person in the world I could be totally honest with.
"So what, we're damned? I hate to break it to ya but a lot of people are damned. You, Edward, you've killed people right?" I nodded in shame. "Well killing is human, it's what keeps the world spinning, death and taxes."
"You don't understand." I said with a frustrated and dismissive tone of voice. How could she ever comprehend what it is to kill when she has the ability to avoid that temptation entirely?
"About mortality? I was an inch from dying, or decade. My body was gone, and if your family hadn't accepted me I would be looking down a very short barrel towards death. Or do you mean morality? I was hurt because the man who loves me chose to keep his family secret rather than risk exposure. I have to live with that betrayal for the rest of my life. I have to decide whether I can forgive that. I don't know if I can. But it isn't black and white. You could easily argue that we are not human, and killing is in our nature. I felt it at that club, I could've killed everyone in there and none of them could've stopped me. But didn't, because that kind of bloodshed isn't just wrong, it's monstrous. You go out of your way to suppress that instinct, and you've done so for nearly a century. So what, you killed some men that raped and almost beat you to death? And Edward killed a bunch of men that had done the same thing? Good fucking riddance." I was staring at her as she finished her rant, I had never heard the argument put together like that. Vengeance was wrong, but ridding the world of those people was a form of vigilantism, or more simply a life for a life.
"Can you go with me?" I said almost pleading with her for support. She just grinned widely, and nodded, pulling me into a hug again.
"We'll all go, me, you, Alice and Angela. We'll make a night of it." Bella sounded enthusiastic about the idea, and I had to admit it sounded like fun. A throwback to before the accident, except this time poor Angela would be the only human. I stood and straightened my shirt, and then turned to look down at her.
"I need some time, tell them I'll be home soon." I said feeling a modicum of confidence, although I wasn't sure what I was going to do next.
"Carlisle's gonna be pissed, you'll miss the meeting." She said clearly not all that serious about the warning, but I shrugged.
"He rarely holds a grudge, and honestly I cannot face them yet, and there's something I need to do." She raised an eyebrow, but bobbed her head a few times in understanding.
"Alright." She moved over to me and pulled me into a tight hug. Then she turned and left me be. I turned over the conversation again and again, and I couldn't hide from the truth. I wasn't the person I had been pretending to be for nearly a century. Then I thought back on what started this to begin with, Mason's revelation.
I ran to my garage and sat in my favorite car. Staring at my perfect reflection in the glass, and in a moment of hallucination it seemed to laugh at me mockingly. The look of nearly demonic glee made me shutter to the core. This false image, this mask I always wore had become heavy and hideous in its visage. I turned away from the illusion and felt pained by the ugly person I had let myself become with the lies I had told myself that caused Emmett's pain.
Then I turned over the engine and peeled out and down to the road in seconds. I vaguely knew of the house Edward had mentioned, it was only a few miles away although the turn off was a bit hidden. I stopped just inside his driveway and got out. I found his scent easily and followed it to his home. I entered the property and circled around to the front of the house. Mason was toying with the engine of a car that was barely worth the effort. As I approached him, he stepped back from the car and turned towards me while standing to his full height.
"Rosalie, to what do I owe the pleasure?" He smiled at me in genuine acceptance.
"I need you to teach me, I need to learn how to use my power." I said with determination, hoping he wouldn't reject my request. I needed to know myself fully, and a part of that was this power that frightened the hell out of me.
Author's Notes:
So... yeah.
That just happened. When I started this edit the whole Bella/Rosalie subplot wasn't intended to be an endgame storyline, but I knew there would be consequences. At the time I didn't realize what they would be, but this felt like a natural place to put that fallout. Then as I was writing this chapter, I realized why these things happened. It wasn't Bella, it was Rosalie. This isn't a breakup like Jasper/Alice. Emmett isn't going anywhere, but they will not be together anymore. This wasn't just desire to add representation into the story, this felt like a natural extension of this version of Rosalie. Additionally, it always irked me that the Cullens were three perfect couples followed by another perfect couple. I promise I'm not going to mess with Carlisle and Esme's relationship. But this chapter was needed, it fills some gaps in my narrative and allows for some much needed tension. I thought about giving this more of a triangle thing with a Bella/Edward/Rosalie romance struggle. But I honestly hate love triangles so that is not going to happen.
Next Chapter: An Exercise in Power - Mason
Thank you for reading!