He was in her flat. Remus was sitting on a squashy, bright yellow sofa in Tonks' little flat, holding a giraffe-shaped mug filled with steaming tea. Tonks curled herself up in one of the armchairs, holding her own mugful of tea, though her mug was in the shape of a badger, for Hufflepuff. He felt almost lightheaded; he hadn't expected to spend time alone again with the charming young Auror.
"Thank you for your letter, Remus. It was really unnecessary, but thank you," Tonks said.
Remus felt himself blush. "I thought it was the polite thing to do."
"Thanks for catching me earlier too. I can't tell you how many times I've hurt myself from my own clumsiness." Tonks smiled at him.
Remus blushed again. "Again, I thought it was the polite thing to do."
There was a short silence. Tonks broke it, blurting, "It was really nice of you to help Molly earlier. She's right, I'm sure you'll make someone really happy one day." She smiled sheepishly at him.
Remus shook his head. "It was nice of Molly to say so, but I don't think so." He felt a little lump at the back of his throat. He'd lived a lonely, melancholy life, and there was little hope for any change in that.
"Why not? Those charms you had were really good."
"I'm afraid it takes more than a good charm or two to er, charm, someone." He felt himself blush for the third time in her flat. He felt the intense desire to bolt, but it was matched by an equal intensity to stay rooted to the squashy sofa.
"What do you think it takes to charm someone, then?" Tonks asked, with a determined look in her eyes.
Remus hesitated. The true answer was a simple one: not being a werewolf. If it weren't for that fact, he thought, he'd have been married long ago.
"I'm sorry, that's quite personal. I shouldn't have asked, Remus."
"Well, I suppose you don't get to be a 35 year old bachelor without a few questions."
"Oh right, you're Sirius' age!"
Remus winced. Of course she would think of him alongside Sirius, her much older cousin. The lurches in his stomach reminded him that it was almost egregiously inappropriate to have any thoughts of Tonks, considering her age.
"But you know, Remus, age isn't everything," Tonks said, with a small smile.
Remus looked up at her again. Of course age isn't everything, he thought, but it makes it worse when it's an aging werewolf.
"Age isn't everything...that's true. But I think in my case, age is a smaller problem. There are plenty of women closer to my age who are available, I suppose."
Tonks looked disappointed with this answer.
"Why do you ask, Tonks?"
"What Molly said made me think you were single. I guess it surprised me."
"Why is that surprising?" Remus' heart raced under his worn jumper. Why would his solitude be of any interest to Tonks?
"You're so...kind! And sweet. And thoughtful. Ginny, Hermione, and Molly had such nice things to say about you. I guess I would've thought someone like you would've been married by now." Tonks' cheeks grew as pink as her hair at this comment.
"Though I'm flattered by their words, they're not always true. I have as many flaws as any other man." Remus was avoiding the obvious - why couldn't she see the obvious? He could have been the most handsome, the most talented, or the kindest of men, but none of these characteristics could ever outweigh the ugliness of the wolf within or the curse in his veins.
"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that you're curious. Given what you said earlier, Tonks, I can't imagine you've met many kind or thoughtful men. It's atrocious, what they ask of you."
"You mean with the morphing?"
"Yes. You should never feel like you have to change for someone who should love you just as you are." Remus felt his face grow hot again. "You're beautiful," he murmured, more to himself than to Tonks.
"See?! That's what I mean! No one says that kind of stuff to me!" Tonks exclaimed.
"I hope you're able to find someone who will feel that way about you." Remus shifted in his seat. He knew it could never be him. No matter how beautiful he thought Tonks was, regardless of how she changed herself, he would never be the one to tell her he felt this way. At least not in the way that would be more than a warm friendship.
Tonks' face was unreadable. She looked deep in thought. A short silence followed as they both sipped on their tea.
"Is it because you're a werewolf?" Tonks asked, quietly.
"What do you mean?"
"Do you think, Remus, that you can't be attractive to women because you're a werewolf?"
"Yes." Hearing the question so directly returned the small lump to his throat. He looked away from Tonks, wanting to avoid her gaze. He hated the pity that came with such an admission.
"I don't think that's true, Remus."
Tonks was looking at him directly, with her steady, dark eyes.
"I have no evidence to prove otherwise, Tonks." He sighed heavily.
"I think I do," said Tonks, softly.
"I appreciate your optimism, Tonks, and I don't mean to insult your intelligence, but I don't think you do." Remus sighed again. They always try to make it better, but nothing can take away the curse.
Tonks looked pensive again. "I think you're wrong, Remus."
He looked up at her, startled. Few people disagreed so levelly.
Remus continued to stare at her, lost in his thoughts. What could she possibly mean by this? He felt a pair of fuzzy legs wrapping around his own, and noticed Ophelia's eyes settling on his own. He glanced at his watch and realized it was nearly 2 am.
"It's late, Tonks. You need sleep before you work tomorrow. I can't be the one who made you late for work again." He smiled at her.
"But then I wouldn't get a letter from you!" she replied, with a wide grin.
"I think that's a sacrifice we're all going to have to make for you," he said.
Tonks mocked indignation at him, and admitted, "Fine, I guess I'll be responsible."
"I'm sure I'll find another way to make a fool of myself and send you another apology."
"I hope you do, Remus. I really do." She smiled at him again, and he felt grateful again that she could not hear or feel the erratic thumping of his heart underneath his jumper.
He gathered the mugs and brought them to her kitchen, placing a quick scourging charm on them to leave them clean for her. She cocked her head to the side, and with a smile said, "Thank you. You really do know how to charm, don't you?"
Remus' head filled with static, and he felt his stomach flip. "You're welcome, Tonks. I look forward to seeing you again soon."
She led him out to the door and gave his hand a squeeze before he left. "See you soon," she said softly, as he closed the door behind him to Apparate back to Headquarters.
…
Remus arrived at 12 Grimmauld Place, slightly dizzy. He felt himself walk down the dusty corridor and up the stairs to his room. He stripped himself of his clothing and lay in the ancient bed, mulling over the night's events. It had been a blur to him; it had been years since he enjoyed an evening so much. It reminded him of being a teenager - carefree, hopeful, happy.
Remus' conversation with Tonks remained buzzing in his head. He could have sworn, with the way she was looking at him - but no, it couldn't be. It had been pity in her eyes, nothing more, and nothing less. Pity for his affliction, pity for his loneliness, and pity for his wretchedness. She was too kind to him, too oblivious to the reality of his suffering.
He drifted off into a restless sleep; his dreams were torn between images of Tonks' heart-shaped, kind face looking into his own tired face, and images of her body torn apart by his own viciousness, full moon looming overhead. He woke up in a cold sweat, thrashing against the sheets, terrified. He could never allow this to happen. No matter what transpired between them, he would never allow this to happen.
…
Remus woke up to the sounds of teenage laughter floating through the ceiling. The kids must be enjoying themselves with Fred and George's pranks. The laughter subsided quickly as he heard Molly screeching at them, "DON'T YOU DARE! GET TO WORK, YOU LOT!"
Remus smiled, grateful that he wasn't on the receiving end of one of Molly's lectures. He dressed himself quickly, and stepped out onto the landing to find Kreacher shuffling across the dusty carpet. "Filthy half-breed darkening the corridor, mudblood in the library, oh what would my poor mistress think!"
"Good morning, Kreacher," Remus said, with a faint smile. Kreacher gave him a glare and shuffled back into Regulus' room.
Remus went downstairs to find Sirius and Molly in the kitchen. Molly was already underway with food preparation for the day, with Sirius grumpily at her side, helping with the preparations.
"We have an Order meeting tonight, Remus," Molly said. "We're expecting nearly twenty for dinner." Her brow was furrowed as she fussed over the potatoes, setting charms to get them peeled for her.
"Any way I can help, Molly?" Remus asked.
"Can you help the kids upstairs? I have a feeling there will be plenty of boggarts up there and I remember how much Ron and Hermione gushed about their first lesson with you." Molly beamed at him.
Remus felt himself blush again. "I'd be happy to help, Molly. Sirius, you'll be staying here?" He looked up at Sirius, who was scowling over pieces of parchment now.
"No, Sirius has been tasked with setting up missions this week, so we'll be planning together for partners and spots," Molly interjected.
Sirius scowled in Molly's direction, and Remus gave Sirius a wink, and muttered at him, "At least it's useful." Sirius lightly punched Remus on the shoulder on his way out of the kitchen and up to the kids.
Remus made his way up to the library, where he found the Weasley boys half-heartedly scrubbing Black family heirlooms. Only Ginny and Hermione were taking their time cleaning the place, animatedly chatting over their work.
Upon his arrival, the teens hushed themselves.
"No need to quiet down on my account!" Remus exclaimed. With a few twitches of his wand, streams of multi-colored, soapy water flew over their heads, much to their delight. He conjured up sponges and rags and turned on the wireless. Cheerful jazz filled the room, as multi-colored bubbles rose up to the ceiling.
"All these colors remind me of Tonks!" exclaimed Ginny.
"She's brilliant," said Hermione. "She must have been top of her class in the O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s to get to be an Auror."
"Tough, too," said Fred. "I wonder how she'd like some of our Puking Pastilles?" Fred smirked at George.
"Dunno if that's the right way to impress her, Fred," said George, his ears turning pink.
"Don't think she'll fancy puking on a first date!" laughed Ron.
Ginny rolled her eyes at them. "I'm sure she's already got someone," she said. "She's gorgeous. No way she'd be single."
Remus' heart skipped a beat. Could Tonks have shared something with them at dinner? He felt ashamed again; it should not matter to him whether she was single or not. It could never happen.
"She didn't say anything about a boyfriend last night," said Hermione.
"Think you'll give it a go, Fred?" asked Ginny, stifling a laugh.
Fred's ears grew pink again.
Remus cleared his throat. "Let's get back to work. As much as we would all enjoy hearing about Fred's romantic attempts, we should really get this room cleaned for tonight."
"What's happening in here tonight?" asked Hermione.
"Order meeting," replied Remus. "Only space big enough for the Order members in the house."
"Can we come?" asked Ron. "We can help!"
"I think you'll have to take that up with your mother," replied Remus.
The Weasleys all scowled, knowing their mother would never allow it.
"Take what up?" Molly asked, standing at the threshold of the door to the library, her hands on her hips.
"Can we help with the Order?" Ron asked. "Please?"
"I've told you again and again - absolutely NOT," replied Molly. "You're all far too young for it."
"But we're of age!" protested Fred.
"Wait until you're out of school!"
Fred and George exchanged dark smiles. Remus eyed them curiously, but said nothing.
"Remus, can you help Sirius downstairs with the rest of the assignments? We've got most of it sorted, but he said he needed your help." Molly looked annoyed at this, but Remus thought better than to disagree with her.
"Of course, Molly."
Remus went down the stairs again. He wondered if Tonks really could be single; Ginny was right. Tonks is gorgeous. She deserved nothing but the very best; someone whole, young, healthy, and decidedly not a werewolf. He shuddered again at these thoughts. Why did her face keep showing up in his dreams? Why did the very thought of her fill him with this flood of emotion?
He went back into the kitchen, awaiting an afternoon with Sirius before planning the Order's missions this week.