The Land Hidden in the Zombies
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Zombieland
A red flag with a silver symbol of a leaf in the middle could be seen moving in the wind. Below the flag, destruction was rampant. Cars were overturned and burning, rubble was everywhere, sirens were howling in the distance, and the Hokage tower was on fire.
Oh, Konoha. I wish I could tell you that this was still Konoha. But I've come to realize that you can't have a village without people. And there are no people here.
A man appeared from outside an alleyway, panting. He stood there for a few moments to regain his breath before he looked around to examine his surroundings. His face was struck with horror when he saw all the destruction. His observing was cut off by a growl nearby.
Suddenly, a man appeared on top of a car. However, this was no ordinary man. He had huge blisters all over his face, black blood oozing out of his mouth and staining his suit, and black sclera with red eyes.
Right now, these eyes held hunger in them.
Hunger for the man in front of him.
The strange man jumped off the car and charged full speed at the man. The man desperately ran to get away from him, but he lost his footing when he tripped on some debris. He fell to the ground and tried to get away, but it was too late.
The strange man caught up to him and bit into his side before tearing out a chunk of his hip. The man screamed in agony for several seconds until his screaming died down. The strange man stopped his munching to look around and let out a roar before going back to devouring his prey.
No, my friends. This is now The Land Hidden... in the Zombies.
(Overhead View of the Earth on Fire)
It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm. And why am I alive when everyone else around me has turned to meat? It's because of my list of rules.
(Outside a Bar)
A man landed on his face after being thrown out of a bar. "And don't come back!" the owner shouted before slamming the door.
The man stumbled to his feet and had a silly expression on his face. "How was I supposed to know the plant pots weren't made for peeing in?" the man shouted to the door. "Come on, let me in! I won't do it again!" the man continued to shout, unaware of two red orbs that were getting closer to him. "Let me in, asshole!" he shouted as he banged on the door. The moaning behind him finally drew his attention and he turned around to see what was making the noise.
It was a woman with red eyes and black blood coming out of her mouth. She stumbled towards him, and the drunken man remained clueless to the woman's strangeness.
"What the hell's up with your eyes?" the drunken man asked. The only response he received was the woman raising her hands towards him. "What? Do you want a hug or somethin'?" The woman was now inches away from him. "Fuck off!" The woman latched onto the man and bit into his neck causing him to scream in pain. He tried to shake her off, but the woman had a powerful grip on him.
Zombies are attracted to sound. Rule #1: Silence. If you want to survive, shut the fuck up.
(Football Field)
A screaming, fat man was running away from a zombified man across a football field.
Rule #2 for surviving The Hidden Zombieland: Cardio. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties.
The man continued to run and scream, but due to him being overweight, it was no use. The zombie caught him and brought him crashing to the ground. He turned the fat man over and bit into his throat, killing him.
Poor fat bastard.
(City)
The city was filled with chaos. Cars repeatedly crashed, people were running everywhere, and zombies were munching on anyone they could get their hands on. A zombified cop ran through the city before being hit by a car.
As the infection spread and the chaos grew, it wasn't enough to just be fast on your feet. You had to get a gun and learn how to use it.
The zombie cop got to his feet and locked his eyes on a woman with a gun. He ran to the woman, planning to make her his next meal.
Which leads me to Rule #3: Double Tap.
The woman shot the cop and he fell to the ground, presumably dead. The woman stared at the zombie cop and nudged him with her foot to make sure he was dead.
In those moments, when you're not sure if the undead are really dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets, just take one more clean shot to the head.
The zombie cop's eyes shot open, and he grabbed onto the woman's leg before biting into her ankle. The woman screamed at the pain and fell to the ground. More zombies converged on her, and they started to eat her.
And this woman could have avoided becoming a human happy meal. Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda.
(Public Bathroom)
It wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever. When you were at your most vulnerable, somehow, they could just smell it.
A man was sitting on the toilet reading a book, unaware of the danger outside. The bathroom door creaked open, much to his annoyance, "Can't a guy take a dumper in peace?" The man looked up and noticed a zombie sliding under the stall door. The man screamed in terror and the zombie roared before tearing into him.
Don't let them catch you with your pants down. Rule #4: Beware of Bathrooms.
(Suburban Neighborhood)
A woman let out terrified screams as she struggled to start her car. All around her, chaos from a kid's birthday party gone wrong ran rampant.
As zombies began to outnumber humans, well, that's when you had to cut all emotional ties. If the girls in your neighborhood are now fucked up little monsters, well maybe it's time to stop driving carpool.
The woman finally started her car and she rolled up her windows to prevent zombified children from getting in. She slammed on the brakes to get away from the carnage. Zombie children were hot on her tail, and one even held onto the back of her car, but it lost its grip and fell on the ground. She let out a relieved sigh as she drove through the neighborhood and gazed at the houses under attack.
You had to focus on your own survival. Which leads to my next rule. Pretty basic:
Unfortunately, the woman wasn't watching the road, so she didn't see the tow truck coming in from her side. The two vehicles crashed, and the woman screamed as she was sent flying through the windshield. Her screams died down when her face met the street and she slid across the road. The impact and the slide splattered her face against the ground and her facial flesh was scraped off. She was dead within a few moments.
Rule #5: Seatbelts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride, so buckle up.
(Gas Station)
A young man had just finished filling his car's gas tank up and decided to relieve himself in the public bathroom. He was about 20 years of age, had black eyes, was tall, had broad shoulders, and had a muscular frame. His hair was black and had bangs framing his face and it spiked up in the back. His attire consisted of a dark blue shirt, a black jacket, black pants, and black shoes. His face, which earned him the attention of most girls, was set in a neutral expression.
That guy down there; that's me. I'm in the red-light district of Konoha. Now I know what you're thinking: "What the hell are you doing there?". Well, I don't fucking know, this is where my journey led me. Anyway, it's been 2 months since patient zero took a bite out of a contaminated gyudon. Just 2 months and I might be the last non-cannibal freak in the country.
The man took the time to make sure his steps were silent as he strolled to the bathroom. He also brandished a kunai knife from a pouch on his hip.
Rule #1: Silence
Even though the virus caught me off guard, I still managed to survive as long as I did. This is mainly due to my advantage of never having lots of close friends and family. I survived because I play it safe and follow the rules. My rules.
The man reached for the bathroom door with hesitance but stopped when he heard a noise from inside.
Rule #4: Beware of Bathrooms
The man readied his kunai in case danger was nearby. It was a good thing he did because a zombie slammed the door open and charged him with a line of toilet paper on his shoe. "Shit!" the man cursed as he ran from the zombie. Unfortunately for the man, the commotion drew the attention of another zombie. He ran around the parking lot to gain distance from his pursuers.
Rule #2: Cardio
The man ran back to his car and tried to unlock it, but he dropped his keys. "Fuck!" he cursed before he started running from the zombies that were gaining on him. He led them on another run around the parking lot.
Rule #2: Cardio
The man got back to his car again, picked up his keys, and tried to unlock his car again, only to realize his car was already unlocked. "Of course," he sighed as he got in his car and put on his seat belt before starting the vehicle. The zombies banged on his car window and chased after him as he drove away. He started to relax as he saw the small forms of the zombies in his rearview mirror.
Unfortunately, the zombie in his backseat had other ideas.
Luckily, the man noticed the glowing red eyes in his rearview mirror. He was able to stop the zombie from eating him, but in turn, he couldn't control the car properly and he crashed into a store wall. The zombie was sent flying out the windshield since he wasn't wearing a seatbelt. The man let out a relieved sigh.
Rule #5: Seatbelts
However, the man wasn't safe yet. The zombie stood up and ripped some lingerie off his head. "Motherfucker," he cursed before reaching for a kunai. The zombie jumped on the hood of his car and reached through the hole it created to grab the man. He tried to stab the zombie with his kunai, but the zombie knocked it away. He cursed again before he turned on the windshield wipers to halt the zombie's attacks. The man grabbed a shotgun sitting on the passenger seat and loaded it before aiming it at the zombie and firing.
The zombie flew back from the shot and fell to the ground, twitching violently. The man got out of the car to examine his work. He noticed the zombie was still alive, so he readied his shotgun and shot the zombie in the head to put it down for good. He finally allowed himself to relax and he slid down the side of his car.
Rule #3: Double Tap
Well, thanks to this fucker, now I gotta find a new car.
(Run-down Highway)
The man walked through a highway that was littered with crashed cars with a backpack strapped on.
Rule #7: Travel Light
Another rule for surviving The Hidden Zombieland: Travel Light. And I don't mean just luggage. I've always been kind of a loner. I avoided other people like they were zombies even before they were zombies. Now that they are all zombies, I kinda miss people. Even the annoying fangirls. Actually, that I could still do without.
So, I'm journeying from my family's house with no real destination in mind. There was no point in staying there since my mom, dad, and brother are gone. I'm just trying to survive as long as possible. It would also be nice to see a familiar face. Or rather any face that didn't have blood dripping from its mouth and flesh between its teeth.
The man turned around and noticed that there was a huge black SUV with a heavy metal plate attached to it and the number 9 painted on the side. It kind of looked like a bulldozer. He started to run when he saw that the car was heading for him. The car knocked away broken down cars as it gained on the black-haired man. The car slowed down when it reached him, and the man brandished his shotgun in case the person inside was bad news.
The driver stepped out of the car, enabling the black-haired man to get a good look at him. He was about the same age as himself and had a physique meant for fighting. He had spiky yellow hair, cerulean blue eyes, and 3 whisker marks on each cheek. He was wearing a leather jacket, a burnt orange shirt, blue jeans, and black steel-toed boots.
The yellow-haired man readied his shotgun strapped to his side and the two survivors aimed their guns at each other. The tension could only be cut with a butcher knife. They stayed like that for several moments, seeing if the other would back down. The tension was broken when the newcomer spoke up.
"Need a ride?"
The black-haired man was stumped by the man's words and didn't respond for a few seconds.
"Hello! Are you deaf? I said, "Do you need a ride?"" the spiky-haired man asked.
Still on edge, the man finally answered his question. "Yeah. My feet are starting to hurt."
"Well, hop in," the whiskered man gestured with his head to his car, and the black-eyed man complied with hesitation. He got into the car and investigated the backseat in order not to make the same mistake again.
Rule #31: Check the Backseat
"What are you looking for?" the newcomer asked when he saw the black-haired man looking through his back seat.
"Nothing, I was just making sure the back was clear," he answered before putting his backpack in the backseat and his shotgun between his legs.
"If the back wasn't clear, would we be sitting here right now?" the blue-eyed man asked rhetorically, which made the black-eyed man pause.
"Good point," he conceded.
"So, what's your name? My name is-" the whiskered man was cut off before he could say.
"Stop right there. I don't do names. Keeps us from getting too close. You could be here today and a zombie tomorrow. And I don't want to spend precious time mourning when I should be focusing on staying alive," he explained, and the yellow-haired man knew that he had a point.
"Well, we gotta call each other something. I doubt you want to keep being referred to as stranger," he pointed out.
The black-haired man mulled over his words and nodded in agreement. He then examined the newcomer's features and decided on the perfect nickname.
"Whiskers."
The now dubbed "Whiskers" glared at his passenger before he too examined his features. He smirked when he figured out a good nickname.
"If you get to call me "Whiskers", I get to call you "Duck-butt"".
The now dubbed "Duck-butt" glared at Whiskers before he relented. "...Fine".
"So where are you headed?" Whiskers asked.
"I'm not really going anywhere. I'm just going wherever the wind takes me," Duck-butt explained. "You?"
"Same here. Although, I'm looking for survivors, too. You can tag along if you want," Whiskers offered.
Duck-butt mulled over his offer and decided to give it a try, "Ok"
"Good, now just so you know. I'm not easy to get along with and I'm assuming you're a bit of an emo," Duck-butt glared at Whiskers but was ignored. "But I think we can make this arrangement work," Whiskers stepped on the gas and drove through the wreckage.
Even though teaming up wasn't really my style, I figure I'd be safer with Whiskers by my side. I could tell he was in the ass-kicking business. And business is good. However, it became apparent that he had one weakness.
The duo was stopped near the edge of the highway with broken rails. Below them was a white truck with the logo for Ichiraku's Noodle Shop on the side that crashed into the ditch.
"What are we doing here?" Duck-butt asked.
"Take a look. It's a goddamned Ichiraku's truck," Whiskers explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Yeah, I see that. So, what?"
"I could use some ramen," Whiskers stated, and Duck-butt stared at him incredulously.
"We're in the middle of the apocalypse and you're stopping for some ramen. Are you serious right now?"
"As serious as a heart attack," Whisker's started his trek to the fallen truck before he noticed that Duck-butt hadn't moved. "You coming?"
"I'm coming just give me a minute," Duck-butt sighed before he began to perform warm-up exercises.
"Are you fucking with me?" Whiskers asked with a chuckle.
"No. You should actually limber up as well," Duck-butt stated and was now doing jumping jacks. "Especially, if we are going down that hill.
Rule #18: Limber Up
"I don't believe in that. Have you ever seen a lion limber up before he takes down a gazelle?" Duck-butt had to pause to give it some thought. No, he, in fact, has never seen a lion do that. Whiskers smirked and the duo hiked down the hill. He pulled out his shotgun and banged on the truck door. Hearing no sound, he pulled the door open and out poured boxes of ravioli.
"Ravioli? Ravioli?! Where the fucking ramen?!" Whiskers snapped.
"What's wrong with ravioli?" Duck-butt asked as he picked up several boxes.
"There's nothing wrong with it. I was just really hoping for ramen," Whiskers explained. He picked up a box and dropped it back down. "This search for ramen ain't over yet," Whiskers proclaimed, and Duck-butt sighed in annoyance. They got back into the car and drove away from the crash site.
A.N.: This story is going to be a pseudo-crossover. There are no Zombieland characters, instead, they are all replaced by Naruto characters. Now, this is not going to be a retelling of Zombieland with only the characters changed. The story is going to face changes as well.
I've had a really good idea for a zombie movie, but I didn't have a way to get the idea out. Thanks to fanfiction, I can finally see if my good idea is truly a good idea.
Another reason I started this story is because one of my favorite Naruto fanfictions on Wattpad, Surviving the Undead, got deleted. I don't know if this is true, but I can't find it anymore. That really pissed me off because that story was S-Tier level material. Then I decided "why don't I make my own Naruto fanfiction with zombies in the same league as Surviving the Undead?". Now here we are.
Thanks for reading, and be brutally honest in your reviews.