The Land Hidden in the Zombies
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Zombieland
I'm usually not quick to trust people. And I was like that before the shit hit the fan. But for some reason, I just knew that Whiskers wouldn't backstab me at the first chance. Which is more than I can say for some other people.
When zombies took over, everyone had to change to survive. That meant doing things they wouldn't normally do. Some took it a step further and screwed people over to save their own ass. These are the people you want to avoid.
I had to learn this the hard way.
(Flashback - 2 Weeks After the Virus Struck)
Duck-butt was walking through a quiet neighborhood with his head lowered. His face conveyed nothing but sadness, but he refused to let tears fall from his eyes. He was barely paying attention to his surroundings since he was lost in thought.
"Why...? Why did this happen?" he kept asking himself as he trudged through the ghost town.
He was snapped from his thoughts when he heard a loud scream. He turned his attention to the source and found three zombies banging on the door of a house. The scream sounded feminine, and he figured that the woman must have been on the other side of the door.
As Duck-butt ran to the house, he brandished three kunai from his hip pouch. When he was close enough, he threw all three of them and took out the three zombies before they knew he was there.
Rule #1: Silence
Duck-butt walked over to the corpses and snatched up his kunai. He wiped the blood off the knives before putting them back in his pouch. He then softly knocked on the door. He usually would just kill the zombies and be done with it, but he wasn't in the right state of mind.
After a few moments of silence, Duck-butt figured the woman wouldn't answer so he turned around to leave. Only for the door to open and for him to be yanked inside. Before he could regain his bearings, a body slammed into him. He was about to push it off before he realized the body was shaking and crying.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" the woman kept repeating. Duck-butt struggled to get the woman off him.
"Can you please get off of me, woman?" Duck-butt ground out. The woman finally let go when she realized she was suffocating him.
"Sorry?" the woman apologized. "I just didn't think anyone was coming to help me."
"Well, this is your lucky day," Duck-butt remarked neutrally as he gave the woman a once over.
She was about the same age as him. She had purple hair styled asymmetrically and brown eyes. She wore a pink and red striped blouse over a blue dress and dark-colored pants and sandals. The woman was mildly attractive, but he doubted she could make heads turn.
"Are you hurt?" Duck-butt asked.
"No. I got in this house before they could," the woman answered.
"Good. Now listen to me," Sasuke started, "We need to get out of here."
The woman was startled by the question. "Why? Won't we be safe in here?"
Duck-butt shook his head. "No. Your screaming most likely drew the attention of more zombies. We need to get before they all converge on this house," he explained.
"Umm, I don't think that's a problem. I doubt they heard me," the woman stated.
As if to prove her wrong, a window at the back of the house shattered. The two of them turned their heads and saw a zombie running toward them. It was closely followed by 2 more.
"Shit!" Duck-butt cursed before he grabbed the woman's hand, "Come on! Let's go," he ordered as he and the woman raced out the door, the zombies hot on their tails.
They continued to run through the neighborhood and the small horde grew from 3 to 12. They kept running for as long as their legs could carry them. Their pursuit came to a halt when they reached a dead-end in the form of a cul-de-sac. The impasse also had 3 more zombies to add to the horde.
Duck-butt swore loudly, and he examined his pouch. "Fuck!" he cursed when he saw that he only had 5 kunai. He looked at the woman and saw her terrified expression. He turned back to the quickly approaching monsters.
And so here I am. Cornered with nowhere to run. How do I get out of this predicament?
There was no way he could fight off all the zombies, but he vowed to take down as many as he could.
"Hey, I got an idea," the woman spoke up.
"What?" Duck-butt asked.
"Just trust me I know exactly what to do?" Duck-butt felt uneasy, but he decided to trust the woman. He turned towards the horde with his back facing the woman.
Big mistake.
The woman did something that completely shocked Duck-butt to the core.
She pushed him towards the incoming zombies.
Duck-butt's world froze when he realized what just happened.
You see you just can't trust anyone. I let my guard down around this girl, and she threw me to the lions without any hesitation.
Duck-butt rolled to the ground and stopped at the feet of the horde. His eyes grew wide and his breathing quickened when he saw their red orbs boring holes into him.
This was it. This was the end. There was no escaping this. The horde would be on him before he could even get up. He resigned himself to his fate and prepared himself for the agonizing pain of flesh being ripped from flesh.
However, it seemed that God was smiling down on him.
The zombies switched their attention to the woman, and they began to growl. They started advancing towards her and she shook in fear as they did so.
"No! No! What are you doing! He's right there! Eat him!" she shouted at the mindless cannibals, but it was no use.
The zombies all jumped on her and began to devour her. The woman screamed when their black stained teeth tore off her flesh and their hands ripped her apart.
Duck-butt watched in horror as blood, guts, and limbs flew everywhere. He snapped out of his daze when he saw his chance to flee. He took off running in the opposite direction without looking back as the woman's screams echoed behind him.
That day I learned a valuable lesson and created arguably the most important rule of all: Rule #12: Trust No One/Go with Your Gut.
(Present Day – Whiskers and Duck-butt)
That was one of my first brushes with the plague of the 21st century.
Whiskers and Duck-butt continued to drive on the deserted highway that became a bridge. They pulled to a stop when they saw a large jumble of crashed cars blocking one side of the road. Luckily, the opening left by the mass crash was big enough to move through. They just needed to move another car blocking the opening.
Remember Mad Cow Disease? Well, "Mad Cow" became "Mad Person" and became "Mad Zombie". It's a fast-acting virus that left you with a swollen brain, a raging fever, and made you hateful and violent. And it gave you a really bad addiction to human flesh.
The duo got out of the SUV and walked to the damaged car. "All right, you steer, and I'll push," Whiskers told Duck-butt and he complied. He looked in the backseat to make sure the coast was clear. Finding nothing, he opened the car door and used the steering wheel to direct the car. "You know, I heard there's a place that's untouched by all this shit," Whiskers spoke up.
"By the Land of Whirlpools?" Duck-butt asked.
"Yeah. You heard of it, too?" Whiskers questioned.
"I don't know if it's true or not. Usually, rumors are just nonsense," Duck-butt stated as they finally cleared the path for the SUV. "Although, as far as I know, no one's gone there yet. So, we don't know for certain."
The two of them walked back to their vehicle. "So, what you're saying is, this could be like Penguins in the North Pole hearing that the South Pole is really nice this time of year," Whiskers questioned.
"Yeah," Duck-butt answered, "but there are no penguins in the North Pole."
Whiskers shifted his gaze to the sky before returning it to Duck-butt. "...Do you know what 1000 Years of Death feels like?" Duck-butt shook his head. "Be thankful for that. Now, get in the damn car."
The duo continued to ride in silence for several minutes until Whiskers spoke up. "Hey, when's the last time you fucked?"
Duck-butt stared blankly at Whiskers for a few moments. "Really?" he questioned, "Of all the questions you could ask me, you chose that one."
"Would it help it I reworded it?" Whiskers' nervous question went unanswered. "Maybe I could have said, "Laid some pipe" or "Went 20 toes" or "Put Percy in the Playpen" or "Wallpapered the Closet" or "Passed the gravy" or-?"
"Shut the fuck up."
"Ok."
The ride became awkward for several minutes. Whiskers was still nervous, and Duck-butt was still annoyed. Duck-butts annoyed expression mellowed when he saw Whiskers' shifty eyes and tapping on the wheel.
"...I haven't done it before," Duck-butt spoke up.
"What?" Whiskers asked.
"I've never had sex before," Duck-butt repeated with a hint of embarrassment.
"Really?" Whiskers asked in disbelief. "I'd have figured a good-looking guy like you would have gotten laid."
The black-haired man slowly craned his head to Whiskers with a baffled expression, "What?"
Whiskers' eyes widened when he realized what that sounded like, "Oh shit! No, that's not what I meant! I'm not gay! I'm just stating facts! You are an attractive guy! That doesn't make me gay for pointing that out!" Duck-butt slowly leaned away from the rambling blonde. Whiskers let out a groan of embarrassment which quickly turned into disgust once he saw the sight in front of him.
A car had run off the road and the two front doors were wide open. But that wasn't what grossed the two of them out. A zombified woman was feasting on the carcass of a man.
"Jesus Fucking Christ," Whiskers' statement summed up the mutual feeling perfectly.
"Makes you sick, doesn't it?" Duck-butt asked.
"Yeah. It makes you sad. It makes you wish things would go back to the way they were if it meant this wasn't the norm," Whiskers elaborated as he gestured to the zombie woman munching flesh of the dead man's bone.
"Well, it's no use dwelling on what-ifs. Our friend here feasting on her Manwich, that shit is everywhere now," Duck-butt explained, and the blonde driver nodded.
"I agree," Whiskers stated with a smirk as he started driving again. "Although, that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun." Right as they were about to pass the zombie woman, Whiskers opened his door and used it to smack the woman off her meal. He let out a chuckle when he looked behind them and saw that the woman was running after him. Duck-butt also found his actions funny and smiled in amusement.
Whiskers had a sick sense of humor when it came to zombies. Zombies aren't the most lovable creatures, but he really hated them.
(Outside a Grocery Store)
In fact, the only thing he was more obsessed with than killing zombies, was finding some ramen. Something about ramen reminded him of a time not so long ago, when things were simple and not so fucking psychotic.
The duo was pulled up in front of a grocery store; one of them had one goal in mind and the other struggled to not facepalm at his goal. Whiskers opened the trunk with a grin on his face as he prepared himself to enter the grocery store.
It was like if he got a taste of those savory noodles and delicious broth, the world would become innocent again and everything would return to normal.
Duck-butt walked up beside him carrying a kunai pouch on his hip and a shotgun in his hand. "What are you: prospecting?" Duck-butt asked in bafflement when he saw Whiskers mock swinging a pickaxe. He got closer to the trunk to look inside and was surprised to see various hardware tools including shears. "Holy shit! You are a dangerous guy." Duck-butt narrowed his eyes when he saw another resident in the trunk. "You're really about to risk our lives for some ramen?" he asked.
Whiskers backed up from the trunk to gesture to the store, "There's a pack of ramen in that grocery store. Not just any pack of ramen: one of the last packs of ramen that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe." He picked up the shears and strapped them to his hip.
"Even though you already have a stash right there?" Duck-butt pointed out as he pointed to where several boxes of ramen were stacked.
"Look you can never have too much ramen," Whiskers explained as he picked up a bat and a banjo, and strapped a shotgun to his hip. "And until I can find the perfect recipe, I'm gonna collect as much instant ramen as I can," he stated with a melancholic look. Duck-butt noticed the look and filed this information for later. Whiskers closed the trunk and the duo walked to the grocery store's entrance. "Time to nut up or shut up," he proclaimed
"Any reason why you're carrying a banjo?" Duck-butt asked.
"Cause I feel like it," was the answer received.
Whiskers may be a ramen-obsessed idiot, but when he goes Hulk on a zombie, he sets the standard for not to be fucked with. No fear, nothing to lose. What can I say? It's like art.
The duo walked into the store and observed that it was surprisingly well-stocked. Usually, any buildings with food in them were completely empty. They continued to walk until they came to the aisle where the ramen was. Whiskers pulled out his banjo and started playing the main melody to a song involving a flying animal of cerulean color.
(A.N.: Play "Bad Situation" from Naruto OST)
A fat zombie appeared from the next aisle over, snarling at the duo. Whiskers stopped playing to gaze at the cannibalistic obstacle. He turned his gaze to Duck-butt with a smirk before he jogged to the zombie and readied his banjo like a bat.
"Damn, you're ugly," Whiskers stated, and he received a grunt from the zombie. He swung the banjo, hitting the zombie in the face. Blood splattered on the shelves and the zombie was sent to the ground. Whiskers bashed the zombie's head twice to put it down for good.
Suddenly, another zombie appeared behind Duck-butt. "Shit!" he cursed as he ran toward Whiskers who threw away his banjo and brandished his bat. "Don't swing! Don't swing!" Duck-butt slid under the awaiting bat. "Swing!"
Whiskers obliged and clotheslined the zombie in the face, sending it crashing to the floor on its back. He beat the zombie in the head and the zombie let out a pained cry until it was silenced forever with another hit.
"Thanks," Duck-butt spoke.
"No problem," Whiskers replied before throwing his bat to the floor. The duo walked to the end of the aisle leaving the two bodies behind them.
"That was kinda awesome," Duck-butt complemented.
"I know," Whiskers commented before his eyes locked onto his prize. He was almost drooling when he looked at a large cardboard box with nine ramen cups at the end of the aisle. "Come to daddy!" he proclaimed, and his black-haired partner just shook his head at his antics.
Before he could grab the box, they heard another growl, this one much deeper and raspier than the previous ones. A final zombie came from around the corner, this one much larger than the last ones. Which was saying a lot.
Whiskers back up from the ramen to give the wall of mindless flesh a once over, "You's a big motherfucker."
"Here I got this," Duck-butt stated as he readied a kunai before Whiskers grabbed his hand.
"Nah, I can handle this." Duck-butt was hesitant to comply but did so after a few seconds of debate. Whiskers pulled out his shears and a "come here" motion with his hand.
As if to comply, the large zombie trudged towards the two. Duck-butt began to get nervous as the zombie came closer while Whiskers remained cool.
"Hey, whatever you're gonna do, now would be a good time to do it," Duck-butt urged.
"Hey, calm down I got this," Whiskers stated coolly. The zombie got closer and Duck-butt became even more nervous.
"Are you sure you don't want me do kill it?"
"Trust me I got this."
"That zombie is getting closer by the second!"
"Will you just shut up! I know what I'm doing."
"Fuck this! I'm killing it"
"Oh look! Some tomatoes."
"Where?!"
"ROOOAAARRR!"
Whiskers pulled Duck-butt to the side and moved the both of them out of the zombie's path. He stuck his foot out and tripped the colossal beast causing it to fall flat on its face. Before it could get up, Whiskers stabbed it in the head with his shears. The zombie was dead instantly.
"There! That should do it," Whiskers stated as he brushed imaginary dust off his shoulder and walked back to his ramen.
Duck-butt just stood there gaping before he craned his head to his blonde partner. "...Are you crazy?" he asked, baffled.
"A little bit," Whiskers answered.
Before they could walk out of the store, they heard more footsteps. They turned to the source of the sound, Duck-butt readying his weapons in case it was another zombie, and they widened their eyes.
Standing in front of them was a woman who wasn't zombified. She had green eyes and pink hair that was tied into a ponytail. She was wearing a red shirt under a black jacket, black pants, and black boots. In the duo's opinion, she was quite beautiful, even though she was lacking in the chest department.
All I could think of was: Holy Shit! Another survivor.
The woman's expression was one of distress. "Please, you have to help me," she stated.
No, we don't.
She walked into the storage room. Whiskers was about to follow him, but Duck-butt grabbed his arm. "What's up?"
Duck-butt pinned him with a suspicious gaze. "Be on your guard. Something is off about that woman," he warned.
"What are you talking about?" Whiskers asked.
"She wasn't surprised when she saw us and she asked for our help instead of greeting us first," the black-haired man explained.
"Duck-butt, I'm sure you're just being paranoid," Whiskers shrugged off the concern and walked toward the storage room.
Duck-butt was still suspicious, but he followed his partner. Before walking in the room, he opened a nearby exit door, made sure the coast was clear outside, and placed a box in the door's way to keep it open.
Rule #22: When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out
Duck-butt ran into the room and stopped once he got to where his partner and the woman was. What caught his attention was the presence of a girl several years younger than the three of them.
She had pale, pupilless eyes and brown hair. She was wearing a deep brown jacket, a honey yellow shirt, black pants and brown shoes. Duck-butt also noticed that she had a pained expression.
Whiskers walked up to Duck-butt with a somber look. "Their friends and the little one's been bitten, so we're trying not to freak her out," Whiskers explained.
Duck-butt immediately put his hands his shotgun, but didn't aim it at the girl, and nodded his head.
"Duck-butt," Whiskers called which got tiny snickers from the girls before they went back to their distressed and pained states. "This is Pinky and Firecracker," the girls were agitated at the names, but they didn't act on the feeling.
"So, you did all this for some ramen?" Firecracker asked.
"Correction: he did all this for some ramen," Duck-butt stated as he pointed at Whiskers. "I'm just along for the ride." Pinky placed her hand on Whiskers' shoulder and brought him and Duck-butt into a huddle. "Look, I don't think she has long," Duck-butt whispered.
"I know, and she does, too," Pinky replied as she looked back at Firecracker. "We're just looking for a way out," she stated as she looked to Duck-butt's shotgun.
The guys noticed the gaze and understood what she meant. "What? No, we can't do that. She's just a little girl," Whiskers spoke up.
"It's better than her becoming a mindless cannibal," Duck-butt pointed out.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here," Firecracker spoke up agitated.
This broke up the huddle and Whiskers approached the girl slowly. "Alright, I'm sorry. Look, I know that you're really sick-, Woah," Whiskers saw the bite wound her arm and his stomach dropped. "But your friend wants to-."
"It's not her decision," Firecracker interrupted as she began to cry, "It's mine. I made her promise. We already said goodbye, but we didn't have a gun."
"Look we don't know that there's definitely no cure-!" Whiskers protested but was interrupted again.
"You're just gutless!" Firecracker snapped, and Whiskers flinched. "Let him do it," she gestured with her head to Duck-butt who was brandishing his shotgun.
"We have to do it. It's the only way to save her from a fate worse than death," Duck-butt explained. Whiskers was still hesitant but could see the logic in his partner's statement.
"...Fine," he finally relented. "But I'm going over here," he told them as he walked a few feet from them and covered his ears with his back turned to them.
Duck-butt rubbed Firecracker's head to soothe her before he got ready to shoot. The girls let out choked sobs as he did this. He pointed his shotgun at Firecracker and was about to pull the trigger.
"Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!" Pinky spoke up to stop him from shooting her friend. Duck-butt pointed the shotgun down and Whiskers turned around. "I'll do it," she vowed as sobs racked her voice.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Duck-butt questioned.
"Yes, now give it here!" Duck-butt complied and handed her the shotgun before taking a few steps back.
The girls stared at each other for a few moments before Pinky kissed Firecracker on her forehead. "I'm sorry," Pinky whispered as Duck-butt gazed at them with a melancholic smile.
"Don't be. Just get it over with." Pinky stepped back from Firecracker and opened the shotgun. Seeing that it was loaded, she snapped it closed and aimed the gun at her friend, both having tears filling their eyes.
For a few moments, nothing happened. "Do you need some help," Duck-butt asked.
"Now that you mention it...," Pinky's demeanor made a complete 180 as she pointed the shotgun at Duck-butt. "We'll take your weapons, your car keys, your ammunition," Pinky's voice was now leveled, and her tears disappeared.
"And if you got it: bananas," Firecracker demanded as she snatched Whiskers' gun from his hip. Her demeanor also completely changed. He didn't resist in fear of Pinky shooting Duck-butt.
"What the fuck?!" Whiskers exclaimed as he walked over to Duck-butt, "Wait a damn minute! What the fuck is going on?!"
"What's going on is that we just became victims of Con artists," Duck-butt explained while silently pissed off.
"Like what Chicken-ass said. And it's better you make the mistake of trusting us than us make the mistake of trusting you," Pinky stated with a satisfied smirk as the two of them walked out the storage room.
"Son of a bitch," Duck-butt muttered.
Because of course the first girl in 100 miles shows up, steals our ride and our guns, and says we're the one that can't be trusted.
Back at the parking lot, the girls drove away in the SUV leaving the guys with only their luggage. Whiskers and Duck-butt stared at the retreating girls, silently hoping the vehicle would blow up.
What is it with me and getting screwed over by girls! I guess it's a good thing they didn't know about my kunai pouch.
The duo stood in the parking lot reviewing the recent events.
"...We just got swindled," Whiskers spoke.
"Yep," Duck-butt responded.
"...Well, this sucks."
"Yep,"
"Although, I gotta say: they are some damn good actresses," Whiskers pointed out thoughtfully.
Duck-butt glared at Whiskers in annoyance. "Let's go before I smack you!" he snapped, and Whiskers complied. They both picked up their luggage and strolled out of the parking lot.