The Land Hidden in the Zombies
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Zombieland
(With Pinky and Firecracker)
The two girls rode down a highway in their stolen SUV. They both had satisfied smirks on their faces at another successful con. "Man, those guys are dumb," Firecracker spoke.
"I don't know about the black-haired one, but the blonde guy definitely is an idiot," Pinky stated.
"Yeah. Although, I do kinda feel bad for tricking him. He seemed like he actually wanted to help us," the younger girl replied.
"Eh, maybe," the pink-haired girl admitted, "But that kind of thinking will get him killed. You can't trust everyone you meet."
"I guess you're right. I pretended to be a zombie and look where that got him," Firecracker stated. "Car-less, weapon-less," she trailed off when she noticed the stack of ramen in the back, "...ramen-less."
"I don't know what it is with that dude and ramen, but he needs serious help," Pinky stated, and Firecracker hummed in agreement while staring out the window.
"So do you think it's true," Firecracker asked as she turned her head to Pinky, "About Fuji-Q Highland."
"Totally zombie-free," Pinky replied without hesitation. She turned her head to face Firecracker and gave her a reassuring smile. "Trust me." The pale-eyed girl smiled back and looked out the window again. She didn't notice Pinky's shifty eyes and smile shifting to a frown.
(With Whiskers and Duck-butt)
The duo was walking through a run-down shopping district. They were still sour about being tricked; Whiskers displayed his irritation by kicking whatever rocks he found while Duck-butt merely frowned. They didn't wallow in their frustration for long though, but they were still miffed about the whole thing. Now they were passing the time by engaging in small talk.
"Really now," Whiskers was curious at Duck-butt's proclamation.
"I'm serious," Duck-butt insisted. "There was this woman in the front seat of a van with her baby. And a zombie was trying to climb in through the back. Then this guy grabbed it, pulled it back, and crushed its head by closing the door," he explained.
"Alright, if you say so," Whiskers relented. "But I wouldn't say that's Zombie Kill of the Week. There was this one guy, he was facing off against a horde and all he had was a propane tank and a handgun-"
"Let me guess: he threw the propane tank at the horde and shot it, making it explode?" Duck-butt interrupted and received a glare from Whiskers.
"Will you let me finish, asshole!" The duck-haired man shrugged his shoulders and the blonde continued, "He threw the propane tank at the horde and shot it, making it explode."
Duck-butt gave Whiskers a blank stare but was ignored. He sighed and continued their walk in silence, all the while still irritated about their lack of transportation. "We gotta find a car," Duck-butt muttered.
"Yeah, it'll be nighttime before we know it. I gotta get back to my base," Whiskers spoke which caught Duck-butt's attention.
"You have a base?" Duck-butt questioned. He was surprised that he found someone who had shelter. If Whiskers had a base, he might also have a place to stay. It would certainly beat walking around all day.
"Yeah. Don't you?" Whiskers questioned back.
Duck-butt shook his head. "Never found a place that was suitable. I usually just drive around in my car in the day and sleep on the floor at night to avoid any zombies," the black-haired youth explained. "That is until my car got destroyed," he grumbled as he glared at the ground.
"Damn, that sucks," Whiskers stated. "Well, if you want you can come with me?" he offered.
"Really?" While Duck-butt was hoping for the offer, he was still surprised.
"Yeah!" Whiskers reassured. "I'm the only one there, so it gets really lonely," he continued with a somber expression.
Duck-butt was caught off guard by the blonde's demeanor. He was usually happy-go-lucky, so seeing him like this concerned him. "Well, sure. I'll go with you," Duck-butt spoke.
Whiskers' expression brightened, "That's great! We can watch movies, do target practice, eat ramen-" He cut himself off when a realization hit him. This also caused him to stop in his tracks.
Duck-butt continued walking until he noticed the blonde was stopped. He turned around and saw his shocked expression. "What is it? Do you see a zombie?" he pulled out a kunai and readied himself. He looked around to see if there was danger nearby.
"...My ramen."
Duck-butt faltered in his stance and turned his head to Whisker. "What?" he asked in bafflement.
"I left my ramen at the store. And my secret stash is with those girls." With the shock of him and his partner getting swindled with amazing efficiency, the blonde forgot all about the reason they came to the store. He was also unable to grab his ramen, since that was where his weapons were, and the girls didn't want them to get any ideas. Whiskers began to tremble, and his bag fell to the ground. "They stole my ramen." He stopped shaking and his distressed expression shifted to a blank one.
Duck-butt was about to point out that they didn't steal it, he just left it in the car, but stopped when he saw his blonde companion. Whiskers was completely still, had an emotionless expression, and was just staring ahead. Seeing the usually cheerful man without any emotion was unnerving to Duck-butt. "Hey, man. You alright?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Whiskers answered, but Duck-butt didn't believe him. He slowly craned his head to the side and noticed a minivan in mint condition. He strolled toward the vehicle, picking up a rock in the process. "That's a nice minivan." He raised his hand with the rock. "Be a shame if someone were to-," he threw the rock at the minivan, smashing a window. "FUCK IT UP!" Whiskers shouted as he finally let his anger announce its presence on his face.
Duck-butt flinched; he didn't know if he was afraid of the blonde or afraid of attracting unwanted attention. He took out another kunai and gripped it in his other hand. "Dude! Shut Up! You're gonna lead zombies over here," he warned his partner while still shaking.
Whiskers didn't heed his warning. He picked up a nearby crowbar and smashed more windows on the car. Duck-butt backed away from the blonde and continued scouting for zombies.
Whiskers firmly believes that you have to blow off steam in the Hidden Zombieland or else you lose what's left of your mind. Well, if it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me, then I say "Hey, go apeshit."
Whiskers was now on top of the van. "I WANT MY RAMEN BACK, DATTEBAYO!" he shouted as he repeatedly smashed the windshield until it broke. "Stupid fucking bitches!" not even the taillights were safe from his wrath. Whiskers stopped destroying the van went he noticed its messed up state. Satisfied with himself, he threw the crowbar away and jumped off the van. "Shit!" he cursed as he grabbed his leg and started limping. "I think I pulled something."
Rule #18: Limber Up
Duck-butt waited for several moments to make sure Whiskers had calmed down. When he confirmed this, he made one last look around to see if the coast was clear. After doing so, he jogged back over Whiskers' side with their luggage in tow. Though, he still kept his guard up. "You good now?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm good," Whiskers replied, and Duck-butt relaxed. "You think the two of us are smart enough to come up with a con like that?" Whiskers asked.
"I probably could. Don't know about you though," Duck-butt jabbed.
Whiskers scowled, "Oh, go fuck yourself!"
The duo continued to walk around looking for a car. It was now afternoon and they needed to find transportation. Duck-butt started to get discouraged at the lack of functioning vehicles. Whiskers, however, refused to give up and kept searching. Their efforts paid off when they arrived in a small neighborhood and found a yellow hummer. It looked to be in pristine condition, but the two needed a closer look to confirm this.
"Well, look at what we got here!" Whiskers' enthusiasm was palpable as he began inspecting the hummer. Duck-butt was behind him dragging their luggage. "The tires aren't flat, and it hasn't crashed into anything. I think we found ourselves a good catch," he called out to his black-haired partner as he examined every inch of the car.
Duck-butt came up to the yellow hummer to do his own inspection in case the blonde missed anything. He immediately noticed something off in the driver's seat. There were two hands on the steering wheel. "Hey! hold on," he called out which got Whiskers' attention.
"What is it?" Whiskers asked.
"Be on your guard," Duck-butt warned as pulled out a kunai and prepared himself. If it was a zombie, he would kill it quickly. If it was a human, he would interrogate them before deciding what to do. He threw open the door and his eyes widened at what he saw.
The hands on the steering wheel were just that. Hands. The limbs had been completely severed and were just hanging off the steering wheel. Whiskers came up to the passenger's side and became baffled at the sight. "How the fuck did that happen?"
"No clue," Duck-butt replied. He took out a cloth and pried the hands off the steering wheel before tossing them away. He then searched around until he found the keys in the ignition. He turned the keys and the car started, much to the duo's delight.
Meanwhile, Whiskers was looking in the backseat and noticed a large duffle bag.
Rule #31: Check the Back Seat
"Hey, Duck-butt, can you come back here?" he called, and his partner went to the other side of the backseat. He saw the bag and put his guard up. "Help me get this open," he requested, and Duck-butt complied. Cautiously, they zipped open the bag and their spirits brightened more than the sun.
The duffle bag contained several guns. All were military grade and ammo was also present. They now had more weapons than just kunai. "Holy Shit!" Whiskers had a mad grin on his face as he gazed at the assault rifles, submachine guns, and pistols.
The grin on the blonde's face made Duck-butt's skin crawl. "Wipe that smile off your face. You look creepy."
Whiskers ignored Duck-butt in favor of picking up a submachine gun. "Oh, yeah." He turned his gaze to the sky and took a deep breath. "WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS, DATTEBAYO!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.
"Will you shut-," Duck-butt was about to berate the blonde but decided against it. "Nevermind, let's just get out of here before zombies show up."
Duck-butt walked to the driver's seat and prepared to drive off. Before Whiskers got in the car, he took out a paint can and painted the number 9 on both sides of the truck. The duo rode out of the neighborhood, their spirits being lifted at them finding not just a truck, but also lots of big guns.
"Got something on your mind?" Whiskers spoke up after a while of silence. He noticed that his partner looked extremely pensive.
"I'm just thinking about those two girls," Duck-butt answered.
"Look we should just let bygones be bygones. We're probably not even gonna see them again," Whiskered advised.
Duck-butt could see his point. Going after them was a hopeless endeavor. Plus, if he was in their situation, he might have done the same thing. "I know. I just hate how stupid they made us look. Especially, the pink-haired one. That smug grin of hers was so irritating." He then grew a scowl, "And she called me Chicken-ass"
Whiskers had to hold back a snort. Pinky calling Duck-butt "Chicken-ass" was pretty funny to him. "Hey, it's all good now. We got a truck and weapons. We're gonna be fine."
Duck-butt nodded his head in acknowledgement. "Yeah, you're probably right." They sat in the car in silence for a while heading to their destination, Whiskers' base.
"Hey, how'd you find out about the zombie virus?" Whiskers suddenly asked.
This threw the black-haired man for a loop. He wasn't expecting him to ask that question and he wasn't prepared to answer it. He still didn't know the blonde too well and was hesitant to open up about his past.
However, there was something about Whiskers that put him at ease. He had this aura that made you want to follow him into the darkness because you felt that you would emerge from it unscathed. He didn't give off the vibe of a slimy snake. More like a tricky fox, but he didn't seem like the type to betray people.
Whiskers may have had a screw loose, but he was trustworthy. And Duck-butt knew that.
"I was in college when all this shit happened," Duck-butt started, and Whiskers listen attentively. "I was sitting in my dorm room watching tv and all of a sudden, a broadcast comes on talking about a dangerous virus that's making people go crazy and eat each other. The journalist talking then starts to run away from something. I didn't know what it was, but she seemed terrified. Unfortunately, she wasn't fast enough and whatever was chasing her caught up to her and the cameraman. The camera fell to the ground, but it was still running, and it showed her being torn apart by a bunch of people with red eyes," he explained. He would never forget the woman's agonizing screams and the horror he felt watching the spectacle. "I immediately packed my stuff and headed to my home. I needed to make sure my family was safe. Unfortunately, lots of other people had the same idea. It took me a while to get home, but when I arrived there, I was too late," the black-haired man began to shake, but he managed to keep the car steady and his eyes from overflowing. "My family was dead. And I could do nothing to help them."
The blonde was silent as he gazed at his partner. The usually calm and collected man was trembling, and he could tell he was holding back tears. He knew it was taking a lot out of the black-haired man to tell him this, so he decided one good turn deserves another.
"I also lost my family," the blonde started which caught his partner's attention. "Before the virus struck, I had my parents. They were the best things that ever happened to me. One day, I'm sitting at home reading some manga, and I hear a commotion outside. I looked out the window and I saw people running around, some of them were being chased by people with red eyes. I also saw people on the ground being eaten alive. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, so I called my mom and dad, but there was no signal. I could only sit in my home and wait for them to show up. After a few hours, I finally saw them, and I rushed out the door to meet them, but before I could, I noticed that behind them was a large horde. I urged them to run as fast as they could, but I could tell they were tired. They kept running, but it was no use. The zombies caught up to them and piled on top of them. I couldn't see it, but their screams let me know that they were being devoured. I would've stayed outside, but one of the zombies broke off and chased after me. I ran back into the house, closed the door, and blocked it with a cabinet," the blonde was now sniffling, but his eyes were hardened. "Zombies took away my parents right in front of me."
The black-haired man pulled the truck to a stop and met his gaze with the blonde. They both could tell that they went through hell because of this virus. The most important people to them were gone and are never coming back. As they peered into each other's souls, they reached an unspoken agreement.
They were going to survive.
"We got put through the grinder," the noirette stated. "And I bet lots of other people did, too. Now, every day we're busting our asses fighting zombies to make sure we see the next day. This type of lifestyle will make a man go crazy," he explained, and the blonde nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, that's why whenever something good comes along, we need to milk it for everything it's worth," the blonde advised. "Watch a beautiful sunrise, smell the flowers, savor a big ass bowl of ramen; you gotta enjoy the little things. They're not gonna come around as often." The noirette gave the blonde's words some thought before nodding in agreement and continuing their trek.
Those were some surprisingly wise words considering they came from someone who believed ramen should have its own religion. But I gotta give credit where credit is due.
Rule #32: Enjoy the Little Things.