"Just snogging?"
"Just snogging."
"Yet she asked you to stay the night."
"Correct."
"But only snogging."
"I assure you, that was all, Sirius," Remus said, sighing loudly.
"She told you how she felt, you told her how you felt, and all you got was snogging?" Sirius summarized, an incredulous look on his face.
"Yes," replied Remus, "Though I hardly think this merits a full investigation."
"Why didn't you," Sirius ventured, "shag her?"
"You know well why I didn't. Or rather, couldn't."
"Not this again, Moony. Not this nonsense. She knows you're a godforsaken, penniless werewolf. What was it this time?" Sirius looked exasperated. "I'm not the one in the relationship and I'm maddened for you," he added.
"What relationship?" Remus demanded. "There is no relationship to speak of."
"What is this, then?" Sirius asked.
"I-I'm not sure," Remus stammered. "It will be whatever she wants it to be while she can stand to be with me. Surely there can be no future."
"You think that my fair cousin wants this type of arrangement?" Sirius asked. "Not a proper relationship? You would do that to her?" There was coldness in his tone now.
"She's only 22 and for some reason she fancies me," replied Remus. "I hardly expect her to be thinking of marriage at her age, with her career. Once she realizes I'm a dead-end, it will end for me, as it always does." He sighed again, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Have you considered the possibility that you might be wrong, Remus?" asked Sirius.
"She may want a proper relationship, I admit," mused Remus. "That does not mean she can have a future with me. When she realizes this, it will be over."
"That's a load of shit, and you know it."
Remus felt himself grow angry. "It isn't, Padfoot," he hissed. "I cannot and will not condemn her to a life with me. I will make her happy while I can, and while she will have me. There will come a day when this is no longer the case and she will rid herself of me."
"So you'll fuck her and fuck around with her until she's bored?" Sirius asked, coldly.
"That's not what I said."
"That's what you implied."
"I will happily spend time with her whenever she wishes to have me," Remus explained. "I will not have sex with her unless she knowingly and intentionally chooses a future with me, which is impossible." Remus added, "I can't believe I have to tell you I won't be having sex with your cousin for you to understand how much I care for her."
"What if that's what she wants, mate? What if she wants to be with you and shag your sorry werewolf ass?"
"I'll tell her we must wait until we are married."
"She's not going to buy that shit."
"She'll have to," said Remus. "When she realizes I am serious, and she contemplates marriage to me and what it would entail…she will understand and she will gladly decline."
"You expect yourself to be celibate for the entirety of this charade?" asked Sirius.
"I've had 35 years of practice," muttered Remus. "A continuation of the present is no different to me."
"You mean to tell me that…" Sirius' voice trailed off, his face now incredulous.
"Yes, I am unfortunate enough to be a 35 year old virgin werewolf," admitted Remus. "No need to remind me."
"Blimey, really? All these years?"
"I couldn't be anything but honest with previous attempts."
"Meaning?"
"No one wants to sleep with you when they've learned you're a cursed half-breed. In fact, no one wants to stay anywhere near you when they've learned you're a cursed half-breed."
"You never lied?"
"Scars cover my body, Padfoot," sighed Remus. "That's difficult to explain without context. I'm fucking registered with the Ministry, too, and a lovely piece came out about me in The Daily Prophet as a newly resigned werewolf professor. Not exactly able to hide it, am I?"
"You've reached a new level of pathetic, you have," joked Sirius, now laughing.
"Says the housebound ex-convict partnered with a runaway hippogriff."
"Fine, call us even," Sirius settled. "So you're scared to be with her, huh?"
"If you must know, yes," admitted Remus. "That being said, I stand by my previous promise: I will not sleep with Tonks unless she has seriously thought through all the implications of what a life with me would entail. I don't want her throwing away her life on me."
"You're a bloody moron, you know that?" laughed Sirius.
"And you're a royal prat," said Remus. "I'm happy you're back, though."
"Me too, Moony. Me too."
…
A gentle, cool breeze coursed through Remus' Yorkshire cottage as he prepared himself for the evening's transformation. He had prepared his various healing potions, bandages, wraps, and a fresh pair of clothes for the morning after the transformation. It was a well-rehearsed ritual, broken only by writing a short letter.
T,
I hope you have reached Hogwarts safely by now. You're in my thoughts, always.
Yours,
R
P.S. I've asked Molly to check on Ophelia for you this week. I thanked her for you with some chocolate.
He had relished the opportunity to have his owl, Lyra, get to know her primary home at the cottage in Yorkshire, and to task her with sending a letter to Tonks, now much further than she had been before. He felt a rare sense of contentment in the midst of preparing for the full moon; for this moon, he would have someone waiting for his return.
…
The end of the week had arrived, and so had Remus, back to Grimmauld Place for the next few weeks. His transformation the night prior had been relatively typical. Fresh scars lined his arms and legs, with a gash in one leg deep enough that it led to him limping through Headquarters. Within a few days, he would be back to his relative "normal" and he would be able to participate in Order missions once again.
He sat on his ancient bed, going over his body once again to ensure he had attended to all his wounds. His inspection was broken by a thunderous screech from the end of the hallway:
FILTH! SCUM! TRAITORS ONE AND ALL! BESMIRCHING MY FAMILY TREE, MUDBLOODS IN THE THRESHOLD, HALF-BREEDS DARKENING THE HALLS-"
Remus heart various teenage boys struggle with the curtains, attempting to drown out Walburga Black's hideous sounds with the thick fabric. He heard a sound that made his heart flutter: Tonks.
"Why the fuck is that umbrella stand still there? One of these days, I'm going to burn that fucker off the face of the earth!" Tonks' colorful language crept a smile over Remus' face. Her irreverence and clumsiness were truly part of her charm. Moments later, a soft rap-rap-rap was heard at the door.
"Come in!" called Remus.
Tonks was rushing through the threshold of the room, slamming the door behind her. She leapt onto Remus to squeeze him in a tight hug, pushing him further on the bed.
"Urgh," said Remus. "Gentle, please."
Tonks looked at him, gasped, and flew backwards.
"Day after a transformation, Tonks," explained Remus. "Typical for me."
"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you, I promise!" Tonks' eyes were wide and filled with guilt. The sight made Remus feel lightheaded; it was lovely to see her care for him.
"Can I help you with anything, Remus?" asked Tonks.
"Not at all, Tonks," replied Remus. "Decades of practice have helped considerably."
Tonks eyed him from head to toe. "Alright, then," she huffed. "If you insist that you do not need help, then I will give you your present."
"A present?" Remus asked. "You really shouldn't have, Tonks."
"Nonsense," said Tonks. "I know you'll like it." Tonks turned around to dig into her rucksack. She pulled out a few packages and presented them to Remus. They bore the same message: Honeydukes.
"Tonks," he said, weakly. "This is too much."
"It's the least I can do after you cleaned my flat and prepared me dinner on Monday. I'd been thinking of a way to thank you all week!" Tonks beamed at him.
"Allow me to share with you, then," suggested Remus.
"I expected no less from you, Remus," said Tonks. She opened up one of the packages from Honeydukes and split off a slab of some of their finest chocolate for them to share.
"This might be one of the best post-transformation days I've had in a while," mused Remus.
Tonks was beaming. Even her hair – a cascading sheet of golden locks – radiated joy from where she sat, enjoying chocolate with Remus.
"When can you come over again?" asked Tonks. "I think Ophelia missed you this week," she added. "So did I," she breathed.
"I missed you too, Tonks," he murmured. "Give me a few days to recover and I'll join you there. I'll let you know when I'm ready."
…
It was early the following week when Remus felt strong enough to Apparate to Tonks' flat. Though he could have traveled before, he never enjoyed the accidental splinching when he had been wrong about travel before. He didn't want to become more bloodied than he already had been, so he safely waited until Tonks had finished with work for him to stop by her flat.
He ascended the stairs to the landing that would reach her door. He knocked on it softly, and within moments, Tonks was ready to welcome him into her flat. "Wotcher, Remus!" she said, brightly. This evening, she was wearing a shirt cut in such a way that Remus could see her shoulders and navel; she wore cropped pants that came down to mid-knee. Her hair was in its usual bubblegum pink, shorn on the sides and back, with the top of her head adorned with a pink quiff.
"Good evening, Tonks," he said. "How are you?"
"So much better now that you're here," she said. "Please, sit. I've made us dinner!"
"Have you?" asked Remus, a tone of amusement coloring his speech.
"I have indeed," retorted Tonks. "I think it's edible and everything!"
"I'll be the judge of that, dear," said Remus. The "dear" had slipped out without intending it. He hoped she had missed it.
"Dear, am I?" she asked, eyes twinkling.
"You are dear to me, Tonks," said Remus. "Very dear indeed."
Tonks beamed widely at him and returned to the kitchen, from where she produced two plates full of fresh pasta.
"Enjoy!" she said, excitedly fidgeting over the dish she had made them.
Remus took a few bites and found it difficult to continue easily. The dish had, at one time, been edible pasta. By now it reminded him of too-soggy cereal. Still, he took bite after unappetizing bite, unwilling to disappoint Tonks. She was eating slowly as well, lost in her thoughts.
"How were the elves this week?" asked Remus, over a particularly gelatinous blob of pasta.
"It was so much fun!" exclaimed Tonks. "There were two very interesting elves there. One was by the name Winky. She belonged to the Crouches but she now works for Hogwarts. In terrible shape, poor thing. Now that her masters are dead – or soulless, for the younger one – she feels so lost." She continued, "There was another fascinating elf named Dobby! He had been the elf of my aunt and cousin, the Malfoys!"
"Really?" asked Remus. "What was he able to tell you?" Remus was finally choking down the last bit of disappointment, disguised as a tomato sauce.
"The Malfoys have really fascinating inner dealings. Dumbledore knew all of this, of course," said Tonks. "Harry Potter was able to free Dobby a few years ago and now Dobby is employed at Hogwarts and earning a Galleon a month. He had such admiration for Harry and his friends. It was one of the most charming assignments I've ever done." She was grinning now, over a plate of nearly untouched food.
"Were they able to tell you anything you didn't already know?" asked Remus.
"Not really. Dumbledore had ordered them to speak most highly of the students and how much they enjoyed pleasing the students. I'd told Alfie as much. Those elves always sent me and my friends packing with snacks any time we liked," responded Tonks.
"Have they given you the next assignment yet?" asked Remus.
"Not till Monday," replied Tonks. "I have a hunch it'll be werewolves next though, now that the full moon is over."
Remus' face scrunched into anxiety.
"I can't believe you ate this," Tonks said, trying to change the subject. "This is truly terrible."
"I didn't want to offend you," said Remus. "Though admittedly this is not the worst meal I've ever had."
"That's saying something," pondered Tonks.
"The life of a derelict werewolf," stated Remus. "Speaking of which, do you know what they have planned for you?"
"They mentioned a few werewolves they were aware of," said Tonks, "but they didn't specify any names."
"Werewolves are surprisingly hard to find, especially if they're not registered," said Remus. "Most aren't registered, you see. Registration makes it even harder to find a job or live semi-peacefully. Once someone gets bitten, it's better to go into hiding than to register with the Ministry."
"I'm guessing you're registered?" mused Tonks.
"I was registered when I was four years old," replied Remus. "I've never been able to escape it. My father worked for the Ministry, so he had no choice. I wouldn't be surprised at all if I were on the list to investigate. They'll likely start you on registered werewolves, but that would be a dead-end. Anything Death Eaters offer is going to sound better than what the Ministry currently offers."
"What do you think Death Eaters will offer werewolves?" asked Tonks.
"What they offered before," replied Remus. "Supposedly a better life under Voldemort's power, but it's all lies. Voldemort and his followers hate half-breeds and Dark creatures even more than the Ministry does."
"Why would anyone fall for that?" asked Tonks. "Can't they see it's a lie?"
"How can it possibly be worse for most werewolves?" retorted Remus. "No job prospects, no education, and second-class citizenship? Again, how could it possibly get worse? For most werewolves, they can't imagine it being worse than it already is for them. I may be one of the only ones that sees a different future, but that future is still far away, likely beyond my lifespan."
"What does that mean for us, then?" asked Tonks. "What kind of future do you imagine for us, if these changes won't happen any time soon?"
"You mean, if they happen at all," stated Remus. "The odds are stacked against me and anyone like me."
"I asked you what you thought it meant for us, Remus," reminded Tonks.
"I'm not certain there is an us, Tonks. I'm certain there can never be an us," Remus sighed, with finality.
"We like each other. Why can't there be an us?" Tonks' voice was filled with pain.
"I've told you before, Tonks," said Remus, steadily. "There is a reason I told you I don't date, and that I see no possibility in marriage. The life of a werewolf is inherently lonely. I could never saddle someone else with that responsibility and shame."
"But you have feelings for me," breathed Tonks.
"This is true."
"And I have feelings for you."
"Astonishingly, yes."
"And you don't want to do anything about that?" asked Tonks.
"What could possibly be done?" replied Remus.
"Did that kiss mean nothing to you?" Tonks demanded.
"Of course it meant something to me," responded Remus. "It was one of the happiest moments I've had in recent memory, however pathetic that may sound to you. You wanting me here with you, for reasons I will never comprehend, gives me a joy I never thought I could have."
Tonks stared at him, mouth open in surprise. Before she could speak again, Remus continued, "But to act any further on this would be an insult to you. I couldn't do that to you, Tonks. I cannot, in good conscience, subject you to a life with me. I cannot make you an outcast. I will not be the reason you lose your job by associating with me. I will not be the one to take away the wonderful future you so rightly deserve. I will spend time with you as long as you are willing to have me, but I cannot give you any semblance of a proper relationship. I'm truly sorry."
Tonks brow was furrowed, deep in thought. She finally asked, "What did I tell you after we kissed?"
"That we would go slowly," replied Remus.
"Is this your idea of going slowly?" asked Tonks. "To discuss a non-existent future before we can even begin one?"
"I need you to understand the implications of a relationship with me," said Remus. "Surely that cannot be something you desire."
"You think I just want to snog and shag you, is it?" asked Tonks, angrier now than she had been before. "You think I want to do that to you? To myself? Do you think I have that little self-respect?"
"That's not at all what I meant."
"Is this what you see this as?" asked Tonks, her voice now on edge. "A playful distraction in between episodes of wallowing in self-pity?"
"No, Tonks," replied Remus. "Never."
"What the fuck were you thinking, then?" demanded Tonks. "Why bother telling me how you felt at all?"
"I should go," stated Remus.
"No you won't, Remus Lupin," ordered Tonks. "You are going to stay here and tell me what this is all about. You're being ridiculous."
"I'm being ridiculous?" Remus asked, incredulously. "I'm telling you, in no uncertain terms, that this is an unbelievably terrible, dangerous idea, and I'm being ridiculous?"
"I don't get a say in the matter?" asked Tonks, nostrils flaring with rage. "Do you think I'm that foolish? Do you think I haven't thought this through?"
"No. You haven't thought this through at all," replied Remus, bitterly. "You wouldn't be throwing your life away so willingly on me if you had thought this through."
Tonks shook with fury. "Do you have any idea how infuriating you are?"
"If that's the reason you need to keep me away from you, then so be it."
"I never said I wanted marriage and babies, Remus," she said. "I wanted us to go slowly and to try at a relationship. Evidently even that is offensive to you." Her anger was now showing more deeply; her eyes were tearing up.
Remus' heart sank. He wanted her to be happy, truly happy. For unknowable reasons, she wanted him to be with her. For knowable reasons, he did not want to cure her into a life with him. He had been presumptuous in assuming what she wanted. They could try at a relationship, albeit one with firm boundaries. They could try being with one another. She will eventually tire of me when she realizes the toll this takes on her, he thought, but he could give her the best relationship he could offer until that point. Her happiness was everything to him.
"I'm sorry," whispered Remus. "For everything."
Tonks looked up at him, eyes still watering, tears now running down her cheeks.
"Being sorry doesn't take away the hurt you've caused me," said Tonks.
"I am sorry for hurting you," said Remus. "I see now that I've been terribly wrong."
Tonks was still crying in the armchair. Remus wanted nothing more than to hold her, soothe her, and make the pain go away as soon as he could.
"May I ask you something, Tonks?" Remus ventured.
"Are you going to insult me again?" spat Tonks.
"No."
"Fine. Ask away."
"I know I'm a fool."
"That's not a question."
"But I wanted to ask if you really did want to try at a relationship," said Remus. "Is this something you want? Would it make you happy?"
"I've already told you this," said Tonks, now sitting up, wiping tears with her sleeve. "I told you I wanted to go slowly. I thought I had made it clear to you that I wanted you."
"Please, Tonks," begged Remus. "I am trying to understand what you want. I will do whatever I can to make you happy."
"That's rich, coming from you," snorted Tonks. "Now you want to be noble, after insulting me and my intelligence?"
"I truly didn't understand you felt this way," said Remus. "I've been totally daft."
"That's an understatement."
"Now that I know how you truly feel," began Remus, "I would like to try a relationship with you. It's now obvious to me that I should have asked you this from the beginning."
"Now you want a relationship?" demanded Tonks. "What changed?"
"Tonks, I assumed you would never want anything more from me," explained Remus. "I was obviously wrong. I should have never assumed anything about you. I have seen myself, for far too long, through others' eyes. No one has ever wanted anything more from me. It seemed impossible that you, beautiful, brave, wonderful, you, would want anything more from me. If this is truly what you want and it would make you happy, I will do my very best. Please understand that this is all new to me. I have never had, as you'd call it, a proper relationship. I will give you whatever you want, as long as you are happy and safe. That is all that matters to me."