"What the fuck happened?" Sirius demanded. Remus was curled in the fetal position on the floor of the drawing room at Grimmauld Place, eyes red-rimmed with tears. He had arrived through the Floo and crumpled into a heap in the drawing room, sobbing loudly into the ancient carpet. This is where Sirius had found him, after Kreacher had gleefully alerted his Master that the "half-breed was in distress and bringing shame to the noble home."
"I-I don't know," Remus stammered. "She told me to leave, so I did."
"Why did she tell you to leave?" Sirius asked. "What did you do to her?"
"I was rude to her," Remus confessed. "A total prat." I never did deserve her, did I? Remus thought to himself. All things must come to an end, and I've fucked it up royally.
"What exactly did you tell her?" Sirius inquired.
"It was at the Order meeting," Remus explained. "When Dumbledore mentioned the meeting between Dora and Bellatrix, I lost it. I don't even know what happened, but Dora hadn't told me about it and I just couldn't handle it. She wanted to talk about it then, but I told her no, until I snapped at her and told her not to make her repeat myself. I triggered her panic attack." Remus began sobbing again, curling his head into himself and shaking.
"Mate," Sirius said gently. "You shouldn't have done that, but crying in a heap isn't going to help you."
"Just let me be miserable," Remus protested. "I've fucked it up and she asked me to leave."
"Did she break up with you?" Sirius ventured. Remus started sobbing violently again. It took several minutes for Remus to speak.
"Yes? I'm not sure," Remus confessed. "She told me to get out." Fresh tears started streaming down his face again. In between Remus' fresh sobs, Sirius heard a rapping at the window.
"There's an owl, hang on, Moony," Sirius muttered. Remus saw Sirius move towards the window and let the owl in. It was Callisto, the Tonks family owl.
"It's for you," Sirius said. "Two letters, actually. Want them?"
"Are they from Andromeda and Ted? I'm surprised they're not Howlers," Remus lamented. "I'd deserve them."
"No, actually," Sirius narrowed his eyes. "One from Ted and one from Tonks."
"Tonks wrote to me?!" Remus sat up quickly. "Give it to me." He snatched the letters out of Sirius' hands.
"Oi, easy, there Moony," Sirius hissed.
Remus didn't care. He tore open the first letter, the one from Tonks herself:
Remus,
Come back to the flat whenever you want. I'm staying with my parents for a while. Don't wait up.
N.A.T.
Remus' jaw dropped. Staying with her parents? Signing off the letter with her initials? No indication of her return. No indication of her feelings. The letter left him with more questions than answers. He let the letter fall to his side and tore open Ted's letter.
Remus,
Dora is safe at our home. I was terrified when she arrived at our front door. Unless you become a parent, the fear of seeing your child in tears is one you'll never understand. Dora told me what happened between the two of you, and what caused it. I'm disappointed in you, Remus, for hurting her. I'll have more words for you another time, but for now, you need advice: wait for Dora to come to you when she's ready. Give her space.
Ted
Ted's letter admonished Remus and gave him a way forward. It had not confirmed whether or not his relationship was over, but Remus had hope. Ted had asked him to give Dora space. As painful as the suggestion might be, he decided to follow it. Anything he could do to earn Dora's forgiveness would be well worth it.
"Read these," Remus told Sirius. "What do you think?" Sirius read through both letters quickly, an unreadable expression on his face.
"She's furious with you," Sirius finally said. "Absolutely livid."
"How could you possibly know that from that letter?" Remus demanded.
"Tonks has a good heart, Moony," Sirius said. "She's been as stupidly in love with you as you have with her. For her to have written so little..."
"What do I do?"
"Follow Ted's advice," Sirius concluded. "Give her space."
"And then what?" Remus asked.
"You wait, Moony," Sirius sighed. "You fucked up and you need to wait for her to forgive you, if she ever does."
"IF SHE EVER DOES?" Remus bellowed. "You think she won't?" Remus began to pace up and down the room.
"Sirius, she's my everything," Remus said, hanging his head. "I can't lose her. I just can't."
"I know, mate," Sirius said, resting his hands on Remus' shoulders. "It's not just your choice of whether or not you get to be together. She gets a choice, too."
Remus nodded in agreement, feeling utterly overwhelmed by the events of the last twenty-four hours.
"Can I stay here?" Remus asked.
"You don't want to go back to the flat?"
"It's painful to be there."
"She told you to go back."
"She also told me not to wait up."
"She'll want you there, mate," Sirius said. "When she's ready to go back to you, she'll want you there."
"Think she'll come back soon?" Remus asked.
"No," Sirius said. "I wouldn't expect her anytime soon."
Remus exhaled heavily. "I'll go, then." He gave Sirius a pitiful glance, and hung his head in shame, returning to the Floo to get back to the flat he hoped could continue sharing with Tonks.
Three weeks passed, and Remus had heard nothing from Tonks. The anxiety was weighing on him. The next Order meeting was expected that evening, and he didn't know if she'd be present. He was both dreading and hoping for the possibility. He longed to apologize to her; crumpled bits of parchment nearly filled the rubbish bin with attempts at written apologies. Nevertheless, he remained steadfast in following Ted's advice: Give Dora space.
It had been painful to be in the flat without her, especially now that he was living with Tonks. Unlike the absence they'd endured in January as a result of the Death Eater breakout, this absence had been imposed by Tonks herself. No messages, via owl or Patronus, came his way. He spent most of his days at Grimmauld Place when he knew Tonks would be at work; he returned in the evenings in the hopes that she might meet him there one day. She hadn't.
The Order meeting was quickly approaching; Remus glanced at the clock and realized it was now March. The full moon was approaching in days, and he'd spend his thirty-sixth birthday very likely alone a few days afterwards. An upcoming birthday had never felt so grim.
Remus gathered his things and Apparated to Grimmauld Place, feeling a knot of anxiety in his midsection. The last time he'd been here with Tonks – he couldn't think about it. He'd apologized to all the other Order members for the destruction in the wake of Tonks' panic attack. Though none of them knew it was his fault she'd panicked in the first place, he felt the need to apologize all the same. He'd let Molly believe it was from being overworked at the Ministry and the escape of Bellatrix; Remus didn't feel the need to correct her.
As soon as Remus entered the grimy foyer of Grimmauld Place, his ears were assaulted by Walburga Black's screeching. Sighing, he rushed to the staircase, where another pair of hands were already working on silencing the portrait. The portrait was finally quieted, and Remus looked to his side, where he saw Tonks' dark, twinkling eyes looking back at him. He was startled enough that he fell backwards into the stairs, prompting Tonks to attempt to help him, while falling on top of him in the process.
"We're back to this, are we?" Sirius barked teasingly. Remus glared at him as Tonks quickly lifted herself off Remus. She huffed in Sirius' face and rushed down the stairs to the kitchen.
"We most certainly aren't," Remus growled. "That's the first time I've seen her in weeks, and of course, I'm the one to trip."
"Let's just get through the meeting, yeah?" Sirius remarked. "We can discuss your coordination problems another time." Sirius rolled his eyes and pushed Remus in the direction of the stairs leading to the kitchen.
Remus looked at the kitchen, which was nearly filled with Order members. Tonks had not taken her usual seat near himself and Sirius; she sat across from Arthur, who glanced back at Remus and Tonks with a surprised look. Remus felt himself grow angry, and then despondent, but sat down in his usual spot next to Sirius. As soon as the two men were seated, Dumbledore began the meeting.
Remus barely listened to the Headmaster. He was focused entirely on Tonks, who seemed to be doing her best to avoid looking in his direction. Her hair was a mousy brown; that was its color when she was most tired or ill. Was she sick? Her skin was paler than usual and she had dark circles under her eyes. Either she hasn't been sleeping, or she didn't care to morph them, Remus thought. Why?
"Is that alright with you, Remus?" the Headmaster asked. Remus was pulled out of his thoughts and blushed.
"I'm terribly sorry, Albus," Remus quickly apologized. "I'm afraid I missed what you've asked of me." Albus looked at Remus with those piercing blue eyes and Remus willed himself to look into the scrutinizing orbs.
"I asked if you wouldn't mind monitoring the Hall of Prophecies this weekend, three nights in a row," Albus reiterated gently. "I'm afraid we are a bit tapped this week, and your cooperation in this will be most helpful with your upcoming scheduling conflict." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled kindly.
"Of course, Albus," Remus replied. Three nights in a row – not what he wanted, but he'd do whatever it took to help, especially considering his "scheduling conflict" meant he'd be an incapacitated or healing werewolf.
The rest of the meeting passed without Remus taking note of anything in particular. His eyes had been focused on Tonks; he figured he'd get notes from Sirius after the meeting. It was now coming to an end, and he saw Tonks' jaw twitching slightly from across the room. Dumbledore swept out of the kitchen and back to the Headmaster's office, along with the Hogwarts Order members. Molly took no time in serving the food she'd already made. Remus saw Molly approaching Tonks with a plate full of food, but Tonks refused.
"Not hungry, dear?" Molly asked Tonks worriedly.
"I've got to go," Tonks replied suddenly.
"Are you alright?" Molly asked, glancing back at Remus. Despite the commotion around him, Remus used his lupine hearing to focus on the conversation between Tonks and the matronly witch.
"I'm fine, Molly," Tonks sighed. "I need to go."
"If you need anything, dear, just write," Molly offered.
"Thanks," Tonks muttered in return. Remus held his breath, knowing Tonks would have to use the kitchen stairs on his right to get back up to Apparate out of Grimmauld Place. He hoped that she might talk to him, even if briefly, before heading his way. She surprised him when she did neither.
Tonks went to the fireplace instead to use the Floo. Remus couldn't help himself; she had called to travel to the flat, as it was one of the few places the Floo in Grimmauld Place was connected to. As Molly approached Remus with a plate full of food, he hastily refused.
"Are you off to see Tonks?" Molly queried.
"Um, yes," Remus responded.
"She didn't look very well, did she?" Molly noted. "Is she ill?"
"I'm not certain."
"Give her my best, Remus."
"Of course, Molly." Remus stepped towards the Floo but a strong hand landed on his shoulder and whipped him around: Sirius.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Sirius hissed. "You were told to give her space."
"She's gone back to the flat," Remus protested. "She'll be there."
"If she wants to see you, she'll see you," Sirius muttered. "Stay here."
"Please, just let me go," Remus begged. "I haven't seen her in weeks."
"No," Sirius' expression hardened. "Do you really think ambushing her is the right way to go, mate?"
Remus hung his head. "No, it's not," he replied sadly.
"Then sit through dinner and play nice with the others," Sirius commanded. "You can go when the others do."
"Okay," Remus reluctantly agreed. Tonks might still be in the flat, and he itched to see her again. Against his own wishes, he returned to the dining table and halfheartedly joined in the dinner conversation.
When Remus had returned to the flat after the Order meeting, Tonks was not there. She had been there, if her lingering scent had anything to say. She hadn't been there for long, and she hadn't left any other indication that she'd dawdled. Remus had been upset about it and cried softly in the bed, wondering when the ordeal would be over.
The next few days of monitoring the Hall of Prophecies went by uneventfully. Remus finished his duty, wondering who would care for Ophelia in his absence. He thought of Molly, but he didn't want her learning of Tonks' obvious absence from the flat. He was left with Andromeda or Ted. Remus decided to send a short note to Ted to ask if either he or his wife would be able to care for Tonks' cat during his 'scheduling conflict.' Ted sent a short reply in the affirmative, relieving Remus slightly. At least Ophelia would be cared after.
Remus Apparated to Grimmauld Place the morning of the full moon, dreading this moon more than any other. He still hadn't heard from Tonks. Sirius had tried his best in consoling him, but the fact of the matter remained: Tonks had not spoken to him since just after the last full moon, and there was no end in sight. Were they still together? Were they broken up? Were they taking time? Remus didn't know.
"C'mon, Moony," Sirius gestured to the cellar stairs of Grimmauld Place. "It's time."
Remus shuffled towards the stairs and began undressing to await moonrise. Sirius had already transformed into Padfoot and sat at the bottom of the steps of the cellar, awaiting the werewolf's transformation. Remus sat in the corner of the cellar with his head pressed against his knees, dreading yet another full moon. As the minutes passed, the shaking, chills, and pain began. Before he knew it, he was gone and the werewolf took his place.
"Is this my fault?" a familiar, feminine voice called.
"No," a male voice responded.
"I destroyed him," the feminine voice quivered. "This has to be my fault."
"It's not," the male voice said, more gently.
Remus gingerly flicked his eyes open and saw Tonks and Sirius standing at the foot of his bed. He hurt all over. Several broken ribs, throbbing gashes, and what he was certain was a black eye, as one eye was painfully difficult to keep open.
"T-Tonks?" he croaked. "Pa-Padfoot?" He struggled to speak; evidently he'd damaged his vocal chords, or maybe he'd injured his throat or neck. He found he couldn't move his neck, so he assumed it was the latter.
"You're pretty badly hurt, Remus," Tonks said in a low voice. "I'm sorry."
"N-not – your – f-f-fault," he stammered hoarsely.
"I'll leave you to it," Sirius muttered in Tonks' direction. He limped out of the room and closed the door behind him.
"He's been better," Tonks informed. There was a pregnant pause before Tonks began speaking again.
"Remus, I'm so sorry," she apologized. "I should never have cut you out like that."
"S'okay," Remus forced himself to say.
"Please, let me speak," Tonks said, gently. "You've been hurt and I don't want you to make it any worse." Remus nodded faintly, struggling to keep his eyes open.
"Close your eyes if you'd like," Tonks insisted. "Sirius gave you a black eye trying to control you last night." She took one of Remus' hands in her own, and Remus closed his eyes, overwhelmed and grateful for the physical contact with her.
"Squeeze my hand a bit every now and then to let me know you're listening, yeah?" Tonks requested. Remus gave her hand a light squeeze, and Tonks continued.
"I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for not speaking with you sooner," she said. "I'm still hurt by what you said and how you said it, but I forgive you." Remus squeezed her hand as tightly as he could. What in Sweet Circe's name had he done to deserve her, again?
"I talked a lot with my parents about it," Tonks explained further. "They're not happy you upset me, but they also told me it came out of a place of love." Remus stroked his thumb on the back of Tonks' hand, eager to hear more.
"I know you're tired, but I wanted to tell you what happened between me and Bellatrix," Tonks said softly. "I want to be honest with you, but I also need you to understand how I feel. Our relationship will never work if you don't understand how it makes me feel when you react so poorly." Remus kept stroking the back of Tonks' hand, feeling his heart rate increasing. There was a chance the relationship could work. He had to make it work with her.
Tonks exhaled heavily, allowing Remus to inhale her sweet scent. Good Godric, he'd missed that scent. If it hadn't been for his injuries, he'd have embraced her tightly, trying to intoxicate himself in her sweetness.
"When the breakout first happened, I was assigned with Alfie to Rabastan Lestrange," Tonks began. "I did the research quickly and Alfie didn't know what he was doing, so he chose for us to go to Lestrange Manor first." Remus felt the anger welling, but felt glad, for the first time, that he was injured. Being confined to the bed likely made it easier for Tonks to speak.
"We got there and didn't find Rabastan," Tonks elaborated. "We found Rodolphus, my uncle. He was a little nasty with me, but nothing I couldn't handle. Alfie came around after exploring the grounds, and that's when Bellatrix arrived. She was brutal. She crucio'ed me twice before Kings and the other Aurors showed up." Remus squeezed Tonks' hand, worry, anxiety, and anger all swirling in his heart. How dare she? How dare Bellatrix touch his beloved Dora?
"Bellatrix got away, of course, and that's when they assigned me to Azkaban," Tonks explained. "I didn't tell you about Bellatrix at first because I was afraid you'd react poorly. I realize now I should've told you right away, because you found out through Dumbledore." Tonks took in a deep breath, steeling herself for her next comments. Remus' heart was beating erratically in response.
"When I asked to talk that night and you told me no," Tonks said slowly, "I started to get worried. I was trying to calm you down, but it didn't work. When you snapped at me, I felt really small. I felt disrespected. I just didn't understand why you would talk to me like that." Tonks sighed again. "I thought you hated me," she said softly. "You didn't say anything, so I panicked," Tonks continued. "I thought you were going to end things with me, or maybe even hurt me." Her voice sounded very weak and melancholy. Remus felt the tears at the corner of his eyes; had she really thought he would hurt her? Never had he felt so ashamed of himself or something he'd said.
"I knew, later, that it was just the panic talking," Tonks explained, as Remus squeezed her hand with everything he had. "But it hurt so much to think about at the time."
"The next day when I woke up, you acted as if nothing had happened," Tonks continued, her voice now a little stronger. "As if you hadn't treated me like a child. As if you were right to treat me like that." Her voice wavered, and Remus didn't need to open his eyes to know silent tears were falling down her face, too.
"Remus," she called. "I know you were angry with me and I know it worried you, but you need to understand that when you spoke to me like that, I didn't feel safe. I love you so much, but I can't be with someone who doesn't make me feel safe." The tears rolled down Remus' cheeks in earnest now; this was one of the worst moments of his pitiful existence, or so he thought.
"I know you're new at relationships," Tonks said, her voice still trembling. "I don't want to let you go. I want to be with you. I need you to promise me that you'll work harder on this." Remus felt a glimmer of hope in his chest and he squeezed Tonks' hand again in agreement.
"I'm a forgiving person," Tonks said. "I like to think I'm not overreacting, but I have a line, and that line has been crossed before. I never thought you would be the one to cross it again." Remus squeezed her hand and stroked the back of her hand with his thumb.
"I'm not blameless, I know," she explained. "I should've told you about what happened. I should've been honest from the start. I should've spoken with you sooner about how I felt. I know that my absence was hard on you; I saw it in your eyes and face at the last Order meeting. I see it now in your brokenness." Her voice quaked again. "I hate knowing I did this to you," she finally said.
Remus attempted to shake his head; yes, she'd been the reason for his despondency, and yes, the wolf was most unhappy about the absence and its emotional turmoil. Never could he blame Tonks for this; he had hurt her.
"I'm going to go home to our flat," she said softly. "To pick up where we left off, if you want. I know we hurt each other, but I love you, Remus, and I want to make this work." Remus felt the tears streaming down his face in happiness; she was willing to give him another chance!
"When you're healed enough, come home to me," Tonks murmured. "I'll wait for you there. Sleep now, love." She kissed his forehead, and the sensation sent shivers down his spine. I can't believe she forgave me, Remus thought. I have never, and will never deserve this witch.
Tonks slowly got off the bed and tipped a potion down Remus' throat – Dreamless Sleep. The sweet liquid trickled down into his belly, and a soothing, calming sensation entered his consciousness. Moments later, he was out.
It was the day before Remus' thirty-sixth birthday. He had finally been cleared by Sirius to leave his sick bed at Grimmauld Place. Tonks had dropped by on occasion after work in the last few evenings, and they were able to catch up on how they felt and how they wanted to proceed with their relationship. Both promised each other honesty; Tonks promised she'd be more forthright about anything she thought might worry Remus, and Remus promised he would think more deeply before reacting to Tonks. Remus felt more confident in his relationship, albeit more nervous; it was clear he had fucked up beyond his imagination in speaking so condescendingly to her. He vowed never to hurt her like that again.
Remus' birthday was on a Sunday, and forgivingly (or so he hoped), the Tonkses had invited him for Sunday tea for the first time in over a month. He wanted the forgiveness of Tonks' parents almost as much as he had wanted Tonks' forgiveness.
Remus took the Floo from the kitchen of Grimmauld Place and shook the soot off as he entered the flat he shared with Tonks. It was considerably messier than he had left it several days prior; Tonks had not spared any time in reclaiming the space as her own through messes, clutter, and general disorder. Remus smiled to himself in spite of the mess; it meant his Dora was truly home.
"Remus!" called Dora. "You're home." She smiled up at him and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm glad you're here," she said, looking up at him affectionately.
"I love you so much," Remus said, taking her into his arms and clutching her tightly against his frame. "I missed this."
"I missed this, too," Tonks said quietly. "I think Ophelia missed you as well." Tonks gestured to one of the mismatched armchairs, where the feline was perched. Upon seeing Remus, the cat tumbled down from its perch and wrapped her body happily around Remus' legs. "Little monster loves you too," Tonks grinned.
"Can I kiss you?" Remus blurted. He hadn't meant for the request to come out so soon or so suddenly, but he had been desperate for physical affection. The last few days at Grimmauld Place had been somewhat sterile, with handholding and chaste kisses on one another's cheeks, forehead, or hands. Though he was grateful for any affection Tonks chose to bestow upon him, he longed to feel her embrace more fully.
"Yeah," Tonks smiled up at him. Remus bent his head down towards her put his hands on either side of her face, weaving his fingers in her now canary yellow hair. He hesitated slightly before placing his lips on hers. It started as a soft, featherlight kiss, tentative and shy. When Tonks began kissing him in return, he enthusiastically and passionately brought her body close to his own, kissing her with more need and want. In between breaths, he placed soft kisses along Tonks' jawline, on her nose, on her cheeks, and on her forehead.
"I love you, Dora," Remus breathed. "I love you more than I could possibly say."
"I know, Remus," Tonks cheekily replied. "I love you too." Remus began kissing her in earnest again, his swollen lips meeting her own as they parted lips and explored one another's mouths with their tongues. She moaned and whimpered lightly as Remus had brought one of his hands to the small of her back, placing her body flush against his. As Remus felt the throbbing sensation in his trousers, he let go of Tonks' mouth; his desire would betray him. Not yet, he thought. Not until she wants to.
"We should eat, Dora," he murmured.
"Come to bed with me first," Tonks said softly.
"Are you sure?" Remus asked, gobsmacked. "So soon? Are you sure it's alright?"
"Maybe we won't do everything," Tonks suggested. "I do want to touch you, and I want you to touch me." She shimmied out of her own pants and shirt, leaving her with just her bra and knickers.
"Join me?" Tonks asked, as she went behind the screen to the unmade bed. After enjoying one another's bodies, they lay, panting and sweating in her bed.
"Bloody hell," he breathed. "How did I get so lucky?"
"It's your birthday tomorrow," Tonks said abruptly. "I have a few presents for you-"
"-you really didn't have to get me anything," Remus interrupted. "Being back here with you is gift enough."
"Be that as it may, Remus," Tonks said. "I didn't want to forget you on your birthday. There is one gift I could give you early, if you'd like?"
"Up to you, Dora," Remus said. "As I mentioned, you really didn't have to give me anything at all. If you want to give me something today instead of tomorrow, it's up to you."
Tonks appeared as though she were deep in thought. "I'll give it to you tomorrow, I think," she decided. "For now, let's eat, yeah?"
"Yeah," Remus happily obliged. "I'll cook for us," he announced, pressing a quick kiss on Tonks' forehead before dressing himself and heading to the kitchen, glad to finally be at home with his witch.