Soft, bright lights clouded Tonks' vision. Her eyes were fluttering open, and she was slowly regaining consciousness. Her head throbbed. Her legs felt achy and wobbly. Pain seemed to be radiating from her abdomen and sides. Had she broken her ribs? What had happened? The Department of Mysteries! Remus! Harry! Sirius!
Tonks attempted to sit up, but the pain was overwhelming. She winced and lay back in the bed.
"Nymphadora!" her mother called. "You're finally awake!" Andromeda rushed towards her daughter, concern visible in her eyes. I must've been really hurt if mum's this concerned.
"Wh-what happened?" Tonks stammered. "Where am I?"
"You're at St. Mungo's, sweetheart," Ted said gently. "You were very badly hurt in battle."
"Where's Remus?" asked Tonks. Ted and Andromeda looked at each other knowingly, as Ted sat back down.
Andromeda hesitated. "Remus isn't coming, Nymphadora," she said softly.
"Is it," Tonks furrowed her brow, thinking of the day – the full moon was a week and a half away, had she been out that long? "Is it his, err, scheduling conflict?" Tonks mumbled, unsure if anyone else was in the room.
"No," Andromeda replied. "He's been sent on a mission and had to leave. I've been caring for Ophelia in his absence."
"Do you know when he'll be back?" Tonks said. "I need to know he's okay. Did Sirius make it out? The kids? Please, tell me everyone's alright," she begged.
"We're not certain when Remus will return," Andromeda said carefully. "He left a letter for you in your flat."
"Can you bring it to me, please? I want to read it, then," Tonks said impatiently.
"Your head has been hurt badly, sweetheart," Ted interrupted. "Wait until you're rested. The letter can wait."
"Fine, but what about Sirius? The kids?" Tonks looked at her parents worryingly.
"The kids made it out safely," Andromeda began evenly, but her chin quivered slightly, alarming Tonks.
"What happened?" Tonks demanded.
"Sirius died, sweetheart," Ted said softly.
"NO!" Tonks shouted. "No, no, no, he can't! He couldn't! It's a mistake! Oh, Remus, that was his best mate! No, no, no!" Tonks felt the tears coming and was powerless to stop them from tumbling down onto the thin hospital sheets.
"It's true, Nymphadora," Andromeda murmured. "I'm very sorry, too." Andromeda dabbed at the corner of her eyes, clearly distraught over the loss of her cousin so soon after they had finally reconnected.
"Who did it?" Tonks asked. "I need to know."
"Your aunt," Andromeda replied quietly. "She stunned him, and he fell through the Veil."
"FUCK! FUCK HER! I SHOULD HAVE KILLED HER WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!" Tonks bellowed. Several footsteps hurried towards the door of Tonks' room, bursting through the threshold with worried faces.
"Is Miss Tonks alright?" a Healer asked.
"We heard shouting," another Healer added.
"NO, I'M NOT FUCKING ALRIGHT," Tonks yelled. "MY FUCKING AUNT KILLED MY COUSIN!"
Ted looked sheepishly at the Healers, apologetic for his daughter's outbursts.
"Might a Calming Draught help, Miss Tonks?" the first Healer asked.
"Unless it can bring back my cousin from the dead, then no," Tonks replied bitterly, crossing her arms over her chest and wincing when the pain reached her nerves.
"Pain Relief?" the second Healer offered. Tonks nodded as fresh tears fell down her face. Within moments, the Healers brought her several vials of potions.
"This one for pain," the first Healer directed. "These three, for your injuries," the second Healer explained. "This one, if you'd like, is a Draught of Peace," the first Healer gently suggested. "We'll leave you to it. Please, Miss Tonks, consider a silencing charm next time. Your outburst…frightened us."
Tonks rolled her eyes and sank back into the hospital mattress. "He's really gone, isn't he?" Tonks asked sadly.
"We're sorry, sweetheart," Ted said.
"It's just not fair," Tonks cried. "He had barely any time out of Azkaban, and he dies? Fuck Bellatrix. I'm going to murder her."
"Nymphadora!" Andromeda cried sharply. "Do not let his death lead you to become a murderer."
"But it's my fault he died, mum! If I had been a better dueler, if I'd been faster, I could've stopped her! If I'd just had the drive to kill her right then!" Tonks was distraught. If she hadn't occupied so much of Bellatrix's time – Remus had come to her aid, too – if she'd simply killed Bellatrix from the beginning, she would never had the chance to stun and kill Sirius. If she hadn't needed Remus' help, he could have protected Sirius. It was her own bloody fault that Sirius had died…
"Don't blame yourself for his death, Dora," Ted assured. "You did the best you could. This is no one's fault but Bellatrix's."
"If I ever see her again, I am going to destroy her," Tonks vowed. "I will not let her live freely so long as I'm alive."
"We hope that's a very long time, Dora," Ted soothed. "For now, you need to heal. Your healers say you can go home tomorrow, if you're doing well enough. Scrimgeour gave you a week off for your injuries. You've already been here four days."
Tonks stared blankly at her father. It had been four days, and Remus was not there. Where had Dumbledore sent him?
…..
"Miss Tonks," Healer Shafiq. "Good to see you again, although I wish we had met under different circumstances."
"Lay it on me, Shafiq," Tonks sighed. "Can I go home yet?" Healer Shafiq smiled kindly at Tonks.
"Yes, you may," he assented. "Light duty work for the next four to six weeks, Miss Tonks. I've already alerted Auror Scrimgeour of my recommendations."
"Bollocks," Tonks said. "Light duty means desk work. I fucking hate paperwork."
"Be that as it may," Healer Shafiq said. "You nearly died again after the injuries you sustained in the Department of Injuries. Internal bleeding, punctured lungs, broken bones, multiple lacerations – it is very much a miracle you're alive right now. Tell your friend he saved your life."
"Remus?" Tonks asked, brightening at the mention of him.
"The tall one who brought you in," Shafiq said. "The one who's been here before."
"That's Remus," Tonks smiled. "He saved my life? Really?"
"He brought you in. If he hadn't done so as quickly, we would not be having this conversation," Shafiq said solemnly.
"I'll be sure to thank him, then," Tonks beamed. "I can really go home?"
"Yes," Shafiq grinned. "Your parents left you a change of clothing there—" Shafiq gestured to a neat pile of clothing sitting on the hospital chair opposite her bed. "As soon as you've changed, you'll be free to leave."
"Thank you, Healer Shafiq," Tonks smiled. "I mean this in the best of ways, but I hope I never see you again."
"I understand," Shafiq chuckled. "Enjoy your day, Miss Tonks." Tonks beamed and rushed out of the bed, eager to put on her own clothing and return to her flat, hoping Remus would be waiting for her.
…..
"Remus?" Tonks asked softly as she stepped out of the Floo to the flat. She looked around and something felt wrong. The flat felt different; it felt emptier. Tonks looked over at her sofa, where Ophelia was stretched out, snoozing lazily. Her mum had indeed been caring for the cat, as Ophelia barely bothered to acknowledge Tonks' presence.
Tonks looked around the small flat, feeling more uncomfortable by the minute. The flat just didn't feel…normal. There was something missing. Someone missing. The letter! Her mother had mentioned that Remus had left a letter before going on his mission. Tonks frantically tore through the flat, trying to find the letter. She'd spent ten minutes anxiously searching for the letter, only to find a bit of parchment underneath Ophelia's fluffy frame.
"You little monster, hiding Remus' letter from me," Tonks scolded the cat. Tonks tore through the seal of the letter and began to read:
Dear Dora,
If you're reading this letter, it means you're finally home from your stay at St. Mungo's. I can't tell you how worried I was to see you so broken. I hope that if you're reading this letter, you are home, healthier, and stronger. I wish you a speedy, full recovery.
It pains me greatly to write this letter, and I hope you'll understand why I had to do it. Dora, I love you more than I knew I could love anyone. You must know this. You must know that what I write, what I chose, I did because I love you. If I loved you any less, I would never have chosen this.
I have chosen to end our relationship. It breaks my heart to do so. I despise the idea of hurting you, but please, I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.
Dora, I saw your duel with your aunt. She was vicious. Heartless. Abhorrent. All her insults were directed at me. She knew we were together. I suspect Fenrir has joined Voldemort's ranks and has relayed the news of our relationship to her. There's no other explanation.
I stood by, unable to stop the pain she caused you. I stood by and failed you. I fought, but it wasn't enough. I cast every spell I could muster, but still, I failed you. I failed to protect you. I realized, in that moment, that I had placed you in greater danger than I had ever imagined by being with you. I never realized that you being with me – and what I am – would involve danger beyond the full moon. Your aunt was nothing short of cruel to you. If I had lost you forever – I cannot. I cannot imagine this. I could never have lived with myself.
I love you, but I cannot be with you any longer. I cannot put you in any more danger because of my own selfish desire to call you mine. You deserve better. You deserve someone else. You deserve someone who won't threaten your life merely by association. Please understand that I do this out of love for you and deep disgust for what I am and what that means for you. I know you don't care, but I do. I care that my condition puts a target on your back, not just in our world, but with your aunt. I cannot – I will not - be the reason your beautiful, wonderful, amazing life will be cut short. Dora, it pains me that I will no longer be able to call you mine, but know that all I do is to keep you alive and well. I will die happily alone if you live a long, happy life, free from the constraints of my condition.
Do not attempt to contact me. I have given Lyra specific instructions to refuse any letter sent to me. I will be going undercover with others like me in order to convince them to join the Light. It will be dangerous for you to attempt any communication with me during this time.
Dora, I wish you the very best life can offer. I am sorry I put you in so much danger.
Yours,
RJL
P.S. The penchant I had given you is no longer in your possession. I removed it, and the magic associated with it, so that you will not be able to find me.
Tonks read the letter. Tonks reread the letter. Tonks reread the letter enough times that she had memorized its contents. She had read the words, understood the words, but felt a hollow, cold chill seep into her bones. A knot gathered in her stomach, feeling cold and heavy in her abdomen. Her head felt light; she heard a soft ringing in her ears. The room began spinning; a panic attack. She was having a panic attack.
Tonks mustered her will and shuffled past the screen to fall down on her bed, curling herself into the fetal position as the panic threatened to take over her body. The room was still spinning. Tears were falling from her face, dripping past her nose and onto the covers. Her jaw was tight and clenched, but the rest of her body was shaking and shuddering with tremors.
Tonks began breathing. Her breaths were short and ragged, and she struggled to even them. She inhaled and exhaled rhythmically as the room began to right itself. The ringing in her ears became fainter. The tears were beginning to dry. The lead in her stomach remained stubborn, as did the chill deep in her bones. Her breathing stilled to an even pace.
Tonks realized she was still clutching Remus' letter. It was crumpled in her hand, now stained with blotches, courtesy of the tears she had spilled on the parchment. Tonks let her fist open, allowing the letter to fall to the ground. Tonks lay there, curled up, for the evening. It wasn't until daybreak, the following day, that she comprehended the new reality: Remus Lupin would no longer be her boyfriend.
…..
"Nymphadora," Andromeda began cautiously. "You aren't taking care of yourself."
"Who gives a toss, mum?" Tonks said grouchily. "I'm going to work and eating. Everything else can go fuck itself."
"You may be eating and doing your job," Andromeda began gently, "but your flat is a mess. Ophelia's dishes are piling up. You've no clean clothes or fresh food. You're not taking care of yourself."
"Remus used to do those things," Tonks snapped. "He's not here, and it's not as if I'm any good at these things."
Andromeda hesitated. "Do you know what your next mission will be, Nymphadora?"
"No," Tonks replied sullenly. "With my luck I'll be doing desk work until I die." Tonks buried her face in her hands, feeling pathetic. Since when had she been this miserable after a breakup? Oh yeah, since Remus had been the love of her life.
"Leave me be, mum," Tonks growled. "I don't need this."
"Nymphadora," Andromeda said sharply. "You cannot go on like this."
"Don't tell me how to feel," Tonks snapped. "You're not the one nursing a broken heart."
Andromeda pinched the bridge of her nose. "Will you at least come around for Sunday tea this week?"
"Fine," Tonks sighed. "I'm just as happy being miserable there as I am here." Andromeda sighed too; this breakup was proving harder than either witch had expected.
…..
"TONKS!" Scrimgeour bellowed early Monday morning. Tonks sat up in her desk, thoughts absorbed completely by the date. Last night had been the full moon; she had spent the Sunday dutifully at her parents' home. She suspected her mother's insistence on her joining them for Sunday tea was as a poorly-hidden distraction for the full moon. Tonks felt miserable anyway. This Monday morning, the first full moon in months that Tonks was unaware of Remus' physical health – what if he had died? Merlin, please not that – and the anxiety was threatening to take her by force.
"Yes, Scrimgeour?" Tonks said, exasperated. "What can I do for you?"
"Your Healer mentioned you'll need to be on desk work for 4-6 weeks," the older Auror confirmed. "Part of that will be research. With the return of You-Know-Who, we'll need your research more than ever."
"Thank you," Tonks said flatly. She didn't give a toss if the Ministry 'needed' her research skills. Voldemort was gaining power, and neither Tonks nor any other Auror had the ability to stop him.
"We'll have a new assignment for you in mid-August," Scrimgeour informed. Tonks made a noncommittal noise in her throat, gesturing for Scrimgeour to continue his thoughts.
"In mid-August, you and Alfie will be assigned to Hogsmeade Village for the duration of Hogwarts' term. You are to ensure the student and faculty remain secure. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir," Tonks said weakly. "I understand."
"Very well, then, Tonks," Scrimgeour said. "I expect reports on all those employed in Hogsmeade village and what information they may know about the return of You-Know-Who or the inner goings-on at the castle. You're to begin 15th August. Begin your research now."
"Yes, sir," Tonks agreed. Scrimgeour turned around and went back to his office. Tonks sat at her desk, struggling to keep attention on the task before her. Was Remus okay? Was he alive?
Tonks' limp, mousy brown hair dusted her tired eyes. She hadn't been able to morph since before the battle at the Department of Mysteries. At first, when she was at St. Mungo's, she supposed it had something to do with her various injuries. Whenever she was ill, tired, or emotionally distressed, her morphing was affected. It had been over a week since she was released from St. Mungo's. She was beginning to suspect that the morphing – or lack thereof – had nothing to do with her physical injuries. It was the breakup. It was the heartbreak. It was emotional turmoil. It couldn't be healed with potions or charms. Tonks felt it may never heal. The limp, mousy brown strands were a stubborn reminder of all she had recently lost.
"Tonks," Kingsley Shacklebolt's voice called. Tonks looked up to see Kingsley's tall, burly frame in front of her. "Let me get you coffee."
"I'm fine, Kings," Tonks sighed. "Just fine."
"Like hell you're fine. Come with me." Tonks exhaled heavily but followed Kingsley out of the offices and the Ministry entirely. He led them to a mixed Muggle-Wizardarding café, where the front of the shop was meant for Muggles only, while the back of the shop, disguised as a bean roasting facility, opened to the Wizarding portion. Kingsley led them through the back of the shop, ordered them coffees, and sat across from Tonks in one of the café's many squashy poufs.
"So," Kingsley began in his low, deep voice. "Something's happened."
"Other than the obvious," Tonks said. "My cousin's dead."
"I am sorry that he died, Tonks," Kingsley said gently. "We did the best we could."
"I could have done more. I should have done more," Tonks lamented. "I could've stopped her from, y'know…" her voice trailed off.
"No, you couldn't have," Kingsley said kindly. "All of us were doing the best we could. We'll continue training so that if and when this happens again, we'll do better." Kingsley hesitated momentarily. "We both know that this isn't what I'm referring to, however." He looked at her compassionately…or was it pity? Tonks couldn't tell.
"He left," Tonks said, her voice quaking. "Just left. All I got was a letter." The tears welled up in her eyes again.
"Do you know why he left?"
"He didn't think he could keep me safe," Tonks whimpered. "It doesn't make any sense to me."
"Maybe he'll come around."
"Do you know where he is, Kings?"
"No," Kingsley replied. "I have guesses, but no definitive answers. I'm sorry."
"Do you know if he's still alive? Yesterday was the full moon," Tonks whispered. She wiped her tears on the sleeve of her robe.
"I haven't heard otherwise. I'm sure you'd be among the first to know if anything happened to him."
"But what if he dies there? He dies in one of those camps, or—" Tonks shuddered. "—packs?"
"He's tougher than you give him credit for, Tonks. He managed over a decade between school and now with others like him. He's not friendless," Kingsley said reassuringly. "If something did happen to him, we would know."
"Kingsley, if you hear anything, please tell me," Tonks said, tears rolling down her face again. "Please."
Kingsley nodded, and switched the subject. "Scrimgeour has you on Hogsmeade duty soon, no?"
"Yeah, with Alfie," Tonks said miserably. "A whole sodding year with Alfie at Hogsmeade surrounded by happy students. Dream come true," she added caustically.
"It's a good position for you, Tonks. You'll be closer to Harry and his friends, who I'm sure will appreciate your support."
"As if," Tonks said flippantly. "They don't need a depressed, heartbroken Auror anywhere near them."
"I'm sure they can be the judge of that, Tonks," said Kingsley. "Would you like to see them sooner?"
"They won't be spending their summer at Grimmauld Place, surely?" Tonks asked suspiciously.
"They're coming home today from school. I thought it would be kind of us to show our support to Harry, especially, before he heads off to his relatives' for the summer," Kingsley explained. "Would you like to come? King's Cross, 'round 6 pm?"
"I can be there," Tonks said. She sat up suddenly. "Will, um, anyone else be there?"
"Mad-Eye and Arthur, possibly more," Kingsley said. "If there's anyone else, I won't know till this evening."
"Okay," Tonks breathed. She hoped that Remus would be there. He'd be there for Harry, if no one else. Harry had almost no one left; surely, surely Remus would come to see him off to the Dursleys' for the summer. Tonks felt herself beginning to hope that she might be able to sort out Remus' feelings, if, and only if, he showed up to King's Cross. The hours couldn't pass by fast enough.
…..
It was nearly 6 pm and Tonks hurried out of the office, eager to reach King's Cross. Please, let Remus be here. Please! Her thoughts swirled, hoping she would get the chance to see him again and talk him out of the nonsense he'd created.
Tonks sped through the station, determined not to trip over herself or anyone else in her hurry to Platform 9 ¾. She crossed through the barrier and found the station filled with anxious parents waiting for their children to arrive. The Hogwarts Express hadn't arrived yet, but Tonks knew it would only take a few more minutes before the train came to a stop at the station.
"Tonks!" Molly Weasley exclaimed from afar. Tonks turned to see Molly and Arthur Weasley waiting patiently with Kingsley. Tonks rushed into Molly, eager for a hug from the matronly witch. If Tonks couldn't get Remus to see reason, perhaps Molly could help; the older witch had always been supportive of the relationship.
"Anyone else coming?" Tonks asked breathlessly.
"Looks like Mad-Eye and Remus are here," Arthur said nonchalantly. Tonks whipped around and saw Mad-Eye hobbling towards them, along with a subdued Remus. Tonks' heart was hammering in her chest; this was her chance! As Tonks motioned towards Remus, Arthur interrupted her and walked purposefully towards both Moody and Remus.
"How are you feeling, Tonks?" Molly asked kindly. "We heard you had quite the tumble last week."
"I'm fine," Tonks said impatiently, hoping to get a word in with Remus. Tonks was observing him speaking to Mad-Eye and Arthur; Remus looked shabbier and more tired than ever. Though the full moon had just been the night before, he didn't appear to have many severe injuries. Where had he been for the transformation? Who had helped him? Surely the breakup hadn't been any easier on him, or he'd be in worse shape? Or, Tonks thought miserably, had it meant less to him than it had to her?
Her thoughts were interrupted by the loud sounds of the Hogwarts Express coming to a halt at the station. Compartment after compartment of happy students poking their heads and hands out to greet their parents filled the station with more noise, making it near-impossible for Tonks to make out what Remus, Arthur, and Mad-Eye were discussing. Tonks tried to approach them to reach out to Remus, but was interrupted, again.
"Tonks! It's so great to see you!" Hermione greeted. "How are you? We heard you were at St. Mungo's!"
"Wotcher, Hermione," Tonks said half-heartedly. "I'm doing just fine. How are you?"
"I got a nasty curse to my side, but I'm healing," Hermione said. "Ron had a lot of burns from the brains, but he's doing alright too."
"That's great," Tonks replied perfunctorily. "Listen, I need to check in with someone, but we'll talk soon, yeah?"
Hermione smiled at Tonks warmly and proceeded towards the Weasleys to wrap them in hugs. Tonks walked towards Remus, but he was pointing out the Dursleys to both Arthur and Mad-Eye, as Harry, Ron, and Ginny descended the train.
"Hi, Tonks," Harry acknowledged Tonks.
"Wotcher, Harry," Tonks said absentmindedly. "You-you're alright?" For the first time, Tonks took in the 15 year old since Sirius' death. As miserable as she felt, she supposed Harry felt worse. He'd lost so much – his parents, his godfather, and now, had open warfare on his shoulders. She hugged Harry tightly, much to the teenager's surprise.
"You looked like you needed it," Tonks said gently to Harry. "Those are your relatives over there?" Tonks pointed to the trio standing several meters away, looking suspiciously and unpleasantly at those around them.
"That's them," Harry said glumly. "Another summer with the Dursleys." He looked downcast.
"I don't think it will be so bad this year, Harry," Kingsley said, winking, and pointing at Remus, Arthur, and Mad-Eye now approaching the Dursleys. Harry smiled broadly and hurried towards his relatives, grinning happily as he heard the exchanges between the three wizards and the Dursleys.
"They're telling Harry's relatives that they'll be keeping an eye on Harry," Kingsley explained. "And not to attempt any 'funny business' while he's there for the summer."
"I'm sure they're loving that," Tonks said, smiling genuinely for the first time in over a week. She thought warmly, especially of Remus, as he had indeed come to see Harry off before the summer holidays began. Harry earned warm hugs from both Remus and Arthur, while Mad-Eye merely grunted. Tonks chuckled to herself; only she knew that Moody's grunts were also signs of affection.
Remus was now shaking hands with both Arthur and Mad-Eye. Was he going so soon? Tonks excused herself hastily and rushed to find Remus, as he now appeared to be walking away.
"Remus!" Tonks shouted. He didn't turn around. "Remus, please!" Tonks called again. "Please, I need to talk to you!" Remus increased his speed, and Tonks broke into a run now.
"REMUS LUPIN YOU TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW!" Tonks bellowed, not caring that she had now attracted the stares of several Muggle passers-by. Bellowing must have worked, as Remus turned around, causing Tonks to nearly crash into him.
"What?" Remus hissed. "I told you not to contact me." There was a fierce, hard look in his eyes that took Tonks' breath away.
"I need to talk to you," Tonks said breathlessly. "Please."
"No. We're through. I made that clear," Remus said coldly. "Do not attempt to contact me again."
"But you love me!" Tonks cried. "You told me so, in your letter!" Remus' cold mask broke slightly, and his eyes softened very briefly before he returned to his previous, stony glare.
"That is irrelevant," Remus finally said. "I've made myself perfectly clear. We are done. You need to accept that."
"But – you love me," Tonks said, chin quivering. "How is that irrelevant?"
"It just is," Remus snapped. "Leave me alone." He turned around and began walking rapidly up the street again.
"Wait, Remus! We have to talk!" Tonks followed him, nearly running to keep up with his long legs. "Remus, please, listen to me!" She was struggling to see through her tears. Remus was walking too fast. There were too many people. Her vision was cloudy. Tonks struggled to follow Remus through the crowd. He must have turned to Apparate, as the last bit of Remus she saw was his greying, sandy brown hair turning into an alley. Tonks heard the familiar crack of Apparition.
He was gone.