Disclaimer: We do not own CSI. We also do not own Jim E. Ceb, although we are told he is Truth.
Author's note: Many apologies for the lateness of this installment. Since this was a collaboration, both authors wanted to actually be in the room when we discussed plot points. It was our intention to finish this over Christmas vacation, but real life got in the way. Then my computer decided to eat it, so I had to start from scratch. The result is this chapter.
"…it!" Catherine was face to face with a very drunk, very green Gil Grissom. Catherine guided each limb through the back side of the blind talking to him in a low voice. The last thing she wanted was to upset her boss. However, Grissom was in no mood to become upset. A little agitated about an "Irishman" using the wrong kind of bagpipes, but not genuinely upset. He was much too drunk for that.
"Alas fair maiden! This vile contraption has captured the Green Avenger! My dignity shall be avenged! BURRRRRRRPPPPPP!" He proceeded to belch directly into Catherine's face. Catherine clearly tried to hide her disgust and was even more annoyed that both Sara and Greg were trying to hide fits of the giggles. Rolling her eyes, she managed to free him in record time, thanks to lots of practice removing Lindsey from the banister at home. That girl was constantly getting her head into the wrong place.
The moment he was free, Grissom wandered off. Realizing that he had a set of keys and a familiar environment, he decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to get some work done. He headed towards his office. After having a deep, meaningful conversation with Petunia who had just gotten back from her vacation, he sat down in his chair. It was a shame that Petunia didn't go with the décor of Catherine's office. She was such a pretty fetal pig. As he contemplated this, he realized that spinning around in his chair would be an excellent way to get his ideas flowing. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Hodges pass by. He stopped for a moment, in time to see the dirty look that Hodges was giving him. Sticking out his tongue and laughing, he resumed spinning, trying to recapture the idea that was flying around inside his head.
Meanwhile, Ecklie was trying to control himself as several of the "guests" decided to improvise a urinal from his couch. He was rapidly losing the battle, so he moved into the lab trying to help Warrick sort out the various clothing items from the crime scene. The job wasn't as difficult as expected. All but three items of clothing were labeled with masking tape and what appeared to be the Green sharpie from the scene. A quick check matched a lot of the articles with the names taken from the witnesses, or rather, from their drivers' licenses since more than a dozen decided to give their name as Bra Strap or Jacques Strap.
After consulting the list there were only three items which had any mystery about them: a jacket, a bra, and the bane of Sara's existence, the saliva-covered teeth. The teeth were not that difficult to identify, since there was only one toothless wonder in the waiting room. He was a ninety-five year old former circus performer who actually went by the stage name The Toothless Wonder. His signature move was a trapeze act using only his false teeth. Several of the other witnesses confirmed that he was attempting to demonstrate using the ceiling fan. The bra was also easy to solve. It was the purple item that the woman named Erin removed outside the bar.
Warrick looked closely at the jacket. On the outside, it was a rather somber black item. It was very demure and appropriate for a variety of occasions such as funerals and court appearances. On the inside, the silk lining had a very lurid pattern of green and red insects. Squinting, Warrick realized that the insects formed an identifying label. The spelled out бπιѕѕθμ: Grissom!
Catherine was about to call Robbins in autopsy when she noticed that the light for line 3 was lit up on her phone. As she picked up the receiver, she accidentally hit the wrong button on the phone. Instead of the dial tone, she heard someone speaking.
"Let me get this straight. You want 50 pizzas with pep bac mush and dub chee? Anything else?"
"Ten with pastrami and pomegranate."
"Sir I told you before. We don't have pastrami and pomegranate. How about ham and pineapple? Would they be acceptable?"
"I think they will do."
"Anything else, sir?"
"Sara likes plants. One plant pizza."
"You mean vegetables, sir."
"Yes, one vegetation pizza for Sara and can you put her name on it in olives? I want to make sure she gets it because it's my fault she won't eat pastrami."
"You mean ham."
"Yeah. Oh and 200 cans of Pepsi and coleslaw for 900 people."
"Sir, we don't sell coleslaw."
"OK, then forget the coleslaw."
"And how will you be paying for this?"
"With my credit card when it's delivered."
"OK, and what's your name?"
"Jim E. Ceb"
"Alright Mr. Ceb, that will be about thirty minutes. You're calling from the crime lab right?"
"Yes, I suppose I am."
"See you then."
Just as the other person was about to hang up, Catherine realized Jim E. Ceb's true identity. "Grissom! What the hell are you doing? Sir, cancel that order right away!"
Unfortunately it was too late. 61 pizzas and 200 Pepsis were on their way to the lab.
Unable to stop the pizza delivery, Catherine dialed the number for Doc Robbins. He answered after one ring. "Catherine, I was just about to call you. You better come downstairs."
Catherine made her way down to the basement. The corpse was laid out. It looked untouched. "The corpse doesn't look any different. Are you sure you're finished?"
"Yes, I am," replied the Doctor. "I was about to start the autopsy when I noticed that the eyes had the caps undertakers use to keep them closed. Upon further examination, I discovered an autopsy scar. This body has also been embalmed previously. This man did not die in the bar. He has been dead for several days at least. I took the liberty of taking his fingerprints and running through the database."
"Did you get any hits?"
"Yes, from the coroner's office in New York. The deceased's name is Patrick Murphy. He also went by the names Paddy or Pat Murphy."
"Wasn't that the name of Grissom's friend? The one who died last week?"
"Yes, it was. According to the coroner's office, he died from electrocution while relieving himself in the subway system."
"I thought peeing on the third rail was an urban legend."
"In certain cases, it can happen. You should watch more television, Catherine."
"OK, so there was no foul play involved."
"No, nothing of the sort. The coroner's office listed the name of the funeral parlour that handled the remains. I took the liberty of calling them. Apparently, the deceased's will stipulated that in lieu of a formal funeral, he wanted one last night in Vegas."
"So the drunken festivities up there are…"
"A funeral."
"That explains it."
"Just wait until Gil hears about this one. He's never going to believe it."
"Oh, he'll believe it."
"How do you know?"
"Because he's upstairs. He was the guy wearing the cape and the lampshade."
Sara and Nick were attempting to straighten out the story from the witnesses' perspective. Several of them confirmed that it was a party for their friend Paddy Murphy. When asked where Paddy was, a few of them mentioned that he was at the bar.
Nick's next interviewee was the man in the Kilt, Jamal "O'Leary" Washington. Thankfully, Ecklie had thought to remove the second set of bagpipes from his possession. "Mr. Washington, why were you at the bar tonight?"
"Call me O'Leary. It was a party for me ol' pal Paddy Murphy," replied the large man using a very thick and very phony Irish accent.
"And where was Mr. Murphy? Was he in the bar?"
"Ach! That he be, laddie," replied Mr. Washington, this time in a Scotts Burr.
"Sir, that's not an Irish accent. Was he drinking as well?"
"Nay! Where he be, he no longer drinks. He's just there for the sake of being there." Although the first couple of words were in the fake accent, he rapidly lost it this time.
"Why wouldn't he be drinking. Wasn't the party lively enough for him?"
"Don't you mean: How's she goin'? The very best!" This time the accent was foreign but Nick couldn't immediately place it. There was a hint of Irish in it, but something else as well.
"Sir, once again, that is not an Irish accent."
"It isn't? All the people talked like this when I went to that Irish festival on the Miramichi."
"What the heck is that?" asked someone from across the room.
"I dunno exactly. It looked like a river surrounded by a bunch of small towns. There was a Wal-mart near the blue bridge and there was a lot of smog for a place that size." This time, only Mr. Washington's natural Georgia accent came through.
Nick was becoming a little bit frustrated.
"Getting back to Mr. Murphy? Why doesn't he drink? Where was he? You said he was in the bar."
"That I did. He was at the bar, but he died last week. Did something stupid I think. We were just having a last party with the man," replied Washington, in his normal speaking voice.
Ecklie came over. Judging from his notes, this was similar to the time that those paramedics had taken their buddy for a final round. He was about to say something when Greg came wandering through the room. He was being chased by a very agitated Gill Grissom.
"I'll get you! How dare you attempt to steal my last pair of underpants, you evil gnome!" Grissom chased Greg into the locker room, where Ninjie the cat jumped on the younger man. Grissom looked at the clock. "Hey! It's not 3:30 yet. You're too early to be stealing my underpants. Oh no! You're after CATHERINE'S underpants! This is a job for the Green Avenger! Where did I put my helmet?" Grissom opened a few doors in the search for his helmet.
Just then, four delivery men arrived, laden with Pizza boxes. "Hello!" called one. "We're looking for a Mr. Jim E. Ceb? He's supposed to be paying for the pizzas."
The quartet of delivery men searched the doors. The call originated from the crime lab, so it was obviously one of the employees who called. Finally they arrived at the office of James Brass. The name was close enough.
"Sir, we've got your pizzas. That will be $500 please. We gave you a discount on the pies since it was a big order."
Brass had skipped dinner earlier that evening so he was pretty hungry and decided it would be worth paying the extra money for a hot meal. Maybe he could get some of the other people at the lab to chip in. He took out his Visa card and signed away.
Greg signaled to Catherine to join her in Catherine's office. "Cath? Did you call a press conference?"
"I most certainly did not!"
"Well there are a few news vans pulling up in front of the building. Someone did!"
Sara came in a little breathless. "Catherine, I think Grissom just called a press conference."
"What the hell does he think he's doing?"
"I don't think he's able to think right now. You have got to see what he is wearing."
The three walked to the locker room where Grissom was waiting. He was clad in a bra, a skirt that couldn't be closed, a silky blouse, and a pair of lacy underwear. The whole outfit was put on over his shirt and pants. Catherine recognized it as the spare outfit that she kept in her locker.
"Grissom? What are you doing?" she nearly shouted.
"Catherine! Thank goodness! I'm protecting your underpants from the gnomes. I've alerted the media. They must know about the threat the gnomes are. They're after everyone's underpants!
Out of the corner of her eye, Catherine noted the arrival of more members of the press. Brass was offering the pizza to them and also to some of the boisterous bunch in the waiting room.
Catherine thought quickly. "Greg," she whispered. "Go get some forensics dummies and a camera and put them in the locker room. Keep Grissom busy for a while. Sara, you and Nick try to occupy the drunks. Take Warrick with you. I believe the whole situation is a funeral that got a little too festive, not an actual crime. I'll handle the press."
Following their orders, Greg grabbed a few dummies and a video and still camera. He borrowed a hat from Brass and stuck an index card in the band that said Press. Grissom, still dressed in Catherine's clothing, delivered his prepared speech to the audience of 3 forensics dummies, Greg, a hissing orange cat, and four teddy bears that were usually kept around to sooth younger victims and witnesses. From Sara's vantage point, Grissom was talking to them about a highly serious matter. She just couldn't tell what it was.
She was passing out pizza and cans of Pepsi. The partygoers were starting to sober up a little and were not as boisterous. They were in highly good moods. Ecklie was still a bit upset about his couch, but was thankful that the crowd was pretty good-natured. Nick and Warrick managed to round up most of the party and even located Erin Murphy, the widow for her statement. Brass took the widow to his office to get the finer details of the story.
Erin Murphy, who had earlier removed her bra, was the wife of the now-deceased Patrick Murphy. Paddy, as he was well known, was a bit of a daredevil and accepted a challenge to urinate over the subway tracks. Unfortunately, he stood over them in such a way as it caused him to be electrocuted. Erin had read the funeral arrangements. Paddy's last request was to have his funeral turn into a last weekend of fun in Vegas. His friends were rounded up for the funeral and then flown to one of the casinos at the expense of the rather large estate. Each person would label their clothing and valuables at the first bar in order for belongings to be identified.
When everyone arrived at the bar, the whiskey started to flow and the party began. Several people thought that whiskey would stay colder in the casket, so they sat Paddy at the bar and shoved the drinks into the casket in his place. These people were remembering some stunt that Paddy had pulled in college. The party continued until the bar closed when the bartender had tried to rouse Paddy.
Realizing that no actual crime had been committed, provided that they return the remains to the casket and bury them, Brass decided that the best course of action would be to let everyone sober up and then to send them on the way. He went off to search for Catherine.
He found her in the front hall, speaking to the press.
"…and so ladies and gentlemen, the duties performed by this facility are greatly important to your safety and security. We take the smallest pieces of information and fit them together to solve the puzzle. A mystery may be unraveled by as single thread, a drop of blood or a fingerprint. I urge you to respect what we do at the crime lab. If you come across a crime, do not touch anything, unless it is absolutely necessary to save a life. Then tell us what you did. Help us catch the bad guys. Are there any more questions?"
The reporters didn't have anything more to ask, so they started to pack up their belongings. Within a few minutes they had left.
"Catherine, what were you telling the press?" asked Brass.
"Oh, since Grissom called them here, I decided to do a little PSA about what we do here and also give a request not to interfere with crime scenes. I figured that the public could use a warning not to tamper with evidence."
"Good idea. I've managed to get a statement. The widow of the dead man told me that it was his…"
"Funeral. Yeah. Doc Robbins told me. Remember, Pat Murphy was Grissom's friend. That's why Grissom was called to New York."
"We're going to keep everyone until dawn, give back their belongings and send them on their way."
"Good idea. It looks like the team is having too much fun anyway."
The two turned to watch the rest of the team through the windows to the waiting room. Most of them were eating pizza. Sara was conversing with the Doyles in Sign Language. Warrick and Nick were dancing and Greg was filming them using the video camera. Grissom was once again sporting the lampshade and cape over all of this other acquired clothing. Every once in a while, he'd make a lunge at Greg, yelling "Leave Catherine's underpants alone you crazy gnome!" Things were finally settling down.
AN: I also wanted to note that Underpants gnomes as we imagine them originally aired on South Park. The coleslaw for 900 people was influenced by the Woody Allen Movie, Bananas, which we highly recommend. An Epilogue will follow