Remus was digging through the dirt. His hands and nails were crusted with earth, but he didn't care. Tending to a garden was the closest he got to a reprieve from his heartbreak. His days began blending together. He woke every morning in loneliness, despite having two other wolves for hut-mates, and nearly thirty wolves around him to interact with. They were fine as company, Remus thought, but did nothing to soothe the ache in his soul for Dora.
Remus was building a garden for the werewolf settlement he'd been a part of in the last six weeks. It was just before September's full moon, and thanks to his careful ministrations, the meal the night of the full moon would be heartier than the wolves were accustomed to. Remus hoped that his contributions and assistance might make it more likely that they would come to support the fight against Voldemort.
"I didn't expect you'd be out here the day of the moon," a gruff voice noted. Remus looked up to see one of the two other wolves who tended to the settlement's food preparation looking down at him.
"Hello, Lewis," Remus greeted. "I thought to check on the garden before dinner tonight."
"You spend a lot of time here," Lewis observed.
"I enjoy the work," Remus answered. "Soothing in its way, I suppose." Lewis merely grunted in response.
"How long have you been here, Lewis?" Remus asked, attempting to engage the other man.
"Two years," Lewis replied brusquely. "Since Caspian started it."
"I hadn't realized it was Caspian who founded it," Remus replied. "Does it have a name? I've only heard others refer to it as the settlement, or commune, or collective."
"We didn't give it one," Lewis said. "Harder to find if it doesn't have a name."
"Makes sense," Remus noted. "Has it ever been found, err, by the wrong sort?"
"A few times," Lewis replied. "Once by a female wolf who wanted a mate. We sent her off to Fenrir."
Remus was taken aback. "You really thought sending her there was better for her?"
"Fenrir will mate with anyone who wants a mate," Lewis said, looking out into the distance of the Mourne Mountains. "Not our problem."
"The other times, then, when you were found?" Remus asked. He felt a pit sinking in his stomach at the thought of what else might have happened to intruders of the settlement.
"That female wolf was the second time," Lewis said. "The first was Fenrir himself looking for recruits. Told him we didn't want anything to do with him, but he wanted something in return."
"Not surprising," Remus said bitterly. Fenrir rarely rested until something was given to him, Remus thought angrily.
"We promised him mates," Lewis explained. "Since then, any female wolf that comes our way gets sent to him. Keeps him happy and out of our way."
Remus blanched at the thought. The settlement kept its peace with Fenrir by sending away any women to Fenrir's pack, effectively dooming them there.
"That hardly seems fair to the women, doesn't it?" Remus asked hotly. "How could you do that to them?"
"Not our problem," Lewis retorted. "Any wolf who has heard of us knows our ways by now. We do not seek mates. If a female wolf seeks a mate, she will be sent away."
Remus thought it better not to reply to Lewis' assertion, so he switched the topic. "If you were here when Caspian formed the settlement, what led you to join him?" Remus asked. He was now digging up several bulbous onions for a venison stew.
"Fenrir," Lewis replied curtly. "Fancies himself lord of the werewolves as he made so many of us. Two years ago that Dark wizard came back and Fenrir made himself You-Know-Who's lapdog and wanted the rest of us to join up. Caspian told him to fuck right off."
"How did he do that if Fenrir was alpha?" Remus asked, wide-eyed. It was next to unheard of for a lower-ranking werewolf to overcome an alpha's authority.
"Caspian was beta," Lewis informed. "Some of us were with Caspian. We didn't want to join You-Know-Who either.
We all had mates," Lewis said despondently. "Caspian even had a child."
"You had mates?" Remus asked incredulously. "Caspian had a child? What happened to everyone?"
"Fenrir killed or took our mates," Lewis said bitterly. "Killed Caspian's kid, too, for good measure. Caspian snapped and almost killed Fenrir for it, as did the a lot of us. Pack completely splintered. Any mates were left behind, when Fenrir took them from us or killed them."
"Because the alpha taking a mate from a lower-ranking werewolf meant the mate was his," Remus muttered.
"Yeah," Lewis said, looking off into the distance again. "My Aurelia was taken from me. At least she's still alive."
"I'm sorry to hear that," Remus mumbled, as he thought about his – no longer his, he thought wretchedly – Dora. He shuddered at the thought of what it would have been like to have lost Dora after bonding with her, mating or marriage alike. It had been enough torment to leave her three months prior. The wolf within still howled for its mate. The man saw her in everything he did, from the everlasting beauty of the mountains, to the smallest blade of grass. None of it could compare or come close to the beauty and life Dora had given him.
Remus paused momentarily, stopping his train of thought, and looked back up at Lewis. "Is that why none of you have or want mates now?" Remus asked gently.
Lewis grunted and nodded. "After losing what we had, we decided we could never go through that again. Brotherhood for life."
"I can't pretend to understand what you and the others went through when you lost your mates," Remus began tentatively, "but I did recently have to leave the one my wolf thought was its mate, and it's been agony."
"No, you won't understand, not until you do mate with her," Lewis countered. "Be glad yours can still be yours. You shouldn't be here, if she is still an option."
"She's not," Remus said curtly. "Not at all an option." Not unless I want to doom her to an early, painful death.
"She mated with another wolf?" Lewis' eyebrows raised in confusion.
"No, I had to leave her for her safety," Remus said dejectedly. "It's one of the most painful experiences I've ever had, monthly transformations included."
"If there's a way to be with her, you should be with your mate," Lewis replied. "Never let her go."
"I can't," Remus' voice broke. "I can't do that to her." He would never forgive himself for placing her in danger in the first place.
Lewis stared at Remus with an unusual expression; it appeared to have been one of pity, longing, and exasperation.
"Think about what you're doing, Remus," Lewis said, in what surprised Remus as an unusually tender, kind tone. "Don't let her go if you can still have her. You will regret it until the day you die." With this, Lewis turned around to return to the settlement, leaving a befuddled Remus in his wake.
…
Remus,
Please let Nymphadora know you're alive.
Andromeda
Remus looked at the small scrap of parchment, having received it the morning following September's full moon. His brow furrowed upon reading the short message. Remus assumed that as Andromeda had written the note, it had to be urgent. Having no owl, Remus could only think of one method of sending a message securely: his Patronus.
Remus put his head in his hands and stared out at the little hut he was sharing with Eustace and Clarence. As the last moon had been Clarence's sixth, the wolves should have voted to keep Clarence in the settlement. However, due to mysterious, 'unresolved' matters, the wolves voted to keep Clarence for another six moons before making another decision.
Clarence had been furious, but the alternatives were grim: either become a lonely, independent wolf, mate with a wolf and form his own pack, or join Fenrir's pack. They were Remus' alternatives as well, and as the lone wolf lifestyle would lead him to hurt himself, given his recent trauma, staying at the settlement with unmated, male wolves appeared to be the next best option.
"Your witch sent you a letter?" Clarence asked angrily, looking at Remus holding the scrap of parchment.
"No, her mother did," Remus replied. "Simply to know how I am doing," he fibbed.
"Why would her mother give a shit about you?" Clarence demanded. "You left the witch, didn't you?"
"I'm not certain, actually," Remus said truthfully. "My relationship with her mother was never strong, so I admit this note comes as a surprise. I haven't a way to reply, so it doesn't matter, really."
"You'd better hope no one else saw an owl come to you," Clarence retorted. "They won't take to it well."
"I meant to ask about that," Remus said. "Is it so unreasonable to have others outside the settlement as friends or acquaintances? I met Caspian through another wolf, Hadrian, and yet Hadrian is not a part of the settlement."
"Hadrian is a wolf," Clarence said simply. "A mated wolf," he clarified. "He poses no threat to our settlement, and we pose no threat to him."
"I don't understand," Remus said, scratching the side of his head with his nails.
"Hadrian has a pack of his own and he only accepts mated wolves, to eliminate competition," Clarence explained. "We only have alliances with wolves who do not threaten our way of life," he continued.
"What does that have to do with witches and wizards? Surely there have to be a few wolves here who have relatives who aren't wolves, and choose to stay in touch with them? Mothers, fathers, children?" Remus asked in confusion.
"You've been coddled," Clarence snorted inelegantly. "Is it any surprise you're the only werewolf to have gone to Hogwarts as a child? You're here as a last resort, not because you want to be here," Clarence spat. "It's why they won't accept you, you know."
"How do you know that?" Remus demanded.
"Because I'm the same way," Clarence said softly. "If I had any other option, I would take it. I have no family or friends to turn to. It's this, loneliness, or Greyback."
"Because you don't want to mate?" Remus asked.
"Between what happened between Eustace and me and my own…preferences," Clarence said carefully, eyeing Remus cautiously as he did so, "I find the idea of mating repulsive."
"Ah," Remus understood. "If you went off with Fenrir, there's no telling what he'd have you do."
"Yeah," Clarence replied. "So it's this or being alone, really. You had someone."
"I did, but it doesn't matter now," Remus said. "She's better off without me."
"Say what you will, but the wolves here will see right through you," Clarence retorted. "While she remains an option, you'll never be at peace and you won't really belong to us."
"I have to lose her completely to belong here?" Remus asked, bewildered.
"Have you ever met Fenrir Greyback, Remus?" Clarence asked suddenly.
"He bit me when I was four years old, and I've had the misfortune of being around his pack more than once," Remus replied bitterly. "Fenrir never considered me important enough to keep around for any longer than he needed me for. What does that have to do with Dora?"
Clarence's eyebrows raised at the mention of Dora, but must have decided against commenting on her name. Instead, he replied, "Does Fenrir know about her?"
"Does Fenrir know about Dora, you mean?" Remus asked in clarification, and Clarence nodded. "Unfortunately, yes, Fenrir knows who she is and that she's been associated with me."
"You left her, knowing this?" Clarence demanded. "Are you fucking mental?"
Remus was taken aback, but looked at Clarence in some confusion.
"You want her to stay alive, don't you?" Clarence asked harshly. "If Fenrir ever gets his claws on her, you know what he's going to do. He'll either kill or her take her for his own."
"Not if I'm not with her anymore," Remus retorted. "What will he want with her if she has nothing to do with me anymore? She's too well protected to be his target, anyway. She's an Auror."
"Merlin, Remus, are you that thick?" Clarence interrogated. "Fenrir is going to go after her!"
"I'm actually aware of that, thanks," Remus said hotly. "If you can believe it, Fenrir is not my main concern. In fact, a much higher ranking Death Eater is! Her own aunt, Bellatrix Lestrange! Dora can handle Fenrir, as much as I hate to think of the idea of him anywhere near her. Bellatrix outduels her every time!" Remus grasped his hair in his hands, frantically reaching for anything to hang onto.
"It was Bellatrix who nearly killed her, not Fenrir! It is Bellatrix who has threatened her life since she was born! I would never have left Dora if Fenrir was the only threat!" Remus bellowed.
"Fenrir isn't the biggest threat to her?" Clarence asked in disbelief.
"If only," Remus snorted. "I loathe him with every fiber of my being, but I do not fear him the way I fear Bellatrix or Voldemort. Those two are much bigger threats to my happiness and life than Fenrir ever could be. Both Bellatrix and Voldemort could take Fenrir out without sparing a second thought. They don't need him. He's a pawn or a tool, no more and no less, as are all werewolves."
Clarence stared at Remus, at a loss for words. Remus almost pitied him, thinking that Fenrir was the biggest threat to not only his – but every wolf's life. Voldemort only cared for werewolves as far as they were useful to him, but they were no more his priority than any other Dark creature or 'half-breed.'
"Then why does Fenrir say that You-Know-Who will make life better for werewolves?" Clarence finally asked.
"Because Voldemort gives Fenrir what Fenrir wants – more power," Remus explained impatiently. "Voldemort effectively gifts Fenrir his enemies for Fenrir to bite, maim, or kill. One day, when Voldemort no longer needs Fenrir for slaughter, Fenrir will be no more. All werewolves will follow the same damned fate."
"Surely you can't be for the Ministry then?" Clarence asked. "With all the anti-werewolf legislation they've passed?"
Remus snorted. "No, I'm not for the Ministry, but only a fool would think Voldemort was any better," Remus grumbled.
"Is that why you've come, then? Convince us all to join you?" Eustace entered the hut, apparently having heard the end of the conversation.
"No," Remus lied. "I came because I couldn't survive on my own and I'm certainly not joining Fenrir or Voldemort any time soon."
"Doesn't that Dumbledore fellow keep an eye on you?" Eustace eyed Remus suspiciously.
"If you haven't been able to tell, Dumbledore is no closer to defeating Voldemort than the Ministry is," Remus said coldly, hating himself for berating the Headmaster. "What am I to do?"
"Stay out of it, like the rest of us," Eustace replied quickly. "You keep your snout out of the Ministry, You-Know-Who, and that crackpot old fool's business. You keep it here, where you belong."
"What if You-Know-Who comes after us?" Clarence interjected, in apparent protest. "What if Remus is right? You-Know-Who wins and comes after us?"
"He won't care about us," Eustace retorted. "Lonely, pathetic werewolves have nothing to offer him unless we bother him."
If only that were true, Remus thought. Merely existing was enough for Voldemort to unleash his wrath on werewolves, or any being that did not give into his power and agenda.
"You think that's true, Remus?" Clarence challenged. "Think You-Know-Who won't come after us?"
Remus hesitated before he answered. "He will if we give him a reason," Remus said diplomatically. "But having Fenrir against us would be enough of a reason, I believe."
"Fenrir won't go against us," Eustace declared. "We have an agreement."
"You mean the one where you send him women to mate with?" Remus asked angrily.
"We what?!" Clarence asked in disbelief. "What the fuck, Eustace? Is that true?"
Eustace exhaled irritably and glared at Remus. "It's only happened a few times, and only with female wolves, not witches," Eustace admitted, still glaring at Remus. "That is our agreement."
"How could you?" Clarence asked in horror. "How could you do that to them?"
"We keep the peace," Eustace said. "We are not bound to his pack, and we will not be bound if we keep our end of the bargain."
"You sacrifice female wolves to Fenrir so you can live comfortably here?" Clarence demanded. "Would you have done that to mum?"
"Of course I would have!" Eustace bellowed. "Be thankful your mother died of illness, and not at Fenrir's hands, as so many of the mates here did! You haven't a clue what it means to lose a mate. If we have any possibility of mating here, Fenrir will take it away from us again. I would have sent your mother to him a thousand times if it meant she lived, even in his hands!"
"It wouldn't hurt as much if she mated with someone else, rather than dying?" Remus interrupted. "If you saw your mate with someone else, it would be preferable to seeing her die?"
"It's a different kind of pain, I'm told," Eustace said shortly. "A different kind of agony, but one that doesn't involve as much bloodshed."
"Because if the mate is still alive, but no longer yours, you don't feel the need to avenge her death?" Remus theorized aloud.
"Yes," Eustace confirmed. "Whatever you heard from someone else, we don't just send the females there to die, if that was your impression," the older wolf rebuffed. "We send them there, but Fenrir is to keep them alive, if nothing else. It's a mercy to them, as well as to us."
"No less barbaric," Clarence retorted. "Even if you think it's merciful."
"Such is the life of a werewolf," Eustace snapped. "Thought you'd have known that by now, boy." Clarence stood up and growled at Eustace in anger. Eustace snapped his jaw at Clarence, who backed down.
"That'll teach you," Eustace spat. "Now get out of my sight. I need to have a talk with Remus." Clarence glared at Eustace, but said no more and exhaled heavily as he exited the hut. As soon as Clarence was gone, Eustace turned on Remus.
"Who told you about the female wolves?" Eustace demanded.
"Lewis, the other day," Remus replied. "I had the impression it was a far more sinister arrangement. While it's marginally more pleasant to think that the women will live, it is barely comforting."
"Lewis shouldn't have told you that," Eustace sighed. "Our arrangements with Fenrir are not for him to discuss."
"There are more arrangements with him?" Remus asked fearfully.
"Yes," Eustace said tersely. "Not for you to know. Not at this point."
"I see. For those who are fully accepted to the settlement, I assume?"
"Yes. If you do reach that point, you will understand."
"Clarence seems to think I will not be fully accepted," Remus tested carefully. "What do you think, Eustace?"
"You have a lot of potential," Eustace replied, studying Remus. "It's not for me alone to decide."
"If it were up to you?" Remus asked tentatively.
"No," Eustace said briskly. Remus' heart sank; he didn't truly want to stay at this settlement. Staying there was merely delaying the inevitable: going undercover and infiltrating Fenrir's pack, or returning to mainstream Order work and risking Dora by affiliation with him. Neither option was particularly appealing.
Eustace, however, continued, "Your alliances betray you. You will never be one of us."
"My alliances to Dumbledore, you mean?"
"Among others," Eustace noted curtly. "Get your priorities together. Your third moon with us will be the next one. I suggest you think deeply in that time."
"I understand," Remus sighed. "I think I'll go for a walk and see what else I can gather, if you don't mind."
"Suit yourself," Eustace said, as he lay down on his own threadbare mattress. "Most of the settlement won't be ready to eat for several hours."
"I could use the time to walk," Remus explained. "I'll be back to help with dinner, as I usually am."
Eustace merely grunted as he turned over on the mattress. Remus turned on his heel and exited the hut; the settlement was indeed quiet. Clarence was sulking by the main campfire, so Remus disillusioned himself to walk past the fire unnoticed.
Remus walked a short distance in the forest. He Apparated a few miles away before he reached a clearing in the forest, ready to cast the Patronus. Though he hadn't wanted to send the message, he realized it would be useful nonetheless for Dora. It had been nearly three months since he'd cast the charm, and his first several attempts failed as he willed himself not to think of any memories of Dora.
"Expecto patronum!" cast Remus, ultimately giving into the thought of Dora's triumphant smile after healing him just before Christmas, and he finally saw the large wolf emerge from the tip of his wand. He instructed the wolf to find Dumbledore and deliver a simple message: "Please tell her I'm alive. Unsafe to return the message."
With the message now sent, Remus turned around and Apparated back to a safe distance from the settlement in order to walk back, prepare dinner for his fellow wolves, and continue the charade he'd been calling his life.
…
Remus was stirring in the Rostrevor Forest, alongside nearly three dozen werewolves. The night prior had been his third full moon with the werewolf settlement Hadrian had suggested to him. It was likely Remus' last full moon with the settlement. Three moons prior, Remus had been conditionally accepted to the settlement, under a trial period of three moons before full acceptance. It was known that it was difficult for werewolves to be accepted there, with the promise that they would be fully committed to the welfare of the settlement and a promise to never mate. A devoted brotherhood of single, unmated werewolves made up the settlement, and Remus felt it was unlikely that he would make the cut.
Perhaps, if Remus had never gone to school and made friends at Hogwarts, this type of settlement would have been the right fit. He had had brotherhood at school, with James, Sirius, and Peter. The brothers he once had were all dead (with the exception of Peter, who may as well have been dead). He nearly had a mate in Nymphadora Tonks; perhaps, if Bellatrix Lestrange never existed, or his own insecurities had been out of the way, he could have built a life with her. As it was, none of those conditions mattered. His ties to wizards and Wizarding society made his allegiance to werewolves questionable.
Remus stood from the cold, frosted ground where he lay, panting and breathing. He checked himself for injuries; nothing broken, merely bruises, scrapes, gashes, and bite marks. His joints ached and his muscles were sore. A few trickles of blood trailed down his legs. All easy to heal, even as he shivered and limped towards the hut where he had stayed for over three months. He stumbled through the hut door and sat on the threadbare mattress, slowly dressing himself in the patched clothes he'd traveled with. He then retrieved his wand from his disillusioned rucksack and began the process of healing himself. He'd nearly completed the process when Clarence came stumbling in.
"How d'you get up so quickly?" Clarence mumbled as he dressed himself in his own faded, worn clothing.
"Decades of practice," Remus said hoarsely.
"Do you mind helping me?" Clarence asked, sighing loudly. He drew up the leg of his trouser to reveal a deep gash in his thigh; somehow, Clarence's muscles had been torn grotesquely.
Remus quickly retrieved his Dittany and applied it first, and then followed by giving Clarence a Pain Relief Potion and a Blood Replenishing Potion. Lastly, he charmed the wound clean and dressed it for Clarence.
"Thanks, Remus," Clarence remarked. "You're the best at this. I'm sure going to miss it." Remus' brow raised.
"Is it that obvious?" Remus asked grimly.
"Odds are against you, mate," Clarence replied.
"We won't know till the vote," Eustace interrupted. "Don't get ahead of yourself, Clarence. Or you, Remus."
"I'm fine," Remus croaked. "I understood the risks when I came."
"Get rest while you can," Eustace recommended, in his own gruff voice. "Vote won't be till after dinner."
Remus nodded weakly and cast a Cushioning Charm on the mattress, as was his custom nearly every time he lay on it. He disillusioned his wand and placed a Sticking Charm on it to stay attached to the side on which he slept. It was uncomfortable, but it allowed him to rest at ease, knowing that his wand would be next to impossible to steal.
Several hours later, Remus woke to the sounds of several werewolves rousing from their post-moon slumber. Remus groaned and unstuck his wand from his side. Clarence was already awake, while Eustace was out.
"Clarence," Remus began, "do you really think they won't keep me here?"
"If you're lucky, you'll get a few more moons," Clarence muttered. "If not, they'll turn you away."
"I expect to be turned away," Remus mumbled. "Haven't thought of my next move."
"I've heard they send rejected wolves to the same place," Clarence informed. "Haven't a clue where it is. Maybe there's a second settlement for rejects," he laughed hollowly.
"Well, before I'm sent off," Remus said slowly, "I hope the best for you, Clarence. I hope you find what you're looking for."
"You don't think it's here?" Clarence asked dejectedly.
"You deserve to be somewhere you can be who you are," Remus said quietly. "As welcoming as this settlement is, I don't think it's here."
"Thank you, Remus," Clarence said, gazing at Remus with a look of gratitude.
"We should be off then, shouldn't we?" Remus asked, a sad smile on his face. Clarence nodded and stood up from his mattress, offering Remus his hand to help him up. Together, Clarence and Remus made their way towards the campfires where food was being prepared. As it was Remus' third moon, he had been excused from helping with dinner so that he could participate more fully in the decision of whether or not he'd be allowed to stay at the settlement.
"Lewis," Remus greeted politely, as the older werewolf grunted in response and ladled out a hearty potato and leek stew, one of Remus' own recipes, into a tin bowl and offered it to Remus. He then tore off a sizable portion of venison and placed it on top of the steaming stew.
"Thank you, Lewis," Remus said, receiving another grunt from the older werewolf. Remus returned to the central campfire and began to eat the food; he was pleasantly surprised that Lewis had managed to cook the stew well, and that the venison was seasoned. Remus smiled softly to himself, pleased that if nothing else, the wolves would be left with more food and nutrition than when he'd first arrived, in the case he was voted out of the settlement.
"Remus," Caspian called. "If I'm not mistaken, this was your third moon at our settlement."
"It was," Remus replied nervously.
"Our agreement was to offer you three moons to see how you would fit in with us," Caspian announced to the werewolves sitting around the fire. "It is time we came to a decision." The others nodded and Caspian spoke again.
"Yours was an unusual case, Remus," Caspian continued. "Your alliances seem unchanged, although you have brought us unexpected commodities, with your gardening and healing salves. Even so, this is not enough to prove your loyalties lay with us." Wolves around the fire were nodding and grunting in agreement, much to Remus' consternation.
"It is also known you wish to have us join you in your battle against the Dark wizard," Caspian elaborated. "We have no place in this war. We do not wish to join you, nor do we wish to join the Dark wizard. Your allegiance to the Light wizard concerns us." Remus hung his head, unwilling to hear any more from Caspian's assessment. It was clear he was going to be ousted from the settlement. Merlin only knew where he would go next; it was the Order or Fenrir.
"As your situation is unusual, I've considered an unusual proposition for you, Remus," Caspian announced. "I do not believe you belong with us." There it was: the truth. Remus did not belong here, either.
"You do not belong with Fenrir Greyback, either," Caspian said boldly. "This is where we send our rejected wolves. To Fenrir. He does not send wolves here. Nor do we accept any wolves from Fenrir's pack, following our fallout. Our rejected wolves do not know we send them to Fenrir. What I propose we offer Remus is a choice. A choice to go to Fenrir, or to go his own way. Staying with us will not be an option, and returning to us is out of the question."
Remus looked up at Caspian with his jaw dropped. It was apparent why no one mentioned what happened to the rejected wolves – being sent to Fenrir to join his pack was obviously a form of the utmost rejection. Having the option to leave in peace was a mercy, Remus thought.
"We shall vote now," Caspian proclaimed. "All those in favor of Remus joining us?" Very few hands were raised. "All those in favor of giving Remus a choice?" Nearly all the other hands went up in the air.
"Very well," Caspian said. "Remus, you have a choice. We will divulge Fenrir's location and give you the option of going to his pack, or you may go your own way. We ask that you do not return, should you choose either option. Should you return, Fenrir will be the onlyoption."
Remus swallowed the lump in his throat. He had a choice to make.