Remus' eyes were fluttering open. He was home. Hogwarts. He lay in a bed with the unmistakable scent of the Hospital Wing clinging to its sheets, and soft, white curtains blocking any view he might have beyond the space to which he was confined. A shadowed figure was just on the other side of the curtains.
"You did quite a bit of damage in there, young man," Madam Pomfrey's stern, matronly voice called Remus' attention.
"How did you know I was awake?" Remus croaked.
"Years of practice," Madam Pomfrey noted shrewdly.
"How bad was it?" Remus rasped. "I feel terrible."
Madam Pomfrey eyed Remus carefully. "The Shack's seen better days," she decided. "So have you."
"That bad?" Remus breathed.
"You didn't break anything, nor did you sustain any life-threatening wounds. All your injuries appear to have been related to your destruction of the staircase," Madam Pomfrey said matter-of-factly.
"I did what?" Remus asked, in disbelief. "The entire staircase?"
"Smashed to bits," Madam Pomfrey said. "You can see for yourself once I'm through with you." Remus thought on the proposition for a moment; he decided he was too embarrassed to see the immense damage he'd inflicted on the Shrieking Shack just yet, and would return to it when he felt more like himself.
"How much longer?" Remus finally croaked. "To heal?"
"Take these." Remus took the proffered vials of potions and swallowed each one dutifully, as he had when he was a boy. As the minutes passed and the potions took effect, Remus began to feel considerably better.
"You should eat soon," Madam Pomfrey directed. "I'll call for a house-elf."
"No," Remus directed. "I – I need to meet with Dumbledore."
"You do?" the witch's brows were raised quizzically.
"I do," Remus said, as he winced and sat up in the bed.
"You are in no state to leave, young man," Madam Pomfrey admonished. Remus shook his head, exasperated. He was nearly thirty seven years old and his school nurse had yet to treat him as if he were an adult.
"I have to go," Remus said. "I'll be fine." Madam Pomfrey eyed Remus suspiciously, but decided against arguing with him.
"I'll be right back with your clothes and several more potions," she commanded. "Once I see you take a few more vials, you may go."
"Yes, Madam Pomfrey," Remus said, feeling every bit the schoolchild. The witch smirked cheekily at Remus, which prompted him to roll his eyes. Very few people were permitted to coddle him, and the Hogwarts hospital matron was one of them.
Minutes later, Remus was dressed in his worn, but clean clothes. He impatiently swallowed several more vials of potions from Madam Pomfrey, and huffed as she sent him off with a few fresh bottles of Pain Relief Potion, "just in case."
Remus looked down at his battered watch; it was nearly 6 pm. The students and staff would be enjoying dinner in the Great Hall, allowing him to escape relatively unnoticed from the Hospital Wing and towards Dumbledore's office. He took long, quick strides and made it to the gargoyle statue that guarded the Headmaster's office.
"Sherbet lemon," said Remus, as the gargoyle accepted the password and allowed Remus entry to the office. Remus took the stairs gingerly, one at a time, until he was safely inside Dumbledore's office.
"Remus, so very good to see you," Dumbledore greeted kindly. "I trust you've been well?"
"I've been better," Remus said truthfully. "I'm at a bit of a crossroads with my next move, and I was hoping you could help me."
"Of course, Remus," Dumbledore agreed, and gestured for Remus to sit in the handsome wooden chair across from his desk. Remus noticed the wizened hand and his eyes grew wide.
"Albus, your hand!" Remus exclaimed, wide-eyed.
"An unfortunate curse," Dumbledore said simply. "Now is not the time to reveal the nature of the curse, though I assure you it is a thrilling tale." Remus raised his eyebrows at the Headmaster, but knew better than to pressure him to reveal any further information.
"Now, how can I help you, Remus?" Dumbledore asked gently.
"It might help if I gave you an idea of where I've been," Remus began. "I apologize I haven't had more communication with you in the last several months."
"I understand," Dumbledore said simply. "Please, continue."
"Following the events at the Department of Mysteries, I stayed for two moons with a mated werewolf friend of mine, Hadrian. He and his mate, and their son and his mate have their own small, self-sufficient pack. Hadrian preferred only mated wolves in his small pack, and unfortunately, I do not have a mate. Remus hastily added, "nor am I seeking one." Dumbledore nodded in understanding.
"Hadrian recommended I stay in a settlement I'd never heard of – it hasn't a name, either," Remus explained. "It's led by a wolf called Caspian who had once been Fenrir Greyback's beta. When Voldemort returned two years ago, Fenrir pressured the wolves in his pack to follow him and join Voldemort. Caspian and several other wolves defected, but lost their mates in the process. As a result, they live in a strict, unmated, all male werewolf settlement. They have an unspoken agreement with Fenrir to stay away from his pack, and send either female wolves or rejected male wolves to Fenrir's pack, should the occasion arise."
"Am I to assume you were accepted, if you are here?" Dumbledore studied Remus with his twinkling blue eyes, making Remus slightly uncomfortable in the process.
"I was an unusual case," Remus explained. "I was helpful enough to the settlement that they did not wish for me to go to Fenrir by force. Nor did they want me to join them. I was given the choice to go on my own or go to Fenrir. I chose neither, immediately."
"This is the decision you are struggling with?" Dumbledore asked gently.
"I know Fenrir's location now, but I've not yet visited where his pack lives," Remus said. "I've been there before and it's bleak. If I returned now, it would be as a spy. I am not confident I would survive the ordeal." Remus swallowed the lump in his throat.
"If you do not believe you would survive, then why go?" Dumbledore inquired.
"My other option is work for the Order, but…Dora," Remus finished lately.
"What does Miss Tonks have to do with your work for the Order, Remus?" Dumbledore asked kindly.
"You know that we had a relationship until the Department of Mysteries," Remus explained painfully. "Once I saw what Bellatrix did to her as a result of our relationship, and Bellatrix's own preconceived hatred of Dora, I felt I could no longer continue in a relationship with her, as it would endanger her life. I couldn't do that to her, Albus." Remus hung his head in shame.
"I see," Dumbledore replied simply, as he stroked his long white beard with his non-affected hand. "You propose that either you sacrifice your own life with the werewolves, or open the possibility that Miss Tonks' life might be sacrificed?"
"Yes," Remus confirmed.
"And you believe those are the only two options?" Dumbledore asked, eyes twinkling again.
"I don't see another way," Remus sighed. "It's her life or mine, and I will always choose hers."
"Suppose, Remus, that you do go undercover with the werewolves and you do survive," Dumbledore said slowly. "At what point in your survival would you consider returning to Miss Tonks, seeing as you care for her deeply?"
"If the war is won," Remus said rapidly. "If the war is won and Dora's life is no longer in danger. I don't mean to impugn your intelligence, Albus, but while I think winning the war is possible, I do not believe I will survive the ordeal."
Dumbledore put a hand up to Remus to stop him from continuing. "Suppose, then, that Bellatrix Lestrange is no longer alive to threaten Miss Tonks' life," Dumbledore proposed. "Would this be sufficient to return to her?"
Remus hesitated. "This is a difficult question," Remus responded slowly. "I would have to be certain that Voldemort and his Death Eaters were no longer threats to us, either."
"It appears then, that we must win the war, and you must survive," Dumbledore noted happily. Remus' jaw dropped. Had the Headmaster been listening to Remus at all?
"How do you propose we go about that, Albus?" Remus said as evenly as he could, still surprised by the Headmaster's overly optimistic declaration.
"Remus," Dumbledore began gently. "Of the two options before you, which one do you believe will be most likely to win the war?"
"Going undercover with the werewolves," Remus replied quickly. "The fewer supporters Voldemort has, the better."
"I agree," Dumbledore said serenely. "On one condition, Remus."
"Anything, Albus," Remus breathed.
"You are not to die on this mission," Dumbledore warned.
"Again, Albus, I don't mean to impugn your intelligence, but how am I supposed to do that?" Remus said irritably. "I have little control over these things."
"You have excellent dueling skills, Remus. Most werewolves are unable to perform basic magic, lamentably. This will be your first line of defense," Dumbledore explained.
"I believe we can provide you with some safeguards to keep you alive and well," Dumbledore continued. "I'm not the only one who will find this arrangement acceptable, mind you. Miss Tonks has been worried for you."
"I know," Remus sighed sadly. "There's little I can do for that."
"On the contrary, Remus. There is plenty you can do to let her know you are alive and well. Even if you cannot proceed in a relationship due to your concerns—"
"—perfectly valid, reasonable concerns—" Remus interrupted impatiently.
"—be that as it may," Dumbledore emphasized, looking at Remus sternly, "Miss Tonks considers you a good friend, as do I. Informing us of your health and well-being is important, Remus."
Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes, and sat patiently, waiting for the Headmaster to continue his plans.
"I shall be providing you with an emergency Portkey, Remus," Dumbledore declared. "Should you find yourself in mortal danger, you are to use the Portkey."
"Where will the Portkey take me?" Remus asked.
"Wherever you'd like," Dumbledore smiled. "Your cottage in Yorkshire, perhaps? The Shrieking Shack, if you prefer? Unfortunately, due to the wards, it cannot be Hogwarts."
"My cottage should be fine," Remus said, as he blushed furiously at his own idiocy. "I can't believe I didn't think of an emergency Portkey. I feel rather foolish at the moment."
"It is the day after the full moon, is it not?" Dumbledore asked. "Perhaps a few more potions might assist you?"
"Madam Pomfrey gave me Pain Relief, which should be fine for now," Remus explained.
"I meant for your mission going undercover," Dumbledore suggested. "How does Wolfsbane affect your position within a pack?"
"It's complicated," Remus said. "Wolfsbane Potion has a unique color and it must be taken every day for seven days prior to the full moon. It is not an easy potion to conceal, brew, or manage. Wolfsbane Potion is a luxury for werewolves. If I were the only one taking it in a pack, it would be laughably easy to identify me as the odd one out, simply due to the meticulous circumstances surrounding my taking it for it to be fully effective. Missing just one dose renders it ineffective, as we unfortunately learned a few years ago." Dumbledore looked at Remus and stroked his beard once more, apparently deep in thought.
"Would your life be threatened without the Wolfsbane?" Dumbledore finally asked.
"I'm not sure," Remus said honestly. "Werewolves rarely kill one another when they are fully transformed. Establishing dominance rarely involves murder."
"The threats to your life are more likely involved with witches and wizards who happen to be werewolves," Dumbledore stated, looking at Remus for confirmation.
"Untransformed, yes," Remus confirmed.
"I should like for you to try one moon with the Wolfsbane Potion," Dumbledore decided, much to Remus' surprise. "Although you deem it risky, it may establish whether or not this mission can be successful. I do not wish to send you to your death." Dumbledore looked at Remus resolutely, over his half-moon spectacles.
"I would suggest the second moon," Remus offered. "The first moon will allow me to establish some roots."
"The next moon is Christmas Eve," Dumbledore noted quickly. "You can go after the December moon, as Severus will need time to brew your Wolfsbane for the following moon, and I would like both of you to enjoy a happy Christmas." Quite possibly the last Christmas I might ever see, Remus thought grimly, even with the added precautions of the Portkey and possible Wolfsbane Potion.
"I agree, Albus," Remus concluded. "I'll spend the next few weeks gathering my things and preparing for the next mission."
"Thank you, Remus," Dumbledore said. "Do think about what I suggested, with regards to Miss Tonks. If you do survive, you'd do well to remember her." Remus nodded sheepishly, and made his way out of the Headmaster's office. He had a new mission to plan.
…
It was Christmas Day, and Remus was waking slowly in the cellar of his Yorkshire cottage. He had used one of the two doses of Wolfsbane Potion that Dora had brewed for his birthday the previous March. As he planned for the mission to spy on Fenrir Greyback and his pack, Remus had come to the conclusion that no matter what Dumbledore believed, it was unlikely that Remus would survive the ordeal. He had decided, at that moment, to use one of the two doses of Wolfsbane Potion to make his December transformation bearable and survivable. The transformation had been as painful as it had always been, but he was left with merely aches and pains from the transformation, rather than gashes, bruises, broken bones, and other calamities. Rising from the dank cellar floor, he dressed himself hastily and trudged up the stairs to the cottage. Much to his surprise, Andromeda Tonks was waiting for him.
"Hello, Andromeda," Remus greeted tiredly. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"You survived alone," Andromeda noted.
"I did, thanks to the Wolfsbane Potion," Remus replied. "Dora made me two doses last March and I have only just used one."
"You had not used it before now?" Andromeda asked curiously.
"I wanted to save it for truly dire cases," Remus said, as Andromeda's brow furrowed.
"Christmas is dire?" Andromeda asked, gazing at Remus warily.
"No," Remus answered. "I have a rather risky mission for the new year and I'm not confident I will survive it."
"Have you forgotten I will know if your life is in danger?" Andromeda asked coolly, while playing with the Blood Magic pendant tied to Remus' magic and life.
"I have not forgotten," Remus said grimly. "However, I will be going undercover for Fenrir Greyback's pack." Andromeda's eyes widened.
"Did Dumbledore put you up to this?" Andromeda asked sharply.
"It was one of two options, and this one is likelier to keep Dora alive, even if I die," Remus said flatly. "I should hope that would be acceptable to you."
"Don't be tetchy with me, Remus," Andromeda admonished. "Have you explained this to Nymphadora? She is beside herself with worry for you."
"I've let Dumbledore know each time I survive a full moon, and he has assured me that Dora has been notified as well," Remus sighed. "I have not told her about Fenrir, specifically."
"I suggest you do," Andromeda noted.
"I'll find the time to do before I go," Remus promised. "I'm not leaving until after the New Year."
"Tell her in person, Remus," Andromeda commanded. "She deserves better than what you've provided."
"It's what I've been trying to say all along," Remus smiled weakly. "She deserves better."
Andromeda gave Remus an exasperated look and exhaled forcefully. "You know what to do, Remus."
"I do," Remus replied guiltily. "I will," he promised.
"We have an understanding, then," Andromeda agreed. Remus nodded politely at Andromeda, and she gave him one final, exasperated glance before leaving the cottage and Apparating away.
Once Andromeda had left the cottage, Remus finished dressing himself, attempting to make himself look presentable for Christmas lunch at the Burrow. He admonished himself for not asking Andromeda if Dora would be with them for the holiday, or if she would be at the Burrow as well. His heart skipped a beat, thinking he might see her there. Anxiety filled him, but he couldn't delay the opportunity to talk to her.
Remus decided to wear newer clothes that Dora had given to him in the last year – a set of smart trousers and the Gryffindor jumper Molly had knitted for him at Dora's request. He even wore a set of socks Dora had gifted him. Looking at himself in the mirror, he realized he looked far less shabby than he had in years, despite the addition of further grey hairs on his head.
Minutes later, he Apparated to the Burrow and entered through the wards to find a happy, boisterous gathering filled with more Weasleys than he could count. Harry was there as well; Remus hadn't seen the young wizard in months, and a stab of guilt went through his chest at seeing the messy-haired wizard at the Weasleys' dining table.
"Remus, so glad you could come," Molly greeted warmly. "You're the only one we were expecting today." She had already provided Remus a plate of food, with various foods piled precariously on it.
"Dora isn't going to be here?" Remus asked, slightly disappointed, as he had not seen a familiar pink-haired Auror at the gathering. Then again, he thought, she might have changed the color to red, green, or white for the occasion.
"No, Tonks won't be here," Molly said. "I invited her to lunch today, but she said she couldn't be here. I got the impression that she was spending Christmas alone."
"Alone?" Remus asked. "Doesn't she have her own family to celebrate with?" He sat down at the table across from Harry, confused that Dora wouldn't be joining Andromeda and Ted, nor would she be joining the Weasleys at the Burrow.
"I'm not certain, Remus," Molly said. "She won't be coming today."
"D'you reckon she's still upset about Sirius?" Harry asked.
"How do you mean?" Remus asked, cocking his head to one side in confusion.
"Her Patronus changed," Harry explained. "I saw it in September when I was late getting off the train. It used to be a rabbit and now it's this big four-legged thing. Is it normal for Patronuses to change?" Harry pointed the question at Remus.
Remus looked at Harry and hesitated as he took a piece of turkey and swallowed it. "Sometimes, a Patronus can change due to…emotional disturbances…upheavals…" He struggled to explain the change in Dora's Patronus without mentioning his own involvement with the young Auror.
Harry and the Weasleys appeared to accept the answer Remus had provided, with only Molly looking at Remus knowingly. Molly knew how and why Dora's Patronus had changed: it was all due to her feelings for Remus.
Molly's words cut at Remus' heart. How could Dora be spending Christmas alone? She shouldn't be alone. She should be, at the very least, with her loving parents. She should be at the Weasleys', celebrating a boisterous Christmas dinner with the raucous group of admiring teenagers. She should be anywhere but alone.
Remus spent the afternoon playing rounds of Exploding Snap and Wizards' Chess with the teenagers, while telling them about his upcoming mission with the werewolves. The teenagers seemed to think it was far more exciting than he did. Finally, Remus heard the clock chime at 6 pm. He glanced nervously around; the party was dying down as the teenagers were retreating upstairs, and Remus found himself staring blankly at the dying embers of the fire.
"Are you going to check on her, Remus?" Molly asked softly. "I think she would like to see you, even if for a moment."
"She'll be very angry with me," Remus said lamely. "I don't deserve to see her."
"I think she'll be the judge of that, Remus," Molly replied. "Take this," she ordered. "You can tell her it's simply to deliver this gift from us to her. Errol is far too old to be traveling to Scotland at this hour."
"You're sure she will want to see me?" Remus asked anxiously.
"Go, Remus," Molly suggested. "I think it will be good for you both." Remus hung his head but agreed to the witch's suggestion. He took the parcel in his hands, and said his goodbyes to all those at the Christmas party. Finally, he braced himself as he exited the Burrow and made his way out to the Apparition zone. With a turn of his heel and concentration, he vanished with a pop!
….
Remus arrived in Hogsmeade, near the gates to Hogwarts. He had one mission in mind: find Dora.
He walked out in front of the gates of the castle and made his way down the lawn towards Hogsmeade. Remus passed the Shrieking Shack on his way into the village – he would investigate the dilapidated hovel later. He remained curious about his ability to destroy an entire staircase as a wolf without fatally injuring himself in the process, according to Madam Pomfrey's summary following November's full moon, but that would have to wait. He needed to find Dora.
Remus walked to the end of the cobblestone street to find the Hog's Head. He entered the grimy pub, unsurprised that it was nearly empty on a Monday night. He walked up to the bar to find the barkeep, Ab.
"Aberforth," he greeted the barkeep.
"Remus," Aberforth replied curtly. "What do you need?"
"Is Nymphadora Tonks staying here?" Remus asked.
"What's she to you?" Aberforth eyed Remus warily.
"I need to see her, please," Remus said hopefully. "We're f-friends."
"She's not in," Aberforth replied, after glancing again at Remus. "Went for a walk. If you find her, tell her to come back early. She stays out too late for my liking, or for her safety." Aberforth shook his head.
"Thank you, Aberforth," Remus answered. "I'll try my best to find her." Aberforth grunted at him before going back to wiping the glasses at the bar with a questionable-looking dishrag.
She went for a walk. Remus wondered where Dora might be walking on the cold, blustery Christmas evening. He tried the shops first, but only The Three Broomsticks was open at this hour. Dora was nowhere to be found there. He walked up and down the cobblestone street, but was unable to find the young Auror.
Cursing his luck, he decided to turn to the only skill he knew best: scent. He closed his eyes and inhaled the cold, biting air. The scent was weak, but it was unmistakably Dora. He followed the scent as he went back up the street in the direction of the castle. He thought it was odd, but perhaps she had gone back up to the to speak with the Headmaster, or perhaps she had a shift patrolling the castle on the holiday.
Mysteriously, the scent grew stronger as he made his way towards the Shrieking Shack. That was very odd indeed; the month before, when he had gone to the Shrieking Shack to transform for the November moon, he had smelled her as strongly there as he was doing so at the moment. He chalked it up to his own madness, knowing she was in the village of Hogsmeade, but unable to see her.
The scent grew stronger as he crossed the property line of the Shrieking Shack. He looked up to the Shack and was puzzled to see a light through the window. She couldn't possibly…?
Dora's scent only grew stronger as he approached the Shack. There was no denying it; she was in the Shrieking Shack. But why?
Remus approached the all-too-familiar structure and inhaled deeply. He was bracing himself for the rage he was bound to receive upon finding Dora inside the Shack. Taking a few more deep breaths, he opened the door to the Shack.
"Dora?" he called. A faint sniffling could be heard from the parlor. Remus' heart tore upon hearing the sound; Dora must be crying. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply again, soaking in the scent of Dora. It was hers, though mixed with the dust and grime of the Shrieking Shack.
"Dora?" he called a little louder. The sniffling grew louder as he approached the parlor. He finally reached the threshold separating the corridor from the parlor. His heart nearly combusted from the flood of emotions that tore through it. His heart burst with joy at the sight of Dora – finally, Dora – before his very eyes. His heart broke simultaneously to see Dora in the state she was in. She was thinner than he'd ever seen her, and her skin was pale and dull. It had none of the glow he'd grown accustomed to. She was lying on the floor in the fetal position, crying. Her heart-shaped face was different as well; there were dark circles under her eyes, and her complexion was pale and clammy. Her hair was no longer vibrant or short; it was long, lanky, and mousy brown. She looked broken and beautiful all at once.
"Dora," Remus breathed, finally able to speak after studying every inch of her that he could see. Upon hearing her name, Dora uncurled herself from the fetal position in which she lay, and looked up.
"R-Remus?" Dora's voice cracked, and Remus was able to see the fullness of her face for the first time in months. She had been crying; her eyes were red-rimmed, her nose was pink and puffy, and cheeks were tear-stained. Remus' heart could barely handle the sight of her simultaneous beauty and desolation.
"Dora," Remus repeated, rushing to find Dora on the floor. He didn't think; he merely rushed to her side and took her into his arms, hugging her tightly against himself, greedy to inhale her scent and hold her warm, soft body against his own.
"I've missed you," Remus whispered. "I'm so sorry, Dora. So, so sorry."
She cried against him, her whole body shuddering in his arms with her heavy sobs. Remus' heart was in tatters at this point, with the shame and guilt of what he'd done washing over him. The vibrant, beautiful young witch he'd left behind was weeping violently in his arms, and he was confident he was the cause of her distress. Before he could say any more, he felt himself being knocked back into the wall forcefully.
Remus was slumped against the dusty wall of the parlor, his whole body sore from the force of the impact, as he looked up at Dora. She had her wand raised in her hand and pointed at him. Her face was still tear-stained, but her eyes were blazing with fury.
"How - could - you?" Dora asked, each word dripping with venom.
"Err," Remus stammered.
"How. Could. You." Dora said more forcefully. Remus was at a loss for words. He had collapsed against the wall and felt small underneath Dora's intense gaze.
"How could I…?" Remus began, startled.
"How could you fucking leave me like that? No communication? No bloody idea whether you lived or died? No notes, no Patronuses, nothing!" Dora shouted at him. Remus felt fresh waves of guilt and shame wash over him, and he forced himself to stay where he lay, knowing each word was well-deserved.
"YOU COULD HAVE FUCKING DIED! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED AND I COULD'VE NEVER SEEN YOU AGAIN! YOU FUCKING BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU?!" Dora bellowed. Her wand was emitting sparks and her body was shaking with rage.
"I…," Remus began tentatively.
"Oh no you fucking don't. You don't get to talk right now. Not after all you've put me through," Dora continued angrily. "Do you have any idea – any – of what I've been feeling?" Dora didn't wait for him to answer before she continued berating him.
"No, of course you fucking don't, because you haven't told me a bloody thing! And now you've come back – to what? Ask for my forgiveness? Tell me you love me but can't be with me? Break my heart another time?" Dora's chest was heaving up and down in her panting and fury.
"I should go," Remus mumbled and began stirring. As he attempted to stand, Dora strode across the room and grabbed Remus from the front of his jumper.
"No," Dora ordered fiercely. "You don't get to leave this easily. You are going to tell me why you came here and I don't want to hear any of your bullshit excuses." Remus' heart hammered in his chest as he looked Dora in the eye; they were dark in color today, and his heart skipped a beat at seeing them again.
"Tell me now," Dora said, releasing him from her grip on his jumper. "You put me through hell, Remus Lupin, and you'd better have a good reason why." Her face was set and threatening, eyes blazing with fury, but her features were softened slightly by her recent crying bout.
Remus' insides were twisting violently with anxiety, but he recalled what both Molly and Andromeda had told him – he needed to talk to her. She deserved this conversation. He owed it to her. He opened his mouth, and began to speak.