Tonks thought Remus looked worse for wear. He was dressed in newer clothes – the ones Tonks had gifted him months prior – but his hair had more grey streaks in it than she remembered. He looked exhausted, but his face was lined with anxiety and slight terror at being in Tonks' presence. Her body was aflame with rage; of all the emotions she'd expected to feel upon seeing Remus again, she had not expected rage would be the primary one. And yet, Tonks stood tall and proud, as her ex-boyfriend cowered on the floor beneath her.
Remus' chest heaved up and down as he breathed erratically.
"I…err," Remus stammered. Tonks glowered at him as she waited for whatever explanation he was going to provide for his lack of communication. She stood tall and firm, with her arms crossed over her chest in anger.
"Is there anything I can say to you that you'll accept?" Remus finally asked.
"Other than an apology?" Tonks retorted.
"Yes, and I'm sorry," Remus replied hastily.
"What are you apologizing for this time?" Tonks asked. He was always apologizing, but never for the right thing.
"For leaving you without any communication," Remus supplied. "For failing you terribly. For being unable to protect you last summer. For putting you in danger. For making you miserable by cutting you out so cruelly."
"Some of those things are right," Tonks muttered. "I don't blame you for being unable to protect me, and I certainly don't blame you for putting me in danger. It's not your fault you're a werewolf, and it's not your fault my aunt is a lunatic," she continued. "The rest is your doing. You did fail me, because you left me with that letter and the way you treated me cruelly after King's Cross. How could you do that to me, Remus? I thought you were the kindest man I'd ever known, and you treated me like shit," she spat. "How could you?"
"I thought I was doing right by you," Remus said quietly. "I thought that by no longer associating with me, you would be safer."
"You've already told me this," Tonks said angrily. "I don't agree with it, but you told me this. Why did you cut me off? Why didn't you say, write, or send me anything? I've been beside myself with worry for you. Thinking you'll turn up dead any day now, especially after the full moon? Fuck, Remus, it's bad enough to have you chuck me, but did you really have to do so in a way that made me worry you'd rather be killed than be with me?"
"It's not like that," Remus murmured. "I'd rather die than have you die."
Tonks put her hands in her limp, mousy hair and ran her fingers through the lank locks. "Did avoiding my death mean avoiding me altogether?" she demanded. "You didn't have to be so heartless."
"I thought it would be better for you," Remus explained sheepishly. "Clean break, as it were."
"I never wanted a break! I get it, you don't want to be with me," Tonks said angrily. "But you could've told me you were alive! I didn't want to lose you any more than I already had!"
"It's not that I didn't want to be with you, Dora," Remus said hastily. "Quite the opposite, really. I just couldn't be with you in a way that would keep you alive and well."
Tonks ran her fingers down her face in frustration. "So you chose to cut me out, keeping me alive, but not what I'd call well," she snapped. "Have you even looked at me?"
Tonks felt Remus' eyes was over her. He studied her features carefully, from the tips of her toes to the thin, ragged locks of mousy brown hair that hung past her shoulders.
"You've not been taking care of yourself," Remus murmured. "Why?" he looked up at her quizzically.
"Are you really that thick, Remus?" Tonks retorted hotly. "I've spent nearly every day for the last six months worried that you were dead! I've been stuck in Hogsmeade, being babysat by Dawlish and Proudfoot, having only Alfie as my company. Sirius is no longer alive, and if I'd taken down Bellatrix, maybe he still would be. What do you fucking think? It's not as if you're looking any better," Tonks added disdainfully. She felt slightly guilty in the moment; her temper had been running hot, and she knew better than to mock Remus' shabby appearance. The jab must have reached Remus' heart, as his eyes betrayed the hurt he felt.
"What I mean," Tonks exhaled loudly, "is that you're not taking care of yourself, either."
"I haven't," Remus said quietly. "What can I do to make this better?" He looked up at Tonks with wide, fearful eyes.
"Keep talking," Tonks ordered. "You don't want to be with me—"
"—That's not what I—"
"—If you wanted to be with me, you'd be with me, Remus," Tonks retorted. "I can't force you to be with me because of your own insecurities."
"That's not what it is," Remus said harshly. "Forgive me for trying to keep you alive," he added bitingly.
"I'm done with this conversation," Tonks interrupted. "If you're going to be like that, I'm done talking to you."
Remus' eyes widened, and he made a small sound in protest, but Tonks ignored him.
"You've been an absolute prick, Remus," Tonks said angrily. She stormed out of the parlor and towards the exit of the Shrieking Shack, passing the blasted stairs on her way out. The tears came back to her eyes and they stung in the cold December air as she made her way down the cobblestone street to the Hog's Head.
Tonks was angry at herself. She was angry at Remus. She had lost her temper multiple times with him, despite her overwhelming joy at seeing him alive. She was angry at Remus for leaving her, no matter what his reasons were. She was angriest that he had failed to communicate with her, and had no apologies or reasonable explanations for the lack of communication. She stormed down the lonely cobblestone street, merrily decorated for Christmas, furious at herself, at Remus, and at the shitty family she had.
Tonks finally made it to the Hog's Head in a huff, frozen tears stuck to her windswept face.
"You alright?" Aberforth asked concernedly, looking upon Tonks' disheveled, distraught appearance.
"No," Tonks retorted, and irately took the stairs two at a time, slamming the door to her room behind her. She tossed herself into the unmade bed, face first. The tears kept coming. Tonks curled herself into the fetal position on the bed and wept into the pillow. Her exhaustion took over, and she felt herself drift into unconsciousness.
….
Tonks woke the following day with a headache. She remembered the events of the prior evening; she hoped the night had been merely a nightmare, and not reality. She was still furious at herself and Remus for their poor communication skills, but she hadn't a clue how to patch things up. As Tonks thought about where Remus would be going next, she could only think of how cruel it had been that the last words she'd spoken to him had been to call him an 'absolute prick.'
Feeling uneasy and guilty, Tonks removed her sweaty, dusty clothes and found fresh robes to wear. It was now 26thDecember, so Alfie, Proudfoot, and Dawlish would be back at Hogsmeade for patrolling. They'd given Tonks the day off, as she'd patrolled on the 24th and 25th. Given the previous night, Tonks almost wished she were working so that she could enjoy the reprieve from her own mental anguish.
She heard her stomach grumble, and she groaned. She hadn't eaten dinner the night before, having been preoccupied with her own sadness again. She had no food in her room, either. Dejected and left without further options, Tonks descended the old stairs of the Hog's Head for lunch. She moved towards her usual spot but was taken aback when someone was already seated there: Remus.
"What are you doing here?" Tonks sighed, exasperated.
"I needed to see you," Remus said quietly. "Please, let me talk to you."
"Is he bothering you?" Aberforth interrupted, glaring at Remus, with his hand twitching towards his wand.
"No, he's not, Ab," Tonks said hastily. "Can I grab something and bring it up to my room? Remus and I can talk up there."
Aberforth grunted in agreement, and within a few painfully silent minutes, he had brought Tonks a bacon sandwich and pumpkin juice.
"If he gives you any trouble," Aberforth told Tonks gruffly, "let me know." Ab scowled at Remus, while Tonks smiled weakly at the old barkeep. She gestured for Remus to follow her, who looked as if he'd been petrified.
Tonks led them upstairs to her room, which was in a sorry state. She hastily cleaned off the small dining table and cleared the space where the chairs were, gesturing for Remus to sit.
"I didn't expect to see you again," Tonks said, as she bit into her sandwich. "You're not one to come back."
"This is important," Remus replied tersely. "I need to talk to you."
"I'm sorry I lost my temper with you last night," Tonks apologized. "I shouldn't have been so unkind to you."
"It was well-deserved," Remus sighed. "I hurt you greatly, and I'm ashamed of myself."
Tonks said nothing; she realized that Remus had likely been berating himself far more effectively than she could have hoped to berate him herself.
"So what is it that you needed to tell me?" Tonks asked, a bit more harshly than she had intended.
"I'm not sure where to begin," Remus said softly.
"Why don't you begin with what you've been doing," Tonks suggested. "Then tell me where you're going."
"O-kay," Remus said slowly. "After the battle last summer, I met with a mated werewolf couple I knew and their son, who also had a mate. Theirs is a self-sufficient family pack, and they did not want me to join them unless I had a mate." Tonks nodded in understanding.
"I then went to a settlement of unmated male wolves," Remus continued. "They didn't want me either, due to my, erm, alliances."
"What alliances?" Tonks asked. "The Order? Dumbledore? What would that have to do with you staying there?"
"The settlement I was in takes a firmly neutral stance, and they didn't want me stirring any trouble," Remus explained. "But they are also very against mates, and wish all their wolves to be completely detached from the idea of mating or mates in general. Unfortunately, I failed in that area."
"You found a mate?" Tonks asked, crestfallen. "You said you'd never…"
"NO!" Remus shouted. "No, no, no, Dora, I didn't," he added hastily. "I was referring to you."
"But we haven't mated?" Tonks asked. "I would've known, wouldn't I?"
"No, we haven't," Remus replied. "But the wolves could tell I had an attachment to you, and they deemed me unsuitable for the settlement. Their rejected wolves are typically sent to Fenrir Greyback's pack. A sort of unspoken agreement between the two packs."
"Is that where you've been? With Fenrir?" Tonks asked. She hadn't realized it, but she was now sitting at the edge of her seat and impatiently expecting the remainder of Remus' tale.
"Not yet," Remus said sadly. "I was an unusual case for the settlement, and I was offered the option of either leaving to be on my own or being sent to Fenrir. I told them I'd like to think on my own before joining Fenrir, so I was given the location of his pack. I discussed with Dumbledore, and he agrees that it would be most helpful to go undercover for Fenrir's pack next month."
"What does that mean for you? Your life?" Tonks demanded. "Won't Fenrir be vicious with you? He knows who you are! He knows who you stand for!"
"He does," Remus agreed. "He also knows I've been associated with you, as I can only assume that is how your aunt learned of our relationship. I intend on infiltrating his pack next month under the new knowledge that you and I are no longer together."
"There's no hope then," Tonks declared despondently.
"I'm sorry, Dora," Remus said sorrowfully. "I did think about what you said last night, and I want this next mission to be better. Different."
"Say more," Tonks asked. "How do you mean?"
"Dumbledore's given me an emergency Portkey in case I am found in mortal peril," Remus explained. "This will hopefully safeguard my life for the next few months."
"Months?"
"I suspect this will be a longer-term assignment."
"Oh."
"I will also be provided with Wolfsbane," Remus said. "It's why I'm not going until next month. Severus will be brewing it for me. We are not sure how the Wolfsbane will be detected or noticed while I am in the pack, and so the first moon will be without the potion, and the second moon I will be taking the potion."
"Will the potion keep you alive?"
"I'm not sure. It will keep my human brain intact, but werewolves very rarely kill one another during times of transformation. Killing is usually done as humans," Remus explained. "I will sustain injuries from running and battling the other wolves for a place in the pack, but I will be unlikely to die as a result of the moon itself."
"I want to hear more about this, Remus, but I forgot to ask you something," Tonks said. "Do you still howl when you take Wolfsbane?"
Remus looked taken aback. "No?" he ventured.
"When you take Wolfsbane, do you remember what you did the night before?"
"Yes," Remus confessed. "My human brain is kept and I remember everything I do. I usually just sleep the night away when I have Wolfsbane."
"Would you ever howl, though, with Wolfsbane? Or try to attack someone?" Tonks asked. She was recalling the November moon in the Shrieking Shack. She had assumed that wolf had had Wolfsbane, as it had not bitten her, but rather sniffed at her deeply before its slumber.
"I don't think so," Remus said with some confusion. "I have no interest in howling as a human. I hardly think howling as a werewolf would be any better."
"Is it the same for all wolves?" Tonks asked. "That is, if another werewolf takes Wolfsbane Potion, do you think they would howl?"
"Perhaps," Remus said quietly. "I'm not certain, however. Why do you ask these questions, Dora?"
"I had a run-in with a werewolf in November," Tonks said.
"YOU WHAT?! WHO WAS IT?" Remus shouted. "Are you alright? Are you safe? You're not a…are you?" He sniffed at the air, confused by whatever scents Tonks was giving off.
"A little shaken, but alright," Tonks replied. "The wolf didn't bite me at all, or even scratch at me. I thought it was going to kill me, but it just sniffed at me and went to sleep at my side."
"What in Merlin's name were you doing with a werewolf sleeping at your side?" Remus asked angrily. "Do you have any idea of how dangerous that is?"
"Do you think I planned this, Remus?" Tonks retorted. "I decided to take a nice stroll through the Shrieking Shack, and I wake up to howling. Dumbledore never mentioned there was another werewolf at the school!"
Remus' eyes grew wide as saucers. "The…the…Shack?" Remus' voice was strained and suddenly raspy.
"You spent the November moon at the Shrieking Shack?" Remus looked panic-stricken. He covered his face with his hands and then ran his fingers through his shaggy hair, causing it to stick up at odd angles.
"That's what I just said," Tonks replied. "There was a werewolf there, but it didn't hurt me. I tried to escape but it pinned me down. I was fucking terrified, but it didn't bite me. Just sniffed at me for awhile and went to sleep. I was sure it had to be a Wolfsbaned wolf."
"That wolf had not taken Wolfsbane," Remus croaked. "That was not a wolf on Wolfsbane." Remus had blanched; his pale skin had somehow paled further.
"How would you know?" Tonks asked, her interest now piqued. How in Merlin's name had she survived, then? "You said yourself that transformed werewolves are dangerous and bloodthirsty, and they would maul anyone in sight, whether friend or foe. That wolf didn't attack me. I managed to get away after it fell asleep, but I thought I was going to die that night," Tonks added.
"Dora, do you know what happened with the stairs at the Shrieking Shack?" Remus asked suddenly. His eyes were showing his agitation and anxiety; the flecks of gold in them danced erratically as his gaze fell back on Tonks.
"I blasted them apart," she replied quickly. "I was on the upstairs when I fell asleep in the Shack till I heard the wolf howl. It was beautiful at first, but it was painful. That poor wolf sounded like it was in distress, and it paced up and down the bottom floor. It's why I thought it was on Wolfsbane, as it wasn't clawing or biting at anything."
"Why did you blast the stairs apart?" Remus asked, his voice still strained with anxiety and fear. Tonks was confused at Remus' expression, but she assumed it had to do with her proximity to another wolf just a month prior.
"When the wolf saw me, it tried to lunge at me, and no matter how many spells I cast at it, I couldn't get it to stay down for much longer than a minute," Tonks explained. "I blasted the stairs to keep the distance, but I fell through eventually and that's when I really had to fight with the wolf. I almost gave up, too, till the wolf just sniffed at me and fell asleep. Really, Remus, that wolf had to have taken Wolfsbane. Maybe the person inside was just scared of me?" she wondered aloud.
"The wolf did not attack you," Remus repeated. "And yet it did not have Wolfsbane. Impossible. Simply impossible."
"Remus, that's what I'm saying," Tonks repeated in irritation. "It didn't attack me, which is impossible. It had to have had Wolfsbane!"
"Nymphadora," Remus said, and Tonks was taken aback at the use of her full name. He never called her Nymphadora. Tonks immediately became quiet at his use of her given name.
"Nymphadora," Remus repeated. "That wolf did not have Wolfsbane. I know. I know because I was that wolf."
Whatever Tonks had been expecting, it was not that.
"But how?" Tonks asked. "You weren't here! You told me the wolf would attack, no matter if it saw friend or foe! I was there, and you didn't attack!"
"It's impossible," Remus rasped. "Impossible."
"You keep saying that, Remus," Tonks noted. "Why is it impossible? You're sure it was you?"
"I spent the November moon at the Shrieking Shack so I could meet with Dumbledore the next day," Remus explained nervously. "I woke up the following morning in the Hospital Wing and Madam Pomfrey had told me I had smashed the staircase. I knew I could be destructive, but I didn't believe I could be that destructive. If what you're telling me is true, the staircase was your doing, and you saw me in my transformed state."
"It was really you?' Tonks asked in disbelief. "Why didn't you attack me?"
"I-I'm-I'm not sure," Remus stammered. "This should be impossible."
"Maybe you recognized my scent as a friendly one?" Tonks theorized.
"I'll have to ask others about this," Remus said. "I've never been able to control myself around anyone. Not even my parents."
Tonks and Remus sat in silence for several minutes, letting the perplexity of the situation settle. Tonks realized she had spent hours with a transformed, unmedicated Remus and had not only lived to tell the tale, but avoided becoming a werewolf herself.
"Well, when you figure that out," Tonks said slowly, "let me know. Until then, you're off to Fenrir?"
"I am," Remus said, apparently interrupted from his train of thought.
"Is that all you needed to tell me, then?" Tonks asked suddenly. "Off to leave me again without a trace?"
Remus winced. "Not quite," he said softly. "I will be leaving again, but I promise to communicate better with you."
"Won't that interfere with your grand plan to abandon me for my own safety?" Tonks asked sardonically.
Remus grimaced, but spoke again. "It will have to be careful communication," Remus said slowly. "I don't know if I will be able to receive any communication, but I will be trying to give you communication."
"Patronus Charm?" Tonks suggested, as Remus nodded.
"Letters are too easy to intercept, and they will smell like you," Remus said. "The Patronus Charm is my only option."
"What does this mean for us, then?" Tonks asked hopefully. "Can there be an us?" Remus frowned at Tonks' questions.
"I shouldn't have asked," Tonks said miserably. "Never mind."
"Dora," Remus said. "I implore you to understand me. I meant every word I said last summer. I love you too much to risk your life. I want what's best for you, and I truly believe that cannot be me. I am too old for you. I am too poor for you. I am too dangerous for you."
"But I don't care, Remus," Tonks urged. "You're not too old for me. You're not too poor for me. Fuck, I was unknowingly with you when you were transformed and you didn't hurt me! You're not as dangerous as you think!"
"Dora, even if that's the way it was every moon, it doesn't mean I'm safe," Remus explained, exhaling deeply through his nostrils. "Your aunt…she poses a complication. Other werewolves are a threat. It's not just me. It's everything that comes with me. I'm sorry, Dora, really. More sorry than you'll ever know."
"That shouldn't matter, Remus!" Tonks protested. "It doesn't! Please don't hide behind these excuses!"
"It's the truth, Dora," Remus sighed. "I can't do this to you. I can offer you a friendship at best, and from a distance, given our…history. I know I've hurt you, and I will promise to let you know that I am alive. I cannot pursue a relationship with you."
"Remus, I love you," Tonks said. "Please don't break my heart again."
"It's breaking mine too, Dora," Remus whispered. Tonks saw his eyes welling with tears, and a single one rolled down his cheek. "You can't imagine how painful this is for me, too. It would be far worse for me to lose you forever than to see you with another man."
"That's what you want for me?" Tonks began crying. "You want me to find someone else and forget about you?"
"Yes," Remus said, as more tears rolled down his cheeks. "I want you to be with someone who will give you the life you deserve. Someone who can protect you and keep you safe. I cannot be that someone. You've no idea how much it hurts to admit this, Dora." Remus' voice was cracking and the words had come out through half-choked sobs. "Dora," he sobbed. "Please, I just want you alive and well. I could never forgive myself if I was the reason you lost the life you deserved."
Tonks was crying as well, struck by Remus' raw honesty and pain, as well as feeling the knife cut through her gut once more.
"Remus, please, don't do this," Tonks begged, through her own tears. "This is hurting us both."
"I'll l-love you all the d-days of my life, Dora," Remus sputtered through sobs. "I will die a ha-happy man if you live a long, f-f-fulfilling life. Even if it's w-without – me." Remus had his face in his hands, the sobs coming out more violently than before.
Unable to stop herself, Tonks stood from her seat and embraced Remus. She was frustrated with him, heartbroken by him, and pitying him all at once. Her heart was torn in pieces by the man weeping at her tiny dining table, but she wanted nothing more than to make his own hurt go away and comfort him.
Tonks was hugging him fiercely, and he finally returned the hug by pressing his head against her chest and wrapping his own arms around Tonks' midsection, holding her tightly to him as his body was wracked with sobs.
"I'm so sorry, Dora," he murmured. "Please forgive me one day." He held her more firmly, and Tonks held her hands on Remus' head, holding his tear-stained face against her chest in their tight embrace. The minutes passed as the pair breathed heavily against one another, soaking each other with hot, salty tears.
"We're a right pair, aren't we?" Tonks joked weakly. "Pathetic sods who can't be together." Remus shuddered against Tonks' words, releasing his embrace slightly to look up at her face.
"You could never be pathetic, love," Remus said, brushing Tonks' hair away from her face. "You're beautiful, brilliant, and vibrant. Pathetic is never a word to describe you."
"I can't morph anymore," Tonks mumbled. "I haven't been able to since last summer." Remus froze in her arms.
"Did she do this to you?" Remus ventured.
"My aunt didn't do this to me, Remus," Tonks replied pitifully. "I think you know who did."
Fresh sobs emerged from Remus' body as he flinched against Tonks' thin frame. "Dora, I'm so sorry I did this to you," he cried. "I could never deserve you." Remus' fresh sobs left him trembling against her in his own grief. Not knowing what else to do, Tonks held Remus' head against her chest, trying to soothe him, despite her own sorrow.
"Can't be helped," Tonks mumbled. "One day I hope it will be better."
"It will," Remus said fiercely. "You'll find someone who deserves you. You'll get your colors back." He looked back up at Tonks' red-rimmed eyes, and tucked the limp locks of hair behind her ears.
"You're beautiful without them, you know," Remus said, looking at Tonks. She looked down at herself in disgust; without her morphing, she had dark circles under her eyes, clammy, pale skin, and dull, mousy-brown hair. Everything about her was dull and drab.
"You only say that because you love me," Tonks murmured.
"I'll always say that, no matter how I feel about you," Remus whispered. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my eyes on, regardless of how you morph."
"You're really going to leave me again?" Tonks asked quietly. "Do you have to?"
"I'm going to go to Fenrir," Remus replied quietly. "I will communicate with you with regard to my health. I promise you this. I cannot promise you more."
"I hope you change your mind someday," she mumbled.
"Me too, my love," Remus said, kissing Tonks' hand. "For now, this is all I can offer you. I truly am sorry."
"Stay with me tonight? Please?" Tonks said. "Just be with me. In case y'know, something happens to you."
"I will," Remus promised. "I couldn't let myself go without telling you I loved you one more time."
"I love you, Remus," Tonks whispered.
"I love you too, Dora," Remus said. "I wish it was enough."
Tonks embraced Remus once again and held him close to her. If only it could be like this forever.
They eventually moved to her bed, where they slept through the night, clothed and desperately longing for one another. By the time the morning light came, Remus was gone.