Not beta-ed.

Breaking the Cycle

Chapter 4

Ryan had been surprised when he'd gotten home. He'd spent way too much time with Missy and had eventually come home at 2am. There had been no frantic text messages on his phone and the house had been in darkness, no Sandy sat in the kitchen ready to dole out punishments, no Seth bouncing around desperate to know where he'd been since just after lunch. He'd been too tired to correlate what this meant, he'd just thought that he'd been lucky for a change. It was only when he had exited the shower the next morning and found Sandy sitting in the chair of seriousness that he'd realized that he had not breezed past the tower of broken curfew-dom. He'd expected a rant about rules but instead he'd gotten the 'are you okay, want to talk' speech. His brain clicked the pieces into place. Part of him wanted to be pissed at Missy because it was clear that she had blabbed to his guardians but he couldn't quite bring himself to be annoyed at her interference because deep down it was probably the first time he had a girlfriend who had shown that level of care for him. Missy was a smart cookie and it looked like she had managed to bail him out of a punishment this time.

He'd briefly told Sandy a potted version of what had happened although he suspected that Missy had probably gotten there first with the whole story. Sandy had listened then had gently told him that he needed to put some distance between himself and the young family and concentrate on his school work, this was an important time for him and what with the work he still put in at the refuge and running around after Danny and his mom, maybe now was the time to be selfish and take a bit of time out for himself. Ryan had listened and nodded where appropriate. Sandy had looked surprised at his easy acquiescence. He'd looked at him for a long beat before slapping him on the shoulder and leaving, obviously happy the way the chat had gone.

The thing was Ryan didn't see he held much sway in the matter, unless Becky had a change of heart then he was out of their lives. And he felt so damn awkward now, why the hell had Becky made 'that' revelation…he didn't deserve it. He'd screwed up things again; this was his entire fault as usual. He'd been going through a strange patch with Missy many months ago, after one argument to many he'd ended up at Becky's. Becky must have gotten confused with the whole idea of what a comfort fuck was about and it had clearly meant a lot more to her than it did him but at the time it had seemed right, something they had both needed. Ryan wasn't proud of the fact that he'd slept with her, it was just another in a long line of bad decisions that he'd been making at the time. She had said that she understood it for what it was but obviously not.

Shit, it was just another thing for him to feel guilty about, as Summer said he should really learn to keep it in his pants.

He had come clean with Missy the day after, hell… he'd had to, he was never good at hiding guilt and he couldn't expect Becky to lie for him. It had not been pretty. Missy had shouted, thrown a chair at him and several other objects, threatened in no uncertain terms to make a eunuch out of him, and told him she was an inch from 'fucking killing him' but the odd thing was, that one messy episode defined and cemented their relationship. It had made him realize how much Missy meant to him.

He'd just never been good when it came to verbalizing it. Ryan pondered on this, he had thought he loved Marissa but that had been just an empty teen romance where they spent most of their time arguing, splitting up or getting back together.

He loved Missy, he thought that went without saying but after the 'episode' he had really meant it although he'd never really told her that…oh he had muttered the words in the throws of passion but that didn't count…. damn he'd been known say anything on the brink of orgasm when his brain malfunctioned in a puddle of lust. But as to actually saying the words out loud… he couldn't bring himself to say them often. Freud would probably have something to say about that as would his therapist 'if' he was honest with him but Ryan was still pretty much playing the 'I'll tell you what I want you to hear' game with him even after a year. The fact that Becky had used the 'I love you' thing on him freaked him out more than he cared to say.

So he was screwed. By his own hand he had fucked yet another

good thing up, he should have known that Becky was not the type of girl who would breeze past one bout of comfort sex and be cool with it even though she told him at the time she was. Ryan picked up his school bag…yup fucked up again and Danny the innocent in all this would be the one to suffer, although he was probably blowing this all out of proportion. Danny would probably forget all about him in a few weeks, kids were more resilient to change than you gave them credit for.

So Ryan was calm. He would deliberately take a back seat because that is what he needed to do, it wasn't what he wanted to do but the people that he respected the most had told him firmly that's what needed to be done so he would take a step back. It didn't mean he had to like it. Seth, Summer, Missy and Sandy couldn't all be wrong so he would bow to their judgment. Maybe he had been getting too involved.

It was strange, for the next few weeks everyone walked around him like they were treading on eggshells. He missed Danny and he did worry but as everyone kept telling him the kid would be fine…Becky would not let anything happen to him, Becky was not Dawn…Becky was not Dawn, he kept repeating that to himself. The thing was that Ryan actually started feeling depressed that people expected him to fall apart. It made him realize just how much his previous meltdown had affected everyone and he hated that but as the weeks went on he found himself letting go by degrees. He sent Danny a few gifts and he was sure that Becky wouldn't withhold them, which salved his conscience; he didn't want Danny to think that he had just dumped him. He did his best to move on and it seemed to be working.

He found that his schoolwork improved slightly due to the extra time he now had, he felt selfish that he was enjoying the free time at his disposal now he wasn't sitting for Danny or running errands for Becky. Maybe there was something in this whole living for yourself philosophy, he just felt uncomfortable with it all but he was learning.

Ryan was at a loose end, he was up to date with all his schoolwork, he had nothing really to do at the refuge, and Seth was out with Summer. Even Missy had chased him out of her office claiming that she did not need distracting, as she was too busy. Saturday's like this sucked. He hated not having anything to do or anywhere to go.

He drove around Chino for a while thinking that he might catch up with a few of the old school but decided that there was no-one from the old days that he really wanted to see anymore, the whole phrase of 'cans' and 'worms' sprung to mind so he decided to leave well alone.

He drove around the old neighborhood for old times sake, thinking about how much his life had changed, he lost himself in his thoughts. He didn't consciously know he was driving in a certain direction until he arrived. It was almost a shock when he found himself outside the small house on Brown Street. He parked the car and pondered on how and why he had ended up here. It had been weeks, maybe Becky had calmed down by now, maybe she'd met someone else and he'd be off the hook. Or maybe she would go ballistic that he was here after all she'd said. He glanced nervously at the house, should he just go and apologize for the way the last meeting had ended or should he just respect that she wanted him as far away from them as possible? Shit …things had gotten way complicated.

He shut off the engine and got out the car. It would be rude not to knock now, what if she saw the car and he just drove off, that would be creepy like he was turning into a stalker or something. He broadened his shoulders and took the plunge it couldn't make things worse.

He knocked on the door and waited.

Nothing…. not home. Maybe it was for the best.

He turned back to the car and walked down the path.

"Yoo-hoo." A voice called from behind him.

He turned to see the nosy old bespectacled English lady from next-door hurrying down her path towards him. Usually all he saw was the twitching of her curtains whenever he arrived or had left in the past.

"Hello Mrs. Chivers." He said in answer to her call.

She bustled over to him, all high dudgeon and floral print.

"I couldn't help but notice you knocking and just had to come out and see you. Dreadful business." She shook her head and was positively bursting with excitement.

"Dreadful business." She repeated.

Ryan smiled and tried to be nice but he had never had much time for busybodies.

"You haven't heard then I take it…no you couldn't have or else why would you be here." She smiled smugly.

Ryan frowned.

"Heard what?"

Mrs. Chilvers gave a big sigh as if she hated to be the bearer of bad news but if someone had to do it then so be it that it just had to be her.

"It was a dreadful business, we had the police out here several times. I said to Mrs. Fincklemann over the street, I said if that nice young boy were here he would have stopped it."

Ryan felt his irritation grow along with certain unease. The woman continued.

"Many was the night that I couldn't sleep because of their arguing, going at it hammer and tongs they were, terrible. I could hear everything through the wall, they are not very thick you know dear. She'd be crying and he'd be yelling. Dreadful. It's the boy I felt sorry for. We never had trouble like that when you were around."

"Who was yelling?" Ryan heart beat faster.

"Her young man."

She lent in conspiratorially.

"He hit her you know. Many the time I saw her with a face like a smacked behind. I said to Mrs. Fincklemann that he was a wrong-un I did. I can sense these things just by looking at a person and his eyes were way too close together. Anyway the landlord got fed up with the complaints and evicted them he did, about a week ago. I don't know why a nice girl like that would put up with it. Some of these young girls like it I think…that must be it or maybe she was doing drugs, 'slap cocaine' or whatever it's called, you hear about that all the time on the news. Shame with a young kiddy in the house, sweet little boy he was. Looked like a little ghost by the time they left."

Mrs. Chilvers folded her arms and looked satisfied with herself. Ryan tried to control his breathing.

"I said to myself that you couldn't have known on the account of you knocking so I just had to come out and tell you."

"Where did they go?" Ryan had to stop himself from taking the stupid woman by the shoulders and shaking her.

"I'm sure I don't know dearie, he looked mad though as they loaded the van, shouted rude words at me he did. Said it was all my fault. Well really….I had to do something. This used to be a nice quiet neighborhood before he moved in. They could be anywhere now but good riddance I say."

Ryan turned and walked away before he did something he'd regret. He sat in the car and rested his head on the steering wheel. He felt the dizzy and sick. He tried to ignore the specter of Mrs. Chilvers as she stood staring at him obviously imprinting this meeting in her memory to tell Mrs. Fincklemann over tea later.

Shit, why the fuck had he listened to people. He should have known better.

Where the hell were they? And why the hell had she gone back to Mike. Shit…shit.

Tbc

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