"I hate you."
"I wouldn't be caught dead with you!"
"Don't get me wrong... Do you really think I could ever like you?"
"You have nothing to do with my life anymore. Get away from me! ... and don't call me anymore!"
"Stubborn bastard... Don't follow me around anymore."
"Your type makes me sick!"
"I'm sorry.., We're nothing more than friends."
"Annoying bastard... Why don't you learn to give up? There's no way I'd ever go back to you."
"I HATE YOU! Go away!"
"It'd be better if you'd never been born. Dammit, get away from me! I hate you!"
"You're a pain in the ass!"
"Wimp."
As soon as I opened my eyes, I could finally stop listening to those voices and stare at what was in front of me.
An unfamiliar ceiling.
My hands were covered with bandages, but other than that, I couldn't notice anything wrong .
Besides the fact that this bed is too small and those... strands of hair touching my shoulders?
"Ikari... you're finally awake... how do you feel?" - I could hear a woman's voice calling me. What was her name again?
"Ah... I'm sorry, miss..."
"Ibuki. And that guy over there is Hyuga. Do you remember us?"
"I... I remember. You guys work with Misato don't you? Where is she?"
I watched as they looked into each other with a weird expression on their faces. The woman made a brief signal of concordance with her head and the man started to talk to me.
"Ikari... what is the last thing you remember?"
A question that, at first glance, seemed to be quite simple started to make me feel a pain in my head. Everything still seemed very confusing and I took a few moments to try to remember yesterday's events. Or, at least, what happened before I ended up in this hospital room.
"I... I remember that we were going to… a battle? I was inside the Eva… I… don't remember anything else. W-what happened?"
"I see. Well... I think you'd better see for yourself." - the man said as his partner pulled a mirror from her purse and handed me the object in hand.
And then I could see it.
An unfamiliar face.
I am not sure for how long or how many days had passed been since I had that conversation with them.
From what I could understand, I've failed… and the angels won somehow. The world didn't end, but Third Impact happened and life out there will never go back to normal.
No surprises there. What they were thinking? Betting all of their chips on me to defend humanity? It was only a matter of time before I blew it.
Misato, Toji, Kensuke... probably Ayanami too. They are all dead. And so is my father. Why should I be the only one alive? I'm a failure even at that.
That old sensation of not knowing what to do anymore hit me harder than the previous time. Why did NERV take care of me all this time if I am no longer needed?
I just wanted to have access to my old SDAT with my precious songs at that moment. I had no intention or desire to see anybody or anyone anymore. Dying would be...
"Ikari?"
I looked at the door and saw a young soldier in a black suit standing at it.
"Oh... hi. Sorry, I'm not good with names. You're…"
"Hi Shin... pilot Ikari. I'm, section 2 agent, code-name Zack Ray. I'm here to guide you back to your quarters. It's nothing like a five star's hotel, but it will be more comfortable than that hospital room."
Quarters. Right. After all this time and what happened to Misato it would be silly to think that I could return to that apartment.
It was only for a short time but... I managed to feel at home together with Misato and Penpen.
On second thought now, it was very foolish of me. To think that I could have found something close to a home.
"So? Ready to go?" - the soldier said, offering him a gentle pat on his head.
"Erh... yes, excuse me. Let's go."
What they called quarters actually looks like a mixture of a hotel room and a prison cell. A bed, a closet, a chair and a small table, and a door to the bathroom. No kitchen. Just a plastic cup and toiletries by the bathroom sink.
Opening the cupboard, I could see a few clothes, a stack of papers and a pen... and, to my surprise, a cello, standing next to a folder containing some sheet music scores.
"Officer Ray... by any chance did you guys manage to retrieve my SDAT device?"
"What? No, I'm sorry. I think that what is here is all that they were able to recover from your personal belongings."
"I see..."
"Well, try to rest and distract yourself a bit. In the next few days, we will probably need you." – said the soldier trying to give me some kind of a reassuring smile.
I didn't answer right away. The silence lasted for a few seconds.
"To pilot the Eva?"
The soldier paused for a few moments, speaking with a sad voice before closing the door - "Try to rest a bit ok? It's pointless to think about things that you can not redo."
The answer was clear. Why else would they have gone to all this effort to keep me alive? I realized at that moment that I was destined pilot Eva. This is a curse from which I won't be able to escape. Ever
But what alternative was left for me in my life?
If the boring lectures about the Second Impact that I had endured at school were mildly accurate, then probably the world was destroyed and probably full of war, famine or even worse things.
Everyone I had ever met was either dead or won't care about me at all.
There was no chance for me to have a normal life anymore. I resigned to the fact that I would keep piloting Eva forever, until someone makes me to stop.
I thought so.
Until someone stops me? I wonder where I...
Suddenly, I remembered the cello. Maybe the only thing left from my past.
Music always was the only thing that was able to make me disconnect from the world and have a few moments of peace. I always liked to play... to remember of better days. And to imagine that
Carefully, I took my cello out of the cupboard, as well as the sheet music list to try to play something.
I knew it would be tricky to play it with those broken hands, so I would have to try to settle for something easy.
There were many sheet music scores in the folder, but apparently one of them was more worn-out than the rest, as if it had been used several times. Interestingly, I didn't remember this song or this composer, but I suppose it was a very simple one for beginners.
After all, it was a piece called "Suite #1".
I carefully picked up the cello and, looking at the sheet, began to try to produce some sound.
The cello, to my surprise, was perfectly in tune. As if it was just waiting for a musician capable of extracting beautiful notes from this instrument.
After several minutes, I returned the cello and the sheet music folder to the cabinet, and laid down on the bed.
I could not even get a single chord right.
Pathetic.
On the next morning, Ray opened the door of my luxury cell. We walked, in silence, for a while, doing deeper inside this facility.
It was quite different from the Geofront, but still a really claustrophobic and uncomfortable place to be. All those corridors and intersections made me feel like I was lost.
Everything was very confusing, as were my memories. I should ask more questions and find out what really happened. But whenever I when I tried to remember details of the last battle simply my head started to hurt.
"We have arrived."
As we entered this area of the facility, I was impressed. The noise was very loud and there were hundreds of people working on various tasks.
The only time I remember seeing anything like this was when there was a blackout at Nerv headquarters and even my father had to come down to help prepare the Evas for the manual launch.
That day we fought the angel that looked like a giant Spider. Ayanami sent me the rifle and I... I...
"Is everything okay with you, Shinji?"
"What? Oh yeah...sorry. I guess the noise bothered me a little."
We made our way downstairs, toward Ibuki and Hyuga, who were working at a computer with a huge screen. Besides them were two military officers.
"Oh... welcome back. Shinji, have you gotten better?"
"Yes." No. Of course not.
"This is Dr. Ienekko and Lieutenant Kazumi Minagawa. They will help you with your test."
"Oh… ok. But… this... is not an Evangelion."
"Correct, Ikari." – the doctor said - "You remember this robot, don't you? You had to face it on the battlefield remember?"
Some flashes of memory started to cross my mind.
A giant remotely controlled robot created by Japan Heavy and Chemical Industries Consortium. It went rampage for some reason, but I managed to intercept it with Unit 1 and was able to put Misato inside that robot to deactivate it manually.
"It's the…. Jet Alone?"
"Good. I can see that your memory is sharp".
"Y-yes." - Definitely not. – "But…. If it's not an Eva, then…. why I'm here?"
The Lieutenant gave an immediate answer.
"The Japan Heavy and Chemical Industries Consortium was integrated to the Japan Strategic Self Defense Force shortly before…. Third Impact happened. Since the test proved that the artificial intelligence wasn't good enough to be reliable in a real combat situation, the robot was adapted to a pilot system, akin to the one that you used to have in Evangelion units. That way, it will also be able to generate an A.T. Field. Miss Ibuki there was the great mind behind this project." – she said as noticed that Ibuki blushed a little, but showed a sad face.
"Don't worry Shinji." – the doctor spoke again – "You will be getting inside an entry plug and the controls will work out just like you are used to do in the Evangelion."
After putting on a plug suit for the first time in years, I realized that the discomfort and nausea that I've always felt before stepping inside into an entry plug.
I looked again at the robot in front of me before entering the plug.
The model was similar to the one I remembered, except that instead of a red visor at the height of its head, there was a shapeless, rhizomatic mass of organic matter in that place, spreading out to the arms and legs of the robot, like some kind of parasite.
As I finally managed to enter the entry plug, the first thing that I've noticed is that the feeling of claustrophobia seemed much greater than before and the smell of the LCL and beginning to fill the plug was strangely familiar.
What kind of perv talk is that?
There was nothing perverted about it. The smell was extremely uncomfortable.
"Ready for activation!"
"Begin test! All power systems engaged!"
"Pressure values normal. Starting synchronization with the pilot".
I took a deep breath and prepared myself to synchronize with this...thing.
Part of me hoped that I would fail, so that they would finally discard me and I wouldn't have to disappoint anyone anymore.
But I knew I wouldn't be so lucky, and my suspicions were soon confirmed as I heard Ibuki's voice over the radio.
"All harmonics nominal. Self-psychograph stabilizing. "
I felt something coming straight into my head. Some… memories?
A telephone booth. Rei Ayanami. A Renault Alpine A310. Misato Katsuragi. A N2 Mind. An angel. The Geofront. Ritsuko Akagi. My father. Professor Fuyutsuki. A battle. A kid getting hurt.
A penguin. School. A punch to my face. Toji Suzuhara. Kensuke Aida. Another battle. Running away. A camping trip. Return to… home?
Another angel. My skin is burning. Ayanami. A shield. Center the target, pull the trigger. Can not fail. She should smile more often. Jet Alone. Rampage. Misato entering the robot. This robot.
Something is odd.
"Harmonics level raising. Synchronization rate passing the threshold. 50%. 60%. 90%. 110%!"
"Power it down. Emergency shutdown!"
"Shutdown signal sent!"
"Signal not received!"
"Radio channel also dead!"
"Ibuki, the pilot's condition is top priority!" –
the doctor said.
"Make it faster!" - I heard the Lieutenant speaking - "Is he going to relapse?"
"End. Repeat the emergency shutdown protocol with double override" – said Ibuki.
The sea. The sun. Yellow. White. Doesn't seem like much. An Angel. Red Unit 01. Ryoji Kaji. Another angel. Dancing with Rei is the key for winning the battle. Mama. A volcano. Dive inside it to retrieve an angel. Dummy. You're really pressing your luck. A blackout. A Spider. Killed it. Who knows what they think? An Angel falling from the sky. I manage to catch it. A ramen for a reward. We know how poor you are.
A virus in the MAGI. Unit 00 going berserk. A shadow dragging me to a place called "Dirac Sea". Toji is a new pilot. The Dummy System injures him because of my inaction. I run away again. Ayanami tries to kill an Angel with a N2 bomb. I return to Nerv. Get trapped inside the Eva. Mother?
Ayanami kills an angel with the Spear of Longinus. She dies in the next battle. Kaji is dead. Ritsuko and Misato are hiding things from me. Kaworu appears and tells me that I'm worth of his grace. He hijacks Toji's Evangelion. He asks me to kill him.
I don't want to live anymore. Soldiers from the JSSDF are trying to kill me. Misato protects me, only to take a bullet to her stomach. She kisses me. A taste of blood. The Eva cages. I hear Ibuki screaming at the ratio. I'm…. late? To do something… Don't they ever stop!? And I can't even count on that idiot Shinji!
The sight of a destroyed Eva. An inhuman scream. And then, nothing.
A... familiar ceiling?
I guess it means that the test was a failure, as expected. Well, at least they would have no reason to keep me here anymore. So I…
Wait, what is that feeling on my face?
Tears?
I was crying.
And weeping profusely.
Like I had never cried before. And I couldn't figure out why these tears kept falling.
I... never felt like this before. A feeling of sadness and emptiness. As if an important part of me had been torn away and lost forever.
I wondered what had happened. It could only be... the test. Yes, during the synchronization test I could see several memories more clearly.
How could I forget that? Toji, Rei, Kaworu, Misato… I had hurt them all. They died because of me. All the pain. All the suffering. Eva was and always will be a curse! I resolved that I won't pilot again. I would rather die than do that.
"Nobody is going to force you to do anything, Shinji."
I shut up immediately upon hearing that voice. Was I speaking all those things out loud? Did they hear me? In any case, it didn't matter anymore. I had already made my decision. They could kill me, but I wouldn't pilot that thing again.
"Hey Shinji. Do you remember me? Remember what happened after your last battle in Eva?"
When I looked toward the window, I saw a man, wearing a uniform with various markings and insignia, that made me remember Kensuke's lessons. It meant that this man had a high military rank. And then new memories came to my mind.
The Japan Strategic Self Defense Force. Flamethrowers. Human bodies on fire. 'Nothing personal, kid'. Gunshots. Misato bleeding.
I couldn't do anything but vomit a disgusting green liquid on the room's floor.
The man came to my side and, calmly taking off his uniform jacket, began to wipe my vomit off the floor. What kind of trick they were planning? Did he think this display of sympathy was going to be enough to make me reconsider my decision?
"Shinji. After the last battle... well, things have gotten tough these past few years. Many people understood that most of the world's governments and leaders were manipulated by Seele and the schemes that your father was involved in, using the Evangelions not to protect humanity, but for selfish interests." - the man spoke as he lowered himself to the ground, trying to absorb as much vomit as possible into his jacket, not caring about getting dirty.
"But other people... even though they got a second chance, they didn't learn anything from... everything that happened. Instead of trying to collaborate to build a better world they returned only to satisfy their selfish desires. Seeing the current state of the world, they did not accept this outcome and began to want revenge. Not only against those responsible for that ending, but against all those they saw as enemies, as if that could change reality and make this destroyed world be like they want it to be."
"Who... who are you?"
"Commander Amai Yadoraki." - the man replies as he throws his coat into the sink and begins to wash his hands - "I stood as the designated government official after Third Impact to ensure the order of all Japan. And also... the safety of all those who worked for Nerv during the war against the Angels."
"Liar!" - I shouted in anger. "Your people invaded Nerv. You killed Misato! And now you want to use me to be a weapon of war! I won't allow that, I won't." - I froze as I felt his hand gripping my hair tightly. After a few seconds and a few movements, the man released me, and I could see that my hair was tied up, in a sort of ponytail.
"Shinji. I know it's hard for you to believe people. Even more so a JSSDF soldier. But be assured that I and many others care about you. And we have gone to great lengths to protect you for all these years from those who harbor an irrational hatred for you and would like to see you dead, unhappy or gone forever. They blame the Evangelions and everything related to it for the failures in their lives and for the current state of the world."
I kept quiet. His rhetoric was impressive, but words are just words. Instruments of manipulation. No one has ever known how I feel. No one has ever sought to understand me."You really think you understand me! You think that you can help me? That is so arrogant! You couldn't possibly understand me!"
My silence was interrupted by a loud noise and a trembling sensation. That sounded like... an Angel attack?
"Our defenses have been breached. Without the use of an AT-Field and without the New Jet Alone's presence on the battlefield, this will all be over in a matter of minutes."
I looked into that person's eyes. He didn't seem to be lying. It was a situation similar to that day when I first entered an Evangelion. Only this time I was not going to repeat the same mistake. It is an illusion to think that I can do anything to change fate. After all, doing nothing is sometimes a worse option than trying to do something.
"Like I said, Shinji, nobody will force you to do anything. I will not invoke the memory of Misato Katsuragi, Ryoji Kaji or... other pilots in order to make an emotional appeal for you to fight again." - says the man as he heads for the door and pulls out his communicator to give instructions.
I raise my head slightly and watch as the man leaves the room. Before he left, he stopped and looked me in the eye
"However, I feel complied to tell you the same words that you've told me on the first time we met. 'The future freaks me out, but even when in doubt where to go, I know that there is a light that never goes out. So, as long as I know that she is somewhere out there, I will take the long and winding road'."
What?
Were those words that he said... mine? Had I really said that? No, I didn't really remember saying those words. Those sad words seemed like... brave, determined words... words that I really couldn't imagine coming out of my mouth.
However, those words made me feel again that melancholic feeling of emptiness and an indescribable urge to cry.
But they also awakened another feeling. That something had to be done. That I couldn't just stand there crying and do nothing. Not again. Images of a destroyed Evangelion on the battlefield came to my mind. I want to help… in some way.
"Then, don't do anything. Because all you ever do is hurt me."
No.
I quickly stood up, ignoring the dizzy feeling and headed for the door, shouting with all my might a resounding "Wait!"
In a matter of minutes, I was back inside the entry plug, to synchronize with the same alien core that almost killed me last time. This time, for real. To fight on the battlefield. But the opponents would not be Angels. They would be other human beings.
Why I decided to do this? I... never wanted to do this... I...
"Shinji, do you copy me?"– I could hear Ibuki's voice calling me.
"Y-yeah...
"Good. Listen to me. We're going to restrict the sync rate limit to 30% this time, so as to avoid the problem we had last time. You may not be able to move very well with these sync levels, but that's okay. We have positioned ourselves to set up a defense in depth to withstand the attacks. We just need you to try to generate an AT-Field so that we can defend against the bombardments. Since the Jet Alone's power is provided by an internal reactor, you don't have to worry about the time limit. Just do the best you can until your body holds out, okay? Reinforcements are on the way. Good luck, Shinji.
The sunlight blinded me for a few moments. I was prepared to see a war scene, but what I saw made me even more impressed than I imagined.
The seawater was red, like blood. There was no sign of vegetation, just a devastated and desert landscape. On the horizon, I could see signs of an imminent invasion. Several warships were approaching the shore and some of them firing on the shore.
But fortunately, these conventional weapons presented no risk or threat to an AT-Field.
As I concentrated and took a deep breath, I could feel the familiar sensation of the AT-Field projecting from the organic components that were attached to the Jet Alone.
Another volley of shots came. All of them were easily barred by the AT-Field. Likewise, the next round of shots didn't even tickle.
After a few minutes, the attacks ceased.
"Shinji... excellent performance." –I could hear the Commander's voice– "However, remain in position. It is your presence on the battlefield that is making the difference, but we still have to wait for the reinforcements to arrive to make sure they will retreat, ok? I urge you to hang tight for a little while longer."
"Ok... I... I think I can do that."
I sighed with relief. If everything worked out, I could continue to do my part and simply force them to retreat. I could protect people without hurting anyone. And everything would be solved.
But, as always, this hope was dashed in no time. The warships began to come closer and closer to the shore, and smaller, faster ships began to come closer too. Were they thinking of making a land invasion? If that was the case, I would have to intercept them somehow and in doing so I was going to... kill those people.
"What? They are deploying it here, over the sea?"
"Shinji! Be careful!"
I will never forget the scene I witnessed. Something shapeless and gigantic appeared inside the main ship and, disconnecting itself from some sort of rope, took a great leap in the air, landing and destroying several smaller ships as it approached the shore at great speed, until it stopped at the edge of the beach, a few kilometres from where I was.
Only then I could see its real nature.
The figure was humanoid, but it looked like something out of a nightmare. Like it was an Angel. No. It was a little different. It was more like a zombie Evangelion, with remains of organic matter decomposing and its appearance revealing a mixture of bones, tissue and rotting flesh all over its body.
I should have been frightened by the monstrous figure that was probably deployed there with the goal of killing me. But my mind could only think of something else. A… pleasant feeling?
How? How is it possible that a giant robot like that could move as precisely and gracefully as it just did? That sight gave me a feeling of nostalgia, and soon after, that now familiar feeling of intense and deep sadness.
I could barely react when that monster started running towards me and, in one precise movement, jumped up and planted both his feet in a swift attack that hit Jet Alone directly in its chest.
I barely had the time to brace myself for the impact. Next thing I remembered, I was watching the world spin as the robot that I was piloting rolled several times on the ground from the force of the impact.
"Shinji! Get up! You need to fight back. Otherwise, you will be killed there."
"What... what is that? It's an... Eva?"
I got no answer.
"I asked what is that! Is there... someone piloting it?"
I looked up only to see the monster towering over me.
I guess I deserved that. It was over, I had nothing else to do. I won't fight another pilot. Not after what happened to Toji. And this time the stakes weren't as high. We weren't fighting Angels, but other humans. If we surrendered, sure, it would be bad for everyone involved but the world and mankind would survive.
I felt a kick on my head. Then another. Why? The Zombie Eva wasn't going for the kill? It was… mocking me? I could swear that this thing was looking at me in a way that expressed plain disgust.
"Shinji, fight back! Remember that the Jet Alone doesn't have a time limit for operation, but this enemy does."
He was right! I could win this fight and without killing anyone. I just needed to wait until the internal batteries of this Zombie Eva ran out.
I tried to get up, but my opponent soon realized my attempt and applied another strong direct hit to Jet Alone's right shoulder, which made me fall again.
I rolled to the side again, trying to distance myself, but it was useless. The Zombie Eva, although smaller than the Jet Alone, was faster and its pilot was extremely skilled.
Every time I tried to get up, I was again surprised by another blow that threw me back to the ground.
It was impossible. I could not beat this pilot, even more so with such a low synchronization rate.
But... this time I didn't have to win. I just needed to... keep running away! It was only a matter of hanging in there for a few more minutes until it was all over.
I kept rolling and threatening to get up, but no longer with any real intention of doing so. I needed to hold on a little longer... just a little longer.
However, something strange happened. The monster stopped attacking me, as if it was trapped in a trance. I took advantage of this moment to finally get up. Now that the Jet Alone was on its feet it would be easier to make it through to the end...
My trail of thoughts was broken by another precise and violent attack from the Zombie Eva directly against Jet Alone's chest. This time my opponent was determined not to give me any chance, having fallen on top of me and trying to get me pined and immobilized. It seemed as if...
A violent punch was landed against the concentrated organic matter on Jet Alone's face. Right where my entry plug was. The impact of the blow was so brutal that I could feel the deflection of pressure from the LCL, as part of the plug had been dented by the attack. The force of the impact left me disoriented and on the verge of passing out.
My foe was determined to kill me. Damn it. I was so close. If only I had a little more energy. If only I wasn't such a coward. If only I hadn't done anything while she was fighting... she? Who is…
"Shinji!"
"Synchronization rate has surpassed the threshold barrier. 50%-90%-130% and rising!"
"Is it another relapse?"
The punch landed by Zombie Eva came at great speed, but I was easily able to stop it with Jet Alone's palm, crushing the fingers of my opponent, who I could notice that was visibly surprised with the turn of events.
I liked the feeling. He was scared. Like a prey. I would hurt him. I would kill him.
In one swift movement, I was able to reverse our positions on the ground, positioning Jet Alone on top of the struggling opponent.
My hands held the opponent by the neck, pressing it hard. In a matter of a few seconds Zombie Eva stopped moving at all.
But I kept pressing my opponent's neck even harder.
I could feel my hands and nails digging into her flesh as I looked at her blue eyes... while her hand tried to reach my face and...
A flash. And then, nothing.
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A big thank you to YourBlandestNightmare for the kind help with revisions and encouragement and also to tomdj1701 EvaPilotFair, calborghete, poBBpC, SheriffJohnStone and other guest readers.
Hope you liked this chapter and that the pieces of the puzzle that were already placed can already start to give some hints about the plot.
Following chapter in about two weeks. And after that, things will got a little more emotional.