I opened my eyes and realized that I wasn't on the train anymore.
There was no sign of the stupid Shinji either.
Looking around, I realized that I was in a dark place, looking like a theater room, with only a lone chair near the stage.
On the stage was a video projection screen. There was no other sound, no sign of life, and apparently no door or window.
I must have been freaking out, but for some reason I slowly approached the chair and sat down.
To my amazement, as soon as I decided to sit down on the chair, I heard a small pop as a video started to be projected on the screen.
The movie screen showed a video of myself. I was inside of an entry plug.
The Asuka on the screen was focused, concentrating on filling her lungs with LCL. I could hear her breathing and other sounds.
After a few seconds, some oddly familiar voices started to come from the radio system of the Evangelion.
"Mankind is really amazing. I still can't believe that we've managed to assemble the remaining pieces of the destroyed Unit 02 and build another artificial S2 engine."
"A change is coming, Jason. To activate this S2 engine that is imbued in this imperfect Evangelion is a possibility of rebirth. In fact, the survival and renaissance of the human civilization depends of that project".
"I know, Commander, but it's still very impressive. To do all that in just at couple of months after the estimated date of the Third impact is kinda of a miracle."
"Well son, the creative principle doesn't come from nothing. We should be thankful that we were able to retrieve most of the old research data in our MAGI backbone. Especially the researches made about 20 years ago. Herz always has been a place of higher learning, one of the first great references in terms of development of works related to Evangelion. In special, project Eva-R. It was the prime work about the nature of the angels and the motivator of the Katsuragi's expedition before their… annihilation. And also, as much as I don't like it, we got to give credit to that man that managed to gather the remaining's of Unit 02 from Japan in the middle of the chaos, since that the adamnite tissue of the Mass Production Series are useless and unable to regenerate because their cores are dead."
"Avil is correct. I'm sorry for the delay."
"It's about time, Ik… I mean, Rokobungi. Everything is ready for activation. But there are some important things that aren't clear yet. You will try to use the Amarantos Anima protocol in this test. We are aware that kind of contact experience was already tested with Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu The goal was to make a permanent connection with the pilot and the Eva but, as you know, it was a failure. It was was discontinued since we developed other… more efficient ways of making a pilot synchronize with the Evangelion. You say that the MAGI and the annotations from the Dark Kabbalah retrieved from Hertz will made it work this time. How can you be so sure about that?"
"It's a legitimate question, Avil. The procedure will make a direct link between the subject's mind and the core of the Evangelion. After an initial perturbation, the intense feelings of love and hate imbued in a person's soul would be transferred to the core of the Evangelion. Like the love that a mother has for her child. Or the hate that a person has towards a former unfaithful lover. The key challenge will try to assure that the pilot won't go insane and will be minimally functional to do the job, unlike happened to Ms. Sohryu. Therefore, we will only extract the memories and feelings that are more prominent in the subject's mind until it's enough to make the Evangelion activate."
"That's a very good explanation. But save it for the politics. Everybody in this room knew that the Evangelion needs a functional soul to be activated. So, the procedure will not mess only with her mind, but also with her soul, right?"
"The substance that forms the soul is directly attached to one's minds and inner feelings So, pieces of the subject soul will be extracted from the subject into the core to ensure that the Evangelion would be provided with a functional soul that is 100% compatible with the pilot."
"What? You mean… you're gonna split her… soul?"
" What has been broken, cannot be unbroken. Just like one can't rebuild a glass of wine that has shattered, the reconstruction of the soul is still an impossible task by our current knowledge."
"That's crazy. She is just a teenager! Heck, even with all of this madness outside, she can't do it! I won't allow you to…"
"Amelie!" – I heard the Asuka on the screen talking through the radio with a firm, but also tender voice – "It's ok. I'm not a child. I will do it. I can do it. It's just like you said, humanity depends of that project".
"Asuka… but… you understand that..."
"Come on. You have been watching me doing synchronization tests since I was a child. This is not the first and certainly won't be the last test that I will manage to succeed. Let's do it! Or I won't forgive you. Over and out"
A big flash on the screen blinded my eyes.
*flash*
"Hate… hate… I hate everything. I hate myself. But what I hate the most is…"
"Asuka! Asuka, what's happening?" – said a familiar voice.
The Asuka on the screen was somehow back in Misato's apartment and was staring at Shinji Ikari, dressed in his salmon-colored shirt. The same outfit that he was wearing in that night and… during instrumentality. And just looking at this scene made me feel sick.
"They are going to erase you from my mind. I will forget everything about you! And by doing that, I will be able to pilot Eva again."
"But why me?"
"Because you're a giant asshole! Is that enough?"
She snapped at him as he back down.
"I can't stand to even look at you. Your pathetic, wimpy, apologetic smile. That sort of wounded puppy shit you do. Is it so much to ask for an actual man to be with?"
She started to scream at him, taken by some kind of irrational rage.
"Now the only fuel that manages me to keep it going is to know how pathetic you are. You are so needy. The way you look at me, like I should be ashamed of myself for trying to do something with my life that doesn't revolve around you. I mean, I've got to have it somewhere, right?
She picked up a chair and threw it with anger at the floor, while the scared boy took several steps backwards.
"I remember the time I made you come out and kiss me. You were terrified. Like a goddamn girl. I really don't know why I have put any expectations in you. I mean, shouldn't the good times at least outnumber the shit times? But it's not even close! How can I even look at you?"
Shinji clenched his hand and, for once, looked at her with a look that mirrored her rage.
"That's unfair, Asuka! You don't tell me things. I'm an open book. I tell you everything. Every damn embarrassing thing. You don't trust me."
"You don't have to be afraid of silence, dumb-ass! Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating. But you only pay attention to my looks and never tried to understand me."
"I don't do that. I want to know you. I don't constantly talk. In fact, I suck at it. But people have to share things. That's what intimacy is. I'm really pissed that you said that to me. I'm tired. If you are ok with erasing me, so be it. I give up. Enjoy your life, oh supreme Eva pilot."
"Fick dich, Shinji! Look at it out here. It's falling apart. All returning to nothing. I'm erasing you! I will never even remember your damn face! And I'm happy about it ok?"
Shinji turned away and moved inside his room, slamming the door shut.
"Dummkopf! After this you'll be gone! You hear me? You'll be gone! A perfect ending to this piece of scheiß story! I will forget it all, until there's not even a reminder that I… hated you!
*flash
The scenario changed again.
The Asuka on the screen gazed out over the ocean, her arms hugging her knees. Shinji was at her side, a few steps behind, also looking at the ocean.
I remembered that moment.
It was the time when I decided to twist the knife.
I used to think that love and hate are opposites. But that is not true. Instrumentality showed me that and even if I hate it, I couldn't lie to myself that I loved and hated Shinji Ikari with all of my heart. A really disgusting feeling. However, there was a solution for that.
I knew it would hurt us both, but it was what it needed to be done. It was like amputating a body part that is in a state of necrosis. As much as no one likes the idea of losing an essential part of their body and having to live with the after-effects for the rest of their life. It's like a cancer. Sometimes you have to destroy the root cause before it spreads out of control and manages to destroy everything.
And this was the best I could do. For myself and for the idiot too. The sooner the better.
"Hey. Just one more thing before we go."
"What is it, Asuka?"
"Listen to me, third. No matter what you've seem or felt during that time… what we had…. it's was just something they call propinquity effect or an exposure effect…. some kind of attraction or imprinting, or even an addiction… but it was not love or anything remotely close to that."
"Asuka… what do you mean?"
The girl took a deep breath and turned her neck to look at the boy, with a look of pain, frustration and…doubt?
"I will put it in simpler terms to you. Whatever you think you saw inside our minds… it was not love. It was just a coping mechanism created by two scared children that longed for any kind of affection. This is not love. It's co-dependency. It's toxic. Everybody can see it. We should let go of those twisted feelings."
"I… understand."
"Heck, I've even knew from the start that that this kind of thing would happen. It was so obvious. That's why boys and girls shouldn't live under the same roof after the age of seven… I should have put more resistance from the start and spared us of this disgusting outcome."
Shinji stared at the ocean, in silence.
"I hope I've made myself clear. So, you'd better not misunderstand things. Until we know what happen to the rest of the world, for all effects, we are still on the battlefield and need each other… to survive. Nothing more."
"Ok."
Why he was so freakish calm about that? Looking at it from that perspective, he seems… empty?
"And another thing, just to be sure that you've understand everything and that I can at least trust you in this new battlefield until the situation changes. No matter what happens, under no circumstances you're allowed to touch me. Even if I'm dying, I forbid you to ever touching me, EVER, again. If you do it, I will kill you. Do you understand?"
He turned away from her and stared to the other side.
"Yes. I will be ready to move when you are."
Great. It was easy. We had a deal. We would work together for a little longer and that would be our last dance.
*flash
Asuka and Shinji were sitting down, inside of a what looked like a shelter, looking at each other.
It was late night. How much time has passed by since that first day on the beach? Weeks, months? I don't know. Every day were the same routine. Wake up, find food, do nothing, eat, poop and try to sleep. But that night was one of the rare ones in which we were having a serious conversation.
And I was angry at him. With good reason. Shinji has been keeping secrets from me. About instrumentality. About what he did. And what he could have done. About Wondergirl and the last angel roles in everything that happened.
I've demanded some explanations. And he was trying hard to choose his words carefully. He truly was hiding something. Something deep. And important.
"After our... conversation at the train... and on the apartment... I've… snapped at you. That started third impact and instrumentality began."
"Don't need to explain it to me things that I already know, idiot. Just get straight to the point."
"L-like I said before, during instrumentality I was able to visualize several alternative realities in which things could have been different. In those realities... in many of them we lived a normal life, as normal children, teenagers or adults, as if the Evangelions had never existed."
"Sometimes the world was already like that from the beginning. Other times it stayed that way because I... didn't fail... at least not as much. In those worlds I was able to avoid the 3rd impact or, even if I wasn't, I was able to fix everything and get the world back to a much better state than it was before."
"So, the greatest hero Shinji saved us again in his dream worlds. Hooray! Like he always do. Except, you know, in this reality. The only one that matters. "
"Please Asuka…you're the one who asked for this, remember? I'm just telling you but if you don't want to hear, that is fine.
"So, about Rei... and Kaworu…"
Of course. Wondergirl and that last angel, as expected. Right. They were perfect servants to provide the all mighty Shinji Ikari with everything he needs. However, my counterpart on the screen maintained her composure.
"In those other realities Rei and Kaworu were... well, they weren't clones or angels... and I was able to relate more openly to them as well. In all those scenarios, being around them was…. good. Their presence just made me… happy I guess."
"I see. Well, this conversation is over. I don't want to hear about your pervert fantasies. I feel sick."
"Wait. Even though their presence managed to make me feel better, in all those worlds I... I always had a sense of emptiness. Of dissatisfaction. That it wasn't real. And that... even if it was... it wouldn't be right."
"Guess you really hated yourself huh? That's why you ran away from instrumentality. Yet I bet you didn't care about that when it came time to live out your romantic fantasies, did you?"
"No. We wouldn't be having this conversation if things were that simple."
"You're just a delusional pervert. So, what did you do about it? Wondergirl and the homo-angel weren't good enough for you? You went after Misato to do the rest with her? Or you've just created a perfect doll who would fall from the sky off a para-shoot to satisfy all your fantasies."
"..."
"What's with that face and... oh, come on! You really did it, didn't you? I bet you created a harem for yourself. Disgusting. You really are incapable of thinking of others except to fulfill your disgusting fantasies."
"Yes."
"What?"
"In several of these alternate worlds, there was a person who I think it could have helped me to be happy. She was a girl with long hair and glasses… or did she have a short red hair? I can't really remember. She was shy…. or flirty? I think her name was Ma…"
The Asuka on the screen looked at him as I felt a familiar feeling rising. One that I've vowed to suppress.
"That just shows what a mediocre screenwriter you are. Thinking that some hot girl is going to fell on a parachute over you and guide you to a life of eternal happiness? That's pathetic."
"..."
"Third? Are you there? Is something wrong?"
"N-nothing, just remembering a few more things"
"Like what?"
"Look, the point is. I couldn't be really happy in any of those was…something that were always on my mind that won't allow me to be at peace."
"Great. Even if you could shape the world and reality the way you wanted to, you couldn't be happy? That is pathetic, even for you.
"Cut it off, ok? I'm done. It's late. I won't talk about this anymore."
"Oh, why I'm surprised. Run away again, like the coward that you are."
"Stop it!"
"So finish what you've started, damn it! What was missing? Why you couldn't just settle down there and create fucking better world?"
"Because you were there!"
The Asuka on the screen looked at him as I felt a familiar feeling rising in her. One that I've vowed to suppress. Shinji also sensed that.
"I… I mean… Asuka… It's not like that I mean..."
A hard slap went right into his face. And then she left. Running. Without looking back.
I thought that it would be just another night. I didn't know at the time that it would be the last time that I would ever see his face.
*flash
The Asuka on the screen was in a small room. No. I remember now. It was a cell. A luxury prison. But not the first one. She had a piece of paper in her hand and started banging on the wall next to the bed in a rhythmic way.
"Hey… who it is?" – that voice. Yes, it was that day. Several months after the last time that I've spoken to him, there he was. In a cell that was adjacent to mine. Just like it was promised.
"Hello Third. Long time no see." – Ironically, neither I or the Asuka on the screen were able to actually see his dumb and shocked face.
For once I was thankful that those Japanese had no sense of privacy, so, even on a cell that looks like a luxury prison, two people could still talk normally, despite being separated by a solid wall.
"A-asuka? But how…. I mean… are you ok? Did they hurt…"
"Dear Asuka" – she started to read out loud the letter that was on her hand – "I hope that you are safe and well. I don't know if this letter will ever reach you, but if you're reading it right now, I want you to know that I… would like to finish our last conversation. There are some things that you deserve to know. So, if you can, please try to write me back, ok? Sincerely yours, Shinji."
Total silence. The boy on the other side of the wall said nothing, so she continued.
"Well, I'm not good at reading kanji, but I think I got it right. So, here I am, third."
"Asuka… you read my letter?
"And exactly what else I would do with it, idiot? Origami? Make a thousand cranes and ask for a wish for a new world?"
"No… sorry. Dumb question."
"So, tell me how you got the guts to write this letter?"
"Well, after that day… they got me here. I've been kept here in this place for a few months, without being able to go outside, only being allowed to leave when… well, I guess it must have been the same for you right?"
"Just answer my question."
Another awkward pause.
"Ok… There was a day when Ibuki came here to ask me questions. I was happy to see a familiar face, but I've noticed that things are… well, different now. Either way, I asked her about you."
The Asuka on the screen brought the hand that was holding the letter to her chest as she climber on the bed, putting her ear closer to the wall as the boy continued to talk.
"She didn't say anything out loud, but wrote a note on a paper that said that you were alive and being kept here too. So, I asked her if I could have pen and paper for write some stuff and she managed to get me that. On her next visit, I asked her if she could deliver that letter to you. But it was some weeks ago. I think I was already accepting the fact that this letter wouldn't ever reach.."
"I get it. So, let's get straight to the point. There's something that I need to know. You said that I also was in your "dream worlds" … during instrumentality, right?"
"Y-yeah… that's right."
"I need you…. To finish what you've started. So, tell me everything about it. That's why I've made the effort to be here."
"Asuka, I…"
"I will not ask again. I promise you that I will listen everything until the end this time. But if you don't want to tell me about that now, that's it. I'll ask to move back for my old cell and we will never talk or see each other again."
The way that I talked to him seemed right at that time, but it now makes me sick. Another threat, another emotional bargain. Why does it have to be that way? Why does he have to be such a wimp and make me act like a bitch just to be able to start a serious conversation?
"No… Asuka… I… will tell you about it if you want but you…"
"Yes. I will probably don't like it and be mad with you again. But it's not a problem anymore. You've hurt me so many times before that I highly doubt that one small talk will even scratch me."
"S-sorry… Asuka…"
"You better start now."
"Ok… I will."
There was several seconds of silence before he started to talk.
"As I already told you… I've felt like I've watched several lives in an infinity of possible worlds and universes. In all of those universes, there were 'Asukas' that, in most of those, were just like you."
I felt myself starting to become angry at the thought.
"I knew that they weren't really you. But …they also were you in some ways. They always managed to have your pride, attitude and beau.. appearance."
"I'm Asuka Langley Sohryu charmed, huh? Anta-baka? Chance! Please look at me!" 'No! That's not me!' – a damn flashback of the day that the Angel invaded my mind and I almost couldn't hear the sequel.
"In all those universes I saw... the only universes in which I could really feel at ease... were in the ones where our parents were alive and we...were childhood friends and you would wake me up every morning so we could go to school together like normal kids."
The Asuka on the screen laughed hard, interrupting him. "Well... that's so corny and lame. Me? Of all people? I guess there were really nobody else for you in those worlds."
"No. I've already told you that. Everybody was there somehow. Misato, Rei, Toji, Kensuke, Hilkari… even Kaworu appeared latter. Those where… good places. Worlds where nobody dies. Worlds without Evangelions. After seeing that, I thought I could learn to love myself and that would be ok to accept instrumentality. I could even see and hear everybody cheering and giving me congratulations at the moment."
"Hmph."
"But eventually… after seeing how life was at those worlds and my interactions with all those people… I noticed that, in all those times… even if Rei, Kaworu and other girls were present… I would eventually fall in love with you, Asuka… or, at least, with those versions of you. And I was really happy to see that those Asukas also loved me back".
"Yeah, right. You may dream dreams come true, pervert." - Yeah. Gott knows that I've had my share of those kinds of foolish dreams too….
"I know that those were false realities, Asuka, you don't need to mock me for that. However, at that time, for a moment, I've felt something like truly happiness and had feelings that it would be the perfect epilogue for this story. A happy end for all that, after this crappy life."
"But after dreaming about those worlds for a while, I've realized that, somehow, the Evangelions had already started to appear again in those perfects worlds. And them… it all went tumbling down."
"What happened?"
"We become pilots again, having to face some angel-like enemies, I think. We won. Together. But… since the Evangelions are machines of war they decided to… separate us. We still loved each other and tried hard to be together, but they would eventually send you back to Germany, since that kind of military power could not be concentrated in only one country."
"WHAT?" – I saw my counterpart on the screen scream. - "That's…. surprisingly accurate. It makes sense. In fact, they probably have delayed my permission to join you for the fight against the Angels because of politics. People at EuroNerv didn't want to give control of Unit-02 to the Geofront until they were convinced that the Angels were a larger threat than Japan itself."
"So, you know what would eventually have happened then…" – he said with a sad voice.
"We... they would make us fight… against each other. With the Evas…"
"And if we refused to do that, they would have killed us or something like that."
"Yes… They would."
"Asuka… we both know that the worst feeling in the world is not never being able to be happy, but to have been happy for a moment and then have it stripped from you, right?"
"…"
"So... After I concluded that these scenarios were always going to end up happening as long as the Evas continued to exist, I tried... to take the reins of instrumentality and imagine what could be done on worlds similar to ours, to try to prevent or reverse the third impact and end the Evangelions while it was still possible."
"That didn't happen in a direct way. With each world I created something got lost. At first it was simple things, like some dates that didn't match. But then things started to change...especially in relation to you."
"That's the part that you were afraid to tell me on that day, right?"
"Y-yes. It is."
"That's okay. I promised that I would listen. A promise made, a promise kept. You can go on."
"In the beginning it was simple details and minor alterations. For example, in some universes I met you for the first time already here in Japan and not in Over the Rainbow. Then more details changed. The color of your eyes, the color of your hair... one of the times you told me that you didn't know who your father was, because your mother had decided to get pregnant through a donor."
"What? Well... I guess between having an asshole like that as my father and having that option..."
"No, Asuka... that's not the point. The point is that… in each new world I visited I felt like... I was distancing myself from you, making you into a different person than you are. I was scared. I started trying to create worlds in which I would stay further away from you. So that I wouldn't hurt you anymore. Like you asked me to do that time."
"Bullshit. That's just a sophisticated way to say that you were wanting to run away again."
"No, it's different. Even in those worlds, no matter how hard I tried to change things, events almost always repeated themselves. And even when I would arrive in time to help you against the mass Productions Evas... the third impact would eventually happen and we would end up... losing our memories or have to face other enemies even worse than the Angels."
Worse than the Angels? It's kinda funny to think about what kind of enemy could be worse than them. Godzilla? A gargantuan sized huge alien Evangelion?
"Then I began to understand what was wrong. To fix the world I... had to give up everything and everyone I knew... and also give up of the idea of being together with you. It was as if this was a curse of Eva: to save the world, I couldn't stay in that world with the people who mattered to me. I would only cause more suffering for them. So, I...I... I've opted to remove myself from the worlds I've created, even if I tried to… reach you."
I don't know for sure if I had that thought at that time or if I got that thought as I was watching the scene, but after hearing he say those words something has clicked inside my head.
'Asuka. I'm… not here'. That was definitely him. Even with a strange voice. Those were his words. The words that really made me notice that there was something wrong with all those dreams. The words that made me start my journey into coming back to this real world.
"But after analyzing all of the options and scenarios… I realized that… even if I tried to be together with you, the ghosts of Evangelion would eventually come back to hurt us and drive us apart. And if I tried to do the opposite and eliminate all of Evangelions… then I…."
He struggled to pronounce the words, until my counterpart at the screen shouted at him.
"You what? Speak louder, idiot."
"I would not be able to be with you!" – he replied with a shout and, after a while, resumed talking with a scared voice – "B-because neither the existence of Evangelions and neither we being together were things that I could achieve in my mind."
"You…. will have to explain this better."
"I could see that… in the worlds where I was not present you've kinda…had moved on with your life and did well… you were able to live a common life without Evangelion and without my presence or even my existence as shadow that would have been a constant source of pain to you. Then I realized that… that it was the best that I could do for you."
I don't care about what I thought at that time or at the flabbergasted expression on my counterpart face at the screen. Now I'm completely angry and want to punch him so badly.
That's utterly bullshit, Ikari! Yes, I had mixed feelings about you 'had?' but, if things were different, I still wanted you to be alive and well and for us to… try to sort things out between us, for better or worse.
Before I met you, I thought that if I had a relationship to a man who would appreciate me for my body, acknowledge my greatness and also… patted me in the head for what I really am… I would be happy. Kaji represented those expectations, but it was just a childish crush.
And yes… I can see that I could find one of those things that I wanted by settling up with any stooge, if given enough time. But what I fell ' felt?' for you is different from that. Why? Why I nee.. expect so much from you? What am I… if I can't be… 'yours?'
"So, in one of the last worlds that I saw in instrumentality... I think that I tried to deconstruct everything that connected us... everything that brought us together in some way...to try to disengage us for good."
"What do you mean?"
"Well... the Asuka of that universe was still the pilot of Evangelion Unit 02 and your appearance and personality were similar, but looking at it now, I can tell that you were quite different. Instead of going to college, that version of you made an early career at the army, becoming a captain. She also didn't even have your mother's last name... and then I found out that that Asuka was artificially created, just like Ayanami."
I was getting really angry at that point. But I knew that myself on the screen would keep her promise and would listen until the end. Even if there was a need to make some snotty remarks.
"So, are you saying that you… basically turned me into another doll?"
I expected that he would back down and say sorry, but his answer really shocked me.
"Ironically… that was another big difference. She actually liked dolls."
That's it. I was almost at my breaking point and would certainly have yelled at him if I wasn't affected by that damn memory of the angel showing me the forms of several alternate Asukas. That. Is. Not. Me. It took all of my willpower to return to paying attention to what he was saying.
"That Asuka defeated the angel that appeared in the ocean without me, so I never got to be inside Unit 2. In that universe we didn't train together to defeat the angel that duplicated itself, as it never appeared. We didn't get to go into that volcano to try to capture the angel that was in the embryonary stage. We didn't... kiss."
Why did he pause before saying that? I bet that this idiot dreamed about kissing any of those Asuka' dolls in his perverted dreams. Well, it's not that I didn't know already and I really don't care about it.
"In fact, we had few moments together in Misato's apartment and I think our only positive interactions were the bentos I cooked for her to take for lunch, enduring Toji calling us newlyweds in front of the whole class and… a night in which we shared the same bed and talked for a long time."
I was surprised again. As much as I was hating this story, I could see that that doll...that representation of Asuka...still had something in common with me. And in a way, I felt a little jealous that she had the courage to lay on his bed and… talk to him.
"But... I was an even bigger failure in that world. I managed to hurt her in a way even worse than I hurt you. She was selected to test unit 03 instead of Toji. And my father activated the dummy system, just like last time and then... well, you know what happened. She survived, but she was contaminated by the angel, which started to live permanently inside her head somehow."
Of course, his guilty about what he has done to me would come back haunt him in those dream worlds. Or maybe he really has some sick desire about hurting me, even in his dreams. Still… this scenario is really screwed up and maybe even worse than…
"Oh, and in case that wasn't enough, I was absorbed again into Unit 01's core when I faced Zeruel. I almost caused third impact by doing that, for some reason. And, as the result, I become trapped inside the Eva...only this time for 14 years instead of 30 days."
The Asuka on the screen was in shock, and I can understand why. In those 30 days that he was gone, trapped into his Eva, my life turned into hell and… I think I've never recovered from that. And in those months that we were kept apart I considered to…. do the worst… more than a few times. To have to live 14 years without him… it's simply… what's that feeling down my chest?
"They have somehow managed to contain Unit 01 and send it to the Moon. Eventually, they found a way to rescue me. Or rather, she managed to rescue me. I think that if I hadn't heard her voice calling me over the communicator I wouldn't have returned. But when I came back... everything had changed, except me. In that world, everyone had good reason to hate me. She more than anyone. Heh, no wonder she called me a brat."
I chuckled a little. 'Brat' was a fine nickname for him, given this situation.
"Because of the angelic contamination, she was trapped forever in the body of a 14-year-old. Unable to sleep or feel the taste of the food. And shortly thereafter she had to stop me from initiating a fourth impact, because my father had manipulated me with the promise that it would make everything go back to normal. In other words, we were set up to fight each other, inside our Evas. Again. Basically, the worst outcome. Everything that I wanted to avoid in other universes happened twice in this one."
I could notice that he was struggling to speak… and trying hard to keep the tears from flowing. To think that a doll version of me could draw this kind of reaction from him…
"After the battle I felt like… human garbage. Useless… a burden. Even worse than the day of the third impact... the real one, from our real world. She had to carry me and take care of me like a baby, even forcing me to eat. And in the meantime, I could see how other people moved on and how I was a freak, an anomaly in that world. But oddly, those people were kinder to me than people in the real world." – he paused for a while, as if he just remembered something important.
"Eventually I had recovered to the point that I was able to pilot Eva again, for the right reasons this time. But again, I only made it to the fight after that Asuka had been defeated and used by my father as a trigger for a new impact because of the contamination of the angel she carried. All that was left for me to do was to pilot Eva again to try to save that world and try to rescue her soul somehow. "And you want to know what happened? Do you really want to know what happened, Asuka?"
His voice was like the voice of a madman at that point.
"Even with all that shit that happened… before the decisive battle...she told me that she liked me. But she had to leave those feelings in the past, because she had grown up before me. I don't blame her. I hurt her with my inaction and leave her for 14 years. How could she love a brat that simply gave her a fate worse than death because of his weakness?"
I'm getting it now. He wasn't joking when he said that he was trying hard to end all of the things that connected us. He has started with a kind of… species barrier, making that version of me a doll, just like Ayanami… he cut down almost all of the defining moments of our relationship. Also, he created an unforgivable scenario where sorrow and resentment would be even greater than it was with us. And, to top all that, this time skip. That Asuka was, in fact, an adult woman while he was still a brat. A selfish self-centered brat that failed her and probably didn't even like anybody but himself. She… didn't deserve that. But still… if she is an Asuka, she wouldn't give up so easily. Can it be…
"In the end I... was able again to be the centerpiece of instrumentality again and, because of that, I was able to rescue her soul. So, I had a chance to tell her that I loved her too. Even with all the shit that happened, all the suffering I caused her and even though we had almost nothing in common with each other anymore…. I think that in the end we still managed to fall in love. Again."
He… confessed? To her? It… it makes me… sick? proud? angry? jealous? happy?
"Even so, in the end... we couldn't be together... or even try to be together... because, in order to save that world, I had to sacrifice myself to wipe out all the Evangelions from that world. But, in the end, it all worked out. I told her that I liked her, but showed her a way to move on and live a happy life without me. Also, I could talk to Kaworu and Rei and made them realize that they didn't need me anymore. I did what was the best for everyone. I created a better world where they all could live better lives. A world without Evangelions and… without me. And at the end of it I realized that I didn't die, but was given a chance to live on another world, free to move on and to live a happy life too. It's the best ending that one could imagine, right? Right?"
What? Of course not! Where he got this idea from? What kind of people could think that an outcome where he had to sacrifice his happiness and be separated from the persons that he… loved… can be a happy ending? In fact, this is the most freakish bad ending that I could imagine. He used the instrumentality to play God and created a reality where he decided what was better to everyone, treating people like tools or children. Just like…. his father would do. It means that… he… could have done it? He could have turned me into a doll and create a perfect world for him? Then, why…
"Asuka? Are you still there?"
"Third... yes.. I... heard you. Is this… all you have to say?"
"In fact… no. As you certainly have figured out already, that wasn't the real ending at all. But I… really need to know what you think about all that before I can go on. It's really important".
The Asuka on the screen thought about the situation for several seconds. Until she decided to talk, with a firm and resolute voice.
"Ok. I have just one question. What did she say to you?"
"What?"
"That Asuka, from this last universe. After you told her that you also liked her. What did she say?"
He didn't respond. For once, I think I got him. I waited for a few minutes until I heard his voice again.
"I… don't know."
"You mean you forgot what she said?"
"No…. I mean that… I didn't wait to hear her answer."
I facepalmed, in synchrony with the Asuka on the screen. That's it. I was right. Classic Ikari. Acting like he is so strong, mature, and important telling me those stories and, after all that, he is still disgusting. The Asuka on the screen understood that this was her opportunity to strike back and end this story for good.
"Ok...Given all that you've said...I think the lesson here is clear. During the instrumentality, after our conversation in that apartment... I told you that you were only using me as an escape. Because that's the easiest way not to get hurt. You remember that, right?"
"Yes... I do."
"So... That's the problem, idiot. That's always been the problem. You still haven't overcome that way of thinking and those selfish desires. That's why in all those worlds you idealized a series of Asukas in your mind who, although they looked strong, deep down were just a stereotypical version of a 'helpless princess'... a person who looks strong and determined, but deep down is just a trophy, whose only goal in life is to be rescued by the all-mighty hero Shinji Ikari. And you cultivated the illusion that, if you did everything right and saved the world, everything would work out and I would eventually fall in love with you and accept you submissively and unconditionally like Wondergirl, Nagisa or another fantasy girl would do in a heartbeat."
She took another deep breath as he remained quiet.
"When you finally understood that this was never going to happen, your subconscious started wanting to get rid of me at all costs and show you that this path would only lead to more suffering. Therefore even though you hated me and wanted to kill me, you still harbored hopes that one day you would be able to turn me into a pathetic doll whose sole purpose in life was being attached to you! Deep down, you just wanted to mold the world and people to the satisfaction of your selfish desires. So, that's why we are here now. Prisoners. Guinea pigs. And we can do nothing but wait until they decide to kill us or do something even worse. "
"It's that really how you think, Asuka?"
"Stop bullshitting me, Ikari. You're unbelievable stupid. After all that… after seeing all that was into my damn mind and heart…. you still think that I'm nothing more than concept. Or that I would complete you or make you alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours. Have you learned nothing at all?"
"Well… you're right."
His answer once again got me by surprise. And from this point on I knew that the Asuka on the screen couldn't interrupt him anymore and we would just listen to him again, in silence.
"Instead of embracing this happy ending and moving on like a man would do… I was weak… I've decided to return to this empty, but real, world. Because even if it's painful, I know that I've had good moments and memories, especially from the time that we lived… together. And in doing so, I've also left the door opened for the people that wanted to return. I think that even if this world sucks, it was still a better decision than trying to rewrite the world by my own view and selfish desires."
That was…impressive. I didn't know that he had it in him…
"Then I was in despair. Left alone in a devastated world for days. Until that day when I woke up and was able to see you laying by my side. I thought it was a sick joke. That I was still trapped in some hellish fictional world of instrumentality. But, at the same time, the memories of reality and our previous conversations returned, I got angry and, …. Well, you know. Disgusting."
You can bet it was, you idiot.
"But now I understand better. You didn't return because I needed you or you needed me, but only for yourself. Because of your willpower and will to live. You are a different person than me and you will be able to live by yourself. You don't need my help to fix you or something like that. Never did."
Yes. That's… right?
"In fact, you also made the right decision when you denied me that time. While you were wrong about my feelings, because at the crucial moment I searched for you and not anybody else, you were right about my selfishness. I wanted you to accept me… to make the pain go away because I was not strong enough to fight against it."
Well… I guess that he grew up a little…
"But I already learned that I don't deserve your help. I never took action myself. I should've tried harder. I should've saved you from that Angel and ignored the orders, just like I did on the volcano. And I even dared to ask you for help just after I have defiled you watched you suffer the worst pain imaginable while I did nothing about it. You were right. I'm disgusting and a worthless scum."
Why are you telling me those things now? Stupid, idiot, moron! You're late, as always! You don't even realize how much have you h….
"After all, I guess I really deserve your hate. I was always a fool to even think that you could have liked me at some point. I don't even deserve to be near you. Because, as you said, all I ever did was hurt you, right?"
At that moment several images from different memories began to appear on the screen.
The first time I saw him in battle with me, inside my Unit 02. Thinking about it now… what kind of girl takes a boy into her most special place on the first… date? And, while I didn't know it at the time, mama was there all the time too... she allowed his presence…did she... liked him? *flash*
When he was in combat, he was completely different from that silly and uninteresting kid. He was a… competent pilot and able to help me in moments when my strength was not enough. I really liked his confident smile *flash*
That weird feeling on my chest that I got when Misato said we were going to live together. Was it anger, embarrassment or… happiness? *flash*
How... glad I was when he went after me after Misato and Ayanami humiliated me in that stupid training. He reached for me. He believed in me. *flash*
How much I wanted to be close to him during the night we were alone. For him to be bold and appears at my room, like a knight in a shining armor, toppling the Walls of Jericho *flash*
How much fun it was to tease him and get his attention during that day at the pool. And seeing him look at me. He really looked at me. *flash*
The moment he… saved me. What kind of idiot would jump into a volcano unprotected and defying orders? What kind of person would do that... for me? *flash*
I think that wasn't really a moment when I fell in love with him. It was… a sum of everything. How long it has been? Since sometime I can't even remember not having him around makes me feel lonely.
The idle way we talked while eating breakfast. *flash*.
The scent of falling rain as we walked home from school together. *flash*.
The quiet moments watching TV or reading manga in each other's' company. *flash*
The red sunset we casually watched from the veranda *flash*.
The look we exchanged before the kiss. What's that in his eyes? He is... blushing? His eyes are filled with feelings… I guess… love? Fear? Is he afraid of me? Why did…"
*flash*
The Asuka on the screen started screaming. She was inside of the Evangelion again.
"Amelie! Avil! Jason!". Damn it. "Commander Ikari! Your son of a b… STOP that thing right now, I can't hold it anymore."
But nobody seems to have listened to her plights, because the radio only transmitted static sound.
"P-please! Please! I've changed my mind! I want to remember him. And I want him to remember me. Don't… please… don't take him away from me."
"I don't want to do this! Wake me up! Stop the procedure! Plea –"
*flash
As I opened my eyes, after being blinded by all that flashy sequence, I realized that the Asuka on the screen was back again on Misato's apartment.
Shinji was there, looking at her with sad eyes.
"Shinji… I'm… I'm scared! "I want my mama. I don't want to lose my memories. I don't want to lose y..." – I was interrupted by a gentle caress on my face.
"It's ok, Asuka…I… just want to enjoy my little time left with you. However I.. I have an idea."
"You… do? Well. I sure hope that it doesn't involve something perverted, because..."
"No, it's serious! Listen to me. Suppose you want to keep me from being erased, right? So, if you have memories of me, that's where the Eva will try to look for right? But what if is an indirect memory?"
"It's a valid guess, I assume. I don't know. "
"I mean, here. Try this one".
"This is… after our… kiss? Why did you choose that one?" .
"Do you remember what you thought about it?"
The Asuka on the screen was visibly nervous. I remember that night. I was so dumb. I said things that I didn't mean. I tried to convince myself that I hated it. But…
"I thought it was a foolish and dumb thing to do. I thought I'd mistaken infatuation for love."
That comment should've been enough to end the conversation, but Shinji unexpectedly pushed back.
"So what? Infatuation is good, too. There is nothing wrong with that. We were just teenagers having our first kiss For both of us. Of course it would suck, since neither of us knew what we were doing. Things like this need… practice, I guess."
"Shinji I…."
She realized that there was no escape. There was no way to hold those memories. She had lost. Again. And wouldn't have another chance to talk to him again. So, she snapped and screamed.
"God damn it! I wish I had known all about you earlier! My life would've turned out so differently. We would have won! We could have aimed for a brighter future. Even if we wouldn't be together and I had to live a boring life, trapped into a dead-end job, we would be able to advance, somehow. We would have been able to go out and do boring things, like watching the fireworks or just lay down to count the stars in the sky."
He blushed a little, and directed his gaze to the floor as she continued to talk, trying hard not to stutter.
"But I'm glad. Even what we had… even with all that happened…. I'm really glad that I was able to live with you for a while. There were several painful moments but… the good moments that I had with you were basically the only happy moments in my life. Verdammt, ich wollte nur eine Chance haben, mit dir glücklich zu sein. Um dir zu sagen, dass ich dich liebe!."
"You really mean it, Asuka? You like me?" – Shinji said, with tears forming on his eyes.
"W-what? You…. since when you can understand German?"
"Well, I can't… but I'm the Shinji on your mind, remember?"
She looked at his smiling face, crying tears of joy, and, for once, she let her defenses down. She tackled him into a hug. He stood his ground and held her back, returning the hug.
If I could… I'd stop time in this world and lock it away for myself, but... if there is any meaning in the fate that pulled us together, maybe…
I looked at the screen again and noticed that Shinji's tear-streaked face was already fading. Her eyes were closed and she continued to act as if she was still being held, even though Shinji has begun to disappear.
*flash.
The scene changed again.
This time the Asuka on the screen woke up in a familiar beach. Shinji was there, sitting by her side, in his plugsuit.
"Baka-Shinji?"
"I'm sorry, Asuka. In the end, I will always hurt you because I still can't make any decision. I wasn't able to save you and neither to kill you. Because I'm not capable to take responsibility for my actions and so I do nothing at all."
This Shinji was smiling at her, but I can see that he is trembling. The way that he is hugging his own legs… he is… just like I was that time that I've been put into quarantine after that damn Angel ripped through my mind. The Asuka on the screen, however, wasn't saying anything.
"B-but… I'm really glad that we could meet again, even if it's only at the other side of the dream. I just wanted to tell you thanks, for saying that you like me. I also like you, Asuka."
She blushed, and just turned her face away from him.
I understand her. I don't deserve his love. And it would have been better if he didn't tell me those words. Not when I know that I will lose him forever. I want to remember him. And I want him to remember me. It's not fair! It's not fair!
"Goodbye, Asuka. When you wake up, I think you will recognize your place to belong. A place in which I won't be able to hurt you anymore."
*flash
I blinked and realized that Asuka was now inside of an opened entry plug.
I could recognize the place where the entry plug has landed. It was a familiar place, one that I've been in several times in my life. She didn't know why, after all those years that she had managed to be strong, tears started to fall, nonstop.
They kept flowing until she lost consciousness and only darkness remained.
*flash
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Well, there it go, folks. Another chapter.
Big thanks for deathbringer374 for giving me inspiration for writing almost 10k words in a record pace (and without rum!)
And, once again, as always, a big thank you to YourBlandestNightmare, tomdj1701 EvaPilotFair, calborghete, poBBpC, SheriffJohnStone, Iraki01 and other guest readers that are following this story.
I think that most of the mysteries about the plot are starting to be solved and now we will go towards some more emotional chapters until the conclusion. Hope you are in for the rest of the ride.