Well, folks, now that we've saw Asuka's memories, let's continue the ride by placing the final pieces of the puzzle. Enjoy the ride and be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions: waff, comedy and, sadly, more angst.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-|-O-|-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
I opened my eyes and noticed that both the train and the girl have faded away.
I was sitting in a chair, in what seems like an old movie theater, similar to the one that appeared during instrumentality.
I could see myself on the big screen. The Shinji on the screen was sitting inside of an entry plug, talking to Ibuki and Hyuga on the video feed.
"How are you feeling Shinji?"
"I'm ok. Just do what you need and let's be over with it."
"Ok, We'll start with his most recent memories and go backwards - more or less. Like the reports said, there is an emotional core to each of our memories."
"So, by the time you wake up in the morning, all memories we've targeted will have withered and disappeared, feeding the core and making you able to synchronize with the prototype. Good luck Shinji."
*flash
"ASUKA DID WHAT?"
"I'm sorry, Shinji. She decided to go back to Germany. It seems like some acquaintance or relative of her also returned from the sea and asked for her return. Since you guys are still minors and without a legal guardian…"
"That's bullshit and you know it!"
As my eyes adjusted their focus after being blinded by the strong flash, I watched the scene that was unfolding on the screen.
I could see myself at some kind of examination room, with Hyuga and Ibuki standing near me.
The scene played just like I remembered it.
Hyuga stopped what he was talking about when he saw the angry reaction from my counterpart on the screen, who was clenching his right fist in anger. Ibuki stared at him, also in shock and with fear.
"You're lying. Asuka wouldn't return to Germany because of that. It's…. Eva isn't it?" – he said with coldness and venom in his voice.
Both of the former bridge bunnies of Nerv looked away from him, avoiding his freezing glare.
"How dare you… After all that happened…. how can you allow someone to try to rebuild Eva? It's unforgivable. Are you guys insane? And you allowed it to happen? Why? ANSWER ME!"
Shinji picked a chair and threw it on the nearest window, shattering the glass. Them he picked up a computer and crashed it hard on the table. After he noticed that there were no more objects nearby that could be damaged without hurting the other people in the room, he started to deliver several punches on the wall.
Ibuki was ready to call security, but Hyuga made a negative gesture with his head, probably noticing that it was better if the boy was able to let out his frustration as soon as possible, even if he hurt himself in the process.
After throwing a few punches and even some headbutts on the wall, the Shinji on the screen felt down into his knees, panting and bleeding.
I remembered the feeling. I knew that no one would be there to talk to me or even help me heal my stolen heart and my crackling skull. At that moment, I realized that really had lost everything. I was completely alone. Mother betrayed me. Asuka betrayed me. Eva still existed and its existence would bring even more pain and chaos into this world. Humanity will be trapped forever in the curse of Evangelion.
The Shinji on the screen started to laugh and talk like a madman, with didn't really surprise the other people in the room. And I understood why. At that moment, it had been at least a year since they have locked me up in that cell and only let me leave it for interrogation when they needed me to collect data for something related to the third impact.
"You both know that neither Misato or Ritsuko will return, right?"
I noticed that Ibuki was on the verge of crying, while Hyuga was doing an impressive job of trying to maintain a poker face. But they weren't able to fool me.
"You know what? Fuck it all. Whatever you want me to do, I won't do it. Just kill me already. To the hell with you, to the hell with your project and… to the hell with Asuka!"
"She decided to do it, right? And just like that, as soon as the opportunity arrived, she left, without telling me anything. Kaji was right, it's useless. You spend that much time with someone, only to find out she's a stranger. But you know what is the worst part? It's not a surprise at all. That's just like Asuka. Complete selfishness. Complete and utter disregard for anyone else's feelings. She's like a train wreck, tearing people apart leaving chaos and destruction in her wake."
*flash
The Shinji on the screen was somehow back in Misato's apartment and dressed in his salmon-colored shirt, looking at Asuka. She was wearing a yellow shirt and small shorts – the same outfit that she was wearing in that night and during instrumentality -, sitting down on a chair and leaning on the table.
"So, I'm a train wreck, third? In the end I was always right, didn't I? You always wanted to kill me!"
He looked at her, with visible anger in his face.
"I won't be here hearing your mind games and bullshit anymore. It's going, Asuka! All the crap and hurt and disappointment. It's all being wiped away."
Asuka stood up and looked up at him.
"Oh yeah? I'm glad."
Their eyes lock. She starts to fade as she heard the cold response.
"Me, too."
She looked at him with an angry but, mostly a disappointed look.
She raised her arm, as she was going to slap on his face but made a quick turn and stormed away towards the bathroom.
It looked like she was…
*flash
The screen showed two people at the beach.
A boy was sitting down, trying to wipe out his tears and a girl in a red plugsuit was laying on the sand.
After a few moments, I could see Asuka slowly sitting down, hugging her own legs and looking towards the ocean, only to see again the gigantic face of Rei... or Lilith, who was slowly deteriorating and being consumed by the red ocean.
I remembered that moment. That was it. Like Kaji told me before, the shore was too far and that distance will not be crossed, ever.
Asuka didn't say anything, she just kept contemplating the ocean, with her arms around her knees.
I should have said something at that moment.
But what? Everything we could have said to each other had already been said in instrumentality. Saying something like 'Asuka, I'm glad you're here,' would be practically the same thing as saying 'Asuka, I'm sorry I failed again and made you return to this shitty world. In this hedgehog dilemma, sometimes taking advantage of the silence and the closeness between the two of us would hurt less than using words. But what were the words that Rei and my mother really said to me?
"Asuka..."
She turned her head to look at the Shinji that was on his feet, standing behind her, daring him to continue to talk. Of course, he stopped right away. She sighed and turned her gaze away to the red sea.
"If you don't know what to say, don't say anything".
"Wha.. no.. it's not… ok… sorry."
"And don't say sorry."
"Ok."
After a short pause, he resumed speaking.
"It's been days… weeks Asuka. I don't know. Nobody else has returned. I thought I was trapped again… In a personal hell from instrumentality. Cursed to live alone in this world while everybody else is up here."
He pointed to the ring of souls that formed a red line on the sky.
"Some nights... I dreamed that people would appear again. That the world would return to normal. The dreams seemed like reality. Until I woke up and saw that I was alone holding a ghost-like arm or something. I thought I was trapped again… in a personal hell inside instrumentality. Cursed to live alone in this world while everybody else is up here. Then you just… appeared, as if it was another illusion."
"You're really stupid. I didn't just appear there like a damn ghost or something like that. I've emerged on this beach earlier today and was lost for a while. Then I saw your… pathetic memorial thing. You've really though that I would let someone like you kill me? I realized that you should be nearby and them I found you laying here, sleeping."
"Then… why…"
"You were sleeping. I was also exhausted from throwing my anger at that stupid grave that you made for me. So, there was no point waking you up. Heh… it was just another stupid decision to give you the benefit of doubt after all. Not only I lost my chance to finish you off but almost got myself killed for real this time."
"Asuka… I'm… sor…."
"STOP IT! Look… Shinji. Look at me and pay attention. Because I will only say it once. I'm real. And also, all those times in the… futon… in the train… and in the apartment… that was really me. So yes, I saw everything in your sick mind down there because you dared to do just like that damn Angel and get inside my own mind, you freak bastard. And no, I won't forgive you. Never. And don't ever say you're sorry to me again. You got it?"
He could only nod, slowly.
"Good. But I'm not finished." – she took a deep breath and paused for several seconds before she spoke again. – "Even after all that shit… Yeah, even after you tried to kill me, again… I do not hate you… anymore. And I apologize… not for saying everything I said in that kitchen, I won't take back any of those words.
But I guess shouldn't have said all those things to you in that moment. That wasn't an appropriate thing to do in that moment."
She again turned her gaze to the ocean. The sound of the waves was the only sound heard for several minutes. Until Asuka decided to break the silence.
"You said it has been days or even weeks that you were there, alone, right?"
"Y-yes."
The girl took another long pause before speaking again.
"So…we don't know for sure how it works, but in the unlikely hypothesis that I was the first one who returned after you and considering that two weeks has passed by that gives us an average exponential rate growth of 5%... in about one year from now, it's possible to estimate that one hundred million people will have returned from the sea."
Shinji looked at her, astonished and amazed at the same time.
"Oh… I hope that it's true Asuka."
She sighed.
"You don't understand what that means, right?"
"No… sor… can you explain it?"
"It means that, besides having to face this shitty world, we can't stay here. If more people come back in this beach in the next few days, it will probably be the same bastards of the JSSDF who were trying to kill us. So... just consider that the war is not over yet. We are still on a mission. We'll stay together until we see how the world will recover and if more people will come back."
"You are right. I'm sor… I mean, yes.. we will… find a way to work together… as we always did. Just… take your time. I will be right over there. You're hungry? Thirsty? If you need something, just ask me, ok? I've been thinking…."
She once again turned her gaze to the ocean, ignoring that useless ranting of a sad boy.
*flash
The scenario changed again, back to the events that took place at the examination room.
"Shinji! That's not true, and you know it." – said Ibuki.
"So, stop playing with me! Tell me what happened! And why you guys waited so long to give me that news? I wrote 52 letters to her… letters that you guys that you knew that won't ever reach her….so cut the crap and all those damn lies! If you guys called me now and are telling me she is gone, it's because you need me for something big right? You can suck it up. I won't be helping any of you. I would rather kill myself".
"We will take from here. Ibuki, Hyuga, please get out of the room."
Shinji turned his face to see a man and a woman in a military uniform.
"Who are you?" – he said, still with confidence and venom in his voice.
"Shinji" – the man said with authority. "Please sit down. You want answers and I assure you that we are gonna give you that."
"You are from JSSDF aren't you? Your soldiers killed Misato. Tried to kill me before the Third Impact and, after that, have locked me down here for months. Why should I believe in you?"
"Hmph… It's like I said, Commander. Gendo Ikari's son is still a baby. We should've assigned Kyo to take care of him, since he used to deal with kindergarten kids." – said the short woman.
"Hey, I'm not…"
"I'm Commander Amai Yadoraki. And this lady here is Sub-Commander Jima. You may not know us, but we have been taking care of you and Asuka since we found you near that shelter."
"Taking care? Yeah… right."
"Listen Shinji. Why do you think that you are still alive?" – the woman asked him.
"I…let me guess. You guys are keeping me as a prisoner to ensure that I won't be murdered? That was I thought, but it isn't true. The only reason that you've kept me and Asuka alive so we could pilot Eva again."
"That's it, enough. Commander, I ask permission to leave the facility won't be doing this anymore. Will get in contact with Yuko, Rot and the others to prepare the Jet Alone in time, but you will have to deal with this young man by yourself."
"Permission granted, Sub-Commander. And thanks for caring."
The woman gave a half-smile and exited the room, leaving Shinji alone with the man.
"She does care, Shinji. But it's hard for us to get under the fire and pressure all the time. While the reformed Gran, Kuro and other few units of JSSDF are still loyal to us, there are several people of there that just want you and Asuka to be punished and pay for your father sins, Shinji. Heck, if it those people had a little more strength, Asuka would've been killed or sent to Germany from the start and you wouldn't even be able to speak which each other again."
The boy sighed and sat on Hyuga's chair.
"Look, I… am in a bad mood right now, so just tell me…. Where is Asuka? And what the Jet Alone has anything to do with all that?"
The man also took a sit and started to talk.
"I can promise you that I will be honest here, even if it the truth may be unconformable to you, alright?"
After receiving a small nod, the man continued.
"After our people started to come back from the sea, we realized that some people that had returned earlier were quick to put their hands on valuable resources and military equipment. Notably, equipment that were used to gather the remaining of Evangelion Unit 02."
The Shinji on the screen was shocked and was apparently trying hard to not vomit with the mention of the former red mecha.
"We were informed that those remaining pieces were being transported to Germany, which cause us another problem. In fact, Evangelion Unit 02 was property of Euronerv by the old world's rules, so they had the rights to retrieve it. But still, allowing one country to have that kind of power and the chance to rebuild Eva in this devastated new world would be chaotic.
However, one man managed to convince the new formed UN council that the former pieces of Unit 02 would be necessary to deploy new artificial S2 engines that would be crucial to ensure the rapid recovery of human society before the inevitable collapse that will happen when more people return from the sea. This planet is still pretty much inhospitable right and without means of providing resources to even feed all those people."
"It… makes sense I guess but… I don't see what all of this have anything to do with me or Asuka."
"The scientists from Euronerv have concluded that a functional S2 engine would need to be attached into a functional Evangelion unit. So they used the remaining of the old Unit 02 to create a new Evangelion. But, as you know, an Evangelion needs a pilot to operate since there are no means to recreate the Dummy System right now."
Shinji again clenched his fist, in anger.
"So, I was right. Asuka choose to pilot Eva again, because…"
"Because she thought that this was the best way to ensure your safety."
"W-what?"
"She was chosen as the pilot by the people of Euronerv, since she trained with them for almost a decade. We received the request from the UN and told her that we would try our best to keep her here if she wanted to, but, like I said, it was already hard for us to keep both of you safe from our own people. So, she decided to go. Because, she knew that you would rather die than pilot Eva again. But she expressly asked us to not tell you about her decision. And we honored her request until now"
"I… I don't think that Asuka would… hey, wait. Why until now?"
The man looked at the boy with a serious, but sad expression.
"Our contacts here have informed us that… the man behind this scheme is… Gendo Ikari."
My counterpart on the screen opened his eyes, in a mixture of astonishment, fear and despair.
"He planned this from the beginning and now he has a functional Evangelion Unit and also Asuka, who is probably unaware of his great scheme and being forced to pilot it under his command."
Asuka…. being forced to pilot… by father? Why. Why father was doing this? He knew what happened. He knew that mother was gone, forever.
"However, his plan had a flaw. He wasn't able to collect all the remaining of Unit 02's core. Therefore, the artificial S2 engine is not working."
"Is this…. good news?"
"Sadly not. Since the missing pieces of the core are here in Japan, Ikari has started, with UN council approval, a military campaign that aims to retrieve them. By force. And with an Evangelion that is able to generate an AT-Field on his side, no military force on Earth can stop him. Unless…"
"The Jet Alone… but I don't think that it will be enough. I've fought that thing before. There is no way that it will be able to defeat Asuka! And, also, it cannot generate an AT-Field."
"You're right. That's why we Ibuki and the others are using the remaining core pieces of Unit 02 to create an entry plug that will allow a human pilot to control the Jet Alone and also project a functional AT-Field."
Shinj got up on his feet, finally realizing what was the reason of this conversation.
"You…. you want me to pilot this thing to fight against Asuka?"
"That's what the world is asking to you. But what I, Jima, and several other people are asking you is to save Asuka. And the world. I know that we don't deserve that and that is a lot to ask, but the truth is that we don't have much time for trying to make things ready for that counteroffensive. So, Shinji Ikari…. what's your answer?
Shinji looked away and stared at the wall that was still marked with blood from his hands and forehead.
After several seconds passed by, he looked at the man, straight in his eye, and gave him the answer.
*flash.
The Shinji on the screen was wrapped in a blanket, staring at the sleeping form of Asuka. The girl was cute when she was asleep, even though she got no care at all for her appearance, especially after she was able to remove her plugsuit and her bandages. She settled to wear just an over-sized green jacket and panties and also improvised another bandage that looked like an eye-patch to cover her eye.
Since we that moment after that rough first day, she refrains to talk with me more than the minimum necessary. I'ts natural. I've come to accept the fact that we the is no hope for us. It's kinda like to fly a plane with broken wings. Only ashes remained from our previous relation… interactions that we had, so I've got no room in her heart. I will always be just only another constant source of pain for her. And nothing will ever change that.
But sometimes, just like it happened on that night, she opted to lay down to sleep next to me.
Maybe because she always has been afraid of the dark, or of the sound of rain that could be heard even underneath this shelter. Heh, it's ironic that my idiotic act of cowardice was somehow useful, since I was forced to know about those shelters that were designed for enduring apocalyptic events and, fortunately, they showed that it was no propaganda. It was good enough to aid the survival of two kids, at least for some months.
Sure, those days in that shelter were utterly boring. I didn't mind it at all. Except when that happened.
"Asuka? Are you ok? Hey… wake up! Wake!"
She was having another nightmare. A rather brutal one. And his screams weren't making any effect. So, Shinji, in despair, did the better thing that he could do at that moment. He picked up a gun. And shoot.
Straight into the wall of the other side of the shelter, making a huge noise.
"W-what?"
"Asuka!"
"What the hell is happening here, third? Are we under attack?"
"No… it's just…"
She looked at the gun in his hand and stopped, retreating herself in fear and moving away from him.
"What the fuck are you doing? Trying to end what you've started on the beach?"
"No! You were having a nightmare and so I…"
"So, you decided to shoot a firearm because of that? You moron. Don't you know that bullets can bounce back? Are you that stupi…"
"I'M SORRY, OK?" – he shouted, making the girl stop talking – "You…. you were having a nightmare. A bad one. So that's why I did it."
"Oh sure. And you couldn't have wakened me up in any other way?"
"No. I'm not allowed to get near you and I won't do it."
She looked at him, visibly surprised, and with a mix of proud and disappointment in her look, as she realized that he indeed has been honoring the request that she made after they meet at the beach.
"Asuka... A few weeks ago, on that beach, I was... what I did... And that's not even the worst thing that I've done to you. But you were kind to me... you... didn't reject me this time. I don't know if I will be able to not hurt you again that's why... I will honor your request and will keep my distance, but I'm not running away anymore.
I know that my presence disgusts you and that you have every right to take revenge on me. But things around here... are not easy. Besides, I've also seen what you wanted... what you need. That's why... even if I failed you before... I will try again... I will help y..."
"Stop it!" – she said with a cold and, yet, soft voice.
"I know you will never forgive me. So, I just want you to tell me how close you want me to be. We're partners!"
"Partners, huh? Is that what we are now?"
"I... don't know."
"Of course, you don't! Get something straight, idiot. We really aren't anything and never will be. We are just two people who know everything about what is in each other's hearts. No masks, no nothing. The good things and the bad things that we wanted to keep hidden forever. I saw all the disgusting things you did and you also saw how rotten inside I really am. Why keep doing this? Why live in this shitty world?
"If… if you want to..."
"No! Damn, are you really that stupid? I already said I won't let an idiot like you kill me. I don't want to die."
"O-ok... you won't. I will do everything to…."
"Idiot! I've told you before. Just don't do anything, because everything you do is hurt me. I needed your help before. I don't 't need it now or ever again. So just be quiet, okay? I don't need a babysitter, much less to be taken care of by a spoiled child."
"You... you're right, Asuka. But you're also wrong."
She looked at him with an angry glare.
"It's true that I'm still a child and maybe I really am an idiot, but I certainly learned something from all this... Mostly... well... about you."
"Oh really? Ah, yes, I forgot that you were inside of my damn mind! So, tell me something that I don't know already, idiot."
"I'm not talking about that. I didn't get it at the time, but after our… conversation, Rei and Kaworu showed me what I couldn't understand. And I learned that you are who you are, Asuka. I have no right to ask anything of you or think that I have made or can make any difference in your life. And that's exactly why I won't be afraid to say or hide anything from you anymore. You know that I need you. And you know that I won't run away as long as you need me and, despite of your pride, you really need me right now."
"You... how dare you? I…aaargh" - the girl took a deep breath – "Look...I don't want to do that. I know you actually want to help now and I really don't want to fight with you. But please...stay away from me."
"It's like I told you, you have every right to hate me. But like you said yourself, we're in this together, remember? Our mission isn't over yet."
"Idiot…. I already told you. I don't hate you. I should hate you. But I know that you're just as fucked up as I am."
The two just sit down, tired of arguing, looking away from each other. Several minutes passed, until Asuka broke the silence.
"You know what, third? This whole thing is a tremendous piece of shit. We should have had the chance to be kids. To live the stupid things that kids do. To have a real family. With mothers and fathers present in our lives!
We should have had the chance to grow up, to meet people, to have friends, to fall in love... not to live a shitty life piloting Eva to make me feel special or to please idiot adults who used us as tools to fight monsters that hurt us in body and soul. And suddenly, after all that, the world becomes... this. And now?
Nothing that we have lived and been all our lives makes sense anymore. Look, I'm not trying to be a bitch here but... the fact is that we will never again be able to be comfortable with each other's presence. It's like..."
"Like we've just ended a relationship... of a lifetime. Without ever really being together. And yet we can't even stay away from each other because circumstances won't allow it. It hurts."
"Y... yes..." - he said with a faint blush over her cheeks - "That's...actually a good definition."
An awkward silence was formed for another few minutes, until the boy dared to ask a question.
"Asuka... do you think that... maybe…. if things were different... or if we gave ourselves some time, we could have..."
"No."
Her quick response made the boy lower his head, ashamed of his dumb attempt and idiotic glimmer of hope that refused to die.
"We... you shouldn't think about love or such silly things anymore. This is not instrumentality anymore. It is the real world. We don't even know who we are anymore and what kind of life we will have from now on. And beyond that." - she said with a sad and distant look - "It's like I told you. How can anyone love a person after seeing the worst faults and worst attitudes they have done and are capable of doing? And how can you be loved by another person who has also seen all the rottenest side of your soul? It is impossible. There are things, thoughts and feelings that must be kept forever and nothing and no one can just... violate."
I knew exactly what she was referring to. Another failure for my collection.
"You are right. I'm sor... I shouldn't have asked... We will... find a way to work together... as we always did. I will be right over there. If you need something, just ask me, ok?
She didn't answer. The boy leaned on a close wall and closed his eyes, waiting for sleep to overcome him, until he heard her voice again.
"You mentioned that you've talked to Wondergirl and that weird homo-angel in that place, right."
"Yes."
"I didn't know that."
"Oh… well, after our… conversation… I went to a weird place. I was kinda trapped an infinite circle of death and rebirth. I think it's what they call samsara in Buddhism."
"That makes no sense for me, what does that mean?"
"It's like living several different lives."
The girl suddenly got anxious and got up on her feet.
"Eeeh? So you mean that you're now like, a thousand years old or something like that?"
"What? No, no…. not this. I didn't really live all those lives. It was kind of… sitting on a chair at the cinema and watching a movie, but several different movies at the same time and all of them got into my head. I… remember only a few things about them, actually."
"That's curious. For me… it was not like that. I kinda was… in the bardo, or the purgatory or something like that… maybe it's because I was born and raised in a culture with a different conception of hell."
"Yeah… maybe…"
"So, tell me more about those other lives of yours."
"W-what?"
"You've heard me. I will not be able to sleep again for a while thanks to your stupid decision of waking me up with the sound of a bullet being shot. Besides, if we are really partners, you shouldn't hide information from me. Everything that you remember may be important for us to decide what we are gonna do. We can't stay here forever."
The girl's mood had changed again. She was regaining her fire and entering in "pilot mode", determined to try to find more pieces that would allow her to think about a plan.
And while I loved her fire and determination, I was also worried.
At that time, I didn't think that the best moments of my life after Eva were those quiet nights when we were successful in orchestrating the silence.
But in the rare occasions she was willing to talk with me, I always got the sensation that we would end up hurting each other again, like in instrumentality. And that night wouldn't be different.
I didn't know at the time, but that it won't be just another night, but our last moment before… tomorrow. The last time that I would see her face.
*flash
Another change of scenario.
I could recognize this cell, which had been my home for most of this time, and the scene showed my past version laying on the bed, with his ear touching the nearest wall.
It was on that day... after several months, that I could finally hear her voice again. And the fact that we were separated by a real wall, surprisingly, worked so well that the metaphorical walls were partially broken.
I was able to explain what I had tried unsuccessfully to say while we were still together in that shelter. It was a small moment of happiness. She deserved to know the truth, and I really needed to get it off my chest and out of my mind.
But after I finished speaking, all I heard from the other side of my cell wall was the silence that lasted for minutes. Hours. Rationally, I should have accepted the fact that she was no longer there, and after hearing everything I had to say, she decided to leave.
It was expected. Asuka would never understand that we cannot escape our destiny. In all the universes I have seen in instrumentality, we always meet and fall in love. But that doesn't mean that we can stay together and be happy, because there is an unsolvable paradox.
Just like my father was, I'm doomed to always have to choose between sacrificing the world or trying to be with the woman I love.
In the universes that I've managed to save her and we were able be together, the Evangelions would eventually bring chaos and destruction to the world.
In the universes that I've managed to save both her and the world, the price was too high. In the best-case scenarios, we would have to give up our memories and experiences and basically return to the same dilemma again: we would fall in love and the cycle of Evangelion would begin again.
So, I realized that, to save the world from the curse of Evangelion, I would have to give up the hope of being with her. She would find her place to be and be happy, and the world would be rewritten as a world without Evangelions. It would be the best possible ending for everybody.
But I was weak. So instead of embracing that outcome, I asked Rei to return to this devastated world, instead of remaking the reality in a way that both Asuka and the world would be fine, even if I was heartbroken.
No, it's a lie. I didn't run away from that outcome. The truth is that I reject a good ending for everybody because I wanted to see her again.
Yep. I'm disgusting. What kind of person would deny the opportunity to give everybody on the planet a chance of a good ending because of one's own egoistic needs and desires for something that is unobtainable? Now most of them are still drowned on those red oceans.
After I woke up on that damn beach, I've already resigned to the fact that this was my fitting punishment for my selfishness. There is no way to rebuild from here.
I've failed them both: the world and the woman I love. I'm not a Buddha, a God or even an adult. Just a scared little child that vowed to, at least, try to learn to love himself and don't run away.
But why I never have been able to just lose this damn hope?
I never expected her to return. But the screen was showing the moment when I heard her voice from the other side when I was almost falling asleep.
"Already asleep, third? Well, I think it was a busy day for you so you must be really tired from doing absolutely nothing. Just like a baby. Instead of asking pen and paper to write stupid letters you should ask for a cello. At least is one decent hobby that you can still do, even being locked in a dumb cell."
Classical Asuka, with her characteristic way of talking on the basis of irony and with her passive-aggressive humor. But I would not bear it that time. We were not children anymore and I didn't need to be afraid.
"Why you keep doing that, Asuka?" – the Shinji on screen responded.
"Doing what?"
"Always trying to be near me. First on the beach… and now. After all of the unforgivable things that I did to you. After all the times we hurt each other… why?"
"Listen here you…"
"It was because you have fear of being alone?" – I could hear my counterpart interrupting her. - "Like you said before… it's just because we don't have nobody else to relate? Because you don't have anybody else, you are looking for me? For you anybody would, do it?"
Several seconds of silence have passed by.
"You're really an idiot. That's the key difference between us."
"For you, anybody will do it. Because you would accept anyone that simply liked you and you would be ok with that just to not break the other person heart and for the pleasure of being loved and praised without having to do any effort to achieve it. Kinda like what you did while piloting the Eva.
It's not the same with me. I hurt people. I don't accept anyone inside my heart. Nobody would like me if it wasn't for my looks or my status as genius and elite pilot. Heck, nobody would even tolerate the real me for a long time. Even Hikari was reaching her breaking point. But…" – she paused.
"But…"
"I had the foolish dream that maybe you would. Because you also were a pilot… and you knew how bad it is. Not just piloting but everything else. I never needed to be saved or to be admired … but I wanted to be accepted and maybe loved by someone who could understand me and also challenge me to do better.
You were my rival. But you were also my partner. You were… different. Do you know I trust you, right? Do you think that I would talk to anyone else like I'm talking to you right now?"
"No." – I found myself answering in synchrony with the Shinji on the screen, on reflex.
"Heh, I guess you are not that stupid… if you only had realized that before… you had it all in your hands, third. You just needed to keep pushing back and don't give up on me. Like you did from the start on the ocean, on that stupid training… on the volcano."
The sincerity or her words was breaking me. I had it, didn't I? I had all the possibilities of making it right. And I squandered it.
"At first I tried to tease you to challenge you and to make you react. And eventually I tried to show you the cracks in my armor… I took risks… made myself vulnerable to you in a way I never did for anyone else." – she continued her monologue, uninterrupted.
"I did it all to see if you would be able to be there for me, to reach out for me. But you didn't. You got tired of me and run away to seek comfort in better people. Or not even real people, like… Wondergirl and homo-angel."
I thought about scolding her for once again using those mean nicknames to reefer to two of the most important persons in my life, but there was something different in her voice this time. It was not filled with anger or sarcasm. It was more like… sadness?
"I've thought about our last conversation for many nights. And especially about them."
That phrase got both me and my counterpart on the screen by surprise.
"Wond… Ayanami…I really wanted to be her friend at the start, even though I suck at reaching out to people without using a mask. So, when she didn't accept my offer and tried to get on my place by dancing with you and offering to dive into the volcano I was frightened by her competition. But as we worked together as a team, I started to respect her and even… tolerate her company in some way."
The Shinji on the screen almost fell down from his bed in surprise. Asuka and Ayanami? That's…
"It pains me to admit that but, in the end, I guess that she was not a doll after all. She was made to be that way and still was able to overcome that destiny at the end. She changed, evolved, got better and still keep going strong until the end… while I've descended into darkness. It's no wonder that's why you were always more comfortable around her than with me. Even if she only did the simplest of the things, she was still miles ahead of me. She treated you and anybody else with respect and kindness. And, meanwhile I…. heh… I guess she really was the best girl after all."
"What the heck?" – my counterpart spoke, loud, interrupting her - "I mean… don't say things like that, Asuka. You are yourself and Ayanami is Ayanami. And I… I think... we were a team, right? So, it was never a competition."
"Yeah, right… a team." – she still sounded defeated and depressed but I could identify a somewhat positive change in her voice, regaining a little of her old fire back - "Like things are that easy in the real world, third. But I guess you have a point. It was not a competition between us. That competition was only on my head because I was so damn insecure and afraid of losing the few good things that I had in my life.
That's why I was jealous of her and also of you... because your presence and Invincible-Shinji performances made me feel worthless in the only thing that made me special: piloting Eva. And I also felt jealous of her and of Misato for….. whatever… the point is… I can see why you or … anybody else would like to be with Wo.. Ayanami, especially if she wasn't… made to be a doll by diese beschissenen Schurken!"
"Asuka…"
"Just shut up and listen, will you? Well… thing is she was weird, but also…. beautiful and strong. And I guess that all of those doll-like traits… could in fact had been virtues… such as kindness and loyalty, especially for those ones that would be able to get her off her shell. Like you did. While I… wow… I was such a bitch to her. I can only hope that, despite all my teasing and harsh interactions to her, I could have been something more than just another source of pain to her c-crappy life."
Even if I couldn't see her face, her trembling voice said it all. I never thought that Asuka had those kinds of opinion about Ayanami. But it all came clear now. Asuka tried to be her friend, in her own clumsy way. She respected and trusted in Rei's abilities during the battles the three of us fought together. She decided to go to that Ramen stand because it was one of the few places where Rei could eat vegetarian food. They could have been friends, so…. maybe it was… my fault?
"The same goes for…. Nagisa, right? I never meet him, but from what I've heard from you he was kinda like the perfect alpha guy. Handsome, clever, easy going, cultured and not afraid to show his feelings."
"Y-yes… he was pretty much everything that… I'm not."
"Ooohh?! You're the one saying it, not me."
I could hear her chuckling. Even if I wasn't able to see her, I could imagine the triumphant smirk on her face.
"But… I'm trying to be serious here, so let me finish. I guess he should have been really amazing, interesting and handsome to make you… fell in love with him. Really, I find it hard to believe that such a perfect guy could exist, but since you did fall in love with him and I know for sure that at least your penis swings to the other side…."
Ouch… that comment made the Shinji on screen blush for several different reasons and I think I'm also blushing right now. Damn. Only Asuka is able to deliver those kinds of comments that make me feel several conflicting feelings at once.
"And giving the fact that Angels could appear in many different forms, I guess that it's possible. I mean, I don't know if he took that form and personality only to make you vulnerable so he would be able to attack us in a very efficient way. You know that I have my reasons to dislike those bastards. Especially the ones that intent to mess with our minds and feelings.
But I guess that…if he wasn't born an angel and could still be just like he was being able to actively reach to you and offering you unconditional love…. It won't work that way with me, but if he somehow has molded his personality to give me what I've wanted I think that I…"
"Asuka, I understand. I mean, you don't need" – the Shinji on the screen interrupted her in a rather sudden way.
"Of course, you don't understand! That's why I got so mad at you, idiot! I wanted to hit you so badly when you told me about how you could imagine being happy with other people. Because it's totally true. You're an idiot and wimp, but… when you're not being depressed or consumed by guilty… you're a kind person that is capable to do selfless acts for other people without demanding anything in return and even put yourself at risk to protect them.
But I'm…. not like you. That's why I got so angry and… jealous of you. I didn't want you to do nice things for me… because I know that you would also do it for anybody. I wanted you to do those things to me, and only to me… because I wanted to have some kind of special place."
She… was jealous… of me? I never expected to hear those words from her mouth.
"I knew that if you wouldn't be able understand and accept me, nobody else would. But I also knew that you would always have other options to be happy with another person. It's like I said: if I can't have you all to myself, I don't want you at all. Gott, I'm such a selfish bitch.
I've put so much expectations into you, but didn't take into consideration your own troubles and the issues you were having at that time. You didn't help me. And I didn't help you. Not even at the end, at that time that you openly and desperately needed my help."
Asuka….
"And now that you've told me… that you've seem those different realities in Instrumentality…. And you were so serious about it that I know that you were not lying… I finally realize one thing….
"It was not 'Asuka' who you could not accept the existence and make the effort to be together with. It was… just the real me that you couldn't stand. Isn't it?"
I froze, in synchrony with the Shinji on the screen. He began to stutter, trying to search for the right words. But, no matter how hard he tried, he could not pronounce any sound. How could he answer this question without returning to all the unsolvable drama they had experienced several times before? It all went back to that fateful meeting in Misato's apartment during the instrumentality where no matter how much he confessed his feelings, Asuka would call him a liar and the cycle of hatred would return.
"No… I guess in the end it was all my fault, wasn't it? I've put so much expectations into you, but I also was selfish and didn't take into consideration your own troubles and the issues you were having at that time. You didn't help me. But I also didn't help you. Not even at the end, at that time that you openly and desperately needed my help. What was it again that you and the other Stooges called me? The Red Devil? Isn't that right?"
"I-I never..."
"They were right. I always act horrible to people... and still kept a mask on to make myself feel superior and not caring if my behavior would hurt people. Heh... no wonder everyone abandoned me."
The Shinji on the screen made a sad face and I once again immediately mirrored his expression. If there is one thing that has always bothered me it is to see Asuka on her depressive side.
As much as I know that this side is also a part of her, I know that that her confidence and pride are not just a façade.
Her fire, her drive... it's real. When she is like that, I feel better. When I'm with her I feel that I… we can achieve everything.
"Asuka…you...you know that's not true! Misato and Kaji had their problems, but they always cared about you. Hikari was always by your side too and even Ayanami cared about you."
"And what about you?"
"You know the answer."
"Why? You are the one that suffered the most because of my actions and, apparently, I made a point of taking it harder on you than I did on other people. You were right when you decided to strangle me."
"I wasn't..."
"YES, YOU WERE! You... Ikari, from the beginning… all I wanted to do was destroy you… because you were a threat to my number one pilot status, which was the most important thing in my life. And what annoyed me the most was that even though you didn't care about that, you were always the best...and people always gave you all the credit you deserved."
"Asuka, I..."
I should have told her that was a lie. I didn't deserve any credit. Most of the time it was Eva who won the battles for me, ... or because of my mother or even that Dummy System... Unit 01 was different from all the others, because it was made from Lilith. In most of the other battles I only succeeded because I had Asuka, Ayanami, Misato and all the technical staff from Nerv supporting me. And when I was really alone, I only won because Kaworu offered no resistance at the end. If I understood better everything that was happening and Asuka's feelings ... maybe her synchronization rate wouldn't have sunk and everything could have been different. But, as usual, I couldn't find the words.
"LET ME FINISH, DAMN IT! Don't you know how hard it is?!"
After her small outburst she resumed talking.
"Look, I'll try to explain to you one more time. I didn't hate you because you took a position that I wanted for myself and that was the biggest goal of my life. I hated you because you never valued it and, even though you were the best, you still acted like an idiot who wanted to run away all the time. It seemed that your false modesty was just an act, done on purpose to annoy me.
But what I hated the most was that... I couldn't really hate you. I never could because... after seeing what you could do, the way you behaved in training and in battles... the way you cared and looked after Misato and me... I began to admire you."
Asuka admired… me? No… I've saw her mind. I knew that she had all sorts of feelings towards me but…. admiration?
"Then I tried to get closer to you. To give you all the tips in the world that a girl can do without running the risk of getting dumped. The walls of Jericho, the thermal expansion, trying to wear more provocative clothes when walking around the house... I even accepted an invitation to go out with someone else to see if you would care or take action. And you didn't even care. I was so angry that I abandoned that date as soon as I got the chance. And after that...I set up a whole context just to have a lame excuse to kiss you. And you didn't do anything. You didn't even hold me."
Yes. I wanted to. But I didn't. I'm a coward.
"From that moment on I was lost... I couldn't keep fooling myself that I didn't feel anything for you anymore... but you did nothing about it and continued to be the number one pilot, the invincible Shinji Ikari, while I became even more useless.
After you were absorbed by Eva and took thirty days to return... I really wanted to hate you. Because not only did you show again that how useless I was as a pilot you also showed me how much I missed you in my life. And I had the feeling that I would never see you again. Whether it was to get my revenge and chance to show that I was better than you...or to be able to have you back with me so we could go to school together... be able to eat the food you made and spend the afternoons and evenings together with you.
And when you returned from inside Eva...you preferred to spend your time with Wond... Ayanami than with me. I had nothing left... and right after that damn angel came!"
I looked away from the screen, in shame. That was one of my most painful memories. The only time that I really wanted to fight. And my bastard father denied me the chance of making it right.
"That was the one time I really expected the invincible Shinji Ikari to show up to save me. But the one who did show up was Ayanami. And she appeared only to kill the angel, saving me was only a consequence. After that I didn't feel like living anymore. I couldn't even make my Eva move in the next battle. I was destroying myself and nobody else cared. And after you told me about Kaji I... I..."
"Asuka…"
"Shinji..."
I noticed that, for the first time since we have returned from instrumentality, she called me by my first name.
"What hurt the most were not the times you didn't noticed or returned my feelings. And not the times you were not there to help me in combat. And not even the fact that when I wanted and needed your help the most, you were not there. The worst of it all was seeing that deep down you wanted me, but only as one of your jerk-off fantasies. You wanted a doll, a concept, someone who would accept you unconditionally. That's why you only took any action while I was unconscious, damn it!"
The girl stopped talking and chuckled, like she just remembered a funny joke.
"You've… heh… you've destroyed me in every way imaginable... you destroyed me as a pilot and you also destroyed my heart. But deep down I got what I deserved didn't I? Even in the fantasy worlds you created in instrumentality I caused you suffering. I guess even if you were able to turn the world into a place of perfect peace and happiness, where nothing could hurt you, I would not be a beautiful Rosenrot, but the only real thorn in your way that would remember you that pain exist. Well…. I guess that's all."
She stopped talking. And only silence remained. My counterpart was just flabbergasted by what he just had heard. He would need several days or maybe a life time to fully process Asuka's words.
"I won't bother you anymore. I'll ask Ibuki to return to my other cell."
"DON'T! Please, don't" - he shouted with a desperate voice. "You... you can stay here if you... no, I mean... I don't want to los... I want you to..."
I could hear she sighing. With good reason this time, I'm forced to admit. The pathetic Shinji on the screen really was acting like I was a scared 14 years old boy again.
"I just want you to answer me one more thing... Shinji."
That was it. All of those previous words were just the buildup for her to get to the questions that really mattered after all.
"At any point... besides serving as a material to satisfy your fantasies or a lifeline that you only sought out when you had no one else available... did I, really, ever mean anything to you? Did I ever do something good for you? Was there at least something good about me that you could genuinely... love?"
At that moment several images of various memories began to flash across the screen. Each revisited memory became brighter and brighter until it disappeared into thin air in one big, bright flash.
The loving touch on my cheek that I received from Asuka that day at the beach, right after I almost made the biggest mistake of my life. *flash*
Hearing her voice over the radio and the feeling of happiness that surged in my chest knowing that she had woken up and was bravely fighting the Eva series. *flash*
The relief I had after receiving the news that she had been found alive after her disappearance. *flash*
The brief instant of happiness I had when I finally saw her sharing some of her personal life with me after talking to her stepmother on the phone. *flash*
The concern in her gaze when we were in the apartment and on the battlefield, to preserve me from the news that Toji was the pilot of Unit-03. *flash*
The feeling of shame as the whole class looked at us because Toji had called us a "married couple" and how I wanted, for a moment, that to be true. *flash*
The look of satisfaction I saw on the girl's face when she ate the food I prepared or when we spent our evenings together alone watching television or reading manga. *flash*
The jokes and flirts she would make when we were alone in the apartment, coming home from school or even during synchronization tests. *flash*
The cute and fumbling way she tried to hide that she was worried about me when I was in the hospital. *flash*
The applause and compliments she offered me when I finished playing Bach's Cello Suite #1 on the cello. *flash*
The concern she had in arranging a celebration to have ramen in a modest restaurant, so Rei would be able to come with us and Misato could save her money. *flash*
The way she, despite her arrogance, revealed herself to be a true leader during the blackout, devising a plan to put herself as a shield to protect Rei and me from the angel's attack. *flash*
Her smile and the sweet tone of her words to me after the rescue at the volcano. *flash*
The beauty and sensuality of her diving into the pool, which is directly related to the fact that I don't know to this day what the formula for calculating thermal expansion is. *flash*
How beautiful and fragile she was in the moonlight and how much I wanted to kiss her that night. *flash*
The days of synchronization training for the fight against the 9th angel, especially her… fire… her attitude of not giving up even after being surpassed by Rei and demanding that I also give the best I could. I think I loved her on this day. I love this memory. *flash*
How strange and exciting it was at the same time to pilot Eva-02 together with her. Why is it that. unlike Unit 00, Unit 02 didn't reject me? *flash*
How beautiful she looked in her yellow dress on the runway of the Over the Rainbow. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen *flash*
The sensations I felt when she kissed me and how much I regret to this day that I couldn't hold my breath any longer. *flash*.
The look we exchanged before the kiss. Just seeing the scene from this angle, I could tell there was something wrong in her eyes? Her eyes were filled with feelings... I guess... love? Fear? Was she on the verge of crying? *flash*
The Shinji on the screen started screaming as the scenario faded around, leaving only an infinite white blank space.
"ASUKA! NO! NO! Please, stop it! Oh, fuck! Please!"
"Hyuga! Ibuki! Commander Yadoraki! Anyone? Can you hear me? I want to call it off! You have to stop this!"
"You're erasing her from me! Just like my father erased the memories of my mother. Just like he must have erased me from her mind! You're erasing Asuka! Right? Please don't do it. I…. I… love her! But I won't when I wake up ... right? I won't know her, so... please, just leave me alone! Please."
Once again, he cried in vain, knowing that, on the real world, while he was inside of that entry plug, more fragments of his soul were being stripped into the core of this hybrid Eva.
But nobody from the outside world could see him cry or hear his screams.
*flash*
The scenario changed. My counterpart was in Misato's apartment again, looking like I did when I was 14, wearing black pants and a red blouse. Asuka was there too, with her yellow blouse and tiny shorts, staring at him with a curious look.
"Baka-Shinji, why are you crying? Men are not supposed to cry. Are you that pathetic?"
"Asuka…Shit! They're erasing you."
"Oh… That makes sense, I think. After all I'm just a train wreck right?" – she got towards her room – "Then I shouldn't be here bothering you."
"No, please! We need to stop it, before I wake up and don't know you anymore."
"Okay, well, y'know… just tell them to cancel it then."
"I can't cancel it. I'm inside the entry plug and they can't stop it."
She shrugged and went into the living room, sitting on the sofa and started to looking at the TV. Shinji sat next to her and held her hand.
"Asuka… I'm serious… we have to do something… please…" He couldn't hold on the tears anymore.
"Hey, stop crying. I'm not really here. It's not a real memory. I'm just the Asuka in your mind. If you can't ask them to stop, just wake yourself up!"
"I can't…"
"Shinji, you're always so negative. Just shut up and try! You never try anything. Always running away and giving up so easy."
"I don't know how I can do it!" – I blurted angrily. "You did it, too! You erased me first. It's the only reason I'm doing it. WHY? Why did you do that to m…"
I stopped as I felt her hand caressing my cheek, with a sad look on her face.
"Shinji… I'm sorry. "You know me. I don't mean to hurt you. I'm just… impulsive."
I stared at her for a long time. I knew that this Asuka was not real but, even if it was just the Asuka in my mind, I still needed to try to protect her. To hold on the memories of her. I couldn't let her go.
"I know Asuka. It's one of the things that I love about you."
Misato's apartment started to fade, leaving only both of them in a blank space.
*flash, flash, flash*
"I miss… those times when I was alone with you. We had our bunch of errors and successes. I wish I could turn back time."
"Hey Shinji."
"Yes, Asuka?"
"I'm bored."
"W-what do you mean?"
"Are you stupid? I'm nothing asking for much. But if you can't even do that for me, then what is the point? Just leave me already!"
"S-sorry…. Please, don't go. I mean… Yes, I will do Asuka. Anything."
The girl looked at him with pleading eyes as her face started to disappear.
"So…can you… can you give me… one last kiss?"
As Shinji's arms found the way around her, wrapping the girl into a firm embrace, their faces moved on towards each other.
*flash*
The scene changed again.
Shinji was back into the cell, looking at the clock. 3:35 AM.
"Hey... Shinji?."
"Hmm… it's late. Go back to sleep, Asuka. Can we talk tomorrow?"
I remembered that conversation. It was the last time that I heard her voice.
"I never answered you."
"What?"
"About your question...on the shelter."
"Oh.. It's... but... you've already said that…"
"I know what I've said at that time. But I'm gonna give an answer now, for real."
"Ok."
"Perhaps… If we had had a different meeting. If by chance it were possible to erase everything we live and be reunited again ... being able to start all over again, from scratch ...then… maybe."
"Maybe?"
"Yes. Maybe… if we had never met before and I saw you in the middle of the street, at school, in a store, or… at a train station or in a train car… I… would try to get your attention."
I listened to her, in awe. A strong warmth forming in my chest.
"You, being the idiot that you are, probably wouldn't even notice me ... but if you looked at me ... if instead of running away ... you didn't hesitate… if you had the courage to come to me, like that day at the volcano .. . perhaps ..."
"Asuka ... I ...I would certainly notice you."
"And?"
"About the rest ... Yeah ... maybe."
I guess she always has been right all that time. I am an idiot, after all.
"Hey Shinji… can you play it again… so I can sleep?"
"Ok."
It was almost 4 AM on the clock and Shinji started playing the cello. Bach Suite Number 1. The song that I've played over and over since I got my cello back. Not because nobody had told me to stop, but because she asked me to play it.
Since the day that she moved to the cell next to mine, this had become a redemption song for us. Usually, she would hum the song or make light taps on the wall to make me sure that she was listening, in some kind of a strange duet.
That was not the case that night.
As the song ends, the scenario started to fade.
*flash
I opened my eyes and realized that my counterpart at the screen was now on a train station, wearing a formal suit. His hair was cut in a decent way and I think he was even taller now. Like an… adult.
On the other side of the train station's embark platform, there she was. Asuka. She also looked like she had grown up, dressed in some kind like a women's business suit while holding a weird kind of electronic device on her hand. Gorgeous, as always.
He approached the border of the platform, not caring for the warning signals and the security protocols, assuming the risk of falling down in the rails. She did the same. But there was no way for them to get closer than that.
"You still thought that you were going to be able to save me this time, didn't you? Even after all that we've been through? Have you learned nothing at all? Forget me, let me go." Asuka said as I noticed that the scenario starts to slowly fade again.
"I know, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." Tears started to drop from his eyes. The sadness also overcome me. Harder than ever. Both in the real and in all those Instrumentality worlds.
"Hey. It's okay. You don't need to feel guilty because you're not invincible. Nobody is. Real life is not like fairy tales. Most of the relationships that start during adolescence will crumble because of immaturity. Most people won't marry they first childhood crush. Heck, they won't even marry the person they loved the most. Did you really believe the we, from all people, would be able to defy those odds?"
"It's… it's just not fair. I just… I think we deserved better, you know?"
"Stop being a child. Have you learned nothing at all even after all this time? Come on, everybody knows what you should do. You have to move on. Accept that we are not meant to be together, even if we like each other. Because there are things that we cannot control about our destiny. And it's fine, you're finally free now. Everyone else will look you at you being mature and safe in a new world and be sure that this is the best ending for our story. So, try to find your own way and be happy, ok?"
She was saying that, but I could see that she was trembling. Once again, she was being strong for both of us, because she needed to do it, since I could do nothing. I'm… scum.
"Asuka… I… understand but…. I'm selfish and weak… I can't! I can't go on without you. Yeah, maybe I will continue to exist and even be happy but that won't really be living… I won't ever be the same if I forget you."
She turned her face away, hiding a faint blush.
"I.. I will miss you too, stupid. Maybe things could have been different, if we could just give it another go around. Maybe we could have boarded the same train and we would have found each other again. And maybe we would have a chance to start over together, in a world without Evangelions. It would be everything you've ever dreamed, right?"
I could see her starting to fade as the announcer's voice informed that the train was getting closer and that they should step back for security reasons.
"Asuka… It's all returning to nothing. There are no more memories left. I couldn't even say good-bye to you. Please don't leave me. P-please…. I need you."
"Stop crying, baka-Shinji. It's too late for that. Just make up a decent good-bye. Or at least let's pretend we had one."
Asuka raised her hand and waved to me. The train brakes were making a loud noise as the scene was fading, but it didn't matter. I could only hear and see her.
"Auf wiedersehen, Shinji." – she said as she was almost fading away.
"I love you more than you will ever know!"
She smiled.
I cried harder. That's what I will miss that the most. Every pain, every doubt and all the negative feelings always seem to go away when she smiles.
The train finally stopped between them so neither me or the Shinji on the screen could see her face anymore. Some people from her side of the station starts to board into that train.
The train departed and I can see there is nobody else in the other side. Now I can't even remember her face. And I know I would not ever remember it again.
Then everything faded into nothingness.
*flash
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-|-O-|-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Once again, a big thank you to YourBlandestNightmare, tomdj1701 EvaPilotFair, calborghete, poBBpC, SheriffJohnStone, Iraki01, Mr Mojo (your tears will be rewarded my friend. Keep your faith in those two pilots) and other guest readers that are following this story.
I think that most of the mysteries about the plot are starting to be solved and now we will go towards some more emotional chapters until the conclusion. Hope you are in for the rest of the ride.
Hang on Shinji. Hang on Asuka. Now that the pieces are in place, next chapter we will have the conclusion of this story. And, after that, an epilogue with some interesting notes.
See ya space Cowboys!