i gotta be honest: i lost steam for this story. when i wrote the last chapter, i had a clear idea of how this one was gonna go, but then when i sat in front of the word document to keep going, it suddenly all disappeared. i had to take a break for a few days and come back to crank it out. and here you go!

now, read, ponder, and enjoy!

"Don't hate her."

"What?"

Kara played with the label of her beer bottle, tearing it off fraction by fraction, letting the moisture help out a bit in the process. She refrained from shooting pleading looks at her sister, choosing instead to focus on the diminishing logo of the horrible draft beer that Alex was unusually fond of.

It was a good thing that the fire escape was barely lit in the night, so her sister wouldn't be able to read her so easily. Sam was inside, showering off a day of grime and sweat. Instead of washing herself off as well, Kara had liberated a bottle of beer from the fridge and sat on the fire escape, joined by Alex not so long later.

"Don't hate her," she repeated, lifting the beer to her lips and taking a healthy gulp.

Alex was quiet for a moment, studying Kara's profile. "Is that a request or a declaration?"

At that, Kara could only smirk sardonically. No humor whatsoever. She leaned against the railing and rested the bottle against her forehead, condensation gathering on her skin. "Request. Declaration. Both," she corrected, squinting at herself and shrugging. "I don't know. Is there a difference? Is it important?" She clenched her jaw. "I saw her."

"Yeah, I know."

Kara shook her head and cleared her throat, fiddling with the label once more. "No, I saw her again. Two days ago."

"Where?"

"The park."

A pause, and then, "Oh."

Because Alex and Sam – and James and Lucy – were the only ones who knew about the shared habit – well, not exactly shared, more like a habit that Kara inexplicably picked up after the divorce. Their colleagues knew that Kara liked to take a walk in the park after work, but none of them really knew why. They just saw it as it was.

She liked to lie to herself and say that she didn't know why she'd picked up the habit. But late in the night, when she was lying in her giant bed alone, the left side cold and empty, she would be honest with herself.

Five stages of grief. Five stages of the emotional turmoil she'd gone through to grieve her failed marriage to a woman she'd loved with her whole heart. Five stages of heartache at the understanding that she'd given her heart to Lena Luthor and there really was no way of her ever loving anyone else the same way again.

In the beginning she couldn't make herself go back to a barren apartment without a wife, the wife she'd left behind in Metropolis – denial. After that, she just kept walking, because she and Lena had so many arguments over her sullenness whenever she relented to Lena's pestering, so here she was, walking – anger. Subsequently, her feet took her to the park, and part of her was thinking that if she could just keep walking, maybe Lena would be able to see and she would come back – bargaining. And then, she realized that if she went home, maybe she would down a whole bottle of sleeping pills or drink a whole carton of beer and that just wouldn't do, so she took herself out to the park and forced herself to see people – depression.

Finally, it dawned on her that Lena was truly gone. She'd uprooted her life and moved here to National City, and Lena stayed in Metropolis. That didn't stop her from walking though; she kept at it, because what else could she do? At least this way, she could pretend that the shadow grip on her bicep was real and the deep chuckles weren't imaginations. Acceptance.

"She hates me," Kara said, distinctly remembering what it was like to see Lena at the park. She could hear the shrillness of Lena's voice as she yelled at Kara. "Can't say I blame her."

"I could never hate her. Lena's a good egg," Alex announced. "Do you hate her?"

Kara chuckled darkly and drank more beer. "I couldn't hate her if I tried," she replied and lifted her shoulders in a shrug. Not even in her angriest moment could Kara bring herself to hate Lena. "Do you think I got tired of loving her?" she asked, frowning deeply at the thought, at the words that kept bouncing around in her head.

Alex pondered the question for a long moment. So long that Kara figured her sister had fallen asleep, but she didn't turn around. She just stared at the apartment building on the opposite side of the building, watching a family playing Monopoly through the window.

"I think –" Alex started, a hint of hesitation in her enunciation "– that you two could have tried a little harder." Kara tightened her grip on the railing, the rust staining her palm. "You didn't get tired of loving her, Kara. You got tired of trying to convince her that you do."

Her mother – birth mother, that was – didn't have a loving relationship with her father. They both came from families that prioritized benefits over feelings, and any offspring was only pawns for them to trade for more benefits. Unfortunately for Alura and Jordan, they were born into those families and had no free will to dictate who they were going to spend the rest of their lives with.

Kara knew that her parents had never truly loved each other, but they were best friends. The best of friends, attached at the hip and never without the other. Alura had a butler to love her faithfully, and Jordan had a string of girlfriends who had to sign NDAs whenever they walked out the door. The marriage wasn't what they wanted, but they worked with it.

Even when they'd died – a hit-and-run, and they never caught the perpetrator – the authorities found them holding hands, because they may not have been in love, but they loved each other deeply.

Kara had never really looked towards them for relationship advice; they weren't exactly in a position to tell her how to maintain passion and adoration in a relationship, much less a marriage. But she bore witness to the interactions between Alura and their butler, and somehow, even in her youth, she comprehended that those two were really in love.

It was at a dinner. Jordan had gone off to Uzbekistan for a business meeting, so it was just her and Alura, the butler standing just by the door, loyally waiting for his mistress to finish her meal.

"How do you know you're really in love?" Kara had asked, drinking the hot chocolate that the chef had made for her.

Alura threw a knowing glance at her lover, who smiled indulgingly. "You'll know, Kara. One day, you'll meet someone, handsome or beautiful, and you'll think that they're the most radiant being on the face of the planet. And you'll know that…it's them. You're gonna spend the rest of your life loving them."

In the time that Kara had spent with her parents, they'd imparted many advices to her, but this was one that Kara kept with her. She went about her life. Got adopted by the Danvers. Learned a new way of life that didn't involve butlers or maids. Found a passion in fires and being on the frontlines.

And she kept that advice in her heart. Listening to her when she felt the loneliest. Trusting that she wouldn't fall into the trap that her parents did. Believing that one day, she would find the most radiant being on the planet.

And one day, she believed she did. Mid-August when she was 20, not really winter but not really autumn either. Torrents of rain that had just gone on and on and on. It was a miracle that Metropolis didn't flood under the torrential attack.

Kara had found refuge under the awning of a bus stop because she'd forgotten an umbrella in her rush to class that morning. It had been times like these that she wished her sister had stayed in Metropolis, who'd be able to come fetch her home. The awning didn't help much either, because the rain was heavy and there were holes and Kara had to really make herself as small as possible so she wouldn't get wet.

"Where are you headed to?" That voice brought shudders down Kara's eardrums and then past her nerve ends, setting fire that she didn't know she would never be able to put out.

And when she looked up, there it was. The most radiant being on the face of the planet, holding an umbrella over their heads to block off the rain that slipped past the holes in the awning. Bare makeup but vibrant red lipstick. Briefly, the blonde wondered what it would be like to kiss those lips and touch those locks.

"I – um, McKinley building," she muttered, but forced herself to be loud enough to surpass the roar of the rain.

"I'll walk you there."

Kara blinked, thinking that the droplets on her glasses were fooling her, and that this was just a hallucination. Alura had to be lying and it was simply impossible for a girl like this to exist in a world like this. "Are you – you're serious?"

The girl's brows rose; it would have been scary if not for the smile on her lips as well, bemused and teasing. "I wouldn't be standing here, risking my umbrella being torn to pieces, if I weren't sure," she said, and it sounded so warm that the coldness of the weather was nearly nullified.

Kara stood up, dried off her glasses on her jacket sleeve, and picked up her stuff, nodding enthusiastically all the way. "Let me…" she murmured, drifting off as her fingers wrapped around the handle of the umbrella and holding it. "It's the least I could do." She licked her lips and allowed a moment to be struck by the eyes that locked onto her. "I'm – I'm Kara."

The girl nodded and introduced herself, "Lena. I wish we'd met under better circumstances."

"I'd say this is perfect," Kara opinionated as they started walking in the direction of her dorm.

The next twenty minutes had been spent avoiding getting splashed by cars and chatting about their classes at NCU. Kara had been grateful that her hands were occupied – one with her laptop and books, and the other with the umbrella – because otherwise, she wouldn't have stopped herself from wrapping an arm around Lena.

But she knew, right then, at just 20 years old, that she was going to marry this girl, the most radiant being on the face of the planet. Alura was right in that sense – she did know that it was Lena, she just didn't know that it wouldn't be for the rest of her life.

What would possess a group of teenagers to pour liquid nitrogen into a house pool? Actually, what would possess a group of teenagers with barely a mature brain to purchase a container of liquid nitrogen in the first place? And what would possess a group of teenagers to jump into said liquid-nitrogen-pool when basic chemistry in schools taught them explicitly not to mess around with liquid nitrogen?

Collective idiocy, Lucy had deduced. And Kara wasn't usually a mean person. She was rather kind and openminded, as a majority of Station 15 would agree with. She wasn't judgemental at all and she liked giving people the benefit of the doubt.

But this time around, there just was no room of benefit for any doubt to given. Collective idiocy, it was as simple as that. When a group of stupid teenagers came together, they would form one big stupid brain, and they would do hugely stupid things, like pouring a vat of liquid nitrogen into a pool and thinking it would go well at all.

"I regret ever persuading the Battalion Chief to let you into my station," Sam complained, checking Kara's vitals and wrapping a bazillion towels around her to fight the coldness from leaping into the pool.

"Kind of didn't have a choice," Kara stuttered between rattling teeth, because god, it was so cold. "I'm a firefighter, remember? It's my job to save people at the expense of my own life," she continued, still stuttering. "Even when they were exceptionally stupid," she added, deliberately louder so the teenagers could hear her while panicking over their friends who'd nearly frozen to death in liquid nitrogen.

She usually wasn't so mean, but in her defense, she had just leaped into the pool to rescue a teenager who'd asphyxiated from excess liquid nitrogen. And now here she sat, freezing her ass off and kind of still fighting to even do the basic human function. Breathing. Her lungs felt compressed with every intake and suffocated with every exhale.

"You're talking a lot for someone who nearly suffocated," Sam grumbled and picked her up, loading her into the back of the aid car with the teenager who had passed out again. "Do not come back to the station unless you're cleared by the professionals."

"I am a professional."

"You're a paramedic. You can't even do a surgery. Be quiet and let a proper doctor check you out," Sam retorted, pointing a meaningful finger in her direction.

The lieutenant would have protested if it wasn't for the fatigue that gripped her bones and never let go. She sat by the teenager with Barry driving the aid car, and she very lamely glared at the kid, wondering how stupid one could be to do something like this and where the hell her parents had been.

Somehow, she ended up sitting in front of none other than Lena Luthor on a bed in the emergency ward. She didn't know she got here – maybe the liquid nitrogen was really getting to her head. But when she finally regained awareness of her surrounding, her ex-wife was there, sitting on a stool in front of her, curtains drawn around them.

"Um," she mumbled, blurry vision locked onto her ex-wife's name tag and nothing else.

"Welcome back," Lena replied, a mild but playful smile on her lips. "I need you to…" She gestured at Kara's uniform and held up the chest piece of her stethoscope.

"Oh, right."

Weakly and breathlessly, Kara began her efforts to peel off the uniform. She would have asked for Lena's help three years ago, but this wasn't three years ago. It took some time, but she eventually got down to her shirt and lifted it enough for Lena to reach her sternum. If she had a clearer head, she wouldn't have missed out on the way the doctor balked slightly at seeing her abs.

A hiss escaped her lips when Lena's fingers inevitably contacted her skin. "Still cold hands," she complained with a grimace.

Lena only hummed in response and listened to Kara's heartbeat. There once was a time when she would only need to lay her head on Kara's chest to do so, but again, this wasn't three years ago.

This was the way they worked, one of the reasons that Lucy had always touted as the pillar of their relationship. How they complemented each other with their differing body temperatures, one exceedingly warm and one abnormally cold. Kara kind of forgot about all that in the three years they'd been divorced.

"Lungs sound normal. You do seem really tired. I'm gonna order a CT scan just to be sure," Lena said after she'd done all the tapping and shining. "Sam texted me earlier." Kara groaned, and Lena smiled mischievously. "It's my professional opinion that you rest here for the rest of the day until someone from the station or your sister comes to pick you up."

"My boss and my ex-wife conspiring against me. Why didn't I see that coming?"

"The liquid nitrogen, perhaps. I'm gonna prescribe you some oxygen in the meantime, just to get sufficient blood back to your brain." Kara nodded in acquiescence. "There'll be an intern watching you at all times, so don't even think about escaping."

"You're horrible."

"Yes, you've told me that once or twice."

Kara's eyes snapped up to find green ones locked on her. A combination of amusement and recollection of painful memories. Gone was the animosity from the park, when Lena had seemed like she would explode from the emotions pent up in her at the idea of Kara picking up a habit that she'd assumed Kara hated. Right now, they were both just here, two ex-wives in the same city as one another, and they couldn't do anything about it.

She sighed, too tired to even explain herself in a situation like this. Besides, what good would explaining anything do for her in current circumstances?

"Is that the same stethoscope?" she asked, pointing at the object hanging around Lena's neck.

"And what if it was?"

"I'm proud of you. I don't think I ever got to tell you that."

Her ex-wife didn't speak a word for the next few moments, still situated by the curtain. They eyed one another, so much history filling up the small confinements that would air out once the curtain was drawn back.

"I suppose we were both too resentful of each other's careers to feel proud of anything," Lena relented, grip tightening on the cloth. "I'm proud of you too, Lieutenant Danvers." They smiled at each other. "Now, rest well, Lieutenant. Otherwise, a certain Dr. Danvers in this hospital will strangle you for disobeying a doctor's orders."

Despite the stress on her lungs and the sleepiness overtaking her eyelids, Kara still managed a laugh at the added remark, and she fell asleep to the small grin that Lena had sent her way before leaving the bay.

Five hours. She slept five hours. The emergency ward was always busy and the intercom never really stayed quiet. Kara, however, kept sleeping for five hours. She would have kept sleeping if it wasn't for Alex nearly pouring water in her face to wake her up. Alex, who also looked pretty unhappy, glass of water firmly gripped in her hand, and not dressed up in her scrubs and white coat.

"Why couldn't you have stayed on the path of journalism?" were the first words out of Alex's mouth once Kara had regained enough consciousness to sit up straight.

Kara chuckled and rubbed the slumber out of her eyes. "Well, the apartment building opposite my dorm went on fire once –"

"Yeah, I know the story," Alex snapped, depositing the glass on the bedside table. She grabbed Kara's forearm and gently hauled her off the bed. "Come on. I'm taking you home." She helped her sister into her jacket, folding up her jacket over her arm. "You're sleeping in the guest room. I'm not letting you go home alone."

"What – Lena said I'm fine. My CT scan was fine."

"Liquid nitrogen, Kara. I'm gonna make you dinner and you're gonna sleep in the guest room. End of story."

"Dictator."

"Do you want me to call mom?"

That shut Kara up right there. She hustled out of the hospital, half supported by Alex. The car ride was quiet, filled up only with Taylor Swift's latest album. One of the proudest moments in Kara's life would be her success in convincing Alex that Taylor Swift was one of the best song artists of all time.

She almost dozed back to sleep a couple of times during the ride, woken up by Alex's interrupting coughs. She wanted to hate her sister for it, but part of her was also grateful, because if she kept sleeping, she wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. And liquid nitrogen or not, a woman still gotta go to work in the morning to earn her keep.

When they entered Alex's apartment, Kara realized that James and Lucy had also joined them. The former preparing dinner with Sam while the latter just enjoying the booze, waiting to be fed. She blinked at the sight of her old friends, but welcomed their cheers and subsequent hugs to her survival.

She took her time showering, lathering every inch of her body with soap and shampoo to wash away the chemicals that must have clung to her body throughout the day. The heat of the shower was temptation itself, calling for her to just stay there under its violent but soothing beat.

And when she closed her eyes, green eyes emerged, electrifying and hardly kind. It had been three years, but she could recall every single fleck of gunmetal that floated among the jade. It was a damning thing, really, to have all these memories come back to her after three years of not thinking about the divorce paper laminated in the back of her drawer. If she could ever hate Lena, it would be because the woman had never really found the will to leave her mind.

She heaved a sigh, crediting the thoughts to the mist, and got out of the shower. Patted herself dry. Put on some clothes that she'd left behind in her sister's guest room. Rubbed away any lingering makeup. Went outside. Froze in her steps.

"Lena."

The doctor removed herself from James' embrace, bright smile on her lips and a hint of tears in her eyes. "Hey, Kara. How are you feeling?"

"I – um, fine. Feeling much better," she stammered, throwing a minute glare at her sister before looking back to her ex-wife. "Right. You're here." Lena nodded in affirmation. "Right," Kara murmured, clearing her throat.

This was…weird. It was one thing to meet again due to a car accident. One thing to approach Lena herself that night at the park, which really didn't do much to clear the foggy air between them. One thing to run into Lena at the hospital and the park and the hospital again. Those were all accidents. Pranks that the universe had pulled on her just for shits and giggles.

This, however, was clearly orchestrated. There was no way that Sam and Alex would just bring people home without informing another, especially not Lena. For all Kara knew, Alex was probably the one who invited Lena over for dinner.

Just moments ago, she had been imagining Lena in the shower. Not that the rest of them knew that, but for some reason, Kara felt a smidge of guilt at the idea. She shouldn't be imagining Lena in any scenario at all, not when they'd taken off the rings and got out of each other's lives for good.

Clearly sensing the awkwardness that permeated the room, Lucy took Lena's arm and dragged her to the living room to catch up. While James and Sam were busy making dinner, Kara took the opportunity to drag her own sister back into the guest room, locking the door for good measure.

"I can explain."

"Then explain."

Alex hummed, doubtful. "Not now, though." Kara frowned. "Sam and I have a legitimate reason to do this. Trust me." Kara raised her brows, silently questioning Alex's instruction. "You'll know later."

"You couldn't have warned me?"

"I didn't wanna put too much stress on you after you'd just woken up."

"Well, I'm plenty stressed, regardless."

The redhead placed her hands on Kara's arms, squeezing. Perhaps she meant it reassuringly, but all Kara felt was a squeeze and an irrational peak in her chest, because there was a woman out there giving her the most confusing emotion roller-coaster that she'd ever been through in her life, and she just wanted to have dinner and get some sleep and go to work tomorrow.

This day was not going well for her at all. Half of her wanted to isolate herself out on the fire escape and drink a couple bottles of Bud Light before calling it a night, pretending that Lena wasn't near her in a social capacity, in a room filled with people who used to see them as the sappiest couple they'd ever seen in their lives.

Sure, it had been…nice to see Lena again earlier today. The past few times they saw each other had been entirely too filled with past grievances and emotions for them to be able to be calm in one another's presence. She didn't blame Lena for blowing up at her in the park at all. Or herself for blowing up at Lena the first night they'd seen each other again. They both had things to say and they managed to get at least some of them of their chests.

And earlier had been…cordial. They were talking and even joking with another. Kara wasn't totally blind to the fact that the air wasn't completely cleared, but it felt like a step. And if they were gonna be in the same city hanging in the same social circles, baby steps were always welcomed.

Except she hadn't expected to go from a professional setting to a casual one so fast.

There was simply no time to prepare. Brace herself for the eventual integration of their lives, professionally or socially.

Once upon a time, she would have walked out of the room and wrapped her arms around Lena without anything stopping her. This time around, she would be walking out of the room, nodding at Lena, and keeping her hands firmly in the pockets of her sweatpants. Impulses were a damned thing, and after Lena had left, let's just say that Kara's impulse control had dropped immensely.

i'm not sure i'm too happy with this one, but i couldn't figure out what bones that i have to pick, so um, this is what you get.

there's actually more that i wanted to include, but that would make this chapter entirely too long, and if there's one thing i hate, it's chapters that are so fucking long that you just grow tired of the fic all together. and that's the last thing i want.

but really, per usual, i would appreciate your thoughts, negative or positive. if you're not honest with me, i can't improve.