omg, can you believe? an update in a week? i don't know what came on to me.
now, read, ponder, and enjoy!
Here was the thing about having once been married to and divorced from a firefighter: the fear never really subsided. Subsiding was never an option, because caring for someone didn't just disappear overnight, certainly not just because she'd scribbled her initials over the dotted line and walked away.
Over the last three years, while Kara Danvers had faded, she wasn't completely transparent. At least once a day, Lena would wonder. Even though she'd built up a decent resistance to asking for information about the blonde from Sam, she still wondered. Kara's face floated in her mind, and she would always wonder.
Was Kara still alive? Was she doing okay? Did she eat as well as she used to when they were two sappy people happily in love, never fathoming the idea that they would fall out of love one day in the future?
Was Kara happy?
And when she saw Kara wrapped up in a woolen blanket, seated in the back of the aid car, Lena felt it again. The anxiety and fear that always came with caring for a firefighter. In her head, she could see it – a condominium building alight with fire, a shop lot filled up with smoke, and something or other. She hadn't ever imagined a pool of liquid nitrogen per se, but Lena was smart enough to at least comprehend that Kara must have done something foolish in line of her job.
For example, jumping into said pool to rescue a stupid teenager.
It took immense effort to not descend into the state of a hysterical ex-wife. Compose herself and become the best doctor that she had always been. Two interns were directed to deposit Kara in the chair, and without even acknowledging the look that Alex had been sending her, Lena rolled her ex-wife to an emergency bay, pulling the curtains to make sure that no one interrupted.
She was cold. Composed. Even friendly to a point. But all the while, she wondered. Why was she still so afraid?
"I heard you treated Kara."
"I was available."
"You okay?"
Lena sat in her office, having finished her round in the ER and returned to the neurology wing to…specialize. In thirty minutes, she had to operate on a kid with a benign brain tumor that could turn malignant if it wasn't extracted immediately. The tumor was minuscule, but spread around nerve ends that no common neurosurgeon would touch it.
Not Lena. The raven-haired woman relished in this sort of things, challenge and ingenious. It wasn't that Lena liked to brag; her brother did that enough for her. No, Lena wasn't doing it for bragging rights; she was doing it to save a child's life, and because she could. She may very well be the only one in this whole damn country who could. The fact that it would put her on the front pages of some medical magazines didn't hurt either.
And yet. And yet, Lena couldn't stop thinking about her. The woman who was resting away in the ER, not a care in the world, unknowing the turmoil she had wrought in Lena's brain just for putting herself in danger, like she always did.
"Always," she replied, playing with her scrub cap, refusing to acknowledge its origin. "I've never been not okay."
Sam hummed. "That's what I'm afraid of."
Lena rolled her eyes. "Just because you're married to a Danvers doesn't mean you get to be dramatic too," she drawled.
"You were married to one too."
Fingers stopped, hovering over the frayed strings. Lena had repaired the cap many times over the past three years, but she had never had the heart to toss it away. Just like the stethoscope, it was a reminder of love. Once upon a time, she had had a taste of enormous, great love, however short-lived it had been.
"Come to my place tonight. I'm cooking."
"Why?"
"Just come."
"Will Kara be there?"
Sam hesitated. Then, "Yes."
The door to her office opened, and in came the head of one of the residents, who would assist in the surgery. Lena held up a hand with a nod and stood up from her chair. Inside, she was grateful to Sam for always being honest with her, even if it would scare Lena away.
"Text me the details."
Without a word of goodbye, the red button was pressed and the phone was tossed into a drawer. Lena walked out of her office, wearing a scrub cap patterned with clouds and adorable little bears. No Luthor would ever be caught dead wearing something like that, and Lena wouldn't have either, until her ex-wife had gifted it to her during the white coat ceremony.
But still, regardless of the cute scrub cap or the lingering presence of the blonde just a few floors away, Lena tucked them all into little boxes. Mind palaces were good for these things. She had a kid to save, after all.
Kara was expected. In fact, Lena had spent about thirty minutes pacing in her office – thirty minutes after her shift – second guessing her decision to agree to Sam's invitation so quickly, because she'd expected Kara to be there. Sam had pretty much confirmed it, and she didn't imagine Alex had changed much from the overly concerned older sister that she'd been before they parted ways.
One message from Sam, gentle but insistent, became the lightning rod that pushed her out the doors and into a cab. Headed for Alston Avenue, where a nondescript apartment building housing the Arias-Danvers was located. Her nerves wrought with tension and anxiety, but her legs found their way inside the elevator and down the hallway. Her hand was even strong enough to form three firm knocks on the heavy wooden door.
All with the expectation that Kara Danvers would be there.
What she hadn't expected was the sight of her old friends, all gathered in the kitchen, bright smiles and reminiscent eyes directed at her. Warm and scared all over again.
"My god, Luthor, do you age?" Lucy demanded, a blinding grin stretching her lips as she lounged on the stool and twirled a bottle of beer in her hands.
"It's really good to see you again, Lena," James said warmly as he didn't even hesitate to tug Lena into a bear hug that he was famous for, all encompassing and safe.
Three years ago, she'd walked away from Kara, and these people by extension. Call her cold-hearted, call her heartless even, but she genuinely thought it was the best decision she could make for her own wellbeing. Alex, James, and Lucy were all strings, complicated and immensely entangled with the reddest string in her life.
It perhaps wouldn't be an overstatement to say that people might find easier to disentangle cable cords than the lives of the Danvers and co. And Lena loved them, like a person would love anyone who'd been there for them throughout their youth and served as pillars so strong that they could just lean on them without worrying of hurting worse.
But at the end of the day, Lena had to get away. She had to cut off all ties and hide in Ireland for a month to heal the wounds of being left behind the one person she loved most, and she couldn't do that if she had to see them – all stark and blinding reminders of how they were all there to witness the buildup and downfall of her marriage.
She hadn't seen them in three years. She'd thought they would have grown to hate her for being so ruthless. But here she was, welcomed so warmly, like not a day had passed.
There simply was no helping the way her eyes welled up immediately upon James' embrace. Not bothering to hide the way she didn't hesitate to wrap her own arms around his big posture and taking it all in as much as she could, embarrassing as it looked.
"It's really good to see you too," she whispered, breathing in the musky aftershave that he'd been using since college.
"Lena."
The doctor momentarily froze in James' arms before making herself retreat from his embrace, turning her eyes to the blonde firefighter frozen in the hallway. Reluctant smile pulled on her lips.
Lena asked Kara how she was, because it was the ethical thing to do, and because she also really wanted to know. She'd been wondering the moment she learned that Alex had turned up to bring Kara home. There was relief in seeing the fuzziness gone from Kara's eyes and that she was standing upright and steady. Lena didn't wanna think about what that meant.
"We're adopting," Alex announced after serving the dessert, holding tightly to Sam's hand on the tabletop, bright smile on her face.
She looked happy. They both did.
"That's why we asked you to dinner. We wanted to tell you first," Alex continued, her eyes darting between all of them, sort of in a panic.
Kara's silverware dropped, clattering all over the place. Fork on the floor. Spoon hanging in the air. Vanilla ice cream dripping on her sweatpants. It was just a mess. But Kara didn't seem to care. Simply gaped at her sister and sister-in-law. And extraordinarily, expression completely unreadable.
To be fair, Lena was feeling just about the same. Her face was stony, but her eyes locked onto her best friend. Her usually busy brain, always muddling with medical theories and extraordinary methods to save brains, was unusually quiet. Came to a sudden halt with a loud screech. Wheels just stopped turning.
Seeing the shocked silence of the two of them, Lucy seemed to have decided to jump into the fray, asking, "Does Eliza know?"
"We're calling her tomorrow," Alex replied.
"What do you need us to do?" James asked.
"Just be here for us. God knows we're gonna need all the support we can get."
And then they faded into silence again. At this point, all eyes had turned to Lena and Kara, wary and anticipatory. Thus far, the two of them were the only ones who hadn't said a word, one gaping at her sister and one staring at her best friend. They were all very important people in each other's lives, but these four especially.
Attached at the hips before they met their partners – or former partner. And then attached at the hips once more, only four of them together. Three years ago, no one would have thought that they could be split apart, until one of them splintered and ran away.
Then at the same time, Lena and Kara jumped to their feet, still wordless. Lena rounded the table to Sam, Kara rounded the table to Alex, and they hugged the couple, because that was all they could do. She wasn't sure about Kara, but that was all Lena wanted to do at this moment, for giving her this gift that she had never fathomed in her entire life.
"I love you," Sam muttered in her ear, wholeheartedly accepting Lena's rarely enthusiastic hug.
Lena hummed, too choked up to even say anything. She couldn't say anything. She could only hug her best friend and be happy for her.
A week ago, the agency had contacted the Danvers-Arias and informed them of a child they thought would be suitable for the couple. A five-year-old orphan, who'd rotated between a few foster houses for the past year after her parents had unfortunately passed away in a plane crash. A little girl named Ruby, who had an affinity for purple and looked like she had the fullest cheeks on the face of the planet, based on the photos Sam had shown them.
And in about a month, Lena was gonna be an aunt. To a little girl, who would most assuredly have the most protective and adoring family on earth, because there was no way Auntie Lena would ever let Ruby go a day without knowing that she was loved, orphan or not. Neither would Auntie Kara. Their childhoods simply wouldn't allow them to.
Still though, Lena still needed to parse it all. Process the words and images. Completely absorb the idea and the fact of a niece coming her way. So even though the sky had started to pour in the night, blurring out the city and making lives just a tad more dangerous for the flimsy human beings below, Lena still stubbornly climbed out to the fire escape, holding onto a bottle of beer like her life depended on it.
"It's raining."
"Yes, I'm aware."
Raindrops pattered on her legs as she sat with the appendages hanging out the edge. She would say she liked the riskiness of it all if not for the railing that would keep her safe. Plus, a firefighter had come out to join her, so she couldn't be safer, really.
When Kara joined her, though keeping a certain distance between them so they wouldn't touch, Lena couldn't help but remark, "It's raining."
"Yes, but I'm a firefighter. I'm like immune to this kind of stuff."
"Remember that time when you got sick because you were stuck under the rain for hours, trying to save a cat from a tree?"
"I was building my immunity then."
"Remember when you jumped into liquid nitrogen this morning?"
"That's not rain. That's actual poison."
Lena chuckled, shaking her head and sipping more of her beer. Her eyes roved over to Kara, taking in her profile and comparing the smile on the blonde's face to the smile etched in her memories. Nothing much had changed, but for the fact that Kara had definitely gotten bulkier over the years and her smile had dimmed slightly.
The doctor didn't want to fathom the idea that their divorce could be the cause of that dimmer smile. Not exactly dark, but the room was certainly not as bright as it used to be in the presence of that smile. Lena used to live for it, doing all the silly things just so she could see it. How silly of her. How naïve. How utterly and desolately young.
In the living room behind them, James and Lucy were still fawning over the album that Sam and Alex had gathered on a little girl that they'd only ever met once. Laughing and shrieking and sometimes crying. That would probably go on for hours, never mind that they all still had jobs to do in the morning to earn their keep; to take care of an adopted child.
"You're gonna be an aunt," Lena offered. "Congratulations."
"So will you," Kara replied good-naturedly. "So congratulations to you too."
Their bottles came together, clinking nicely, muffled only by the pouring rain, still pattering all over the city.
"Look at us."
"Two divorcees, about to be an aunt to the same little girl."
Few seconds passed. Honks and shrieks permeated the air, alongside chatters and laughter from inside the apartment they'd escaped. And then the two women hanging on the fire escape burst into their own bout of laughter. The kind that could tear apart your stomachs and bring tears to your eyes, because good lord, the fucking irony.
What was funny was that ironic as it was, there was nothing weird about this. Basic familiarity boiled down to the very essence of it – two women, who used to be inseparable, having a laugh, like old maidens in an old folks' home, because life was just fucked like that. Lena should have never doubted its tendency to take a shit on everything just to see which idiot would step on it, and she was the idiot this time around when she made the decision to move to National City once and for all.
The thing was that she had even knowingly stepped into that pile of shit.
For a genius, Lena certainly hadn't been showing much of her prowess when she decided that.
"Is everything okay?"
Both of them simultaneously turned back to find that Sam had poked her head out, cautiously eyeing them both, as if they were teenagers about to head into the nearest Walmart to buy the cheapest vat of liquid nitrogen themselves. Not that Lena could blame her. She didn't ever think that she would one day be sitting next to her ex-wife and laughing with her either.
"We're fine, Sam," Kara reassured.
Only marginally relieved, the brunette averted her gaze to Lena, curiosity and caution perpetual. Perhaps in the next fifteen minutes, she and Kara would come to loggerheads again. For some reason though, the rain and the dampness of the air added a sense of safety. Or maybe it was just Kara.
As such, Lena only nodded to Sam's quiet question, a form of reassurance so her best friend would return to fawning over a new baby girl. The chatter from inside was muffled again when Sam closed the window shut, leaving her alone with her ex-wife again. Lena didn't hate it; she didn't feel an immediate urge to get the hell out of dodge and congratulate her best friend when they would finally be alone.
"Can I confess something?" Kara asked, snatching Lena's beer and taking a sip herself.
"Go ahead."
"I miss this."
Lena blinked, a crevice at the bridge of her nose. Gently, she took the bottle back and just…gulped, because what could she really say to that abrupt confession?
"Alex is great and all. I love talking to her; she's my best friend, you know," Kara rattled on, hands grasping the air, like trying to catch the rain in her grip. Alas, it slipped, like how Lena had slipped three years ago. "But you and I…" she drifted off, squinting at the building opposite them. "I don't know how to describe it, but it's different. And I miss it. I miss you."
Breathing stuttered. Chest stammering. Lena was surprised her hand didn't tremble as she deposited the now empty beer bottle next to her, susceptible to the strong wind that would topple it anytime. The temperature had dropped tremendously, even though it was hardly autumn, and yet, Lena felt hot.
Just all over. Eating the nerve endings that made up the structure of her, almost like each syllable that Kara had spoken was intended to burn her to the very core of her soul, the very insides of her hidden personality that no one had ever seen but Kara Danvers.
She didn't know where to look. Staring at the family in the opposite building would constitute as stalking if she kept it up. The rain was amplified only by the streetlamps, not a single drop to be focused on as it dripped and dripped and dripped. She desperately yearned to head inside and grab another beer, or maybe something stronger, but something told her that she had to sit here for this, or everything would come crashing down…again.
She didn't know where to look, so she looked at Kara.
"You stopped loving me," she said, weak and fragile with the only person she could be weak and fragile with.
Kara chuckled sardonically. "I didn't stop loving you, Lena," she replied, sounding tired at having to explain. "I stopped convincing you that I loved you. There's a difference," she added. When Lena frowned deeper, she continued, "You didn't like that I was out there, risking my life to save others' lives. On top of that, I was studying to be a paramedic, while also getting a diploma in fire science. You were convinced that I was taking on all these things to avoid being at home with you. You were convinced that me going out there meant that I didn't love you enough to stay alive for you."
"You can hardly blame me."
"I don't. I was at fault too."
"I was going to bed alone. Almost every night. And if not, I come home in the morning and you're walking out the door. I go on walks and you're grumbling about having to spend more time outdoors. You stopped looking at me."
"And you kept looking for me. I know." Kara scratched at the back of her neck, hesitating, but eventually, she shifted closer to Lena, though they still didn't touch, as if she knew that the conversation didn't warrant touching. "I know, Lena, and I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused you. I really am."
One of her arms extended in Lena's direction, but then stopped, hanging in the air, before retracting back to the railing. It was then that Lena realized she'd been crying. The alcohol had been fuzzy enough that she didn't realize this until Kara's hesitation in wiping the tears away.
Lena reached up to wipe them away, only for the traces to be replaced by new tears. She sniffled and cleared her throat, as if it was enough to wipe away the emotions that welled up in her. Emotions that she'd been keeping at bay since that first time she saw her ex-wife again in three years, and in an intense situation no less. Life had always had a knack for the dramatic for her.
"You weren't totally innocent too," Kara said.
While Lena had never liked being wrong, she knew that Kara was right too. "Yeah, I know."
"Could have talked to me, you know. Forced me to listen to you. You're very good at that."
"A human being needs fiber to be healthy, Kara."
"Kale is disgusting."
"This is why we're divorced."
Kara burst out laughing. Hearty and ringing in the most pleasurable way. She had a good laugh. "We were good," she commented once she sobered up. "I'm sorry that I didn't appreciate you enough for you to stay. I'm sorry that I left before I even realized I did. I'm really sorry, Lena."
Lena nodded, accepting the apology. She hadn't realized that she'd been waiting for it since the divorce, until now, when the words finally left Kara's mouth, sincere and wholehearted. She made the first move and reached out to clasp her hand over Kara's, trying not to think about the familiar skin, filled with callouses and traced all over with the years of being a frontliner.
"I'm sorry too," she whispered.
The blonde hummed, accepting too. "Can we be friends?"
"Yes, Kara, we can be friends."
The grin on Kara's face was enough to soothe the hurt that still lingered in Lena's chest. It was a good grin. Kara had always had that with her – the very first things that attracted Lena to her in the first place. Lena couldn't remember how she survived the last three years without hearing that laugh and seeing that smile.
Kara (5:34 p.m.): nw tat we're friends
Kara (5:34 p.m.): n aunts
Kara (5:35 p.m.): do u wanna go pick up some stuf 4 our future niece together
Lena (6:09 p.m.): I see you still can't text in proper English.
Kara (6:14 p.m.): no 1s gt time 4 tat
Lena (6:15 p.m.): Not our niece. Your niece. I'm just a fun aunt who's her mother's best friend.
Kara (6:16 p.m.): i bet u 50 bucks tat sam wil want u to b a godmother
Lena (6:16 p.m.): I'll take that bet
Being adopted into the Luthor household meant that everything was catered to her. There were maids and butlers – Lena was kind of surprised that they didn't have footmen. During her childhood, Lionel and Lillian were hands-off, never spoon feeding her, only there for the school activities and ensuring that she was the smartest they could get her to be.
In that sense, they were great parents. Lionel would bring her to LuthorCorp and let her study documents on the latest medical tech they were developing, either asking for input from her five-year-old brain or educating her on the different aspects on how LuthorCorp products were changing the medical field. Lillian would sit there, tutoring her on science and math, sometimes even English if Lena was really stumped, though she rarely ever was.
But other than that, they never brought her to a toy store. Sneered at the sight of arcades and fun fairs. The most fun they ever had together as a family was the golf course, teaching her grips and swings and calculations of distances to get the ball in the hole.
The Luthors bred and cultivated geniuses, but never really children.
Her brother, on the other hand, was different. He seemed to understand that Lena was…different, that she only had half a Luthor in her genes, so while she had the intellect, she also had the yearning for something other than numbers and organs.
He taught her how to ride horses. He showed her how to be kind to the staff and ask about their families. He displayed humanity that Lionel and Lillian seemed incapable of. He was the one who exhibited that feelings were not bad and it wasn't wrong to talk about them, either to a therapist or a close friend. Or a brother who tried his best to make sure she wouldn't grow up cold and heartless.
He was the only who had publicly showed his support for her relationship and subsequent marriage with Kara, and she loved him solely for that.
"How's National City, kid?"
She hummed. "I saw Kara."
He paused, perplexed expression obvious in the pixels of her phone screen. "I'm sorry. Which Kara?"
She rolled her eyes and settled comfortably on her couch. "We only know one Kara."
"I once had sex with a Kara."
"That is disgusting and I don't wanna know," she sneered, rolling her eyes again.
He cleared his throat. He was clearly still in the lab, what with the coat and the goggles tucked on top of his shiny bald head – she wanted to touch his scalp through the screen, just to provoke him a bit. "Right. Is she being mean to you? I have cronies in National City," he added with a teasing wink.
She scoffed and carded her fingers through her hair. "No, we're…friends now, I think," she muttered, squinting a little, recalling her conversation with the blonde last night. "And Alex, James, and Lucy. I saw them too."
"I'm starting to think National City has it out for you."
"I moved here knowing they'd be here."
"Come on, kid," he prompted, taking off the goggles and heading out a door of a room or something. She couldn't tell through the small screen. "Tell me everything."
And she did, because he was her brother – and after the divorce, he and Sam were the only ones she could truly talk to without being afraid of judgement on the other end.
She told him about the accident that led to their reunion. She told him about Alex scolding her for disappearing and not reestablishing contact. She told him about what it was like to see Kara again, all blonde and clumsy and still totally electrifying with her unfairly blue eyes and steady tortoise-shell spectacles. She told him about the lingering heartache that had never left and how her brain still came to a standstill whenever Kara even so much as hinted at a smile.
It felt nice to get it all off her shoulders, because she couldn't tell Sam everything, given that the woman was married to Alex and she deserved to not have to keep secrets from her own wife. Still, she also felt like she might pick up on day drinking just to lighten off the immense confusion that had come with seeing her ex-wife again and finding out that she was still the sweet and bumbling Kara Danvers that Lena had fallen in love with six years ago.
"Surprisingly, they don't hate me," she said, a small smile on her lips. "I can't imagine why."
"Come on. They're smart people. They were there when it all went down. They know you had to walk away," Lex deduced as he clicked his tongue, disapproving of her attitude. "So do we hate Kara or like Kara?"
See, this was why she loved him – he was always on her side. "Would it be weird if I say we liked Kara?"
He shrugged. "You did marry her."
"And divorced her."
He hummed. "Do you wanna…tell mom and dad about it?"
"Mom's gonna laugh at me."
"She'll also get the chef to cook you your favorite food," Lex pointed out, which wasn't completely untrue. Lillian may be cold, but she showed that she cared in different ways, subtle ways that took Lena more than ten years to figure out. "Look, kid, I just want you to live your best life as a doctor and a person. As long as you're happy and the people in your life are good people, I'm all for it."
"I missed her, you know," she admitted, something she never managed to tell Kara last night.
"You'll be okay, kid."
"Yeah. If not, just call me. Like I said, I have cronies in National City."
the luthors will be good to lena in my au goddammit she deserves it