all i can say is that it's been a pretty busy month

now read, ponder, and enjoy!

"Do not laugh."

"No one's laughing."

"Danvers looks like her lungs are about to burst."

The lieutenant mimed zipping her mouth, but couldn't help snorting rather rudely even then. Like a domino effect, the rest of the team started chuckling or trying their best to muffle their mirth. Kara could only raise her hands in defense, deliberately not looking at the victim who was stuck in an embarrassing position.

"Look, it's not everyday you get called to rescue a lady who's stuck in a window because she aimed her poop wrongly," she offered and snorted again after stealing a glance at said lady. "See, this is why I don't do online dating."

"This is not the reason. You don't even date," Sam replied blithely, throwing a knowing glance at her sister-in-law and motioning the rest of the team to get to work. "Just for being a rude bitch, you're on poop duty."

At that, none of them even tried to hold back their amusement, guffawing and patting Kara's shoulders as they walked past. Meanwhile, Kara could only squawk and gape, until she relented to her fate and started scrounging for a paper bag. Well, at least she didn't have to look the woman in the face, or she would have actually laughed harder.

It took them about two hours to pry the window open, with Nia focusing on calming the woman down so that her internals wouldn't get too messed up after the mess she was already in. Surprisingly, but sweetly still, the woman's date didn't seem to mind that he had to call in city resources to rescue her from her diarrhea panic, and didn't even hesitate to ask her out on a second date.

Of course, Caitlin had to be snipy and remind them that they would probably have to have their second date in the hospital. But that only kind of made it sweeter, because the guy actually sat in the hospital with them, claiming that he was gonna raid all the vending machines in the hospital so they could have their second date immediately.

"I bet they're gonna get married and have two and a half kids," Kara mused as she sat in the passenger seat of the engine while Sam drove.

Sam hummed in ponderance. "So you still believe in it?"

Kara turned to her, narrowing her eyes slightly. "What do you mean?"

For a moment, all the captain did was flex her fingers on the steering wheel, biting her lower lip as she contemplated whatever it was in her head. Then she moved to shift her headset and cup the microphone. Oh, okay, so they were doing that kind of talk now. The blonde mirrored her captain's movements as well, waiting.

"Marriage, you still believe in that?" Sam asked carefully, deliberating taking advantage of her role as a driver to not look at Kara.

Kara blinked a few times, and then she sighed, casting a perfunctory glance at James, Nia, and Winn, who were sitting behind them, to make sure they weren't eavesdropping. "Just because my marriage failed doesn't mean every other marriage is gonna fail, Sam," she answered. "I will admit there was a time when I practically didn't believe in anything, but it was a phase."

That was a bleak phase, spanning from the denial to anger stages of her grief process in mourning the death of her marriage to the most radiant being on the face of the planet. She didn't believe in anything; everything either made her extremely sad or extremely angry.

But then she witnessed relationships around her, burgeoning and unrelenting in their utter devotion. The kind where one would die for the other. Alex and Sam. James and Lucy. Clark and Lois. Her disappointment in the idea of relationships were relit as she watched them, and her failed marriage was just one of many, like Alex and Sam's marriage were just one many successful marriages.

How could she not believe in a beautiful thing like love when she saw it every day in the way where Sam always kept her promise to be home on time? Or the way Alex had a standing reservation at their favorite restaurant for their wedding reservation? Or the way Clark looked at Lois like she created the universe?

Sam nodded in acceptance. "Would you…wanna do it again?" Kara raised an eyebrow. "Get married, I mean," Sam clarified.

Without even a hesitation, because this was question that she'd asked and answered herself many times in the past, Kara said, "No."

"Why?"

Kara had to look away, because she couldn't be confronted with the looks and sighs that would definitely come. Her grip on the mic tightened, because this was the one thing she couldn't let anyone else know. No one that didn't know her history with Lena anyway.

"I had my chance with the best person I could ever be with, and I blew it. I don't want another chance with anyone lesser."

That was always it. Lena was always it. Lena was her best chance, her best anything, and she blew it all to hell.

She didn't know what would happen in the future. Maybe sometime down the road, she would watch Lena walk down the aisle to someone else. Kara didn't know how she would feel then, but she would never stop hoping that it would be an individual who knew to love and appreciate Lena better than she did.

It was kind of fucked up that children things, things that would only be used for at most five years, clothing that only fit for less than a year before they to be switched out again; these tiny, little children things for tiny, little children could cost so damn much. Kara had never known until she walked into the mall, and she inadvertently developed a deeper appreciation for parents.

She'd been gasping and groaning at every price tag she looked at. And now, she was just glaring at a stroller that she'd passed by – not that she was planning on buying it, because Ruby was five and Alex told her that she didn't need a stroller at that age. Kara was just passing by, and she caught a glimpse of the price tag, and now she was just glaring at it, like there was a chance that the object would catch on fire and do away with it.

Lena sidled up to her and glanced at the array of strollers in front of them. "I think Ruby's a little too big for strollers," she remarked teasingly, as if she hadn't been listening to Kara complain about the exorbitant prices of these tiny and unsustainable things for little human beings.

Kara made a sound, almost inhumane, so loud that a passing mother had to cover her daughter's ears; no children should ever learn to make a sound so obscene. Not that she cared; she found herself unable to think about anything but at the strollers that could have taken a huge chunk out of any middle-class family's income.

"That thing's 400 bucks," she growled, pointing at one stroller. "I saw one that was like…800 bucks just now."

"Yes, children are expensive to maintain. You should have a look at the price rates of our pediatric wing," Lena muttered, quietly steering Kara away from the offending items by pulling on her elbow. "We're not here for strollers though."

"It's not even just the strollers."

"I haven't seen you this passionate for quite some time."

"Look at the prices of these things!" Kara exclaimed, stopping by the clothing section and pointing a random tiny sweat shirt. "$80 for something that they can't even fit in two years! Ridiculous."

"Amen to that, sister," a random woman remarked as she walked past them, as haggard looking as a mother should look.

"Hey, this is actually cute," Lena commented on the sweat shirt that Kara had been looking at. "Ruby would look great in this." When she looked up and saw Kara balking at her, she rolled her eyes and sighed. "Only the best for your niece, Danvers."

The blonde deflated at that, seeing the truth in Lena's words. They were in this shop for a reason. She sighed and remembered the pictures that Alex had been sending her since she and Sam had announced the adoption plan, and subsequently melted at the sight of Ruby, all five years old and ready to have a horde of non-blood family crooning at her like the most precious thing on earth.

"I'm just saying it's ridiculous," she grumbled while flagging down a nearby sales assistant to find out what size would best fit a five-year-old girl.

By then, a sales assistant had sidled up to them.

Kara was still unnerved by the glaring price tags all over the place, but she was also warmed up all over. Watching Lena patiently going over the list that she'd inevitably compiled the night before; nothing but the best for the new kid that would show up in their lives, albeit not theirs. Looking at the way Lena smiled and giggled at things that she found cute. Bickering over price tags and yet paying for them at the cashier anyway.

This was a reminder, a bittersweet one. Of all the good old times, when they were two young fools in love who would take joy in something as simple as a late-night Costco run because they'd run out of Ben & Jerry's. The easy laughter and giggles. The sneaky and not-so-sneaky kisses. The sex in the fitting rooms and getting kicked out of a bar because they'd gotten too frisky on the dance floor.

It would be a lie to say that she didn't still miss it. Just being in Lena's arms in bed late at night, talking about everything and nothing – that was the best; something Kara could never find with anyone else no matter how much hard she tried.

"Hey, do five-year-olds still drink formula?"

"How are you a paramedic?"

Lena and Kara walked into the shop empty-handed and came out with no less than six huge paper bags, filled with clothes and cups and snacks and safety gates, but mostly clothes. The sales assistant had been positively delighted at the amount they were purchasing, or maybe just the commission she would be getting just for the cutting the deal.

Standing outside the shop, mall patrons milling about them to do their own businesses, the blonde and the raven-haired woman hesitated. Shopping for her niece was some sort of a reprieve, and yeah, they may be friends now, but the air still hung heavy with their past and it would be impossible for them to ignore that. For Kara to ignore that.

She could see that Lena was about to walk away, and she didn't know what possessed her at the moment, because it would be better for Lena to walk away and have another try at this weird friendship thing they agreed to some other time. But she certainly didn't let Lena do that.

"Do you wanna take a walk?" she invited.

The mall was close to both the hospital and the firehouse, which meant they were also close to the park where Lena had once yelled at Kara for things in the past. In retrospect, Kara still couldn't figure out whether it was a good decision to come to a place so close after all.

Lena blinked and smiled a little. "We're carrying six bags of stuff, Kara," she said, heaving the bags up. "I don't know about you, but I do not have the biceps that you've been blessed with."

"Been looking, huh?"

"Hard to miss."

"We can put these in your car first," Kara replied quickly, as she didn't know how she can respond to Lena's easy retort. "Unless…you don't wanna take that walk with me. No pressure. I just thought…" she drifted off and refrained from sighing at her own uselessness.

Lena worried her lower lip, eyes still locked on Kara. For a moment, Kara was thrown back to the time when they'd run into each other again on the quad after the first time they'd met, and Kara had bravely asked Lena out for coffee, setting in motion a whole array of laughter and tears and heartbreak.

And then Lena nodded. Kara could hardly fight off the smile from showing up on her face, only following Lena to her car to drop off their expensive purchases.

Dog were pattering all over the park, chasing after boomerangs and sticks. Couples were strolling, old and young, loving and arguing, holding hands and distanced. Toddlers were toddling around, yelled after by their parents and giggling about like they didn't have a care in the world; well, maybe because they really didn't.

All sorts. And among them were a firefighter and a doctor. Front-liners. Noblest jobs in the world. Saving cats and saving lives. Strangers wouldn't know a lick about them by just looking at them. Strangers saw only a thoughtful look on the raven-haired woman's face and a pensive expression clouding the blonde. Strangers wouldn't have thought that their history ran years back; that there were divorce papers tucked in the back of their storage unit, willfully banished and unwanted.

Dogs and couples and toddlers and parents saw Lena and Kara, but not really Lena and Kara.

They didn't know that Kara was struggling with feelings that had never been washed away despite three years of having separated from the woman next to her. They didn't know that Lena was feeling immense guilt for having yelled and given up so easily, landing her and Kara in the awkward position they were currently in.

"Would we have gotten a dog?" Kara eventually asked after spotting a golden retriever delightfully sneezing in its owner's face.

Lena saw the golden retriever too and giggled slightly. "Honestly, you almost convinced me of it before it all fell apart," she confessed.

Kara felt a familiar ache tugging in her chest at the reminder. She offered, "Barnaby."

"Horrid name."

"Barney, in short."

"Yes, most likely."

"Maybe not a golden retriever."

"I quite like a schnauzer."

"Oh, they're cute."

"Grumpily so."

"Fifteen years?"

"I reckon longer than that."

"Would hypothetical Barney the schnauzer save our marriage?" Kara then asked.

Even then, she couldn't quite bring herself to regret her line of questioning. It was as if one tipsy conversation on Alex's fire escape had knocked down the dam and unleash the questions that had been haunting her brain for three years. When Lena paused in her steps, Kara did too, staring at her ex-wife expectantly.

Lena inhaled deeply and held it for a long moment before expelling it all in one whoosh. Then she lifted her eyes to meet Kara's soulful ones. "No, Kara, I don't think so."

The knife went deeper – the knife that had never gone away, just like her bubbling feelings. She should have known from the moment at the bus stop that she would forever be leashed to this woman in front of her, ethereal and bright and oh so compelling in her very presence. The Luthors certainly did a good job in crafting Lena; Kara briefly wondered if she'd ever thanked her former in-laws for that.

Part of her wanted to argue Lena's seemingly decisive conclusion, but her ears picked up on the fragility in Lena's tone and the unwillingness she'd overtaken to speak the words, so she didn't. She'd spent the latter part of their marriage arguing with the woman; arguing now wouldn't make much sense. It wouldn't do either of them any good.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," Lena said as they restarted the walk. "I was exhausted and you were there and I – well, it was surprising, to say the least," she added with a sardonic chuckle. "It was unfair of me."

"I'm sorry I ever made you feel like I never enjoyed these walks with you," Kara offered her own apology, softly and wholeheartedly. The evident surprise in Lena's eyes only served to hurt more. "I had never not look forward to spend time with you, but I guess I hadn't really learnt how to juggle my responsibilities, letting everything mix with everything, and that eventually affected the way you perceived me."

Lena tilted her head. "You said you stopped convincing me that you loved me. What did you mean?"

"You were – I was away from home a lot. Didn't even have time to convince you to get a dog with me," she added with a laugh. "And you thought I just didn't wanna go home to you. Or that you were suffocating me. Or worse still, you thought I was cheating on you." She shook her head at the memories of Lena hurling those accusations at her. "I kept telling you that none of those were true, because, Lena, the best moment of my day had always been coming home to you."

"But I wouldn't listen."

"Yeah, so eventually, a part of me decided to just fuck it and let you believe whatever you think of me. Well, whatever, except for the part where you thought I would cheat on you," she said firmly, clenching her fists in her pockets. "There is no way in the world I would have cheated on you, Lena. I wanted to be better for you, which was why I even decided to take a chance at being a paramedic in the first place."

"You didn't have to do that."

"Your mother didn't like me for being a flimsy firefighter when you were pretty much a neurology and a trauma surgeon already."

Lena only laughed at that, which Kara found slightly offensive. "Kara, my mother gave me a dressing down for 'divorcing a splendid wife' such as yourself. Her words, not mine."

Kara blinked and then squawked so loudly in disbelief that a few ducks scurried away from them. "No way!"

"Darling, I've told you many times that Lillian Luthor is an acquired taste."

Behind her ribs, the blonde's heart lurched at the pet name. A sudden stone rose up in her throat. She gulped it down and whispered, "I missed that, you know." Lena raised a brow, unaware still of what Kara was referring to. "You calling me that. I missed it." The brow lowered back to its original position. "I miss a lot of things."

Lena looked away abruptly and swallowed. "Kara," she enunciated carefully, shaking her head. "You can't say things like that. Not anymore."

"I know."

"I can't even remember the last time we kissed."

"Sam's birthday," Kara answered immediately. "You were standing out on the balcony at their old place, because you needed some air. I joined you. You were drinking…orange juice. I told you I drive us back home, but you didn't trust me driving, so you started diluting all the alcohol with orange juice after your second glass of wine. And we kissed. It was a full moon. That was the last time we kissed."

This time, Lena was the one staring at her. Well, more like gaping. Meanwhile, Kara was the one who didn't dare look at her, choosing to concentrate on her sneakers instead.

The courage that came with that tipsy fire escape conversation only went so far. Despite their current friendship that was still in an odd place, there were still some things she would like to keep to herself.

Like how she could remember their first kiss, first date, first time saying the four-letter word, first fight, first everything. Like how she kept thinking about their last kiss, last laugh, last walk, last kiss, last everything, to nitpick the moment either of them decided they'd had enough. Kara could never confess to the fact that she had never stopped thinking about these things. About Lena.

"Do you and Lena Luthor have a secret kid or something?" Winn asked after they'd spent thirty minutes in the gym, where he'd looked as if he was constipated for almost as long as they'd been in there.

Water literally spurted out of Kara's nose. The bottle she was holding had dropped dramatically on the floor, spilling its contents all over the place. She swallowed the remaining water and started coughing hysterically, gaping at him the whole time.

Unfortunately for them – or maybe just her – Nia, Barry, and James were passing by the room. They skidded to a halt immediately, two of them gaping between Kara and Winn while one was just decidedly alarmed and wary at Winn's unwarranted query.

"What?" Kara gasped, having taken a seat on the yoga ball and still patting her chest.

"I saw you. At the mall. With the doctor," Winn stuttered, looking like he immensely regretted the way he'd blurted the question.

"Winn, you don't just ask a question like that!" James admonished, pushing past Nia and Barry to smack Winn on the arm. Not really lightly, considering the arms he'd built. He turned to Kara still, slightly bemused despite it all. "What were you doing at the mall with Lena anyway?"

"Lena?" Nia muttered.

"Ask Sam," Kara offered James, electing to ignore Nia's observation. James' brows rose, comprehending the secrecy of the situation. She turned towards Winn, wry smile on her lips. "No, Winn, I do not have a secret kid with Lena."

"Still with the Lena," Barry observed, tilting his head as he squinted at them. "Are we missing something?"

Kara shook her head as she chuckled lightly, pulling on James' arm to tug him out of the gym with her. "None of your business," she threw over her shoulder.

It was only until they'd rounded the corner, on the way to the locker room, that James burst into raucous guffaws. Just heaving, almost wheezing with it. So much so that he had to lean against the wall and keel over, propping his hands on his knees to keep himself standing.

The blonde rolled her eyes but couldn't help grinning herself. She joined him at the wall and shooed away anyone who even showed a sign of curiosity at the two of them. She wouldn't lie and say that Winn's outburst hadn't been hilarious, but it also served as a sore reminder that she and Lena had never really gotten to that point in their marriage.

"We were buying things for Ruby," she explained once he'd sobered up. "I spent most of it gawking at the prices of kids' stuff," she added, still finding it hard to believe.

"So you guys are…okay now?"

Kara shrugged. She and Lena had parted ways with smiles on their faces and words of seeing one another again – given their jobs, they would be seeing a lot of each other. But she'd gone home and thought about their conversation, and it invoked emotions all over again, spilling out the corners of her eyes and into a tub of Ben & Jerry's.

"Okay is an overstatement. We're working on it."

"Well, you're shopping together. I'd say that's something."

"She didn't remember the last time we kissed."

James stiffened a little next to her. He watched her for a bit, studying her expression and attempting to find words that wouldn't stick that knife deeper. "I think a lot of the memories in the latter part of your marriage overshadowed a lot of the other stuff for her, but I'm sure it doesn't mean she loved you any less," he said carefully, picking his words from a limited vocabulary suitable for a divorced friend.

She hummed, arms crossed.

"Secret kid, though," James echoed, grinning again.

She chuckled and shook her head. "We didn't even manage to get a dog, goodness."

Just then, Sam hurried around the corner, almost colliding into a coat rack as she came to a sudden stop in front of them. Her face was stricken with fear and concern, and she looked at Kara, her phone tightly gripped in her hand.

"It's Lena."

Kara pushed off the wall in an instance. "What? What about Lena?"

"Her father's had a heart attack."

oof, i just can't help it with the drama