Disclaimer Number 48: I don't own any GI Joe characters. Disclaimer Number 47: I don't even own this idea or this title! I was watching a certain VH1 program and well…You know me, monkey see monkey do. So let's find out what really happens on…
Cobra Commander's Day Off
"MEN WILL SUFFER FOR THIS!" Cobra Commander's scream could be heard all the way down the hallway into the war room where three bored individuals waited for a long overdue meeting.
"What do you think he's complaining about this time?" The Baroness asked in a bored tone, not even bothering to look up from the Vogue magazine she was reading.
"Who knows?" Destro put down his pen and stopped working on his crossword puzzle. "You know how he gets worked up over the most infantile things."
"Let's narrow it down," Mindbender sighed as he worked on a Rubik's Cube. "It can't have anything to do with GI Joe because we haven't attacked them in over a month."
"Personnel problem?" The Baroness asked. "Or technical problem?"
"No, things have been running quite smoothly since Cobra Commander fired that last technician two months ago," Destro said.
"He only fired him?" Mindbender asked. "That doesn't sound like Cobra Commander."
"Let me rephrase that," Destro explained. "Cobra Commander fired him into an active volcano using a nuclear fusion cannon."
"That sounds like Cobra Commander," Mindbender agreed. "So what do you think it could be?"
"MEN WILL SUFFER FOR THIS!" Cobra Commander screeched as he stormed into the room. "AND NOT JUST MEN! WOMEN TOO! YES, MEN, WOMEN, CHILDREN, GAY AND LESBIAN HANDICAPPED DOGS! EVERYBODY! I AM NOT A MINORITY OPRESSOR! I AM AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY OPRESSOR! NO MATTER WHO OR WHAT YOU ARE I WILL OPRESS YOU! TO IMPLY ANYTHING ELSE IS SLANDER! SLANDER!"
"Let me take a wild guess," Destro sighed. "Someone called you a name you didn't like?"
"You know for the leader of a terrorist organization you have quite a thin skin," The Baroness gave him a look.
"Shut it Baroness!" Cobra Commander snarled. "You'd be ticked off too if VH1 had you on their hit list!"
"VH1?" Mindbender asked.
"There I am, doing a little channel surfing trying to clear my head after another day of not coming up with a new plan to conquer the world," Cobra Commander ranted. "When I see this show called I Love Toys and I start watching it! And it's a good thing I did! I had no idea that garbage like this was going on behind my back!"
"I Love Toys?" Mindbender blinked.
"I take it you weren't upset because of the lack of quality on today's television shows?" The Baroness asked. "Of course that would not be the case if those bozos did not cancel Arrested Development."
"I Love…Toys?" Destro gave him a look. "Toys? You did say toys am I right?"
"Yes…" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Toys?" Destro asked. "Why…?"
"I was bored and the news was too depressing all right? Sue me! Anyway they had this segment called Cobra Commander's Day Off!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Like they would actually know what I do on my day off! They had this actor…I suspect it's Michael Ian Black…wearing a bad costume…Or maybe it was Gilbert Gottfried? Showing me cheating at chess! Can you believe the gall of those people?"
"But you do cheat at chess," The Baroness told him.
"And Monopoly," Mindbender added.
"And Risk," Destro continued.
"And cards," The Baroness went on. "Video games, checkers, Battleship, Sorry, Pente and crossword puzzles."
"Life and Operation…" Mindbender thought.
"Operation? How do you cheat at that?" The Baroness asked.
"He takes the batteries out of the game before he starts," Mindbender explained.
"There was also that incident with that Chutes and Ladders game with the Dreadnoks a few years ago," Destro remembered.
"Oh yes I'd forgotten about that," Mindbender nodded.
"How could you forget that?" Destro asked. "We spent three months fixing the bullet holes in the walls. And it took just as long to rebuild the chemistry laboratory."
"Yes, but he was also in the infirmary with that head injury," The Baroness reminded him.
"That's right! I accidentally got hit with that wrench Cobra Commander was aiming at Buzzer!" Mindbender agreed. "Oh, I've just remembered he also cheats at Clue!"
"That's right," Baroness nodded.
"He does," Destro said. "Not to mention…"
"ALL RIGHT I GET THE MESSAGE HERE!" Cobra Commander snapped. "The point is it was impertinent of them to make fun of me in that manner!"
"What manner would you prefer them to make fun of you?" Mindbender blinked.
"Let me guess, sometimes you still have those blackouts from the wrench incident?" Cobra Commander asked. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RELIVE THE EVENT BECAUSE THAT CAN BE ARRANGED?"
"Cobra Commander can we get back on track for a moment please?" Destro sighed. He was not in any mood to write out any accident reports that day. "Are you telling us that you are upset at your depiction by a low ranked cable show?"
"It is not a low ranked cable show," Cobra Commander snapped. "They are very popular! VH1 cranks out about a dozen of those shows a year! Of course they're all out of decades that most people were alive in so…The point is that they dare to mock me! ME! How could they even think of humiliating me in such a way? They made me look like a fool!"
"Not exactly that hard a task," Destro muttered underneath his breath.
"What did you say Destro?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Care to share your thoughts with the rest of us? Or maybe you would like a chat with Mr. Nuclear Fusion Cannon, our new Head of Personnel?"
"I said what horrors did they do to you dare I ask?" Destro covered.
"That's what I thought you said," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "They depicted me playing juvenile pranks such as using a whoopee cushion at the DMV…Popping balloons, ripping off tourists, stealing toilet paper…Okay maybe I did that last one a couple of times but still it's the principle of the thing!"
"Just out of morbid curiosity," Destro sighed. "What exactly do you do on your days off? Matter of fact have you ever taken a day off?"
"Destro I am the leader of one of the most powerful terrorist organizations in the world," Cobra Commander gave him a look. "You don't get to be number one by taking a day off to go golfing!"
"We're number one?" Mindbender asked. "Since when? We haven't been number one since 9-11."
"Longer than that," The Baroness corrected him. "The last time we were number one on the World's Most Feared and Wanted Terrorists List George Bush Senior was still gunning for Regan's job."
"All right perhaps we're not exactly number one…" Cobra Commander told them.
"Well what exactly are we?" Mindbender interrupted.
"That's not important right now," Cobra Commander waved.
"You don't know do you?" Mindbender asked.
"Yes I do know," Cobra Commander said in an annoyed voice. "Now to get back to what I was saying…"
"Then why don't you tell us?" Mindbender asked. "I mean I think we all have a right to know our ranking in the great scheme of things."
"That's really not important right now," Cobra Commander snapped. "The point I am trying to make…"
"One hundred and fifty seven," Destro spoke out.
"What?" Cobra Commander looked at him.
"Our official ranking is 157," Destro told him.
"Really?" Cobra Commander asked. "That low? I thought we were only at 49?"
"We were until the said 9-11 Attack," Destro pointed out. "Well that and the fact that we haven't really been in the news much for the past five years!"
"Gee I wonder why?" The Baroness glared at Cobra Commander
"As I have been trying to explain to you people I have had terrorist's block for a while!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I don't know what it is! I just can't come up with any decent ideas! And any ideas I do come up with are just knock offs of old ideas! I mean steal nuclear weapons and bomb this country. Steal nuclear weapons and bomb that country. Steal nuclear weapons and bomb the Gulf Coast but of course we all know Hurricane Katrina beat us to the punch on that one!"
"I remember that," Destro said. "And then we got all those letters asking us if we could bomb FEMA."
"Don't think I didn't consider doing that," Cobra Commander told him. "Just for some free publicity…Then I realized that the point of a terrorist organization was to make people generally unhappy. I even considered some kind of great theft like an art heist or some gold reserves. Then I remembered the Dreadnoks' Beanie Baby and baseball card collections were taking up most of our extra storage space…"
"You must admit since we've been giving them bonuses in comic books, their expenses have become a lot cheaper," The Baroness pointed out.
"Perhaps you're right," Cobra Commander sighed as he sat down. "I have been working too hard lately with nothing to show for it. Maybe a day off isn't such a bad idea. You know just to relax the brain cells and get the creative juices flowing."
"That is a good idea," Destro nodded, secretly pleased for any chance to be away from Cobra Commander. "Well enjoy your day off. If anyone needs me I'll be on the golf course." He got up to leave.
"Golf? Excellent idea Destro! We shall go golfing!" Cobra Commander snapped his fingers.
"We Cobra Commander?" Destro asked.
"Yes," Cobra Commander told him. "We shall go golfing."
"We as in plural?" Destro asked. "As in the two of us?"
"Well actually I was thinking the four of us…" Cobra Commander began.
"Oh snap! I just forgot something!" Dr. Mindbender stood up quickly. "I have lab specimens that have been irradiating in nuclear solution for days!"
"I have a lot of work to do to!" The Baroness shot up like a rocket. "I have filing to do! Lots and lots of filing!"
"Then I have to supervise the decontamination procedures and I know that is going to take all day," Mindbender went on.
"I also have to call about my car insurance and why my premiums are so high," The Baroness said quickly walking out the door. "There's laundry to do…"
"Oh don't even get me started about laundry!" Dr. Mindbender followed her. "I have stains on my lab coats so old I think they are evolving into a new life form!"
"Too much to do! Can't golf!" The Baroness practically ran out the door. "Maybe some other time! Have my people call your people, we'll do lunch! Ciao!"
"Busy, busy, busy!" Mindbender said at the exact same time as he followed her. "Work! Work! Work! Gotta go to work!"
"Ah well who needs those two anyway?" Cobra Commander stood up. "A couple of guys like us can get along fine without them! Right Destro?"
"Oh…Goody…" Destro resigned himself to an afternoon in Hell. "Fine…let me get my clubs and we'll go."
"Clubs?" Cobra Commander asked. "Oh right those stick things you use to hit the ball."
"You do know how to play don't you Cobra Commander?" Destro asked.
"Of course I know how to play," Cobra Commander pretended to be offended. "Everyone knows how to play golf. I mean you have to be a total moron to know how to play golf right? But uh just in case could you tell me the basic premise of the game, just so I know you know. You know?"
"Hit the ball into the hole with the fewest amount of strokes," Destro said in a deadpan voice.
"Hit the ball into the what with the fewest amount of what?" Cobra Commander blinked.
"I'll get the rule book…"Destro sighed.
"Well I'm sure you can just explain it to me as we go along," Cobra Commander said. "People play golf to relax all the time right? How hard could it be?"
Four hours later…
"THIS IS THE STUPIDEST GAME I HAVE EVER PLAYED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" Cobra Commander screamed as he repeatedly whacked his club against a tree.
"Commander please…" Destro moaned as he tried to hide his head in his face. "I know people here…"
"STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!" Cobra Commander continued his assault. He stopped to take a breath and threw away the club. "Destro, hand me the nine iron!"
"Commander your temper…" Destro warned.
"Oh get off it Destro," Cobra Commander snapped. "You can't tell me you've never seen anyone lose his temper over a game of golf before?"
"No, but then again I've never seen anyone set fire to a caddy," Destro sighed.
"He was lagging behind!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And I didn't set his entire body on fire! Just his feet! And only to make a point!"
"You certainly made one," Destro said. "He ran very fast after that…"
"Well who needs one anyway! Why tip someone for a job you can do yourself? This golf bag isn't that heavy!"
"Of course it helps that you've already destroyed half the clubs in it," Destro pointed out. "Rented clubs. Rented clubs from a club where I am a member."
"This is a private club that specifically caters to mobsters, arms dealers and other members of the criminal element," Cobra Commander said. "You seriously expect me to believe there's never been an incident or two here? What about that nut we saw on the third hole driving around on the golf cart? He was drunk as a skunk!"
"He was also the club's owner," Destro sighed. "So a little leeway can be expected…"
"A little leeway? He was firing a BB Gun at the gardeners!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Well they've been slacking off a bit lately and he hardly ever hits them," Destro waved. "The point is even he doesn't use real weapons! Which is against policy on this course!"
"Oh," Cobra Commander said. "So I guess me using that bazooka on the second hole in order to make it bigger…"
"Is frowned upon, yes," Destro was getting a real headache now.
"So I shouldn't use it again?"
"No, I wouldn't recommend it."
"Fine," Cobra Commander sighed as he took another club and prepared to hit the ball again where it lay in the rough. He swung and hit it but it only landed a few feet. "WHAT? THAT IS A DO OVER! DO OVER!"
Cobra Commander tried again and it was still an unsuccessful effort. "NO! NO! NO!" He screamed trying to whack the ball with the club. "YOU STUPID…DIE! DIE! DIE!"
"And to think…" Destro sighed. "This is only the fifth hole…"
"This is ridiculous!" Cobra Commander threw his bent club away. "Who in their right mind actual enjoys playing this game?"
"You haven't watched the news in a while have you?" Destro sighed. "Most of the world's most powerful people do. In fact not just men of power but over a quarter million people in the United States alone play golf and spend millions of dollars on it. It's become quite an obsession for some people."
"Let me get this straight…" Cobra Commander looked at him. "Many of the world's most powerful leaders and businessmen…People in control of weapons of mass destruction and entire economies pay millions of dollars just to play this stupid game…Are obsessed by it…AND I STILL CAN'T TAKE OVER THE WORLD?"
"That's the long and short of it," Destro said.
"Well they can have it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I mean this game is stupid! Imagine spending millions of dollars just to chase a stupid white ball around a park only to stuff it in a hole with a club! Clubs should be used for beating people, not balls! I'd have more fun bombing a golf club than playing this game! In fact I would probably bomb all the golf clubs in the world! That's right blow them all sky high! Just when…presidents and businessmen are playing….Hmmm…."
"Is your silent pause an indication that your creative juices are once again flowing?" Destro asked.
"You have to admit Destro, it is a veritable weakness that begs to be exploited," Cobra Commander said.
"My thoughts exactly!"
"What the…?" Cobra Commander gasped as some GI Joes appeared out the brush, many of them wearing camouflage outfits. "OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
"We got a tip from the FBI that you might be here," Flint grinned. "They weren't sure you were here until you set off that explosion a few holes ago. They've been running surveillance on this place and it's clientele for months."
"Figures," Cobra Commander grumbled. "This is the last time I let you suggest what we do on our day off!"
"If it will make you feel any better Commander your options will be a bit limited from now on," Flint said. "There's a nice jail cell with your names on it."
"I think not…" Cobra Commander took out a small ball from his pocket. "Good thing I remembered my lucky ball!" He threw it down and a huge cloud of smoke covered them. "RUN FOR IT!"
"SECURITY!" Destro yelled as he fired his wrist rocket launchers. "WHERE'S SECURITY WHEN YOU REALLY NEED THEM?"
"They're fighting off the FBI!" Cobra Commander snapped as he took out his pistol and fired as they ran. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT DESTRO!"
"ME? YOU WANTED TO GO GOLFING!" Destro snapped. "I CAN'T TAKE YOU ANYWHERE WITHOUT YOU CAUSING TROUBLE!"
"I AM NOT THE ONE WHO BROUGHT US TO AN AMBUSH!"
"WELL I'M NOT THE ONE WHO TIPPED OFF THE AUTHORITES BY USING LIVE AMMO ON THE COURSE!"
"JUST SHUT UP AND RUN!" Cobra Commander ran.
Twenty minutes later…
"I just knew this day would end up in the toilet," Destro sighed. He and Cobra Commander were hiding out in the Men's bathroom. There were sounds of firefighting outside.
"Oh be quiet Destro," Cobra Commander came out of a stall holding several rolls of toilet paper. "And grab a roll or two! At least today won't be a total loss!"
"All right now I have to see this VH1 show…" Destro moaned.