i would like to pre-empt y'all by saying that i am not a westallen shipper - i think iris and barry bring out the worst in each other. okay that's all.

now, read, ponder, enjoy!

"I hate you."

Kara blinked and watched as Alex rounded the table to sit in front of her, plonking of a cup of steaming hot coffee ungraciously on the surface. She blinked again once she noticed the impressive glower the redhead had on her face, almost as if she wished she could kill Kara by glaring at her alone.

"Of course, sometimes, I don't deny that I can be pretty hate-able," she offered. Then she leaned in, eyes narrowed. "For what exactly?" she asked a little conspiratorially.

"I had to hear from my wife that you slept with Lena," Alex said with a pout. "You're a horrible sister."

Kara froze in her seat, probably bewitching the baby near her, judging by how he kind of froze as well, only blinking rapidly at the strange blonde lady in front of him – not that she cared at the moment. She sucked in a breath and recalled her last encounter with the aforementioned doctor, sitting the park and pretending nothing happened.

"Technically, there was no sleeping."

"Apparently, that's what she told Sam as well."

Well, she really couldn't be blamed for the actual speechlessness that she descended into. After all, she wasn't under the impression that Lena was willing to remember one bit about it, let alone talk about it to anyone.

Not after that heartbreaking non-conversation they had in the park. It was that conversation that had kept Kara awake all night, failing to come up with ways to woo Lena again without mentioning that specific romp in the forest. She had stayed awake, wondering what she'd done wrong for Lena to be so avoiding about it all.

"I didn't think she'd want anyone to know about it," Kara admitted, slouching in her chair, and went on to recount what had happened at the park. "She was obviously pretending it all didn't happen, so I just went with it."

"She didn't get the memo."

"Then why didn't she want to talk to me about it?"

"You know her better than anyone."

She leaned back in her chair and flashed the baby a sad smile before turning back to her sister.

Did she really know Lena better than anyone? Five years had gone by, things had changed, and those things included them. One was an accomplished doctor and the other was no longer a trainee firefighter.

Even when the two of them had been married, Kara would sometimes come home and find herself in awe of a new angle of Lena that she had never seen before, be it a grumpy Lena, a tired Lena, a Lena learning to cook so Kara would no longer come back to takeovers only.

It always seemed like Lena was a constant shifting façade, and it was one of the reasons Kara had been so in love with her. The raven-haired woman was a refreshing experience every day, and truthfully, even presently, she craved to learn more.

"I want her back," she confessed to the second person who would know of this, the other still recuperating in Metropolis, not brave enough to meet her sister's gaze.

Despite the calls of orders, the conversations around them, some argument a few tables away, it seemed like Kara could still hear a pin drop with her sister's silence towards her confession. The blonde played with handle of her cup of hot chocolate, uncertain of what the silence for once.

She wouldn't be surprised if Alex was judging her. Kara had made a lot of good decisions because Alex was judging her. Except…she wasn't sure what kind of decision she would make if Alex was truly judging her for this – maybe she would, for once, ignore her sister's judgement and go forth with her pursuit of Lena again. Come hell or high water.

Gosh, she couldn't remember a time she had wanted a person this badly. Loved a person so much that it hinged on obsession.

"Well, it's about time." Kara snapped her head up, startled at her sister's nonchalant response. Alex only shrugged. "Kara, you have always been wanting Lena. I feel like you've been yearning for her even before you met."

"That bad?"

"No, Kara," Alex whispered, leaning her elbows on the table. "You just never fell out of love."

"What do I do?"

"You know I can't answer that," Alex sighed and patted Kara's arm comfortingly. "You'll figure it out."

Kara hated that answer, but she also knew that was the only answer she should expect. She sipped on her hot chocolate.

"Can I tell about it?"

"Absolutely not."

"She was just…really good."

"I swear to god, Kara."

"I don't know if Sam does it, but there's this thing Lena does that's like phenomenal."

"Kara."

Alex may not have given her much of an answer. She may not be very enthusiastic to let Kara talk about that mind blowing experience that had reminded Kara of why her and Lena's relationship had never suffered from intimacy issues.

Regardless of all that, Kara still felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

Telling Lionel Luthor was one thing – he was largely detached from her personal life, except for that one major part where the person she really wanted to wake up with was his daughter. But telling Alex was something else all together. Her sister was her confidante, and it was just wrong to not tell her about this. Plus, it was always a comfort to know that no matter what, Alex would always be there to listen.

To be perfectly honest, Kara didn't know where to go beyond admitting that her heart had never let go of Lena. She had spent the last three years suppressing the irrepressible feelings, convincing herself, rather successfully at that, that she had moved on.

Yeah, sure, she had moved on, which was why she hadn't so much as glanced at a man or woman for the past five years. Well, not a single person who had anything other than raven black locks and sharp cheekbones. And then she would see the stranger's eyes and realized they weren't Lena, because only Lena had those sharp green eyes.

And then three years later, Kara Danvers made the impulsive move to visit her former in-laws and confessed that she was still in love with her ex-wife to her ex-wife's father.

It was almost as if her life was bad soap opera, and she had no way of rewriting anything.

Things had happened and she was here and she had no idea what to do beyond that. Even two days ago, when she had tracked down Lena at the park, she hadn't exactly been sure of what she wanted to say or do. Unfortunately, Lena had made that decision for her by being unusually elusive.

The last time she had been so lacking of direction was when her parents had passed away and she'd been told that the kind Danvers would be taking care of her moving forward. Kara had been struggling of whether she wanted to run away and go with child services.

This time around, she didn't have options. Or rather, she didn't know what options she had.

Before she knew it, she was 24 hours into the shift, which meant she had 12 hours to go. And Kara was…bored. Not that she would say it out loud; she wouldn't wanna curse the whole station to such madness – call her superstitious or whatever, these things were real.

Kara had done her daily workout earlier. She had gone through some drills with Nia, and even given her some boy advice with regards to a dude named Brainy at another station, as if she was such an expert on romance. She had made dinner and some supper for the team and ribbed Barry about his crush on his fellow paramedic. Hell, she even managed to get some paperwork done with Sam.

Now, she was just bored. She could just head over to the sleeping quarters and grab a few hours of precious sleep before some drunkard would eventually drive into a tree. But her head was too busy and there was too much keeping her thinking for her to actually fall asleep.

"You alright?"

She looked up from her shoes to find Barry studying from the stairs that would lead to the conference room and Sam's office. Naturally, she nodded.

"Sure, why wouldn't I be?"

"You're gonna burn a hole through the floor if you keep pacing like that."

She looked back down to her shoes, realizing that she had been pacing in circles for the last – well, she didn't know how long, actually. What time was it, even? She glanced at the clock mounted on the wall and blinked, realizing that rather than 24 hours, she was 26 hours into her shift.

"I'm fine," she repeated, scratching at her brow and proceeding to sit behind the reception desk. "Totally fine."

"Yeah, I'm convinced."

"I'm not trying to convince you. I'm trying to convince myself."

"That's just sad."

"None of your business."

"Touchy."

He descended the stairs, an amused smirk across his face, and approached the desk, his hands shoved into the pockets of his pants. She sighed and slouched completely in the chair, like a panda bear that had no regard for etiquette or politeness as long as it was comfortable.

He lifted a hand to rest his chin in his palm, tilting his head a little. "Come on. Tell Uncle Barry what's wrong."

She and Barry hadn't known each other for long, especially not in comparison with people like Sam and Lily and James. They'd only met when Barry had joined Station 15 five months after she had, but for some inexplicable, she managed to hit it off with him. Impromptu karaoke, workout sessions, or even just hanging out in the sleeping quarters playing some stupid co-op game on their phones.

Of course, she had never talked to him about her love life before. Mostly because she didn't have one. Most of the time, she was listening to him pining after Caitlin or mooning after the latest short-term girlfriend he met, but mostly it was about Caitlin.

"What do you think about Lena?" she asked.

His smile dimmed a little, probably because he was a little confused by her odd question. "Well, I've only met her once…" he drifted off, narrowing his eyes at her a little. "She seems intense. Good at what she does, given that even Caitlin and I have heard about her since paramedic training, but intense."

She hummed a little in agreement. "She does tend to give off that impression," Kara offered. "Wasn't always like that though."

"Is she the reason you never dated the whole time I've known you?"

"Is Caitlin the reason you never have long-term relationships?"

He gasped and placed a hand on his chest in mock offense. "Hey, this is about you, not me."

She giggled and threw a red stress ball at him, which he smacked back towards her easily. "You've gotten divorced before, right?"

His grin dimmed, but only slightly. He gestured at the ball in her hands, which she tossed back to him, and he just started to massage it. "Yeah, a couple of years ago." She hummed. "Unlike you, I still talk to her though."

"Hey, I talk to my ex-wife!" she protested.

"Yeah, after three years of not talking." Well, she had to give him that. "Then again, I'm not still in love with Iris."

Normally, Kara would deny it vehemently. Wildly. Like swinging her arms around and stuttering kind of denying. A clumsy denial, sure, but that was her brand – it was a wonder she was still surviving as a firefighter. But given that she'd admitted it to two people already, there really was no point denying it to her best friend in the station.

"So asking you for advice would be useless?" she asked.

"I think it's special," Barry said, shrugging. "You and Dr. Luthor," he added. "I mean, I don't know her, but I saw the way you sprinted out that day when you learned that her father had a heart attack. Not a lot of people still care like that."

"She is special."

"I would say go after her, but that would make me kind of a hypocrite, right?"

She laughed and easily fetched the ball that he tossed at her. "Let's just agree that we're both useless," she said, tossing the ball back at him.

"But remember that consent is important."

"I taught you that."

Before they knew it, Kara and Barry were just tossing a stress ball back and forth without any motive whatsoever. The only illumination they had was the orange streetlights outside, because Sam had suddenly instilled a policy of conserving energy out of nowhere.

No matter, because this was kind of nice, just tossing a ball back and forth. Focused on nothing but the ball. To make sure she didn't miss the ball or toss the ball in the wrong direction. Eye on the ball. Eye on the goal. Eye on the woman who would complete her again.

She didn't know who, but someone must have said it. With only four hours left of their shift, someone had, in the middle of a peaceful Station 15, complained about the day being too quiet or something. Otherwise, Kara and her team wouldn't be coming in and out of the station like a busy subway station, handling all kinds of cases in the middle of the night.

No one would admit it; they probably knew that they'd be pummeled for it.

By the time that dawn finally broke, Kara was truly broken. Even Sam, who used to drive the truck, had relegated the job to Winn, choosing to sit in the back. Just fifteen minutes more, and their shift would be over and they could all go home to sleep the horrible night off.

All the firefighters were pretty much running on fumes as they descended the vehicles and cleaned up after themselves. Kara and Sam handled the inventory pretty quickly, planning to grab a cup of coffee before heading home, only to stop short when they saw the intruder in the reception area.

"Long night?" Lena asked, a shy smile stretching her lips.

Kara and Sam looked at one another for a beat and turned back to the doctor, nodding with simultaneous groans. Lena chuckled, but didn't say anything else. In fact, she seemed uncertain as she stood in unfamiliar territory. She had never been here before, Kara recalled.

For some reason, Sam seemed to understand something that neither Kara nor Lena did, choosing to squeeze Kara's shoulder before saying, "Well, I'm beat. Gonna go home to my wife and see my daughter. Why don't you take Lena on a tour? Show her around."

Kara could hardly protest as Sam moved to give Lena a brief hug, mutter something into her ear, and walk up the stairs to her office, leaving the two of them alone.

In the next few moments, the blonde couldn't help but notice the way the doctor eyed her from head to toe, subtly gulping at the sight. Well, then, new information, Kara would have to clock that forever.

She cleared her throat and approached the woman, saying, "Sorry, I'm a bit of a mess." Though she clearly knew that Lena didn't see her that way.

"It's okay," Lena quickly said, shaking her head. "You look – you look good."

Kara quirked her brows. "You've seen me in uniform quite a lot of times. It was one of the things you yelled at me about when we got divorced."

Lena cleared her throat and laughed nervously. "Right, I think I was too clouded by resentment to appreciate…how good you look," she stammered.

There was no denying. Even with the exhaustion crawling through her bones and the lethargy slithering in her brain, the electricity was unmistakable. A sort of current that Kara had long thought to be gone and irretrievable ever again.

She stood before a blushing Lena, appreciating the red of her lips and the green of her eyes. And she wanted. She wanted. She wanted. Instead of taking what she wanted though, she forced her hands into her pockets and willfully paid no mind to the heat in her veins, like the devil over her shoulder to be impulsive for all the wrong reasons.

Fortunately for her – or maybe even a little unfortunately, if she were to listen to the devil over her shoulder – the door behind her swung open, and in walked the rest of the crew. They were all groaning and muttering complaints, cursing whoever it was that had cursed them for the last few hours of madness.

She had to refrain from rolling her eyes when Lucy, James, and Barry gave her knowing looks, but was relieved when James and Lucy didn't hesitate to hug Lena, greeting her like the old friends they were. Kara went on to introduce them to each other, blatantly ignoring the way they were giving the two of them weird looks as they went their own way.

"Let me show you around."

"Oh no, I don't wanna – you seem exhausted."

"I am," Kara easily admitted, gently tugging on Lena's elbow for her to follow. "But I've seen the place you work at. Only fair for you to have a look at my house."

She smiled wider when Lena chuckled. For the next twenty minutes, she did as she intended, showing Lena around the station that they didn't usually open up to anyone. However, Sam had pretty much given her blessing, so to hell with it.

It felt nice. To just walk around the building she would consider her second home with the woman she still cared so much about. To show her the other place where she could be herself without shame and allow her to perform a duty that was truly honorable. It made her feel oddly proud, seeing the way Lena appeared to truly appreciate the structure.

After all, previously, they'd spent too long resenting each other to appreciate their work. This felt like a fresh start.

They stopped at the sliding pole and looked down, where it was still quiet, before those from the B shift would come in to take over. She wrapped her palm around the cylindrical object and wiggled her brows at her ex-wife.

"Wanna have a try?"

"Kara, you know I'm scared of heights."

The blonde scoffed and wrapped a leg around the pole. "Please, it's not that high," she said dismissively, but then went reassuring. "I'll catch you. I promise."

Lena raised her brows. "You made that promise on our wedding day."

Inevitably, just as she did with any thought or mention of their previous relationship, her heart soured slightly at the recollection. She made so many promises, and she hadn't even realized that she'd broken them all the day Lena asked for a divorce. Or perhaps she broke them all the moment she agreed to the divorce.

"Help me keep it then," Kara said quietly.

At that, Lena froze, and the words took on entirely new meaning. Then again, Kara didn't really mean it to be as simple as catching Lena at the bottom of the pole anyway.

She'd been thinking about this since she got into the car and drove away from Luthor manor. Remembering things that she'd long suppressed, like the proposal and their wedding day and their vows. Her vows, to be specific.

Three years ago, Lena had been desperate for Kara to catch her, and Kara had been too blind by her own rage to see it. She'd broken that, and subsequently, all of them as their relationship deteriorated. She would never claim to have been the best wife, but she hadn't tried in the last days of their marriage.

"Kara, please," Lena pleaded, taking a small step away from her and the pole.

"What are you so afraid of?"

However, even after three years, Kara had never forgotten the vows she'd broken. She could still recite them, word by word. How could she not, when she'd spent a whole night writing them, thinking that she would mean every single syllable? She didn't keep them then, but she was older and wiser now – she would very much like to keep them now.

"Do we have to go over it all again?" Lena scoffed, gazing at Kara with incredulity, as if the blonde was being absolute preposterous for even suggesting it.

Kara removed herself from the pole and shoved her hands into her pockets again, giving Lena the space that she so obviously needed. "Can we at least talk about that day?" Lena clenched her jaw. "You can't tell me it didn't mean anything."

"Why not?"

Kara's jaw dropped slightly. "It can't – wow, really?" she snapped.

"There's a reason we're divorced."

"We're so far past that."

"Maybe to you, sure," Lena barked.

"Didn't we have, like, angry conversations about this already?"

"That doesn't mean we can just sweep it under the rug!"

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means looking at you still hurts, Kara!"

Kara did a doubletake at the accusation. No, not an accusation, a disclosure. She placed a hand on the railing as a mean to steady herself.

"I thought we're…friends," she muttered.

Lena brushed a hand over her face and groaned aloud. "I would like us to be," she replied, softer this time. "I thought I could be your friend…after so long. And it felt good, you know, when we were texting and talking and shopping for Ruby's stuff," she admitted with a sad smile and a shrug. "But then you came to the manor and my dad thought we were still married and it's all just so fucked up."

"Why?"

"Because what is all this, Kara?" Lena asked, raising her brows in askance. "I look at you, Kara, and I think of all the arguments we've had. All the things we've said of each other. Horrible things. All the times we've broken each other's hearts." She sighed and tugged at her ponytail. "I barely scraped it all back together when you left three years ago. I almost failed to pull myself together and rebuild my life after our divorce," she said, weak and exhausted. "You are – were – the best…and worst thing to have ever happened to me."

If it wasn't the banister, Kara was certain she would have toppled over, and still, the pain of the fall wouldn't overpower the pain from those words that hit at Kara like cannons. She could only tighten her grip over the banister.

"I think that's what love is," she whispered, but loud enough for the doctor to hear. Lena frowned, eyes wide still, surprised at Kara's choice of word. Kara nodded and gulped. "We were too young, then, I think. We couldn't…wrap our heads around the magnitude of our feelings for each other, and it got to us sooner than we could beat it." She pushed away from the banister and took a few steps closer to Lena. "But we're older now. We can – we've been through so much. Isn't that what growing up is? We learn and we adapt."

"It's not as simple as that."

"I'm not saying it is," Kara argued, gingerly reaching out and clasping onto Lena's forearm when the other woman showed no sign of resistance. "What exactly did you come here for, Lena?"

Lena clenched her jaw and shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know," she replied, her voice softening from the earlier vitriol that it carried. "I finished work and I found myself driving here. Before I knew it, I walked in the door. Could have walked out, but I didn't."

Kara licked her lips, attempting to find the words that would not only reassure Lena, but also reaffirm her of her conviction to this. She squeezed Lena's forearm, prompting her to meet her eyes. That was the only thing she knew how to do in the years they'd been together.

Everyone had always told Kara that her eyes always betrayed her. Well, this time, perhaps they were the only things that could help her.

"I know there were bad times. Trust me, I was there," she added with a scoff, a little glad to find Lena amused at the reminder as well. "But there were good times too. For most of it, we were the happiest anyone could have been."

"That didn't last long, did it?"

"Like I said, we were young and immature back then."

"Are you saying you regret proposing to me?"

Kara rolled her eyes, finding herself slightly annoyed at Lena's habit to nitpick everything anyone ever said. "Stop turning this against me," she grumbled. "If there's anything I regret, it's that I love you so much but I couldn't pull myself together to keep you. Like I promised in my wedding vows." She stepped closer, placing her free hand on Lena's other forearm. "Lena, I can't forget that day in the forest never happened. I certainly can't pretend that it meant nothing."

"It was kind of gross."

"How dare you."

"Sam almost reconsidered making me Ruby's godmother because you and I had sex in the forest."

"Yeah, I can't believe you told her."

Together, they chuckled, attaining lightness amidst the utter ridiculousness of the situation they were stuck in. And then Lena sobered up slightly and closed her eyes, leaning her head closer to Kara's chin.

"What is this supposed to mean, Kara?"

If she could, Kara would just say those words and be done with it. She would throw it all to hell and just speak the three words to Lena and shake their worlds up again.

But what happened three years ago, heartbreaking as it was, was still a lesson that Kara had taken to heart in the days since. She wouldn't rush into things again. She wouldn't let herself be wrapped up in the fairytale elements of it all and forget about the reality that relationships could be difficult, painful, and frustrating if they weren't careful.

She couldn't go through that again. And she wouldn't let Lena go through that again, not if she could help it.

So instead of allowing impulse to take over, she only pulled Lena forward and wrapped her arms around the raven-haired woman, placing her chin on top of the woman's head. Thankfully, Lena was receptive to her overture, willingly tucking her head into the crook of Kara's neck and enclosing her own arms around Kara's shoulders.

"Let me keep my promise," Kara whispered, not at all knowing what would happen next. "Let me catch you."

patience, padawans. it's coming together.