as i upload this, my country has just elected a prime minister that no one voted for.

this is my way of coping. cheers.

now, read, ponder, and enjoy!

Paperwork was the worst. Inventory and numbers and reports. Man made and the only purpose was to drive people nuts.

Sometimes, Kara wished she wasn't so good at her job to get promoted to Lieutenant. She didn't think she would ever want to be a captain if that meant more getting stuck behind the desk to do paperwork and less going out to the field to do crazy shit so people would have a peace of mind. She looked up from her stack of reports to Sam, who looked like even ten cups of coffee wouldn't sustain her.

Yeah, maybe Kara should take it slow and let Sam be the leader that she was so good at. Then again, right now, her sister-in-law looked like she was about to put all the reports and data into the shredder and be done with it. Kara would support that if they wouldn't be risking their jobs over it.

She threw down her blue ballpoint pen and leaned back in her chair, saying, "I'm taking Lena out."

Sam loosened her tight grip on her hair and frowned at the blonde, tilting her head. "Like…you don't mean killing her, right?"

Kara choked on air and stood upright. "What? No! I mean on a date. I'm taking her out on a date. Jesus, Sam."

"Had to make sure."

They eyed each other for a really long moment, paperwork forgotten. Kara was overtaken with apprehension and doubt at having told Sam that, but Sam was pretty much unreadable. That was probably why she was made captain – her poker face was out of this world, almost rivaling Lena's.

And then Sam sighed, standing up to make her way over to the small table that Kara had been occupying in her office – they pretty much shared the office already, but no one ever said it out loud. She sat in the other chair and continued staring at the blonde, eyes narrowed and chin pillowed in her palm.

"We've had this conversation before," Sam started, a little too lazily to Kara's liking.

"Huh?"

"You dating my best friend. Me warning you of where I'll bury your body if you hurt her," Sam offered, gesturing airily with her free hand. "I remember very clearly, because I had never seen Lena so happy before. Back then anyway. She was humming. That woman never hums."

Kara gulped nervously. She did, indeed, remember that particular conversation. It was the only time she had ever been on the receiving end of a shovel talk. Well, actually, she got a couple of shovel talks. From Sam to Lex. There was even one outright threatening one from Andrea, which didn't help the animosity between them.

Lena didn't know it, but she was cared and she was loved. Always.

"I never thought I'd have to give two shovel talks to you."

Kara wanted to throw her head back and groan aloud, but seeing the sternness on Sam's face, she elected against it.

"Don't get me wrong – I like you two together. I've been rooting for you even when you two split." Sam crossed her arms, a frown across her forehead. "I didn't even – she wasn't exactly the best paragon of abstinence when you two were apart." Now, Kara was frowning, but she didn't dare interject. "I'm sure she told you about Andrea."

"That woman is a pain in my ass even when she's not around," Kara scoffed.

"Hey, that's my friend you're talking about," Sam admonished her, though not without a teasing smile. "I never really understood why you and Andrea just cannot get along."

"She's in love with Lena," Kara shot out, because it was the most obvious thing in the world, and she could never really understand why the others just couldn't see it. "I've known it the moment the I met her. Andrea Rojas is in love with Lena, and she doesn't even try to hide it."

"You haven't seen her for years."

"Okay, she was, and she didn't even try to hide it," Kara corrected herself with a pout. "I mean, she didn't even – she didn't hesitate to jump Lena the moment we got divorced. Yes, I know about that. Lena told me."

"Do you really think you have the right to be possessive?" Kara gaped at the captain, a little appalled at the bold question, but Sam didn't even falter, just staring at the blonde with her brows raised, like the mother she was apparently born to be. "You were divorced. I'd never seen Lena so heartbroken. I don't blame her for looking for avenues to forget that you just signed the papers without even trying to fight for your case."

"What –"

"Because honestly, I was pissed at you," Sam confessed, the mischief from before dissipating all together. "You moved here and you came into my fire station and I couldn't – did you know Lena had specifically asked me to be nice to you?" Kara frowned deeply. "Yeah, she called me after learning that you were moving here, and she pretty much instructed me to be nice to you. To pretend that none of that happened. Act as if you weren't the reason that my best friend was a whole damn mess."

"Sam –"

"Why didn't you fight for her?"

Leaning back in her chair, the lieutenant could only stare at Sam. Never had she ever seen Sam so upset before. With her. They'd always managed to remain cordial, even playful, with each other, despite their history. They were pretty much each other's work wife.

Honestly, she hadn't realized that Sam had been quite so unhappy with the situation, with her. Even angry, if she wanted to venture into that kind of language. Kara tugged at her ponytail a little and leaned back in her chair, recognizing that Lena and she weren't the only affected ones in their relationship.

"I didn't know how to," Kara admitted with a self-deprecating shrug. She clenched her jaw and cleared her throat. "Back then, I thought: How was I supposed to fight for a relationship that obviously wasn't working out anymore? We'd spent enough of our marriage fighting each other as it was."

"And you just got tired of her?"

She had to tread lightly here, Kara knew that, but she also knew that she had to be honest. This may been sudden, but she could tell that this was the culmination of years of unsaid words. Unvented resentment.

For a brief moment, she wondered why her sister never told her about any of this. Actually, did Alex even know that her wife had been upset to this extent?

"Not of her. I was just…tired," she whispered. "She wasn't the only one in pain, Sam," she continued explaining. "I couldn't – come on, Sam, you saw how I was."

Sam looked away, clearly remembering the state that Kara had been in during that first year. How she worked herself to the bone. Taking extra shifts just because she didn't want to go back to an empty apartment. Refusing to adopt a dog or a cat or even a freaking turtle because that had been the dream she had when she was with Lena.

"You had me. You had Alex. You had James and Lucy. She was – Lena was all alone in Metropolis," Sam said regretfully, brushing her hand over her face. "I think I mostly resented you because you left her all alone there. She had no one, except a narcissistic brother, a mother who didn't know how to show her love, and a father who's almost dying right now."

"I won't do that again." Sam narrowed her eyes at Kara's seemingly flimsy promise. "Sam, I never stopped loving her. I never stopped thinking about her. And I've learned the hard way what it's like to be without her. Trust me, I won't ever leave her again."

"And if you do?"

"Feel free to set me on fire."

"Alex would leave me for that."

Kara smiled a little. "I'm glad you told me all these." She sighed. "And I'm sorry, Sam."

"Yeah, well," Sam said with a shrug. "But I swear, Kara, Lena's my best friend. Hurt her like that again and I'll find so many ways to make your life a living hell."

The blonde nodded, and held out a pinky finger. Sam rolled her eyes, but she interlocked her pinky finger with Kara's anyway.

She stood at the bottom of Lena's building, trying her very best to not fidget in the outfit she'd put on. A dark brown blazer over a crispy clean black top, alongside a pair of slim fit black slacks. All those purchased only the day before, with careful scrutiny from Alex to get the best bang of her buck.

Sitting on a bench in front of the valet, she'd never felt more out of place. First of all, this building had a valet and a doorman. How extra was that? And she was pretty sure she saw a couple of plainclothes officer just wandering about the neighborhood, like they were giving the place extra security, as if the security detail itself wasn't enough.

All those ponderings were erased immediately when Lena finally emerged from the front doors, smiling at the doorman and the valet as she made her way to Kara. And the blonde, like the lovesick fool that she was, could only stare. Well, more like gape. She was gaping. When Lena had finally stopped in front of her, she was still gaping.

"Kara?"

Blinking rapidly, she shook out of her daze and sprang to her feet, gulping at the sight before her. "You look –" She gulped again and took Lena in, who had on a blush-shade dress that extended to her knees, hair up in a half-knot and leaving the rest over her shoulders – Kara wanted to devour her right there on the streets. "This is just unfair," she grumbled, forcing her hands into pockets so she didn't do anything untoward.

"What?" Lena asked, totally oblivious to the effect she had on Kara, or the passersby, for the matter.

Suddenly, the blonde felt a little like Neanderthal, wanting to wrap their woman up in shrouds of clothing with not a smidge of skin on display. Totally not nice of her and she should be better than this, but she thought it anyway.

She took in a deep breath to brace herself and held out a hand gingerly, smiling at Lena like a gentlewoman, though she was feeling anything but. She was feeling somersaults all over her nerve endings. Dragons in her stomach. Heat at the bottom of her stomach.

Kara could only exhale in relief when Lena didn't hesitate to take her hand, interlocking their fingers together. This was a step. This was a good step, Kara reminded herself. She tightened her grip on Lena's pale hand and breathed again, suddenly feeling peaceful at the touch.

How did she ever go this long without Lena Luthor?

There were probably other better planned first dates than the one she had planned. Those done by the one percenters. Helicopter flights or whatnot. Maybe even a dinner in Paris. If Kara could fly, she would probably do that for Lena too. She would bring Lena to space if she could.

However, Kara was but a firefighter, passionate about her job with only enough in her accounts for a few splurges throughout the year. She was comfortable, sure, but she certainly couldn't afford a two-way flight just to bring the woman she was in love with out for dinner. Plus, Lena probably had had enough of those to be amazed at the experience.

Displayed before them was a checkered blanket on the grass, a basket of food bought from Noonan's in the middle – Kara didn't want Lena to get food poisoning on their second-first date, after all – and a bottle of really expensive white wine that Sam had kindly gifted her from their stash.

Beyond the blanket and basket and wine, there was National City in the night, lit up by buildings and streetlights and tail lamps. They were far away enough to not be disturbed by the usual hubbub of the city, like sirens and screams and occasional laughter in the populated streets. The view was beautiful without the noise.

She watched her date carefully, who was studying the scene before them with an incomprehensible expression, her hands forcefully tucked in her pockets again, because they were still in public, damn it. And she certainly wasn't going to ruin their second-first date by being too forward.

When Lena still said nothing, the urge to explain came surging up her chest.

"I didn't want to repeat our actual first date. Generic dinner and all. It's not much, but I figured it's a fresh start. Full disclosure, though; I didn't pay for the wine. I know the kind of stuff you drink, and I honestly – the price is kind of crazy."

"Kara Danvers, did you steal something?"

"No. Sam gave it to me," she said meekly, tucking her chin.

Lena hummed. Kara was only somewhat relieved at the smile on her lips. The doctor nodded and took off her heels, dangling them on her fingers and making her way towards the blanket. Kara hastily followed, sitting down with one leg crossed and the other stretched out.

She started brandishing items from the basket, including a stereo, a container of potstickers, two servings of avocado and marinated salad sandwich – she had shuddered the moment she spoke those words at Noonan's – and two wine glasses. Carefully, she laid them out on the space between them, presenting as best as she knew how.

And when she was done, she lamely lavished her hands above them with a weak 'ta da' and a nervous tic on her cheek.

She probably shouldn't be nervous. After all, she'd been the one to pursue this and convince Lena to give her a chance. She was sure that they would work out this time around.

Meanwhile, Lena had been the one who resisted and tried to find every excuse on the face of the planet to convince the both of them that it would only lead to a dead end – sometimes, the blonde felt a little guilty for being so persistent, wondering if she had unwittingly hammered away at Lena's walls like a total bull. And yet, here she was, not a hair out of place and didn't seem even a little anxious at all.

"You – you got kale," Lena stuttered in surprise, holding up the package like it was a precious gift or something.

Kara squinted. "You still like kale, right?" she asked hesitantly. Lena chuckled and brushed a hand through her hair, nodding. "Oh, thank god."

"Why do you seem more nervous than I am?"

"Why are you not nervous at all?"

"Oh, trust me, Kara, I'm practically quaking inside," Lena divulged, tilting her head. "Full disclosure, this still doesn't sound like a good idea to me."

Kara raised her brows and leaned back by propping her arm on the blanket. "Why did you say yes to the date then?"

"You won't believe me, but Ruby convinced me." Kara blinked, slightly perturbed by the mention of her niece that she'd met no more than ten times since she joined the family. "I brought her out to a toy store that day, and she chose this…bear. Cute little generic thing with a ribbon and all. She didn't hesitate. She saw the bear and she chose the bear."

Forgive her, but Kara still didn't quite follow the tangent. She squinted more, displaying her confusion.

"So I brought her to ice-cream after –"

"Alex is gonna kill you."

"What she doesn't know won't kill me," Lena dismissed easily with that glint in her eyes that Kara enjoyed so thoroughly. "Anyway, I asked Ruby how she could be so sure about that bear. And she told me that she looked at it and knew that the bear would protect her. That simple." And Lena stopped talking, looking at Kara expectantly.

Believe her, the firefighter tried. She spent the next five minutes trying to figure out the point of the story. How a five-year-old girl and a bear managed to push Lena to agree to a date – not that she wasn't grateful to the girl, and apparently a toy bear, for that, but it still didn't quite make sense.

"Huh?"

"We broke each other's heart," Lena declared, though unlike the previous times she'd brought it up, she seemed at peace with that fact at this moment. "And I've never been able to repair it over the past three years, even though I knew – I know – that you were the reason I was such a mess."

"Seriously, are we still talking about –"

"Hear me out," Lena chastised with an admonishing grin. "We saw each other again, and I couldn't – I realized that I could never fix my heart because I didn't want to. Not that I really couldn't, I just didn't want to." The raven-haired woman picked at the lid of the kale sandwich package and cleared her throat. "Sometimes, things are as simple as they get. And amidst all the complications that have haunted our relationship the moment we saw each other, there is one simple thing."

"Which is?"

"You'll protect me."

Kara's jaw dropped slightly, amazed at how it was all condensed to just this one thing, and it wasn't wrong. Lena wasn't wrong. Kara had always, always, wanted to protect Lena, regardless of whether she succeeded or failed spectacularly at that.

It all boiled down to this one thing, whether they were a couple, or friends, or even two people who used to hate each other while loving one another. Her innate protectiveness, particularly over one Lena Luthor, had been why she always avoided all talk of Lena before they reunited. Because if she heard of Lena, she would want to know more. And before she knew it, she would absolutely end up on a plane just to see for herself.

"I will," she whispered in reply, somehow looking Lena in a whole new light, bypassing all her expectations. "Lena, I swear on my life, I will protect you."

"Even if this fails?"

"All the time, Lena."

"I know."

Kara stammered for a bit, trying to find the words that had disappeared from her vocabulary to express the flurry of emotions. This was probably what all the religious extremists were talking about: seeing the light. Well, they'd never seen the light twice, just like she was now, apparently.

"Is it weird that I kind of want to marry you right now?" Kara asked before she could stop herself.

At that, Lena stiffened. For once throughout this bizarre night, Kara had the opportunity to shock Lena. Though for good or for bad remained to be seen. She fidgeted where she sat, knowing that she couldn't take the words back anyway.

"Why don't we see how this date goes first?"

Kara easily nodded, because from that conversation, a weight had lifted. She was no longer bogged down by doubts of her own – or worse, Lena's – complicated feelings. She was here, always in love with the woman she never thought she'd have a chance with again.

She couldn't ask for anything beyond that at this juncture.

Halfway through the bottle, Kara's blazer over Lena's shoulders, and food all gobbled down, this was turning out to be the perfect date. In Kara's books anyway.

Once they had gotten all the necessary details out of the way, things transitioned into easy conversation, like they tended to be between the two of them. They talked about nothing and everything. From their jobs to the things they'd missed out in the three years they'd been out of each other's lives.

And Kara appreciated every single syllable spoken between them, lapping them up like hot chocolate that soothed even the sorest of throats. And she wondered, once again, how she went so long without Lena by her side.

She wished desperately that she would never have to go through that again, as she lied on her back beside the woman, their hands tentatively touching in the space between them. She was very good at multitasking, so here she was: listening to Lena talk about the latest technique that she'd been looking into, wishing that this night would never end, and finding the will to just catch Lena's hand.

"Can I ask you something?" she queried after Lena had finished talking. Lena hummed in approval. "Can I hold your hand?"

Lena turned her head to face Kara and grinned. Rather than replying, she took the initiative and closed the distance between their hands, interlocking their fingers.

Kara exhaled loudly, her heart thumping violently behind her ribs. She took a risk and lifted their interlocked hands to place a kiss on the back of Lena's hand, long and faithful. She also took the opportunity to breathe in and appreciate the woman's perfume.

"I can't believe I used to wish for you to get out of National City," she murmured, lowering their hands to place on her chest. "I was an idiot."

"Sometimes, I still wish I never came," Lena confessed, allowing her hand to stay on Kara's chest.

"This is good, right?" Kara asked, not just about the hands, but also about the date, their once-again seemingly blossoming relationship, everything.

"This is good," Lena offered, slightly disbelieving.

"You won't leave, right?"

"I won't leave."

"Okay," Kara lamented softly, closing her eyes and nodding to herself. "Okay, good."

Silence hung over them after that. Disturbed by nothing but the beats of Kara's heart ringing in her ears. She was a little overwhelmed by the boundless love that she had rediscovered, hidden away in a corner that she had locked away when she departed Metropolis.

"I'm sorry I didn't fight for you. For us," Kara whispered into the night air. "And thank you for asking Sam to be nice to me."

Lena scoffed, attempting to tug her hand away, but Kara wouldn't let her. "I can't believe she told you." She was quiet again, and then, "I think we needed the divorce." Kara's eyes flew open, and she turned to stare at her ex-wife. "We got married too young, let's be honest. We needed to space to grow without that kind of commitment hanging over our heads."

"Are you saying you regret marrying me?"

"I'm saying I regret that we didn't take time to consider the consequences. Or else we wouldn't be here."

"I hate how you're always right," Kara grumbled, still not releasing Lena's hand.

And then their pagers rang. Literally. At the same time. She groaned aloud and had to let go of Lena's hand for this. She grumbled as she dug for her pager in her pocket, while Lena giggled as she lifted hers from her purse.

"Oh, come on," she complained once she read the code on the pager.

"It's big if I'm getting the code as well," Lena said, sighing and lifting herself to her feet. "Come on, ex-wife, time to go. Lives to save and all."

The blonde never stopped grumbling as she stood up, brushing away at her pants and pouting like a little girl who didn't get her candy. "I just wanted to romance you. Sex you up and all."

At that, Lena burst into bouts of laughter, loud and uncontrolled, just the way Kara liked it. She was holding her stomach with one hand with the other rested on Kara's shoulder to support herself.

At one point, she forgot about the pager and the emergency that called for Station 15's help. She reached out and held onto Lena's waist, pulling her closer and closer as the woman laughed, until Lena sobered up and found their bodies pressed together, faces inches away from each other.

Kara breathed in again, hoping to have that smell ingrained in her head before she would go off to fight a fire for cutting this night short. She leaned in a bit, and their upper lips brushed. She stopped there, not willing to do anything without Lena's explicit approval.

When Lena nodded, she pressed in, almost tipping the two of them by the sheer force of it. Her entire body ignited, not unlike when they'd had sex in the woods a couple of weeks ago, and she could only hold onto Lena tighter so she didn't melt to ground like a useless lesbian.

Lena's lips parted when her tongue swept along her lower lip, gently requestion access. Their mouths slanted together, intimate and warm, and gosh, the fire might as well save itself, because Kara wouldn't it any help given that she was pretty much on fire herself.

Eventually, she pulled back, sucking in air with a foolish grin on her face. Lena was beautiful, and Kara had never hated being a firefighter more in her life.

alright, i'm gonna go and drink myself to oblivion because, like i said, my country fucked up