a lot of flashbacks in this one

now, read, ponder,and enjoy!

"Lena!"

"Kara, you have to let us save her."

"Where is that fucking bastard?"

"You need to calm down."

"Calm down?"

"Why don't you go home?"

"No."

"Sam, I –"

"She'll be okay."

"You don't know that."

"We have to believe."

Blood. Blood on her hands. Blood on her bruised and numb hands. Blood that didn't even belong to her. Kara couldn't tell Lena's blood apart from that of the guy she had punched almost half to death before Sam and James pulled her off him.

It was all a blur, but she remembered one thing very clearly – she landed a pronounced kick to his crotch before she was successfully removed from his vicinity, and she wished she had done more than that.

She wished she had arrived faster. She wished she had managed to pull the man away before he pulled the trigger. She wished she hadn't gone away after sending the kid to the hospital, staying by Lena's side like a determined protector. She wished it had all been a horrible nightmare and she was back on the hill with her ex-wife.

Fear was an all-consuming thing, she realized as soon as she saw the blood coloring Lena's scrubs. The gunshot had been quiet amidst the chaos, or maybe she was simply too scared to hear anything but the thud of the bullet and the sight of the raven-haired woman sinking to her knees.

And then fear came over like a blanket all too heavy, enshrouding her like a demon's claws and blinding her to all common senses. Well, fear and anger. And then regret, because the first thing she did wasn't to run to Lena; it was to push the perpetrator to the ground and punching the daylights out of him, as if that would reverse the pull of his finger on the trigger.

By the time she had reached Lena, hands desperate to touch her ex-wife's skin, the woman had been unconscious, blood still oozing out of the wound despite four hands pressing on it – hers and Alex's. By the time she had reached Lena, she didn't get to see Lena's beautiful eyes, and she was afraid that she would never see them again.

What if she never saw those eyes again?

Lena Luthor had beautiful eyes.

She was the most ethereal being on the face of the planet, but Kara was a particular victim of those eyes. She could look into them and lose all sense of self, drown in them and not have a sense of regret. Kara would always strive to keep those eyes as bright as possible; it was a promise she made when they kissed for the first time and Lena's eyes had never been as startling.

"Do you know that your eyes are…different colors?" Kara asked one time, unable to resist as she spent too long getting lost in them.

Lena lifted her gaze from the book she'd been reading, locking them on Kara, and god, Kara was so fortunate to be able to wake up to them. There was a bewildered smile tugging at Lena's lips, and she said, "Are they?"

"Has no one told you?" The blonde shifted closer to Lena on the bed, close enough that she could wrap an arm around the woman's shoulders and pull her closer. "They're like…blue and green," she murmured, tilting Lena's chin up with her thumb. "Especially when you're relaxed, like right now."

"Is it weird?"

Kara shook her head vehemently and let go of Lena's chin, resting their foreheads together. "I could look at you forever."

The raven-haired woman chuckled and placed a bookmark in her book without looking at it. She hummed. "You've already gotten me naked. You don't have to keep flattering me." Kara made a noise of protest, ready to defend her obsession with the woman in her arms. "But I sure hope you do."

"Listen, if there's anyone in this world who deserves to be narcissistic, it's you."

"Oh my god," Lena grumbled and started pushing Kara away, but not very actively, like she was just playing at it. "You're so annoying."

Kara giggled brashly and only tightened her arms around Lena, pushing the woman onto her back so she could hover above, slotting her hips between pale, pale legs. She leaned down and traced a line of kisses across Lena's chest, up her collarbone, nosing at her jaw, and pecking her nose. And then she drew back, finding Lena's eyes dilated and breathing shallow.

Exactly the reaction she was looking for. And damn, her eyes were even more prominent like this. How did she never realize this until today? How did Lena not know she was so besotting? How was any of this possible?

"I love you," she whispered.

Lena froze under her body, but fortunately, she didn't struggle away. She just looked up at Kara, expression a combination of surprise and confusion. Eventually though, they all cleared up, leaving behind intense adoration and expectation.

"I love you too," Lena replied in a whisper.

What if she would never get the chance to say those words to Lena again?

The big day. The biggest day in her life. As if gods above could hear her prayers, the sky was clear and the grass smelled fantastic and everything seemed to be going on track. Caterers all arrived on time to serve food that would match the palates of her and Lena's families. The wedding planner was nice and courteous and never failed to congratulate Kara.

And she couldn't even tie her own tie because her hands were shaking too much from nerves. Trembling, basically, like someone had brought a drill to her hands and decided to vibrate her bones. She hadn't even been this nervous when she asked Lena out the first time. Or propose to her.

She threw her hands down after the sixth attempt of getting the bowtie to behave, halfway to deciding that she would just walk out without the bowtie. Let this be a casual wedding, Jesus. She wasn't going to let a bowtie stop her from doing the one thing she felt like she was born on this earth to do.

"You're not getting cold feet, are you?"

She whirled around, seeing Alex closing the door behind her with a teasing smile on her face. Kara had no idea that she would do the exact thing two years later, but at the moment, she protested, "No! Of course not! I would never." She gestured at the traitor around her neck. "I just can't get this damn thing to work."

"I think Lena will still find you the handsomest person on the planet without the bowtie," Alex joked but approached her sister anyway, batting her hands away so she could help fix it. "It's times like this that you wish dad is still around to teach you, isn't it?" she asked, somberly this time.

"He would have liked her."

"He would have loved her more than the two of us." Kara and Alex shared a smile, simultaneously reminiscent and joyful. Alex then patted the knot of the bowtie and took a step back. "Let's get you married."

Not one of hint of hesitation was detected in her steps as she made her way out of the dressing room to the outdoors, where the wedding planner had it all decorated simply but still important. A signature of an important day between two small people in the whole wide world.

One would even say that they had never seen Kara as excited while she bounded up the aisle to stand by the arch, Ray Palmer standing at the center to be the officiant. She smiled at her close friends and family, winking at Felicity, who had been the one to urge her to just ask Lena to marry her already, for the love of Moses.

And then everyone was seated, and Eliza started playing the piano. And Kara stopped breathing as Lena made her appearance, supported by a healthy Lionel Luthor. Kara stopped breathing and she couldn't believe that this was real, that she was going to keep Lena forever.

"Take care of her," Lionel whispered, patting their clasped hands before sitting next to his wife at the front row.

Kara kept a tight grip on her bride's hand, barely fighting back the tears and the urge to just kiss Lena right there and then. Similarly, Lena's eyes were shimmering with grateful tears, like she couldn't believe this day had come either.

You look so beautiful, she mouthed, not a hint of lie in her sincerity.

Because Lena was so beautiful; Kara had known since the first day she met her under that bus stop awning, rain pouring around them. Only that later, she learned that Lena was not only physically stunning, but also the best person ever. Always kind. Always looking to help. Always ambitious.

And today, she was going to marry this woman. Today, she could really promise, in front of their friends and family and all the people that mattered, that she would be by Lena's side forever. God, she really thought they would be together forever.

What if she lost her chance of making another promise of forever, for real this time?

It was late. A little too late for it to be anything salvageable. Kara grimaced as she stared at the door that would lead to her home, only it hadn't felt like a home for some time.

The apartment felt like a warzone. A place where the two occupants would wage their war of words, throwing scathing remarks and shouting unforgivable comments at one another. There was no longer the peace and warmth she used to associate with it, only a location for her to sleep, if she ever had the time for that.

She shook her head like a dog in an attempt to shake away the tipsiness from the three mugs of beer she'd ingested before she decided it was time to face the music. She sighed and closed her eyes. When did it all go wrong?

As quiet as possible, Kara fished out the keys and unlocked the door, tiptoeing in like a thief, hoping that tonight would be peaceful. That she could sleep for a couple of hours and head out before her wife would realize she was even home. How did it get so wrong?

"Where were you?"

Damn it. Abandoning all efforts to be stealthy, the door clicked shut behind her and she tossed her belongings on the little table next to the walk-in closet, hanging her jacket in the closet and placing her shoes neatly on the rack. It was a lame attempt to prolong the inevitable.

She should have slept at the station.

"Something came up," she muttered, avoiding any eye contact with her wife, who was seated on the couch in the darkness.

"Right," Lena scoffed.

"Look, can we not do this tonight? I'm tired and I smell of cat piss."

When she finally found the courage to look, she found that Lena was holding a tumbler in her hand, a bottle of whiskey three quarters empty. Well, at least she wasn't the only one who had to find solace in alcoholic beverages. But she also knew that a Lena who had drank that much was a brutal Lena, and she didn't want to face that tonight.

"I'm going to bed," she announced, already striding towards the bedroom.

"I went for a walk in the park this afternoon," Lena said, stopping her. "Well, yesterday afternoon, more like." Kara stared at her sideways, wondering what Lena had come up with tonight to insult her. "And I saw this – this couple, a man and a woman, I'm not sure if they're married, but they're a couple." Lena took a sip and winced slightly. "They were laughing, talking about a nephew or something, and they were holding hands, and they seemed happy. So happy," she drifted off, staring at the television. After a long while, she turned to find Kara's eyes. "Do you remember that? Being happy. Just laughing at stupid stuff."

Kara sighed and said, "Lena…"

"They loved each other, no doubt about it."

"Can we wait until the morning, please? I'm tired."

"You're always tired. And I'm always waiting."

Kara scoffed, somewhat awed at her wife's audacity. She turned away from the bedroom and approached the living room, standing behind the armchair and gesturing at the mess of textbooks sprawled over the coffee table.

"You're not exactly a free woman yourself, Lena," she bit out.

"At least I come home," Lena retorted, volume rising with each syllable.

Well, here it went. "I wonder why I don't want to," Kara said, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Lena demanded, jumping to her feet.

"It means you won't get off my back, Lena!" Kara shouted, ready for the next shouting match to come, like an MMA match, only with their mouths. "I have a job and I'm trying to support this household!"

"What? And I don't?"

"You're a damn resident! How much do you fucking make?"

"Right, so it's about money."

Kara squeezed her eyes shut and closed her eyes, regretting her words already. Fuck, she should never have said that. She should have never drunk those three mugs of beer. She should have just come home and sort things out, no matter how much she didn't want to.

"Do you still love me?"

Kara's eyes shot wide open at that. Lena was staring back at her, surprisingly sober despite the whiskey she'd had. There was no mistaking the look on her face; she was expecting the worst answer possible.

And the blonde wanted to mitigate that. She wanted to brush all those worries away and reassure Lena that yes, yes, she still loved her. She would always love her. Except, for some unfathomable reason, she couldn't say it tonight. Something was stopping her and she didn't know what it was. She just couldn't say it.

Then she was speechless for so long that it didn't seem to matter anyway, because the reality of it all sank in and she watched Lena retreating right before her eyes. And it broke her heart, but she still couldn't say anything. She didn't catch her the moment Lena needed it most.

Lena chuckled sardonically and downed the rest of the whiskey before plonking it down on the coffee table. "Well, I guess that settles it then."

"Babe –"

"Do not call me that," Lena hissed, her eyes welling with heartbreaking tears. "You don't get to call me that anymore."

"Lena, please. It's not that."

"Then what the hell is it?" Lena yelled, pretty much pleaded. She ran her fingers through her hair and choked on a sob. "Am I supposed to keep waiting for you? You don't even want to come home anymore. What's the point of this place then? Our bed? It's my bed now. You're just – what the fuck do you want?"

"I want to stop fighting. I want to fix this," Kara whispered, more exhausted than ever.

She had a feeling, earlier today, that this day would be it somehow. That was why she worked herself to the bone at the station and didn't even hesitate to join her colleagues on their bar crawl, because if she came home, she knew it would break. Everything would diminish.

And it was all coming true right before her eyes, and she didn't know how to stop it. How could a person stop an avalanche without killing themselves?

"Do you still love me?" Lena repeated.

Still, still, her traitor of a mouth wouldn't let her say anything in response to that. It was so simple. So easy. But she couldn't. What the hell was wrong with her?

"Then there's nothing to fix," Lena concluded. "We can't fix this."

Oh god, how did she fuck up so bad?

What if she could never fight with Lena again, because Lena wouldn't be there?

The big day. The worst day of her life. As if the gods could hear the anguish roaring in her chest, the sky was gloomy and the rain poured, the earthy scent of grass permeating her nostrils. As if mocking her for her stupidity and carelessness. For allowing it to come to this point.

Kara knew innately the promises she was breaking the moment she agreed to Lena's request. Well, not so much a request, but a tearful demand. A plea to release her from the pain that Kara had put her through, that they'd put each other through. And Kara had always been terrible at saying no to the woman.

The process had been simple and easy, because as much as they said they hated each other through the last few months of their turbulent marriage, Kara still wanted the best for Lena, and she wasn't going to make it difficult. So whatever Lena asked for in the procedure, she only had her lawyer agree.

No point dragging it out.

She stood outside the building in the middle of Metropolis, ignoring the messages that were starting to stack up on her phone. She leaned against, ironically, a bus stop and just looked at her watch, the second hand ticking and ticking and ticking, signaling that time wouldn't stop just because she didn't want to do it.

"Ms. Danvers." Kara looked up from the offending timepiece and saw Laurel standing there, lips pinched. "Shall we?" Laurel asked softly.

The probationary firefighter clenched her jaw, attempting to suppress the sourness in her chest that had lingered and failing. For a second, she wondered if there was any way for her to not go up there and still get it done. Laurel could forge her signature and she wouldn't care.

In the end though, she just nodded and pushed away from the bus stop. They walked in together, silent in her grievance. She kept her eyes ahead, not looking at anyone or anything as they exited the elevator and headed down a corridor and then into an office.

Then she looked at Lena, whose demeanor was cold and expression was, well, expressionless. They locked eyes and Kara stood in the doorway, just staring at her wife. Her wife for another thirty minutes, if things went smoothly.

Who was she kidding? Nothing about this was smooth.

Could she turn back time? She wanted to fix this. Fix everything.

She sat down next to Laurel, opposite Lena and fucking Andrea. God fucking damn it. Of course Andrea would be her lawyer. She could hardly stop herself from leaping across the table and throw Andrea out the window, irrational as it was.

Neither Kara nor Lena spoke a word as Andrea and Laurel laid out all the papers and pointed out the pages they had to put down their names. Only nodding silently to convey their understanding of this final step in the painful procedure. As Andrea spelled out the terms, Kara could only look at Lena, who refused to look at her.

"Do you really want this?" Kara asked, interjecting Andrea's droll.

Lena's eyes snapped up from her hands to her wife of another ten minutes. Her jaw trembled and her cold eyes seemed to warm a little with melancholy. Because Kara didn't want this; despite their fights and door slamming, she didn't want any of this. She was only doing it because Lena asked for it.

After a few long moments, so extended that Kara was actually foolish enough to be a little hopeful, Lena inclined her head and shrugged weakly. "It's the only option," she whispered, her voice hoarse.

Kara let out a sharp breath and felt an irrational anger rise within again. This time, not at Andrea, but the woman before her. Kara made vows, sure, but so did Lena, and it didn't seem like Lena was trying to keep any of them at all.

She nodded ferociously and didn't even allow Andrea to finish her diatribe, instead picking up the pen against Laurel's warning and pulled the papers towards her. She signed her name on all the fucking pages, so strongly that one of the pages kind of tore. But fuck that. Fuck everything.

If Lena wanted her to sign, she would sign. She dropped the pen after signing on the last page and stood up, tucking her fists inside her pockets so she wouldn't end up punching a wall or something. She inhaled shakily and nodded to herself.

"Are we done?" she asked no one in particular, desperate to run out the door. Laurel and Andrea only gaped at her, probably having never seen this before in their careers. She huffed and looked at Lena, who was, finally, crying. "We're done."

It was…done.

Inside, she apologized for being so irrational. So temperamental. She apologized that she didn't end up catching Lena anyway, and walked out of the building and out of Lena's life, thinking they would never see each other.

What if she would never get the chance to fix the whole damn thing?

"Lieutenant Danvers."

Kara looked up to find Lillian Luthor standing before her, looking not regal for once. Her lips were pale and there was a fear in her eyes that was unmistakable, and there was no jewelry adoring her features. Just a mother concerned for a daughter hanging by a thread.

But she was still poised. Back straight and lips pursed, determined to believe that her daughter would pull through even if she had to pull Lena back herself.

"Mrs. Luthor," she breathed, hopping to her feet, hands fidgeting at her belly. "I – I'm so sorry. I couldn't –"

"Stop." Kara stopped and just stared fearfully at her former mother-in-law. "Come. Let's have coffee." Kara's eyes widened. "This is going to be a long night. Let me buy you coffee," Lillian insisted.

Kara looked over the woman's shoulder and saw Lionel and Lex hunched over on the bench on the opposite side of the corridor, looking at nothing in particular. Just afraid. For a brief moment, she wondered who called them and how they got here so fast. She was too busy regretting all the moments that had led up to this moment.

She offered a meek nod and started leading Lillian out the building to the coffee cart that operated at unearthly hours. She numbly watched the Luthor matriarch purchase two cups of piping hot black coffee, not daring to tell Lillian that she hated black coffee and just taking the paper cup as offered. They made themselves comfortable on a bench in the garden, reeling from the tumultuous night that they'd both gone through.

"Can I call you Kara?" Lillian asked.

Kara was taken aback for a moment, because she had never known Lillian to be one to ask for permission. "I – yes, of course."

"I've always liked you, Kara," Lillian offered. Uh, what the hell? "I know you've always thought I don't like you, but I did. I still do, for some reason." Okay, this was getting weird. "I suppose it's because I've always believed that you're the only person capable of loving my daughter the way she deserves."

At that, a wave of shame washed over the blonde's body. She kept her hands cupped around the coffee, allowing the heat to remind her of reality. "Not always," she said, remembering all the moments that she'd hurt Lena. "I failed your daughter when she needed me the most."

"We all fail the people we love. It's the way of life," Lillian easily replied, gazing at the moon.

Kara exhaled shudderingly and followed Lillian's gaze. "I'm sorry I didn't call you."

"I understand. We all do." Lillian combed her fingers through her messy hair. "Can I tell you something, Kara?"

"Of course."

"I am –" Lillian clenched her jaw, and for the first time, her mask of poise cracked, anguish leaking through, however unfathomable it was. "I am scared out of my wits," she confessed with a teary chuckle. "When Samantha called me, my blood ran cold and I couldn't move for a good five seconds. All the nightmares came through my mind."

"Mrs. Luthor –"

"But I pulled through. I woke my husband and son up and I offered to pay the pilot extra to fly us over as soon as we can. I tell myself that I will not show up at my daughter's funeral. She will show up at mine, selfish as that may be."

"It's not selfish, Mrs. Luthor."

"My daughter is the strongest woman I know."

"Yes."

"She will make it."

"Yes."

"You have to believe with me, okay?" Lillian said. No, she pleaded, looking at Kara with the face of a mother, rather than the scary matriarch that had kept the family going. "Lena is going to make it."

Kara nodded, even though she really didn't feel all that confident right now. But tonight, she believed she was seeing Lillian Luthor for the first time, a woman who only wanted what was best for her children.

She would make up for all her mistakes. She would fix her regrets. She would believe if only so that she could laugh with Lena again.

be like lillian and believe