51 GOOD WAYS TO ANNOY LORD VOLDEMORT
By the daemoninwhite and insania ruin gowr
(A/N: Yeah, well, this has been in the works for like, ages, and then I read fork-tofu-pingpong-fish one, and I was inspired to finish this, so yeah. Uh, check out her stuff, check out insania's stuff, they didn't bride me to say that, Amy I expect the chocolate on Monday so yeah, anywho, just something I was think of. Disclaimer shall follow.)
Disclaimer: Fic mine. Voldemort belong Joanne. Hitler belong WWII. Darth Vader belong George Lucas. Consider fic disclaimed.
Warning: Kids, PLEASE DON'T DO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING AT HOME!
1. Call him Tom, Tommy, Tommy-boy, etc.
2. Accuse him of having no dress sense.
3. After irritating him, whisper 'looks like someone didn't get any last night' and point.
4. Ask him if he's going to stop PMSing any time soon.
5. Say that he should really get a new "look" soon, as the snake look is so passé. Suggest cockroach.
6. Ask why someone so secure in their power would seek out a one year old child to destroy.
7. Start a list of all people who Voldie is scared of, add one year old children and men more then twice his age and then show it to him.
8. If you are kidnapped by him, laugh manically. After successfully stealing his "bit" say that you left the weapon that will destroy him at home and if you can go and get it.
9. If he starts to get irritated at this point, hold up your hands and say 'please don't have a temper-tantrum, I'm sure we can discus this like adults'.
10. Ask him what he thought life would be like if he had got enough oxygen to his brain at birth.
11. After defeating him and you're about to kill him, say, 'enjoy your stay, say hi to Hitler for me' and kill him.
12. When he proclaims that he will take over the wizarding world, snort and imply that he's got a snowball's chance in hell of succeeding.
13. When he asks why you think he has a snowball's chance in hell of succeeding, say that 'if you can be almost destroyed by a one year old baby, then I can't wait to see how you deal with a insert age and gender of current hero of the world '.
14. Tell him that you can recommend a very good psychologist if he wishes.
15. Wonder, loudly, if there's a reason that it's mostly men in the "Inner Circle".
16. Hum aimlessly and off key when you are captured.
17. Stare at the Death Eaters and scream 'holy SHIT they're loose!'
18. Tease him over getting beaten by a one year old child.
19. Finish all sentences with 'in accordance to the prophecy' when you are being questioned.
20. Tell him that he has beautiful eyes.
21. Ask him why he likes green, white and black and say 'Wait, I just had a great idea! Shopping spree!'
22. Tell him with a straight face that green is the new pink.
23. Sadly say 'look, I'm really sorry Mr Voldemort, but there is NO Santa Clause!'
24. If your captured, stare blankly around, and say 'so that's what they meant…' And then refuse to explain yourself by saying 'don't worry, it's nothing'. That annoys everyone.
25. Ask Voldemort (in a kind tone of course) 'were you ever unhappy as a child? If so, I think we've had a break through.'
26. If he asks you to join the Death Eaters, sweetly suggest that his mother may have done some dirty with a slug.
27. When he asks you to join, accept, but when he gives you a mission, say, 'no way in Hell, what did your last slave die of?'
28. Throw him a Care Bears Themed Birthday Party.
29. At said party only give him Care Bears themed presents.
30. At aforementioned party get someone to dress up as a Care Bear.
31. When you first see him, scream and yell 'my dream is coming to life! There's a Care Bear chasing me!' and run around a lot.
32. Ask nicely if 'it' hurt.
33. Ask why he didn't come up with an 'eviler' name, and why he came up with one that can be changed so easily to sound less threatening, and point out some. (E.G. Moldevort)
34. Point out the similarities between him and Darth Vader.
35. Laugh when he has no idea who Darth Vader is.
36. Say out loud that you wish you had a lightsaber on you at the moment, but yours is being fixed.
37. If he asks if you have a death wish, sigh and say 'why yes Voldie, I do believe that I have got a death wish! Do with me as you will!'
38. Suggest that he watch some Muggle movies to "get up to date" with the whole kidnapping-the-poor-innocent-person thing.
39. Ask him if he's sure he hasn't got any Troll blood in him.
40. Tell him that according to Witch Weekly, he is not the most feared wizard of the centaury.
41. Tell him that the Death Eaters robes are so "ick" and he should get a professional to design them.
42. Suggest that he should write a biography..
43. Whenever Moldyshorts speaks shout: 'Lies!' or 'Lying!' or 'Why does anyone listen to you?' Alternatively, try my personal favourite: 'LIAR!'
44. When he is close (yes, I know, eww) try and grab one of his hairs so you can scream DNA, but then remember he's bald and start giggling helplessly. Go the helpless giggling!
45. Suggest he try and grow a beard so he can stroke it when he's thinking of his evil plans.
46. Wonder, aloud, if you're the only one who can see the stink lines whenever Voldiekins opens his mouth.
47. Suggest he marry Dumbledore.
48. Start singing 'Away in a Manger' really, really, REALLY loudly and off key.
49. Tell him he should try and get a tan, and offer him tickets to Hawaii.
50. Suggest that he join S.P.E.W as he would be an invaluable member.
51. Tell him to read this. And then run like heck.
A/N: Read over this a while ago and couldn't help but think that it sucked, so here's the updated version!