(A/N: Hicha! Lady Hiran here! There won't be a Recap this time! The voices in my head all have laryngitis! So, onward and upward peeps! I made it extra longso enjoy!)
The Akatsuki stared at the twins with disinterest.
Hotaru and Hajime stared hard at The Akatsuki.
Itachi was the first they homed in on.
Hotaru stared at his long flowing ponytail and a rather pretty face.
She looked at her brother, and his ponytail (far shorter, but still nice) and his rather baby-face/feminine looks combined with his overlarge, ice blue eyes.
Hotaru internal sighed, "Ho-kaayyyeee. 'snot like Ha-chan can exactly do much with the hand he was dealt." She internal grumbled, "He keeps his hair long because of those '"emergencies"' we have, and because I started out a solo ovum and split into two, Hajime's looks are really my fault when ya think about it."
"That guy however…" she rambled internally, "…has no excuse for lookin' like that. Either that guy's gay, or he's walkin' down alleys I don't even wanna think about."
Kisame was next to be zeroed in on.
"Brrr! Creepy! Did that pick a fight with a mallet and lose?" Hajime thought, shuddering internally, "And his skin is blue! BLUE FER CHRISSAKE! I mean COME ON! That is RIGHT OUT! What? Did he get locked in a freezer or something?"
Sasori was next on the list.
"Great." Hotaru internally groaned with derision, "Another pretty boy."
"Grr…Stupid pretty boy with his stupid snooty attitude, lookin' down at me!" Hajime internal foamed at the mouth, "I can't wait ta mess up that face of his."
Zetsu was next.
"Wow." Hotaru blinked, "He looks like something outta a nineteen eighties monster movie! What the heck is this guy? Is that his head?"
"Whoooa." Hajime internally cringed, "Whodda freak, dude! Makes Little Boy Blue over there look like an award winning male model!"
Deidara was last up (snff! So unloved!)
"Uhh…huh. Urm…ungh…NNN-WAAAAH! I can't tell!" Hotaru wailed inside her brain, "Is it a dude? Or a dudette? Oh, I KNOW! IT'S PAT! HA-HA! Not funny!"
"Ahhhh shit son! Oh don't know whether to be turned on or freaked out!" Hajime cried out inside his mind, "Why do people hafta make things so complicated!"
Finished with their analysis, they took to stretching.
"One, two! One, two!" The Uzumaki's chanted, stretching their legs, sides and arms.
"HAJIME! HOTARU! WHADDYA THINK YER DOING!" Naruto cried, leaning dangerously far over the balcony.
"Hm? Oh! HICHA GRANDPA!" Hotaru called happily (bunny ears, cottontail) waving furiously.
"DON'T ME CALL ME GRANDPA!" Naruto shouted.
"HI NARU-BOZU!" Hajime called with a foxish grin (OOOOO! Youko-ears! Meesa wanna touchy! o-o)
"WHY WON'T YOU CALL ME NARUTO?" he wailed.
"BECAUSE THAT WOULDN'T BE FUN AT ALL!" Hotaru and Hajime chided their ancestor cheekily.
Naruto went into temporary shock; forgetting where he was.
"NARUTO! YOU IDIOT!" Sakura and Sasuke screamed together (in one of his very rare OOC moments).
"DWAAAAAAH!" Naruto shouted as her tottered over the ledge.
Hajime and Hotaru didn't move; merely looked skyward to watch their ancestor's ascension.
Hotaru extended both arms calmly…
-PMF-
…and caught Naruto with ease.
"Hell-ooo, Grampa!" she grinned foxishly (kitsune ears), looking down into the face of her antecedent.
"Ya wanted a front row seat, huh?" Hajime asked, smiling hugely as Hotaru set Naruto down.
Now the Akatsuki were interested.
"Grandfather?" Hoshigaki Kisame snorted, "Did you just say…that the Kyuubi's jinchuriki…was your Grandfather?"
"Yup!" Hotaru said cheerfully (bunny ears re-appearing), "Naru-pyon's our Grandpa and we just luv'em ta itty-bitty wittle pieces!" she squealed, glomping the twelve year old tightly around the neck.
"Hi-chan? No baby-talk. It's really creepy." Hajime said, looking more than slightly disturbed.
"Oops! Sorry!" Hotaru said sheepishly, konking herself on the head with one hand (holding onto Naru-pyon with the other), "Believe me, that is NOT gonna happen again."
She shuddered, "BRRRR! I'm starting ta think this whole "joining-cheer-squad-hanging-out-with-cheerleaders" thing is starting to a slow, but steady peroxide leak into my brain."
"It is physically impossible for him to be your Grandfather." Sasori said in a superior tone, "The sheer mechanics of it are impossible."
"You calling us liars?" Hajime asked angrily, his eyes flashing.
"Obviously." Deidara sneered.
Hotaru and Hajime were silent; seething in soundless rage.
"No one…calls us liars…and gets away with it." Hotaru growled, appearing behind the effeminate man (or was it an manish girl? No one was really sure.)
With two fingers (1) and the side of her hand (2), she "softly" and swiftly tapped the girly man (manny girl?) in the center of the spine and on the back of the skull.
Deidara went sailing across the room, flying end over end, head scraping and smashing into the floor, before crashing ass first through the wall.
"Wuh-what the-?" Kisame gaped as Deidara hung limply from the crater in the wall, arms and legs and head hanging flaccidly downward.
Hinata and Neji, who peered through the ledge by way of their Byakugan, were shocked. It was a variation to be sure, but it was still…
"J-Juken." Hinata murmured, "The G-G-Gentle F-Fist. I d-don't understand."
"How could she possibly know that fighting style?" Neji snarled angrily.
"You can call me a bitch, everyone's entitled to their opinion…" she said evenly ( giving off an aura quite reminiscent of a demon moving in for the kill.)
"You can call us worthless assholes and we won't say a word…" Hajime continued coolly.
"But the one thing, you can never call an Uzumaki…is a liar." They growled together, "No insults our family pride and gets away with it."
"Oh really?" Itachi smirked, "We'll just have to see about that now won't we?"
Hotaru and Hajime we're now ignoring The Akatsuki entirely.
"Okaaaayyeeee…how're we gonna do this?" Hajime asked.
"You could draw straws." Naruto suggested.
"Don't have any." Hotaru shrugged.
"Oh. That is a problem." Naruto said sheepishly.
"Well then, we'll settle this the way we settle everything else." Hajime sighed.
"Ya mean, beat each other within an inch of consciousness?" Hotaru asked.
Itachi and Sasuke nearly keeled over at that last one.
"Naw." Hajime said, "Wish we had the time, tho'. We'll ro-sham-bo."
"That's a great idea." Naruto smiled.
"Yeah! Isn't it though?" they grinned (fox ears! Soo cute! Want…touch!)
"Okay! Ready?" Hotaru asked, already in position.
"You know it." Hajime smirked.
"One!"
"Two!"
"Three!"
The Uzumaki twins thust their fists center; Hajime, Rock; Hotaru, Paper.
"HA-HA-HAA-HA-HA!" Hotaru laughed, "POOR PREDICTABLE HA-CHAN! ALWAYS PICKS ROCK!"
"GODDAMN IT ALL TA HELL!" Hajime roared, punching the wall and leaving a good sized crater.
"Don't get so pissed over a game of ro-sham-bo, retard!" Hotaru said cheerfully, whacking her brother on the back.
"DON'T CALL ME RETARD, YA FAT WHORE!"
"DON'T CALL ME WHORE YOU MOTHER FUCKING SUNNUVABITCH!"
"SLUT!"
"UNCLE-FUCKER!"
"DONKEY RAPING SHIT EATER!"
"BONER BITING BASTARD!"
Shikamaru and Shino stared on from above, bewildered.
"Is this…normal behavior for them?" Shino asked Ten Ten, watching the proceedings to his left.
"Mm-hmm." She sighed.
"You get used to it." Kiba groaned.
"PIG FUCKER!"
"SUPER KING KAMEHAMEHA BIATCH!"
"SHIT FACED COCK MASTER!"
"Are we going to get this over with sometime today?" Itachi drawled.
BIIIIIG mistake.
"DID WE GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK?" Hotaru snarled, an aura projection of herself (idea stolen from Ranma ½; great manga Takahashi-san!) looming over him.
"THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND THIS BOW-LEGGED BITCH!" Hajime roared, an aura projection of himself also looming over the Akatsuki leader (not really! But I'm gonna call'm that ANYWAY since we don't know who the leader really is, so NYEH!).
Itachi sauntering casually to his ranks, muttering under his breath, "Kids."
"I can not believe they just spoke to Uchiha-sama like that." Sasori murmured.
"And that Itachi-san allowed it." Kisame growled.
Hotaru and Hajime glared at each other, deep feral growls rising in their throats.
"Kay. Good luck with your fight!" Hajime waved casually.
"Thank you, brother!" Hotaru smiled, striding towards the Akatsuki.
"Huhhh? Did any of you catch what happened?" Yuhi asked, truly confused.
"Show of hands?" Sarutobi Asuma asked, puffing on his cigar.
"It's best to not try and think about it." Kiba sighed.
"It only winds up making your head hurt." Ino chimed.
"That's for sure." Naruto nodded.
"C'mon!" Hotaru called impatiently, "Lets go! Lets GO! I wanna fight!"
"That little bitch is mine." Kisame growled, storming forward.
"I get the boy after you slaughter her." Sasori growled.
"I believe this time around I'll play the role of spectator." Itachi smirked, "I am quite interested to see how this will play out."
"We aren't doing this for YOUR enjoyment." Hotaru said witheringly, glowering at the Uchiha, "We're just bored."
"Bored?" Itachi asked mildly.
"Mm-hm." Hajime replied, ignoring how Sasori was already scrutinizing him facing, "And this is just somethin' ta do ta pass the time. After all, we love a good fight."
Sasori glared at Hajime, scrutinizing him up and down looking for any possible opening in his defenses; there were none.
Kisame approached Hotaru, whose face suddenly contorted.
Her hands flew to her face, clamping over her nose.
"EEWW! Your stinky!" she cried, her hands blocking out the stench.
"What?" Kisame said blankly.
"GAWD, you REEK!" She cried.
Kisame lifted up his arm and sniffed; didn't smell a thing.
"UGH! GODDAMN!" Hotaru cried, "YOU SMELL LIKE ROTTING SARDINES OR…OR DAY OLD CANNED TUNAFISH! I HATE TUNAFISH!"
Kisame purpled slightly.
Hotaru, starting to get used to the repulsive stench (Sorry all you tunafish lovers out there. I just don't like the stuff!), removed her hands.
"No wonder ya don't smell it n'more." She grumbled in the Akatsuki's general direction, "Ya got used to the stink! Stupid Stinky Fish boy!"
"Fish…boy!"
Kisame, flying into a rage, sent a barrage of kicks and punches Hotaru's way, all of which were easily evaded.
"Aww! Touchy much, Sardine Lad?" Hotaru laughed as she eluded a swift kick by slapping her left palm on his calf (sort of a modified leap-frog) and smiling over her right fist.
"SARDINE LAD!" Kisame cried, attempting to unsheathe his sword only to have it forced back by a curse seal palm to the knuckles.
"Ah-ah-AHHH!" Hotaru sang gleefully, ripping the sword from his grip with relative ease, "Yellowtail Tots like yourself shouldn't play with knives!"
She hurled the katana at Itachi, grazing the commander's cheek, before stabbing into the wall with a -SHNK-KK-KK-.
"Th-that's impossible!" Kisame shouted indignantly, "Samehada should have absorbed your chakra on contact!"
"BLEEH!" Hajime taunted from the sidelines, sticking out his tongue, "Chakra? What chakra? Hi-chan's not USIN' ANY!"
"What?" Kisame cried, startled as Hotaru suddenly took hold of both his arms and flipped deftly over his shoulders, landing and twisting her torso viciously.
-KRAK-
"AAAAUGH!" Kisame cried. (his shoulders and elbows are oh, so close to being dislocated at this current junction)
"Awww!" Hotaru smiled, "Don't TELL me you underestimated me because of my GENDER, SIZE AND BUILD, FISH STICK!"
Kisame ducked low, managing to free himself.
"Hoo! The fishy still has some fight left!" Hotaru squealed happily, "Yay! Whoa GAWD you reek!"
"SHUT-UP!" Kisame roared.
"Sa-chan smells like Tuuuna! Sa-chan smells like Tuuuna!" she sang tauntingly as she dodged yet another punch by leaping into the air, twisting her spine like a cat and landing on his arm, "You're gonna HAFTA do better than that!" she said, smiling mischievously (fox ears and tail).
"My, my." Gai nodded approvingly, "I do believe this white butterfly in the pinnacle of youth has the advantage."
"It's not just physical strength that makes her such a strong adversary either." Temari thought to herself.
"It's her playfulness and love of battle that makes her such a fierce opponent." Kankuro thought to himself.
"She truly enjoys fighting; she and her brother both." Gaara pondered with amusement, "Combat Junkies. A dying breed...those two."
"RRRRGH! TAKE THIS!" Kisame shouted, aiming a punch at Hotaru…
-P-KAMMM-
…but she easily and gracefully flipped aside, causing the shark man to clock himself, effectively knocking himself unconscious.
"A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
Hotaru and Hajime were now doubled over, howling with laughter, tears rolling down their cheeks.
"OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS'RE TOO FUNNY! OH! OH M'GAWD! MY SIDE! A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
Itachi wasn't enjoying himself as much anymore.
This girl, "claiming" to be the Kyuubi jinchuriki's descendant had easily dispensed with Hoshigaki Kisame; a feat that should not have been possible.
"Sasori." Itachi growled, "Dispense with the boy…and deal with the girl when you're finished."
"With pleasure sir." Sasori smirked, striding forward.
Hotaru sprinted to where her brother and "Grandfather" waited (see Ch.2)
-SMAK-
"TAG! YOU'RE IT!" Hotaru cried, smacking Hajime across the back.
"Hey sis…" Hajime said slowly, "You played around with that guy a lot. Toyed with'm. Not worth your effort or somethin'?"
Hotaru simply grinned at her brother in response, hiding her pain behind it (somewhere during that battle, Kisame hit her in the same spot Gaara did).
"Hey, Hajime." Naruto spoke up, "Be careful. Despite that first victory, they still give me the creeps."
"Don't worry Naru-bozu!" Hajime smiled, ruffling his "Grandpa's" hair, "I'll be okay.
He strode out to where Sasori waited.
"Let's get this show on th' road!" Hajime said gleefully, getting into a fighting stance.
Sasori also got into position.
There was an automatic standoff.
This worked to Hajime's advantage.
"C'mon!" Hajime jeered, "Where'd Mr. Confidence go? I wanna fight some time today!"
Sasori growled as the two began circling one another like a pair of wolves preparing to fight over territory.
Sasori's mouth was twisted into a frown; his eyes narrowed in focus.
Hajime grinned like a fool, his eyes glowing with happiness and excitement of the impending fight.
"Not gonna attack?" Hajime chirped, his eyes wide and questioning, "That's cool! I WILL!"
Hajime shot forward, grinning like a maniac, as he started his assault.
Sasori attempted a punch, but Hajime ducked low and knocked the fist aside, landing a "light" kick on the bishonen's jaw, sending him careening head first into the ceiling.
Sarori bounced across the floor while Hajime stood there grinning, waiting for him to pick himself up.
"C'mon girly man!" he goaded, "I'm waaaaaaiting!"
"Sheesh! How come he didn't take advantage of that opening?" Lee wondered in disbelief.
"I wonder if it's naiveté?" Neji said under his breathe.
"Nope! He's just a dumbass!" Hotaru called up to them.
(insert anime sweatdrop here)
Sasori lunged forward, summoning one of his favorite puppets, (dunno name of puppet! WAAH! So let's just call it Satsuki, kay? o-o?) Satsuki.
"Nuh-uh, pansy-ass!" Hajime said cheerfully avoiding the puppet as it assailed him, "This is hand-to-hand! No weapons! Hi-chan? Would you?"
"Certainly." Hotaru said complacently, flipping over the sword case on her back and lobbing an unsheathed tanto at the puppet, causing it to shatter.
"There now!" Hotaru smiled, "Back to business!"
Zetsu made a move to intrude on the fight when Hotaru grinned at him, withdrawing two tanto, a pair of wakizashi, a kodachi and a nodachi from the sword case, all ready for use.
"I don't recommend you do that!" she smiled, beginning to expertly spin all six blades in her hands, "I highly proficient when it comes to swordplay. You could call me a human blender!"
"…feh…" Zetsu grumbled, returning to the sidelines.
Sasori rushing to retrieve the pieces of Satsuki, didn't notice when Hajime darted out in front of him.
-WHAK-
Hajime punched him in the back of the head.
Hajime had managed to get a firm grip around the Red Scorpion's waist and began to count aloud.
"One…two…THREE!"
He lifted Sasori upward, shifting his grip to the feminine man's hips and sent him crashing head first into the floor.
"NICE T.F.P.B. HA-CHAN!" Hotaru squealed. (Thunder Fire Power Bomb; a pro-wrestling move)
Hajime stomped down on Sasori's chest, "Thannnnk you!" he said pridefully, giving Hotaru a thumbs-up.
"This is utterly pathetic." Itachi muttered, "We're pulling out. Obviously those three have been slacking off when it comes to training."
"Till next time…Uzumaki's present and future." Itachi murmured sneeringly.
-POOMF-
"KOF! HAK! HAK! KOF! KOF!"
The Akatsuki had released a smoke bomb allowing them to escape.
Kakashi, Iruka, Tsunade and Jiraiya snapped back to reality.
"Uh-wuh? Hey! WHERE'D SHE GO?" Tsunade cried, leaping up from behind her desk. (yes, ink is still smeared all over their faces; they ain't too alert right now)
"Only one way out." Iruka nodded.
Kakashi had already sprinted out the door, wiping ink off his face.
He darted into the main vestibule and the sight of a few extra battle scars didn't shock him. It was the chatter circulating about.
"It's true!"
"The Akatsuki!"
"Just the two of'em!"
"They can't be human!"
Kakashi darted over to balcony, not seeing Neji and Hinata huddled there.
"HeyWatchOUT!" Neji cried as Kakashi tripped (tripped? Oh My FUCKING GAWD! THE Kakashi tripped? What's this world coming to?) over them and flew over the balcony.
Hotaru looked up.
"Huh? What's goin-"
-SMOOCH-
Hotaru's eyes first widened in shock…then narrowed in just barely contained fury.
Kakashi backed away from her quickly, sensing what was about to come.
"Kakaaaaaaashiiiiiii…" Hotaru hissed.
"Y-yes ma'am?" he asked politely, his heart filled with dread.
-FRAKWHAKTHAKBAKWOKTHOKBOKTHRAKBRAKKROKKA-KRAK-
It had appeared to everyone watching that Hotaru had sprouted five extra arms and had shifted 'Come Come Paradise' between all six to beat Hatake Kakashi senseless.
"Uzumaki School, Secret Jutsu; Asura's-Dance-of-Blades combined with the Beatcha-With-A-Book-Corner Technique." Hotaru managed before bursting into tears and running from the room.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MY FIRST KISS WASTED ON THE LIPS OF THAT PORNO READING PERV! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Hotaru sobbed uncontrollably as she dashed thru the halls.
(A/N: Hotaru sobs in the bathroom; The Uzumaki Twins go home with some more uninvited visitor's; Hotaru's gunning for Kashi more than ever; Kakashi begs for forgiveness? HEY! KAKASHI-CHAN DOESN'T BEG! R&R!)