"Do you really think it's a good idea to keep her here?" Harry asked Remus a few hours later, when Narcissa was asleep on the sofa, dead tired.
"It's the safest place I know," Remus replied, "I can't take her back with me, in case the Ministry decides to press charges against her. Not that they'll recognize her anyway." He shook his head, "I can't believe she cut and colored her hair. She looks so different."
Harry privately thought she now strongly resembled Tonks, her own niece, but he didn't think that it was prudent to say so. Instead, he folded his arms and asked, "Are you going to be staying here with her?"
"As often as I can," Remus answered. He could not take his eyes off her.
Harry followed Remus' gaze to the sleeping form on his old sofa. He was struck with the thought that that was not the look a man gives platonically to any woman – but again, he held back.
"I'm going to bed," he said, "Goodnight."
"Harry," Remus hesitated, "Thank you for taking her in."
Harry managed a nod, then turned and headed for the stairs.
"Harry," Remus called again. He paused.
"I saw Ginny Weasley today," he said softly, "She asked after you."
"Did she." Harry was silent. Then he said, "Tell her I'm well."
"I would," Remus replied, "if I could believe it."
Harry looked at him, his expression blank.
"She's worried about you, Harry," Remus said. "And I can't help noticing you are avoiding her."
"My reasons for what I do," Harry interrupted curtly, "are my business, and not yours, Lupin."
Remus chose to ignore his tone, "We are stronger together than we are separated, Harry. Forgive me for saying so, but your parents understood that."
Harry did not speak. He turned and walked up the flight of stairs, and Remus heard the bedroom door shut.
He sighed heavily and turned back to Narcissa.
He smiled as he realized that he'd never actually seen her sleep before today. Could it really have been only this morning that he had escorted her to Lucius Malfoy's trial? So much had happened in one day. He looked at the clock over the mantle. It was nearly three in the morning. Poor Narcissa had finally succumbed to exhaustion. Remus knew that he shouldn't be far behind, but he was too jumpy to fall asleep.
She had fallen asleep with her mouth slightly open, and one arm was thrown over her head haphazardly. He smothered a laugh as he noticed the pale shade of her gold eyelashes in the moonlight, and how much they contrasted with the brown of her butchered hair. She could never truly hide how beautiful she was – no matter how hard she tried.
"Ah, Cissa," he said to himself quietly, "We are who we are."
Her eyelashes flickered a little, and then her huge eyes opened. He started a bit, but then he relaxed when she showed no signs of being frightened.
"Remus," she murmured sleepily.
Was she remembering? Remus hurried to her side and sat on the edge of the sofa. "Are you all right?" he asked her.
"I'm fine," she whispered, "I was just dreaming."
"What were you dreaming about?" he asked.
Her sleepy blue eyes were gazing at the wall behind him, "I was – I was playing with two girls – they were older than I was."
"Your two sisters," Remus said.
She nodded, "And two boys – one of them was younger than me, and the other was older. They were my cousins. They were fighting. And Lucius was there – his parents were there to see me. I was wearing a blue dress."
"Your marriage contract," Remus nodded, "Your cousin Sirius told me about that. Your parents and the Malfoys signed a marriage contract when you were six. I'm surprised you remember that far."
She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, "I wish I could remember something more recent. Do you think I ever will?"
"Anything is possible," Remus replied, "We're lucky your husband was not a very good wizard. He could not erase your memory entirely – he could only mask it."
Her face had darkened again. Remus hastened to change the subject. Adopting a carefree tone, he laughed a little and said, "Tell me, what brought you to ruin your beautiful hair?"
Narcissa took a lock in her fingers and examined it in the dim lights. "I don't know. I panicked. I thought I would go to prison if anyone suspected me. I went into a Muggle shop and cut and dyed it. It does look awful, doesn't it?"
"Nah," Remus smiled, "It's different, is all."
She cocked her head to the side, "You know, I feel as if I knew you before. Did I?"
A chill skated up Remus' spine.
"That was decades ago," he said abruptly, "Back when we were in school."
"You were friends with James and Lily."
He turned to her quickly.
"That's how I ran into Harry," she explained, "I thought he was James."
"You remember James and Lily?"
She shrugged, "A little. Bits and pieces. Mostly the way they looked. Harry looks awfully like James."
Remus nodded.
"Did – did they have any other children?" she asked hesitantly.
"They wanted to," Remus replied, smiling in spite of himself, "James always said he wanted at least a boy and a girl. He kept pestering Lily to try for another one. She was a lot more level-headed than he was; she wanted to wait until they could were sure everything was safe, until they could come out of hiding again. They never had a chance."
Narcissa shook her head, "It's so unbelievably sad – such a waste of life."
"It was that."
"Do you have any children?"
Remus looked taken aback. Narcissa laughed at his expression.
"You don't like kids?"
"Like kids? I love kids," Remus replied, "I taught at Hogwarts for one year. And I love Harry. Now that James and Sirius are both gone – well, he doesn't need me to look after him anymore, after all – but he knows I'm there if he needs me. But no, I don't have any kids of my own."
"Do you have a wife? Did you ever marry?"
Remus shook his head, "Nothing like that."
Narcissa turned on her side and leaned on her elbow, "I love kids."
"Do you – do you have any of your own?" Remus asked her. Perhaps the quickest way into Narcissa's mind was in trying to make her remember her beloved son.
She looked crestfallen, "If I did, I don't remember. Isn't that horrible? A mother forgetting her own children."
"You mustn't be so hard on yourself," Remus replied, touching her gently on the shoulder, "In time, perhaps you will begin to remember."
She smiled at him, "I'm very lucky to have you and Harry, Remus."
Why did she have to smile so? God, she hadn't changed a bit in twenty years, had she? Remus looked at that pretty heart-shaped face, that lovely, gentle smile, and he felt his heart beat faster and faster. Just like a lovesick schoolboy, he thought with disgust. When am I ever going to learn?
"It's nothing," he said gruffly, turning away from her, "I should be going to bed now."
Narcissa's face darkened slightly, but she tried not to show it.
"Oh – all right," she said awkwardly.
Remus got to his feet and walked towards the door. Why did I get so gruff with her? he cursed himself mentally. Stupid, stupid, stupid! When was he ever going to learn?
"I – "
He stopped, and turned back to her. How could she have remained so heart-wrenchingly lovely? Her pretty face had fallen, she looked lost all over again.
"Yes?" he asked.
"Did I say something I shouldn't have?" she asked miserably. "I didn't mean to – to upset you."
More than anything in the world, Remus wanted to run back to her, to take her in his arms, and cry out, "It isn't you; it's me, it's my fault you're like this. Yes, I remember you, I was in love with you and I still am, and I'm so sorry this happened, but we're together now and I promise you I'll never let anyone hurt you ever again!" He wanted to kiss that pretty mouth, feel her lips under his, and never, never let her go again.
But this wasn't the movies, and Remus wasn't about to play the lover or the fool, not at this point in his life.
Just because he could admit it was his fault - that didn't mean that he could forget what had happened. The scars were still there, and they still hurt.
I loved her blindly, he thought. She has never known the pain of heartbreak, of losing someone. It has always evaded her. If she did, maybe she would understand why I'm putting this wall up between us.
"It's nothing you did," he replied, "Goodnight, Narcissa."
He left the room. Narcissa heard his footsteps echo as he went upstairs, and heard his door shut, as Harry's had before.
She turned over on the sofa and lifted up her wand. "Nox," she whispered, as Harry and Remus had taught her earlier. Alone in the darkness, she pulled the covers up to her neck, and stared at the ceiling.
She did not cry; she was through with crying forever. Yet she had never felt so lost in her life. The clock over the mantelpiece ticked the minutes, and still, she could not sleep. She had a terrible premonition that something was coming, something not good at all. She prayed for sleep to come, but not until the sky began to turn faintly gray outside did Narcissa close her eyes.