Author: Okay. This is entirely from Uchiha Sasuke's point of view, so naturally, it'll end up being pretty Angsty. It's my first time writing a fanfic. I appreciate any reviews, even if it's flaming. Yaoi. Purely Sasu-Naru, Naru-Sasu. It's based off of some true events from my boyfriend and me. And if you listen to any romantic song while reading, it just might fit this story. Lime/Lemon.
Rating: T for language. R for sexuality/romantic interludes.
Song: Destiny's Child – T-Shirt
Confessions
Aftershock
I couldn't pretend that I didn't care.
It was a mask I'd been wearing for a long time. I, being the "asshole" that I am, ignored it. The fact that someone had pushed that blonde-haired freak right for me, mashing our lips together. Maybe it was the-… Well, the complete absurdity of it that caught me off guard. Anyway, I covered myself with an act. That typical gruesome expression, gagging, like you know, I hated him, and ugh, it was revolting, and who did it? It was harmless. Hell, we were only twelve years old. How were we supposed to know it was wrong?
I know. The girls are all, "Wow, that guy's always brooding, but he's so sexy." And then the guys are like, "God I hate him, he gets all the girls, but he's still so cool, why can't I be like that? It's not fair." Oh, they act like they all care. I know they don't. I've always known. You'd have to be pretty stupid not to realize that those swooning girls and snobby asses aren't really there for you.
He knows. He's probably known the feeling longer than I have. But how bad is that compared to losing your entire family? You can deal with it. It's just that stupid 'longing to fit in' emotion. Everybody gets it, don't they? Well, the Dobe isn't that easily roused by sneering, or if he is, nobody knows it. Just a kid walking down the dirt road in his sandals, this dumb-ass grin plastered on his face like he's won a prize and his stomach growling like beast waiting impatiently for its food.
While you're growing up, you ignore a kid like that. It's compulsive, I guess. You don't really know he's there, you just shrug it off, like hey, he's just a retard like all the rest of them and I'm better than them. You don't really know if that idiot's the one that's going to be the same dumbshit that'll save you four years from know, and frankly you could give a fuck.
But then when you turn about fifteen years old, that light shuts off. Suddenly, you're mature. You have these narrow hips, slim waist, willowy arms, long black hair, and smooth built legs that people "die for." The girls and guys that grew up with you start to notice, and they get aggressive, you know, start trying to date, and all that. Big whoop. It's not going to be part of my life, and I'd planned that since what, how old was I – seven? T'ch. Some guys have been whacking off longer than that. But they're still the idiots you grow up with.
When you catch yourself staring at another guy's ass, it's kind of scary. Like, "Wow, am I gay, or is this just part of that adolescence thing they have going on?" I don't care about that, either. The way I see it, both males and females are capable of doing the same things… Well, I'm not getting into sex and shit, but you get the idea. The same. Yeah. But wow, when I stare at this guy's ass, it's like I get sucker-punched.
It's not just his backside that interests me. He's gotten kind of feminine over the years, and he's still shorter than me, but when I spot those whiskers on either side of his pale cheeks, I'm like oh shit, you hate this guy, remember?
I can't pretend that I don't care.
I mean, I've been sparring with him since I was twelve; it's not that I completely ignored him. I don't remember losing at all. What I do remember is that stupid-shit smile of his, and his cracked voice, and how fucking annoying he is. So when he glances my way and chirps, "Ohayo, Sasuke! Never thought I'd see you at the Ramen stand!" I just grunt and turn away. Oh, I can see his disappointment, and I feel a small pang of guilt, but it numbs just as easily as anything else I might have encountered. But then it happened.
We just sort of… Ended up together.
Sasuke Diary Entry, March 6
I don't remember much.
I think Iruka-Sensei told me if I washed the windows, he'd take me out for curry or something. 'Course, I agreed! .Snort. not even I'm dumb enough to give up an offer like that! Plus, I hadn't eaten all day long, so I was starving. But it was a really… Strange day. I went over to sneak around the back 'cause I wanted a third helping (Damn that guy, he wouldn't give me any more!) and Sasuke….
Uh… He-…
I didn't know who was behind me at first. But then I felt someone's fingers pulling at my hair so I was looking up at the ceiling, and then I could see into his eyes and they were all… Dreamy, like he didn't know what he was doing. I could feel his breath on my lips, and it was warm. So I knew we were inches away from each other. My stomach did a back flip. Why'd he do that? That bastard's gotten weird over the years, lem'me tell you! I mean shit; here I am feeling this… Melting, warm thing in my belly, and all of a sudden he pulls away and leaves me confused as hell! Wouldn't it have made you mad too? I just remember…
Walking back to Iruka with an empty bowl, blushing the whole time. He asked, "What's wrong, Naruto?" And I just muttered, "N-nothing." But he said, "Maa, it doesn't look like 'nothing.'" So I got up and left. I couldn't sleep all night.
What's he playing at? Was he taunting me? Was he trying to be an asshole? Maybe he was making fun of me…
Naruto Diary Entry, April 4
Present; One Year Later; Sasuke Age: 17, Naruto Age: 17; June 18
I wake up to raindrops pattering against the building. A roaring, crashing noise that didn't scare me enough to make my eyes flutter open; just enough to make me jolt upright and look around. I'm not scared. If you know me by now, you know that I am afraid of nothing. Still, the rapidly pounding muscle deep in my chest calms when I feel smooth, loving hands pull me back against a warm chest. It's bare, but… I can still remember the smell of heavy cologne that lings from yesterday. If anything, my arms stop in mid-shiver and respond; one hand inches at the mattress to grab at those silky sheets. Soft music plays in the background.
When you're not here
I sleep in your T-shirt
I wish you were here
To take off your T-shirt…
I hardly remember what happened in the night hours. It was a familiar, drunken, non-caring feeling that rested in my gut. Lazily, I blink an eye and send a glance behind, where it rests on the blonde, who gives a half-asleep wink, pressing his lips to my cheek. I feel a tremor numb my spine. I can't imagine wanting to leave, wanting to hate him like I always had. That emotion was hidden behind a mask. It lurked. It was dormant.
I feel him able to shift my body so that we were face-to-face, belly-to-belly. I hate this position, and he knows it, but he doesn't care. He never has. We are magnetized. I have never been able to pull my gaze from his. I still think it's weird. To hell with training today – If Kakashi wants to force us, he can march that fat ass of his down here and pry us apart, send us into the woods with angry glares and dagger stabbing glowers.
Instead, Naruto is purring, and it makes my heart melt. I know that sounds like, oh my God this isn't Sasuke, what have you done with this sexy bastard? But I'm still here. I'm real, in the flesh, and you can't change it. To make things stranger, the Kyuubi's fingers are gently caressing my sides. I can feel a beast in my stomach, slowly unfurling. Mesmerized with the petting, I blush – I'm not used to any kind of mutual touching unless I'm beating the hell out of someone.
"Don't worry. We didn't do anything."
"So how'd you end up here? How'd I end up here? What kind'a sick game is this?"
"Annou… Stop being stupid."
"I don't remember asking you to be in my room."
"I helped myself."
"Out. Now."
His look is defiant, like always. I would never tell him how much I don't want him to leave. Instead, he tilts my chin, so that our lips touch. I've never felt anything like this before. It's like… Like ice cream for example. Sweet and melting. I breathe through my nose. I think it's instinctive, but I rest an open palm against the left side of his face, thumbing one of the three crevices there. I can't stop. I am like some kind of hot and kinky, worked up alien that no one can touch but the one I'm sitting on. In fact, I am on his lap, and able to feel… Something that I am feeling at the same time. Frustrated with the tightness in my beige shorts, I tug at them, but he stops me by placing a fingertip against my lips.
"Not yet."
Is he teasing me? He knows I hate that, too. Dumb bastard.
"I'm going to beat you, Dobe."
"… This isn't a competition…" He says softly.
I am taken by surprise. I can actually feel my eyes widen. Not a competition? What is with him? He never, ever throws away an offer. Naruto turns me over, so I'm the one on bottom, and he's on top. His right hand is dipping at my beltline, pulling at the zipper and slipping the pants down so they fall gracefully down to the mid-section of my thighs. I'm not sure how to react – I just bite my lower lip and act like everything is okay. As if there's no embarrassment or problem, I can feel the kitsune youkai carrier pressing against me with his stomach and I brush digits through his golden tresses. I can barely bite back a moan. I know his Kyuubi side isn't ready for… "Mating" or whatever. He'd be acting a hell lot different… I think.
After we make love…
I'm confused that he's being romantic. But I like it. It makes me feel… Special. Somehow. I'd never ever thought about being… Well… Gay, but I'm trying to resist – I'm trying to pull out from underneath him. I'm stuck – My wrists pinned above my head. Kuso! There is a draft, and I realize that my boxers have made their way where my shorts are. I know what he is going to do. I can think of nothing to do but squirm – His fist has coiled around my length, and is tugging. Not hard, but making me think that he's trying not to hurt me. T'ch. Not that he'd be able to. I can feel my legs quiver, and I whimper, cheeks heated. I know I look flushed, and I can feel a bead of sweat trickling from my forehead to my chin. He has a soft expression, like he's only aiming to please me.
I've never done this with anyone but myself before, so I'm overwhelmed with building waves of tightness. Steadily, I'm panting, but I'm stopped when he locks lips with me again, and he pulls away for air. I arch my back when he does it harder. When my toes curl inward, I furrow my brows, breaths becoming shallow and strained. I can feel the pressure… It is becoming hard to think… All I know is that it feels good, and I want him to keep going, and I can feel the temperature rising, and I feel lightheaded. "Aah M-More…" My nails dig into the slightly messed blankets underneath us; I squirm, hips moving in sync with his hand until the pressure is leaving. I feel like I am in paradise for a few moments.
He flicks out that pink tongue of his, licking up the mess in his hand, and once he's finished, he presses another soft kiss to my temple. His thumb rids my dark hues of tears. If they were there, I hadn't noticed it. But he cleans me, applying a cloth from the floor to my arms, legs, abdomen to rid of cold sweat, and then discards it. His mouth is near my ear. I can feel his warm breath, and it makes me feel… Safe… Protected.
But before I can protest, he sits up, forces me to raise my arms above my head and pull on his navy blue shirt. It is way too big for me, but serves as a great nightshirt.
"I'll be back later… And I'll tell Kakashi-Sensei you're sick. I want you to rest for the day."
"… I want to train."
"… No. Stay here."
"But-…"
"You heard me."
Teasingly, he nibbles at my lobe and kisses me again, long and hard, telling me that he promises he won't hurt me and there are butterflies in my belly, I am nervous as hell. I feel dizzy. He nuzzles my face, embraces me for what might seem like ten long and sunny days at a beach, then pulls away and quietly moves for the door. Before he leaves, I feel, for the first time in decades, a vast loneliness, a deep sorrow that makes me want to cry.
"Stop worrying, Teme… I said I'll be back, and I mean it," he whispers.
"What if-…"
"I love you."
I am left in shock. He… Loves… Me? This has to be a dream. It just has to be. Won't we get in trouble? Not that I care, but I am suddenly afraid for him. He shuts the door, slides a "Do not disturb" pamphlet over the knob, and heads for the Konoha boundaries. I am exhausted. I can hardly wait for his return. Instead of rejecting him like you might think I would, I want to be here for him, I want to be his, and only his, and that empty spot that has been in my chest, freezing my heart, I feel has suddenly been filled with endless rapture. Shakily, I pull the comforter over my body, warm in its depths, and feel my eyes become heavy.
After we make love
I sleep in your T-shirt
Wake up in your T-shirt
To smell the scent of your cologne…
I knew that was a month ago. Since then, I felt like I was in sheer bliss. It wasn't true. I felt like he was lying to me. There were these false smiles; cheery giggles that I knew weren't supposed to be there. Over a long period of time, people began to smile and wave back, become his friends. He didn't need me any more. Or at least… That's how I felt.
While we were clomping down the dirt road to the woods one day, I could feel myself falling. My hands were shaking. My chest hurts. The memory… I could see it like a movie, playing over and over every time I looked into his azure orbs. He gave me a worried look, as if to ask, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
I swallowed against the lump in my throat. He was quiet, for once. He wouldn't talk. Sakura trailed behind, still in a fierce argument with Ino. She didn't know anything about us, and she never had. That was the way we'd wanted it. We left them near the edge, and I saw that Naruto waved to someone and ran to him. They were deep in conversation. He'd forgotten I was there.
I snuck to the side, working my way behind the brick wall of a building and staring at them. My pupils narrowed a bit – The blonde had kissed his cheek, and then kissed his lips, wrapping his arms around his neck. Everything around me seemed to slow like quick-sand and halt to a stop. I felt sick, like I was going to vomit.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. How stupid could I have been? I couldn't breathe. My ribs caved into my chest. I felt fevered. Blinded with tears, I pulled away and stumbled into the Academy hallways, one after the other, until I found an open closet. Without bothering to shut it, my bandaged knees buckled, and I fell ten miles down, biting into my soft white wrist. Why had no one warned me?
Because I didn't think he would do something like that to me. But I loved him. I know I did. I wanted him to come back to me, for everything to be okay again, both of us laughing, having sex, and dating. But it would never work out, and I knew it. He lied to me. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to. I just sat there and sobbed, my shoulders trembling and aching with the effort, eyes scrunched and raining tears.
I wanted to die. Right there, I wished the ground would swallow me up. If I had a led glass, I'd have been chewing crunch, crunch until my gums bled. My head started hurting, and so did my eyes. They were red and puffy when I finally staggered out of that closet, sniffing. Slowly, I made my way back to my room and curled up in bed. If New Years was so close, I wondered what Kakashi's goal was? My goal was to shrivel up in a corner and pass on. It's what they wanted, right?
The next morning, I thought I had the flu. Beads of sweat coated my body; and I'd suffered a heavy nightmare. I'd, as predicted, puked somewhere close to the door, and fell into a deep sleep. Kakashi sent a few medical Nin to take care of me. Iruka sat beside my bed. I woke up some four hours later.
"You've been crying," he observed.
Silence.
"Want to tell me what's wrong?"
I figured lying would do the trick. He is a Sensei, after all. I'm no Sensei's pet.
"Let's say… A friend of a friend has been cheated on."
"Okay." He gave me a look, like you have no friends and I know it so don't try that bullshit on me. I knew he didn't mean it like that.
"… That friend of a friend doesn't know what to do. His lover was with someone else. And-…"
"And… It hurts," comes his gentle voice.
I almost told him right there. I choked on the medicine a med-nin provided me, felt the lump building in my throat again. He knew. Silence again. Iruka sat back.
"He'll get what he deserves. What goes around comes around. He'll come crawling back. And when he does, hopefully you're ready. Right now you're vulnerable. If he does it when he knows the moment is right, you'll give in. What you're looking for is the ability to tell him to fuck off and die. You don't need him."
Moments later, I fell into Iruka-Sensei's arms, crying my eyes out. He hugged me tightly, cooing at me, and I could feel that he was in pain too because he obviously remembered something that happened to him. "... H-… He… It hurts, Iruka… Make it s-stop…" I whimpered. At this time, I felt pathetic. Am I allowed to cry here…?
"It's okay… It's okay to cry… Let it all out…" He reassured me, as if reading my mind. I tugged at his uniform desperately, headache raging. He must not have cared that I was sick.
That night, I couldn't sleep. I felt so… Hollow. He didn't show up like he promised. He'd always been a little late before, but now he wasn't even showing up. I didn't know whether to live with the guilt of the, what have I done thing or whether I should have gotten it over with and committed suicide. I'd lost my entire family, and now I'd lost the only person who I thought gave a shit about me. I knew I was worthless. Before, I just couldn't tell myself something like that.
I didn't hate him. I wanted him back. It was all I wanted. I was in love with him. And I was spiraling into a black abyss, unable to dig myself out. I clenched my fists, hoping, that small amount of light in a cave of darkness flooding, hoping, hoping he was just going to be much later than usual. He never showed up, though.
What will Sasuke do about his predicament? Is he really in love, or is it just an infatuation? Was Naruto really cheating? Will Kakashi give any advice? Next Chapter: Forgetting the Past, coming soon! Please read and review! For questions or comments, e-mail: