Happy Birthday To Me?
AN: I do not own Card Captor Sakura.
Chapter 5
Sakura's P.O.V.
Confusion and uncertainty.
Two very powerful words I thought I would never use outside a media form or an educational form.
A film can be confusing, jumping from one time line to the next and from one character's noir world to the following's expressionistic reality. A book can cause uncertainty, make you question the morals of the world, the why of some event and how of something. An exam question first creates uncertainty and when you move on to the following only to find that I follows on the first you were unable to answer, into confusion.
Media and educational forms have created many confusing and uncertain situations for me in the past, but I have never been faced with in real life. And I don't mean when you find yourself standing with two T-shirts in your hands that you absolutely adore, but your allowance will only permit one to be purchased.
I mean true and real utter confusion and uncertainty. You find yourself trapped in your self created room of emotion, cornered and unable to escape.
The cap of your internal soda bottle is bulging from the pressure it is trying to keep under lock and key. And you just know… You just know that any moment now that glass is going to shatter and tear your insides to shreds. It's going to leave you to bleed to death with that confusion and uncertainty drifting on your bottle cap while they laugh at you.
They'll point their ugly little bony fingers at you and laugh at you loudly and tease you mercilessly for your inability to get rid of them, your failure in solving your emotional problems.
I don't want to find myself cornered in a self made room. I don't want my bottle to shatter and tear my insides to shreds. I don't want to be laughed at and teased by cold hearted embodiments of my own emotions.
But I am so damn confused.
So confused.
Syaoran's P.O.V.
I sat at my desk playing with the little black velvet box containing the girl's wedding ring. My fingers absentmindedly twirled the box around as I balanced it on its edge, my gaze fixed on it as it spun around and around. My hand slammed down on the box and it lay silently under my palm. I bit my lip when I lifted my hand hesitantly.
There on the polished oak lay the little black box smiling up at me. Encouraging me… Yeah, encouraging me to do what? To tell the girl? No, I can't do that. She's not ready yet. She's not ready to hear it at all, but maybe…
I can be true to both the girl and myself without saying it directly, without showing it directly. I haven't lied to her yet and I do not intend to do so in the very near or very far future. She is my future for heaven's sake. If I screw up now my entire life is going to be a miserable emotional mess.
I found myself flipping open the lid and I smiled down at the plain silver polished band smiling lovingly back at me. The cold metal felt pleasant between my fingers, smooth like her skin, cold like her temper and warm as well. Warm as her eyes, begging me to solve those darn secrets she keeps locked in that small body of hers.
If only she'd open up a bit more, then I can show her.
I'll show her how it feels to be loved by a Li. To be loved by me. To be loved by Xiao-lang Li. I'll show her all the pleasures of the human touch and the enchantment of the lover's voice. I'll show her that she will never have to feel lonely and that she'll never have to be alone again. I'll show her that I will do my best to always be there for her no matter what.
I'll show her that I need her and that I long to be with her. I'll show her that imagining my future without her has become impossible and that is wish for her to always stay with me. I'll show her that she has captured my heart in almost the same manner the little Card Mistress captured the heart of her once rival, just like in the manga I caught her reading.
It's funny how rivals always turn in to be lovers in those kinds of stories. Boy hates girl, girl hates boy, and fate intervenes and sends them on a one way collision course straight into one another. And within the chaos of solving the mess they find themselves in, they find one another and learn to love each other…
We had some form of rivalry in the beginning, even before we knew each other. We hated each other for existing. If the other did not exist neither of us would have been caught in this. I remember hating the unknown girl who ruled my future. I hated her the most when my honour would not allow me to date others. I could not be unfaithful to my fiancé, even if I hated her.
My eyes lifted to my open door and I glanced down the short hallway to the living room. I know that she was there, thinking or reading. She always seems to be thinking or reading about something, trying to enrich her world with words of others and with words of her own. I hope she is thinking of me, the same way I'm thinking of her.
Rivalry to friendship, friendship to love… Would we be able to bridge the menacing river flowing between us?
My feet seemed to follow my mind and I found myself standing at the corner gazing down at the girl. The pale moonlight illuminated the intense emotions burning in her eyes while she sat staring down at the city with her legs pulled up to her body. Intense emotions burned in her eyes, emotions I have hoped not to see drowning the depth of her green.
I sat myself down behind her and pulled her up to me. She laid her head back against my shoulder and I smiled as I let my own gaze travel to the busy night city beneath us. "Thank you."
"For what?" I looked down at the girl and she smiled up at me, the emotional fire burning calming down for now. Her smile was honest and beautiful, the way I remembered her laughter and words from the first time I met her. She is honest and beautiful.
"For today. Your time and my ring." I smiled when she held up her left hand. A simple engagement band grinned back up at us and the three small diamonds teased us with winking lights.
"Anytime." I let my face drop and planted a small kiss on her cheek, but quickly with drew when I realised what I was doing. "Sorry, I didn't mean to…" I paused mid sentence when her lips crashed against my own cheek for a split second. "Okay…"
Sakura's P.O.V.
I knew he was watching me, I could feel his eyes detailing every part of my body, my face and my eyes. He always did that. He would just sit or stand somewhere and watch me, almost the same way I watch him shave in the bathroom every morning. He will just stand there and watch me for a while and then go about his own business, or sit and 'take in' my movements for a while.
He thinks I don't notice this. He thinks I don't see him watching me closely, but I do. I see him every time. The funny part is that I do not feel uncomfortable when he does it. Even on the first morning after my party he sat in my living room watching my tired face with this calm amused and slightly pleased look on his face, and I did not feel uncomfortable.
I found myself thinking 'Typically Li' when he sat down behind me and pulled me up to him. His body was warm and the steady rise and fall of his chest calming. I watched his faint reflection in the glass as he looked out onto the dark city. His dark eyes were calm and content, but a small flame of golden uncertainty danced within them, begging me to extinguish it. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For today. Your time and my ring."
"Anytime." My breath got caught in my throat when his lips softly touched my cheek. "Sorry, I didn't mean to…" I didn't give him time to finish and gave him a quick kiss back. "Okay…" This guy is hilarious. I know he wants to kiss me, I can see it in his eyes every day. I can see it every time he looks at me.
It's the same look Toya gave Yukito, the same look Dad gives mom's picture and the same look Mrs Li gave Mr Li's photograph when she told me of him.
Li looks almost just like him.
"Could you tell me about your father?"
"My father?" I nodded and a smile pulled itself onto his lips. "My father was a great man. He built the company from scratch and spent hours building it piece by piece. He never gave up on anything, not on his company nor on us. He was encouraging in his own way. Always showing at performances and matches, helping with homework or just playing with us when he had the time.
"He could be frightening though, a bit domineering. But I suppose he had to be to keep my mother from taking over the world. She's a bit too ambitious at times and domineering in her own way, but you have been at the receiving end of that already."
"I still have to apologise."
"Don't bother. She will be over the moon about this morning." I frowned as I looked up at him and he grinned down at me. "My mother likes people who can stand up for themselves. She liked you before, but now you will practically be hailed as one of her own daughters."
Hailed as her own daughter? I don't really understand what he is trying to say to me. Is he even trying to say something or is this just one of his stories? He's not Yamazaki that's for sure, but he's still capable of stretching the truth. "I don't understand. Why would she be glad I yelled at her and your cousin?"
"Because my dear…" his voice was soft and husky as he tilted my face so my eyes would not leave his. I swallowed hard as he slowly leaned closer to me. "She knows you'll be able to put me in my place if I…" My eyes widened when his lips pressed against mine and he pulled my body against his.
Thousands of thoughts ran through my mind, not one giving me an answer to what to do. Others gave me answers I would rather ignore. I parted my lips to protest. A big mistake. He deepened the kiss slightly, drowning all sound I had managed to create and I slowly felt myself surrendering to him.
Syaoran's P.O.V.
I drowned her protests with my kiss, not willing to give up now. I've been waiting to do this from the first moment I laid eyes on the girl. She tasted just like I imagined and better. Oh! So much better than I could ever imagine. The soft sweet taste of vanilla drove my senses insane and the fresh burst of mint teasing both my sense of smell and taste made me long for more.
Her body relaxed under my touch and I marvelled at the feeling of her lips against mine when she kissed me back. Soft, full and sweet, she was so much more than I could ever imagine. She is all I ever wanted and all I ever desired. She moaned slightly and I pulled her closer to me. I wanted to feel every inch of her, I wanted to explore every curve of her body and taste every corner of her lips.
Her hands tightened their hold on my shirt and dropped. Her eyes were wide and filled with some form of fear when she pulled away. "I…" She scrambled to her feet and ran to her room as I followed close on her heels. Her door slammed shut in my face and my fist landed hard on the wood.
"Sakura, open up. Open up Sakura." She did not respond. "Sakura, you can't ignore what happened. You want it as much as I do, I know you do. Why else did you kiss me back? Come on, you cannot ignore this!"
"Yes I can!" I held back a frustrated growl.
"No you can't! You can't just ignore everything you feel uncomfortable with! You cannot ignore me! I won't allow you to."
"You can't make me do anything! You're not my father Li and I'm already going to marry you. Isn't that good enough?"
"No it's not." She opened her door and walked straight past me to the living room. Her eyes were fixed before her and she did not dare look at me. I watched her practically turn the apartment upside down as she searched for something. "What are you looking for?" She ignored me and continued her search. "Sakura, what are you looking for?"
"Damn it!" She cursed and flung a cushion into the corner of the room. I suppose I should be grateful she didn't aim the damn thing at me. The temper she's in at the moment was very close to the one she had when she flung the slut into the elevator.
"Sakura, calm down. What are you looking for?"
"My note book and pencil case!"
I sighed. She has this little habit of using things and then leaving them in the most impossible places a person could possibly think of. Her sneakers and notepad being the most often misplaced objects in this place. "There, on the floor."
"Thank you."
"Listen I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"
"It's fine." With that tone of voice? I would say it is everything but fine. She picked up her note book and pencil case, making sure one of her pens or pencils did not roll onto the floor and under something as it did the day before. She was everything but fine and I was not about to give up just because some girl has a temperamental problem, even if does scare me a little.
"No, you…"
"I said it's fine." She snapped at me and I grabbed her arm before she could walk away from me again.
"No it's not fine! You are not fine! Now stand still for one damn second and tell me what is bothering you." I want to hear her say it! I need to hear her say it! I need to hear her say that…
"Damn it Xiao-lang! Not every one likes to talk about what's bothering them! And I am one of them! So stop asking me. I don't want to talk about this. I never want to talk about this or us! Do you understand? NEVER!"
Sakura's P.O.V.
I ignored him as I walked past him down to the living room I need to find my note book and my pencil case. I lifted the news paper and cursed when I couldn't find it. Under the table, the couch, in the kitchen, under the chair, in the bookcase… I needed it now. I felt frustration running through me and Li kept asking me what I was looking for.
I needed it!
I need it to get away from him! I need to get away. I am not going to cry again. Not in front of him! I am never going to cry in front of him ever again and I am certainly not going to cry about him. "Damn it!" I flung a cushion to the corner of the room.
"Sakura, calm down. What are you looking for?"
"My note book and pencil case!"
"There, on the floor."
"Thank you."
"Listen I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"
"It's fine."
"No, you…"
"I said it's fine."
He grabbed my arm before I could pass him once more. "No it's not fine! You are not fine! Now stand still for one damn second and tell me what is bothering you."
"Damn it Xiao-lang! Not every one likes to talk about what is bothering them! And I am one of them! So stop asking me. I don't want to talk about this. I never want to talk about this or us! Do you understand? NEVER!"
His eyes widened and I felt ashamed for saying what I said. "I… I did not mean to push you… to invade your privacy… I…" He let go of my arm and his hand fell in defeat next to his body.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell, I just… I don't know what to do, okay?" He looked at me and I forced the tears back, my voice, however, disagreed with my action and I cursed it for giving me away. "I don't know how to handle this or you for that matter! And I don't know where I want this to go."
"Sakura…"
"Shut up and listen, will you? I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I have never felt like this before. I always know what I want and I always know what to do to get it. Now I don't know what I want! I don't even know what the hell to feel!"
"Confusion is part of life."
"But not my life Li! There is no room for confusion, not in the real life. I'm suppose to hate you with everything I've got! I am supposed to hate this place and this situation and the people! I am supposed to hate your mother. The angels know I would love to hate her for dragging me all across this city, but I can't. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!"
I pushed him roughly and he stumbled slightly, socked at my action. "I don't even know why the hell you made peace with this situation. I suppose we don't really have a choice, but you of all people… Why did you give up so quickly?"
"I did not give up!" His voice was strong and domineering, equal and eager to match mine. "I did not give up. I never give up!"
"Then what the hell happened?"
"I gave in."
"What?" Of all the answers he could give I was not prepared for this one. He gave in? What is that suppose to mean? And who did he give into? His mother? She is a control freak, but for heaven's sake he's a grown man. She couldn't possibly posses so much power over him could she?
"I did not give in to my mother." I frowned at him. "You have this little habit of frowning whenever you think about my mother or when her name is mentioned. No, I did not give into her. I gave into myself."
"Yourself?"
"You're a smart girl Sakura. Figure it out." I watched him walk to his study and close the door behind him.
"What the hell is that suppose to mean? Li?" I sank to the ground as I watched the closed door. What is that suppose to mean? Please Li, I don't know what to think or to feel. Please… "Xiao-lang please!"
AN: HALLO! Sakura is confused… Poor girl. Noticed how she tries to escape her own feeling by asking Li random questions, like asking him to tell her about his father? Some of you might have caught onto it, others not. Oh and did you notice something else? Something else she never did before? Tell me what you noticed and I will let you know in the next chapter if you made a correct observation or not.
Yes Elithil, it is I. I am the author of Snow White and several other stories, but let's not go into that. But thank you for noticing, I suppose(?). And Bookworm1214, if you read more closely you would have noticed that I used "u" instead of "you" in only the SMS Tomoyo sent Sakura. It was suppose to show that she was reading a text message or four. (Chapter 2) You were the first to make a comment on it, though. Thanks.
NB! PLEASE: My exams are starting the 30th of May until about mid June, so Chapter 6 will be late. I have to prioritise here and let's face it, varsity comes first. So please be patient.
Thank you for all your great reviews!
Tella