Difficult To Love

***I do not own Avatar

Canon AU - Aang (18)/Katara (19)

"Do you think in another life we could've been together?"

"I don't know, Katara. Its up to you..." He took a moment to pause, thinking about the right thing to say. "It always has been..."

Her gaze shifted from the sunset to the teenager sitting beside her... but she found that to be a fatal mistake. Katara often noticed that whenever she would catch a glimpse of the airbender beside her, she for the life of her could not look away. Not even the satisfying warmth of the Fire Nation's sunset could compare to the longing and heat generated from his gaze. Not even the calming seas brushing against her feet could compare to the familiarity and gentleness contained within his touch. Not even the rough yet gentle feel of the sand beneath her could compare to the resolve and strength held within his eyes. And not even the most dangerous or soothing winds could compare to the tornado of emotions held in his free spirit; emotions ranging from sadness, anger, joy, fulfilment, disappointment, and love. Love most of all, that is the first thing she felt from him. Whether it was for a random passing by stranger who he'd regularly greet, or the crying child who he'd usually cheer up with his marble trick or some ice cream, or just the way he'd look at her – love was always present. It was only a couple years ago that all other emotions began to take the light, but they hadn't yet – and she was sure that he wouldn't allow his spirit to waver, no matter how enticing it was to let go and give into despair.

"Not exactly..." Katara suddenly spoke.

"Hmmm?"

Letting out a breath she didn't know she was holding while examining the airbender beside her, Katara had thought previously that she'd just talk to him; keep it professional or speak to him in a manner similar to Iroh, or at least as a friend. But it was beginning to become a much more difficult task than she had previously anticipated.

"Its not exactly my choice. My father's forcing me into this. I -"

"But you love him."

It was a statement, but to her, it sounded more like a question. Sure... she loved him. She loved him in most ways a teenage girl her age would. She loved the way he was dark and mysterious, like most teenage girls would. She loved how tall and attractive he was, like most teenage girls would. She loved his scar, how it made him seem dangerous and cool, like most teenage girls would. She loved how quickly he eased into the mantle of the Fire Lord, how he took control yet asked his best friend for advice whenever he was lost, like most teenage girls would. She loved how he was mature and much more of a man than a troubled teenager, like most teenage girls would. The only problem Katara found however, was that she was not like most teenage girls.

"Yeah, I think I love him..."

"Don't kid yourself Katara, you love him. You made it pretty clear to me all those years ago." Aang stated while gazing out into the sunset, his eyes not wandering even once to meet hers – for he knew, that even for a moment, if he allowed himself to stare into her vast, so full-of-live, cerulean, loving ocean eyes, his entire resolve and his act would break. Crumbling into tiny pieces of shards, like the foundation of his heart a couple years ago.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't want it to come out like that but it just did and-"

"Water under the bridge, Katara." Sighing deeply, he looked to his right, viewing the vast rays of the sun highlighting the amazing mountain range embedded within the Fire Nation. "Just let it go, Katara. I have. Why hold it in?"

She honestly did not know. It was all in the heat of the moment. Aang would not listen, being a fifteen-year-old teenager only seemed to make him moodier and that didn't bode well for the situation. Katara knew she had to let him down, but she didn't want to. And she didn't know why. After all, nothing happened between them; after the war, he made no effort whatsoever to tell her how he felt, and she just kept waiting, and waiting, and waiting. She understood that what happened between them at Ember Island may have somewhat pushed him away, so she tried talking to him. But either he wasn't listening, or nothing was actually getting through to him as he remained just as clueless as ever. It didn't matter, she did what had to be done, her duty to her tribe came first – right?

"I don't know. I guess I just feel bad about the way I handled the whole situation. I never meant for us to fight and grow apart the way we did..."

Although she resisted, the urge to won out, and soon, she was left crying – after years of holding everything in, a solitary moment with an airbender was all it took to break through that dam of suppression and let flow the cries of pain, regret and heartbreak. He didn't need to set his gaze on her to know what was going on, he didn't need to feel the disturbance in the earth surrounding him nor did he need to hear the erratic movement of the waves of the beach – he could feel it. Like a sixth sense: she was in trouble, she was in pain, and he could feel it. Still not averting his eyes from the sunset, Aang reached out to press his hand against her naked shoulder firmly, however, it wavered in the air for a second before it eventually found its purpose and landed, to comfort a suffering girl. He knew why he hesitated; if her simple gaze could break his resolve, then how could he possible survive skin contact? He was sure his act would crumble instantly – and yet, it didn't. Instead, a feeling of familiarity washed over him, like the waves crashing against his feet; they reminded him that no matter how long they may take to return, they always would. And so, there it was, that feeling, no matter how hard he tried to supress it or ignore it or let it go, it continuously reminded him that it was always there, and would never abandon him – and he loved it. In a painful-hopeless-romantic-sadist type of way, but he loved it, nonetheless. The same way he loved her...

"I never wanted us to stop being friends either, I loved you after all", Aang admitted out of the blue.

That admission was all it took for Katara to stop flooding her face, hands and clothes with her tears... an admission she had already known of before. Well, she didn't exactly know of it, but she felt it; she felt his love for her whenever he looked into her eyes pleadingly. She felt his love for her whenever he held her hand and rubbed her knuckles soothingly. She felt his love for her whenever he cupped her face and wiped away her tears with his thumbs. She felt his love... she didn't need to hear him say it, although hearing him say those words out loud... to her... for her... it sure felt amazing.

"First time I'm hearing of it." Katara replied teasingly, wanting to deter away from her unresolved feelings and instead focus on the airbender beside her.

"You knew", was all Aang said. Nothing more needed to be said if she was honest. Yes, she knew. She felt it of course. He loved her and she was stupid to think otherwise. However, nothing could be done about it now; she was betrothed, the soon to be married Fire Lady. Her duty was to the Southern WaterTribe; they required support from the Fire Nation and the only solution both parties could agree upon, was the marriage between Princess Katara and Fire Lord Zuko. He was present in the meeting when the matter was brought up, and it broke Aang's heart. Even after he had given the world everything; a harmless Ozai, a restructured Fire Nation, a stable United Government, a world with little to no poverty, a world without a war – even after all that, he was still denied the one thing his heart desired. So, because he did not want a peace treaty to dissolve into another war all due to his feelings towards a special waterbender, Aang all in all stopped trying. Even after Katara tried to make amends and tell him she felt the same, he blocked her out. In his mind, after hearing the news of the possible marriage of his best friend and the girl he loved, he thought she never felt the same in the first place. He was wrong – obviously – but he couldn't help it. Katara and Zuko's friendship had only being growing stronger since the war was over, and he had a feeling that she did in fact love him. So, he gave up...

"Why did you give up on me Aang?", Katara asked suddenly, almost as if she was reading his mind along with a certain determination in her eyes; one he hadn't seen since the war.

"Because I love you."

"That doesn't make sense!" She snapped, clenching her fists in anger as the waves of the beach became more violent the more her temper rose. "If you loved me you would've fought to keep me. You would've fought for me. You would've fought my dad, my brother, Zuko!". No longer holding back any tears, Katara shifted her position so that now she was on her knees, facing the Avatar who sat on the sanded texture with his feet laid out, brushing against the salty water. Giving him all her attention, her voice and anger rose to greater unforeseen heights as she continued, "You should've fought the entire world if you loved me! But no. You gave up... and just ran away."

"I'm the peacemaker, Katara. The Avatar doesn't pick fights against world leaders simply because he has feelings for a waterbending princess." He replied while sighing, still facing the sunset.

"Then what about Aang?" Katara settled down, though her anger was still visibly present, she spoke in calm yet hurt and harsh manner as she continued to rain her frustrations regarding him, "Sure, the Avatar can't fall in love or pick battles, whatever. What about Aang?"

"Aang still loves you."

"Then why didn't he fight for me? If he loved me, why did he let me go?"

"Its because he loved you that he let you go." Sighing again, Aang knew it would be a mistake, but her searing gaze was too much for him to not compete with. So, leaning in somewhat closer, Aang panned his head to his left, his gaze meeting hers. "Its because I loved you that I let you go. I only wanted the best for you, and, seeing you being happy with Zuko... knowing that I couldn't give you that, I chose to let you go."

"But that was after the fact. Zuko and I only grew close after you – and at first, I didn't even know why he was making an effort to comfort me. I thought it was just because you left but then –"

"Your dad told you." Katara nodded in agreement, not wanting to recount all the bad memories of the previous years. "Trust me, I didn't want to leave. I was just constantly on edge and then they completely blindsided me during that meeting and..." Aang looked towards Katara again, noticing how she was tugging her hair – something she usually did when she was nervous or uneasy, and he hated himself for making her feel that. "I'm sorry, Katara. I never wanted to leave..." Sighing again, Aang tried to compose himself so he wouldn't get into another screaming match with her; the last time he did, it didn't end so well. Looking into her eyes pleadingly, Aang took notice of how they seemed to glimmer with just a tad bit of what seemed to be hope. So, he thought carefully about what he was going to say, "I never wanted to hurt you. I just realised how selfish it would be of me to try to hold you back when you were more interested in Zuko and I – I didn't know what to do. Other than to leave and let you be happy without having to face me every day."

"So, you just left." Katara stated with bitterness, all her built up anger was returning and with a vengeance, "How did you think I would feel if my best friend, the man I -", Katara caught herself, not wanting to admit how she was feeling even though his feelings were clearly out in the open. She didn't know why but it made her feel weak, and vulnerable – especially now more than ever since she knew there was no way they could be together. And yet, she still fought that notion; a small part of her holding onto the shard of what could've been. "And why would you just assume that I liked Zuko in that way?! What made you immediately fall to that conclusion?"

"I just- I thought..." Feeling unable to explain himself, Aang let out another shaky breath before he challenged her again, "Why does it even matter? You're in love with him. You're his fiancé for spirits sake. Why are we even discussing... us?"

She didn't know how to reply as she herself did not understand why she had even brought this up in the first place. A minute ago, they were just walking along the beach, taking a moment away from the pleasantries to catch up after not seeing each other for years, and now, literally a minute later they were fighting... again. However, despite everything he said, Katara couldn't get over the fact that Aang could just openly admit he loved her but never even allowed the possibility of her loving him back to live in his heart. As if it were some deluded fantasy of his. Like it was completely unheard of for a girl like her to actually want to be with a kind, gentle, funny, sweet and thoughtful boy like Aang. Like it was mandatory for her to fall for an emo, grumpy, dark, awkward and moody teenager. Like she was meant to be like every other girl. Like she was supposed to live up to society's ridiculous delusions. And yet, she found herself doing just that – and she hated it.

"I didn't give up on you, Katara." Aang spoke softly, not wanting to scare her while she was in deep thought as he continued with his confession, "I didn't give up on you. I let you go – there's a difference. I let you go so you could marry someone you actually loved." Looking into her eyes, which was a big mistake as his resolve was already beginning to break again, Aang saw her tears returning, and he tried to help her keep her hopes up. "Look on the bright side Katara!" he replied cheerfully. "You're marrying the Fire Lord, someone who helped save the world, and has a cool and mysterious personality, and is caring... well, in his own way." Aang snickered, feeling satisfied when Katara smiled at his playful remark before he finished speaking. "Oh, and not to mention that cool scar. You hit the jackpot, Katara! You're marrying the one person most girls can only dream of."

He was right, but wrong at the same time – for Katara wasn't like most girls. Sure, most teenage girls would love all that other stuff, but that wasn't her. She could care less about any of that, as far as she was concerned, Aang wasn't giving himself enough credit – as per usual.

"Aang, you're pretty much describing a different and slightly dumbed down version of yourself."

Intrigued, Aang raised an eyebrow, amused that she was insulting her fiancé for him as he asked, "How so?"

Not wasting another moment and completely forgetting about their argument, Katara leaned up and spoke with such fascination that Aang would've thought she actually loved him if she were any giddier, "Well, for example, Zuko may be the Fire Lord, ruler of the Fire Nation etc. But you're the Avatar! Not to mention the most kind, gentle, caring, exciting, fun, sweet and perfect person in the world. And please, a scar? Yes, girls do find scars attractive, but you forget. You also have a scar! Not to mention those tattoos! If I wasn't betrothed, I'd say your tattoos are the sexiest thing about you." Unaware of what she had just admitted, Katara continued with her comparison while Aang chuckled softly as he grinned at her almost manic state, "And you are so much more mysterious than Zuko. I mean, I know a lot about Zuko... like how he got his scar, who his parents, grandparents and great grandparents are. How he likes to keep his hair down more so than up, how much he adores firecrackers, and what he was like when he was a child. But you... I don't know the simplest things about you. Like, who are your parents? Who gave you those eyes? Where were you born? How and why are you so different compared to all the other boys? Oh, and who's smile is that? You're a complete mystery Aang!" Coming out of her manic state, Katara finally realised what she may have sounded like and immediately recoiled, "Wow, did I really just say all that?"

Chuckling for a good moment, Aang too leaned up so he was at eye level with Katara as he replied, "I don't know my parents. My eyes are a mixed variant of all airbenders, waterbenders, earthbenders and firebenders – more airbender-ish than the others though. I was born in the Western Air Temple. I am different because I respect everyone and try to appreciate every little thing in life – hence my cheerful and optimistic nature. And as for this smile..." Looking deeply into the waves swirling around in her eyes, Aang shot Katara that same soft smile she grew to know and love. A smile that brought on an exciting thrill while also a calming demeanour. A smile that caused her heart to beat rapidly while also causing her to forget all worries as she'd drift off into her own little dream land without a care in the world. "Well, my smile, Katara... belongs to you. Always has... always will."

Beaming at him, Katara smiled sadly as a few tears of joy streamed down her face – marvelling at how he knew exactly what to say to make her better and impressed at how he completely changed the topic to 'how lucky she was' just to cheer her up – which unintentionally made her completely forget about their previous argument and how painful it felt to think that Aang never thought she loved him in the first place – when she actually did. They fell into a peaceful silence again, the sunset along with the revelation of exactly how much they cared for each other providing them with the warmth they needed. However, the cold cloudy reality that they could not be together still lingered above their heads. She understood what Aang meant; of course, she was lucky. Zuko was a great person and would make a good husband. Most teenage girls would love to be betrothed to the Fire Lord. Yet, again, Katara was not like most girls. She didn't care for titles, or luxuries, or palaces, or dark and gloomy personalities, or cool scars or dashing good looks – although she certainly didn't mind them considering she found herself constantly admiring the Avatar's new physique and charming looks. Instead, her concerns were with that of the heart, the mind and the soul. She wanted someone who could pull her out of her state of depression when she often thought of her mother, with kind words of reassurance, awful jokes and cheesy remarks of love – something Zuko could not do. She wanted someone who could tell her the truth, confide in her, tell her everything and not lie to her – and after hearing about how Zuko and Mai broke up, she knew that was something Zuko would not do. She wanted someone who could cheer her up, turn her dullest day into a rainbow filled amusement park. She wanted someone who could shine a light during some of her darkest nights, provide her with a subtle or literal romantic setting when she felt alone, assure her she was the most beautiful girl in the world when she felt insecure, and pepper her with kisses when she felt in need of attention. Even though she knew it was certainly wishful thinking, it was something she wanted, something that she had already somewhat experienced in her travels during the war – yet it was something Zuko did not give her. But Aang could, would, and has, she thought.

"Could there ever be something more between us?"

"Why do you keep going back to the same thing? The girl I love is getting married and I have to sit there and watch while I congratulate the both of them, do you think I -" Steadying himself, Aang took another moment to breathe and compose himself before he eventually asked, with frustration and whatever speck of lingering hope that was left, "You love Zuko, so why even bother with a possible future with me of all people?"

'Because I love you!', was what she wanted to say – but what she said was, "I – I don't know."

Fuck! Why can't I just tell him? He's already told me he loves me numerous times. So, why can't I? Feeling disappointed regarding her reluctance regarding expressing her true feelings for the airbender, Katara set her gaze upon him as she analysed Aang with fascination. He didn't seem to notice at first since his eyes were closed., yet they perked up when Katara asked:

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"How do you find a way to love me, even after knowing that at the end of the day, I'll probably be with someone else?"

"Because I love you, I don't own you..." Aang answered, staring deeply into her ocean eyes for a moment before setting his gaze back onto the sea, "Society's conceptions of love mostly centre around two people 'belonging' to each other; as if they're each other's 'property'. In our society, its frowned upon to even talk to a girl if you're already dating another girl. Husbands ban their wives from meeting other men since they 'belong' to them. They act as if their supposed loved one is an 'item', a 'property'." Letting a tear roll down his cheek, Aang turned to see that Katara was completely intrigued by this notion and was silently waiting for him to continue. "The airbenders believed that love, in its simplest form, was an unwavering gift from the universe – something that holds immense power. I love you, Katara. And because I love you, I had let you go... cause if I held you back, then I would be being selfish. And love – at its purest – is selfless. I don't need to be with you to continue loving you."

Katara shuffled around, moving closer to the airbender as she skidded across the sandy shore, "Is it difficult, loving me like that, knowing your love isn't being returned?"

Noticing their distance, Aang leaned in further to the point where his cheek was brushing softly against hers, subconsciously causing her to sigh in relief and satisfaction as she was awarded the warmth she yearned for, for years. Feeling his hot yet refreshing breath against her skin, Katara inadvertently leaned her head against his shoulder as he softly whispered in her ear, "It's the most beautiful feeling in the world."

She let out a whimper of frustration and disappointment when Aang pulled back, however, the relief of his skin on hers returned when he cupped her cheek. Leaning her head into his touch, Katara covered his tattooed hand with her own as he clarified, "I've tried to find love somewhere else, but the power of my unrequited love for you is beyond comparison. Unlike other relations, this isn't something that's shared between two people." Leaning in further, Aang was mere centimetres away from her lips as he spoke, "Only I have a right to it, it's my truth... my love."

"But it's not unrequited..." Katara added, between her tears and shaky breaths. "Aang, I should've told you this a lot sooner, but... all I want is to live in a world where you and I become one. One where we don't spend the rest of our lives worrying about what other people think. One where we do something selfish... for once in our lives become selfish and take each other for ourselves. All I want, is for you to know that I love you..."

"And yet, I still can't have you." Aang immediately answered. He himself felt defeated as Katara was openly begging him to take her, to not allow the world to keep them apart. She was openly admitting her love for him which he at first thought was unrequited. And yet, he knew deep down that if he attempted to require it, he could ruin everything; he could throw the entire world into disarray by taking the Fire Lord's soon to be wife as his own, anger the Southern WaterTribe for ruining their only chance at prosperity, and possibly cause another war – which was the last thing he wanted to do. Yet, upon witnessing the tears strolling down her eyes, he could not find it within himself to fight her. "Okay Katara, just this one moment, I'll be selfish... for you."

Not wasting another second, he closed whatever gap there was between them and soon, the two found each other participating in an earthshattering kiss; one that had been building up for years upon years. All unsung feelings, self-inherited doubts, undeserved heartbreaks and bodily frustrations were poured into what started out as a sweet yet passionate kiss, only to become an all-out make-out session. Wrapping his arms around her waist, Aang felt Katara's tongue roam around the inside of his mouth freely as her hands traced the tattoos and felt his back muscles. They both let out a soft moan when Aang's member accidently rubbed against her heat and, even though he wanted to keep going, he knew what he was doing was wrong. So, although hesitantly, he pulled away. With a loud groan of frustration, Katara tried to pull him back in but Aang protested by firmly holding her shoulders, preventing her from making another mistake – although, from the way she kissed him and seemed to want more, Aang recognised that she didn't seem to think that it was a mistake at all.

The two benders sat there on the shore, embracing each other while on their knees, wondering that if they had just tried to fight for each other all those years ago, then maybe things would be different now. However, it was already too late; the wedding would be held within a couple days and after that, Katara would be named the new Fire Lady. Aang knew that, but Katara wanted to protest it.

"I know you don't want to let this go, but you have to." Leaning back a bit, Aang brushed a few locks of her chocolate hair that were covering Katara's beauty as he continued, "Its like you said all those years ago, you have a duty to your people, and I have a duty as the Avatar. It's for the best..."

"Then why can't I let it go?" Katara interrupted, "All I want is a life in which you and I are together. If my current life is for the best, then why does a one with you sound so much better? Why can't we just tell the whole world 'No!', and be with each other?"

"Other than possibly starting another war... it would be because our life would still be far from perfect. Even if you choose me, people will still judge you. They'll begin to think for you, they'll say you should've been with Zuko. That he was a better fit for you. That you two understand each other, that your elements being opposite mean you were meant to be; from enemies to lovers. They'll reflect their desires, their wants, their fantasies... onto you, and they'll judge you for choosing me. And I don't want you to regret choosing me."

Swiftly, Aang stood up and dusted the sand off him using a mixture of airbending and sandbending. Although he wanted to leave immediately, not wanting to be caught having another 'moment' with the future Fire Lady, he recognised by the way she was looking at him that she still had some unresolved and unsung feelings regarding their situation – and Aang knew better than anyone that she needed to let it out. So, as he stood there, he held out his hand for her to grab – which she did – as he helped her onto her feet. Using airbending and sandbending to dust her off as well, Aang waited for Katara to set her gaze back onto him before she spoke:

"The only thing I regret is not fighting for you. For agreeing to my nations' and father's demands so easily. For not telling you how I felt and for spending all those years away from you. But... I know that there'll be nothing more for me to regret than if I were to marry someone I didn't love." Now being the one to cup his cheek, Katara tilted his head so that he was looking her dead in the eye as she spoke, "I don't care about what other people think. I don't care if they think they know what's best for me... because they don't. They may reflect themselves onto me, but I never have and never will allow them to deter the feelings I have for you. I knew I loved you from the moment you woke up in my arms and that has never changed." Taking a moment to wipe the tears that had now traced his cheeks, Katara leaned further in while still cupping his face. Pushing his chin up gently, Katara leaned in to peck his lips before admitting, "I love you... and I don't want to love or marry anyone that isn't you." Looking pleadingly and longingly into his eyes, Katara rose to stand on her tiptoes as she silently asked him if he would stand by her, fight for her, and love her back.

However, just to make it clear to him, Katara spoke again as to clarify what she meant, "If you still love me and want to be with me, meet me here tomorrow at 7 pm. If not then... well, I guess I'll have my answer."

Fearing the worst, she leaned in again and this time, took his lips for her own as she crashed against them. Katara was afraid that tonight may be the last time she'd see him again and she didn't want him to leave without two loving memories to remember him by – also, she just wanted another taste of him as she felt she was getting a sugar rush. Aang was at first surprised by the act, but he slowly felt that he could no longer deny his desire for her, nor could he deny how amazing it felt to finally have her in his arms. Slowly, he reached out and tangled his hand in her long locks of chocolate hair while the other travelled to the small of her back, tugging her closer to him as she dangled her arms around his neck; one of them travelled upwards and grasped onto the back of his head, giving him no chance to escape her while the other ran down his back again, feeling his exposed back muscles as they shivered and subconsciously flexed at her touch. After a short while of clashing tongues in heated make out session, Katara and Aang both realised it was getting late, and not wanting to get caught, Katara leaned back, shot him a sad smile and left – but not before pecking him on the lips again while she was leaving.

With her trailing across the sandy shore, travelling further away from him, Aang couldn't help but think that everything they were doing was wrong. Katara was knowingly cheating on her fiancé and Aang was involved. Everything about this was wrong – except Aang came to recognise that he in fact found pleasure in this little act of mischief. They loved each other, what more of a reason did they need?

As he slowly began walking back to the palace, Aang made up his mind:

If our love is at stake... then we'll put everything at stake. What's there to fear? If we win then that's marvellous. But even if we lose, its not a loss.