True Love Waits Chapter 12
Adam Kadmon
Disclaimer: like the last eleven times, and for every other time, I do not own Evangelion or Radiohead. I hate writing disclaimers. Because they force me to realize just how empty my life really is.
Pre-story note: this is a new chapter, one I created out of thin air. This is in response to my fears about how the ending will go over, and my pathetic desire to please others. So to that end, you'll notice it's double sized. Also, I decided I should finally earn the M rating on this. Think of this installment as my own little diet chapter with a lime twist.
Time to disappoint sedemihcrA again, and on two fronts.
"Ikari Shinji!"
"Huh?"
He glanced at the microwave's digital clock in his kitchen, noting with no small amount of ire that it was just past twelve. He suppressed a groan of exhaustion as he abandoned the complicated preparation of toast and made his way to the front door. It was his day off, and while he normally didn't let himself sleep any later than nine, the physical aspect of his relationship with Misato required a healthy dose of recharging, more than he was used to. It was just that she liked sex. A lot. And being with her, even on the verge of passing out from fatigue, he found himself unable or unwilling to ever tell her no. Somehow, he didn't think the headache excuse would work on her anyway.
"I'm coming," Shinji called out as the blows continued to rain on his door. He noted, almost subconsciously, on how dusty his apartment was. There was a fine film of grey covering his couch and coffee table, and the box that still housed his television. Not like I spend much time here anymore, anyway.
"Open up!" the voice yelled again, disturbingly familiar.
"Who is it?" he asked, too tired to use the spyhole or even worry.
"The JSSDF!" More pounds.
It was with numb obedience to any and all authority figures that Shinji unlatched the chain and opened the door. He barely noticed his back fire in sympathetic pain. It was also with a detached sense of reality that he watched a red and purple blur fling his door wide and barge into his home.
Katsuragi Misato, in full military regalia, stepped into his apartment with one, long stride, and kicked the door closed after her. The dark blue, near black really, and red trim of her uniform gave the illusion of height and professionalism. In any other situation, the officer's hat tilted on her head would appear cute. But being presented with the entire package at the same time, and being only the second time he saw her dressed like this, the overall effect was one of danger and authority. She was even wearing her sidearm, Shinji noted.
"Uhh…" he croaked, trying hard to reconcile the past few minutes since he woke up. "Is there something I can do for you?"
Though her face remained stony, angry even, her eyes were lit with something a touch more… mischievous. No, that wasn't it. Playful? Amused? Shinji knew he'd seen it before, but it was hard to focus on something as subtle as another human being's hidden emotions right now, even if they were displayed behind those gorgeous brown eyes he loved. It seemed he had loved them for as long as he could remember. And as he was currently both crushingly tired and confused, his entire memory consisted of little over twenty minutes.
And as he looked again it was gone. Vanishing as quick as it appeared, replaced with stolid determination.
"Up against the wall. Now."
It dawned on him that she was not joking. Something was making her act incredibly serious, more so than he had ever seen her before. His eyes absorbed her uniform again, and a slow sense of fear blossomed in his head.
"Is… is something—"
"I said now."
She spun his body and pushed him against the wall by his couch, pressing herself to him. Without warning, her hands roughly ran over him, even to places deemed inappropriate during sex. Shinji realized, after about a solid minute of this treatment, that it was nothing but a very unusual form of frisking. The realization did not stop his body from reacting, though.
"Ah," Misato said, her hands gripping the front of his pants. "What's this? A concealed weapon? You know those are illegal, don't you?" She unzipped him with a savage tug.
Shinji began to panic.
"What… what do you think you're doing?" he asked, knowing full well what she was doing. "What are… hey, wait a second—"
Click.
Shinji blinked, feeling cold metal over his wrists.
What the hell?
"Resisting an officer in the JSSDF is a punishable offense," she said. "Maybe with a little good behavior I'll take the cuffs off you."
Handcuffs. A shiver of… something ran down his spine. He forgot how tired he was.
"Mi-Misato-san…?"
"That's captain Katsuragi."
True Love Waits
Chapter 12
Misato hurried into the main bridge, unconsciously combing her hair with her fingers. She tried to remember where she left her scrunchie. Then she did remember, and decided it was better she didn't have it. She nearly ran into Ritsuko's back, lost in the powerful memories of the past hour. The aborted tackle did not stop the doctor, after an extended blink, from bristling though.
"Glad you decided to come back to work. I thought you got lost in line for lunch."
"Oh, ah, sorry. I guess I'm a bit late."
"A bit late?" Ritsuko asked incredulously. "Break ended over forty minutes ago. Where the hell were you?"
"A friend got tied up. I had to help out."
The doctor stared at her, shaking her head slightly.
"Come on," the captain said, chuckling. "What's got your panties in a twist?"
Ritsuko sighed, and Misato noticed how exhausted she really looked.
"Could you try to be professional, at least for a few hours? Today's a big day, you know."
"Yeah, yeah, I know."
"Well, you say that…" The blonde snorted softly. "Forget it. I don't care where you were. Just get it together. We're almost ready to proceed."
"Serious cap is firmly in place, doc." She saluted. "Awaiting your go ahead."
Ritsuko snorted again.
"Grow up," she said, her voice declaring the dialogue was over. She turned away.
Misato sighed. Was this how she pictured herself at nearly thirty years of age? Sneaking out at lunch from work to indulge in one of her oldest (and now fulfilled) fuck fantasies? Of having her more exotic itches getting scratched by, in her mind, the single most passive male on the face of the planet? And finding herself enjoying every second of it?
Misato was not naïve. She surprisingly held few of her faults from her own mind. She was aware of how others perceived her, and found herself genuinely disinterested with what they thought. At least, that was what she liked to tell herself.
She liked power. It was a reality she had long ago realized, and had since made peace with. Power was a very pleasant thing to her. Hell, she loved it. Got off on it. Her father taught her that power meant control, and control meant security. Once secure, happiness was easy to obtain. Granted, her father had never been happy, or even content, but they both chalked that up to him never having as much power as he wanted. That, and the alternative in her mind, of her weeping, broken mother, was a trait Misato was loathe to experience, ever. Even if it meant, albeit on a nearly unconscious level, asserting herself in ways the good Dr. Katsuragi never dreamed.
Even this past session with Shinji was, admittedly, little more than a lengthy exercise for her already inflated ego. But was it her fault she liked being in control? Was it her fault he had absolutely no problem with it?
No, of course not. There was no fault to be had. A good time was had by all.
Right?
Oh yes, she thought, unable to contain a wicked blush. We'll definitely be using the cuffs again.
Sex with Shinji was good. On a few notable occasions, it was great. Through experimentation, time and association, she had discovered that if she pressed his buttons the right way, in a very careful order, his normal, meek, timid self was replaced with something very, very different. He could be thrilling, physically taxing, rough. Well, as rough as Shinji could ever hope to be.
While not given to literature and language, Misato had some difficulty properly expressing exactly how he behaved in those instances. Quite by accident she had discovered the word she was looking for. During one of the MAGI's countless tests she witnessed, Ritsuko blurted it out as they watched the supercomputer tear through their best firewall, gutting it out.
Berserk.
Misato found it to be a fairly good fit for Shinji. She had been aware, even before they started officially seeing each other, that he had a lot of unresolved anger issues. Understandable, given his background. She was also aware of his depression, and after some quick research on the government's dollar, had discovered the theory that the illness was anger directed towards oneself. Misato herself didn't entirely understand that, but she supposed blaming himself was the easiest option for him given his tormentors. She pointedly decided not to wonder if he was still angry with her.
But despite all that, after every time he lost himself in her, he'd become very self-conscious, almost ashamed. At first, Misato tried to laugh his dour mood from him, joking about her "jolly good rutting." That seemed to make matters worse, for both of them. Shinji would close up his emotions, and Misato would get pissed that the best sex of their relationship was somehow a disgrace to him.
It wasn't like those were the only times she could come with him, but they were the most intense. Honestly, and thankfully, she had only faked with him once. He had the uncanny ability to tell when she was lying. About anything. As she told Ritsuko some time ago, Shinji was, if nothing else, a diligent worker. And receptive to input. He was Misato's perpetual employee of the month. And the best way to ensure good relations between the boss and the staff was to maintain open channels of communication. Honesty was the cornerstone of any successful business.
But sometimes Misato wanted to be dirty, to be wicked, and to leave all the deep emotional stuff on the floor next to her underwear. Shinji just couldn't let it go. Sure, hearing her lover tell her how much he cherished her during sex could be hot, but not when she wanted him to bend her over backwards and make her scream. Which was, she admitted, more often than not.
For Shinji, sex was always some big, moving, emotional thing. It was never "fucking." It was always "making love." It was never just for fun, or to release some tension. For him it was literally a physical expression of his love for her, and he felt it necessary to instill in her how much he adored her, each and every time.
Misato had subtly tried to convince him that sometimes sex was just sex, but even when she delved into fantasy and outright kink he wasn't dissuaded. And as far as his own fetishes were concerned, Shinji's biggest turn on seemed to be watching her face as she came. Ikari Shinji was, Misato decided, incredibly vanilla. Not boring; he followed her lead no matter what she suggested, but he never took the initiative. He never suggested anything outside the norm, and when she asked about what she could do to please him, he acted like a kid, stuttering and blushing into an awkward silence.
"It's a two-way street," she had told him. And she honestly believed that. But… God… that look he had, the one of utter humiliation and guilt over what made him feel good… it was cringe-inducing. And mood-killing.
She thought of several outlets for her anger over his apparent shame with his own sexuality. The first, and most obvious, was Mana. Misato didn't know what their sex life was like, but it obviously wasn't great. It was distinctly unsettling, at least to the captain, that the happiest Shinji looked during their times together was when he gave her pleasure. What kind of a man was like that? It couldn't be healthy. It certainly wasn't normal.
Misato seethed. That manipulative little bitch must have done something to her Shinji. Something to make him so damn repressed. The captain had tried hard to help him open up, she really had, but she couldn't help but get a little frustrated after every attempt was met with his trademark evasions. So, in an effort to aggressively bring about a resolution to the issue, colored only slightly by her annoyance with him (very, very slightly she told herself), she decided to withhold any and all sexual contact with him and see how long he could last. Let him initiate it for once in his life.
In retrospect it was no great surprise her plan turned out to be a complete failure. Instead of taking her in a flurry of pent up animalistic lust as she hoped, Shinji reverted back to his old self, the way he was when she first started seeing him, apologizing constantly and begging forgiveness for imagined wrongs. Though he had no idea what his sin was, he completely humbled himself before her. Feeling guilty herself, Misato assured him it was just pressure at work, nothing to do with him. She then proceeded to take him in a flurry of pent up animalistic lust.
So it didn't work out. But Misato still had hope. There was always hope. Actually, Shinji had confessed something to her… after months of prodding him for something, anything. Her little Shin-chan liked to keep the lights on. She had no problem with that.
But I'm digressing, she thought with a quick shake of her head to disperse her blush.
Next up on the captain's frustrated hate list was his dead father. While not willing to go into the man's dealings freely, even within her own mind, she settled on the vague but firmly understood notion the guy had been a total asshole. As Misato held few of her own faults from herself, she was also surprisingly unapologetic when dealing with someone else's. Shinji had abandonment issues. She couldn't say it any simpler than that.
"I can't be alone."
Even after all these months, those words still made her frown. There was a time when she wondered if he stayed with her, despite all her quirks, simply because she showed an interest. Shinji never struck her as someone who would actively pursue a woman. Perhaps his passivity, his pathetic selflessness, his juvenile need to please others all stemmed from his fear of abandonment. So, what then? Was he just using her as the path of least resistance?
Just like I'm using him. Misato sighed through her nose. Fuck it. We're helping each other. We love each other. Nothing else matters but that.
In the end she arrived at the conclusion she always arrived at: Shinji was an unfortunate combination of all the factors of his shitty life, coupled with his overly sensitive nature. It wasn't a death sentence. It would just take some time and patience. Misato could only imagine how she'd turn out if her father nearly got her killed and then died, and learned that her entire life was a lie, manipulated by some shadowy government agency. She didn't want to meet the person who was well adjusted after that.
Misato was rudely torn from her musings as the entire bridge crew broke into a sudden, though subdued, celebration. The captain glanced at the main screen of the command deck and found it proudly displaying the total success of the MAGI's integration within the JSSDF's core system. Caspar was now at their beck and call, a slave to human will once more.
"Finally!" Ritsuko said, putting an unusual amount of emotion into her declaration. "It feels like years since we started this damn project."
"I don't know why it took so long, anyway," the captain said with a smirk.
"Not even your snarky attitude can ruin this for me." The doctor paused, listening as commander Fuyutsuki indulged himself in another of his long winded speeches about progress and accomplishment and what a momentous occasion this was and— "Screw this. Want to go out and celebrate after work? Hit a couple bars, like the old days?"
"Sounds fun. Girls' night out. I'll tell Shinji and Rei not to wait up." She produced her cell phone and began to dial. At her side, Ritsuko cleared her throat.
"Ah, Misato? You know you're supposed to be in full dress today, right?"
"Of course." She absently gestured to her clothes. "Do these look like my pajamas?"
"No, no… just…" The doctor coughed. "Ah, your skirt is inside out."
It was a definite rarity, Shinji mused as he sat down to breakfast in Misato's kitchen. Rei was late for school. Granted, it was only a few minutes late, and she'd probably get to school before anyone noticed, but it brought a smile to his face nonetheless. The reason she was late, that she slept in, escaped him. Of course, if he bothered to really think about it, the cause was obvious. Misato had been rather vocal last night, to say nothing of how demanding she was. Despite her little lunchtime visit yesterday. As it was, Shinji was amazed he was even alive right now, let alone awake. Even more amazing was that Misato was already awake and at work, given their workout and the gentle beer buzz she came home with last night.
Both of them, he mused, thinking of the two women he was more or less living with. They're both so driven sometimes. And while I can't say anything about Ayanami's stamina I swear to God Misato must have extra batteries or a power cord or something. I need to start drinking coffee. Or smoking crack. Something.
As Rei exited her room with her book bag, his grin faltered a touch. Though she was late, she was as calm as ever. Shinji snorted softly, the little fantasy he held about a frazzled Rei rushing to beat the late bell dissolving as quickly as it appeared. He turned to make space for the girl at the table, hoping she had enough time to at least sit a moment for breakfast.
When he looked up for her again, he found her on the floor, her face tight with pain. Her legs were splayed in an unnatural pose while her hands held her left ankle.
"Ayanami!" He was at her side in an instant. "What happened? Are you okay?"
"… no."
Unable or unwilling to vocalize further, she nodded briefly to a wet puddle on the floor beside her. Tracing the line of liquid to an overturned beer can, Shinji swore softly.
"Misato-san…" He sighed, then focused on Rei. "Let me take a look at it."
Her left eyebrow rose effortlessly despite her obvious pain.
"You are a doctor?"
"No, but I know enough first aid to at least suspect when I'm looking at something serious. Come on."
She hesitated, some internal debate firing behind her eyes, before relenting.
"The left ankle," she said, glancing away. She missed his quick nod.
His fingers gently probed the injury, while lifting her calf to gain better lighting. Shinji's brow was drawn low, a look of intense concentration on his face. He was so consumed with assessing her wound he missed the kiss of pink on Rei's cheeks.
"It doesn't look too bad," he said with a relieved sigh, unwittingly sending a warm breeze across her leg. "But maybe we should get you to the hospital, just in case…" He paused with a confused blink. "Are you cold? Your leg is all goose-pimply…"
"I am fine," Rei said, snatching her leg back from Shinji. She swallowed hard. "I must get to school."
Get away. Get away. I need to get away.
She rose quickly, and fell down again just as fast.
"Ayanami!" Shinji frowned. "You can't go to school like this. You're hurt!" He sighed, waiting for some kind of response, and received none. "Listen. I doubt missing one day will ruin your GPA. I'll call a taxi and take you to the hos—"
"No." She briefly looked in his general direction and found she was not going to get out of this. She sighed. "I do not need medical attention."
Shinji frowned.
"Maybe not professional attention." He crossed his arms in a decidedly non-Shinji pose. "I don't want you going to school today. I'll call and say you broke your ankle."
"It is not broken," Rei said, adept at stating the obvious.
"Well they don't have to know that." He grinned a little as she expressed surprise at his planned deception. "Besides, you could probably use a break, miss honor student."
Yet again, Rei realized she was not getting out of this. She wasn't sure she liked this side of him. Regardless of the fact that she did in fact want a break.
"… fine. I will not attend school today," she said, defeated, but making sure to emphasize the last word. She rose on her single good leg.
"Good." Shinji suddenly seemed to revert back to his old self, and haltingly took a step towards her. "Um, let me help you to your room."
Rei killed his aid with a look. She hopped away.
"I am not an invalid." Getting into a rhythm, she reached the door to her room. She paused, holding the frame, and without looking back, spoke. "Do not call me honor student again."
Her door shut, and Shinji sighed.
The doorbell rang, and Shinji sighed.
He was actually glad for a distraction. Spending the day with Rei had not gone as well as he'd hoped. Actually, it was a complete disaster. She spent the whole day cooped up in her room, declining his repeated attempts to keep her company, give her food, play his cello, and everything else he suggested that implied any sort of human interaction. The most he got from her was a stilted "thanks" when he periodically refreshed the bag of ice on her ankle.
He selfishly wondered if they'd ever be able to recreate that day she'd told him about her nightmares, or when he played for her. As much as it embarrassed him to admit it (to himself, never to anyone else), he liked the strange, taciturn albino. After spending some real time with her, he quickly came to that decision, as well as the truth that she was undoubtedly the smartest person in this apartment, maybe the most mature person he had ever met.
And they had just recently gotten close. Shinji snorted, mentally punching himself. And here he had to go and ruin it with a pathetic attempt at acting friendly. Maybe it was better when he was moody or embarrassed. An assertive, wise-cracking Shinji was definitely abnormal.
I need to stop trying to imitate Misato-san.
So as he answered the front door, his normal, somber, slightly "wounded animal" look was firmly in place, which unfortunately happened to have a devastating effect on the young girl who just rang the bell.
"Oh," Shinji said, blinking as recognition hit him. "Horaki, right?" He waited as the brunette nodded slowly, her eyes wide. She looked impossibly small and vulnerable. "Uh, please come in. You must be here about Ayanami, right?" Again, another slow nod, followed by a lengthy pause. Shinji moved back, giving her more room. She required a full three meters before she would enter the apartment.
Hikari slipped her shoes off, again slowly, and seemed to find the floor exceedingly fascinating, since she didn't lift her eyes from it. She could practically feel the smoke billowing from her heated cheeks.
"Ah, well… it's nice of you to stop by," Shinji said, wondering what the hell her problem was. "You know where her room is, right?"
A quick nod and an even quicker scuttling of feet was his answer. He stood alone in the front hall and sighed for what felt like the hundredth time that day.
"I just can't seem to do anything right today," he groaned.
Rei felt the unfamiliar yet distinct urge to growl as her door was flung open and shut with enough force to derail a small commuter train. She shut her laptop and prepared yet another firmly neutral repudiation to Shinji's increasingly idiotic attempts at association and was stopped short by a heavily panting, heavily blushing brunette. But not the heavily panting, heavily blushing brunette she was expecting.
"Horaki," the albino said, unsure if this was a change for the better. "What are you doing here?"
"Rei!" Hikari jumped to an impressive height while scattering her book bag and papers, before she fell to stuttering. "I, uh, I didn't think you'd be here. I didn't think he'd… I mean, that anyone would be here. I just, um, just thought I'd leave your handouts in the mailbox but I sort of rang the bell by habit and I just didn't expect him to be here and now you're here so…" She broke off. "I mean, good! Good! It's good you're here! Because I came to see you!" Her follow-up laugh sounded more than a little manic.
"Why did you think I would not be in my home?" Rei asked, conveniently disregarding everything else that tumbled from the shy girl's mouth.
"I… I don't know. I've just been… kind of out of it lately." She bit her lip. "Can I just… stay here a little? Just for a little?"
True, there was some unmistakable hormonal coloring to her speech patterns, but there was also an overriding tone of desperation that had nothing to do with a desire to, as Misato colorfully put it, "ruin the mattress." Thus, Rei agreed.
"Oh thank God," Hikari blew out in a single breath and all but collapsed on the end of the bed. "I just… need to catch my breath." She concentrated all her mental faculties on the task of slowing her pulse, and her thoughts. It was her firmly entrenched sense of personal shame that finally made her speak again. "How are you feeling? I heard you had some kind of horrific accident."
Rei rubbed her temples.
"I am fine. It is just a sprain." She quirked an eyebrow. "I am surprised Soryu is not with you." Though I am not complaining.
"Um… she hasn't been in school for two days, Rei. Didn't you notice?"
Obviously not.
"She, ah, she says she got mono," the brunette went on, fighting off a laugh. "But that has to be a lie. She's never kissed anybody. It's probably just cramps or something. She never was very good at dealing with them."
"I see."
Rei was not prone to prayer, or religion in general. Even basic spirituality required a leap of faith from her. And yet, as she sat on her bed with Hikari after school, the pale girl found herself thanking whatever invisible deity was responsible for Asuka staying home for the day. It gave her the opportunity she had been waiting for, practically longing for. True, patience was a virtue, and a quality her life demanded from her, but there was a distinct difference between being patient and being a fool. And only a fool would pass up this chance.
Still, Rei couldn't help but feel a degree of preamble was necessary. Hikari was, after all, an easily embarrassed person.
"You are quite… flustered today. More so than usual. Something happen at school?" Let it never be said that Rei was not a master tactician.
Hikari stared at her friend, wide-eyed.
"N-no, nothing out of the ordinary." The brunette shifted. Since when does she ask questions? "Just, you know… same old same old."
"So your agitation is caused solely by you being here?"
"Ah… I, um… I suppose so, yes…" Hikari felt the beginnings of total panic gnawing at her belly.
"And as we have met previously with no adverse reaction from you, I am left with only one possible explanation." Her prey wounded and blushing, Rei swooped in for the kill. "Seeing Ikari-san always makes you act… differently, doesn't it?"
"Well… I…" She trailed off, twisting her hands by her sides. Stop it! Please, please don't ask what I think you're going to ask.
"How does Ikari-san make you feel?"
"Wh… what? I…" The brunette broke off, coloring. She quickly averted her eyes. "Why on earth would you ask me that?"
"I would like to know," Rei replied, keeping her voice steady, showing nothing to her friend's sudden, furtive drop in volume.
"You… because you want to know?" Hikari shyly peeked up at her friend. "You really want to know, Rei?"
A slight, brief shot of guilt flashed through her. She knew manipulating Hikari's desire to be closer to her was wrong. Then again, this entire conversation could be considered wrong, from a certain point of view. Namely, anyone who ever heard it.
"Yes. I want to know." Rei allowed a patient silence to fall between them. She used the time to observe her friend carefully: her lip biting, her blush, her rapid blinks, her toes clenching in discomfort. It was mildly comical.
"Well…"
This was not Asuka, Hikari reminded herself. This was not someone who would possibly hold her confessions over her. This was not a cackling redhead who would tease her about that one dream she had that happened to involve Katsuragi-san's boyfriend, herself, and several hitherto unrealized uses for her house's surprisingly roomy bathtub. Besides, Rei was the last person in the world who would interpret her feelings like that, right? And they were friends, right?
"Okay," she finally said. She took a breath for strength. "Okay." Her resolve suddenly faltered. "But… you won't… I mean, you wouldn't tell anyone else, right?"
"Of course."
"Good. Okay." Hikari pushed her palms down on her knees, the force making her body still. "Well, Ikari-san is… you swear you won't tell anyone? If Katsuragi-san found out or—"
"I promise."
The brunette sighed, trying to relax. Her eyes focused on a nondescript point on Rei's closet door.
"I don't really meet a lot of… guys. School and my representative duties keep me pretty busy, and my sisters and my dad need help, too, so… well, I mean I do know a few guys, from school and clubs and around the neighborhood, but… they're… they never really see me. Everybody treats me like… you know, a class rep. I'm… 'little miss bossy' the guys call me. They're mean, or they ignore me, or they don't even notice that… that I'm a girl, too. But Ikari-san…"
She struggled to find the right words for her emotions.
"I just… I mean, he's so… polite, and quiet, and nice and never rude or vulgar and he's…" Her voice dropped to a nearly inaudible squeak. "He's really handsome."
That again, Rei mentally groaned. Hikari went on.
"I can kind of pretend I'm someone else with him. And it's… it's sort of fun, you know? He doesn't know that I'm class rep or that I'm a lousy swimmer, or about that time in second grade when I threw up in art class. I know I'm making too much out of it, but… I can pretend to just be Hikari."
Rei began to genuinely feel bad. She had hoped for a quick outside resource to compare herself to, and now she was receiving a torrent of very personal emotions she never knew the brunette had. With her intelligence, her intellectual disconnect, it was surprisingly easy to forget other people could house deep insights and identity issues.
"But he kind of seems a little sad," Hikari was saying. "And he sort of… it sounds dumb but I feel kind of happy… when I think about him. And…" She sounded like she pulling teeth. "I think it would be nice to see him happy. Like, be happy… together."
Hikari covered her face, mortified. The fact that the object of her affections lay a scant few yards beyond the flimsy door of Rei's room wasn't helping matters any. Her embarrassment finally overshadowed her need to confess, and she kept her mouth shut, waiting for Rei to laugh, to tattle, to sigh, to do something. Anything.
"No. You misunderstood me. I meant I wish to know how he makes you feel, physically."
Anything but that.
"What!" Hikari stared at her. She gaped a moment, then gave voice to the most obvious question she had. "Why?"
Because I have been dreaming lately and—
Rei shook her head. No need to drag the truth into this.
"Curiosity," the pale girl said, almost proud at how truthful her half-lie sounded.
Hikari gaped still, and continued to for some time. Her throat made a strange croaking noise which may have been the beginnings of an answer of some fashion, but she snapped her mouth shut and her teeth connected with an audible click. She was on the verge of possibly considering thinking about responding, and after a sustained moment of supreme effort, took a breath to speak.
Further exploration on the subject was cut short when a shrill cry sounded from the kitchen.
"Mi-Misato-san, stop," Shinji pleaded, trying to dislodge her wandering hands from their current location, a place they were quite well acquainted with by now. "We're not alone and—"
She gave him a sloppy kiss.
"Ah, come one," she drawled. "What I have in mind won't take too long." She laughed softly, but it held a subtle waver. She aimed for another kiss and found his nose. "Oops. Tee hee. Sorry, Shin-chan."
He drew back. Her breath was heavy with liquor and cigarettes. Shinji frowned. Since when did she smoke?
"Cut it out," he whispered, attempting a secretive, playful tone. He failed. "S-stop."
"Stop? Is that any way to talk to your Misato-sama?" she asked, her words slightly slurred. "I want to give you a little treat, since you're always making me dinner and stuff." She ran her tongue down his neck. She drew back frowning, as her hands made yet another unsuccessful attempt to liberate his pants from his body. Or at the very least, her favorite appendage.
"Really, stop," he said, prying her hands away. He caught a flash of anger from her eyes and tried to backpedal. "I mean, ah, dinner will burn if I don't keep a close watch." He gestured vaguely to the stove and the two steaming woks. He backed away from her. "You, ah, look pretty tired anyway. Why don't you—"
"God!" Misato yelled in a fury. "What the hell? I swear, you're the only guy in the whole fucking world that hates when I suck their—"
Shinji clamped a hand over her mouth and spun her around. She slowly removed the shaking muzzle, and cleared her throat.
"Oh, hey, Rei. Hikari. Didn't see you guys there." She gave the two teenagers a wave.
Hikari, her entire face, ears, and neck beet red, was torn between the simultaneous impulses to run away and drop dead. Her eyes, however, refuted both desires by forcing her to stay riveted to her spot: the sight of Ikari Shinji hastily refastening his trousers proved too tempting to miss. She licked her lips unconsciously.
Rei merely frowned at her guardian.
"You are intoxicated," she spat out.
"I'm also hungry and horny. But it seems Shin-chan can only deal with one of my needs at a time." Misato glared at her boyfriend, who had by now turned his full attention back to the preparation of the meal. After another, strained moment, she turned from him and snorted. She focused on the two girls. "It's pretty late. You might as well stay for dinner." She spoke like neither teen lived with her.
"I, ah, I don't know—"
"I insist," she said without much insistence.
So they stayed. It was an amazingly uncomfortable ten minutes until the meal was ready, culminating in Misato casually asking the two teens if they were still maidens of virtue pure.
"I'm just saying you shouldn't hold on to any old fashioned morality nonsense. You're young. Make the most of it. And don't worry; it gets better after the first couple of times."
"Misato-san," Shinji warned in a dangerous tone. He served the three at the table and sat beside his girlfriend. He murmured a quick prayer and began to eat, his quiet exhaustion with the situation serving to compel the others to dine as well.
Though the food placed before her was the best looking cuisine she'd seen in some time, Hikari was unable to focus on it. Even picking up her chop sticks was proving to be a monumental task. Surprisingly, it wasn't the veiled question about her virginity that caused such turmoil within her.
Misato-sama? she screamed in her mind. Sama! That's so… so… She broke off, biting her lip. She glanced to the tipsy Misato, then to the quietly stewing Shinji. She had no control over the color that rose in her cheeks. Misato-sama… sama… sama… Hikari… sama… Hikari-sama…
And suddenly, Hikari's mind was someplace else entirely.
"Ikari-san," Rei said, frowning even more as she noticed her friend's glazed look. She needed something, anything to talk about. "What are you working on right now?"
"Just some stupid game," he muttered.
Misato laughed in mock sympathy.
"Aw, don't pay any attention to him. He's just grumpy 'cause his job sucks. I think he should quit. Find something else, you know? My dad always told me to find an occupation that I like and was good at. We just need to think of what you're good at and enjoy." Misato closed one eye, tapping a finger against her lower lip. "Hmm… well, you're pretty good at fucking me. If only we could market that somehow…"
The only sound that followed her pondering was a gentle crash of cutlery as Hikari lost any semblance of motor coordination and dropped her chopsticks. Everyone else was silent, though the lavender haired woman's face was still screwed into a look of intense concentration.
"Maybe some amateur stuff," she went on. "I know this one web site where—"
Shinji stood, his face strangely devoid of all emotion. He hauled Misato up by an arm and pulled her away from the table.
"Alright!" she said. "About time! Rei-chan, be a dear and clean up dinner, okay? We'll be awhile." She began to take her shirt off. The grin was still plastered to her face, even when Shinji flung her into the bedroom and slammed the door shut behind them.
At the table, Rei gently massaged her temples, letting her eyes rest. Hikari struggled to stay conscious.
A moment later Shinji emerged from Misato's room, and without another word left the apartment.
Despite the front door's reliance on automatic hydraulic pumps to open and close, the usual soft hiss of the portal's locking mechanism seemed obscenely loud and angry. Soon that even dissolved into a dull, dead silence which blanketed the apartment, only to be promptly shattered by Misato's stereo belching out an obnoxious rock song with screaming vocals. Rei recognized the tune as her guardian's usual "Saturday night" song.
At the table, as the meal cooled and went unconsumed, the two girls kept their mouths shut tight, but for very different reasons. Hikari fidgeted a moment more, then broke the impasse.
"Asuka is going to hate that she missed this."
Knock, knock.
"Rei, are you awake? Can we talk?"
There had been, for a brief, sweet moment when she first turned in, the belief that she might be able, for once, to have an uninterrupted night's sleep for a change. But as the solid knocks on her door became soft pounds, Rei abandoned the idea of ever achieving the recommended eight hours rest she so sorely needed.
Just pretend you're asleep, the albino thought as she dragged a pillow over her head. Pretend you don't hear her and she'll go away.
Knock, knock, knock. Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock—
"Okay," Rei said in a tone as close to a shout as she would condone. "I am awake."
Her door slid open a crack.
"Dr. Ayanami, I think I messed up again."
"That is obvious."
Misato, as if participating in some tacky spy movie, drew the door back just enough to wedge her body inside, then quickly closed it behind her. Rei knew better than to question her behavior during her hangovers and personal crises. Actually, those two seemed to always be connected somehow.
Misato flopped down on the floor in the dark, leaning heavily against Rei's bed. Though it was dark, the girl could faintly make out the curve of her shoulders and the downward tilt of her head. Her guardian sighed.
"I'm sorry," she said after a lengthy pause. The apology sounded brittle, like she was about to categorically repent for every sin she ever committed in her life, real or imagined. "I… I got a call from your school earlier. You busted your leg or something?"
"It is merely a sprain."
"Oh. Good. I mean good that it isn't serious." She sighed through her nose, and ran a hand along her arm. "When I got the call I figured I could skip out early, you know? Take care of my little Rei. When we're not conducting field ops my presence is pretty much a courtesy anyways. So I was on my way out and…"
The woman paused and her charge imagined any number of possible scenarios that might lead to the evening's fiasco. She did not anticipate what actually happened though.
"I saw my father today," Misato said without any more preface. With her back turned, she did not see Rei's quiet shock. "The higher-ups must have asked him to stop by. I don't know the reason." But I'm sure everyone else does.
"What did he say?" Rei asked after a moment passed.
"Nothing. I doubt he even knew I was there. I saw him in one of the labs, just for a second, and… and well, I sort of took off. I just didn't want to deal with it. He looked pretty busy, like he'd been there awhile… and no one even bothered to tell me. And I just… it was such a huge shock, seeing him like that after so long, without any letters, or calls, or anything…"
She stopped to run a hand over her face. Rei simply stared at the back of her head.
"I went to a bar," Misato said, sounding utterly defeated. "And I drank so I could get drunk." She laughed a little after silence met her admission. Of course Rei wasn't surprised. Of course that was exactly what she expected of her guardian.
Misato gracefully kept the rest of the story to herself. No need to trouble her charge with the whole truth. No need to disclose the fact she "conveniently" ran into Kaji. No need to audibly recall how they somehow wound up the restroom together. No need to spend any more time thinking about how she needed to order two more beers to get his taste out of her mouth.
"I see," the girl breathed.
"Why does life have to be such a fucking drama all the time?"
"If I knew, I would tell you." Rei paused, debating the wisdom of saying more. In the end, the fact that her sleep had yet again been interrupted drove her on. "However, purposefully getting intoxicated and manhandling your boyfriend in front of an audience certainly does not lessen the drama any."
Misato was quiet for a time in the dark.
"That… that hurt, Rei."
The girl sighed. She couldn't discern from her tone if she was angry or angling for sympathy. She moved on.
"He was quite upset, you know."
"… I'll bet. God… an audience. You and… who else? Hikari, right?"
"Yes."
"Shit. Wait. Was Asuka there too?"
"How much did you drink?" Rei asked, shaking her head. "No, Soryu was not there, thankfully."
"Well, that's something, at least." The woman tenderly cupped a hand to her head. "God I have such a headache."
They waited in the dark. The clock changed hours.
"Are you not worried about him?" the pale girl finally asked, wanting to end this conversation and sleep.
"Of course I'm worried but…" She sighed, and Rei could easily imagine a helpless smile on her face. "But it isn't like he's going to run away. I mean, his cello is still over here." She laughed, and it was entirely without humor. "I think… I think he should be angry with me for awhile. I deserve some punishment for this."
Rei made a noncommittal humming sound.
"Because I know he'll forgive me when I ask for it. And… and he really shouldn't. Not after this. I did something really, really… really awful." Misato curled her legs up and hugged them, resting her forehead on her knees. "This sucks so much."
Rei opened her mouth to speak and her guardian cut her off.
"He's such a God damn saint," she snapped. "And it makes me feel like I'm always breaking some religious code only he knows about. He's playing a game and I don't know the rules. I knew, I knew this would be hard when we first started, but… damn it. I'm just… not cut out to be serious all the time. I need to cut loose sometimes. I can't deal with life's shit like him. I can't bottle it all up, or cut myself off, or sulk…"
"You seem to be sulking right now."
Misato fell silent, and for a time all that could be heard were the near inaudible sounds of breathing in the room. Outside the obnoxious screech of wheels on asphalt brutally tore apart the night. Inside the apartment a long, long sigh trailed through the air.
"He's not like me," Misato finally said, almost pouting.
Rei disputed that. It was fairly clear to her that Shinji did have a playful, joking side. It was merely buried under layers… and layers… of self-conscious guilt and shame. The man just needed to lighten up. Fueled by his behavior earlier that day, Rei tried to imagine Shinji dealing with his own problems in a manner more befitting Misato. Perhaps he should get drunk and stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks. The concept of the young man speaking what he truly thought was a subtly intriguing notion to the girl.
"Do you want him to get angry at you?"
"He doesn't get angry like me! He doesn't bitch or swear or scream!"
Rei would have debated the screaming part.
"He doesn't even get angry!" Misato went on. "He's…" She sighed, sounding beaten. "He's like you."
The pale girl's mind immediately responded to that idea with a resounding "bullshit." Following that thought, practically on top of it, was the fact, at least in Rei's mind, that she did indeed get angry. Granted, she expressed it in a nonverbal, death glare, leave me the hell alone or I'll eviscerate you kind of way, but it was still there. And recalling Shinji's abrupt departure earlier that evening, she was sure he got angry as well. Rei sighed. His was a nonverbal way as well.
I'm too tired for this.
"I think," she said, "that he was angrier than you think."
Misato was silent.
"I also think," Rei said slowly, "that I am not the one you should be telling this to."
It was one seventeen in the morning, exactly, when Rei's cell phone rang. The nearly unstoppable desire to hurl the device out the window, the accumulation of months of restless nights, was quelled only when her logical mind determined exactly who was calling her. She groped blindly for her nightstand and flipped the phone on before it reached its third ring.
Am I cursed to never have another full night's rest again?
"What is it, Misato?"
There was a delay before she got an answer.
"Rei? It's me. I'm know it's late but… oh, geez it is late… uh, sorry but I just wanted to tell you I'm staying over at Shinji's tonight, okay? We… we have a lot to talk about."
This was no euphemism, no excuse to spare her the blatant embarrassment of trying to conceal her sexual transgressions. When Misato said "to talk" this time, she meant just that.
"I expected as much. May I sleep now?"
"Don't get huffy. I didn't want you to worry." She paused, and then the muted shuffling of a hand covering the receiver filled the line. "Hang on a second, Rei." Another pause, then a crinkle of electronic static.
"Ayanami?"
Of course he'd want to say something.
"Yes, Ikari-san?" she responded patiently.
"… thank you, Ayanami."
She heard his smile over the phone.
Rei wasn't sure how long of a pause followed his words, how long the silence between them sat, how long before she forgot she was holding a telephone and he was not sitting there with her. Perhaps it was simply her over-taxed, exhausted mind but she felt the rest of the world fade to misty obscurity, drowning into a faint shadowy blur. His voice tickled something far back in the corner of her mind, and she envisioned rain, blue, scars.
She tried to make some sort of noise to acknowledge his gratitude or merely his existence, but she couldn't be sure if he heard, or if she even made it. She glanced to her clock, but the numbers fell on her eyes like foreign symbols, ancient runes without any discernable meaning. She felt angry with herself, with her inability to think clearly or even arrange her thoughts.
"Goodnight, Ayanami."
He hung up before she could think to reply.
Rei closed the phone, turning it off, and collapsed back into bed, her head sinking into the old smushy pillow she refused to replace. Staring at the blank grey of her ceiling she made an effort to sort out her emotions from the day. She quickly came to the conclusion she was too damn tired to do anything but shut her eyes. She hoped she could skip school again tomorrow.
I am never going to get a proper night's rest again.
End of Chapter 12
Author notes: told you. Diet with a twist of lime. But length wise, this one just got away from me. Sorry. And apparently Shinji doesn't work anymore. And summer break was abolished in Japan. Whatever. And when did this turn into a parody fic? When I read WarpWizard's excellent advice. I'm trying hard not to give a shit about this story now. Dry spells still suck, though. And so do I. About Rei crying last time. I honestly felt I should leave it at that. Mostly, I don't want to explain it.
About Rei asking Hikari. I don't know. I just thought it was funny. I know most of you are thinking "Um… shouldn't she know about that stuff by now? Living with Misato, remember?" Yeah… like I said. Funny. To me. Hikari getting all flustered is so kawai. And I had to keep Asuka out of that scene. Sorry. I just… had to.
Usually, I don't like writing about sex that much… unless it's hardcore deviant shit like Witness (is he joking?). I just wanted to clarify some points on Shinji and Misato's relationship. Basically, it isn't perfect, but it's close enough ("Love is not finding the perfect person, but seeing an imperfect person perfectly" --quote from someone I forgot). Speaking of imperfection, I know Shinji as a "berserker," even in this context, is nothing new. Just wanted to try my hand at it. Besides, repression can come out in a lot of interesting ways…
Again, please don't take this chapter as a knock to Misato. I like her a lot. I wanted some sort of conflict, and this just came to me. It might not be totally believable, but I think it worked out. And please don't take this as me believing Shinji can do no wrong. When things get too painful he runs away to escape it. In this fic he's already done it twice, with Mana and with Misato in chapter six.
A fond thank you to my reviewers (I broke 100!). I appreciate the vote of confidence and your understanding. Thanks. And my apologies. Last chapter when I said my muse was cheating on me, I meant it solely as a cheap joke. By "muse" I was referring to the small, irate pixie-like creature that visits me occasionally to kick the back of my head so ideas can fall onto my keyboard. I'm waiting for her to help me with the next chapter, which will be more of an interlude to bridge this with the (oft-cited) two-part conclusion. I want to move on to my next fic, an angsty post-EoE crap heap starring everyone's favorite spy. No, not that one. Or that one. Yeah, that one. I'd also like to subject you all to the depths of my waffy Rei/Shinji story. It gets uber-waffy. And my (gasp!) parody fic.
Big thanks to… um… let's see… running out of soundtracks here… ah, here we go. How about the Big-O! cds? That track "Stoning" kicks all sorts of ass. And I ask all of you to listen to the theme song and not laugh. It's impossible, isn't it? Tomatoes!
OMAKE time
Rei: Ikari-san… about this "sama" business…
Shinji: Um… well…
Misato: And what's wrong with it? A little fantasy can be a healthy, productive part of a loving couple's sex life and… (passes out)
Shinji (sighing): You drugged her beer again, didn't you?
Rei: I do not wish her to witness your punishment.
Shinji: But… I am sorry, Ayanami…
Rei: Ahem.
Shinji (sighing again): … right… I'm sorry… Ayanami-sama…