Disclaimer: Prison Break doesn't belong to me but it is a lot of fun to take the characters out for a spin.
Tuesday marked the six month anniversary of the day we slipped away from Fox River.
We spent just under five weeks on the run before three of us made our way home.
All those weeks running, I kept a fierce grip on my sanity by telling myself that, while it was hell, it would end and, once it did, we'd move on - somewhere tropical like we'd planned - and never speak or think of any of it ever again.
I was wrong.
Without him here, thinking of those times, every move we made, each and every conversation the two of us had in those weeks turned out the be all I have left, all I can think of when I dare to let my mind rest.
As a free man my life has become more normal that I'm able stand.
It was always Michael that hoped for the future, not me.
A nice place to live and a respectable job - the last things I saw in my future six months ago - are now the things I hold on to, but I feel more certain with each passing day they're things I'll never completely grow accustomed to.
Home, free and settled, Veronica stepped in and helped me get a position working with troubled teens.
I fought the idea at first, but the ' Scared Straight' people were relentless, apparently very eager to have a former death row inmate - something not all that easy to come by on the outside - in their line up, making it harder and harder to refuse their offer as time went by.
Eventually, I agreed knowing I was gonna need all the help I could get with my own teen, as well as a means to pay the bills.
To my surprise, I found it to be something, the first thing I can recall I'm good at and, actually, love doing.
Sadly, it has also turned out to be something that keeps him on the edges of my thoughts every moment of every day.
I tell my story over and over knowing that, no matter how painful it may be, it is the price I need to pay for all that happened. Each time I tell the tale, doing my best to draw some know-it-all-kid from a life of crime, someone always seems to ask, ' What happened to your brother?'
Looking them in the eye and telling them 'I don't know... I may never know!' is the hardest thing I'll ever do, but I'll spend a life time doing it if it makes them see how the things they do can hurt the ones they love.
I tell myself there is nothing more important and I'll do it until the day I die if I can save just one of these kids in Michael's name.
My brother is gone and yet, even now, he never leaves me.
When Veronica called early this week explaining that Sara had contacted her, wanted to meet both of us for lunch this afternoon, I was excited at the idea of seeing her again.
In the time we were together I grew fond of the the girl, not just because I could see he loved her, but because I like her and everything about her. Thinking of seeing her again made me smile until I began to think on how painful it was going to be to see her without him.
While I needed to have the connection to him again, I wondered how I was going look her in the eye knowing she was the one person other than myself or our mother that he'd dared to want, really need in his life, only to lose her all because of me.
I wanted to say no, avoiding seeing her, facing it altogether, but I didn't, I said yes. Now, here I stand, outside, waiting for Veronica to arrive so I can go in there, see her face, check on her; make sure she is safe and happy, not for me, but for Michael, because I know he'd want me to just that and I do all I can for him now, even if he'll never know.
Waiting for a table, watching out the window for Sara to show, the hostess explains she had arrived early, already been seated, before showing us quickly to a table all the way to the rear of the restaurant.
With her back to the wall, facing the door, I see her sweet, kind, forgiving eyes immediately as we begin to cross the long narrow room.
She smiles at me as we approach and the smile I give in return is sincere, relieved to see, even at a distance, that the broken, tired, burden of all that happened written all over her face the last time I saw her has faded away.
She looked good, happy even.
All of us greeting one another, taking our seats, ordering a meal all seems normal enough until I begin to pick up on a strange undercurrent between the two women.
While we all go about exchanging the expected 'what have you been up to's ', all of us doing our best to be as positive as possible about what life has given us with all that was taken from him running through the back of our minds, the two of them, ignoring me, begin to look at one another oddly.
Staring intently during long stretches of not saying a word, broken only occasionally by idle chatter for my benefit, in what I guess quickly is little more than a need on both their parts to make everything seem normal while keeping something from me. I grow tired of it, ready to get to the point, whatever that point may be, and clear my throat loudly before speaking just to draw their attention. "What is it? I can tell it's something... Did you hear from him, Sara?"
Believing V to have been in the know all along from the looks they gave one another, I'm shocked to watch her turn, obviously as curious as I am, waiting for the answer she apparently doesn't have either.
" No, I haven't heard anything. I would have told you if I had... There is something, though..."
Cutting me out again, the two of them watching one another carefully, Veronica twisting her hair in thought, opening her mouth several times to speak, stopping each time before eventually finding the nerve to say what was on her mind. " Sara... you're pregnant, aren't you?"
Neither one looks at me right away, their eyes remaining glued on one another as she speaks in a choked whisper. " Yes, I am."
I can only imagine the look on my face, starting off with a strained, half-hearted smile as, like a complete jackass, I assume that, in the months since he left, she'd met someone and started a new life without him, quickly shifting to something I can't even begin to fathom as I see tears in both their eyes, realizing she hadn't moved on at all... realizing what it is she's trying to tell me. " Michael? "
My voice tearing them away, like they'd just remembered I was there, draws their gaze from one another back to me. "You're telling me you're going to have Michael's baby? "
Watching her nod her tear filled reply, I, frustrated, angry, and feeling more things than I can process, begin, without thinking, throwing words at her.
"What?...
No!...
It can't be...!"
I keep at it, my gut twisting painfully inside me, until sounding harsher than intended, I tell her, nearly shouting in disbelief,
" I don't believe it!
Show me...
Stand up! "
Even if she should tell me to go to hell for the way I've spoken to her, she instead, without saying a word, slips off the chair, out from behind the table, and stands silently next to me offering the physical proof of what she says.
Seeing the truth before my eyes, my anger falls away and is quickly replaced by an overload of pain and wishing for things that cannot be.
Without thinking, I reach out to touch her tiny rounded stomach before stopping myself short, realizing that with my behavior, she likely fears me and doesn't want me near her let alone touching her. " Sorry! I was too young with LJ... I didn't understand... I..."
Stammering for what to say, desperate to touch what's left of him, she takes my hand in hers, placing it in just the right place so that after a moment or two I feel the tiniest moment under my fingers. " I'm sorry, Linc. I should have told you sooner. I was sick early on; afraid I'd lose the baby. I didn't want to tell you too soon... You're all we have left of him ... Please don't be angry. "
" Oh God! No! I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm not angry with you. I; It's just ... Anything, everything you need, I'm here, Sara. "
" How far along are you? Like I'd forgotten she was there at all, I glance over at the sound of her voice, watching her for only an instant, taking note of tears on her cheeks before turning my attention back quickly for the answer.
She moves the palm of my hand, pushing it down just a little as she speaks. The faint flutter of movement under the rough skin of my hand is unmistakable. " Six months. Well ... not quite six, yet. Next week will be six."
Realizing she'd been pregnant nearly the whole five weeks we were together, taking ridiculous male pride in it, the sort of thing I'd have been overjoyed to have thrown in his face, making a big deal of, man-to-man, how quick and efficiently he'd gotten the job done; another thought, one difficult to grasp, begins to poke its way into my head. " Wait? You knew you were pregnant when you sent him away?"
Tension mounting all around us, Veronica steps in doing her all to diffuse the situation. “Linc, that's not always case. She may not. All the stress, everything that the three of you were going through, I don't see how she could have..."
" She's a doctor, V. She could have ... She should have." My attention focused on the woman across the table, I feel the one under my hand pulls away, stepping back, taking her seat again as she speaks the truth I already feel in my bones. " I knew. He wouldn't have gone if I told him and you know it."
All the emotion inside me boils over and I begin to feel hot tears stinging the skin of my face as I fight for control. " You let him walk out on his unborn child? You have no way of knowing... You shouldn't have done that...Making him do that was..."
Slapping my hand in frustration on the tabletop harder and louder than I'd intended, I'm shocked by her gentle kindness reaching out and covering my hand with her own as she speaks. " I understand what you're saying. All evidence to the contrary, Michael and I talked a lot during those weeks..."
Squeezing my fingers as hard as her tiny hand will allow while my eyes focused on the tabletop instead of her, I give in, looking up and into her eyes, watching her face carefully as she pleads her case. “I know about your father, Linc. I knew. I didn't care. I still don't! I'm sorry, but all that mattered to me then - and now, for that matter, was knowing he'd be safe."
" NO...!" Scrubbing the top of my head, dragging the tips of my fingers hard over the skin, grateful for a rough nail scraping at my flesh making me feel real physical pain right along with the clenching of my heart in my chest, I draw my hand from hers pushing my chair away from the table, refusing to accept it all, doing all I can to push away the reality of what I'm hearing. " No! I don't accept this. I won't! I'll go after him. I'll find him... I'll go after him, find him, and bring him back to the two of you."
My mind made up, I get to my feet ready to leave that very instant, more than ready to walk out and do whatever has to be done until she stops me by grabbing a hold of my arm. "You can't do that. I've been up front about it all along, everyone, all the people looking for him, knows this is Michael's child, if he comes anywhere near either of us they'll catch him!"
Undeterred I fish a twenty from my wallet and toss it on the table. " Make sure she has the numbers to reach me for anything she needs before you walk out of here, V!"
Realizing she is still holding onto me, I lean in, prying her fingers slowly from my arm while kissing the top of her head. " I can and I will, Sara. I should have died in that chair six months ago. Michael saved me. Then, without a thought for himself, he gave up his future to save my son."
I move in, pulling her to me, wrapping her gently in my arms, and brushing my lips lightly against her soft cheek while whispering the promise that I'd give my life to keep. "He found a way, Sara. I won't let him lose his child...lose you...lose everything! It's my turn now and I'll find my own way."
THE END?
Okay, maybe not the end. Let's call it the end of my own
little season one and Time to Go can go on hiatis for the next 10 weeks
and wait and see if the story is renewed for a second season this summer.
Come on! You let them get away with leaving you hanging for 4 months.
Now that its done I'd love to hear what you thought. Good, bad,
spot on or hard to buy. Anything! If you are hestitant to leave comments
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