October 2020
College was different, strange in a way I learned.
I spent the first weeks of my first year at college unsure of who I was to my classmates but slowly opened them up to them over the coming weeks, though it took a whole semester before I told them about Owen which came easier than I thought it would somehow.
Lillie was my first friend who was a quirky blue-haired, uniquely voice individual who had loads of talent in the radio aspect of the class. She was short, and often referred to herself at pleasantly plump when she stood next to me.
Dahlia was the second who was striking with tan skin and striking green eyes. She has the deepest black hair that I had ever seen when she took off her Hijab when we went over to her dorm to study. I didn't think she would want to be my friend at first, given I was an unmarried mother.
I soon learned that none of that mattered, for either of them. Dahlia helps us pick out a wardrobe for student news and does more producing of the college news. Lillie was great at voices and doing skits. I kept to the traditional newscast and was the best of the three of us when it came to writing. We run through the weekly activities and sporting events mostly, but also reminders about mid-terms, fee due and student centre specials, and upcoming weekend events.
"It's mental health days again at Holland College, so if you're struggling with being away from home? Liking your program or contemplating what sort of relationship you are in, talk to one our guidance counsellors. It really does help." I say to the camera. I was dressed in a purple shirt with the school logo on it and a pair of black skinny jeans standing in a pair of canvas shoes.
"Didn't we just have Mental health days Rilla?" Logan my co-host asks me playing into the bit.
"We did! But you can never have too many mental health days. I see my therapist once a month at this point and it does help. This is why it's important to have mental health week more than once a year! We're all stressed about school, grades and life, there is no shame in getting help if you need it." I tell him back but look towards the camera.
"Is that how you stay so sane? I mean I've seen your colour-coded days and weeks!"
I laugh shaking my head. "No, that is just a necessity when your life is controlled by a minion-sized Tasmanian devil, Logan. Another tip of the day actually. Birth control! Talk to the school medical centre for options and free condoms. Seriously I love my kid and I am extremely lucky to have supportive parents, but let me tell you it's not easy at all!" I laugh out loud.
"I don't know how you do it, but I know she is adorable," Logan says grinning back at me. "But let's head to Lillie with this week's forecast." He says and we wait until the camera light is off and we all take a deep breath.
"Good job only on selling that whole therapist thing," Logan said to me and I raise my eyebrow.
"Who says I'm kidding?" I tell him. "I've been seeing a Therapist since I was seventeen, honestly I'm not sure what sort of person, let alone mother I might be if I didn't have Beth to talk to." I tell him.
"Oh, well that's good for you then. I just didn't see you as that sort," Logan says simply. "I don't mean that in a bad or anything. Just you don't seem like the type that opens up easily to people. I mean it took you almost a whole semester to tell us about Owen?"
"Well, it's not something I broadcast, but I was speaking to Beth last week and I thought maybe admitting that I go for my own mental health, might help others," I tell him. "Plus you aren't wrong I don't open up all the easier, but you've all become friends over the past year and if I can't be a little bit honest what sort of friends are we?"
"Ones who will be going into the same job pool once we graduate?" Logan reminds me. "Though you have the talent and looks for such being a presenter or anchor."
"Thanks," I say tossing my hair playfully. "I've had good teachers." Logan shakes his head, smiling at me.
"Okay miss over confidant, not everyone has Owen Ford as a coach," He teases me.
"We're back on 15 seconds," the producer calls out and we get back into the moment.
I change back into my school clothes and meet up with Lillie and Dahlia who were waiting in the lounge area in the wing of our building.
"Ladies," I say in greeting as they gather their bags and we all head to the student centre. "I love your scarf today," I tell Dahlia happy. "Oh and your new hair I mean to tell you earlier!" I add on for Lillie.
"Just a refresh," Lillie says nodding her head. "You know I can do yours again for you one day?"
"If it didn't fade right away or the upkeep so expensive, I would," I tell her. She's seen the photos of my purpled hair days after all.
"That is true," Lillie says nodding her head.
We set down at an open table and bring out our lunches. Sometimes it reminds me of the days back in high school. With Olivia back when I was pregnant and she was my only friend. To my parents frowning the moment that I could, I went back to my mostly vegetarian lifestyle. Though these days I allow myself some dairy and eggs. Though I still refuse to drink cow's milk if I have a choice.
"What are we going to wear for the Christmas telethon?" Dahlia asks swallowing a bite of her sandwich. Technically she didn't celebrate Christmas or her parents and traditions didn't, but her boyfriend did much to her parent's dismay. He was a lovely guy though,
"I might dig out the old prom dress," I tell her truthfully. "If we're doing glam this year?"
"What did your prom dress look like for you not horrified by the style of it?" Lillie asks to interrupt. "I mean I know you fit any just about anything and will look good in anything."
"Well, considering prom was only a year and a half ago, let me find an old photo," I say laying down my fork in my salad container and picking up my phone.
I go back to June 2019, frowning at some of the photos and how much my little has grown since those days. I flip my phone to face them as I find one of the portrait photos from prom that showed off my entire dress before flipping to the other one that showed off the low back.
"Damn girl!" Lillie exclaims. Grabbing the phone flipping through some more photos, "Oh look at Owen! She came to prom with you?"
"No, that was just a surprise," I say blushing. "Ken was leaving for the summer that year and he just wanted to have a nice little moment together?"
"I will never understand the two of you," Lillie says shaking her head. "You're so cute when you are together."
"What's there to understand? I was 16 and he was 22?" I say simply shrugging. "We made the best out of an unfortunate situation for the both of us."
It's easier to keep things simple to not go into the back and forth and wishy wash that had been Ken and me. I adore them, but sometimes it's easier to have friends who aren't watching what you eat, or constantly worried about bad days. Lillie poked and prodded more than Dahlia who often told Lillie in a reminder voice, that if I wanted to share that I would and I was allowed privacy. I've also learned that I don't owe anyone answers unless I want them to know the whole picture.
If they seen the scars on my legs, I mainly stated that I was in a bad place when I was fourteen-fifteen. I don't hide them, but I don't also go into detail if asked about them. I don't want to bring up the trial that had quieted down after the summer. I didn't want him to define my time in college.
I push away my empty salad container looking down at my phone. "I have to go find Tristan his class should be done by now," I tell them.
"See you tomorrow then," Dahlia says with a nod of her head.
"Be safe," Lillie grins at me, knowing exactly what happens when I have a spare few hours between school and work.
"I'm on the period so not much of that today." I laugh. "Though Trust me one kid is more than enough to always make you safe."
"When can we see her again?" Dahlia asks and I think to myself for a moment.
"Umm, I have her Thursday afternoon, we can hang out at the park or something for a while?"
"Deal," Dahlia grins and I laugh shaking my head.
I wait for Tristan, smiling when I see him come out of his class. He's tall with sandy blonde hair his summer tan is still fading slowly.
"Why hello there," he says greeting me with a kiss, his hand falling on my hips.
"Hello," I giggle lightly. "How was class?"
"It was good," He says we make our way down the hallway. "Yours?"
"The usual," I tell him flashing him a smile.
"So how much time do we have?" He asks looking at his phone.
"I work at four," I tell him. "I do have a few errands to make beforehand though."
"Where do you need to go?" He asks as we make our way outside.
"Just the Walmart for some tampons and pull-ups," I tell him.
"I thought you were done with potty training?" Tristan asks.
"For the daytime, yes still working on the whole overnight thing," I tell him with a sigh. "I won't be too long. I can meet you back at your place?"
"Are the tampons required or is this just a general stock up?" Tristan asked with a small smirk.
"It's only a requirement if you want them to be," I tell him and he makes a face and I laugh. "We can still cuddle and watch a movie or a few episodes of something." I remind him.
"I know, and I know what it means when it doesn't come as well," Tristan tells giving me a kiss on my forehead.
"I'll see in a little bit then?" I ask him and he nods his head.
We go our separate way to our own cars. We follow each other for a small bit before I make a right turn and he makes a left. I park in the parking lot of Walmart, parking before I grab my Walmart rifle through my wallet, and then my banking app to make sure that I had enough money.
I don't dawdle as I grab my things, making sure I grabbed the right size for Owen and a box of tampons.
I sigh at the total before I drive the familiar route to Tristan's and when I pull up he's outside on the phone.
"Everything thing is good mom, Rilla is coming over," He says smiling. "No, just her, yes I know mom. I gotta go, love you as well."
We walk through the common areas of his place, it was quiet since most of his roommates were at school still, though Seth is sitting at the messy table eating cereal. He nods his head to me.
"How's the minion?" He asks, we have classes together so he hears more of Owen because he's known me longer. Though he does the radio portion of the media and journalism.
"She's good, with her dad today," I reply simply and he nods his head. I take Tristan's hand and we go into his room and shut the door.
"How is Owen?" Tristan asks, something in his voice bothers me but I shrug it off.
"She's good, we had a fun morning yesterday," I tell him. "She was picking out what she wants to be for Halloween this year."
"And what is that?"
"A pretty dancer," I say laughing. "I tell her she's a pretty dancer already and doesn't need an excuse to wear a tutu, but she still wants to just be a ballerina. I'm sure Ken will talk her into something else, or he will try."
"Is she with him for Halloween?" Tristan asks next and I shake my head.
"We tend to tag-team it?" I say awkwardly. "Keep it as a family outing for her? You know for memories and effective co-parenting?"
"Right," he says. "You can still come to the party though?"
"I should be able to? I won't really know until the week before how things will end up?" I tell him. "But I will figure it out either way," I tell him.
We settle in on his bed for a few episodes on his laptop, though despite our best attention to watch to the show the stolen kisses and caresses win for the afternoon.
"I love you," I say quietly as our hands are making small dancing movements with our wrists, barely touching, but entwining here and there at the same time. "I love you for loving me and accepting me."
"Anyone would be a fool not to," Tristan says smiling down at me. "Whoever looked at you and said hmm not today needs their mind checked."
I bury my face into his chest, frowning for a small second. I know he doesn't mean it, or I don't think he does anyway. But when he says things like that its like a small jab at the other man who shares half of my daughter's DNA.
"I love you too," He says after a second, and I look back up at him and I flash him a smile.
I leave him with another kiss before driving to the board game cafe. I wave to my co-workers and go grab my apron and clock in for the night.
"I love your jeans," Stacie one of our newest hires says to me and I look down at them confused as I had found them second-hand shopping with Olivia one day.
"Oh thanks, I think they are from the early 2000s?" I say unsure. "I found them in the vintage shop with my friend," I explain to her, her blonde head nodding in disappointment.
"You like one of the few that could pull off those low-rise jeans," she continues on sighing wistfully. "Like how do manage to stay so skinny?"
I look at her, she probably only two or three sizes above me, still small. Just not my size of small. "I dance?" I say simply unsure of what else to say.
"Doesn't dance have some bad rep with eating disorders?" She says so innocently that I know she means no harm in it.
"Depends on the studio and your teacher?" I say after a moment. "Really, most of my family is tall and slender, it's most likely genetics?" I lie through my teeth.
"Stacie can you go wipe up a spill," Jesse calls out and I give her a look of thanks. Jesse was our manager, she was the one who hired still very messed up 17 year old me. One that came with a baby, a very small availability because of school, my job at the dance studio, counselling and being a mother. She watched me grow over the past year, becoming a more confident woman and placed small amounts of responsibility on me when she knew I could handle it.
"She is so curious," Jesse says shaking her head.
"Customers like her," I add on to her favour. "As do the kids who come in here."
"As long as we can get her to properly make a coffee without breaking something we will be fine," Jesse says with an amused smile. "I'm doing the schedule, is what you told me the other week still good?" She asks me.
"Should be," I think back to my colour-coded calendar I had sent a photo off for her.
"Sounds good then I'll be in the back. Mack says he'll be a few minutes late, his class went over but he'll be here." She tells me and I nod my head smiling.
We were in the full swing for a while as Mack comes in as he helps make drinks
"You always talk about Owen, is he your boyfriend?" Stacie asks as she takes the cash from the last customer in her line. Breaking into the conversation I had with Mack about Owen.
Owen is no secret here, but somehow she still hasn't managed to figure it out.
Mack bursts out laughing for me. "Owen is her kid Stacie, we told you on the first day that she has a kid?"
"But?" She looks over me confused. "Where did you put it?"
"I just sorta bounced back?" I say awkwardly. "She's two and a half now though," I say pulling my phone out of my back pocket and showing her my lock screen. I flick back to May of 2020, I don't have a lot of photos but I pull up one that Ken took of me.
"I was still relatively small for nine months pregnant, but she was born a few days later," I show her.
"You look so sad," Stacie comments frowning before looking up horrified. "I didn't mean it like that, just your eyes they look sad."
"I was going through a lot," I say trying to let her know it was fine as I pocket my phone and smile at her. "Things are better now though and if you ever work a Friday, you'll probably see her because her father brings her in for a little bit for some candy-land and steamed milk with a touch of chocolate sauce in it," I tell her as the door opens and it beeps to let us know we have no customers.
I step up to the cash and greet them.