October-2021

I yawn loudly as I wait for the coffee to drip and be ready. Dad was making scrambled eggs for us as Mom was making toast. I was just merely waiting for coffee, too tired to do much else at the moment.

"Didn't sleep well last night?" Dad comments to me and I shrug.

"If someone could sleep in her bed, I would have a night of much better sleep, but instead I am subjected to toddler feet and kicks," I explain with another yawn. "I don't know why she won't sleep in her bed, she does at Ken's or so he says when I asked him about it the other week."

"I warned that you should move her before a year old," Dad reminds me.

"Well, next time I'll listen to you," I told him deadpan and he gives me a look. There was no joking about other babies.

"Well, you might want to work on it, the last thing you want is to move out one day and have company over for the night and have her come crashing into bed," Dad tells me honestly.

"Though that is one way to get children to stay in bed and not come into rooms without knocking," Mom pipes as she butters the toast. "I don't think Jem ever forgot the lesson."

"Can we please stop talking about this," I say out loud?

"Look at her all squeamish," Mom tries to pinch my cheeks.

"You're only like this because I'm with Tristan, if we broke up tomorrow and by some strange miracle Ken was single as well you would be panicking over the fact this I am 19 and we would both be consenting adults." I know I'm right as both of my parents give each other a look that tells me I am right.

I sigh and take my cup of coffee. "Owen comes to have breakfast," I call out towards the living room.

"Also, you have nothing to worry about in regards to that. It's been almost four years and it's safe to say that we are good friends and nothing more." I tell them before I hear my child come running.

Dad puts Owen's plate on the table, and I give her some fruit on the side with yogurt. I keep to a bowl of overnight oats and my cup of coffee.

"I get day with mommy?" Owen asks and I shake my head.

"I have school, you're gonna go to daycare for the morning," I tell her, part of me wanting to ditch school and spend the day with her.

"Oh," she says quietly.

"But, you have me all afternoon," I tell her. "We can go to the library and get some books to read? I don't work tonight, and Daddy has to teach so you're actually stuck with me all day and night."

"Ice cream?"

"Umm," I start mentally thinking about how much money I had in my bank account. "I think I can manage some ice cream." If anything it would be for her only.

"We can share," she tells me excitedly. I smile at her, always sharing, I feel proud that I taught her how to share. Her life was just her life, she's still too little to understand everything and why we live with grammy and papa. She is too young to understand just how old I am and young I am to be her mother.

"Now eat your breakfast," I tell her getting up to get more coffee before I dig into my own. She chatters on about some show she had been watching with Ken until I get up and put my bowl in the dishwasher after rinsing it. "I'm gonna get your bag ready, and we both need to get dressed," I tell her kissing the top of her head.

"Piggy tails?" She asks.

"Of course," I tell her. "But breakfast first."

Owen looks at me as she shovels her scrambled eggs and plops a cut-up strawberry in her mouth, smiling broadly.

"Mouth closed please," I say shaking my head.

"Oh just let her be," Mom says shaking her head and I give her a look that essentially said, my kid, my rules. One dinner with Jem goofing around and she copied him immediately. I refuse to allow her to grow up uncivilized like my brother. How Faith put up with him was beyond me!

Getting her ready and my books ready took all the effort it seemed as she sat trying to put on her shoes by herself. I'm usually all for independence, but today we were going to be late.

"Owen, mommy needs to leave," I try to hurry her up. "Can mommy help you?"

"No, I do it,' she says stubbornly and I sigh. Finally, she gets the velcro on to her satisfaction and I finally get her in the car and buckled in.

I wave to my dad watching us from the window as we leave.

I drive down the familiar streets of the daycare and park on the side of the road. Trying to hurry so I wouldn't be late for my class.

"I want to go with you," Owen whines as I let her out of her car seat.

"I know bub, but you can't, so you will get to play with your friends," I explain to her as I lift her out of the car and grab her backpack.

"Stay by the car Owen," I warn her before taking her hand and shutting the car down.

I sign her into daycare telling them I would be back at noon to pick her up.

"Be good for me?" I whisper as I hug her.

"I be with you," Her lip wobbles.

"I know, and in a few hours you will be, mommy has a test today that she needs to do first though," I explain once more. I know when I come to pick her up she'll want to stay and play.

"Uhh, Rilla," Mary says looking slightly awkward and I push Owen off to the children.

"I know, I'm sorry. I get paid on Sunday. I'll transfer you over the money first thing," I tell her. "It was just tight last week and your mom said it be fine if it was a few days late."

"Of course, though if it's not in the account by Monday…" Mary warns me.

"I know, I'll have the money," I nod my head.

I got back to my car, groaning as grab my phone and check my bank account app all but five dollars sitting in there. I wanted to cry, but I don't have time for such things. I force myself to drive to school.

I make it to class as I sink into my usual seat with Lillie and Dahlia.

"Everything alright?"

"Yes, no? I don't know?" I say sighing. "Just life I guess? I'm broke, overdue on daycare fee and my daughter who sometimes who I barely see begged me to stay home with her today."

"Oh Love," Dahlia says wrapping her arm around my shoulder. "Can you not ask your parents?"

"And tell them I fail at budgeting or saving any money? They already do so much that I can't ask them for me. Daycare is my responsibility, and usually, its fine but Owen was sick and couldn't go, and no one else could watch her so I had to call in sick to watch her, and I lost my two shifts that usually pay for day-care. Being at 70-30, Ken still gives me money, but that was spent on other things at the beginning of the month, and if we keep going as we're going it's going to be 50-50 soon and at the point, there is no point to child support if were equally caring for her? I just need to make it to Thursday, Then next week I get paid from the studio and the baby bonus comes in and I'll be caught up."

Lillie mainly hugs me and we all put our attention to our teacher who was explaining the test today. Written thankfully, not practical because I don't think I could focus that much today, I'm not even on the docket for the broadcast today either so really it was a light day for me.

I pick up Owen, who launches herself at me when she sees me. I thank the worker and take her backpack from her cubby and pull off her little boots and zipped up her fleece fall jacket.

"Park?"

"Yes to the park," I nod my head as we get back into the car. "But first the library," I remind her buckling her in. I have a stack of books that needed to be returned from Mom and a few children's books that Owen took out last time.

"Remember the Library is the quiet place?" I look at her in a rear-facing car seat in the mirror.

"Yes, mommy," She nods her head and I smile at her.

The library is quiet, as in not busy when I drop off the returns and lead her into her the children's section of the main library branch.

She picks out her books, and we sit for a moment cuddling in a corner as I read one to her. Kissing the top of her head every once in a while as read quietly to her. I never liked reading until I realized that It was a free and easy time out of the house with her.

"Me a princess?" She asks looking up at me.

"You are a princess to everyone who loves you," I tell her laughing, ", especially to daddy and me."

Owen giggles and wiggles in my lap until she is standing. I pull up her pants which were falling slightly. I take her to the washroom before leaving the library.

Before leaving the library I zip up her coat and make sure her shoes are done up for safe measure I pull out a hat from my jacket pocket and tug it on her head. I put the new books in the car before holding hands we walk to the nearby park, I avoid parts of it still because they haunt me at night still. The day I came undone, the day I admitted to Ken for the first time what happened.

Part of me is hoping in somewhere she has forgotten about her wanting for ice cream as I chased her around the play structures.

"No mommy! No!" She squeals as I try and reach for her to tickle her sides. "No tickles!" We run around the playground, I purposely not catching her, but when I do I have us tumbling into a pile of leaves that had accumulated from under a tree.

We walk down to the harbour and when she sees the snack shack she scrambles down from my arm

"Icy crams!" She squeaks and I shake my head at her.

I let her go, the back of my mind reminding me that I only had five dollars. But at least I had a tank of gas, or at least enough to get me where I needed to be until payday.

I get her a small sundae of frozen yogurt, one I know that doesn't have any soy products in it because she still doesn't do well with soy products. The worker adds some sprinkles which delights Owenshe kneels on the chair across from me, face full of ice cream, hand sticky but I can't help but smile at her. I snap a few photos with my phone, capturing the memory forever. Two dark pigtails and her grey eyes looking up at me and a messy face.

I get her back in the car before I make one last stop before going home, Aunt Marilla who was older than ever, but still the same practical person she was ever.

"I didn't know you were coming today," Aunt Marilla says as she opens her door. "Come in then, I'll make some tea?"

"Milkie please," Owen says rubbing her eyes. She was ready for a nap. Aunt Marilla makes us tea and some warm milk in a sippy cup that she keeps around for Owen. She takes Owen from me softening. She always enjoys time with the new little ones of the family

"You've come so far," She comments as Owen falls asleep on her lap. "You should be proud of yourself and her as well."

"She only makes it easy because somehow she's polite in her nature," I tell her.

"Some of it is taught as well," Aunt Marilla tells me knowingly. "Don't underestimate your worth as a mother Rilla."

I nod my head slowly, still not completely believing it.

"Are you doing all right?" Aunt Marilla asks me with a look of concern. "You seem out of sorts? I thought you had that figured out?"

"I'm okay. I mean it's not a cure-all, they do help but it doesn't mean I still don't experience general emotions?" I try to explain to her.

"Well, I'm glad they help, nothing wrong with accepting a little help here and there." Aunt Marilla tells me. "How is school going?"

"It's good, busy but good. I like it more than I ever thought I ever would? I mean if I have to choose between anything and dance, I suppose it's a good enough choice that I won't be the family failure?"

"You are and never were a failure Marilla Nadine," She tuts her tongue at me. "You are who you are meant to be. Most of all you have grown up surrounded by love and have learned to love yourself through everything?"

Dad is in the kitchen when I get home unpacking the groceries he picked up from the grocery store. Owen runs off as soon as I get her jacket and shoes off.

"I ran into Mrs. Elliot today," he says after I said hello and my heart stops cold. He turns around to look at me. "Why didn't you just say something?"

"I had it figured out," I tell him.

"Rilla, you know you can always ask for help." Dad reminds me.

"You help all the time, if I ever want to move out, actually be an adult I need to do something by myself," I tell him grabbing a banana from the bunch. "Just a tight and busy month. Lots of tests, fewer shifts at work but I had it figured out.

"Asking for help isn't a weakness Rilla," Dad frowns.

"I know that! But I won't always have you to save me and I can't just assume that you will be around forever." I say frustrated. "Do I have to pay Mary on Sunday? Or should I just pay you?"

"Rilla," Dad groans and that tells me all that I need to know.

"You'll have the money Sunday," I tell him before turning. I go up to my room and check my messages, I don't work since I have a scheduled night with Beth, most of all I just enjoy having a day with Owen. I send a few photos of Owen to Olivia and my sisters and added them to the shared album that Ken and I use to share photos.

I mostly pick at dinner still angry at my father, Owen chatters away as she usually does Mom responds to it all with delight on her face. For someone who had been so upset and angry at my choice, she loves being a grandmother that is for sure.

I leave Owen with my parents before I drive the short drive to the old familiar office. The receptionist knows me by now and smiles at me and motions for me to head on in.

"You seem more stressed than usual?" Beth notices when I sink onto the sofa.

"When am I not?" I counter back and sigh. "Sorry reflex?"

"I know," Beth says smiling lightly. "We've been at this for quite a while. You wish to talk about it?"

I sit for a moment looking up at the ceiling, gathering my thoughts.

"Life is crazy, everyone treats me like a child and no matter how much I try to show that I'm the adult," I say. "It's just frustrating, I do my best, I try my best, and if they aren't satisfied or like it. they ignore what I've done and try to make it right their way and I'm left standing them wondering what did I do that was so wrong that it had to be fixed? I did the appropriate things, I explained I ask if I could pay for that week's daycare with next week when I get paid. They said it was fine since it rarely happens. Instead, dad finds out, goes and pays it behind my back and reminds me that asking for help isn't a weakness. I just wish they would accept the boundaries I try to put in place. How can I be a mother if someone always tries to tell me I'm doing it wrong?"

"How do you cope with this when it happens?"

"Depends? If Owens with her father I go to Tristan's."

"So sex?"

I shrug. "It's better than cutting, starving or hating myself? It's mutual and fun? We're safe and I'm in the pill."

"I wasn't passing judgment," Beth reminds me. "Your an adult and sex is a very normal thing and is often used to blow off steam."

"Sorry," I sigh again. "It just feels like I get judged for having a life? I mean they seem to like Tristan well enough to look past it. They make awkward jokes about sex which just make me uncomfortable. So I told them that if Tristan and I broke up, and Ken was single as well, they wouldn't be joking about it."

"How did they respond to that?" Beth asks.

"Awkwardly starred at each other and I called Owen for breakfast before they could say anything about it," I explain to her. "Then went on with my day, where I was mostly glad that it was quiet and I could just hang out with my kid. Even though I know I have only five dollars in my account, actually more like two dollars since I bought us some ice cream. I just—," I say stopping short as I stare up at the ceiling willing myself not to break and start crying.

"It's okay to cry," She reminds me gently. "It's also completely normal to feel inadequate about your abilities as a mother, but it never makes you less of a mother. All she will remember is the memories that you made with her despite your bank account being depleted."

"Yet I never rarely see her?" I exhale. "I have school, I have two jobs just to make enough money to get what I need in a month. She spends time with Ken, and then she asks to spend the day with me and more than 75% of the time I have to tell her I can't? And I know I did this to myself, I made these choices, I choose to have her—but it just hurts?"

"Can I tell you a little secret?" Beth says quietly and I nod my head. "Every mother, and I mean every mother feels like she's never doing enough or not there enough even when she is there all the time. We're always wondering if we made the right choice. Do I go back to work, or do I stay at home? We may never know the correct answer, but there should always be something in the day that reminds us that we're doing better than we think."

I nod my head.

"You still feel better in general though?" Beth asks and I just nod my head.

I get home in time for bath time, allowing me to break away from my thoughts.

"Ariel," Owen says holding up her mermaid.

"Yes Ariel," I say as I massage the shampoo through her hair. "Head back," I ask her as I pour the bucket of water from the tub to rinse her hair. Then it was a quick towel dry of her hair, some leave-in conditioner to help her curls not be frizzy. Pyjamas and a bedtime story with a kiss on her forehead.

I take a quick shower myself and wash my face before I fall into my own bed yawning.

"Mommy?" Owen says from the doorway.

"Come on," I tell her and pat my bed and she comes running over.

"Why live with Grammy and Pawpaw?" She asked randomly out of the blue. "Daddy alone?"

"Your grandma and grandpa, daddy's parents live far away, so he lives by himself. He is also a few years older than mommy," I try to explain to her I'm a simple way.

"Why?"

"Just how it is for us bubs," I say sighing simply.

"Parky again?" She asks again.

"Next week," I tell her quietly. "Tomorrow you get to see daddy," I tell her.

"Wuve you," She says as she snuggles into me putting a hand on my cheek.

"I love you too," I whisper, trying to not the tears escaping that were threatening behind my eyes.

Any comments was always cherished greatly and brighten up my day.

Tina