Guest-Well you weren't entirely wrong, but I will say that It was not that dance with Ken that made Tristan not join the party.

I'm glad that you feel the same about Tristan or got what I was going for!

Tina

November 2020

I remember fairly well at this point the day I met truly met Tristan at least I do in my dream at the very least.

"Do I know you?" I hear a voice as I look up from my laptop and salad as I sat in the school student centre.

"Pardon?" I ask swallowing the bite I had just taken.

"I've been wondering if I know you for the past two weeks. You come in sit, and eat that same salad every day. Off in your own little world, and I swear I know you from somewhere?"

"So you've been stalking me?" I ask him with a raised eyebrow. "Am I not allowed to eat my lunch and do homework?"

"Of course not, I've just been observing you." He shakes his head at me. "Okay, that sounds creepy still. "My name is Tristan I'm in the paramedic program," he tells me.

"Rilla, journalism and broadcasting."

"I know I've seen you on student news, but I feel like I've seen you somewhere else before.

"I thought you said you weren't stalking me?" I say raising one eyebrow before lowering it as he shuffles a bit. "Look, I am sure that you are a nice guy but I don't have time to do anything. I work two jobs, go to school and still live with my parents." I tell him trying to let him down gently but not bring up Owen.

"Surely you have free time?" He frowns at me.

"The last time I went out, one of my best friends got drugged after a hockey game," I tell him. "This is my schedule," I hold up old trusty colour coded to the inch of its life planner I had."

"Wait, that's where I know you from a party, you were younger, two years ago? It was the community centre I was visiting a cousin. You were there, I saw you dancing with friends."

I look at him and frown. "Sorry but you're not ringing any of my bells in my head, plus I have a daughter," I blurt out, hoping to end this conversation fast. "Which is why I don't have time to date. She's almost two and a half, I just turned 19" I tell him.

"I know, you mention her in the news occasionally," he says simply.

"And that doesn't bother you?" I ask him. I have learned in the past year that guys react in two ways generally, they ghost you or suddenly put you in the friend zone.

"I mean I would think if you were with the dad you would just say you were seeing someone then try to tell me all the reasons why you can't?"

"I'm sorry, I just," I say sighing. "I'm not great at this, but seriously I have very little time between school and work I'm not even sure if I have a pencil crayon colour to pencil you in as."

I groan as I wake up still trying to shake the dream and not to mention the toddler feet in my face with a headache that was already throbbing. 7 am.…five hours of sleep? At least I know I wasn't the only one hungover that day.

I cuddle with Owen until she wakes up and I carry her down to the small breakfast nook of the hotel we were in and grab myself some coffee and her some yogurt to tide her over once we were dressed a bit more appropriately for it.

Most of my siblings were nursing some sort of malady from too much drinking as we packed up to drive home. My phone held no messages, and I was still confused by Tristan as the morning passed. Especially when he showed up at my house without a word of warning.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him to shut the front door so you don't hear the dance-off that Owen was having with my Di and Walter who did not seem to care about anyone's hangover.

"I just…I'm sorry I saw you dancing with some guy and I got jealous," he says sighing.

"I was at a wedding Tristan, people dance. If you showed up and not sulked in the lobby maybe I would have danced with you." I tell him crossing my arms. "Also I danced with my brothers, father and Chris and Rye who are completely in love with Nan and Walter respectively, and yes I shared one dance with Ken because he took pity on me when I stared at the door for an hour waiting for you," I tell him.

"Mommy," the door swings up. "You come to dance," Owen announces.

"Baby it's cold outside." I grab her quickly as she wasn't wearing slippers and she stares down at Tristan.

"Who You?" She asks looking at Tristan and Tristan looks at me unsure of what to say.

"Mommy's friend was just stopping by to say hello," I say taking charge of the situation as she cuddles into me.

"Why mad if fwend?" She asks curiously and I sigh. I don't have time to replay because like the wind her curiosity shifts. She looks down and notices that his Vans that have some sort of stars wars characters on them. "Starry Wars!" She wiggles down and reaches out for his hand. "I show," she says practically shoving me out of the way as she drags him to her pile of star wars plushes that she had gotten over the years.

Tristan merely looks at me unsure of what to do. Owen plops down on the ground, her overalls pulling up around her chubby little legs "Porgy and Chewie, Rey-Rey and Leia," she says holding them up. "Sit!" She demands of him.

I merely shrug at him, what was the point at this point.

"Lord Vader," he says picks up the villain of the group.

"Vather," Owen agrees. "Me Rose," she says pointing at herself and he looks up at me for clarification.

"Her birthday is May the 4th as you know, May the Fourth be with you. Her middle name Rose came from Star Wars, not entirely my idea but it worked." I explain to him.

"Kids, brunch is ready," Mom calls out poking her head out of the kitchen. "Oh we have a guest, do you like pancakes Tristan?"

Tristan looks up at me and I just shrug what was the point at this point?

"Pancakes!" Owen scrambles up and begins running to the kitchen. Mom must have thought this was planned and I bite my tongue.

Tristan gets the full experience of dining with a toddler and the inevitable meltdown that comes with the plate of scrambled eggs I try to get her to eat so she had a bit of protein for breakfast and not the sixth pancake. Crying, screaming, throwing food until I haul her away from the table for a time out. Leaving Tristan with my siblings who I wasn't sure would mention the lack of his presence last night or not.

Once calm again and happy Owen was once again racing around the house and playing with Keys on the piano until Shirley pulled her onto his lap and played with her.

Finally, when I got her to sit down so I could crush her hair she steals my phone from me. Pushing buttons and telling it to call Daddy, which was his nickname on my phone for this very reason. He pops on FaceTime for her as I held her in my lap as she babbled to him and occasionally put the phone in my face.

At this point she pretty much ignored Tristan, doing her own thing and demanding every ounce of attention from me. Finally, at one point she fell asleep curled up on the sofa with Tank the old basset hound of Wynnie, who while old was still patient as ever with the children of the family.

"I should go," Tristan says quietly, still a little bit wide-eyed about the whole day so far. He doesn't say he'll call me, he doesn't even kiss me good or say I love you. He just nods his head at me and slips on his shoes and I just quietly stand there.

Maybe it's a good thing to be busy? Mostly because once Monday comes along again my days are filled with the steady hum of life. I don't really think of it in great detail.

Though by Tuesday I was panicking as I grab my phone and find my program director's number, meaning to leave a message that I wouldn't be in today but instead he picks up.

"Hello," he answers.

"Hi Clark, it's Rilla Blythe. umm, I just wanted to tell you that I don't think I'm making it today." I tell him. "I know it's an important day, but I'm just sort of stuck? Daycare is closed in an emergency, my parents are working, Ken—her father can't take her, because his class for the morning isn't child friendly. "

"Calm down, I understand and get it," he chuckles at my rambling. "Bring her to class, I was supposed to teach about finer interview techniques, but I can easily change it to interviewing a child. If you think she would do all right with it of course?"

I look over at Owen who was talking to herself in the mirror still in her underwear.

"She'll be fine, I'll talk to her," I say with a breath of relief. I tell him to thank you and hang out.

"Owen baby, we need to get you dressed," I tell her. "You're going to come to school with me today."

"Really?" She looks at me. "Like I go with Daddy?" She asks.

"Sort of," I tell her. "It's going to be a bit more than colouring, mommy's classmates are going to ask you some questions and maybe you'll see yourself on tv?" I explain as simply as I could mentally wanting to tell Clarke that I don't want her splashed about the college if he does record her.

"I get on TV?" She asks wiggling around and I laugh letting out my breath. She would be just fine most likely.

"Come along, we'll pick out something pretty to wear?" I hold out my hand to her and she takes it and pulls me up the stairs to the closet in her room.

She picks out a dress Leslie had sent her this summer, it was pink with a full skirt, lace and appliqué flowers.

"You have to be good if you wear it?" I tell her. "We don't want to ruin the pretty dress?" I remind her.

She nods her head to me thoroughly and I grab a pair of tights from her drawers and I help her dress, pulling up the tights and buttoning the back of the dress for tying the large bow at the back. Probably a bit of overkill for the day but if kept her compliant and happy I would let her wear anything she wanted.

I get her into the car with her own bag of things along with my school bag.

She holds my hand while walking through the hallways of college. Stopping by my locker to get things I needed for class and to put our coats away. Followed by a quick stop at the coffee shop for drinks for us. I get my coffee and a small carton of milk that I poured into her sippy cup.

Clark was smiling when we walked into class.

"I hope it's okay that she dressed up for the occasion" I joke to him.

"Of course it is, Don't you look wonderful today Owen," he says and she hides behind me.

"Hello," she says quietly before she sees Dahlia and Lillie. "Aunty Dolly and Lillie!" She shrieks and makes a beeline for them. Clark chuckles and straightens up.

"Don't feel bad, she'll always choose them if she can, unless it's Aunty Livia," Rilla tells him. "I'm not sure how well she will do today, and how long we have with her being excited for this."

"Which is the best practice," Clark tells me with a grin. "Children can be unpredictable but of course, if you think it's too much for her we can stop any time."

"This is all just hypothetical?" I ask. "I don't really like her being on any sort of media."

"Whatever you are comfortable it," Clark reassures me and I nod my head.

"Now Owen, you are going to sit in this chair and stay in this little area. Please, please don't touch any wires, or wires, anything please," I quietly plead to her. She nods her head to me and I go back behind the screening tv.

It stops my heart a bit seeing her all dressed up and her pigtails slightly lopsided on one side. Maybe I might have to ask for a copy of this for the future.

"Now, we're just going to ask you some questions ago about your mommy all right?" Clarke says to Owen. "She's just right over there," he points to me to her left.

"What do you like most about your mommy?"

"Mommy reads to me," she says her little legs swinging from the chair, her little black Mary Janes with little bows on them on display.

"She reads to you, does she? What else?" Clarke asks her next.

"Plays dollies, colours tith me," Owen responds. "Mommy dances with me."

We take breaks when needed, feeding her from her never-ending supplies of snacks from her bag.

At one point Owen was dancing about on set with Lillie and Dahlia. Twirling around and giggling as she ducks under one of my class open legs. I don't think this is exactly what Clarke had in mind today, but it's a decent crash course in toddlers that was for sure.

She settles down one more enough for another slue of questions.

"What is something your mommy doesn't let you do?" One of my classmates asks Owen.

"Mommy has balloons me no play with," She says pouting. "In her room."

Lillie looks at me with a raised eyebrow trying to stifle her giggles and I swat at her arm.

"What is something you love about your mommy?" Another asks her and she finds me and I smile at her.

"She pretty and takes baths with me if me sick," she says looking over at me. "She also finds poop and toots funny.

I groan openly blushing bright red. I didn't necessarily find them funny all the time, but sometimes it's just easier to laugh when your brother is reading Everybody poops to your daughter, or having farting competitions like she's a boy and not a girl. But that is Shirley and Jem for you.

Walter is the one who reads her fairytales and takes her shopping that is for sure.

She falls asleep in the car when I drive home. I carry her inside and lay her down on the couch as I pull out my computer to finish a few things for school before I would have to go to work.

I snap a photo of her sleeping and then look over my phone at her being interviewed by my classmates. I send a couple to Leslie to reiterate another thank you and knowing she would love to see Owen the dress.

Oh, she is precious! What were you doing today? Leslie responds almost automatically.

I took her to school today, we had some fun interviewing a toddler. Not always the easiest thing!

Oh, I can imagine, you never know what will come out of their mouths! Leslie replies knowingly.

Oh yes, she told everyone essentially I enjoy poop jokes and that I don't let her play with balloons I keep on my bedside side table.

I'm sorry dear but that is priceless, I have to go to the last meeting of the day but thank you for the photos! Leslie tells me and I put aside my phone after typing no worries and you're welcome.

It was Thursday when I find Tristan waiting for me after I get out of my class.

"Can we talk?" He asks quietly. "Privately?"

I look over to Dahlia and Lillie who were beside me as we were going to head for lunch.

"I'll meet up with you later," I tell them who nods their head. I walk with Tristan to a quiet corner and sit down at the table that was in the cove of the window.

"What did you want to talk about?" I ask him hesitantly.

"I don't think I can do this," he replies and it cuts through me like a knife. "I've been running it through my head and I thought I'd be ready for it, but I'm not and I don't know if I'll ever be ready to ever be truly second in your life."

"You've been running it through your head?" I ask him even though parts of me expected this it still threw me for a loop at the same time.

"I spent the afternoon with you and I got five minutes total maybe to be with you and I was exhausted by being told what to do by a toddler," Tristan says from his spot in the lounge area. "I just have to be honest about this to myself and just say I'm going to be the type to cut it."

"You spent the last three months fighting me for this and then you decide that it's not what you want?" I clarify, my voice catching her and there.

"No Rilla, it's everything. You barely let your parents see me as well, I have always hidden away. I watched you at the wedding, I watched you with her at home and I came to the realization that I can't do this, but also you don't love me." Tristan says sighing. "

"What do you mean of course I love you and yes I try to keep my parents out of my dating life because they don't need to put their nose more than they have between us. You know this and how they are." I exclaim entirely confused now.

"Or is just how you see them Rilla, it never felt like they have a problem with me it's always you making ups something to be annoyed at. Sometimes it feels like you try so hard to prove yourself to the world and them. That you don't see yourself sabotaging everything good around you." He says shaking his head.

"I don't sabotage and I do love you!"

"But I'm not the one on your mind at night, I'm not the person you think of first when something goes right. I can understand being second in your life when it comes to Owen, but I'm not even third, or fourth." Tristan says across the table. "I used to be able to ignore it, that nagging feeling but I know now it won't change. I'm just never going to be that person, and I deserve to be that person to someone."

"I have to go," I say getting up trying not to cry in the middle of school.

"Rilla,"

"No! It's said and done and I don't have to sit here and listen to someone tell me how I feel or don't feel," I say shaking my head and grabbing my bag. "Nothing I say will change your mind, I'm just glad that I stuck to my guts and never formally introduced you because you just proved all my points."

I rush out of school, after grabbing my jacket from my locker and race out to my car. Locking the door I cry. I call Olivia crying on the phone hoping she wasn't working or doing school work and she picks up thankfully.

"Hey what's up?" She says out of breath.

I can't say anything as I sob.

"Rilla, Rilla, talk to me, what happened, what's going on?" She asks as it sounds like she's unlocking her door and sitting down on her bed.

"I screw everything up, everything! I try to be a good mother, daughter, and girlfriend and something always fails. Why do I try? Why do they always say they can handle it, and then give up when it doesn't go their way?"

"Oh honey," Olivia says sympathetically. "Do I have to go beat him up for you?"

"He said I didn't love him, not like how I should love him. That he could take being second in my life, but being an afterthought, third or fourth wasn't cutting anymore. I'm sorry if my toddler doesn't need to meet the guy I've been dating for only eight months? Like she just grasped the concept of toilet training! Then when he does unofficially meet her, he decides that this isn't what he wants? Sure you can say better now than later but what the fuck!" I spew out to the car's system.

"You'll find someone who understands it one day, or it will get easier and you'll have it figured out more." Olivia tries to comfort me and I want to believe her but in this moment in time, it doesn't feel like it at all.

In all honestly, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this chapter, but is a chapter and it needed to be done so I hope its alright to all you lovely readers.

As always any comments are greatly appreciated.

Tina