Snoopy Gallery! Thank you what a compliment! I am glad that you are enjoying both stories and hope you continue to enjoy this one! Only a few more chapters before I get to the point of what I am sure everyone is waiting for! Thank you again!

December 2020

My room is a mess, at least a mess in my eyes at the very least as I zone in on the endless amounts of clutter and dirty clothes that I had lying around. When was the last time I dusted or even swept my floor? I can hear Aunt Marilla's lovingly sarcastic wise words of 'A few minutes a day, keeps the dust bunnies away'. Which doesn't help, as I stare at the photo's I still have up on my wall, ones of Tristan and I. Ones I took with my polaroid camera smiling and laughing, kissing and having fun times at the beach, when everything had been simple?

I reach for them, ripping them from the lighted line of clothespins that I had up on my wall. Tossing them into a drawer bitterly, because I missed those days when it was all still new and fun. I find myself ripping off my sheets and mattress protector because you know sleeping with toddlers who still haven't quite mastered the whole bathroom at night thing, you need one. I bundle it all together in one of the laundry baskets that I grabbed from the closet.

I make use of my time to flip up my mattress and pull at the bed skirt, suddenly horrified at the mess underneath my bed, and what looked like a very old vacuum-sealed sip cup of god knows what.

I gag at the thought of it as I decide at that moment to sacrifice the cup that looks expensive because there is no way in hell I am opening it.

"What are you doing?" I look up to see a slightly concerned Walter watching me.

"Cleaning what does it look like?" I say rolling my eyes as I grab a pair of dirty toddler pants and throw them into the hamper.

"You have the cleanest rooms I've ever seen," Walter says confused.

"Well, maybe to your standards but to mine it's disgusting," I hiss at him as I open up the closet doors. Attacking it with my eyes as I scan my clothing, "Like seriously I haven't worn this in over a year why is it still here?" I say holding up a spring dress.

"Because it's the middle of winter, and you love that dress," Walter tells me taking it out of my hands and taking my hands into his.

"What's with the freak-out-induced cleaning?"

"I'm not freaking out," I say huffing.

"Yeah and I'm not on a handful of medication to help me be mentally stable," Walter says giving me a look. "This about Tristan? Did something happen between the two of you? You're not pregnant again are you?"

"I'm not pregnant trust me on that one," I snap at him.

"You broke up," Walter says simply and I growl under my breath as I pick up something else that I deem garbage in my mind and toss it in the bag of garbage.

"It doesn't matter," I say forcefully as I try to pass him. "Now please excuse me while I go see what is hidden under my spawn's bed before it gets left there for god knows how long."

"Rilla," Walter says sighing. "Clearly it does matter."

"It doesn't, because nothing else matters to the universe about my life." I sneak around him to my daughter's room.

The sight of toys all over the floor sends me more into a tizzy as I sweep up them up and toss them into the bins. I swore I had told her to pick them up….even though the other side of my mind reminds me she's only two and half years old and these things take time. Luckily she was at Ken's for the night.

I tackle her sheets, pulling the dirty ones off and her pillowcases. Thankfully there were no cups under her bed, but there was the missing tub of diaper rash cream that looked like it was also rubbed into the floor and wall. There is something oddly crusty on her comforter, seriously what is with children?

"Yes because cleaning like a crazy lady is the way to make it better," Walter says sarcastically.

"Well, it's better than the alternatives, because at least even in my low point I never tried to kill myself, so really how did cutting go for you?" I say sarcastically back.

"That is," Walter says sighing. "That is low even for you right now."

I watch him turn away from me shaking his head, and while I instantly feel bad about what I said. Still, I find myself too stubborn to apologize right away.

I throw the bedding into the washing machine, I make right of the rest of the mess in the rooms until the washer is done and I switch it over. Without Owen, for the day and night, I do the next best thing in my mind. I pack a bag full of dance things and my pointe shoes.

I text Tessa, asking if it would be all right if I rented the studio for a little bit, the dance shop was open after all. I always ask about renting it, but the reality is she never charges me for it, but it's at least polite to ask?

"Where are you going?" Di asks seeing my bag.

"I'm going to head to the studio, if I leave now I can catch the bus to the city," I tell her without any sort of emotion mostly because my car is still in the shop.

"Do you want a ride?" She asks, "I was going to grab a few things for mom?"

"Sure I guess," I say picking up my bag and tossing it over my shoulder.

"You okay?" Di asks as she drives one-handed with the steering wheel as I stare at her. "Or just still a bit wary about cars?"

"I'm just having a day that's all," I say sighing.

"That doesn't mean you can take it out on other people," Di reminds me quietly, which makes me feel like she overheard Walter and me arguing. "We all miss her Rilla, I know you were close to her but we all were as well."

"It wasn't about that," I say looking out the window. "I didn't get made because of that."

"Well, I'm sure when Tristan comes back from the holidays you'll be perkier?" Di says trying to help.

"There is no more Tristan," I say quietly.

"But?" Di says frowning. "After the wedding, that afternoon he was so good with Owen?"

"Yeah, being good with someone's kid doesn't mean you necessarily want to be permanently in their life sadly. Everything I had been worried about disappeared that afternoon, only for him to come around and pretty much prove my point from the beginning. He wasn't ready, but he kept pushing at it, and suddenly it was all too much." I explain impassively.

"Oh honey," Di says trying to grasp one of my hands. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because it's embarrassing?" I say shrugging. "Because mom and dad will just get all weird about things? I don't know? Just easier to not say anything?"

I roll through barre, grimacing at my tight body. I really needed to dance more, I truly did and at least know I had more time for that potentially now. I warm up my muscles, and my body enough to go through variations in my pointe shoes that are ingrained into my memory at this point.

I haven't danced like this in ages, because teaching dance is not the same thing. Yes, it keeps me decently pliable dance-wise, but it's never the same in my mind.

When I have enough of pointe or realize that dying pointe shoes are dying a slow and steady life. I take them off, letting my toes wiggle around happily as work on my pointing as I'm sitting down.

I dance without them for a while, just letting the music run through my body.

I bet it makes you laugh
Watching me work so hard to reach you
You never gave a damn, about all of those things I did to please you
All that you wanted, you found somewhere else
And nothing could drag you away from yourself

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

Flashes of Tristan, and other boys who have only made it past a date or two, pour into my mind as I try and keep my grasp. Twisting and turning trying to escape the haunting of my mind.

No one really gives a damn, about the effort that comes with dating. The scheduling and time away that could be doing something else important. I gave up hours of my life, dancing to be with Tristan, I was an eager participant when it came to sex.
Yet it is never enough for them to try?

Lucky I've been through hell
Backroads and shortcuts I know them well
Baby just stick with me
We'll make it together, just wait and see

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

My heart beats fast, too had HIS face appeared in my mind. Off the misery, all the work of making that face be something I am disconnected with. Because he is never someone I can be with, even if he's the person who has been at my side during every horrible thing in the past few years.

My mind flashes back to him showing up, all those years and months ago. Leaning against his car after driving nineteen hours to see me. To see if it was true.

He caught me mid-fall and helped me gain my balance, allowing me to become a better person. Or maybe it was all me? I did the work, didn't I? I ask myself as I arch my back, bending backwards, raising my weightless foot in front of me, before I bring it behind me, straightening my back as I gain momentum, kicking off, rising on the ball of my foot, twirling

In the end, it's just Owen and me, though one day she'll leave me too as most children do. If I do all right at that mommy thing, it won't be until she older, but if I don't she could go run and live with him over something. God the amount mom and I have fought over the years, I can only imagine what my own teenage daughter and I will be like? Would I have someone else in my life at that point? Would I ever have anyone to share my life with romantically?

I gasp as I land on my foot funny, feeling something in its stretch, tighten. Hurt, it hurts as I hobble over to my bag to examine it.

"Let me see it," Tessa says coming from the doorway, she must have come in without me noticing?

"I'm all right," I try to tell her.

"You may have hidden bruised toenails and other things in the past from me, but I saw you land on it and the expression on your face that something went wrong," Tessa says shaking her head. "Or should I call your father?"

I glare at her but let her poke my foot a few times and do a couple of things. I hiss a few times but it's not broken, and

"I think you'll be fine, just don't do anything crazy for a few days," Tessa tells me. "If it starts swelling have your dad look at though. Ice it tonight, and don't wear heels for a few days."

"I thought you weren't in today?" I ask her.

"Laura was having trouble finding an order that came in, it was put in the wrong place," Tessa tells me. "I was running errands as it was so it was of little consequence to stop by."

It was dad who end up picking me up, much like old times. Much like his look as he sees me limping.

"I just twisted it," I tell him stepping into the car.

"How are you otherwise? Walter said you were having a bad day?" He says and I shrug.

"Is that what he called it?" I ask him.

"More or less, he asked if you were eating or not," Dad tells me honestly.

"I'm eating, I take my pills, I go to therapy, having one bad day, doesn't mean I'm spiralling out of control," I say rolling my eyes.

"No one said you were," Dad reminds me. "I reminded him of the same thing, but he did say something that I am wondering about?"

I look over to Dad and sigh.

"Doesn't it really matter why? We broke up and there is nothing to talk about," I say not wanting to get into with him of all people.

"You both seemed happy when we saw you with each other, and he seemed to enjoy Owen that afternoon?"

"Yeah, enjoying a kid for an afternoon doesn't make them cut out for the long term," I remind him. "You and mom can give all the advice you want, but honestly you never dated anyone but each other. You don't know what it's like and how hard it is, I respected his decision and I want to just let it be and I want everyone to just respect that by not bringing it up."

"Fair enough, but I am hurt that you didn't feel like you could say something about it to us. It's like you still don't trust us?" Dad says honestly.

"I just didn't want to get into it," I say shrugging. "No fun in reliving it constantly, we broke up end of the story. Plus the moment I'm single you get weird, you question everything I do with Ken and I didn't want that again."

"The last time you were single and Ken was single was a while ago and we were never weird about it." Dad rebuts.

"Really because I remember one time I came home later than I said I was going to be because Owen had gotten sick and we needed to bathe her and clean her up. Mom went ballistic and all but accused me of sleeping with him?" I say with a look.

"She was just worried," Dad tries before sighing. "She did apologize."

"She apologized after she found out that he was seeing Victoria, so it wasn't much of an apology." I remind him once again.

"You work tomorrow morning?" Dad asks changing the subject for me thankfully and I nod my head. "I'll give you a ride in the morning then. Denis at the dealership said the part they needed came in for the car so It should be ready for you tomorrow after you finish work. That way you can start the new semester with the car for school."

"How much will it be?" I ask sighing.

"Insurance covered it," Dad speaks up. "They will reimburse for a new car seat for Owen as well. You can buy a new one tomorrow, use the credit card and save the receipt. I will send it in."

"All right then," I say nodding my head.

I hang out with Shirley and Wynnie who had already fallen asleep and were watching a movie after work the next day. Walter and Rye were already out by the time I got home both days, so I had yet to fully apologize to him. I zone out as I am waiting for Ken to drop off Owen before dinner time. I absentmindedly pet Tank who is curled up near me, listening to his grumbling snores, until he wakes up gruffly, jumping up on the back of the couch grumbling, his tail wagging.

"What is it, boy?" I ask him not moving while Shirley turns his head from the love seat to look out the window.

"It's Ken with Owen," Shirley tells me before talking to Tank. "Are you excited old boy?"

Tank grumbles more until he hears the knock on the door, his butt and hind legs wiggling before he turns himself around and jumps off the couch.

"Tank!" Owen shrieks when she sees him upstairs, as he is not upstairs all that often, she runs to him and wraps her arms around him and he licks her face which she giggles at.

"What am I chopped asparagus?" I say to her.

"Mommy!" She says before she runs and jumps on me.

"What did you feed her?" I joke to Ken laughing as I tickle her, breathing in her unique scent that made everything all right in my mind.

"Just the usual, chicken nuggets, broccoli, Mac and cheese," Ken says laying her bag by the door.

"Did you say goodbye to daddy?" I ask Owen quietly.

"Bye-bye Daddy," she chants climbing over me to lean over the edge of the couch and he sneaks over and kisses her.

"Have a good weekend!" I tell him as he turns back to the door.

"You as well," he says quietly before shutting the door.

"Are you excited about your sleepover?" I ask Owen. "You get to play and hang out with Lilah?"

"Babies?" Owen asks as she settles down beside me and Tank jumps up and cuddles in as well.

"No babies this time," I shake my head.

"Baby you?" She asks looking at me and Shirley snorts. I glare at him as he laughs hard enough that Wynnie wake-ups. She had spent the morning at the veterinarian clinic and from what Shirley told me when I had come home to her napping that it had been a tough morning at work for her, which meant the same thing usually when Dad lost a patient. Except in her case, it was usually the one helping end the lives of animals. I don't know how she did it, but she did it with all the compassion she could muster.

"Don't mock Rilla," Wynnie reminds him. "It could very well happen to us and that wouldn't be as funny."

"Yeah, don't mock me," I add on grinning at Wynnie. "And sadly, no brother or sister for you, Mommy doesn't need anybody but you," I tell Owen, booping her nose for emphasis.

The pub was dark, loud and dark with a particular smell of beer but at least I was out for a change. Delilah and Owen were tucked into her bed with my parents minding them for the evening, and I even managed to apologize to Walter about the other day. I sacrificed my heels for a pair of comfortable flat boots that gave my twinging ankle some support.

My silver tank top and black skinny pants. Drinks poured and people cheered, the alcohol ran hot down my throat into my stomach. We were out having fun, Dahlia was wearing a long tunic and leggings, her hair braided and wrapped up in a velvet head wrap. She doesn't drink so she is technically our DD for the night and her boyfriend works in the pub that we frequent when we can.

Miranda was in a shiny dress, always carefully guarding drinks and keeping an eye out for anything sketch. Olivia was in a black and white crop top and a pair of high-waisted pants with heels on. While Lillie is in jeans and a crop top, nothing crazy or special mostly because she hates dressing up. Her hair passed over with a flat iron and she had some bright eyeshadow and eyeliner on. Olivia wearing something short and halter-styled dress, despite the winter weather. Miranda was the only one who still felt wary about drinking outside of one of our houses, but she invited out no matter what.

Chelsea who managed to make it to our gathering is in a lace top and pair of dark jeans. After a quick introduction, the conversation was easy to manage with my group of friends.

We dance to whatever music they are playing at first as a group of girls. My body moves to the music like water in the sea. Arms up in the air as I relax I am no one's mother, girlfriend, or daughter right now. We are just a bunch of girls having fun.

I don't expect to see him, especially tonight of all nights, but I don't know exactly what he does with his free time, no more than he knows about what I do with mine these days. We often have opposite schedules given that most of the time one of having a child to take care of.

"We're the Dachshund Confessional, thank you for coming tonight." One of the guys I don't know says into the microphone.

I shake my head knowing just who the band was named after. There is a good chance that Ken will never realize that we are here. Hidden in a dark corner in a fairly large crowd. He plays guitar more often these days, something he picked up from the previous summer and his role in the TV movie.

"Isn't that Ken?" Dahlia nudges me pointing up to the stage

I can only nod my head, pointing him to Chelsea who was also know curious about just who was Owen's father. She raises her eyebrow, and I quietly promise to explain more later. I don't pay much attention to the stage as we huddled in our booth together. The bar never actually plays true dance music and it's a mix of everything while you can dance as some are to the live music, we prefer to just sit and listen and drink some more.

"This is a new one we learned, this is Overpass Graffiti by Ed Sheeran," one of the guys said, before letting Ken take more of a centre position on stage.

I fall into the music and the lyrics, I know the song because I've heard it on the radio before. I also know Ken enjoys the artist. As well, I just didn't expect him to share in the vocals, after not singing for the first few songs they have

His voice is clear, a bit more rough than the original, but it suits.

This is a dark parade
Another rough patch to rain on, to rain on
I know your friends may say
This is a cause for celebration, hip-hip-hooray, love
Photographs in sepia tones
It's so still, the fire's barely fighting the cold, alone
There are times when I can feel your ghost
Just when I'm almost letting you go

The cards were stacked against us both

I will always love you for what it's worth
We'll never fade like graffiti on the overpass
And I know time may change the way you think of us
But I'll remember the way we were, you were the first full stop
Love that will never leave
Baby, you will never be lost on me

"That song is about you!" Miranda shouts at me.

"It's just a song Miranda" I shake my head. Dragging her into the washroom where while quieter our hearing still had yet to adjust from the lack of loud music so everything felt clouded over, while the other girls follow.

"How can you ignore that, you're both single for the first time in over a year and he sings that?" Miranda presses on.

"How do you even know that they broke up, or are on the verge of breaking up?"

"I mean Victoria has mentioned on her Instagram that she just accepted a job back in B.C?" When Olivia and I look at her wondering what she was going on about.

"You stalk her on Instagram?" Olivia says deadpanned.

"I followed her before she and Ken got together, I like her style," Miranda objects. "But you knew about it! I have to be right!" She exclaims to me.

"Miranda, he doesn't even know that Tristan and I broke up," I snap at my friend insane thinking.

"You've been broken up for weeks?" Miranda frowns.

"So? He doesn't need to know about it. I only know about Victoria and him because I asked about her." I plead with her to drop it. "Things were good between us, why ruin it? There was a reason that I don't broadcast my break-ups the moment I do. My entire family gets weird about it."

"Which is true," Olivia says confirming it for everyone who was listening to me and Miranda.

"It's been three years," I say sighing. "I can't live in the what-ifs and unknown. I need to live my life, we were young and stupid and it's all in the past these days." I stress to her, despite knowing how I felt the other day while dancing.

"I'm sorry," Miranda says frowning. "I guess I didn't think, I just always saw you two together and thought you were perfect for each other."

"Let's just have some fun tonight and forget about it all right. When do I have a chance to get shit-faced and stay out till 2 am?" I remind her. Not that I planned on it, but the idea would at the very least cheer everyone up.

The first song is by Liz Phair- Everything to me,

The second is as stated in the chapter.

Hope everyone is healthy and having a good week! Any comments are welcomed and cherished.