March 2021
I don't know why I am so nervous as I look at my phone with Olivia's messages on it. Ken and I agreed besides a good friend or two, that our new relationship would be between us only. That friend was Olivia for me.
I try to picture her reaction, her response. Would she be happy for me, for us? I remember her admission at Christmas and I sigh. If I didn't tell her though, it would feel like a betrayal.
I sit in my car, she's home for reading week, the spring break of college.
"Oh I have missed you," She says getting into the car. "No munchkin?"
"She's with Ken," I tell her shaking my head and smoothing the skirt of my dress that I was wearing. I would go over later and have dinner with him and maybe a movie and some good old-fashioned making-out session?
God this whole dating thing was brilliant for just one little reason.
We drive down to one of the smaller coffee shops that overlooked the ocean and order some pastries as well.
"You look nervous," Olivia says as we sit down with the table number.
"Do I?" I ask her trying to not give myself away, but she looks me over once more.
"You're glowing and have a rather happy-to-the-eyes sort of smile going on," She concludes. "So who is the guy?"
"Who says there is a guy," I say trying to fool her for a little while longer.
"Oh cut it out," Olivia looks at me. "It's all over you." She says as our coffee and pastries come to us finally. "Who is he?"
"Ken," I say quietly.
"Excuse me?" Olivia says in disbelief. "You found another guy named Ken?"
"Nope," I say looking her in the eye and shaking my head.
"Oh…" Olivia says taken aback and takes a sip of her coffee. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"
"We think it's a good idea for us," I say nodding my head "It's time, we both agree to that."
"It's just, it's something really big," Olivia says carefully. "There is just so much at stake with it?"
"You think we don't know that Liv?" I say sighing. This was not going as planned, granted I had a feeling that she wouldn't be totally on board, but stilt stung more than I thought it might. I know she just worried for me, but it doesn't stop the sting. "You think we haven't come to this decision without talking about the repercussions, the what if's, the fallout if this all goes upside down? We have and we think it's worth it, the timing, everything lately. It feels like it's our chance to figure this out?"
"I'm just worried that's all?" Olivia says looking at me.
"Don't be worried about us, we'll be okay Liv. We need to do this, we need to try. We don't want to regret not trying, Things are different now, we've both changed and grown in a way neither of us has expected."
"And if you regret trying one day if it doesn't turn out how you wanted it to be?" She says quietly?
"I'm not looking for a fairy tale, I just want someone who I can potentially love, and to be loved back. I've dated, I've had a relationship and I always felt like two different people with them. I could never join Rilla the college girl, and Rilla the mom together. If I did it just ended badly, at least with Ken I can be all the version of myself. I don't have to hide or put one away." I try to explain to her. "But we do have plans in place, even Owen won't know about us until we feel that we won't screw things up. It's a slow start Liv, I mean it. We're not rushing things."
"You've talked about this didn't you," Olivia comments looking up at me. "No jumping into things?"
"We're not jumping into this at all, it's not like we're sprouting the L-word to each other. We spent the last year and a half, almost two years growing apart to grow up, keeping our lives separate. Now we are just trying to figure out if we can fit our lives together again?"
"You went to him?" Olivia asks still unsure of what I was trying to tell her and I nod my head.
"This all came from me, I approached him," I stress to her. "I want to try, I need to try Olivia, I need to know whatever happened between us. Taking it slow right now, just kissing right now, honestly, the thought of sex is rather terrifying which is something new."
"Well, yeah, he's seen it all before and watched you have a baby. It's not the same, he's seen your boobs be multiple sizes in the past four years," Olivia reminds me.
"Oh thanks for that up of confidence," I say rolling my eyes playfully.
"How long do you think this slow business will last?" Olivia asks honestly raising an eyebrow.
"Well, with a toddler always around probably much longer than you probably expect," I give her a look.
"Well, don't take this the wrong way I'm not calling you names but given your history with Ken and other guys you've dated. Before this turns serious, maybe just go get a clean bill of health for your lady bits," Olivia says to me quietly.
"Already taken care of," I say quietly. "After Carter and assessing some of my life choices in the past year, not that I let any guy not use a condom. I just wanted to be sure I guess?"
"Good no one ever enjoys the clap, and no more babies either. As adorable as the one you have already made together. I'm way too poor be an auntie twice over please!"
I laugh out loud at the sheer thought of that happening.
"God no, birth control is in my veins don't worry. We just spent like 300 dollars getting her clothing for the summer, we don't need another." I tell her sighing at the shopping cart total.
"If he hurts you I will kill him and not hide his body," Olivia tells me next.
"I'm sure you'll have to get in line with that one eventually," I tell her. "God I can only imagine what my parents will say, or my siblings."
"They don't know yet?"
"I don't plan on telling them anything until we are sure that this is going to work? I told you because, well it's you and I needed to tell somebody?" I reply honestly.
"Is that wise though?" Olivia frowns. "Hiding it from them?"
"If I didn't have to, I wouldn't Liv, seriously. I can't even hang out with him with someone insinuating something." I try to explain. "We need to do this without anyone knowing first so we stand an actual chance. The moment we tell them, our business will be everybody's business and we don't want that to corrupt us."
Olivia nods her head taking another long drink of her coffee.
"As long as you are happy," she stresses. "Then I can be happy for you."
"Thank you," I say quietly.
"You can thank me later when we get you some new underwear and bras," Olivia says grinning. "I mean I really don't see either of you lasting as long as you might hope. I mean given your track record, I give it four weeks tops if you really try?"
"It's already been over two," I tell her crossing my arms. "And thanks for the vote of confidence, I'm sorry I was a whore before and didn't care about stuff much."
"Okay, you really need to understand that enjoying and liking sex doesn't make you a whore or a slut." Olivia reminds me. "Though you've never been more adamant about such things so what's the problem why are you afraid?"
"There is no problem to be afraid of?" I say looking at her confused.
"But there is, so what is it. I mean it's Ken you should be jumping over the moon to try to be in his bed right away…I mean you're crazy beautiful and have an ass of a goddess." Olivia says off-handed. I squirm in my seat uncomfortably and she looks at me.
"You're afraid?" She says sobering.
"Olivia, Ken has seen me…he's seen me in some of my vulnerable moments. He watched me have a baby, he's watched me breastfeed…this body. This body is a complete stranger to what it was all those years ago, and what if he remembered what it was like before?" I say quietly.
"You think he remembers or even cares about that sort of thing? If Tristan didn't care, or any other guy about a few stretch marks and slightly not as perky boobs why would he care?"
"We just have a history that's all?" I say sighing.
"Come on," Olivia says pushing her empty cup away from her. "You need a lesson in confidence."
"I have to pick up Owen," I try to object to whatever she had going on in her mind.
"Who is with Ken, and I am sure when you are there you will get all sucky face the moment she takes a nap?" Olivia tells me with an air of confidence that she is correct.
"Why are you sucking face with Ken?" I hear the voice of my eldest sister and I turn to see Joy with the stroller that was the twins who were eight months old butterballs of curls and baby dimples.
"Ummm," I say looking at her, and then Olivia and back at Joy.
"You can't tell Mom and Dad, especially Mom!" I say rushing out. "Oh please don't say anything to them."
"You're dating?" Joy says drawing it out, letting it roll off her tongue as if she trying to decide how she feels about such things. "You didn't get drunk and sleep together again did you?"
"God no! Really Joy?" I exclaim then sigh. "It's just new and we don't want to jinx things?"
"Okay, well that's good I guess," Joy says as one of the twins fusses. "Scarlett, please let mummy have her coffee please?"
"How do you tell them apart? You didn't even see which one cried?" Olivia asked rather intrigued.
"Scarlett always fusses, but generally her voice is higher than Samantha's," Joy explains easily. "Sam usually grunts more than cries, and just has a less high-pitched vocal sound than her sisters."
"Where is Delilah?" I ask thankful for the change of subject.
"With Matt, and don't think we are done here missy," Joy reminds me as her order is called. "There is a lot to unpack with this statement of yours." She says when she sits down beside us.
"Joy please," I say pleading. "I want this, it just feels right and natural for us to try this right now. I made the choice, I approached it."
"Was there any alcohol involved?" Joy looks at me with steady eyes.
I look down at the table, unable to answer her. "I had a glass of wine, and we talked. We talked about everything from how it would work and what we might do if it doesn't. We discussed everything we needed to discuss before we truly decided anything. We didn't have sex, we decided on slow and steady."
"And you're hiding it from Mom and Dad still?" Joy says disapproving of that choice for sure. "That will only make things worse for you."
"Joy, I can't. I can barely be friends with him without them freaking out. They will destroy this before it even gets off the ground if they knew." I say quietly. For the second time today, I was tasked with defending my choices.
"I'm almost twenty, if I can legally vote, and drink within this province I should be able to date whoever I choose for myself. What will it take for everyone to not see me as sixteen anymore? If Ken can see me for the woman I have become, I need everyone else to see me as well." I try to explain myself to her.
"I don't like you keeping secrets," Joys reiterates. "I also don't want to be part of your alibi's either. If they ask me anything I will deny it and plead the fifth. Just for the love of God, think with your head and not hormones. Be safe and don't mess this up and don't hurt Owen from all of this." Joy tells me with a look that reminds me of a serious teacher.
"We would never hurt her," I say quietly. "We're doing this, because the idea of her asking why we weren't together, why we never tried is far worse than what went wrong to us. She deserves a chance at a normal childhood, to have parents who love her, that are together?"
"You may be older Rilla, but that age difference will always be there in the smallest of ways," Joy responds reminding me of just how old Ken was.
I don't really know what to say, so I just shrug. "It is what it is at the end of the day?"
"So it's done," I say walking into the door that Ken opens for me. Meaning I talked to Olivia. "It took a bit, she's a bit wary of this but I think she understands our reasonings for trying."
Looking around the corner, just out of the sightline of the door, I see Owen passed out on the floor in Jack's bed of all places. I raise an eyebrow and Ken just shrugs and steals a kiss quickly from me since he could.
"I told her to go to bed if she was sleepy, but she felt like napping with Jack, who had nothing to do with such a notion," Ken whispers shrugging.
"Fair enough, she's strange sometimes," I reply quietly shaking my head as try to move past him, but his hands grip my waist and the curves of my hips. His lips go down my neck which sends shivers down my spine from the prickle of his shadowy beard.
Okay, I would have never admitted to Olivia just how hard it was for us to keep our hands to ourselves. Because in the shadows of the foyer, I would have given it all to him in an instant for the way he made me feel, warm and tingly, that ever-growing pressure that settled in past my lower stomach.
"So Olivia is okay supportive?" Ken asks wanting clarification.
"Well she, also said she doesn't see this whole slow thing lasting very long, which honestly might be true," I tell him, not that I cared about slowness. At all really, especially when he was standing so dangerously close to me. But that isn't stopping me from running my finger up and down the sides of his hips, over his belt that was really beginning to dig into the soft area of my stomach. Then again my head only really came up to his shoulder, I had forgotten just how tall he was. "Joy saw us though talking…and I didn't see her…" I say quietly.
"Joy?" Ken says looking at me in the eyes.
"Yeah," I sigh. "She's-well she's weary of it but promises to keep it to herself. Though she warned me to not to use her as alibis and didn't like that the fact we talked while having a drink? I tried to explain our reasoning as best as I could? But who knows, it almost felt like she was disappointed in me, and she wasn't even like that when I told her I was pregnant," I say into his chest.
"People will think, what people will think, but we know the truth and that is all that matters," Ken whispers in my ear. I stand there cradled in his embrace for a long moment before I finally move enough so he knows to let me, god.
"When do you head to work?" He asks me.
"I work 4 to 9," I tell him. "It will probably be slower since it's reading week. So if you do want to bring Owen around it might be a good night for it? I can stop by after she's in bed and we can hang out for a bit? If my parents text me, I'll just say I met up with someone?"
"I really don't lying to them," Ken sighs reminding me.
"It's not lying if I don't tell them anything specific?" I remind him.
"Fair enough," Ken says sighing.
"Mommy?" We hear Owen call out. "Dat you?"
"It is, Daddy and I were just talking," I say coming more into the apartment so she could see me better.
"It is sweetie," I call out to her as she comes to hug me.
"Have a good day?" I ask as I gather her up in my arms.
"Uh-huh," She says nodding her head and leading me over to her play area where she had building blocks where she and Ken had built some sort of castle it seemed. She plunks herself down and tugs on my ankle for me to do the same.
I lower myself on the floor, careful of the toys around me as she babbles and randomly as she hands me stuff. At this point, I really have no idea what she's going on about or thinking about but she seems to be having fun and when I reply or react in any sort of emotion she gives me a toothy grin and giggles.
Ken joins in sitting close to me, close enough to occasionally feel the small of my back without anyone noticing.
The stereo plays in the background some of his random music.
So this was life right now? A natural calm filled and bubbled in my stomach when I looked at Ken.
"I think my parents are going to come for her birthday," Ken says out loud. "I'm not entirely sure what will happen, they usually will spend some time at the summer house?"
"We'll figure it out," I say quietly. Her birthday was only six weeks away at this point and I don't think we are ready to out ourselves just yet. "I can't believe she's going to be three," I tell him.
He makes me dinner before I leave for work, and lets me change in his room into the work clothes I brought with me.
I struggle with the zipper that seems to be stuck on something? It has given me trouble this morning but I had gotten it to go up. I huff contorting my arms but it's no luck especially when I feel the break.
"Ken?" I ask calling out to him and I can hear his footsteps come up to the door. "I need help," I say sighing as I open the door. Turning around I show him the mangled zipper that was caught and split open.
"Yes, that is a problem," Ken agrees with the site. "Let's see what I can do?" He goes to work not mentioning the lack of a bra with the dress. It takes him a good minute of a fight before he signs. "How attached are you to this zipper?"
"I can't probably get Di to put in a new one?"
"Good," is all he says before he yanks on it hard twice before I feel it completely break open and expose my entire back.
"No bra?" He comments through was sounds like a smirk.
"Dress doesn't need one," I tell him, as I feel his hands snake around my waist, under the dress.
"Behave," I warn lightly.
"Just let me have a peak?" He says kissing my shoulder as we both look in the mirror.
"I thought you wanted to go slow?" I tease.
"I do, even if that makes me the world's biggest fool," he murmurs kissing my neck.
"That made absolutely no sense at all in an answer," I tell him turning around, slowly letting go of the top portion of my dress, the straps barely holding it up.
"I want to do this right, but at the same time the fact that I can touch you and know what your lips taste like drives me insane. Your beauty drives me crazy at the simplest of times," Ken explains further.
"Even if my boobs are smaller from nursing Owen?" I ask him letting one of my worries slip out.
"If you're worried about your body because you had a baby, my baby Rilla?" Ken asks looking down at me, as he tips my chin up a bit. "Don't be, because nothing has ever been more beautiful to me."
I steal a kiss from him. "I really need to change and it is way too quiet out there," I say reminding him about Owen.
"Shit, right," Ken says stepping back and heading for the door. He was just about to the door when I call out his name.
"Yes?" Ken turns asking and I use that moment to quickly pull down my top and flash him for a second.
"You are completely evil," Ken grumbles as we hear a crash of toys. I grin awkwardly before Ken runs out to make sure she was all right. I quickly change into my jeans and pull on a bralette, not bothering with a proper bra before my tee shirt. There was enough light padding in it to keep any sort of pesky showing nipples at bay for the most part.
I find Owen in the toy box she dumped out and now sitting in. Ken was shaking his head at the miss.
"Have fun with Daddy," I tell Owen as she leans forward as I bend down and kisses me on my lips. "Be good," I rub my nose against hers making her giggle.
"I try," Owen chirps. "Play pirates!" She says rather demandingly of Ken.
"Let me walk mommy to the door," Ken says trying to
Ken walks me to the door, looking back at Owen who went back to playing in her box. He steals another kiss before I walk down the hallway.