April 2021
Six weeks…six bloody damn weeks of stolen kisses and embraces, and one messy evening, well after bedtime with his bedroom door temporarily locked for every precaution. It truly did feel like high school all over again.
Neither of us were wanting or cared about candlelight evenings or fancy dates. Though Ken tried his best to be romantic whenever he could, so I always tried to be ready. To not forget a pill, that I had recently shaved every time I met up with him. Never knowing if it would be the night or not.
I hum as I write in my journal, scribbling down my thoughts before Owen awoke which should be soon. Other parents may be shocked by her routine, staying up later and waking up later, something she has always done for us because it always worked for us.
"You're in a good mood today?" Mom states as she walks into the kitchen for breakfast as I am making breakfast for Owen.
"You make it sound like I'm never happy?" I answer back. My mood already dampening, giving Owen her oatmeal and mashed-up banana.
"I didn't say that, I was just stating a fact," Mom retorts shaking her head. She drinks some coffee still looking me over. "Did you lose weight again?"
I groan as I grip the table as I was about to grab my own breakfast.
"Actually I gained four pounds," I say through my teeth. "And I am actually okay with that right now," I add on for effect.
"Well, then I am glad," Dad says coming out from their bedroom. "It seems like you've been dancing more, dancing means building muscle and muscle weighs more than fat," he tells me kissing the top of my head as he passes by. "Being a healthy weight for your height is always best."
"I wasn't looking for a celebration," I say rolling my eyes.
"I know but a few years ago this would have tormented and tortured you. Today you just accepted it as something good." Mom tries to add on to Dad.
"Oh it tormenting, all the same, I just have better coping skills these days," I remind her. "Can you watch her while she eats? I need to shower before school?"
"Of course," Dad says nodding his head. "Aren't you going to eat though?"
"I'll grab something at school," I tell him. "I'll be back munchkin, mommy needs to shower."
"Okie-dokie," Owen tells me.
"We still need to figure out Owen's birthday party," Mom reminds me before I leave the room.
"There is plenty of time for that," I tell mom waving her off. "I'm pretty sure the Fords are flying in as well for a few weeks," remind them. I hear mom sigh as I turn the corner and go up to the stairs.
Almost a month…a month that was all sneaking in and out of Ken's place. A month of careful texts and white lies. I don't say I am with anyone if they ask, I don't say when I'll be home, that I am out, and I will be home.
Owen seems oblivious to most of it thankfully. We try not to make it too noticeable, and we both work and I have school so really the amount of time we have together is no different then any other relationship I have had. This time we have quiet talks on his couch, well after bedtime when she stays over at his. Really talking is just making out like teenagers on his couch, in reality, most nights.
I shower and washed my hair and body quickly.
I towel myself off and pull on my robe before skipping across the hall into my room. I look around for my phone before I realize I left it downstairs. I am down the stairs as I hear mom talking.
"This is her mother, can I take a message? Oh, of course, yes I will thank you, is there a phone number? Just this one? Thank you," Mom says before hanging up my phone.
"Why did you answer my phone?" I ask my mother in the horror of what just enfolded I grab my phone from her. Wondering just what else came up when I was in the shower? God what if she saw a photo? Or Ken had texted something that gave us away?
"Because it was ringing and that's what you do with ringing phones?" Mom answered back staring back at me. "I didn't realize you were applying off the island?"
"I needed to," I tell her.
"And you were never going to tell us?" Mom says next. "What does Ken think of this, does he know? You know you can't just move away and take Owen without him?"
"Oh my god, do you think? Do you seriously think I would not tell him?" My mouth falls open at her words. This was the last thing I needed this morning. "I'm almost 20, I know the conditions of the custody papers. I am not an idiot, of course, he knows, we talked before I started applying to places. He encouraged me to apply actually, unlike you and dad who would happily have me live here until I'm like thirty under your thumbs."
"Rilla you know that isn't true," Dad steps in, standing next to mom who quickly escorted Owen out of the kitchen at the first sign of raised voices.
"Also life is expensive Rilla, how are you going to be able to afford rent and daycare, all the other bills that come with living on your own?"
"I don't know but that will be my thing to figure out, and worst comes to worst Ken and I can always rent a place together and parent her together if we need to? I'm sure together we could manage a three bedroom?" I taunt her and she raises her eyebrows at me.
"Rilla," Dad warns me next.
"I just want to get off this island and out of this bloody house one day. Can you blame me for that!" I cry out.
"I just don't think you're thinking this entirely through Rilla, don't let your obsessive need to leave this island cloud your judgment about what it will take to make it on your own. Nor do I think living with Ken will do you any favours in figuring that out either. What happened if either of you date another person?"
"I can't do this right now," I say shaking my head. "I have to get to school, I have work, I have things to do for my own life," I say shaking my head before turning and racing back upstairs. I throw on whatever is clean and throw things into Owen's daycare bag and beckon her to come to get her shoes on for me.
"Rilla…"
"I can't do this right now," I say to stop her. "Come on Owen," I say holding my hands
"Why do mommy and grammy yell?" Owen asks me in the car with a weird look on her face. I sigh into the steering wheel.
"Mommy and Grammy just disagree on things that is all," I just forced a smile and reached behind to pat her head a little. "It's happen's sometimes, it doesn't mean anything big."
I drop Owen off giving her an extra big hug before I find myself stopping in at Ken's, parking in the visitor parking spot that you couldn't see well from the main road.
"Everything all right?" Ken asks already dressed for his own day when I make it up to his apartment. Though he didn't have class until this afternoon.
I do nothing but hug him, and he returns without question and kisses the top of my hair. I take the next chance and kiss him. Not some innocent kiss either, it was filled with all the tension of this morning.
Something clicks off in both of our heads, as we stagger through his apartment. Pulling at clothing with a vengeance, bumping into the count of the kitchen and the walls as we went.
Whatever resolve I had for the past while, or nerves flew out the window.
It's been over a month of heavy making out at nap time
I pull off his sweater and work on the buttons of his shirt. Before I pull my own over my head, granted it had been a crop top and underneath was just a light sheer bralette.
"You're going to be late for school,"
"Fuck school, actually fuck me," I tell him bluntly. "Please," I add on for politeness.
He tosses me onto the bed with a simple nod of his head, crawling over me once he had his khakis kicked off and in his boxer briefs. I shimmy out of my jeans I've thrown on thankful that I at least thrown on a pair of cute boy shorts that were lacy.
His hands, I can feel his finger graze over the scars littered my thighs. Before he takes me by surprise as he grasps my leg and holds it up as he wiggles his way down the bed a bit.
He kisses the inside of my thigh, and slightly to the right; and then the left when I realize what exactly he is doing.
"This isn't time for such things," I try to tell him but end up loaning anyway.
"Then don't start things you can't finish Ms. Blythe," he smirks at me, switching to the other leg. "I want everyone one of those scars to know that they have been seen, cried over and now loved over," he tells me peppering my thigh with kissing until I am squirming from his breath tickling my skin.
I pull at him finally, kissing him passionately the moment I can.
"You are beautiful you know that right," He murmurs into my ear melting any existing prior nerves about my body and what it looked like to him.
"Am I?" I ask him
"Of course you are," he reaffirms kissing over my collar bone. "You've always been beautiful, strong, courageous," he says with individual kisses over the area.
"Ken?" I ask him and he hums against the sheet of my bralette, his saliva soaking through it.
"Yes?" He hums.
"I do still need to wear that," I tell him and he seems to take the hint and slip his hands under the band and helps me wiggle it over my head.
I grab his attention as I get him to go onto his back, settling myself across his hips. My hair sitting down over my shoulders, long and curly like back when I was pregnant.
I thought I would be more afraid, or at the very least anxious at the idea of sex with Ken? When it all came down to a boiling point, where both of us saw no reason to hold back? Was there even really a reason beyond not rushing headfirst into things? Was there really a reason to be worried about my body?
We fumble, of course, it's like building something without instructions. I learn his body as he learns mine. Wet kisses, silent looks and small nods of allowance, the laugh as something doesn't go as planned.
It may not be a romantic evening in, with candles after a date. Though we were never conventual, to begin with. We had a time alone, time without the toddler to worry about.
Don't you put it in your mouth, don't you shove it in your face
"What the hell?" Ken says out loud clearly confused by the ringtone that was playing.
I burst out laughing, which confuses him more.
"I'm sorry I think that was Olivia," I tell him. "Ignore it, I'll explain later." I pull him closer to me, letting my hips squeeze him lightly. Letting him remember just exactly what we had been doing at this moment. Which he does, and when the phone goes off once more we ignore entirely lost in each other once more.
He puts his arm around me afterwards after cleaning up the mess. Letting me cuddle into him as he kisses the top of my head and sighs.
I feel….I feel safe and loved.
"You're not sighing because we threw slow to the wind are you?" I ask him. "Because six weeks is practically a lifetime to anyone in college?" I remind him as I poke him in the chest playfully.
"Of course not, I mean I suppose I thought it might be different? A bit more romantic and attached to an actual date or something…but otherwise I'm just relishing in the moment," Ken says shaking his head.
"I don't need fancy dates, and your romantic every other day of the week. Like when you make me dinner, brush my hair, or buy me flowers because you just decide to," I remind him. "I'd rather the little things than anything grand and over the top."
"Which is one of the many reasons why I adore you so much," Ken tells me, clearly choosing his word choice wisely?
Adores me?
Well, it was close to the L-word that neither of us have the courage to say just yet. I knew how I felt but was it truly love at this point? Was it ever really love unless you really-really knew the person?
"Plus, spontaneity seems to be our thing anyway, given our history," I say trying to not think too much of his word choice "Just with actual birth control these days and memories because we aren't drunk this time around?"
"There is a bit of truth to that," Ken chuckles agreeing as my phone goes off again, but this time it sounded normal. "Classmate?" He asks looking at his phone for the time. Definitely was late for class now.
I sneak into class late.
Clark looks at me but nods his head. Most likely thinking I had childcare problems.
"You had sex," Lillie whispers knowingly. "I know that smile."
"Oh hush," I say shaking my head. They have figured out that I was seeing someone not too long ago. They were two friends who didn't seem to care, but they never knew me in high school either. They were just happy for that I was happy, plus Dahlia's boyfriend was a year younger than Ken and her family was happy with him, at least when he promised to respect Dahlia's Faith, he didn't think he would convert but he learned what he could about her family beliefs.
"Was it good, did it live up to your expectations?" Lillies dives into questioning.
"Ladies please," Clark warns us. We both look sheepishly and sit up straighter.
"So what are you going to wear for the telethon?" Lillie asks as we leave the briefing class we had about it.
"I think I have something in my closet?" I say trying to think. "I mostly can't believe the school is practically done in a week?" I say sighing.
"Minus a few written exams?" Dahlia reminds us of catching up with us.
"That is true," I say sighing once again. "Want to come over and study for a bit after I finish I have to pick up Owen but It should be fine?" I ask them looking at my phone.
"I have to work," Lillie says regrettably. "Otherwise I would."
"I never say no to seeing the little one," Dahlia grins. "We can go through your closet?"
"So what was on your phone?" Shirley asks when he sees me in the kitchen when I get home, waiting for Dahlia to come over after school. I put Owen into some play time as I go and try and find some Dinner for us.
"What do you mean?" I ask confused as I turn to look at him.
"What was on your phone that made you freak out at mom answering your phone? Clearly, it was something otherwise you wouldn't have cared that much?" Shirley explains, I look at him unsure of what to do.
"I'm not hiding anything?" I say opening the fridge. "I just applied for a bunch of placements and jobs and didn't tell them a few were off the island?" I tell him.
"Yeah, no I don't believe that at all," Shirley says shaking his head. "That clearly sounds like something else, and you've been unexplainably happy lately. So there is that as well to consider. So what's his name?"
"I'm not seeing anyone, and I'm not hiding anything either," I repeat myself.
"Sure-sure, whatever you have to tell yourself now," Shirley says shaking his head and grinning. "But you can fool mom and dad, but if you think you can fool me? You can't."
"Oh go play some piano Mr. I know everything," I wave him off.
"Why don't you sneak out to where you are going tonight and come back in a better mood?" Shirley counters back towards me. "Pretty sure you don't end up at one of the girl's houses that is for sure."
"Will you just leave it be already? I am allowed to have my own life?"
"So there is someone?" Shirley raises an eyebrow grinning at my mistake. "Well, I am glad you are happy. You've been in and out of a right mood since Tristan, actually, I don't think I ever saw you smile this even last spring."
"Great, thanks," I say rolling my eyes. I grab the jug of milk from the fridge. I grabbed the container of pasta meaning to reheat it for Owen's dinner. I have her eating at the when Dahlia comes knocking on the door. I race to open it, letting her in.
"Brother is here," I tell her right off the bat. "I didn't realize when I invited you over," I explain.
"I'm heading out," Shirley calls out. "I do work beyond what people think."
"It's all good," Dahlia laughs as she slips off her shoes and we head into the kitchen.
"Auntie Dolly!" Owen perks up, still holding her fork with pasta on it still.
"My Elowen," Dahlia greets her
"Eat your dinner and then you and then you can play," I tell her, crushing her hair with a gentle caress.
"Mommy eat," she demands back to me and I hear Shirley chuckle.
"You tell her scout," he encourages her. "Your mommy is not allowed to skip meals."
"Really?" I look at him and then at Dahlia who was unsure of what to say.
"I had some bad eating habits in high school," I try to explain simply to her as my phone buzzes, and so does Shirleys.
National News Alert
Carter Delevay, reporter liaison for CTV is on suspension after numerous accounts of sexual misconduct with interns.
"Rilla, didn't that guy just come and talk to your class?" Shirley asks me and Dahlia. I shrug one of my shoulders looking at Dahlia.
"He did," Dahlia says for me to my brother as I get a text on my phone…asking the same Question but from Ken this time around. I send him a quick message telling him I would talk to him later about it.
"Why does it feel like I missing something?" Shirley asks me next.
"Trust me you don't want to know," I tell him. "Everyone is fine though, please don't think otherwise."
"I will take your word for it then," Shirley says nodding before grabbing something from the freezer. "I'm off to work, Wynnie should be home in an hour or so and I just let tank out not too long ago."
"Have a good shift," I tell him nodding my head. "Say bye-bye Owen?"
"Bye-Bye Uncle Lee," She chants with food in her mouth making me shake my head.
"Have a good night!" Dahlia adds on before he heads out for work.
I get Owen to finish dinner before I get her set up in her room with her dollies as Dahlia and I go through my closet.
"What's this?" Dahlia holds up an old dress.
'Grade 10 semi-formal," I tell her looking at it for a brief second. "My last one at that," I add on for effect.
"Owen?" Dahlia asks knowingly.
"I would have been into my second trimester maybe fourteen-fifteen weeks?" I think back on it.
"Try it on, it's pretty," Dahlia urges me. It is a pretty spring green, with yellow flowers on the hem.
"I'm not sure if it will fit the same," I tell her taking it. It takes a moment for me to undress and get back into the dress.
"God they really have gotten smaller, thank god for that," I say to myself as I remember my boobs filling out the dress much when I was younger.
"You are the only person I know who has ever wanted or liked that her boobs got smaller," Dahlia laughs.
"They are and we're a nuisance," I say shrugging.
"I try on a few more dresses for her and Owen at some point, before I settle Owen into bed and Dahlia takes her leave. I throw on a sweater and my shoes and pocket my phone, telling Dad I would be back in a bit, that I was just going for a walk now that Owen was asleep and if he could listen for her. I breathe in the night air only hitting dial when I am far from the house.
"I need all the details!" Olivia practically screams in my ear later that night after I put Owen to bed and I asked Dad to watch her while I got out for an evening stroll. "Like compared to Tristan, are we talking longer, shorter, more girth…? I mean you have to remember this time being sober!"
I pause for a moment, part of me wants to gossip, but the other side of me wants to keep some things actually sacred. Which was perfectly acceptable to anyone other than Olivia it seems right now?
"It was normal and perfectly acceptable? Like really I'm not going to compare it to a cucumber for you," I tell her matter a factly.
"Acceptable Rilla? Seriously? You sound like your rating how much cheek is allowed on a bathing suit." Olivia tells me.
"Well, it's what you're getting this time around Liv. I'm not going to give those details, I have no complaints let's just leave it at that, please. Remember no one actually likes being hit in the cervix. It doesn't have to be of epic proportions does it now? Would you like me to ask about Robbie in such a way?"
"Oh, I can dig out the drawings if you wanted. His is a little odd sometimes you know sometimes it perfectly straight other times it likes curve a-bit to the right," Olivia starts on her rambling while smirking.
"No-no, no, no I do not want that! Nor did I need to know that! I want to look him in the eye when I see him!" I say hoping to stop her and Olivia laughs loudly.
"Okay okay, but it was good?"
"It was like every first time with someone new, awkward but still somehow real and amazing?" I say blushing. "Actually I'm meeting Ken at the park, so I need to hang up in a moment," I tell her as I cross the street, I can see Ken in the distance waiting for me.
"All right, go make-out with lover boy," Olivia tells me laughing once more. "I need to go call mine anyway."
We hang up, and I skip over to Ken in the setting sun. He flashes me a brilliant smile of his as he's on the phone himself.
"I'll talk to you later okay mom?" He asks. "Love you too," he answers her response before hanging up.
"How was your day?" He asks after he kisses me, his hand settling on my hips.
"It was rather amazing," I grin. "Yours?"
"Eventful," He concludes. "My parents are going to be down for Owen's birthday, they'll open up the summer house and stay until my birthday most likely. I think we should tell them, my parents at least, that way we won't have to hide as much? And if you can get the weekend off, you can come along and just say it's for Owen?"
I look at him unsure, while Leslie and Owen were much more tolerant, I was still afraid. But I look into his eye, I slowly nod my head.
"If you think it's best then you might as well tell them?" I say. "Can you just try and tell your parents that we are waiting to tell mine?"
"I'll see what I can do," Ken tells me, resting his forehead on mine.
For those who are not Canadian...back in the early 90's we had a really creepy commercial with puppets telling kids not to put things in their mouths. Seriously go to youtube, 'Don't put it in your mouth' commercial Canada and it is wild and part of my childhood haha.
Hope everyone had a good week, and hope you enjoy this chapter a bit earlier than usual.
Any comments or support are always treasured and appreciated if you have time to write something.
Tina.