April-2021
Ken tells his parents one evening when I'm working, a little over a week before the trip. He meets me during the morning one day when Owen was spending the morning in daycare. Tessa was letting me use one of the studios so I could dance a bit for myself.
"You don't have to be here," I try to tell Ken. "You can go out and do your usual thing?"
"But I like watching you dance," Ken says with a shake of his head.
It's been a long time since someone enjoyed watching me dance, especially just as practice. Tristan thought it was rather boring just watching me practice, he said I dance wonderfully, but didn't see the point in just watching me if it was not a performance. Ken on the other hand would and could just sit there watching me.
I smiled as I spun around, catching his gaze. My pointe shoes were raggedy and glued to the inch of their life. To make them last as long as I can, I try to do enough on pointe to keep my feet and ankles strong. The more I dance, the stronger I am, the stronger the better I can dance. At least that is what I repeat to myself every time I step on the scale.
I pull him towards me at one point, once I take off my pointe shoes teaching him simple steps. He has a natural rhythm which I already know, but the natural rhythm doesn't always mean skill. Still, he laughs when he messes up.
One two three, four, one, two, three and hour we count in our head as we slow down to the music. Some Korean pop/rock bands that I fell in love with lately, are about the beauty of life and love. I didn't understand all the lyrics, but as music one can always feel the music, feel the emotion that renders the lyrics obsolete when it came down to it.
"You're not half bad," I tell him. "Maybe one day I'll let you lead."
"I thought I was leading?" Ken says whispering in my ear and it sends a shiver down my spine.
We would be all right.
If someone can happily watch me dance around a room and smile like that?
We would be all right.
"Why do you like watching me dance?" I ask Ken.
"Because it's like you bare your soul when you dance. You keep a lot to yourself, but the moment you dance, it's like you're telling the world your secrets in a language, and if they know it, they will understand just who you are in another light." Ken says after a moment.
"Really? Or are you just trying to butter me up?"
"I didn't think I needed to butter you up?" Ken grins cockily before smiling at me genuinely. "You dance in an otherworldly way and it tells a story, a history of who you are"
"Really?" I ask him still unsure of his answer.
"Of course, why would I lie?" Ken says taking my hands.
" I guess I was just used to Tristan not being interested in it unless it benefited him in some way?" I tell him.
"Benefited him?" Ken asks brow furrowing.
"Don't go thinking bad things, really it wasn't like that. I'm just flexible? Rhythmically inclined?" I tell him trying to explain without explaining. "How did your call with your parents go?" I ask changing the subject.
"It was good, actually I told them tonight," He says quietly, it surprised me because while I knew he planned to, he never said when he was going to. "It just sort of happened, they were asking if you wanted to come out for a weekend and all that?"
"How did they take it?" I ask my heart beating fast.
"They were surprised but overall supportive I suppose?" He says. "Asked a few questions and then said that they were happy if we were happy."
"Really that's it?" I found myself in a tiny bit of disbelief.
"Well, they did warn me to not get you pregnant again anytime soon, to not rush into things," Ken admits. "I told them that we both have learned our lesson from four years ago."
"I think we are much more prepared and insightful about being safe these days," I reply earnestly.
"Well, they said they would watch Owen for an evening or two if we want. We could escape for the evening, maybe had a date that doesn't include a children's menu?" Ken tells me with a smile on his face.
"That would be something to celebrate," I smile back at him as I look at the clock. "I should go pick her up. I told Mary I'd pick her up by noon, so I can spend the afternoon with her before the telethon. We are going to paint our nails together," I say smiling at the thought.
"How exciting," Ken says genuinely smiling at the thought it appears.
"Well, we'll see how it goes anyway," I tell him laughing. I lean in for a kiss, which he happily gives me. "I'll see you there?"
"That you will, the things I get roped into," he teases me because I was the one who accidentally mentioned him in front of one of the producers.
I pick up Owen, before driving home and much like I told Ken we painted each other nails in sparkly colours. I didn't care they wouldn't match my dress as she painstakingly tried to paint them nicely for me. It was far from perfect, but I could clean it up with some polish remover once it dried down a bit.
"What colour for your toes?" I ask her as she goes over the choices that I lined up.
"Dat one," she says pointing to a turquoise glitter. "and dat one," she added a bright coral pink to the mix.
"All right then," I say shaking my head. "Your toes my lady," I say shaking up the first bottle and she sticks out her feet at me. I paint every other toe, that barely takes a smidgeon of polish because her nails were still so tiny.
"Pretty," she says looking at them.
"Very pretty," I say agreeing as I paint the leftover toes with the opposite colours before I cap the nail polish.
"Now sit very still for a few minutes," I tell her, knowing full well it wouldn't last. " Admire your pretty toes and let them dry like your fingernails," I explain.
Afterwards, she watches me from my bed as I put on my make-up. Using my good tv approved foundation and do much more than I usually do on any given day. I braid part of my hair and pin them back as I oil my curls to give them some shine and to true and clump some of them back together.
"Mommy pretty," She says. "Me make-up?"
"Come here then," I say and she rushes over. "Just a little bit though, mommy only wears this much because she's going to be on t.v."
"Teeeveee!" She says eyes going wide.
"Pawpaw will put it on for you I think," I tell her sweeping some blush over her round cheeks and some sparkly pearly white eyeshadow over her lids. I finish off the look with a touch of a pink-tinted chapstick that I had.
"Pretty," She says looking in the mirror.
"You are pretty even without the make-up but you look ever so lovely with it as well," I try to tell her.
I won't put on my dress until I get to the station, so I leave the house in leggings and a hoodie. I give Owen a big hug and kiss goodbye, telling her to be good for Grammy and Pawpaw and that I would see her in the morning. I drive to Ken's parking my car behind the building in visitor parking and meet him at his car because it would be easier for later tonight. I lay out my dress, and we chat as he drives into the city. The Easter Seals Telethon was something that the school has helped with for many years, and really it was just a way for the girls to wear pretty dresses, practice our on-air voices and faces and have fun. Of course, the entire point was to raise money for children with disabilities, but it was also just a time for us to have on-air—real on-air time. For our resumes and tapes.
I ended up in a baby pink, floral dress that had a flowing skirt and long sleeves that belled into a cuff. Something that I found on sale when nothing else seemed to work for the vibe I was going for.
"It doesn't clash with my hair?" I ask Lillie who was in a structured sort of jumpsuit that was navy blue.
"Redheads, can wear pink and you are proving it to the world as such," she tells me.
I look over at Dahlia was wearing a pretty floral scarf and long lilac purple modest dress. My classmates are called to attention and soon it's a flurry of hurry-up and stops. Constant moments of girls helping each other with hair and make-up before camera shots. Quietly chatting while waiting in wings. Watching and watching, practicing their spoken monologues and commercial breaks.
It was a long evening, well into the night and we all had our moments' in-between shots with the actual hosts and the various interviews and talent sections. That somehow that Ken got dragged into as well.
"You have a daughter don't you?" The host asks Ken who was dressed in one of his classic work outfits of dress pants, dress shirt and sweater combo.
"I do, she is turning three in two weeks? Yes, two weeks, how time flies," He laughs for the camera.
"How do balance everything? You're a junior professor, you have a small local band, you had your reunion on television that broke records?"
"I think a lot of it is just teamwork and finding a balance that works with one's life?" Ken says.
"I heard they offered you a larger part in the latest season that you turned down?"
"Yes, due to the success of the reunion, I was offered a part in the upcoming season. But ultimately decided it wasn't who I was anymore. I am a father first and, a history enthusiast second. I wanted to see my daughter grow up most importantly."
They know better than to mention me to him in this, that was his one stipulation for doing this. They also know that I am here in this room. So that helps as well.
"It was during the press tour for the reunion that I learned how lucky I am that my daughter is healthy and happy. Visiting hospitals, for young children and teenagers, puts a new perspective on disabilities that can come along to a person's life. While I have my moments of worry about allergies that we deal with when it comes to my daughter. It's nothing compared to what parents go through with things like autism, and mental and physical disabilities. I remember my father visiting sick kids and fundraising for causes. I believe I asked him why once, and he said just because he was lucky to have three healthy children, didn't mean he couldn't help the ones who weren't. I hope that I can do that same, that I can raise my daughter with the same compassion that he taught me to have. That an illness doesn't define a person or a friendship."
"Very well said, now I also hear you have something prepared for us?" The host asks next and Ken smiles and nods his head.
"Yes, I have a few songs prepared for a small set. Now the Dachshund Confessional could not make it, because sadly we all have day jobs so you will be subjected to me alone." Ken jokes.
"Well, do we have a hint of what is about to come?"
"I have an Ed Sheeran cover, something my daughter likes listening to me play, along with two others," he says before you see him go toward another part of a stage where his old guitar is waiting for him.
There is a commercial beforehand.
I catch his eyes and he smiled at me as I feel the cameras turn on it. Not really, they were already are, but the electrical force seems to come alive and everyone gets quiet once more as I am counted into the intro silently.
"Welcome back to Easter Seal Telethon 2021! Right now we are steadily moving towards our goal of the day. From wonderful stories, and performances we have an information-filled night so you know that your donation is going to support local charities, camps and school programs. Coming up you will hear a few songs from Kenneth Ford, a local who teaches at the university. But you may also know him from his band Dachshund Confessional and Degrassi the Reunion. While afterwards were have a gracious thank you from Sarah and Talia, two friends who met at camp twenty years ago all thanks to the donation they received from their own telethon."
The Camera turns to face Ken who smiled at me and I go sit down.
The first song he plays is a fun, upbeat song, while the second is slower but still fun.
"When choosing songs, my daughter told me I had to play this one, so Elowen I hope you get to see this," Ken says next looking towards the camera but past it, towards me.
Stop the clocks, it's amazing
You should see the way the light dances off your head
A million colours of hazel, golden and red
Saturday morning is fading
The sun's reflected by the coffee in your hand
My eyes are caught in your gaze all over again
We loved drunk, waiting on a miracle
Tryna find ourselves in the winter snow
So alone in love like the world had disappeared
Oh, I won't be silent and I won't let go
I will hold on tighter 'til the afterglow
And we'll burn so bright 'til the darkness softly clears
Oh, I will hold on to the afterglow
Oh, I will hold on to the afterglow
I don't go back home right away anyway. The girls tease me when they see Ken waiting for me by his car.
Mom and Dad promised to look after Owen for the night, seeing that the Telethon ran until 1 am. I told them I might go out for a drink with the girls afterwards if possible, so I wouldn't be home until late and most likely if we did I would crash at Lillie's place because you know drinking and driving was a huge no-no.
Really, I was going to Ken's for some child-free time together. We are tired by the time we reach his place, I wash off my stage make-up from my small bag of toiletries I stashed in my purse.
I hang my dress over the chair he had in his room and pulled on an old pearl jam tee-shirt that I wore once before.
"Was I really that big?" I ask him, pulling the shirt away from my body, trying to remember how big I had gotten in those final weeks. The shirt had pulled tight over my stomach.
"At the risk of sounding…well creepy I suppose. You were beautiful back then as you are today." Ken says from his spot as he takes off his own clothing. "It was a different sort of beautiful, but you were carrying my baby and that was beautiful in ways I never imagined."
"It's not creepy," I tell him as I sit down next to him yawning. "It's honest, and should it be okay to think of the past with us? I know that I don't feel the same way I felt at sixteen for you, as I do now at almost twenty. Still, those memories are there and I can still remember how strongly I felt from what was most likely raging hormones. These days it's a calmer sort of emotion even when I want to tear off your clothing. It feels more real? Like it's actually tangible and I can touch it without it shattering around me?"
"It took a while but we got there in the end," Ken says, getting up and holding out his hands. He pulls the covers back and waits for me to get in before joining me. Arms wrapped around pulling me close when I settled into him.
I lay there for a good moment, realizing that for the first time I was in bed with someone who wasn't actually expecting anything. I don't think I ever spent the night at Tristan's that didn't start with sex.
"Everything all right?" Ken asks as if my mind is screaming out loud at him. He also yawns making me realize that he truly intends to just sleep right now.
I let myself relax into him, relishing in the comfort of his warmth as my answer.
"You don't snore do you?" I ask him quietly.
"Do you?" Ken asks in an even breath. "You snored a bit in the last weeks when you were having Owen."
"I did not, and do not!" I quietly exclaim and I feel him chuckle half asleep. "Then we'll be fine, now close your eyes and think of sleep."
"Ken?" I say quietly into the dark.
"Hmm?" He hums, and I turn over and look at his face. His eyes closed as he was close to sleep.
I curl into him, like in days past, but this time there wasn't a baby between us. I breathe in his scent and close my eyes.
We used to sleep like this long ago, on my tiny bed no less.
It's a slow and lazy way of waking up it appears, something I have never experienced quite before.
Hands rub my stomach and curve of my hip as I wake up. I lean back into him, neither alarm has gone off yet, so it had to be early. There was also a cool breeze coming in from the open window.
"Hmm, morning?" I mumbled half moaning, and I received a kiss on my neck. I reach up behind my head and run my fingers through his hair. It doesn't take long until I feel something stiff poking me in the backside when he pulls me closer to him.
"Morning," he says into my neck, while his breath is warm against my cool skin as his hand rubs up and down my back under his shirt that was riding up. I prop my arm up more as I feel him dip over my ribs, up into my armpit and back down my back. "This all right?" He asks quietly.
"If it wasn't I would tell you," I tell him flipping around to kiss him properly and when he does I moan, only breaking the kiss when I feel him tug at his tee-shirt that I was still wearing.
"Cold," I say against his lips, which makes him pull me closer when he tosses the shirt off the bed. My arms rest against his chest gripping his bare shoulders, kisses linger on my lips, while his hands roamed over my body, my breathing hitching when it reaches near my panties.
Yes, this was the most pleasant way of waking up, as his lips trail down my body as I pull the blankets over us. I squeak as his tongue swirls around my belly button as a hand pulls at the elastic waistband of my boy shorts I slept. I grasp the pillow, moaning at the sensations that run through my body from various sources. Once or twice I voice certain things, guiding him into what I enjoy or what I don't like or does nothing for me.
It doesn't take long before we are hunting in his nightstand, grabbing the condoms from the box he just bought. We both agreed that it was double or nothing right now, it might take out the spontaneity, but it was better than another baby.
When we're both wide awake panting as I stare up at the ceiling as I rest on his chest.
"So are you always that bossy in bed?" Ken says, clearly jesting as I feel his chest rumble in a silent chuckle. He kisses the top of my head which sends a flutter down my stomach.
"I'm not bossy, I just know what I like," I tell him cheekily. "What time is it?"
"Barely six-thirty, when do you need to be home by?" Ken says.
"I should probably be home by seven. So I can get some time with Owen before work, and then I'll drop her off?"
"Sounds good to me," Ken says. "Will you stop by tonight?"
"I can manage it, but I do have class at the studio to teach tomorrow morning only a few left," I remind him. "Luckily the internship is paid, so I don't have to worry so much about money. Though Stacy told me she can give me extra shifts in the summer if I did need it at the cafe."
"The internship is practically full time isn't it though?" Ken says frowning.
"It is, but if I want to keep my spot at the cafe for the school year next year. I need to work at least once a week. Actually, me being at the university? That won't affect your job?" I ask him suddenly thinking about it."
"You're in another building, while in another program at that. It will be fine I think, I'll disclose it to my department head either way before the start of term, but since this began well before your attendance there I doubt it will be an issue. Even so, I doubt you are the first person to be dating faculty." Ken explains but ends it with another chuckle. "Plus If Nan and Chris have made it work with a similar age gap, and him working in her university I doubt we will have trouble?"
"You know I always forget that Chris is seven years older than Nan," I tell him. "But at least one day when we do tell them, I can point out that they have no issues with Chris being older, so they should give us a break being one year less? Which I know won't matter to them, it's a different situation to them, but I would just like to point it out to them that it can work out just fine?"
"We'll figure it out," Ken tells me as I feel my bladder protest.
"I need to pee, and get home," I say sighing. I scurry out of bed grabbing my tee shirt because it was cold. I clean up, and find Ken up, knowing I had to get home when I come out of the bathroom.
I make it back home a little after seven am, I had left my car at Ken's place, so it doesn't look too out of place for me to show up. I find the house mostly asleep as I wake up Owen gently.
"So I was thinking for Owen's birthday we can have a small party with a few of her friends from Daycare?" Mom comes breezing into the kitchen. "There is a cute play zone area that just opened up."
"Well, don't forget the Fords are coming in the weekend before and I think Ken is going to take her for the weekend," I tell her trying to be civil because so far she hasn't asked me what time I got home yet."
"Well, I need to call the bakery for the cake so I need a day," Mom reminds me.
"We can just have a small birthday party here, I don't think any three-year-olds are going to care. I mean she hasn't been invited to any parties either?" I try to reason with my mom. "She can have parties when she's a little older and able to actually understand it. For now, she'll be all right with Delilah coming over to play, and maybe I'll call Chelsea and see if Leo wants to come as well, we can set up the water table if it's nice out and let them go at it."
"Speaking of parties, what time did you get in?" Mom asks me. "Also who is Chelsea?"
"Just a girl I met at a park new Joys last year, she's a year older than me and Leo is a few months older than Owen," I tell her. "Her boyfriend and she just got an apartment, since he graduated with a job in electrical work," I explain.
"I didn't know you met another young mom?" Mom says a touch surprised.
"We mainly text, we both work so playdates are hard to come by, but we try," I shrug simply as Owen comes dashing through the kitchen in her big girl panties.
"What are you?" I look down at her.
"I potty!" She exclaims.
I sigh and lead her to the bathroom. Still shaking my head.
"We need something for convocation as well, when is that again?" Mom asks me as she cracks a bunch of eggs in a bowl. Since the door was still open a crack.
"End up June?" I say not really knowing. "Does it really matter anyway? You got your way I'm going to the university to get my degree?"
"Don't make it sound like we're forcing you Rilla, it will be good for you. Yes, you got an internship for the summer but you still need a job and this will give you better chances," Mom reminds me.
"I can still get a job," I say groaning. "It's only been a few weeks."
"And for now this is your backup, and if you did end up with a job I doubt they will object to you furthering your diploma to a degree. Plus you like writing, and your articles are lovely, it will give you time to further develop your writing."
"And another two years here at home," I say under my breath as I get Owen to wash her hands.
"Which is far from the worst thing to happen Rilla," Mom reminds me as she pours the eggs into the frying pan to scramble for breakfast. "Are you having eggs?" She asks suddenly looking at me.
I shake my head going for my oatmeal. "Owen eggies or oat cold oats?" I ask her.
"Eggies pleez!" She says running back to the living room where some cartoon was already playing for her. I shake my head at her lack of pants but didn't want to fight her on it this morning. "Also it's only because I've already done the worst thing alive," I counter back. "You do realize the reason I don't want a huge party for Owen is that the other moms at daycare still look at me all snotty, that no one besides one mother has ever invited Owen to a birthday party? I'm still a social pariah here and it's tiring. At least in the city, there are more girls like me, no one in school cares that I have a kid but it's college,"
"People will get over it, and the university is just the same no one will care," Mom points out to me and I sigh.
"When did people start taking you seriously after Joy? I feel like that probably always did because at least you were married. Hell even by the time Jem came along, Aunt Diana already had two kids of her own. You might have had her young, but it evened out shortly after. I don't have that these days, I am constantly reminded that despite making what was an impossible choice for myself. Which is fine, I did what I thought was right for me, but I also thought I would grow out of it? Yet it seems I will always be a teenage mother to everyone around here. It hurts that Owen is brushed aside for friends at daycare, sure they're nice to you because they wouldn't dare say anything to you."
"I know people can be cruel Rilla, I had my share back in the 80s" Mom reminds me sipping her coffee.
"Did you know that I was once at the library with Owen, just reading storytime books and I had a little boy take a book from Owen and when I said loud enough for his mother to hear that he took the book from my daughter and to give it back? She huffed and thrust the book at us almost hitting Owen in the process saying that she would buy him the book because it was easier and that they should leave the books to the poor kids."
"Well, that was rude of her and uncalled for. We had plenty of books for Joy when we broke into university, that we bought for her." Mom says stirring the eggs. "Can you put the toast down?"
I sigh but nod my head. She just didn't get it, not really and she probably never would, sometimes it felt like she would never see my point of view about things.
Song is Ed Sheeran-called Afterglow. I know I use him a lot, but my heavens. He is just amazing as a songwriter and musician!
Hope everyone had a good week, and if you liked this chapter please let me know what you thought of it! I do put my heart and soul into this story and your support is always appreciated greatly.
Tina