May 2021
I travel back and forth from The Ford's summer house as they planned to stay until Ken's birthday. So between work and dancing at the studio on my own time I find avoiding my parents far easier than I imagined. As Dad works and school was still in session for Mom, we sometimes we make use of the empty house as we wait for my laundry to finish, taking photos cuddled into each other on my bed with the polaroid that I got for Christmas one year. I clothed of course because we both know the history that still haunts me at night in my dreams. Otherwise, we are at his place.
"All right, since it is the end of lessons and you have exams next week until the fall I have a few words of advice to anyone taking summer school, or intensives," I say loudly to my group of girls as Tessa smiles at me.
"Make Friends, enjoy your time"
"Don't stress over not being the best in class you are there to learn"
"Don't compare yourself to other girls."
"And don't come home with a baby," I hear someone speak up.
"Actually that was after summer intensive that year, thank you very much, but also a good mention. Boys… you are all 15-16, be safe, be aware of your surrounding in the city you'll be in, and remember that not every ballet boy is gay, many are straight. Overall, remember to be responsible, be safe, follow dormitory rules, and don't believe every word that cute boy says to you!" I finish off.
"Most of all have fun!" I tell them before a bunch of them rush and give me hugs before rushing out to change or go find their parents.
Most tell me to have a good summer as I pass them. Somehow I have turned from someone they should avoid being to someone who has decent lessons to teach teenage girls. Like, don't have a baby at sixteen usually.
"How are your parents?" Tessa asks later in her office and I shrug. We managed to get through Owen's party without much talking at all. It was ice cold from mom, while Dad tried his best to be a referee at times. Though all the turmoil, just made me and Owen spend more and more time with Ken. Relishing that we didn't have to hide as much these days. We never sat her down and explained to her that we were together but she seemed to understand in her own way.
"I'm gonna make use of the studio for another round if that's okay?" I ask her.
"Go, I'll be along shortly." She tells me waving me off and I skip back down the hall. I dance the same routine I had just taught in my head I was I was trying to impress impassive judges. Extensions were lengthened, and my turnout turned out perfectly.
She instructs me as I usually instruct a class, going through barre and then centre work. Correcting me when needed when observing. Lessons were always harder than just practice, it's too easy to fall into bad habits when it's just yourself and no one watching you.
"I want you to take the foundation 2 exams," Tessa tells me as I wipe off the sweat from my forehead and I stare at her. Foundation 2 exams were for vocational ballet, older students to be able to get into companies. They also cost about three hundred dollars alone, not to mention I would need new point shoes!
I had supposed to take my level 8 the year I got pregnant. So Foundation two would be the only thing for me to do now that I wasn't in actual classes anymore.
"Is there a point to that?" I ask her unsure of what she was getting out of it.
"You are too good of a dancer not to show your talent to the examiners. Of course, if you feel like your road has changed. If dance is something you can leave behind confidently knowing you did all that you can then I will not mention it again. I just thought if they are coming that you should have your chance?" Tessa tells me.
"Can I think about it?" I ask her unsure, considering the state of my life right now with my parents.
"Of course, let me know by the end of the week, and Rilla if cost is the deciding factor of it, we can work something out." She tells me with a kind smile.
"You told Ken once that if my parents wanted to send me to school, but it was money that was the issue, you would have helped them?" I ask her what he told me years ago.
"I have on occasion helped up dancers who were too bright for this little stage of mine," Tessa doesn't deny my words but doesn't answer them either.
I go back to Ken's place not wanting to go home, knowing he's waiting for me so we can go back out to the summer house after dinner to pick up Owen. I just don't expect to see brothers Walter who had yet to go back to Halifax, Shirley and Jem who were still kicking about as well, there when I open the door and call out deciding to make a joke about saving water to him
I blush quite red,
"Why did you warn me!" I hiss at Ken my face completely red as Jack comes up to me.
"I haven't had the time, they just showed up unannounced, but it's fine Rilla," Ken tells me to explain why my brothers were at his apartment.
"Hey, we weren't threatening him," Jem says standing up, I always forget that he's the tallest out of all of us, though Joy is a close second. "We were just catching up because he hasn't been around."
"And I'm supposed to believe that?" I look to Walter who shrugs.
"We have concluded that a happy sister is better than a sad and depressed sister and if Ken makes you happy then we will have to put aside our differences and deal with it," Jem tells me.
"Though Walter is being a bit more of a curmudgeon than the rest of us," Shirley adds on for comedic effect.
"All I said wasn't entirely comfortable with certain thoughts or ideas in my head," Walter said plainly.
"Well, no one is asking you to think of their sex life, though the reality is they have a walking and talking example of it," Jem points grinning.
"Okay, can we stop!" I exclaim, face even redder than before. "It is perfectly acceptable for Walter to feel whatever he feels about the situation. I'm not asking him to like it, I'm just asking him to respect it. Now don't all of you have wives and partners to go bother and not my boyfriend?" I look at them.
"Sorry about them," I say to Ken when they finally leave, who shrugs in response.
"Honestly it wasn't aggressive, actually they were trying to get me to get you to talk to your parents like you would listen to me more than them?" Ken tells me.
I snort shaking my head and kissing his cheek before I start pulling off the leotard I was wearing. I can sense Ken just standing there confused.
"Are you coming?" I ask him before I head into his washroom, I wiggle out of my sweats and pull off the leotard as I turn on the water for the shower.
"Well, don't have to ask me twice," Ken says grinning, ripping off his shirt in front of the open door and tossing it into the bedroom. "Just please not lava water?"
"It's barely even hot," I say shaking my head as I step over the tub wall and make room for him in the shower my hair up in a messy bun. "Is this what you were thinking about the other week?" I ask in a low voice.
"Oh this is plenty more than what I have imagined," Ken says chuckling as he leans in to kiss my shoulder.
"Tessa wants me to go for the advanced 2 exams, it's like recreational dance style exams since I missed level eight when I was taking actual lessons before Owen," I tell him later as we sit on his couch together. Jack is beside us hoping and silently pleading for scratches by switching spots and walking all over us until his whole seventeen pounds on both of our laps.
"Dance has exams?" Ken asks confused as his hand runs over Jack's head.
"Plenty of them, it's how you move up in classes, we also did the Royal Academy Dance exams during my years at the studio," I tell him.
"So you should do it then?" Ken says nonplussed about it. "I mean if she wants you to do it there is probably a reason for it?"
"I suppose so?" I say still unsure as pet the tail end of Jack. "Just seems like a waste of time and money? The chances of me dancing professionally are slim to none these days, I just am trying to see the point in it I guess?"
"But you enjoy it, and you don't know that? Who knows maybe she wants you to get your last exam to train to you be an actual teacher or something? Don't they have those sorts of programs?"
"Programs that cost money, but yes I suppose that having your exams would be needed to qualify for such things," I say sighing.
"What's wrong?" Ken asks wrapping his arm around me realizing that something was bothering me. Jack looks up annoyed at the shift and lack of pets and makes himself more comfortable as I go back to long strokes.
"I don't know. I guess I gave up any sort of future in dance and this just brought up a bunch of emotions? It was easier to ignore when I was dancing less when I was juggling school and dating?" I say quietly. "These days, I remember how much I miss it, actually dancing and learning. Not being the one teaching or helping with the class,"
"So take the exam and see where it goes, you know I'm there beside you no matter what," Ken tells me.
"I'll have to see how much it is, and figure out pointe shoes as well," I explain with another sigh.
"If it's meant to be it will work out," Ken tells me. "If needed I can help out as well, I still have my money from the filming sitting in my savings account." I shake my head.
"No, I couldn't do that. That's yours, I have some savings I can dip into. It's not like my parents control my bank account these days or can look into it anymore." I tell him. "Well, they control my education one, but I never see that one half of the time. Dad just transfers me money for it when I need it."
"My parents did the same thing," Ken tells me which makes me feel a little better and I just give him a mournful look to which else he frowns out. Jack looks up at both of us clearly giving a dirty look before giving up on both of us jumps off the couch and goes over to his bed. "What else is going on that pretty head of yours?
"I liked college don't get me wrong, I met great people and had a lot of fun, but even now the thought of university just feels just another step that is expected me just makes me sad. Stuck in school for another two years, most likely at home. God, it would just be nice to work for a year or two and actually see my daughter without having to coordinate schedules and literally scheduling time for us together. I mean, I got three months off over the summer, and then I went back to school and have been in school since. I never had proper time with her it feels like. I see Joy with the Delilah and the twins, and yeah she's older but it still sucks that I never got that time with her?"
"I know that she loves you so much, clearly you were there enough for her to grow a bond with her," Ken tries to point a positive. "It's all right for dreams to change, but it's always normal for them to just be shoved aside until the time is right. You once asked me why I like watching you dance I told you why. Because you show yourself when you dance and I don't think that should be lost to you because you feel like you have to do other things to please people. Yes having a job and a career helps out life greatly, but you're already halfway there with a college diploma. Do what your heart tells you to do and we'll figure it out together because we're partners as much as we are parents and lovers" His hand caresses the side of my face. "Or talk to Beth?" He adds on.
I nod my head, letting myself play with the buttons on his henley shirt.
I'm about to head home when my phone rings, my dad's photo pop on the screen and sigh. Ken looks at me and motions for me to pick up the phone. Getting up to give me some privacy and motioned for Jack to follow him. Time to go it seems as he grabs the leash.
"Hi," I answer it trying not to be short, but at the same time, I'm not exactly chipper either about it.
"Rilla, I was just wondering if you would be home for dinner tonight," he ask clearly in his doctor's voice. "Or if you will be with the Fords again." I hadn't planned on going back out to the summer house with Ken until later to pick up Owen for the night.
"I don't know," I say simply. "Depends on what dinner entails?"
"Rilla," Dad warns me. "It's dinner you've been avoiding us all week."
"Yeah for good reason," I say under my breath.
"Your brother would like to see you, and Faith. They have barely seen you," Dad reminds me and I groan.
"You know what, sure I'll be home for dinner, if I can bring Ken along, as my boyfriend who you are meeting for the first time. None of this crazy bullshit mom thinks is happening. So I don't know have dinner with us, watch us interact and maybe you'll see what everyone else already sees?" I tell him.
"I will tell your mother of our guest then," Dad concludes. "We will try and be open-minded, but you have to give us some grace about this development as well, we were not expecting it and we do not like how you hid it from us."
I bite my tongue wanting to retort something about not intentionally hiding it, because well….I did.
"Also I do truly hope you are not cursing in front of Owen," Dad adds on.
"Seriously!" I exclaim in annoyance. "She's with Leslie and Ken's Dad, also when do I ever swear in front of her since she has learned to talk? Plus if I ever do accidentally curse, I tell her that sometimes adults say bad things and then she shouldn't repeat such and such words. I am a damn good mother, she's on all her growth charts, growing like a weed, eats healthy balanced meals and is a happy kid."
"I wasn't poking at your ability to parent Rilla, we never hid swearing from you children. We preferred you not to until a certain age, but you always knew the context and appropriateness of such words. Telling your sibling to fuck off was never allowed, but if you drop something, or stub your toe then we would look the other way. Though we did have to curb Jem as a teenager because he sounded like a sailor for a while which we would not have in our house. I was just sending out a warning that you don't end up with a Jem later down the road, though you might have been too young to remember those days as well as others."
"He still swears like a sailor," I say under my breath. "Especially in texts, but what time is dinner?"
"The usual 5:30 pm," Dad says simply.
"We'll be there," I say simply before saying goodbye.
"Everything all right," Ken asks seeing me staring up at the ceiling.
"Small change of plans," I tell him.
"Oh, and what is that," he says amused. Clearly thinking something spicy in his head.
"Oh Don't go thinking that sort of thing," I tell him. "We're having dinner with my parents in a little over an hour. So be on your best behaviour because they'll probably be on theirs, tonight by the way."
"Jesus Christ," Ken curses. "I need a shower."
"We just had a shower," I say confused.
"Yeah, and then I did things that they would think are completely unthinkable to you in my bed! So now I have to shower again so they don't think you spent half of the afternoon naked in my bed!"
"Well, I did?" I say chuckling. "Wouldn't it be more knowing if you come freshly showered?"
"I don't know but I rather not find out," Ken says shaking his head.
I let myself into the house, beckoning Ken who was still nervous as we kicked off our shoes.
"Hello?" I call out before I hear crying, which told me Jem and Faith were around as well, at least there was that for distraction I guess?
"Dining room," Jem calls out, as I hear his footsteps.
I laugh as he tries the walk and bounce. I motion for him to give her to me and I settle her down across my forearm and give her a good back rub until she burps loudly and Jem looks at me bewildered.
"Feel better?" I ask my niece as I readjust her and let her snuggle into my shoulder.
"Who got her?" Faith says coming out of the bathroom. "How did you?"
I shrug my opposite shoulder blushing. "I've just done this before I guess?" I say simply.
"She's like a fucking sleep miracle worker," Jem says as I manage to get Poppy to sleep and Faith swats at him. I want to tell them I dealt with a screaming infant for weeks to the point that I was crying with her but knew it wouldn't do anything for them.
"Watch your mouth," She tells him shaking her head.
"Rilla," Dad says from the kitchen entryway and I look over still holding Poppy as I sway and talk to her softly.
"Dad," I say nodding my head, as Ken comes to stand behind me, hand on my hip.
"Kenneth," Dad says next. Why is it always Kenneth in these instances?
"Gilbert," Ken says swallowing hard. "Sir?" he adds unsure of what he should call me father at this point.
It was a few more minutes of awkwardness until I gently laid Poppy in what appears to be Owen's old Moses basket, something that takes me back without knowing as flashes of my own dark hair child napped in it in those early months.
"Mom," I say on the edge of the kitchen where she was cooking.
"Rilla," she says, "You can set the table," She tells me pointing to the dishes before turning back to the stove. I do what she says, mostly because it is better than arguing.
"So Ken what are you doing this summer, other than the obvious… for teachers on summer holidays?" Jem asks to grin as he takes a bite of his chicken.
Ken almost chokes on his own and I reach over and thump on his back.
"Excuse me," Ken says taking a drink of water. I have never seen a guy more nervous in my life. "Umm, I'm helping write a paper with one of the department heads and a few articles set up for a magazine?"
"You must know your stuff," Faith says death glaring at Jem for his insinuation.
"It's not what I expected to be doing but I do enjoy it," Ken says nodding his head.
"It must be strange to teach people so close in age to you, or older," Mom says.
"It's actually better I think, more fun and easier to communicate and build a rapport with as well," Ken tells her.
"You don't find the fresh out of high school ones a bit slacking?" Mom says next and I immediately understand where she is going with this.
"Generally yes, but they shape up as the semester goes by, but I also find that history isn't necessarily a course young adults take on a whim. Most of them want to be there, and while there is a distinction between the students who rely on loans vs their parents. It's usually the students who are paying their own way who shape up better than the ones who don't have loans and are being forced to be there."
My parents both raise their eyebrows but say nothing.
"It's still only my third-semester teaching and my first full year of teaching but I did find once the second year comes around they have gotten pretty good at college life. Yes, they still come in hungover but the main bulk of their attitude about lectures and school is respectful and they gained their footing in the academic world a bit more than the previous year. Then again some of my younger students are more willing and mature to look at history with a different view or bias more than my more 'mature' and older students. Though I do find the nineteen to twenty-three/four can and are a very similar level of maturity and what life consists of for them. Many are in relationships, many are just trying to survive living in noisy dorms or small apartments." Ken explains though I feel his hand gripping mine and sweating under the table.
"They are also the ones who enjoyed Owen being in class with me the most. If she wandered around they would let her sit in their laps and always kept crayons for her to use when I somehow lost mine for her. I think because the majority of them have younger siblings with larger age gaps. " Ken trails off for a moment. "But if you are asking if I will find it strange to have Rilla at university as I am working there. No, because my students are my students and Rilla is not my student. There is complete separation between those two things and while not prohibited is not something I have ever found myself interested in to begin with." Ken says calmly and surely.
"Of course," Dad says clearing his throat, taking a drink of his beer and mom mainly sits there unsure of what to say.
"So you said you got together in March?" Faith asks as Poppy cries out and is about to stand up.
"I'll get her, eat Faith. I know what it's like," I say standing up and going for the crying baby.
"Yes, March," Ken says to me nodding his head.
"Not January?" Dad asks curiously and Ken looks at me knowing about Carter.
"No March," I say sitting back down with my infant niece. "March 6th if you want a specific date," I tell them.
"What happened in January?" Mom asks looking at my father and then me.
"Nothing," I say, pleading silently that Dad wouldn't say another out loud. I mean when does Ken have a beard anyway?
Hope everyone is well and having a good week, if you have any time to spare any comments and questions are always appreciated and treasured!