We make it to the mall on Sunday morning, leaving the men with the toddler. I had asked Leslie what I should wear to wear for my internship, which lead me here. Though her one stipulation was….mom, she couldn't—wouldn't step on my mom's shoes more than she already has. Which makes it sound like they had talked since the fight.

Still, when I see Mom there I want to hide away.

"It will be all right," Leslie tries to reassure me nudging me forward. "If she found out I took you shopping, we would both never hear the end of it."

I sigh knowing she is right. I walk slowly up to Mom who was looking more tired than I had seen in a long time. She wearing her slacks from work and one of her more pretty blouses.

"Mom," I say quietly greeting her, realizing she brought her own support in the ways of Joy who had one of the twins it seemed. "Joy."

"Rilla, Leslie," Joy says brightly and hands me a coffee and then Leslie. "I got you tea Leslie, I remember from Persis you drank a lot of it. I hope that is alright."

"It's perfect," Leslie says smiling. "Shall we begin? We left the men with the toddlers today, heaven knows what we will all find when we get back?" She jokes.

"Oh heavens, last time Lilah had Samantha covered in Vaseline. Matt was so flustered trying to clean up and trying to tell Lilah that she shouldn't do such things. I gave Sam a break from her sister so Scarlett is home with them today, isn't that right," she says peaking into her stroller at the almost one-year-old." Joy explains.

We end up in a few different stores, and it's like I have three women playing dress-up and arguing about who will buy what for me.

"I still think you look better in green," Mom says looking over the light pink top I picked for myself.

"Well, I like pink," I say into the mirror adjusting the black and white plaid knee-length skirt that was different enough from the plaid skirts I had to wear for school.

"She looks lovely in either colour," Leslie plays mediator and Joy giggles to herself. "Though I did like the look of those plaid pants earlier on you."

"They made my hips look huge," I say frowning as I play with the plaid skirt thinking the same thing.

"You're a size four, Rilla, you are not allowed to complain about the size of your hips." Joy tells me.

"You complain about yours," I tell her back.

"Yeah and I just had three children in two years. I'm allowed to feel a little out of sorts, here and there about my body." Joy tuts reminding me. "It doesn't matter if you're a size two, four, six or a size eighteen anyway."

Still, I frown as I smooth over my hips as I twist and turn in the mirror. I much prefer Olivia's way of shopping. Thrift stores and no mirrors. I don't think I bought myself pants any other way in two years. So far most of what I bought was on trend, young work wear pieces. I was pickier than I thought I would be as I try to be comfortable in what really felt like dress-up clothing to me. Still, I end up with a few pretty blouses in light pinks and greens and something delicately floral, a pair of grey dress pants, and a navy dress that is stretchy, knit and knee length.

"Well, at least try on this dress," Mom holds up a dark green, scooped neck flared dress, that had cap sleeves. It has little pink flowers scattered on it and even a pink belt. In her mind, it was probably some sort of happy medium. I take the dress and go into the change room.

"You need a bag though, a nice laptop work bag," Leslie tells me knowingly. "I have a feeling my sort of bag is a bit much and old-fashioned for you, but we might be able to find some you would like at what is that store called Bentley?"

I hum through the curtain, mom's dress was probably the best one I had tried on, though I probably never tell her that right now as I come out.

"Oh, that is lovely," Mom says quietly as I smooth over the fabric and swish the skirt

"I'll need some shoes," I say out loud

"Also a sturdy pair of shoes, no need for heels unless you like them but a classic pair of oxfords would go with lots of things." Leslie keeps going on. "Oh that is sweet on you though, long enough for work, but short enough to still be youthful."

"Well, I'm sure we can find both," Joy says and I inwardly groan and tally up what I have already spent and what I had left in my savings.

"I'm sure I can make do with what I have already?" I tell them. "Plus I promised Owen we would do some baking tonight," I say out loud, leaving off that it was for Ken's birthday, even if we all knew that it was well tomorrow.

"Of course," Leslie says nodding her head, I change back quickly and cling to the few things I mean to buy so no one can talk them from me and stalk up to the cash. I can hear them argue, about saving my money, but I pay anyway and take my bag from the lady who smiles goodbye at me.

It was Mom who stops at some name-brand store, wanting to grab Jem something for his birthday that wasn't far away, given he was born on Canada Day of all days.

I look in the window of one shop, and a fashion-style backpack bag, in a tri-colour of brown, black and white catches my eye. I could only imagine just have much it cost, and my work clothes had cost enough today.

I sigh and turn to Samantha who was somehow still happily in her stroller. "Are you having fun?" I ask her and she just gives me a look and a cheesy smile.

"What did you get Ken for his birthday?" Joy asks me looking up from her phone, as she was checking in on Matt.

"Nothing much really," I say quietly. "Just a new strap for his one guitar and Owen picked out a Baby Yoda Funko Figurine for him, or also for herself since he plays her the non-scary scenes from Star Wars?"

"Still sounds like perfect gifts for him." Joy says quietly. "You're okay over there? You know you are always welcome?" I nod my head telling her I was all right.

"I don't your place could handle two more people," I tell her as a small joke. "But it's all good, fine. It's nice easier for sure?"

"Well, as long as you know you have other options as well," Joy reminds me quietly as Mom and Leslie come out of the store finally and we all finally decide to head our separate ways.

We get outside when Mom pulls me back a bit.

"Take it," Mom says handing what appeared to be a bunch of 20s and a couple of 50s. "I know all too well what it's like."

"It's fine," I say shaking my head. "I don't need it, it's fine. I didn't even go over what I set aside for it."

"If I was your father you would take it," Mom tries once more.

"If it was the dad he would just stealthy put money in my account and not tell me." I remind her. "I need to feed Owen soon," I say trying to say goodbye without saying goodbye, without mentioning that I wasn't going home.

"Rilla please," Mom pleads.

"Mom I can't, I need some please, just let me have some time," I beg her quietly and she sighs.

I make Ken's birthday cake with Owen, following the old recipe that Leslie gave me years ago. It's nothing like Owens cake which is for sure when it's done. It's lopsided and messy as Owen dumped all the sprinkles I bought for it. Also, I'm pretty sure there is enough germs from Owen's hands than anything else.

Owen is proud of it though as when Ken comes out of the shower still towel drying his hair already in his pyjama shorts she rushes to show her.

"Yours!" She exclaims dragging him toward the cake. "Morrow's birthday?"

"Oh wow, that is the most prettiest thing I have seen," Ken says scooping down to pick her up. "And Yes tomorrow is my birthday, how old do you think I am?"

"Hundred?" She says confidently even though she barely knows what numbers are just yet.

I giggle and Ken pouts, "I am not that old, I am Twenty-six," he tells her.

"Tweety-six," she repeats tilting her head.

"Do you know how old Mommy is?" Ken asks her next and she looks at me before looking at her fingers and holding up all ten of her.

"God if you're a hundred, and I'm ten, you really did rob the cradle," I tease Ken laughing as he gives me a look of 'be serious'. "Oh, I am joking," I say kissing his cheek before turning back to focus on Owen.

"Mommy is about ten more of those little fingers," I tell her tickling her sides. "It's bedtime though for you."

"No bed," She says shaking her head.

"Yes, bed," I tell her sternly.

"Bath?" She asks trying to prolong the inevitable and I look at Ken as I still had to clean up the mess from the cake. I had already cleaned up most of Ken's apartment waiting for him to come back with Owen this afternoon.

"I'll try and get her settled," Ken tells me. I nod my head and give him a kiss.

"Gross mommy!" Owen makes a face, already deciding that watching mommy and daddy kiss was gross these days. I clean up the kitchen and put the cake in the fridge before going to kiss Owen goodnight and help tuck her in.

Afterwards, as Ken works on one of his papers, I set on the floor and stretch out my body with some evening yoga until I'm sweaty enough for a shower and tired enough for bed.

"You okay?" Ken asks me when he finally comes to bed as I was scribbling in my journal. "You haven't said much about today's shopping adventure?"

"I guess?" I say sighing, setting down my pen. "It's hard, she's my mother and I love her, while at the same time I can't fathom doing what she did to Owen one day. It's just so broken and has been for so long. It goes well for a while but then something always happens and all the past bubbles back up. I know,—I know that it wasn't her fault, that so much was happening, but forgiveness doesn't mean the hurt goes away I guess?"

"I think she knows that as well," Ken tries to make me feel better. "My mom said you got a bunch of things though, despite the few awkward moments?" Ken says

"I did, cleaned out most of my savings though," I tell him sighing. "But I needed some clothes that didn't scream college student I guess?"

"You're excited though?" Ken asks for what could be the hundredth time.

"More nervous?" I say curling into him, pressing a kiss into his neck. "Just hold me?" I ask him quietly.

"Whatever you need Rilla," Ken reminds me before pressing a kiss on the top of my head and wrapping himself around me pulling me closer.

"And if I just need you?" I ask him, not meaning to truly insinuate anything but I don't mind when his kisses find the back of my neck. I know in theory, and from Olivia, that birthday sex should be fun and adventurous, but there is something more to this than just the usual.

It's tender and warm, much like his kisses as I turn to face him. Catching his lip with mine, his soft over my torn up ones from nervous lip chewing. Hands up in my hair, to the side of my face, tongues circling each other.

The familiar burning pull that settles down in my pelvis.

Part of my brain is telling me to surprise him, take control but I tell it to shut up as his hands and kisses trail down my neck and collar bone. At some point, he will realize I am not wearing underwear to bed tonight.

Either way, I adore this feeling, it never felt so small and protected, his long arms wrapped around me. Running over my body, ready to divest my nightwear at the first chance he gets.

He only pulls away for a brief moment. Riffling through his nightstand for the condom while we still have the headspace to find one. There is a hitch in my breath, as I catch his gaze in the darkness of the night. My legs move to accommodate him further. The bed creaks, or was it the floor? We stay still until we decide it was the bed.

Our breathing quickens, drunk on sensations and feeling then actual alcohol. Not that we don't drink from time to time. A glass of wine here and there after a long day of work, or a trying day with a toddler? But this was more than that.

These were moments that pure and magical.

"Rilla is still in bed," I hear Ken say to his parents who were over early in the morning. "Just give her a few minutes?"

"Is she all right?" I heard Owen's deep voice ask.

"She just had a long day and night," I heard Ken says next. I had only an hour or two of good sleep before I found myself curling into him to feel safe. Of course, he doesn't say that I spent the night tossing and turning to nightmares. Something about how fighting with mom brings back all the memories.

"I hope the shopping wasn't too much?" I hear Leslie say next worried. "I know they aren't getting along, but I knew if Anne found out it would just cause more issues, then inviting her."

"No, she understands why, and knows that you are right," Ken tells his mother before quietly adding on. "She has an appointment set for tomorrow to try and sort through things with one of her doctors."

I push myself up and push my hair back from my hair. I look over to the mirror on the closet door. I'm pale with dark circles and messy curls, I also have more than one fresh love bite on my collar bone courtesy of Ken.

I don't have time to really react much as the door swings over.

"Mommy Grandpa Gandalf is here!" Owen squeals.

Grandpa Gandalf? What in the world is she going on about now?

"Owen, come to have breakfast and let your mommy get ready for the day," Leslie's kind voice says from the doorway. There is a look of tenderness and maybe a touch of pity in her eyes as she takes in my morning appearance. "Do you need anything?"

I shake my head and she nods her head and takes my little Owen out of the room. I go over to Ken's tall dresser and find my pills and swallow them with a swig from my water bottle. I would need to get a new prescription soon according to the bottle that told me that I had one refill left from this new bottle I had just got. I dress quickly, grabbing a cropped t-shirt with a high neckline and a pair of high-waisted jeans.

I force myself out of my head and when Owen attaches herself to me when I come out of the washroom. I always try my best to keep whatever is going through my head outside of her bubble of what her life is. She doesn't need to see that side of me at this age or really ever.

"It's Daddy's Bitthday!" She tells me.

"It is," I say nodding my head with a smile and patting her head. She runs away from me and I move over to give Ken a more public happy birthday kiss on the cheek. "Happy Birthday," I say quietly in his ear.

"Thank you, are you hungry?" He asks even though I feel like he already knows that answer.

"I'll just have a banana," I tell him quietly. Knowing we were going to drive out of one of the Lighthouse museums that he wanted to go see for some reason. "Some coffee to go as well."

"I'll pack a few granola bars along with a snack for Owen," Ken whispers, pressing a kiss to my temple.

The more I wake up the more my mood shifts into a day.

We drive separately, though Owen wants to drive with her grandparents and it is more comfortable in the long run. I turn on the radio, munching on my banana and sipping on the coffee we picked up.

I find myself singing along to the song Ken had playing. Jimmy Eat world if I didn't know better by now. His music was just as predictable as mine most days.

He grips my hand soft at one point, bringing it over to kiss the back off.

"Do you ever wish to get away from all the drama and just scream?" I ask him, thinking about the lyrics about just driving into the night and getting away from life.

"I think everyone feels that at some point," Ken says simply. "But I'm always up for midnight drives if you ever do need to escape reality."

"And Owen?" I ask him and Ken shrugs.

"We bundle her up and strap her in and let her sleep in the car, she does half of the time anyway?" Ken says, clearly jesting, but at the same so serious that I don't know if he truly meant it or not.

The next song hits harder than the rest as I hear Ken sing along with it

When love was found, I kept my hope just like I'd hoped to
Then sang to the sea for feelings deep blue and coming down
And we've had problems that we've grown through
But I bet you dream of what you could do

"Who is this?" I ask him quietly, taking in the lyrics and how he knows the song.

"Dermot Kennedy, he's from Ireland," Ken tells me. "I can change it if you want?"

I shake my head.

He feels a connection to it, in some way or form and I can understand as some of the lyrics hit home even for me. Even apart, we still had each other's backs when we needed one another.

I remember when her heart broke over stubborn shit
That's no way to be living kid
The angel of death is ruthless

Underneath my coat, won't you tap my shoulder, hold my hand
Nights with nothing but dark in there
'You could be my armour then'

I know why he listens to this song, in a way it reminds him of us. At least that is what I get from the lyrics on the first listen. A few jarring words, that don't fit, clearly this was something else to the artist who wrote it. Still, he was there, watching my heart break as I admit my deepest secrets.

Island smiles and cardigans
The nights that we've been drinking in
We're here to help you kill all of this hurt that you've been harbouring
Confessions should be better planned
Alone, that night, I'm surely damned
Run away, I'll understand

In its own way it follows our lives with the forbidden, his conscience back then, to my mixed up ways. The miscommunications and decisions that one of us never liked at the time. How seventeen was different, his was normal with friends and goofing off, while mine was dictated by the choices I made for myself.

I can feel the emotions run through my body as they come into my head. I can run through movements in my head as if I was memorizing them for later. It's not the first time a song has made me want to dance, it's not the first time I run choreo through my head long enough that, I hit repeat, and grab my journal from my bag because I carry it everywhere these days.

What's important is this evening I will not forget
Purple, blue, orange, red
These colours of feeling
Give me love, I'll put my heart in it
And I think about it all the time
Lights went out, you were fine
You kinda struggle not to shine

I still love you, though
I still love you always

Ken doesn't ask what I'm doing, scribbling down movements, and pictures as I write down key lyrics. He is used to my bizarre ways these days. I didn't know if it would work but I would try anyway to remember it. I'm still jotting things down when we park behind his parents.

"So is someone going to explain the Gandalf thing to me?" I ask Leslie as I watch Elowen be piggybacked around by Grandpa Gandalf as we walk about the lighthouse coastline. We had already been through the lighthouse and climbed to the top.

"Right, so I had been watching the Two Towers since then we finished Fellowship." Owen Ford says upon hearing my question to his wife.

"He has this thing of watching series in full, and when she didn't feel like napping so she curled up on the couch next to him." Leslies explains, laughing her beautiful laugh.

"Isn't that rather, umm violent?" I ask him, mouth gaping slightly.

"Don't worry he fast-forwarded through whatever seemed to be violent," Leslie tells me.

"Two Towers is mostly about war?" I say still not entirely impressed.

"She was mostly she was in awe of the Elves and Hobbits, essentially we watched the first part of Fellowship on repeat," Owen reassures me trying to soothe whatever nerve they appeared to hit.

"Then at some point, she decided because he was tall and his hair was greying, that he had to be Gandalf," Leslie adds on. "It was rather adorable."

"Grandpa Gandalf come for Halloween?" Elowen asks from his shoulder. "ME be Frodo?"

"You'll have to ask Aunty Di to see if she can make your costume," I say to her forcing a smile on my face, I turn back to Leslie. "I'm sorry I don't mean to be in a mood," I tell her quietly.

"It's all fine Rilla," Leslie says shaking her head. "It's completely understandable that you probably wouldn't want your toddler watching a gruesome war scene, or maybe you were waiting to watch it with her?"

"No, I don't care about such things like that when it comes to movies and whatnot," I tell her shaking my head.

"Oh we should go down to the lighthouse near the Selwyn's place," Leslie says clapping her hands.

"Selwyns?" I look to Ken who had come up to us.

"My cousins on Dad's side," Ken explains. "Jacob is the photographer I helped out with when I first moved here," he explains to me further. Those cousins…that means it's the lighthouse I haven't been out to see for almost two years at this point. Not since the trial, wanting to leave that whole part of my life behind.

"I don't," I say quietly to him. "Not with other people around," I whisper to him and I feel him squeeze my hand.

"Mommy I need to pee!" Owen announces running up to me. I look around the area trying to find washrooms. "Come on then," I take her hand and walk back to the museum asking the front desk person where the washrooms were as I motion to my dancing child who needed to go. We promptly were shown to the employee's only door and through the hall thankfully.

"We are thinking of an early dinner before heading back to the hotel for the night?" Leslie starts before we head to the hotel for the night. They had closed up the summer house this morning to make it easier for them to leave tomorrow.

"Sounds good to me," I say with a small smile. "Are you hungry Elowen?"

"Oh, this one is always hungry aren't you Elowen, a regular cookie monster at that!" Ken says before he lifts her swiftly into the air above his head and she giggles and squeals.

We drive back along the coast, stopping by the apartment to grab the cake before going to the usual restaurant the Fords go to when they are here. The server takes the cake for us, smiling at my toddler who announces that she helped make it. It wasn't too hard to tell that she helped make it, but the server played along saying she did a wonderful job on it. We order not long after, I settle on a large salad with a plate on the side for her, while Ken orders some seafood pasta that she can always munch on if she's hungry.

"Well, it's hard to believe that my baby is twenty-six," Leslie says teary eyes over her glass of wine. "Twenty-six with a baby of his own, and I lovely woman by his side."

"Now now," Ken's father pats her back. "It's not like we won't see him ever again, we'll be back before you know it."

"Why is Gramma crying?" Elowen says from her spot between Ken and I both try not to laugh but her Grandfather's eyes twinkle at her with an amused smile.

We ask for the cake, and Leslie orders another glass of wine for both of us. Despite the presentation, the cake tastes fine and by the end of the dessert, Owen has chocolate cake all over her face and dress. I grab my pack of wipes and try and clean her up as Ken opens his presents. His parents gave him a new smartwatch, and what looks like a cheque that he pockets with a grateful thank you and that he would put it into his savings.

"Mine next," Our daughter chirps, pushing a star wars, wrapped present. She giggles as he takes it and pretends to shake it.

He barely opened it when she exclaims, "It's baby Yoda Daddy!"

Ken chuckles and lets her crawl into his lap and kissed the top of her pigtails. "So it is, Thank you I love it. I'll put it on my desk at the office." Owen preens and giggles, cuddling into him. I could tell she was starting to get tired. I pass Ken my present and he looks at me with a smouldering look for a brief second.

He opens it carefully, it takes him a moment to realize what it was. Another moment longer as what exactly is on the guitar strap for him to look up at me in amazement. I had found it online and bought it. It was the colour of sand, and all up the canvas strap is a depiction of Egypt, pyramids and pharaohs and other things that I am sure he knew the name of.

"It's nothing big," I say making excuses.

"I love it, and I needed a new one," Ken says leaning over to give me a kiss. "It's absolutely perfect."

I blush, going back to the sliver of cake that I was still picking at.

We say goodbye to Ken's parents, as they had an early flight and while Owen was barely awake we make our trek to our lighthouse. Owen is half asleep in Ken's arms as we take the old pathway.

"I'm sorry I'm this way today," I tell Ken frowning as we look out to the ocean.

"Like what?" Ken asks, feigning ignorance, standing close to me as he can while holding Owen who was pretty much dead weight at this point.

"Sad, moody, on your birthday no less," I say sighing.

"Rilla you essentially just broke up with your parents, who I feel like you look up to more than you let on which is why you are taking it so hard. You are allowed to feel a little lost in life, not knowing what to do or how to navigate these decisions." Ken says before, he sat down on the old driftwood log and settled Owen on his lap. I sit down next to him and with his free arm, he wraps it around my waist and settles it on my hip.

"Leaving, moving out of your parent's house if that what you decide to do in the end is frightening even if that is all you've dreamed about the past two years. But it's your choice, and only your choice to make and who knows maybe they listen to you more knowing that you can leave at any time if you do decide to go back there. But it's your choice as scary as that sounds, and the fact that you're here and I get to do this," he kisses the curve of my neck. "Which is all the birthday wishes I could wish for, by the way."

I smile at him wryly for a small millisecond. "Do you remember the last time we were here together?"

Ken merely nods his head. "This one wasn't even a year old yet, and look how far we have come since those days."

I don't want to tell him that in the pit of my stomach, that I feel like I should go home, not today anyway, but maybe things would be better this time around?

One could hope anyway.

Okay, I think I have finally made it to June after this chapter! Woo a new month haha!

Hope everyone is well, and wonder what everyone's thoughts are about Rilla's impending decision, should she go back home or should she stay with Ken?

Guest-Yeah Anne wasn't that nice by doing what she did and she does regret it. You learn a lot more about Anne and why she is the way she is in chapter 26. So two more chapters and I do hope you tell me what you think on her reasonings on being the mother she is. Mostly I have always tried really hard to ensure that whatever discourse is between Anne and Rilla has always been because accidental trauma. It was never a choice that Anne or Gilbert made to have failed in the way they did.

I had a neglectful parents. Some of it was well-meaned in a sense in way that they worked hard to provide for us. My chiildhood wasn't horrible, but they were never there emotionally for us kids they had, even when I tried as a child, I could never truly connect to them and I could never understand why some children's had these amazing parents and I just had mine. Where one parent made the choice to not fight for us in the divorce. another decided not believe me when I tried to tell them something important about how I felt. To the point when I tried to specifically tell them that I was uncomfortable they just laughed and said 'oh they are only playing'. As a child of emotional neglect it's not accidental, it's not an error. They choose not to engage, they choose to not try and that is the worst feeling as a child and even an adult.

But back to Anne. She mostly worried that all rilla has worked towards will be undone if she leaves the house. Valid worries and reason, and she probably has a plethora of reasons for thinking so as well. Overall we may never truly know why Anne reasoning, but I think as well it was the withholding of the truth, lying they made her the most angry. Or angry enough to do what she did.

I hope this makes sense anyway lol and I hope come two weeks that I did it justice and you understand stand Anne a lot more.

Tina