Dim light was creeping its way into the hut. Mab could hear the birds singing outside. She felt warm and comfortable. Dozily she opened her eyes to find herself in the arms of a deeply sleeping Merlin. She had her head on his chest and one of his hands was placed on her stomach, the other arm was circled around her back. How could he?
Instinctively she flinched. Seconds later she remembered the nightmare she had had last night. This had never happened to her before. On the other hand, when had she ever slept?
But still why did all those terrible things happen to her?
She couldn't understand. She knew it had been a mixed version of her memories, but could not define which parts actually had happened. She knew she had fought Merlin in Camelot. She remembered how they had shot spells at each other and she remembered the empty faces of the people when he had hypnotized them. And he had beaten her to the ground, when she had begged him for another chance; so why was she still alive?
And why was he so determined about having her around?
She couldn't tell.
And why is it, that I feel so comfortable when he is around?
Though she also felt strange laying in his arms, slowly she began to relax again. Not only that this was Merlin of whom she had believed so long, that he was her most acrimonious enemy. The physical contact itself confused her.
She had never allowed people to come that close to her, especially humans. They were so primitive, so unclean and impure. Not even Vortigern had gotten his prey on her. She remembered how he had watched her, when she had approached him that fateful day in his tent. Like a hungry beast his eyes had devoured her. And she had felt paralyzed by them, if only for a few moments. But those moments had been enough for him to draw her on his lap. But trying hard to keep her composure she had tensed up.
She had given him her sparkling tear.
'It'll protect you.'
But Vortigern had not been impressed at all. Only lust had clouded his mind.
'What are you afraid of Mab?', he had asked in a husky voice. 'The world is passing you by, leaving you behind. Kings and Queens, Old Ways and New Ways, they all come together in the end.'
He had drawn her closer. So close that their faces nearly had touched each other and she had felt his breath on her skin. The tension between them had been nearly touchable in the air. But suddenly he had flipped that magical tear into the fire.
Like a sting it had felt, when its magic had been burned away unused and wasted. That sting had brought her back to reality.
So she had retracted, 'It's your pride, Vortigern… your damnable pride that condemns you!'
And with a flinch she had disappeared. But still back in her realm she had felt his breath on her skin. And she had felt unclean herself and used and betrayed. That piece of magic gone and torn from her. And she had sworn herself never to lose her control again.
Merlin moved in his sleep, his hand crawling further and meeting her bare skin. There it was again, that tingling sensation that would make her feel like she wasn't in control of all her senses. She should move and wake him.
This couldn't be, she must not allow him such contact, she had to… or she could simply doze away drowning in that spreading warmth flowing through her body.
Like in the last days it was just the most cozy and secure feeling resting in his arms gave her. Slumber nearly got hold of her again, when Merlin was the one who broke the spell. He had woken up. Not aware of the slight state of rapture, he had brought onto Mab, he lifted himself up shifting her carefully aside. Kindly he patted her head and got up. Inside the bed it became colder again. Mab was wrapping herself deeper into the furs. She was still too exhausted from their journey, exhausted from their fight she believed and exhausted from the ages.
Later that day she heard the even and dull sound of Merlin chopping wood outside the hut. Mab got herself out of the bed and found that her simple dress given to her by the nuns had dried again by the fire. While she let her gaze wander upon it she couldn't help but to snort in disgust. It was still grubby and made of simple linen. Unbelievable that she had been dressed like this for what… months?
What had happened to her beautiful gemmed gowns? Well she had nothing else. So she put the chunky artless white… or well more grey dress on. Then she pulled Merlins furry waistcoat over it. Now she felt at least a bit ready to face the world outside. So she left the hut with unstable steps.
At the door she was greeted and blinded by the shining sun. Dizziness overcame her. And for a few moments the world seemed to spin around so she had to steady herself leaning against the door frame.
After the world finally came to a halt, she went over to Merlin. He was so occupied in his work that he didn't notice her. So she just placed herself on a fallen tree. There she sat and enjoyed the warmth of the sun. For autumn they had quite a good day, she mused. She watched him fighting an especially intractable tree log with his axe. It would be so easy using his powers, still Merlin tried most things with his bare hands, didn't he?
She wondered. Instinctually she gave the mental order for the log to part. But nothing happened.
It hit her like a blow. She couldn't feel any of her powers. Of course it had been that way for days, but now she realized it. There was nothing inside her. No magic, not a piece of it. She searched deeper and deeper but she couldn't find anything.
She would have understood, if her powers were just too weak to be used, but there seemed no trace left of them. Was it his doing?
Had Merlin somehow put her in invisible chains that bound her powers?
She believed herself to get angry but instead it was despair that crept into her heart. All those feelings, she never used to have or at least that she always had repressed were now overwhelming her. She tried to fight the feeling of fear down, but again she was at the brink of her sanity.
Emotions, feelings… they were too many, they were too unused to her. She had no control. Not even over herself, how was she going to gain control over her people, the British people or even Merlin?
Finally he made it and put the wood on piles at the huts wall. When he turned he saw Mab sitting on a tree trunk frowning deeply in thoughts. The sun made her skin sparkling and reflecting like she had glitter on it. But the stern look on her face gave a hard contrast to the harmonious atmosphere surrounding them. She even seemed to tremble. Slowly he approached her.
"Mab, what is it? You look upset." again he added in his thoughts.
Her eyes met his. He genuinely seemed concerned. But wasn't it his doing?
Anger, that was the right emotion, one she was used to.
"WHAT have you done to me?!", she spat.
Merlin didn't understand. Irritated he looked at her trying to figure out, if he had forgotten something.
"What have you done to my powers?", she asked again.
Aahh that's the point. Merlin wasn't sure how to react. Did she actually assume that it was his intentional doing? Unbelievingly he shook his head.
"No Mab, I haven't done anything but to care for you."
"This is what you call caring?", she snarled back. "You drag me around with you. Put me in those ugly … hideous rags, force me to eat bitter stuff. And you don't even consider bringing me back home!" She was furious. "And you keep me weak. You bind my powers somehow, because you did not have the guts to kill me right there, when you had the chance for it!"
Merlin clenched his fist. Anger flew through his veins circling through the whole of his body. He took a deep breath, trying hard to keep his countenance. Slowly he counted to ten in his head. And slowly the anger circled out of his veins again. Another deep sigh and he was ready to think about the accusations. "I never meant to kill you Mab.", he stated.
"You did! From the very beginning!" Of course he did, what else? How could he claim otherwise?
"No; I only wanted you to harm nobody else, to hold you at bay!"
He wouldn't kill anybody, would he? He loved to tell himself otherwise , but well he had killed Vortigern... 'I'll kill you any way I can... but I will kill you!' his words from the past were echoing through his mind …
"No you always were working against me, this means you sought my destruction.", her voice was full of bitterness, "Tell me Merlin why is it, that you hate me so much!"
Merlin shook his head, "Oh no Mab, don't play the child of innocence to me."
This was what he had feared before her awakening. Now they were confronted with their past and still it seemed the everlasting fight was not yet decided.
"You know perfectly well, that you killed my mother and Ambrosia –how could I not hate you?!"
She opened her mouth disbelievingly. "But … but... that's not true!" She had not killed them definitely; no. "I didn't kill them, how can you say that?"
Pride had no place here. Too much had happened to her that she could still look down to everybody.
"Your sister told me, you let my mother die.", he was determined, "And I caught you in the act, when it was Ambrosia who died at your hands!"
It fell like scales from her eyes. Her sister had planted the seeds of hatred inside her boy then. But she had known back then, so long ago, that Gwledyr would have to die in giving birth, and Merlins mother had also known. 'Fight!... come out of the land of magic and fight for what we once had… then the people will come back to the Old Ways as if new born… fight, Lady!' That was what she had said. And they had made their bargain. It had been sealed. Merlin was to be born. For the rest she could have done nothing about it.
"That's how it works, the magical creation of a life takes another.", she finally answered in a low voice. "Your mother gave this sacrifice freely and only this way you could be born. Did you not learn about these sacred laws from Frik?"
What was this supposed to mean. He could not have been wrong, could he? What was it that Frik had taught him? He remembered only being a bored and always distracted student. He really could not tell if he had ever heard of this. But that wasn't the point, was it? 'I only let her die', he heard in his head. She still had knowingly let his mother die and Ambrosia… "But you did nothing to save her? And what was it with auntie A? The same?"
"I don't know what happened to Ambrosia…", Mab honestly seemed to ponder, "She was saying something and I screamed,.. she… she had provoked me, but then she suddenly got white and collapsed on the bench… But what could I do?" She looked at him, her eyes wide open. "What do you do when a human heart begins to falter?" A memory clouded her vision. 'You tell me. You're the great Mistress of Magic' What do you do? That was the only question left for her in this moment. "Tell me, Merlin." She looked helplessly at him expecting an answer of him.
"We have powers! We have magic! Why not use them to heal a person why not save a life with them? Why not use them at least once for something good?" He would not understand why she did nothing. She was a Queen of immortals. She must have done something. And he could not be refuted. All his life he had justified his fight through her crimes. The crimes that had been to let his mother and his aunt die.
"Even with our power… nothing… Merlin, nothing and nobody can interfere with death himself!" No she could do nothing against death. Tears began to fill her eyes. She could do nothing. Nothing. Not even for the ones she loved. Another memory took her sight of the reality around her. Blood on her fingers. Mist around her. And a deadly wounded Mordred in her arms. 'I can't save you … don't die Mordred.' She had held him close. And she had hoped he would be strong enough. But his mocking answer was the last thing he would ever say to her. 'Die? Dear auntie Mab?... that's the last thing I shall do.' Death was a power greater than any on this world. The tears fell, little droplets sparkling in the sun until they vanished in the fabrics of her gown. She now merely whispered, "Or do you really think I would have let HIM die in the end?"
There were streams of tears running down her cheeks and she was clutching her hands to her face tried to pull herself together.
"You really mean this?… there is nothing one can do?", Merlin asked disbelievingly. He got her attention back.
"No there isn't. But that is what I have told you, when we first met!" Merlin shook his head. But she insisted. "Don't you remember when we explained to you for the first time, what the Old Ways would hold for you?"
When they had first met… there had been Frik, and his transformation. Yes that he remembered. And he could see himself, the young boy with radiant blue eyes, that he had been, asking: 'When I'm half mortal, will I die?' That was indeed what he had asked. 'In the fullness of time. We cannot change that. But we can change form…' The fullness of time… who made the decision? When was that? The fullness of time…They could not change that. She could have done nothing.
It was defeating. The feeling hit him like a punch into the stomach. He bend down, over to the tree. There he seated himself next to Mab letting his head fall down gripping it with his hands. All these years, all these struggles, all these victims for what?
For a revenge he had no right to request?
Merlin was weeping deeply. Slowly he felt a hand on his shoulder, softly placing itself on his back. He turned his head to see Mabs face still wet from her own tears but calm again.
"I… am… sorry…", the words came softly and reluctantly over her lips, but she had said them truly for the first time in her life. "I may have caused your aunts death by upsetting her. But I haven't meant to do it." There it was, she had made an excuse. It was probably the hardest thing for her to say ever.
Merlin moved his right hand to her face cupping her cheek. "She was an old woman. And she was ill wasn't she?", he asked but more as if to ensure himself rather than to assuage her. The moment was lingering in the sun. They only wanted to believe that the tragedy was not as tragic as it had seemed. It would ease the pain. "Yes I believe she said so, Merlin.", Mab answered softly remembering vaguely the bitter smirk on Ambrosias face, that day when she had approached her in the hut. But Ambrosia had worn that expression in a similar encounter she could not recall clearly. There was something in her memories, of which she knew it was there, but she couldn't get a grasp on it.
A weak smile crossed Merlins face. "Then we have to move on. Leave the past behind us.", he said more to himself than to Mab. But finally he looked back into her eyes, "And surely we'll have to get you at least some more decent dresses."
A chuckle broke through Mabs lips and she pulled him into a tight embrace. And there they sat together only pulling apart, when the sun was set and temperatures had grown too cold to stay outside.